June 28, 2023 • 21 mins
Have you ever wondered what really goes on behind the glamorous façade of the modeling industry? I reveal the good, the bad, and the downright ugly in this candid episode. I take you back to the 2000s, a wild west era in modeling, before the Me Too movement or social media had any influence. It was a time when control came from adults who dictated my body, my diet, and even my hair. Listen as I recount the harsh reality of having my weight discussed in cold, objective terms, and the lasting impact this has had on my self-perception. I hope things have changed, but it's important to reflect on these experiences.
The journey continues into the body image struggles that were all too common amongst models in the industry. Hear how the pressure to conform to a certain size dominated conversations, discouraged exercise, and even exempted me from PE classes. It was an era where drastic weight loss was celebrated, and I found myself on the cover of a magazine despite being over my agency's 'desired' size. Brace yourself as we delve into the challenges of navigating this world, from bracing for body shaming comments, to dealing with creepy individuals. This episode is not just a trip down memory lane, it's a call for a healthier, more inclusive industry, where success isn't measured by the number on the scale.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I started modeling in 2005, and that's when I became
a professional model and wasworking all over the place, but
then it really took off for realin like 2008 when I was living
in New York City, and so I havesome stories.
I was trying to think of whatwas some of the like scummiest
(00:37):
stuff that I saw as a model,especially back then, because I
feel like before social media,people got away with a lot more,
especially before the Me Toomovement, it was just like the
wild west, and even though therewas starting to be a little bit
of regulation and changes andstuff, and even with like the
body positivity movement comingup around 2010, things were
(00:58):
still wild.
And so I just want to talkabout some of the things that I
experienced, of things that Ijust look back and think that
would either never fly today orI can't believe that happened
And hopefully it's changed,because part of my life now I
live in Texas, now I moved herelast year I'm not in the thick
(01:19):
of it the way that I was, so Idid spend all of my 20s in that.
So like I saw a lot.
But let's get into it.
Let's talk about some of thestuff that I saw some of the
horror stories.
My mom was actuallyparticularly fascinated by my
model's apartment episodebecause she was like moms should
(01:41):
know this stuff.
So maybe that episode will helpmothers of aspiring models kind
of see what it's all about.
And, like I say, hopefully it'schanged and it's not like this
anymore.
But I will never forget when Iwas in high school, when I first
got into modeling, i didn'tknow what was going to happen.
(02:02):
Like I just was kind of likeflying by the seat of my pants
And I remember the first discordbetween the people representing
me and me as a 16-year-old Washaving to get my hair cut.
And this is very minor, butthey wanted to cut my hair.
I have really long hair andthey wanted to cut it like a
bust length And I didn't see why.
(02:24):
So I think I'm just generallykind of a rebel and I have like
a lot of resistance in mewhenever anyone tells me what to
do.
I don't want to do it And theywanted to cut my hair for some
reason.
I guess it was like to lookfresher and, honestly, like they
were probably right, theyprobably had a point to like cut
it to make it look a certainway, whatever, because I just
(02:45):
had this long hair, but becauseit wasn't for a job, like it was
just kind of like hey, we wantto cut your hair.
I felt like it was an attack.
And I remember my 16-year-oldself crying, like left school
and was crying and like justplease don't cut my hair, please
don't cut my hair.
And they I remember thismanager was a grown man
(03:11):
screaming at me on the phone asI like I think I stepped out of
like history class or something.
I was on my cell phone and mymom's cell phone and he was just
like screaming at me that I wasbeing a little brat and if I
really wanted this, i would cutmy hair.
And I just think back to thatmoment of thinking about what my
peers were dealing with andthen what I was dealing with,
(03:33):
which was like I have to cut myhair, and it was minor this is
like just not even scratchingthe surface of the kinds of
stuff that I saw but I justremember that feeling of like an
adult being mad at me becauseof how my hair was.
But that's just.
That was part of the game, likethat was.
That was just getting into thiswhole thing.
(03:55):
So it wasn't long before thesame person was upset with me
about my hip measurements,because that's a big thing in
the modeling industry is likewhat your hip measurements are,
and I think that I originally,when I first was signed on, i
was like the right measurementsand no one said anything.
But then I think six months wentby as a 16 year old, like
(04:16):
weight fluctuations, whatever,and my hip went up like a half
an inch or something andsuddenly I was in the red zone
and it was like if you want this, you need to focus on your diet
.
And they use a lot of codewords of leaning out, and I
specifically remember this emailwas forwarded to me.
So I'm in high school and mymanager forwarded me an email
(04:39):
that my agent in Chicago hadsent him and it said Lucy could
stand to lean out a bit becauseI was looking heavier.
And I read that at 16 and itdefinitely messed with me.
like I could stand to lean outbecause this was for what, like
(05:01):
it wasn't, like it was forsomething specific.
Even then it would be weird,but it was just like this idea
that, like whatever was wrongwith me had to do with my weight
and these adults, people whowere about the age that I am now
older maybe were.
It was like you know I am, whenI really realized in the
beginning of modeling that I'm acommodity, i'm being like I'm
(05:21):
this product and they want me tobe very skinny.
And the certain measurement, andI don't know, i don't know if
emailing a 16 year old about howsomeone talked about you and
your objective terms of yourbody, when there is no reason,
it was literally just becausethat's what they wanted, in that
moment it stuck with me and Iremember that was kind of the
(05:45):
beginning of me starting to likethink twice about food, because
it was this problem now, likeit was like if you want this,
you're gonna have to figure thisout with your measurements, and
the hip measurement that becamethe theme of the next 15 plus
years of my life of like, whatare your hit measurements?
and so anyway, that was in highschool and I remember then I
(06:08):
started to kind of think aboutit.
I wasn't like dieting, but Istarted to think about food and
how it related to my body andlike what should I and shouldn't
I be doing?
and actually, of all things,exercising was this weird?
it wasn't, it wasn'tdiscouraged, but they did not
want me to build muscle.
(06:29):
Like building muscle was ano-no.
And I remember later on adifferent agent was discouraging
me from exercising too much.
They told me like to never runon the treadmill at a certain
speed because it'll make my legsbig and like all this crazy
stuff fast forward.
And she ran a 244 marathon and,like you know, i went on to be
(06:50):
a runner.
So it's kind of funny to thinklike somebody was like, don't
run, you're gonna get bulky.
And I actually my mom exemptedme from PE or exempted me from
sports in high school, eventhough my, my high school was
very big on sports.
I was in PE.
I was one of the few people inPE because worrying about
getting bulky for sports,because of modeling, and I asked
(07:10):
, i also kind of don't want toplay sports.
So it it wasn't like I wasdying to play sports and I
couldn't.
I didn't want to play sportsbut I couldn't because it was
gonna make me too bulky formodeling weird stuff to be
implanted in a young teenagemind.
So that was my impression ofrunning, which is kind of funny
(07:31):
to think about.
But that stuff with, like theweight, i remember that just
carried, that went.
That went so much harder themore work I got.
So like it wasn't like, oh, igot to a point where I could
just be a certain weight and befine with it.
No, when I went to Europe itwas like centimeters, it wasn't
inches, so that was even moreprecise and it was less.
(07:51):
It was like you want to be thecertain measurement.
And the girls in the modelsapartment I remember they were
talking about like what's?
what measurement was what?
and I was looking at thesebeautiful girls thinking like
wait, you're worried about yourweight.
Like you're perfect, you're soperfect, how come you're worried
about your weight?
and then that made me.
I remember I tried to not like,i tried to actually resist.
(08:13):
I was like I was like wait, idon't think I have, i don't
think I have to lose weight.
And they were like I thinkremember this one girl from
Estonia.
She was so gorgeous and she waslike.
She said something like that'sa really rude thing to say that
you, you're perfect how you are.
Because I think I was like I'mperfect the way I am, the
American in the house, theAmerican in the models apartment
(08:35):
, being like I'm not, i don'tneed to lose weight, um, and she
said that was really rude andShe would also.
She would also, when we wouldorder food, she would like I
remember she would do some weirdthing where we were both I
wouldn't want pasta and she'slike no, no, no, we're gonna get
pasta.
Like she wanted to eat thepasta and I'd be like okay, fine
(08:58):
, and then we'd be eating it andshe like stop and be like I'm
full and then like be watchingme.
It was like this weirdpsychological stuff of like food
problems bouncing off ofeveryone, everyone's freaking
out and stressed That's the bestway to describe it with food in
models apartments, modelsapartments and foods.
Oh, my god.
I can remember another timethis other girl from Estonia
again, stunning, beautifulPrincess, human.
(09:21):
She got a little sushi trayfrom the grocery store and she
brought it back to the modelsapartment and she ate like two
of them and Was like, oh, i'm sofull, does anyone want this?
I can't even.
I'm just I can't even eat therest of it and I'm thinking,
girl, i can eat like a couple ofthese trays.
And I did.
I ate the rest of her sushitray and I was like, yeah, this
(09:44):
is so good.
Oh, but, um, but then I likelearned how I Didn't see it in
the beginning of like the returnof like the skinnier you are,
the more you work.
And then when I did see it, whenit worked for me, when I like
there was a period of time whereI just dropped a ton of weight,
(10:04):
probably lost 25 pounds at 510and Sorry to say numbers, i
don't know if that's triggeringor whatever, but I lost all this
weight.
I looked like I was gonna dieand the agency was clapping.
They were like you look amazing, you look so good, you're doing
it.
Yeah, you're a fashion model.
Like you don't even look likeLucy anymore, you look like a
lucha from Eastern Europe.
(10:25):
Like they thought I looked likea high-fashion girl suddenly
and I was like okay.
So I Remember that feeling, butthen also feeling this like
emptiness and just being so sadbecause my whole existence was
that that like being the sizethat they wanted and that
positive reinforcement was Notthe best.
(10:47):
But then I started making a lotof money and I started working
like crazy and I did a lot ofbig jobs and It was weird
because, ironically, the biggestjob, probably my whole career,
was my L cover and I wasactually Heavier then.
Then I was for any of the otherstuff.
(11:07):
Those were like big jobs.
But like the L cover, i wasover what my supposed to be
measurement was.
I was over the amount that theagency wanted me to be, but I
was on the cover of L at thatsize.
So it was kind of aninteresting dichotomy of Wait.
I got on the cover of L at thissize of the hip.
That is not what they want.
(11:27):
I Kind of used that a little bit.
I was kind of sassy about it.
I think there were a few timeswhen the agency sat me down
about my weight and I was likeWell, it's work.
Anyway, like I said, i had likea resistance with authority and
I think that, like sometimesthat wasn't the cutest thing.
But I also feel kind of proudof myself.
That young me was like I don'twant to be part of this corrupt
(11:50):
thing with weight.
I want to just be myself and bemy natural set point weight.
But I fought hard and then Iultimately lost the battle with
like just losing a lot of weightall the time and like being
That skinny girl, i became anact girl on the board.
The crazy thing is I went fromlike normal skinny to like,
skinny, skinny to like.
I was that girl on the boardthat got dropped sometimes from
(12:13):
jobs for being too thin.
That's big, that's crazy.
And I had the talks with theagencies telling me I got too
skinny and that's Also big.
I remember when I went to LAfor the first time those agents
were like yo, we know it'sintense in New York, but you're
like way too thin, and that wasreally sweet, like that made me
(12:33):
feel like they were actually,they cared about me.
There were a few times too,with the career stuff, where A
casting director would notice myweight and say, hey, Yo, i've
seen you a few times and youlook a lot skinnier.
This is drastic And I was likethanks for noticing me, save me,
please, get me out of here,please.
(12:55):
So Yeah, but that's that someof the horror of the weight
stuff.
But I think that the other thingis that I realized as I was
doing more and more work that Ihad less control of the way that
(13:17):
my image was being put outthere And when it became more
about making money and notcurating my own brand or I hate
that word brand but it was lessabout the quality of jobs and
more about the price and thekinds of jobs that I started to
feel a lot of discord inside Andthen even just I'm very
(13:40):
sensitive and I feel like evenjust like little comments
started to like really add up.
So, like with my skin, like Ijust I had a lot of battles with
my skin of like having it beclear and breaking out and stuff
, and I would just brace myselfEvery time I sat in the makeup
chair.
I'd sit down and be like, okay,they're gonna tell you you have
really bad skin, just go withit with a smile.
(14:04):
And I learned so much mentaltoughness of just sitting there
and be like they're gonna tellme this, this and this, just
lean into it and be like, yeah,you're right.
Okay, yeah, you think Ishouldn't eat sugar?
Okay, cool, like, just go withit.
Make them think that theythought of the solution for your
skin so that they think thatyou're likable because you're
still trying to be on the joball day.
(14:24):
Don't let it get to you, don'tlet it get under your skin,
don't get sad.
But it was between that and likeweight stuff.
I just it was always just likebracing myself.
I felt so calloused of justthey're gonna say something
about my skin or my size.
So just go with it and just youdon't even let it bounce right
(14:45):
off of you And then you get tobe in your own little space at
the end of the day.
Oh, it's making me sad.
It's making me feel so sadBecause then I would just go
home and take it all off and belike, okay, now I get to be
myself And no one is gonna tellme that there's something wrong
(15:05):
with me.
But that aside, i almost feellike like looking at myself
right now and like, girl, if youcouldn't hang, like, if you
couldn't be in the heat, get outof the kitchen.
That's kinda that was.
Like the other thing about it islike if it's so bad, why stay?
And the problem is is that whenyou start so young, you kind of
(15:28):
feel like there's nothing elseyou can do.
And even though I'm smarterthan that, like I know that
there's more that I can do itjust kind of traps you in
because like the amount of moneyyou're making to then pay your
rent, live in amazing city likeNew York, it's kind of addicting
.
And also there's like thisvalidation, like when you do get
(15:48):
the big job and you're likebooked, like fuck yeah, walk
into Sephora, see your face twodifferent places.
Or, you know, go into amagazine store and you see your
face on the cover next to Oprah.
That's a little bit addictingbecause then you feel like
you're doing something right andthat's somehow like yes, okay,
i'm doing it.
(16:08):
Or you look at your bankaccount and you're like, okay,
yeah, i'm good.
So, frickin' modeling.
I feel like if I could tellsomeone, if someone was trying
to get into modeling, i'd belike don't do it.
Don't, because it does teachyou a lot of things, but like,
the kinds of things it teachesyou are not necessarily
(16:30):
productive for your head.
So, yeah, the other aspect ofall these horror stories that I
think I should touch on is thecreepy dudes.
Cause creepy dudes.
That should have been thebeginning, the opener, but I
wanted to save that for the end.
Creepy dudes from beginning,middle end, it just that is.
(16:51):
They love models.
There's a word modelizer Theseguys that are obsessed with
models.
There's also the people in theindustry that are creepy.
I loved gay guys.
I feel like gay guys were mysavior, like I always felt safe.
Gay guys, i mean in Brooklyn Iwas living with what was it
three dudes And I felt so safebecause there was no.
(17:14):
It was like the new girl, butit was like the gay new girl
where I felt so like no one wastrying to like sleep with me.
That was kind of how it was inthe fashion industry, where I
just felt like safe around thegay guys but then afraid of the
straight guys.
And rightfully so, because evenwhen I was 18 in Greece, i
remember the first big editorialfashion photography shoot I did
(17:34):
.
The photographer told me toshow up to his place an hour
before everybody else so that hecould show me some things which
included pornographic material,and it was disgusting And I
literally was like terrified theentire day, cause I was like
why did he show that to me?
This is gross, i'm scared, idon't feel safe That kind of
(17:58):
stuff.
That was like a one-off, reallybad incident.
But there were more things, likethere's stuff that I don't even
want to get into cause it'sjust like so tragic with like
the way men kind of the wordgroom is weird, because it's
like I wasn't underage but I waspretty young And I feel like
these things were veryinappropriate for a professional
(18:21):
situation.
So even in my, when I was 27,.
I was dealing with like weirdharassment and like suggestive
stuff And I was just like I'mtoo old for this, like I don't
want to be in this situationanymore.
I'm not that desperate.
So, anyway, creepy dudes, iwould say, is like the scariest
(18:43):
part.
But then the internal hard likeblows that you get from just
getting day after day after dayafter day after day after day
having things that you're introuble for, that you're just
like for eating too much and forhaving your skin break out or
for having I don't know, justlike all these things that you
(19:05):
can't.
You can control, but like whatare you controlling it for?
That's the stuff that I thinkis not the most healthy.
So yeah, those are some of themodeling horror story things
that kept me just not in thebest place for a very long time.
I get so excited when I likewake up and I'm just like, oh,
(19:29):
okay, that's not my worldanymore, that's not me, i don't
have to do that.
But I do look at like oldphotos and I get kind of like,
wow, that was kind of crazy Andlike some of the stuff was kind
of cool.
But there's some things I cansay that I've done that I'm like
, really that I think are prettyawesome.
But then there are other thingsthat I'm just didn't need to be
(19:49):
there.
But if I could go back I wastalking to my boyfriend about
this I was like, if I could goback and do it all again I don't
know if I would I almost mighthave just gone to NYU for, like,
journalism school or somethingLike.
I don't know, it would bereally hard, because there are
some things that I'm like, well,i'm really glad I have that.
Then there are other thingswhere I'm like I could have died
(20:12):
.
So, anyway, that's what I havefor today's show.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
You can find me on Instagram.
I'm at Lucie BajiexL-U-C-I-E-B-E-A-T-R-I-X.
And until next time.
Just be fast, just win.
I started modeling in 2005, and that's when I became
a professional model and wasworking all over the place, but
then it really took off for realin like 2008 when I was living
in New York City, and so I havesome stories.
I was trying to think of whatwas some of the like scummiest
(00:37):
stuff that I saw as a model,especially back then, because I
feel like before social media,people got away with a lot more,
especially before the Me Toomovement, it was just like the
wild west, and even though therewas starting to be a little bit
of regulation and changes andstuff, and even with like the
body positivity movement comingup around 2010, things were
(00:58):
still wild.
And so I just want to talkabout some of the things that I
experienced, of things that Ijust look back and think that
would either never fly today orI can't believe that happened
And hopefully it's changed,because part of my life now I
live in Texas, now I moved herelast year I'm not in the thick
(01:19):
of it the way that I was, so Idid spend all of my 20s in that.
So like I saw a lot.
But let's get into it.
Let's talk about some of thestuff that I saw some of the
horror stories.
My mom was actuallyparticularly fascinated by my
model's apartment episodebecause she was like moms should
(01:41):
know this stuff.
So maybe that episode will helpmothers of aspiring models kind
of see what it's all about.
And, like I say, hopefully it'schanged and it's not like this
anymore.
But I will never forget when Iwas in high school, when I first
got into modeling, i didn'tknow what was going to happen.
(02:02):
Like I just was kind of likeflying by the seat of my pants
And I remember the first discordbetween the people representing
me and me as a 16-year-old Washaving to get my hair cut.
And this is very minor, butthey wanted to cut my hair.
I have really long hair andthey wanted to cut it like a
bust length And I didn't see why.
(02:24):
So I think I'm just generallykind of a rebel and I have like
a lot of resistance in mewhenever anyone tells me what to
do.
I don't want to do it And theywanted to cut my hair for some
reason.
I guess it was like to lookfresher and, honestly, like they
were probably right, theyprobably had a point to like cut
it to make it look a certainway, whatever, because I just
(02:45):
had this long hair, but becauseit wasn't for a job, like it was
just kind of like hey, we wantto cut your hair.
I felt like it was an attack.
And I remember my 16-year-oldself crying, like left school
and was crying and like justplease don't cut my hair, please
don't cut my hair.
And they I remember thismanager was a grown man
(03:11):
screaming at me on the phone asI like I think I stepped out of
like history class or something.
I was on my cell phone and mymom's cell phone and he was just
like screaming at me that I wasbeing a little brat and if I
really wanted this, i would cutmy hair.
And I just think back to thatmoment of thinking about what my
peers were dealing with andthen what I was dealing with,
(03:33):
which was like I have to cut myhair, and it was minor this is
like just not even scratchingthe surface of the kinds of
stuff that I saw but I justremember that feeling of like an
adult being mad at me becauseof how my hair was.
But that's just.
That was part of the game, likethat was.
That was just getting into thiswhole thing.
(03:55):
So it wasn't long before thesame person was upset with me
about my hip measurements,because that's a big thing in
the modeling industry is likewhat your hip measurements are,
and I think that I originally,when I first was signed on, i
was like the right measurementsand no one said anything.
But then I think six months wentby as a 16 year old, like
(04:16):
weight fluctuations, whatever,and my hip went up like a half
an inch or something andsuddenly I was in the red zone
and it was like if you want this, you need to focus on your diet
.
And they use a lot of codewords of leaning out, and I
specifically remember this emailwas forwarded to me.
So I'm in high school and mymanager forwarded me an email
(04:39):
that my agent in Chicago hadsent him and it said Lucy could
stand to lean out a bit becauseI was looking heavier.
And I read that at 16 and itdefinitely messed with me.
like I could stand to lean outbecause this was for what, like
(05:01):
it wasn't, like it was forsomething specific.
Even then it would be weird,but it was just like this idea
that, like whatever was wrongwith me had to do with my weight
and these adults, people whowere about the age that I am now
older maybe were.
It was like you know I am, whenI really realized in the
beginning of modeling that I'm acommodity, i'm being like I'm
(05:21):
this product and they want me tobe very skinny.
And the certain measurement, andI don't know, i don't know if
emailing a 16 year old about howsomeone talked about you and
your objective terms of yourbody, when there is no reason,
it was literally just becausethat's what they wanted, in that
moment it stuck with me and Iremember that was kind of the
(05:45):
beginning of me starting to likethink twice about food, because
it was this problem now, likeit was like if you want this,
you're gonna have to figure thisout with your measurements, and
the hip measurement that becamethe theme of the next 15 plus
years of my life of like, whatare your hit measurements?
and so anyway, that was in highschool and I remember then I
(06:08):
started to kind of think aboutit.
I wasn't like dieting, but Istarted to think about food and
how it related to my body andlike what should I and shouldn't
I be doing?
and actually, of all things,exercising was this weird?
it wasn't, it wasn'tdiscouraged, but they did not
want me to build muscle.
(06:29):
Like building muscle was ano-no.
And I remember later on adifferent agent was discouraging
me from exercising too much.
They told me like to never runon the treadmill at a certain
speed because it'll make my legsbig and like all this crazy
stuff fast forward.
And she ran a 244 marathon and,like you know, i went on to be
(06:50):
a runner.
So it's kind of funny to thinklike somebody was like, don't
run, you're gonna get bulky.
And I actually my mom exemptedme from PE or exempted me from
sports in high school, eventhough my, my high school was
very big on sports.
I was in PE.
I was one of the few people inPE because worrying about
getting bulky for sports,because of modeling, and I asked
(07:10):
, i also kind of don't want toplay sports.
So it it wasn't like I wasdying to play sports and I
couldn't.
I didn't want to play sportsbut I couldn't because it was
gonna make me too bulky formodeling weird stuff to be
implanted in a young teenagemind.
So that was my impression ofrunning, which is kind of funny
(07:31):
to think about.
But that stuff with, like theweight, i remember that just
carried, that went.
That went so much harder themore work I got.
So like it wasn't like, oh, igot to a point where I could
just be a certain weight and befine with it.
No, when I went to Europe itwas like centimeters, it wasn't
inches, so that was even moreprecise and it was less.
(07:51):
It was like you want to be thecertain measurement.
And the girls in the modelsapartment I remember they were
talking about like what's?
what measurement was what?
and I was looking at thesebeautiful girls thinking like
wait, you're worried about yourweight.
Like you're perfect, you're soperfect, how come you're worried
about your weight?
and then that made me.
I remember I tried to not like,i tried to actually resist.
(08:13):
I was like I was like wait, idon't think I have, i don't
think I have to lose weight.
And they were like I thinkremember this one girl from
Estonia.
She was so gorgeous and she waslike.
She said something like that'sa really rude thing to say that
you, you're perfect how you are.
Because I think I was like I'mperfect the way I am, the
American in the house, theAmerican in the models apartment
(08:35):
, being like I'm not, i don'tneed to lose weight, um, and she
said that was really rude andShe would also.
She would also, when we wouldorder food, she would like I
remember she would do some weirdthing where we were both I
wouldn't want pasta and she'slike no, no, no, we're gonna get
pasta.
Like she wanted to eat thepasta and I'd be like okay, fine
(08:58):
, and then we'd be eating it andshe like stop and be like I'm
full and then like be watchingme.
It was like this weirdpsychological stuff of like food
problems bouncing off ofeveryone, everyone's freaking
out and stressed That's the bestway to describe it with food in
models apartments, modelsapartments and foods.
Oh, my god.
I can remember another timethis other girl from Estonia
again, stunning, beautifulPrincess, human.
(09:21):
She got a little sushi trayfrom the grocery store and she
brought it back to the modelsapartment and she ate like two
of them and Was like, oh, i'm sofull, does anyone want this?
I can't even.
I'm just I can't even eat therest of it and I'm thinking,
girl, i can eat like a couple ofthese trays.
And I did.
I ate the rest of her sushitray and I was like, yeah, this
(09:44):
is so good.
Oh, but, um, but then I likelearned how I Didn't see it in
the beginning of like the returnof like the skinnier you are,
the more you work.
And then when I did see it, whenit worked for me, when I like
there was a period of time whereI just dropped a ton of weight,
(10:04):
probably lost 25 pounds at 510and Sorry to say numbers, i
don't know if that's triggeringor whatever, but I lost all this
weight.
I looked like I was gonna dieand the agency was clapping.
They were like you look amazing, you look so good, you're doing
it.
Yeah, you're a fashion model.
Like you don't even look likeLucy anymore, you look like a
lucha from Eastern Europe.
(10:25):
Like they thought I looked likea high-fashion girl suddenly
and I was like okay.
So I Remember that feeling, butthen also feeling this like
emptiness and just being so sadbecause my whole existence was
that that like being the sizethat they wanted and that
positive reinforcement was Notthe best.
(10:47):
But then I started making a lotof money and I started working
like crazy and I did a lot ofbig jobs and It was weird
because, ironically, the biggestjob, probably my whole career,
was my L cover and I wasactually Heavier then.
Then I was for any of the otherstuff.
(11:07):
Those were like big jobs.
But like the L cover, i wasover what my supposed to be
measurement was.
I was over the amount that theagency wanted me to be, but I
was on the cover of L at thatsize.
So it was kind of aninteresting dichotomy of Wait.
I got on the cover of L at thissize of the hip.
That is not what they want.
(11:27):
I Kind of used that a little bit.
I was kind of sassy about it.
I think there were a few timeswhen the agency sat me down
about my weight and I was likeWell, it's work.
Anyway, like I said, i had likea resistance with authority and
I think that, like sometimesthat wasn't the cutest thing.
But I also feel kind of proudof myself.
That young me was like I don'twant to be part of this corrupt
(11:50):
thing with weight.
I want to just be myself and bemy natural set point weight.
But I fought hard and then Iultimately lost the battle with
like just losing a lot of weightall the time and like being
That skinny girl, i became anact girl on the board.
The crazy thing is I went fromlike normal skinny to like,
skinny, skinny to like.
I was that girl on the boardthat got dropped sometimes from
(12:13):
jobs for being too thin.
That's big, that's crazy.
And I had the talks with theagencies telling me I got too
skinny and that's Also big.
I remember when I went to LAfor the first time those agents
were like yo, we know it'sintense in New York, but you're
like way too thin, and that wasreally sweet, like that made me
(12:33):
feel like they were actually,they cared about me.
There were a few times too,with the career stuff, where A
casting director would notice myweight and say, hey, Yo, i've
seen you a few times and youlook a lot skinnier.
This is drastic And I was likethanks for noticing me, save me,
please, get me out of here,please.
(12:55):
So Yeah, but that's that someof the horror of the weight
stuff.
But I think that the other thingis that I realized as I was
doing more and more work that Ihad less control of the way that
(13:17):
my image was being put outthere And when it became more
about making money and notcurating my own brand or I hate
that word brand but it was lessabout the quality of jobs and
more about the price and thekinds of jobs that I started to
feel a lot of discord inside Andthen even just I'm very
(13:40):
sensitive and I feel like evenjust like little comments
started to like really add up.
So, like with my skin, like Ijust I had a lot of battles with
my skin of like having it beclear and breaking out and stuff
, and I would just brace myselfEvery time I sat in the makeup
chair.
I'd sit down and be like, okay,they're gonna tell you you have
really bad skin, just go withit with a smile.
(14:04):
And I learned so much mentaltoughness of just sitting there
and be like they're gonna tellme this, this and this, just
lean into it and be like, yeah,you're right.
Okay, yeah, you think Ishouldn't eat sugar?
Okay, cool, like, just go withit.
Make them think that theythought of the solution for your
skin so that they think thatyou're likable because you're
still trying to be on the joball day.
(14:24):
Don't let it get to you, don'tlet it get under your skin,
don't get sad.
But it was between that and likeweight stuff.
I just it was always just likebracing myself.
I felt so calloused of justthey're gonna say something
about my skin or my size.
So just go with it and just youdon't even let it bounce right
(14:45):
off of you And then you get tobe in your own little space at
the end of the day.
Oh, it's making me sad.
It's making me feel so sadBecause then I would just go
home and take it all off and belike, okay, now I get to be
myself And no one is gonna tellme that there's something wrong
(15:05):
with me.
But that aside, i almost feellike like looking at myself
right now and like, girl, if youcouldn't hang, like, if you
couldn't be in the heat, get outof the kitchen.
That's kinda that was.
Like the other thing about it islike if it's so bad, why stay?
And the problem is is that whenyou start so young, you kind of
(15:28):
feel like there's nothing elseyou can do.
And even though I'm smarterthan that, like I know that
there's more that I can do itjust kind of traps you in
because like the amount of moneyyou're making to then pay your
rent, live in amazing city likeNew York, it's kind of addicting
.
And also there's like thisvalidation, like when you do get
(15:48):
the big job and you're likebooked, like fuck yeah, walk
into Sephora, see your face twodifferent places.
Or, you know, go into amagazine store and you see your
face on the cover next to Oprah.
That's a little bit addictingbecause then you feel like
you're doing something right andthat's somehow like yes, okay,
i'm doing it.
(16:08):
Or you look at your bankaccount and you're like, okay,
yeah, i'm good.
So, frickin' modeling.
I feel like if I could tellsomeone, if someone was trying
to get into modeling, i'd belike don't do it.
Don't, because it does teachyou a lot of things, but like,
the kinds of things it teachesyou are not necessarily
(16:30):
productive for your head.
So, yeah, the other aspect ofall these horror stories that I
think I should touch on is thecreepy dudes.
Cause creepy dudes.
That should have been thebeginning, the opener, but I
wanted to save that for the end.
Creepy dudes from beginning,middle end, it just that is.
(16:51):
They love models.
There's a word modelizer Theseguys that are obsessed with
models.
There's also the people in theindustry that are creepy.
I loved gay guys.
I feel like gay guys were mysavior, like I always felt safe.
Gay guys, i mean in Brooklyn Iwas living with what was it
three dudes And I felt so safebecause there was no.
(17:14):
It was like the new girl, butit was like the gay new girl
where I felt so like no one wastrying to like sleep with me.
That was kind of how it was inthe fashion industry, where I
just felt like safe around thegay guys but then afraid of the
straight guys.
And rightfully so, because evenwhen I was 18 in Greece, i
remember the first big editorialfashion photography shoot I did
(17:34):
.
The photographer told me toshow up to his place an hour
before everybody else so that hecould show me some things which
included pornographic material,and it was disgusting And I
literally was like terrified theentire day, cause I was like
why did he show that to me?
This is gross, i'm scared, idon't feel safe That kind of
(17:58):
stuff.
That was like a one-off, reallybad incident.
But there were more things, likethere's stuff that I don't even
want to get into cause it'sjust like so tragic with like
the way men kind of the wordgroom is weird, because it's
like I wasn't underage but I waspretty young And I feel like
these things were veryinappropriate for a professional
(18:21):
situation.
So even in my, when I was 27,.
I was dealing with like weirdharassment and like suggestive
stuff And I was just like I'mtoo old for this, like I don't
want to be in this situationanymore.
I'm not that desperate.
So, anyway, creepy dudes, iwould say, is like the scariest
(18:43):
part.
But then the internal hard likeblows that you get from just
getting day after day after dayafter day after day after day
having things that you're introuble for, that you're just
like for eating too much and forhaving your skin break out or
for having I don't know, justlike all these things that you
(19:05):
can't.
You can control, but like whatare you controlling it for?
That's the stuff that I thinkis not the most healthy.
So yeah, those are some of themodeling horror story things
that kept me just not in thebest place for a very long time.
I get so excited when I likewake up and I'm just like, oh,
(19:29):
okay, that's not my worldanymore, that's not me, i don't
have to do that.
But I do look at like oldphotos and I get kind of like,
wow, that was kind of crazy Andlike some of the stuff was kind
of cool.
But there's some things I cansay that I've done that I'm like
, really that I think are prettyawesome.
But then there are other thingsthat I'm just didn't need to be
(19:49):
there.
But if I could go back I wastalking to my boyfriend about
this I was like, if I could goback and do it all again I don't
know if I would I almost mighthave just gone to NYU for, like,
journalism school or somethingLike.
I don't know, it would bereally hard, because there are
some things that I'm like, well,i'm really glad I have that.
Then there are other thingswhere I'm like I could have died
(20:12):
.
So, anyway, that's what I havefor today's show.
Thanks so much for tuning in.
You can find me on Instagram.
I'm at Lucie BajiexL-U-C-I-E-B-E-A-T-R-I-X.
And until next time.
Just be fast, just win.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.