Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Tiffany(00:01):
(00:01):
I have this habit when people ask Tiffany, how are you, you know, I'm, I'm going to drop my little kid, my, my daughter off at preschool, or my son off at kindergarten, and one of the parents says, how are you? I'm quick to say, fine. You know, I'm fine. Good wonderful, fabulous. I'm great. And it's true. I am all of those things. But also people are not there to be hearing me say, oh, I'm really struggling with this in my life. My day-to-day is easeful, right? However, however, however I also am the kind of person who is ruthlessly honest, brutally honest with myself about where things are fine and where things are not fine in my life. Be that how I'm showing up as a parent, you know, I, I, I regularly and honestly check in with myself.
Tiffany(01:01):
I regularly and honestly get feedback from the important people in my life about what's happening in my life and whether things are actually fine or whether they need some examination or some adjustment. And that has served me very well. It takes emotional resilience. It takes a good support network to be honest about when things are working well and when things are not working. And in fact, it was this willingness to be honest, that allowed me to initially build up my, my private practice with cash pay high fees, especially when nobody around me was doing it. My, my, you know, supervisors, I couldn't really look to them for that. My, the people I consulted with, they were not charging premium fees. You know, they were seasoned clinicians who'd been in the field for decades, and they were still charging maybe $150 per session.
Tiffany(01:53):
So I ha I didn't have models to say like, Hey, this is not fine. It is not fine to be charging $110 per session, or it is not fine to actually only be charging $150 a session when reality dictates to actually have a life that serves you, a life that takes care of you and allows you to, to, to feel ease and actually show up and do good clinical work to be kind to the people around me. You need to be charging two 50. Everyone around me was like, it's fine. This is what we do. This is how it is. And they'd have these big circles under their eyes. You know, my colleagues would be running from one thing to another, eating yogurt in their car, having trash piled up, but because they were just in service of the cause, seeing, you know, eight, eight client hours a day, sometimes working on Saturday, it's just what people did.
Tiffany(02:43):
This was the time when being the kind of person, and I was not always this way. I used to be the kind of person who said, I'm fine, and I didn't even know things were not fine on the inside, or that things were not fine in my life. I couldn't face it, but by this time, I was the kind of person who, who could recognize, even when everyone around me is saying it's fine, or this is just what we do, I had to check in with myself and say, this is actually not fine. It's not fine that I'm pregnant and going on a walk during my workday and feeling guilty that I'm taking a walk when I should be working. Right? That's not fine, especially when I'm walking past a golf course where all these men, actually all men, majority of them white, were golfing in the middle of a weekday.
Tiffany(03:28):
And there I'm feeling guilty about taking a walk. That's not fine. And I had to be honest with myself about that and my willingness, my tenacity. I mean, I just couldn't do anything else, right? I, I ha I, I, I love reality more than anything. Honesty, even if we're not honest with other people, being able to be honest with ourselves and having people around us who can be honest with us that's one of my strengths. And it was that honesty that allowed me to say, it's not fine for me to only be charging $110 per session, or a hundred, even 180. It's not fine to only be charging 180 as a 36 or 37-year-old living in this city when all these people, there's so many people out there who could afford more, and I went through so much life growth a master's program, 3000 hours post that to get my training, two years training beyond that I wanna start a family.
Tiffany(04:37):
I wanna be able to show up for them. It's not fine to charge $180 for that. It's not fine to be on an insurance panel and get an $80 reimbursement if, if they decide to give it to me and not claw it back. That's not fine. And that allowed me to ultimately build up my practice, cash, pay work, you know, 10 hours a week and make enough money to slowly be able to build up this business on the side, lean in, make bank, and then full time, eventually go into lean in and make bank full time. So I could come here and have these conversations with therapists like you who have gotten into the it's just problematic habit. No shame, but let's just call it what it is of, of telling yourself. It's fine. Just it's fine. You say it to the people around you.
Tiffany(05:21):
You maybe even say it to the people around you, oh, I'm exhausted. Oh, I'm so stressed out, man. My kids are just taking it outta me. Oh, I barely have time for myself. Like, you're complaining all day long to other people, but you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that what you're doing is not okay. The way you're running your practice is not okay, getting into arguments with your spouse. Maybe you're not even arguing anymore. Maybe you're just in a state of withdrawal. You're just avoiding them. You just come home and you're short tempered, you're irritated, you're irritable, and you're telling 'em, look, I've been working all day. Right? And you're not even bringing in enough money for you all to be experiencing financial security. You're, you're not even earning enough to be worth it. I think it's never worth it to be in a miserable, short mean marriage, right?
Tiffany(06:16):
To be a tight, constrained, impatient parent. I think nothing is worth that cost. But if you're gonna be feeling those things, at least you could be making bank be saving up money, putting it in your retirement. At least you could be going on fabulous vacations. But if you are like, I'm short and irritable and mean with the people around me, the people I love, the people I claim to love my, my children, my husband, my wife, because I'm giving everything to my clinical work, pouring everything into my clients, by the way, not even doing a good job there, there, because you are stressed and tired and irritated, and you have no time or space or money to take care of yourself, but you're telling yourself it's fine. I'm, my clinical work is fine. The fact that I'm, you know, six weeks behind on my notes, it's fine. the fact that I, you know, can barely to take a shower because I'm so stressed out and I'm martyring myself, it's fine. It's not actually fine.
Tiffany(07:17):
And I get why you're saying it's fine, right? You grew up as a person who literally had to hold it together. You had to hold it together for your mom. You had to hold it together for your dad. He was stressed out, you know, doing his best to, to make sure finances were okay. Your mom was doing all of the emotional labor, probably working on top of that. Also, raising the kids, making the school lunches, organizing the play dates, you know, all of the things that parents did in that generation. They couldn't show up for you. In fact, your emotions were a burden to them. Your not being fine was a problem for your parents. You likely then got into a relationship where on some level you kind of have to be fine. You have to hold it together. You certainly have to hold it together for your clients.
Tiffany(08:09):
You are probably the one in your friend group who are who, who listens to their problems, who shows up for them when they need you. You have had to suck it up and do it all and tell yourself it's fine, because what's the alternative? You fall apart and there's no one to catch you, right? You collapse. You cancel your day of clients, and there's no money that comes in. You just come home exhausted and say, I can't do it anymore. Ask for help only to find out that there's no one there who is actually gonna help you. It feels like being fine is the only option, and that's led you to create a practice that's not actually sustainable. It doesn't actually work. It's a grind. You are in survival mode, and you don't even know until now because what I'm saying is resonating with you.
Tiffany(09:01):
You're starting to realize, oh, if I'm feeling physically tight and getting in arguments with my husband, when I get home from work, if I'm feeling like keeping tabs with my wife, you know, she's going to that friend date, then I get a friend date. Hey, she took a walk. That means I get to take a walk. You're, you're, you're, you're keeping tabs on who has a little bit of joy in their life and feeling resentful, feeling spiteful when your partner is experiencing a little bit of joy or connectedness in areas of their life. When you're aware that you, you're not actually present for your kids, much less, you know, going on field trips or volunteering for anything. When you do, you're doing it angrily and impatiently and with frustration and irritation.
(00:22):
Tiffany(09:48):
It's not fine. But this is what you have kind of just found yourself in. Initially it was supposed to be temporary. Like, let me just get out of this agency work. Let me just get out of this group practice. I want something more for myself. I wanna be my own boss. But then you ended up on all these insurance panels, and the only people who are calling you are people who wanna use their insurance. You have your hand, handful of, of cash pay clients, but they're not paying you very much either. Certainly not what you need to be present and engaged and kind and generous with the people around you. Everything is constricted, and it was supposed to be temporary, but now it's been a year, two years, five years. And here you find yourself in a position where things are not actually fine.
Tiffany(10:31):
And I'm here to tell you that they actually can get better. You actually can impact your practice. I know it feels like you're putting out so much energy and you're getting nothing in return. You're helping so many people. You're doing so much and you're not getting back energy. You're certainly not getting back financial health or wellbeing. You're just giving, giving, giving, pouring, pouring, pouring, and getting nothing in return. The first step in this is acknowledging what's real. It's acknowledging reality. It's acknowledging that this is not actually working for you. This practice is not working for you. We have an episode coming up with a therapist, Dr. Tari, I don't know if it's been out yet or not. Search through the e episodes, the podcast episodes. Tari talks about coming home, and her husband says to her, oh, you actually think this is working? You really believe this is working .
Tiffany(11:20):
And that was the moment she realized like, oh, what I'm doing here, what I have set up with my practice, 30 clients a week, back to back, no time for myself. Stressed out, burnt candles at both ends morning, dropping the kids off, going to see eight clients a day, picking up the kids at night, making dinner, putting 'em into bed, falling asleep myself after being on TikTok for two hours. Oh, this doesn't work. That's step number one. And when you take that first step, if you're listening, listening to this, and you're like, oh, no, oh, no it can come with anger, grief, Tiffany, nobody helped me. Nobody helped me. It's not fair that I'm in. I'm, it's not my fault. I'm in this position. It's not fair. Yeah, yeah, it's hard. It's hard to face what currently is sad, such grief.
Tiffany(12:13):
There can be such grief when we acknowledge and recognize and admit to ourselves that what we have set up currently is not working. I'm there with you. I've been there. I had to go through this myself, and I go through small patterns of it. You know, it's very important to me to acknowledge and recognize when things aren't working. Even if I say it's fine to other people, my day's good. I have to be honest about what's working and what's not in my life, because I truly believe I've seen it in my own life. I've seen it with the therapists we're working with, by the way, at the end of this podcast episode, my name's Tiffany, founder of Lean In Make Bank, where we help therapists actually identify what's working and what's not. We are there, we're here for the feelings that come once we realize what, what we have set up is not actually what we want.
Tiffany(13:01):
And it's not only not working, but it's hurting. It's damaging ourselves and our children and the people we love. We're here for the feelings. We are here for that pause, that moment of real devastation, honestly, like the, just the despondency that comes when we recognize our day-to-day isn't working for us, to say the least, and we're here for the other side. I love this work because I have been to the other side, . I know what it's like when we acknowledge, because then we can take responsibility. It's empowering to have a community of people who sees you, who has been where you're at, and working to change themselves, but not just talking about change, but they're actually doing it, and they know you can do it too. They've played that long game. They can see the spark in you even when you can't see it yourself, right?
Tiffany(13:53):
I, I'm excited about this phase. Even when you're angry, even when you're feel sad, despondent so alone, I'm here for it because I know that's the first step. That's the first step to actually having what you want. Being able to actually come home to your kids. At the end of the day, shoot, man. You even get to pick 'em up from school, and you actually feel easeful and present. You are happy to see them. Even when they whine wine. They wanted a different snack. You brought 'em apples, and they really wanted a pair. As you are the meanest mommy, and you actually are there for them, you even can have a little bit of a smile for which they're gonna yell at you for making fun of them. , when you're really just smiling, because you actually are happy to be with them, you're present. You have so much emotional capacity for all of them, all of them in a way that never happened for you.
Tiffany(14:50):
That's what can come when you have financial ease, when you have freedom, time freedom, emotional and psychic bandwidth where you're actually telling your wife, go out with your friends. You need a little space. I got this, sweetheart, I got this at home, and you really do. You're not saying I'm fine, because you just say you're fine. You actually are fine. I know that's what's on the other side of recognizing right now, what isn't working. That's step number one. I encourage you to go fill out our fund with fee calculator to private practice calculator. You can go to the show notes. If you haven't filled it out, do, if you have filled it out, do it again. I hear from so many therapists who fill it out and they cannot stomach , like it's too much to see the number that comes out when they see what they actually need to be charging in order to have ease and spaciousness and actually show up and being the parent.
Tiffany(15:46):
They wanna be just a little breathing room for themselves. Even just a little breathing room for yourself. It costs money. And sometimes when therapists see the, the real price, the real price of their own freedom, their own joy, it's a little daunting. But, but I'm here for you. Send me an email. I, I read and respond in the emails you all send me. Send me a DM at Lean In, make Bank on Instagram. Let me know what comes up. I'll talk you down. I've been there and I've been through, and I know you can do it too.
Outro (16:20):
All right. Whatever you're doing, I want you to pause. If you're driving, pull over. If you're chopping a carrot, put that knife away. If you're making sweet, Love to your woman, well, I mean, that's, that's, that's kind of flattering in a weird way. Huh. You can go, you can just go ahead and you can keep doing that. But for the rest of you, if you learn even just one thing of value today, please share this episode with even just one therapist who could benefit from the message. Here's how, if you're listening on iTunes, click on the episode and you'll see a small purple circle with three dots. Click on those dots, and you're gonna see the option to share at the bottom of the list. Click that, and you can just go ahead and share it on Facebook, or you can even just text it to one therapist who you know needs to hear it. If you're listening on Stitcher, just tap the triangle icon on the upper right corner. It's next to the menu that displays your upcoming playlist. You'll see the option to share the episode you're currently listening to right on Facebook. Look, it's time to get the word out. We gotta spread the message. Thank you so much, and we'll join each other again soon.