Knives

In the episode titled "Bagel," the gang, including Rufus T. Rufus, Producer, and Aloysius J. Pig, meet Engineer- who calls Rufus 'Bagel.'

Episode Transcript

(00:04):
Always so busy. Never not busy. Never not
moving. Never slowing down. Going over here, going
over there? Never stop moving, moving all around.
Do I even sleep? I don't even know.
Do I even
eat? Yeah. My stomach says, yes. It just...
It actually says stop eating as much. Hi.

(00:24):
Everyone. This is Nadia Bumper car. And this
is the bumper podcast,
and it is summer. It is so summer.
It hurts. It is so summer
that you can't even believe how summer it
is. And what do I mean by that?
I mean, it's hot, and it has been
hot for... It feels like forever.
Every time I
go out of my house.

(00:46):
You know what... I just... I I melt
into a puddle, just boot right there.
My kids, they wanna go to the pool.
They wanna go to can't. They wanna go
to move whatever they wanna go to. They're
like, come on, dad. Let's go.
I go alright.
Just... Hold on a second. If And then
I walk out of the door, blew I
turn to a puddle. And so now with

(01:07):
the kids do, they know.
They travel with a bucket so that anytime
we have to go someplace.
1 of them goes out starts the car
turns the air conditioning on, the other 1
goes and gets the bucket and the scoop.
And then
they know that to tell me that we
have to leave a lot earlier, bucket then

(01:28):
you would think that we would have to
leave
because they are factoring in the amount of
time that it will take for me to
walk out the door melt, b scooped up,
be put into the air conditioned car
and
recon,
compose. I'm not really sure what I'm doing.

(01:49):
I guess I'm
becoming
becoming less,
Gooey.
Less gelatin,
more solid.
I'm I'm not sure. Now I don't even
know.
Hey they figured it out. It wasn't me.
It was up to me. I would I
just would stayed a puddle for the rest
of my days.

(02:09):
And then the nights, I would probably un
pothole because it would be cooler.
And then in the morning I guess I
would...
Just be a puddle again.
That's not gonna be good for the resale
of the house because I'm right in front
of the front door or usually when this
happens,
and, you know, I don't know a lot
about real estate,

(02:30):
some would say barely anything.
Or but I do... I'm guessing. This is
me guessing. I'm going out on a limb,
and I'm saying
that,
having a puddle of goo
right in front of the front door,
probably
not
gonna help with resale value. I mean, I

(02:51):
I... Again,
I can't promise that. I don't know what
a hundred percent for sure.
But
that's what my instincts.
My
just
razor
sharp,
business
instincts are... Telling me.
I don't have razor of sharp
instincts you guys. I I just wanted to

(03:12):
make sure that you knew that. I I
don't have razor sharp anything at this point.
My
fingernails,
not razor sharp. My wit, make
not razor sharp.
My sword, it's not even razor sharp.
My knives, all of my knives,

(03:33):
I was told I have to take my
knives to a place
to get them sharpened.
And
I don't know
I'm nervous about it because I don't really
know what it me. I mean, I understand
the concept you have a knife. You take
it to a place.
The the people they're
make it sharp somehow. I'm guessing

(03:57):
Ai,
robots,
Maybe they have,
I don't know, badger in the back, working
in the back who has skills.
I don't know how it works. But
I'm I'm just freaked out because I'm gonna
take all my knives someplace,
then they're gonna take my knives.
They're gonna do some sort of a,

(04:18):
some sort of magic,
2 to the knives and or know what
they're gonna do first, they're gonna take the
knives and they're gonna judge me. They're gonna
look at the knives and they're gonna judge
me on
the lack of sharpness.
You the
just
lack of upkeep on my knives. So I
have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for

(04:41):
that part,
Like, I'm now getting over the hump of
gathering up all the knives
and and then, you know, finding the place
going, to the place, getting out of the
car, not melting going into the place,
and then they're just gonna judge
They're gonna look at the knives. They're gonna
kind of probably spread them out on the

(05:03):
table or whatever, and they're gonna look at
them. They, you know, they'll start picking them
up. Even can put them in order, like
size order or something they're gonna start picking
them up by the handle
and kind of holding them straight up and
looking at them. Maybe twisting them in their
hand,
twisting them back
kind of an them more, so they're getting
a little bit a different light.

(05:25):
And as they're doing this, you know, and
they keep shifting it around in their hand,
they're gonna make these big size of
Like, you know, like that,
not like,
Oh, well, okay. These will look at things.
No. It's gonna be

(05:46):
j, Mc,
Mc,
Mc knife sharpen.
And then they're gonna take my knives.
And I'm gonna forget to ask how much
it all costs
and then in 2 weeks or whatever when
they when they, hey, got your eyes back.
I'm gonna go
and and they're gonna say,

(06:06):
we really had to do a lot of
work on those knives. Me like, cool. I
got it. Thanks. You already made me feel
awesome.
And
you They're gonna go in the back,
and they might even give me a ticket
when I leave. They might take my ticket
when I get there, look at the ticket,
then make fun of me, then go back
to the back and and and bring out
a a bag or whatever,

(06:28):
of tray maybe, of of my eye,
and they're gonna put them on the table
and they'll say, you know, take a look.
Maybe maybe they'll maybe they'll even give me
like a carrot to cut. Just to prove
how sharp these knives now are. Be careful
with those. Alright. Those are very sharp now,
much sharper than they were when you... I'm

(06:49):
like, I get it. Buddy.
I like, would you like to cut a
carrot? Like, well, yeah. Or who wouldn't wanna
cut a carrot.
You wanna cut. We also have... I don't...
You probably don't know this. You don't remember,
but there used to be commercial
on the television
where they were cell knives, and and they

(07:09):
would be... They would take drills a can.
Like a can of soup, a can a
pee. What I don't know what? Just I'm
about a metal can. And they go, like,
this knife
can cut through anything, and they cut through
a...
The can with a knife,
which in your mind, you're like, well, that's
destroyed that knife, that knife is never coming

(07:30):
back from that. And then they would go
and they'd bring in a tomato, and they
would just
right through it. Like like the like that
the knife was a a razor blade. Like,
the knife was a laser razor blade, and
they would just cut right through that tomato.
And then they'd go back and they would
start hacking at,

(07:52):
I don't remember what it was, a block
of ice or some thing hard.
Yeah. And and then they'd go back and
they they'd they take a strawberry, A a
sweet delicious little straw,
and they would just so gently
cut the strawberry in you just ago, well
these knives?
What are they? How how do I how
do I get the them and then they

(08:14):
would tell you,
how much they were,
how to get them, who to call, how
long it was probably gonna them take for
them to get to you, and then you
know what? You can also get a second
set of knives that are also magic that
do the same
magical to things as the first set of
knives that we showed you, which

(08:35):
to me is weird
because if your shin showing me
these
magic
blades
that I will have... I will pay passed
out in my family for eternity, then why
are you gonna to? I don't need 2
sets. I don't need 2 sets of knives.
That's a lot of knives.

(08:57):
Passed I would go so far as to
say,
it's a it's an unhealthy,
unsafe amount of knives. Like, if I'm gonna
go into a house,
and I see, you know, people have, like,
a a block on their countertop, and it's
a a knife block. And I walk in
and I go, oh, look at those in
knife cool. But if I walk again,
nice see 2 knife blocks.

(09:19):
I'm turning around and leaving
because you're someone who has too many knives.
I don't need to be around that many
sharp surfaces.
And if there are these magic merchandise and
they're very sharp,
very, very sharp.
Anyway back to my knife story,
I'm there,

(09:40):
guy wanna cut a care carrot or whatever.
I don't think they'd bring out a can
although,
that'd be pretty amazing.
And
you're like, you. They seem good because what
do... I mean, their knives. You're gonna be
like, okay. Cut of care. Awesome.
And
and you're... Then they'll start by like, yeah,
yeah you know, we also did this to
it. We also upgraded you to this. You

(10:00):
know, we really felt like, and you're, like,
I just want my knives. I want... I
just...
I just wanna go home, I'm and
not have to think about knives anymore for
right now, Maybe ever, and
Then you're like, okay. Well, what's
what's the damage?
What's the bill? How much is this gonna

(10:23):
cost rare?
And then they they they throw out some
number
that's so exorbitant, so insanely expensive
that you could have gone out.
And
taken you could have gone Norway and taken
classes on craft
knife building.
And
so you've flown you're staying there for the

(10:45):
2 weeks, you are buying the materials,
you're paying for the class and you're flying
back, and that would have been less money
than what they are now charging you, to
sharpen your knives.
And so you're in a real conundrum
because there's the knives, you've done everything. You
took the mocking. You got them sharpen.

(11:06):
And now you're looking at a bill, and
you you know they they have you. The
work has been done. But not thing you
can do.
What are you gonna do? Is gonna throw
your hands up? I, you know what? I
don't want these knives
anymore, but you do because they're your knives.
Wait what are you gonna what are gonna
do when you get home? People are gonna
people are gonna ask because you know what

(11:27):
people in houses like to do. They like
to cut things. They like to cut vegetables.
They like to cut
fruit.
They like to gut meat.
They don't like to cut cans.
They don't. Well they shouldn't.
Alright. I'm gonna give you a little secret
here. I've discovered lover that my child, 1
of my children, we won't say which 1

(11:50):
has a tendency
to take cans of soda,
cans other of
seltzer, whatever it is. Cans of beverage say,
and he he he he sneaks mountain to
the yard. You're like, oh, come on, just
the kid to have a canvas right now.
I don't no. He he takes the cans
and he takes knives, like sharp things, and

(12:12):
he cuts into that the cans.
And then he comes in
either covered in in in in sugar water
or maybe bleeding.
What happened.
Yeah. I fell off the slide.
What? You fell off the slide. Are you
okay? Oh, baby, then you go outside and
you see a massacred can and you're like,

(12:34):
this kid does not need any more knives
at all.
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(12:55):
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(13:15):
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(13:38):
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