The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

Hey Man (or woman),
Are you alive or are you somewhat turned off, numb, or somewhat apathetic?
If so, you're not alone.
You might be suffering from the under-diagnosed phenomenon of the covert male depression, as first described by Terrance Real.

In this talk, taken from a webinar for therapists, I share my story of covert depression and detail how this covert depression begins through psychological patriarchy, how it evolves and ...

Are you living your full self?
Are you manifesting all your different passions and talents?
Some of us have multiple passions, and don't want to commit to only one profession.
That is called being a Multipotentialite (coined by Emilie Wapnick), or slashers.
How can you live a multipotentialite life?

This is an honest talk with friend Tal Shibi who is a slasher: dance/choreographer/photographer/director/actor/shiatsu practitioner. In...

Many of us learn at a young age (especially boys) that vulnerability=weakness.
We therefore try to hide it and don't show it to our partners.
This results in shallow, self-presentational relationships with little vitality, excitement, play or curiosity.
Moreover, when you're not vulnerable, then you're less interesting to your partner and over time you become more numb to your own inner workings.

The solution? practice...

Fighting is inevitable in every intimate relationship.
Most of us don't like, don't know how, or don't even know when we are fighting.
Yet arguments and conflicts are a crucial element in building an intimate, differentiated relationship.
Too bad there isn't a blueprint for a "positive" fight and make up...

Well, actually, there is!

In this talk, we share a recommended three-stage model for the positive fight and...

Many of us find ourselves in charge or a certain dimension of our relationship alone, be it cleaning, financial planning, parenting, and more.
This sole responsibility is often a source of tension and frustration in the dyad.
This universal pattern is called the seesaw principle (as coined my Michelle Weiner Davis), where the more one person does, the less the other partner does.

In this talk we unpack the seesaw principle in intimate...

Bitterness.
Usually it is a passing feeling, but sometimes we encounter a partner who is constantly bitter, and their partner who is trying to cheer them up (or avoid them).
It is so common that it has become almost a stereotype.
Women express bitterness through criticism, pessimism, grogginess, and overall negativity. Men express this feeling through cynicism, apathy, aggression, or passive aggressive behavior.

In this talk, we unpack...

Do you have a sense your partner is sticking it to you but they keep denying it?
Do you or your partner deny certain bad behaviors to each other?

We all sometimes semi-consciously act in small negative ways to our partners -  David Schnarch calls this phenomenon "Normal Marital Sadism".  After all, the opposite of love is apathy (not hatred). So we all do it.

But when one partner continuously denies aggressive, belittling, or ...

Are you (or your partner) super driven to be efficient?
Is it hard for you to lower your productivity and just be?
If so, you're not alone.

Efficiency is actually a wonderful trait but can also function as a defense mechanism. That is why we call it E-FISH-NET, a big (electronic) net that catches all of you and takes you hostage.

What is the solution?
To be more present, to do less things in more time, to be DIS(C)organized.
But how...

The 'lost' years of a couple's life occur after about 7-10 years: kids, mortgage, school, aging parents, careers, bills, chores, marriage is stable, annoying in-laws, holidays, boredom, fatigue, routine...

For most couples these years tend to feel 'comfortably numb' and are sometimes disrupted with a rude awakening in the form of an affair, medical or family drama. These naturally latent years sometimes lead coup...

"I know all there is to know about the crying game..." Boy George

Crying is a natural and organic way to express and release emotions.

Yet crying in relationship is not always easy: Some of us cry very often (over-crying) and some of us find it hard to cry at all (blocked cryers).
Both of these extremes have advantages and disadvantages, and both don't facilitate a healthy expression of feeling in relationships.

In this tal...

"If I can't see your selfishness, I can't believe your generosity." Betty Martin

Many of us  have a problem expressing our desires and wants in our intimate relationships.
Why?
For men, this can stem from psychological patriarchy that deems wanting, vulnerability or need as something negative.
For others, not wanting protects us from rejection or ridicule.

But if we don't express our wants, then we become bitter, and...

Are you a drama queen (or king)?
Are you in a relationship with a drama queen?
(Truth is that men are the real drama queens.)
If so, you probably know how draining and annoying it is interacting with such 'royalty'.

But the systemic truth is: You are encouraging them.
Yes, there is no drama queen/king without an audience.
Underneath such drama, there is usually a cry for attention or a 'love tank' that is empty.
Are you lo...

Most of us think that two is the most stable number in relationships.
But every dyad needs a third to stabilize it.
The process of including a third in a dyad is called triangulation.
Triangulation is a natural and unavoidable dynamic that occurs in every relationship.

The problems begin with the triangulation is fixed and rigid. It creates a 'lose-lose' dynamic that prevents all three members from raising differentiation and d...

Imagine all the human emotion would be spread out from 1 being deep despair, all the way to 10 being extreme ecstasy.
What would be your range?
Which numbers (feelings) are you less familiar with?
Many of us are 4-6'ers. We live "between the 40's", keeping it safe, functional but also somewhat numb.

In this talk, Galit and I talk about the natural 4-6 phenomenon and its impact on relationships through examples from ou...

Most of us believe criticism (or constructive feedback) more than praise.
Why? Because some of us grew up in homes where criticism was a way to show care.
Over time, this environment creates a core belief that "love = criticism".

Such a tendency leads to relationships fraught with conflict, cynicism, and sarcasm.

In this talk, Galit and Assael unpack this core belief and its effects through examples from their marriage and ...

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then...

Mothers and fathers feel different kinds of guilt regarding their parenting. Kids grow up fast and we have so many things to do all the time. Times are even more challenging during COVID lock-down.

The...

Do you secretly find it hard to feel and/or express joy in your personal life? Are you in a relationship with a joy killer?
If you do, then you're not alone!

In the past months, we have discovered that Assael has trouble expressing joy (can you say, a pessimist?), while for Galit joy is a natural and accessible resource (optimist, or as we call her a unicorn).

This sent Assael to family therapy with his parents to understand the...

Every couple has implicit power struggles in the different areas of their relationship (sex, money, parenting, looks, intelligence, and so on...).
We call this the 95/70 rule.
It has been our experience that this dynamic is inherently present and shapes the couples' mutual functioning.
One of the ways we have been renegotiating our  95/70 contract in the past year, is by having Galit join Assael's podcast.

Reflecting on our jou...

Many of us insist that feedback be precise or else they won't consider it.
Yet often this precision serves more as a block, a defense mechanism that prevents our growth.
In this talk, I share how people use precision as a sophisticated defense mechanism to keep them safe and prevent pain. Through examples from the clinic, I show the losses of this mechanism and how to allow yourself to "lower your standards" in order to a...