December 17, 2024 • 50 mins
In the journey of recovery, reaching Step Sixmarks a pivotal moment of transformation. This step, as we examine in our recent conversation between Spencer and Ufasaha Y, asks us to become “entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” It holds a promise of change through surrender and faith, allowing us to...
The post Transformation Begins in Step Six – 423 appeared first on The Recovery Show.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Step six to me was an invitationto do something that felt good.
I like the idea we read, instead we are reminded that weare in a partnership with a power greater than ourselves.
That idea that I'm not doing thisalone is very comforting to me.
(00:24):
Welcome to episode 423 of The Recovery Show.
This episode is brought to you by Shira,Jennifer, Cecilia, Rebecca, and Karen.
They used the donation button on our website.
Thank you Shira, Jennifer, Cecilia, Rebecca,and Karen for your generous contributions.
This episode is for you.
We are friends and family members of alcoholics andaddicts who have found a path to serenity and happiness.
(00:49):
We who live or have lived with the seemingly hopelessproblem of addiction understand as perhaps few others can.
So much depends on our own attitudes and webelieve that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Before we begin, we would like to state that in this showwe represent ourselves rather than any 12 step program.
During this show we will share our own experiences.
(01:11):
The opinions expressed here are strictlythose of the person who gave them.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
We hope that you will find something inour sharing that speaks to your life.
My name is Spencer.
I am your host today.
Joining me today is Ufasaha.
Welcome to The Recovery Show.
Today we're talking about step six, whichstates we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
(01:39):
And Ufasaha, you brought a reading from Drop the Rock,which is a book that some people may be familiar with, and some this may be their first introduction to it.
Thanks Spencer and very happy to be joining you today.
When I started Step 6, I didn't know quitewhat to make of it and my sponsor suggested I read Drop the Rock, which is a book from AA.
(02:05):
Page one at the bottom, it says step six tells us to relax.
We don't do it all alone.
Reflect.
We turn to our higher power with confidence.
Think of the relief that is waitingonce we become entirely ready.
It's like heading into a hot showerafter working at a grubby chore.
(02:26):
Feeling the dirt wash away is great.
We emerge refreshed and shining and readyto deal with whatever comes our way.
And then on page 2, surrender is usuallybrought up in the context of pain.
When our life is unmanageable andcausing pain, we must turn it over.
When we decide to turn our life and our willover to the care of God as we understand Him, we've opened the door to surrender.
(02:50):
In the third step, it is the decision that isthe key point, an active use of the will to turn it over, to align our will with God's.
In step 6, an even more active use of the will is required.
We must act as if it has already taken place.
We must have faith.
(03:11):
Too many who take the fifth step, make their confessionand look around wondering where the solution lies.
That last sentence, for me really highlights that,and this was true for me, that the real work of recovery for me started with steps six and seven.
(03:32):
One through three are making a foundation on which I canstart to look at myself, which is step four and five.
But six and seven are the beginning of changing,which is what recovery is about, right?
It's changing the way I live, to somethingthat I guess we could call it better, right?
(03:53):
Yes, exactly.
I found it really exhausting to do steps four and five.
I was pretty tired at that point and felt drained, sortof like, after running a marathon, and getting to step six was refreshing in a way where it felt like forgiveness.
(04:16):
To me,
Interesting.
I think I see what you're saying.
I don't know that I experienced that way myself.
I was blessed to have a very gentlesponsor, coming into Al Anon.
I think she, she came into my life for a reasonand very different from how I treated myself up until that point, she was very gentle.
(04:40):
Giving me this book, Drop the Rock, and recommending I readit, also felt like an act of gentleness and forgiveness.
And I really needed that.
I'm often very hard on myself perhaps whysteps four and five felt hard and difficult.
Yes, I could see that.
the title of the book, Drop the Rock, I think I wantto talk about that just a little bit, because the concept here, as I understand it, and I've heard this story related by other people in recovery,
(05:11):
that the story has to do with a group of people whoare on a boat, and I guess the boat is sinking, so they have to jump into the water and swim to shore.
And one of the people is holding this rock,which for some reason is really important to her.
And of course the rock is weighing her down inthe water and making it hard for her to swim.
And her friends keep shouting to her to drop therock, drop the rock, so you can swim to shore.
(05:36):
The symbolism may be obvious, but the symbolismis that the rock is us holding on to all of these, what Step 6 calls defects of character, these things that are part of our lives that are not helping us anymore, that are not working for us anymore.
And we need to drop those things.
And step six is about being willing to drop thatrock, to drop those things that are weighing us down.
(06:01):
So that's my understanding of why it's called drop the rock.
You know far more about thebackground of the title than I do.
that's great to learn and to hear.
for me, drop the rock is definitely about.
Laying down something that's heavy.
I think, again, coming out of steps four and five, Ifelt that I was defective, you know, listing all of those defects of character, recalling all of the ways that I had, potentially injured others and injured myself.
(06:41):
saying it out loud Having the disease ofperfectionism, as I do, I wanted to be cured of those.
I wanted them to be removed.
So for me, drop the rock doesn't necessarily mean, that.
God is removing these and they'renever going to come back, right?
(07:04):
Because that's not the reality of human nature.
We know that.
For me, it means I don't have to holdthem, but my higher power can hold them.
And if my higher power is holding them, and it's notweighing me down, I'll just be a little bit more okay.
(07:25):
Thank you.
I think at this point, I want to move into thestep six reading from the book, How Al Anon Works, which I view as our basic text of Al Anon.
So, just as the big book of AlcoholicsAnonymous is their basic text.
What I want to do here is read a paragraph and then weeach respond to that paragraph and move forward that way.
(07:47):
I'll start with the first one, which follows on to your,point about steps four and five, I think very well here.
In steps four and five, we uncovered aspects ofour lives and our personalities that needed change.
Most of us are uncomfortable with these aspects of ourselvesand want to get rid of them as quickly as possible.
But Step 6 says nothing about changing ourselvesor making our own defects of character go away.
(08:12):
In fact, this step points out that we are powerlessto remove our defects of character by ourselves.
Instead, we are reminded that we are in apartnership with a power greater than ourselves.
Our role in this partnership is to accept ourselves aswe are, flaws and all, and to become willing to let go of all that stands in the way of our health and growth.
(08:33):
No other action is required.
The rest is up to a power greater than ourselves.
I feel like you already said some of this,but what does this paragraph say to you?
You know, the powerlessness is a tricky concept for me.
It can be interpreted in my case, that Idon't have self determination or purpose.
(08:58):
But as I start thinking about it a little bit,
And we'll perhaps come to this a little later, isthis idea of surrender, and the idea of having faith.
It's very freeing not to have to do anything.
I can either be fearful of that concept,which I definitely carry a lot of fear, or I can embrace it and really relax into it.
(09:25):
I liked the idea of relaxing until I was brave enoughto actually try telling myself, okay, I didn't do the dishes last night, as an example, I have that often.
I'm not going to wake up to a swarmof pests or insects in my kitchen.
The whole house will not fall apart.
(09:48):
It's gonna be okay, and I'm not a bad person.
I don't practice bad hygiene either.
And the next morning, I wake up and everything is okay.
It's totally fine, and I feel good.
The more I practice that notion, the better I got.
the better my anxiety was.
(10:08):
I woke up to dirty dishes this morning too.
So there we are.
Yeah.
I guess what I see here is this reminder thatthese steps, some of them are bigger than others.
Some of them seem bigger than others.
but each step is there for a reason.
(10:30):
If I was going to be cynical, I would say, well, you know,Bill Wilson decided he needed 12, so he divided them up.
But, I've also heard that he was trying to make sure therewere no loopholes for any alcoholics to, to step through.
Separating the act of becoming ready from the actof actually taking action about my defects, makes.
(10:57):
It's a smaller step, basically, right?
It's not a great big step all at once, and I'm remindedof what happened when I was at the beginning of working the fourth step, and I immediately jumped to, I'm finding things that I did that might have harmed
somebody else, and I'm gonna have to make amends forthem, and I don't know how that's gonna happen, and my sponsor said, look, right now, just making a list.
(11:24):
Okay?
We're not anywhere near the point of makingamends, even deciding that you have to make amends.
We're just making a list of things.
I'm like, oh, okay.
And similarly here, I don't immediately have to gointo how is this gonna, how is my perfectionism, how is my procrastination, how am I going to deal with?
Okay.
(11:44):
I would like my perfectionism and myprocrastination to be removed or reduced, one or the other, somewhere in that range.
not something I have to decide right now.
I'm just ready to have change happen, you know?
You know what's beautiful how youput that, in terms of splitting it up.
The desire is there.
(12:07):
and gosh, what a great thing to desire.
Right?
no
I mean, I don't have to be scared of the step, actually.
Step six to me was an invitationto do something that felt good.
And I like the idea in this, sentence wherewe read, instead we are reminded that we are in a partnership with a power greater than ourselves.
(12:32):
That idea that I'm not doing this alone.
I think I suffer from the fear of beingalone, or actually being alone, that concept in my life has been paralyzing sometimes.
so this is very comforting to me.
Yeah.
Why don't you read the second paragraph?
(12:54):
In other words, in step six, welearn to, quote, let go and let God.
This means that we must once again learnto trust the God of our understanding to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
It isn't always easy because we know toomuch to remain comfortable with our defects.
As we catch ourselves acting themout, we don't like what we see.
(13:15):
We want to be proud of ourselves and feel atpeace with our behavior, yet we are increasingly embarrassed at what we find ourselves saying and doing.
These actions, attitudes, and habits do notreflect the person we are striving to become.
I see here a reflection back to step three, we mustonce again learn to trust the God of our understanding, which is the decision we made in Step 3, as actually was referred to in the reading from Drop the Rock also.
(13:45):
Having gone through Steps 4 and 5 and listedthese things out and said, Oh, wow, here are things that, that I don't like about myself.
hopefully we also found things thatwe like about ourselves, right?
Right, the assets.
In Al-Anon, we are also encouraged to look at our assetsas well as our defects but I don't know about you, it's a lot easier for me to kick myself than to pat myself.
(14:12):
it's a lot easier for me to beratemyself than to praise myself.
and so we get a little reminder here that.
Now I see these things because I pointedthem out to myself and now I see them.
And I want them to go away right now.
I need to do that by being ready to let go and let God.
Because I can't do it myself.
(14:32):
I have tried before to do it myself and Ithink the next paragraph touches on that.
We'll get to that in a minute what do you see here?
The first thing that came to mind, Spencer, wasmy critical inner voice, which is alive and well.
I try to take these concepts out of the, solitudeof the Al Anon program or any other 12 step program and see how it plays out in the world, in my day to day living with other people.
(15:05):
And this brings in a lot of the other people in mylife that I interact with, work, home, friends, you name it, someone I'm sitting next to on the train.
We all suffer the same way.
We all have the same fears.
and the same desires.
(15:25):
We all feel embarrassment.
We all feel pride.
We all have egos.
We're all trying to tame our ways.
When it says, as we catch ourselves actingthem out, we don't like what we see.
when I let go and let God, it alsoinvites me to be vulnerable, and soften.
(15:47):
And if I can express that with the people that I'm around,I see it reflected back to me, which is a beautiful thing, as opposed to holding on so tightly and trying to control, or overly apologize for our mistakes and mishaps.
But if I just laugh at myself and say,Oh God, I'm just so sorry I did that.
(16:10):
I can't believe I did that.
I usually get a reaction of, Oh, I totally understand.
That's okay.
As opposed to like, you're an idiot.
And I've never had anybody say that back to me.
Unless maybe it's like a sibling.
yeah.
When you're six, right.
But we're all adults, so I have to worry about that.
(16:32):
Except for my teenage daughter.
You're so right.
Oh, mom.
Okay.
I'm going to move on to the next paragraph.
At this point, many of us try once more to change ourselves.
For instance, if we have always been too busy focusingon everyone else's problems while ignoring our own, we might try to force ourselves to mind our own business.
(16:56):
We are often dismayed at how quickly our efforts fail.
Although enormous energy goes into focusingon ourselves, many of us feel that we continue to be preoccupied with other people's lives.
So, this whole thing about trying to change ourselves.
And I know how many times I said, okay, I'mnot going to do things this way anymore.
(17:19):
I'm going to do it that way.
I'm not going to be late to meetings anymore.
I'm going to be early and then, A day later, two dayslater, I find myself being late to meetings again.
Many, many times when I've tried to just forcechange on myself, I have not been successful.
(17:41):
So this sounds a little discouraging.
But, if we go back to the previous paragraph, whereit talks about let go and let God, trust the God of our understanding to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, that's the hope that's here in this step that's what this paragraph is saying to me.
It's like, yeah, you have tried, andmaybe it's time to try a different way.
(18:04):
That involves letting go.
Yeah, I love the concept that higher power or my Godwill not lead me somewhere that I'm not ready to go.
I don't know if I got that completelyright as a quote, but I love the concept.
(18:26):
This has helped me be more gentle with myself,to let go of my, OCD, hyper vigilant ways.
if I think back to my childhood, for example, my characterdefects were born out of coping in chaotic environments that were unpredictable and potentially unsafe.
(18:50):
So they served me well.
This is a very real concept alsoin ACA and other 12 step programs.
and I'm in ACA as well.
So while I have tried to force change, It's onlythrough working my program and through step six that I can step back and look at it very differently and say, no, it, it's okay that you did that.
(19:18):
I have a propensity to clean upbefore I take care of myself.
Like I, I might have to go to the bathroom,for example, and there's a mess on the floor.
So I'm at a crossroads where I have to decide, am I goingto go to the bathroom first or am I going to clean the mess?
Many times I've cleaned the mess first,
(19:39):
Now I can, through this program and through step six,I can clean the mess first, but not beat myself up for it, because I really needed to go to the bathroom.
But guess what?
Next time, I actually go to the bathroomfirst, and then it gets better every time.
(19:59):
Every time I'll go to the bathroom first more often.
So, it's slow, but I've seen the change, and that'swhat makes me confident that this makes sense.
I think that leads beautifully into the next paragraph.
Could you read?
Ah, yes.
Sometimes we have to try to make these changeson our own and fail before we can honestly say we're entirely ready for God's help.
(20:25):
After a lifetime of self sufficiency, mostof us need to be reminded that there are limits to what we can achieve without help.
Paradoxically, by accepting our limitations, wecan avail ourselves of unlimited possibilities.
With God's help, we can overcomeseemingly impossible obstacles.
Miracles can grace our lives, andserenity can take the place of despair.
(20:49):
Our defects of character can be blessings in disguise,because in order to be free of them, we must deepen our faith, and that spiritual depth will bless our lives.
Wow.
yeah.
What do you hear here?
Miracles jumps out at me.
When I first started Al Anon almost four and a half yearsago, the idea that a miracle was a real thing and not just this unicorn that we read about in the Bible, waters parting and everything, but little by little I could see them.
(21:29):
Something I just didn't expect to turn outthe way it did, and beautifully, and better than I expected, I call that a miracle.
They happen in small ways every day, every momentof the day, if I just make myself aware of them.
Yeah.
When I look at this paragraph, it starts out withwe have to try to make them on our own and fail, and it ends with, spiritual depth will bless our lives.
(21:55):
this is a paragraph abouttransformation, which is what we're.
aiming for, right?
We're aiming for transformation and it says thatthe help of our higher power is available to help us with that transformation, to provide those miracles.
(22:15):
The first miracle that I recognize.
Well the first miracle might be being able to somewhatlet go of the obsession with my loved ones drinking, but.
The one that really stands out for me is the wayin which, when I came to the Al Anon program, I was a person who was full of anger, full of rage that just exploded on the people around me.
(22:41):
Within six months of starting to work thisprogram, and at that point I might have gotten through step three in my step work.
I did start pretty quickly when Icame in because I was desperate.
The rage was gone.
that was not something that Ihad ever been able to do myself.
(23:03):
How many times had I apologized for yelling.
I won't do it again.
And of course I did it again, becauseI didn't have the power to stop.
I didn't have the power to make that change.
And, that miracle happened.
Which really, reinforced that there was someother power working in my life, whatever it was.
(23:25):
And I'm like, I don't know what this power is, but I'msure glad that there is this power that is greater than me that can effect change in me that I can't do by myself.
it's just right there.
I failed to not rage for years before I cameto Al Anon and within six months it was gone.
(23:45):
And wow.
Serenity took a little bit longer, but that alsohappened, I was in despair when I got here and in less than a year, I had experiences of Serenity in the middle of the chaos of active alcoholism.
That was another miracle.
So, this paragraph captures my own experience, very well.
(24:08):
Thank you
for
reading it.
That's perfect.
I love the word transformation, Spencer, and I lovethat Al Anon teaches us progress, not perfection.
I certainly needed those slogans and those ideas.
I have a bit of the opposite.
but just as impactful around not beingable to recognize my anger and turning everything inward and turning in on myself.
(24:37):
It was there for sure.
So I definitely learned what anger felt likeand that it was safe and okay to have it.
Expressing it is another deal altogether, of course.
I had more of a softening.
especially around my loved ones.
I married an addict.
(25:00):
And right around the time that Ifound Al Anon, he was newly sober.
After using for 30 years in our entire marriage.
so started going NA, which I was very happy for himabout, but it really turned our marriage upside down.
I know it's lovely to wish for our loved ones to be sober,but you know the saying, be careful what you wish for.
(25:27):
Yeah, no kidding.
I had a lot of softening to do and I also had to lookat myself and, accepting our limitations as it says here, can avail ourselves of unlimited possibilities.
I used to think of him as the defective one.
I was great.
He was one with the problem.
(25:49):
yes.
But there was a nagging question.
Why did I marry him?
What was wrong with me?
And that's what I have been slowlyuntangling, through working my program.
You know what this reading doesn'ttalk about ? I just realized.
(26:10):
The two words in step six that are the hardest for me.
Entirely and all.
Kind of absolute, aren't they?
They are absolute.
and what I have to recognize in being able to move pastthis step, is what you said, progress, not perfection.
That I'm going to become ready to have asmany as possible of these defects removed.
(26:38):
and recognize that I'm going to do this more than once.
My wife was recently talking about a change that she wantsto make in her life, and that she's making small steps towards, but she says, I'm not even ready to pray for the willingness to be willing to make this particular change.
That's perfect.
(27:00):
but she is able to say, I know I need to, at somepoint, I want to make this change, I'm just not ready.
And I think sometimes recognizing that we'renot ready is giving ourselves some grace.
Absolutely.
Look, my sister asked me the other day inreference to seeing a therapist, when do you know you don't have to see them anymore?
(27:24):
And you're done.
And I told her, I'm going to give youthe long answer to that question for me.
But we see how long this process can taketo even start showing those small results.
I have come to believe that I will domy step six again and again and again.
(27:50):
I think this is a lifetime journey.
I don't think that there's any arriving.
I don't even know it says entirely ready to have all.
These are some tricky words, right?
Ready to have, it doesn't say that God isgoing to remove all my defects of character.
So it's not absolute in thatway and that is not the promise.
(28:15):
Yeah.
I think those two words go back to thisidea of not leaving loopholes for alcoholics to slip through, or any of us, really.
A recognition that it's a package deal.
We are all of who we are, and that to want change,to ask for change, to hope for change, we have to recognize that we might end up changing more than just the one or two things that we really want to get rid of,
(28:45):
and that would be beautiful.
That's another miracle.
There are awarenesses around every cornerand doing this work starts to open up.
I have blind spots.
I know I have blind spots.
I don't know what they are.
That's why they're
blind.
There are lots of hidden gems there.
(29:07):
and it won't be easy for sure, but how exciting.
I can chuckle and laugh about that with you at the moment.
I might be crying tomorrow morning.
Progress.
All right, this is a short section.
It's the last paragraph.
Our strength lies in accepting our role in ourrelationship with God and trusting that a higher power will play a significant role as well.
(29:33):
No longer must we struggle alone, attempting the impossible.
We need only to let go and let God.
At this point, you also brought a reading fromCourage to Change that I think speaks to letting go and letting God in a slightly different way.
Could you read that for me?
This is from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon 2, which is one of our daily readers on October 9th.
(30:01):
It says,
I used to think of God as my adversary.
We were engaged in a battle of willsand I wasn't about to let down my guard.
You can imagine how quickly this attitudeled me to hit a hard emotional bottom.
I came to Al Anon, but I was reluctantto admit that I was powerless.
I knew it was true.
(30:21):
I had obviously failed to conquer alcoholism,but I wasn't going to submit to my enemy.
I'm so grateful to Al Anon forhelping me learn to surrender.
It took a long time, but I finally realizedthat surrender does not mean submission.
It means I'm willing to stop fighting reality,to stop trying to do God's part and to do my own.
(30:43):
When I gather flowers or marvel at nature's wonders, Ido not lose face when I can see that I am not in control.
So it is with everything in my life.
The best way I've found to invite serenity isto recognize that the world is in good hands.
Today's reminder, today I can be grateful that theearth will continue to revolve without any help from me.
(31:06):
I am free to live my own life, safe in theknowledge that a higher power is taking care of the world, my loved ones, and myself.
Yeah.
I find in the middle of this, this keythat surrender does not mean submission.
I'm willing to stop fighting reality.
How long did I fight reality?
(31:28):
Oh my goodness.
when I came into the program and I startedhearing some things, the first slogan that I picked up was let go and let God.
That is the first step in many of the steps, andin step six, I'm letting go of my attachment to these things that at some point in my life might've been, survival traits, but are now not working for me.
(31:57):
I'm letting go of my attachment to those andletting my higher power do what needs to happen.
So that they're no longer negatives in my life,
?Yes.
I've learned so much through this program and reading textslike these, Surrender Does Not Mean Submission, was huge.
(32:20):
It doesn't mean I'm a failure just because I acceptreality and it wasn't what I was taught like there's a lot of Undoing the things that I was taught growing up.
That's big work It's very big work toundo to demystify what's ingrained in us.
(32:43):
I was taught everything opposite to step sixeven in some parts of my family where they go to church regularly and there's a big strong belief in God, but there's a lot of control in there.
I also love the part about marveling at nature's wonders.
You know, birds, they just do.
(33:06):
They build the nest.
How, how, there is no manual.
It's not perfect.
The nest might fall apart in a big storm.
They just build it again.
There's a lot we can learn there, I think.
Yeah, and I don't have to tell the bird how to build
its nest either.
No.
I might try, but I'm not going to succeed.
(33:28):
Very true.
because nature and that bird's higherpower is strongly at work there.
So let go and let God.
I think that is a great place to, to close our conversation.
Thank you.
Ufasaha, for bringing these two extra readings,and bringing, you know, your experience, strength and hope here has opened some things for me.
(33:50):
So thank you.
My pleasure.
Thank you.
And in a little bit, we'll move on totalking about our lives and recovery.
But first, you brought music.
I love it when people bring music, becauseI get to sometimes experience music.
I'm not at all familiar with.
So what's the first song that you brought for
Yes.
Jordan Rakai, a fairly young artist that I really enjoy.
(34:14):
His song is called Learning.
I love the inspiration that Jordan speaks of in this song,in the chorus he sings, If my head gets sore, it feels easy to run away from the rest of the world with my secrets.
When my knees get tired, I'm still searchingfor space right here in between the lines.
(34:35):
For the learning, space is here for the learning.
Give it up.
Give it up.
So that's what step six means to me.
I'm learning to let go and lay down mytroubles and agonizing over my coping mechanisms that keep me stuck in suffering.
(34:59):
In this section of the podcast, wetalk about our lives in recovery.
How have we experienced recovery recently?
I had surgery a few days ago.
This is something that I've been thinkingabout for a while and decided to go ahead with.
Totally voluntary, but it's a qualityof life improvement, in the long run.
In the short run, it is not a quality of lifeimprovement, but that's the way things are when you're making change sometimes, you know, it's uncomfortable for a little while and then it gets better.
(35:29):
I had a recovery period in the hospital after the surgeryand there was another man in the same room, who had the same surgery and my wife said, he sounds like he's got a lot of anxiety about, You know, what's happening, what's coming next, how he's recovering, and so on.
And she said, and you don't.
(35:50):
And I was like, yeah, this is what's happening.
I was not anxious about the outcome.
I was not anxious about how my body was acting orreacting, what kind of progress I was making or not making, what was going to happen when I went home.
I wasn't being unrealistic about it.
I didn't have this view thateverything's going to be wonderful.
(36:12):
And, I just had this acceptance of whatwas happening was what was happening.
This is what had to happen at that moment.
I don't know that I would have been able to do thatwithout the grounding, the centering that has come from, accepting a higher power into my life, accepting that sometimes I don't have control over the way things are.
(36:42):
and that when stuff happens in my life, they may not go theway I want them to necessarily, but I've always been okay.
I might not have been completely happy, but I've been okay.
and, having had that happen inmany different parts of my life.
And.
Practicing acceptance in this program, justmade the whole experience unstressful.
(37:07):
I think that's the best way to put it.
You know, I was not stressed about it.
I wasn't comfortable.
very much was not comfortable,but I was not stressed about it.
And that makes the discomfort so much easier.
Yeah.
So that's my recent experience of how what I learned inrecovery expressed itself in my life in the last few days.
(37:29):
And in the next few weeks when, the things that I cando are limited by not wanting to re injure myself.
How's recovery working in your life recently?
Ufasaha.
yeah.
Thank you for sharing that, Spencer.
that's big.
surgeries are big.
There's a lot of emotion that goes on there.
as well as in our bodies.
(37:51):
and I hope you have a smooth whole recovery.
in my life, I would like to believe that I'm taking life'sturns with more grace, that my gripping has lessened.
I'm a notorious gripper and control freak.
And again, that's how I was taught that I needed tobe hyper vigilant to achieve, to be a good citizen, to be a good daughter, wife, mother, et cetera.
(38:22):
and I've stopped doing a lot of that because that iscounterproductive to what I'm learning here in my program.
I am in the midst of a number of majortransformations and transitions in my life.
I talked about.
My marriage earlier, I'm in the process ofgetting a divorce after 22 years of marriage.
(38:46):
I have a teenage daughter who will be going offto college next year, I have a sister who has been living with me somewhat temporarily because she is going through some transitions herself.
So all of these things perhaps in the past would have rockedmy world, in multiple ways and have sent me off reeling and exhibiting many of my character defects in full color.
(39:16):
But I have found some great tools that Ipractice that keep me centered in a way that takes care of where I need to be taken care of.
I meditate every morning.
I've changed my whole morning routine.
So before I start my daily work, I haveabout two and a half hours to myself.
(39:40):
And I meditate and I read and I journal.
I do some exercise.
I take a bath.
And that's how I've started mydays now for the last few years.
And it has transformed my center, it is carved out timewhere I can talk to God or I can listen for their answer and proceed with my day, identify my feelings, let go of things that I don't need to carry in my day and in those moments.
(40:13):
And it's done worlds to reduce my anxiety.
and I know everything is going to be okay.
Thank you so much.,
Looking forward in the podcast, what we haveupcoming is, we'll be looking at more steps.
We got seven, eight, nine, et cetera, still to go.
we welcome your thoughts, your experience,strength, and hope, please join our conversation.
(40:37):
You can leave a voicemail or send us anemail with your feedback or your questions.
Ufasaha, how can people do that?
How can they send us feedback?
You can send a voice memo or email toquote feedback at the recovery dot show.
Or if you prefer, you can call andleave us a voicemail at 734 707 8795.
(41:02):
You can also use the voicemail button on thewebsite to join the conversation from your computer.
We'd love to hear from you.
Share your experience, strength, and hope, oryour questions about today's topic of Step 6 or any of our upcoming topics, including more steps.
If you have a topic you'd like to talk about, let us know.
(41:23):
If you would like advance notice for some ofour topics so that you can contribute to that topic, you can sign up for our mailing list by sending an email to feedback at the recovery show.
quote email in the subject line to make it easier to spot.
Our website is therecovery.
(41:44):
show, where we have all the information aboutthe podcast, including notes for each episode.
I would say mostly notes for each episode.
There are links in the notes for the episodeto the books that we read from or mentioned, videos for the music that Ufasaha chose, and some links to other Recovery podcasts and websites.
(42:08):
at this point, we come up to our next song.
What do we have here?
my second song pick for step six is called Better byMalika Tirolien, I'm not quite sure how to pronounce her name correctly, but I hope I did some justice.
(42:28):
so I feel like this song personifieswhat's on the other side of step six.
It says, quote, so simple, so easy.
It all comes so naturally.
Once you rewire the light that shines insideof you, you're born to find your peace of mind.
Your life is yours to design onceyou rewire the divine inside of you.
(42:54):
I like that.
Once you rewire the light that shines insideof you, which is also the divine, yes.
Ooh, I'm going to have to go listen to these songs,
Let me know what you think, Spencer.
Yeah.
(43:15):
I'm going to start the feedback section with a sharefrom Mark McP about his experience with step six.
He writes, thinking back to my own experiencewith the steps years ago now, I tried to recall how step six felt to me then.
I had to remind myself not to overthink or betoo critical of myself and my imperfections.
(43:38):
So I pulled up the twelve steps and read and thought.
through them There was a real sense of momentum,if not quite progress, as I was then able to see it.
And a feeling that this middlestep might be a turning point.
Something momentous.
Something about to change.
The funny thing is that just reading step 6 today, wereentirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, brought that old flood of fear right back.
(44:04):
Why was I then?
Why am I still today frightened by the prospectof having my character defects removed?
My persistent fear response suggeststhat I wasn't, quote, entirely ready.
There's a great old song by The Replacements, Nevermind,where Paul Westerberg sings I'm not ready as I'll ever be and I suppose your guess is more or less as bad as mine.
(44:27):
That whole song should be the soundtrack for mysteps and my willful need to frame and articulate things of the spirit in words that gratify my ego.
Sometimes you have to do things, even whenthey are not precisely clear in your mind.
I suppose a part of me thinks that if youtake away my faults, I'll be hollowed out and empty, left with too big a void to fill.
(44:49):
So, to even haltingly take step six, I haveto return to my step four inventory and to those positive marks in my personal ledger.
And to step three and trust to my higher powerto fill in for my deficits with positive change.
Thanks as always for your serviceand hope you have a peaceful holiday.
Mark McP.
(45:10):
Thank you, Mark.
Thank you for that.
I got a voicemail from MJ who called in fromher car and the audio was very broken up.
So, I'm going to read the transcription of what she said.
And apologize for not being able to put your voice here.
Hi, my name is MJ.
Hopefully you can hear me okay.
(45:32):
I'm calling in from my car, where Ilisten to this podcast every single day.
I started from the very beginning, so Ifeel like I'm still kind of back in time.
I've made it up through May 2013.
I know, obviously, there's a lot to go.
I've really been enjoying the podcast so much so far.
I had a question, which was, I've been really interestedin finding information in conference approved literature and in this podcast about dealing with people's judgment, society's judgment, about the disease of alcoholism
(46:01):
and how to manage the opinion of those around us aboutour decision in regards to our qualifiers or in regards to ourselves from people who are not in Al Anon.
I've looked through the podcast archive.
I'm sure you have covered this.
So if you wouldn't mind pointing me in thedirection of any episodes on this topic or any chapters in the literature, I'd be very grateful.
(46:21):
Thank you so much.
Well, I don't think that's actuallya topic that we've covered.
Which is kind of interesting to me.
Why is this not something that, that we've talked about.
About how we deal with people in our lives whohave preconceived notions and judgment about alcoholism, about alcoholics, and maybe about like, why are you staying with that jerk?
(46:47):
Or whatever the question might be.
You ask about managing the opinion of those around us.
One of the fundamental things that I have learned in AlAnon recovery is that I cannot manage the people around me.
I certainly cannot manage theopinions of the people around me.
(47:08):
But what has happened is that I don't care.
That may be a little strong.
I think I do care, I know how Iused to think about alcoholism.
Yeah, that has changed a lot.
If it really matters to me, if there's somebodyI'm in close relationship with in some way, I can express my current understanding.
(47:30):
And then I have to let go of it.
Because their opinion is their opinion.
And it's just like dealing with anybody in mylife who has a different opinion than me about politics, about the way life should run, whatever.
The only thing I can manage is theway I respond to or react to that.
(47:51):
And how that makes me feel.
The saying, do you want to beright or do you want to be happy?
I think to some extent applies here.
I can try to convince somebody to change their mind,
probably without success, and it'sjust going to make me unhappy.
Or I can say I disagree with you about that.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
(48:13):
And move on.
I think the support that I found in Al Anon Recovery helpedme to stop feeling shameful about my loved one's alcoholism.
And that made the things that people said,it helped to make those less hurtful.
That's what I've got to say.
(48:33):
What do you think you who are listening rightnow, is this something that you have dealt with, are dealing with, want to know how to deal with?
Let's hear from you.
Thanks.
Ufasaha, I want to thank you again, for joiningme today for our conversation about step six.
I really enjoyed our conversation.
(48:54):
Same here, Spencer.
your podcast is been a very importantpart of my life and my program.
And I'm very honored to spend this time withyou and go deeper into this topic with you.
(49:14):
Thank you.
and what is our third song here?
The song is called Sunshine by Salt.
S A U L T.
So I love the play on words in this song.
Sun, spelled S O N, which represents sun, S U N.
(49:35):
And the artist says, Let the sunshine shine on me.
Let the sunshine shine on me.
I think that God's crying when it rains.
Let the sunshine shine through my pain.
Sun will rise.
(49:55):
Thank you for listening and please keep coming back.
Whatever your problems, there arethose among us who have had them too.
If we did not talk about a problem you arefacing today, feel free to contact us so we can talk about it in a future episode.
May understanding, love, and peacegrow in you one day at a time.
Step six to me was an invitationto do something that felt good.
I like the idea we read, instead we are reminded that weare in a partnership with a power greater than ourselves.
That idea that I'm not doing thisalone is very comforting to me.
(00:24):
Welcome to episode 423 of The Recovery Show.
This episode is brought to you by Shira,Jennifer, Cecilia, Rebecca, and Karen.
They used the donation button on our website.
Thank you Shira, Jennifer, Cecilia, Rebecca,and Karen for your generous contributions.
This episode is for you.
We are friends and family members of alcoholics andaddicts who have found a path to serenity and happiness.
(00:49):
We who live or have lived with the seemingly hopelessproblem of addiction understand as perhaps few others can.
So much depends on our own attitudes and webelieve that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Before we begin, we would like to state that in this showwe represent ourselves rather than any 12 step program.
During this show we will share our own experiences.
(01:11):
The opinions expressed here are strictlythose of the person who gave them.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
We hope that you will find something inour sharing that speaks to your life.
My name is Spencer.
I am your host today.
Joining me today is Ufasaha.
Welcome to The Recovery Show.
Today we're talking about step six, whichstates we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
(01:39):
And Ufasaha, you brought a reading from Drop the Rock,which is a book that some people may be familiar with, and some this may be their first introduction to it.
Thanks Spencer and very happy to be joining you today.
When I started Step 6, I didn't know quitewhat to make of it and my sponsor suggested I read Drop the Rock, which is a book from AA.
(02:05):
Page one at the bottom, it says step six tells us to relax.
We don't do it all alone.
Reflect.
We turn to our higher power with confidence.
Think of the relief that is waitingonce we become entirely ready.
It's like heading into a hot showerafter working at a grubby chore.
(02:26):
Feeling the dirt wash away is great.
We emerge refreshed and shining and readyto deal with whatever comes our way.
And then on page 2, surrender is usuallybrought up in the context of pain.
When our life is unmanageable andcausing pain, we must turn it over.
When we decide to turn our life and our willover to the care of God as we understand Him, we've opened the door to surrender.
(02:50):
In the third step, it is the decision that isthe key point, an active use of the will to turn it over, to align our will with God's.
In step 6, an even more active use of the will is required.
We must act as if it has already taken place.
We must have faith.
(03:11):
Too many who take the fifth step, make their confessionand look around wondering where the solution lies.
That last sentence, for me really highlights that,and this was true for me, that the real work of recovery for me started with steps six and seven.
(03:32):
One through three are making a foundation on which I canstart to look at myself, which is step four and five.
But six and seven are the beginning of changing,which is what recovery is about, right?
It's changing the way I live, to somethingthat I guess we could call it better, right?
(03:53):
Yes, exactly.
I found it really exhausting to do steps four and five.
I was pretty tired at that point and felt drained, sortof like, after running a marathon, and getting to step six was refreshing in a way where it felt like forgiveness.
(04:16):
To me,
Interesting.
I think I see what you're saying.
I don't know that I experienced that way myself.
I was blessed to have a very gentlesponsor, coming into Al Anon.
I think she, she came into my life for a reasonand very different from how I treated myself up until that point, she was very gentle.
(04:40):
Giving me this book, Drop the Rock, and recommending I readit, also felt like an act of gentleness and forgiveness.
And I really needed that.
I'm often very hard on myself perhaps whysteps four and five felt hard and difficult.
Yes, I could see that.
the title of the book, Drop the Rock, I think I wantto talk about that just a little bit, because the concept here, as I understand it, and I've heard this story related by other people in recovery,
(05:11):
that the story has to do with a group of people whoare on a boat, and I guess the boat is sinking, so they have to jump into the water and swim to shore.
And one of the people is holding this rock,which for some reason is really important to her.
And of course the rock is weighing her down inthe water and making it hard for her to swim.
And her friends keep shouting to her to drop therock, drop the rock, so you can swim to shore.
(05:36):
The symbolism may be obvious, but the symbolismis that the rock is us holding on to all of these, what Step 6 calls defects of character, these things that are part of our lives that are not helping us anymore, that are not working for us anymore.
And we need to drop those things.
And step six is about being willing to drop thatrock, to drop those things that are weighing us down.
(06:01):
So that's my understanding of why it's called drop the rock.
You know far more about thebackground of the title than I do.
that's great to learn and to hear.
for me, drop the rock is definitely about.
Laying down something that's heavy.
I think, again, coming out of steps four and five, Ifelt that I was defective, you know, listing all of those defects of character, recalling all of the ways that I had, potentially injured others and injured myself.
(06:41):
saying it out loud Having the disease ofperfectionism, as I do, I wanted to be cured of those.
I wanted them to be removed.
So for me, drop the rock doesn't necessarily mean, that.
God is removing these and they'renever going to come back, right?
(07:04):
Because that's not the reality of human nature.
We know that.
For me, it means I don't have to holdthem, but my higher power can hold them.
And if my higher power is holding them, and it's notweighing me down, I'll just be a little bit more okay.
(07:25):
Thank you.
I think at this point, I want to move into thestep six reading from the book, How Al Anon Works, which I view as our basic text of Al Anon.
So, just as the big book of AlcoholicsAnonymous is their basic text.
What I want to do here is read a paragraph and then weeach respond to that paragraph and move forward that way.
(07:47):
I'll start with the first one, which follows on to your,point about steps four and five, I think very well here.
In steps four and five, we uncovered aspects ofour lives and our personalities that needed change.
Most of us are uncomfortable with these aspects of ourselvesand want to get rid of them as quickly as possible.
But Step 6 says nothing about changing ourselvesor making our own defects of character go away.
(08:12):
In fact, this step points out that we are powerlessto remove our defects of character by ourselves.
Instead, we are reminded that we are in apartnership with a power greater than ourselves.
Our role in this partnership is to accept ourselves aswe are, flaws and all, and to become willing to let go of all that stands in the way of our health and growth.
(08:33):
No other action is required.
The rest is up to a power greater than ourselves.
I feel like you already said some of this,but what does this paragraph say to you?
You know, the powerlessness is a tricky concept for me.
It can be interpreted in my case, that Idon't have self determination or purpose.
(08:58):
But as I start thinking about it a little bit,
And we'll perhaps come to this a little later, isthis idea of surrender, and the idea of having faith.
It's very freeing not to have to do anything.
I can either be fearful of that concept,which I definitely carry a lot of fear, or I can embrace it and really relax into it.
(09:25):
I liked the idea of relaxing until I was brave enoughto actually try telling myself, okay, I didn't do the dishes last night, as an example, I have that often.
I'm not going to wake up to a swarmof pests or insects in my kitchen.
The whole house will not fall apart.
(09:48):
It's gonna be okay, and I'm not a bad person.
I don't practice bad hygiene either.
And the next morning, I wake up and everything is okay.
It's totally fine, and I feel good.
The more I practice that notion, the better I got.
the better my anxiety was.
(10:08):
I woke up to dirty dishes this morning too.
So there we are.
Yeah.
I guess what I see here is this reminder thatthese steps, some of them are bigger than others.
Some of them seem bigger than others.
but each step is there for a reason.
(10:30):
If I was going to be cynical, I would say, well, you know,Bill Wilson decided he needed 12, so he divided them up.
But, I've also heard that he was trying to make sure therewere no loopholes for any alcoholics to, to step through.
Separating the act of becoming ready from the actof actually taking action about my defects, makes.
(10:57):
It's a smaller step, basically, right?
It's not a great big step all at once, and I'm remindedof what happened when I was at the beginning of working the fourth step, and I immediately jumped to, I'm finding things that I did that might have harmed
somebody else, and I'm gonna have to make amends forthem, and I don't know how that's gonna happen, and my sponsor said, look, right now, just making a list.
(11:24):
Okay?
We're not anywhere near the point of makingamends, even deciding that you have to make amends.
We're just making a list of things.
I'm like, oh, okay.
And similarly here, I don't immediately have to gointo how is this gonna, how is my perfectionism, how is my procrastination, how am I going to deal with?
Okay.
(11:44):
I would like my perfectionism and myprocrastination to be removed or reduced, one or the other, somewhere in that range.
not something I have to decide right now.
I'm just ready to have change happen, you know?
You know what's beautiful how youput that, in terms of splitting it up.
The desire is there.
(12:07):
and gosh, what a great thing to desire.
Right?
no
I mean, I don't have to be scared of the step, actually.
Step six to me was an invitationto do something that felt good.
And I like the idea in this, sentence wherewe read, instead we are reminded that we are in a partnership with a power greater than ourselves.
(12:32):
That idea that I'm not doing this alone.
I think I suffer from the fear of beingalone, or actually being alone, that concept in my life has been paralyzing sometimes.
so this is very comforting to me.
Yeah.
Why don't you read the second paragraph?
(12:54):
In other words, in step six, welearn to, quote, let go and let God.
This means that we must once again learnto trust the God of our understanding to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
It isn't always easy because we know toomuch to remain comfortable with our defects.
As we catch ourselves acting themout, we don't like what we see.
(13:15):
We want to be proud of ourselves and feel atpeace with our behavior, yet we are increasingly embarrassed at what we find ourselves saying and doing.
These actions, attitudes, and habits do notreflect the person we are striving to become.
I see here a reflection back to step three, we mustonce again learn to trust the God of our understanding, which is the decision we made in Step 3, as actually was referred to in the reading from Drop the Rock also.
(13:45):
Having gone through Steps 4 and 5 and listedthese things out and said, Oh, wow, here are things that, that I don't like about myself.
hopefully we also found things thatwe like about ourselves, right?
Right, the assets.
In Al-Anon, we are also encouraged to look at our assetsas well as our defects but I don't know about you, it's a lot easier for me to kick myself than to pat myself.
(14:12):
it's a lot easier for me to beratemyself than to praise myself.
and so we get a little reminder here that.
Now I see these things because I pointedthem out to myself and now I see them.
And I want them to go away right now.
I need to do that by being ready to let go and let God.
Because I can't do it myself.
(14:32):
I have tried before to do it myself and Ithink the next paragraph touches on that.
We'll get to that in a minute what do you see here?
The first thing that came to mind, Spencer, wasmy critical inner voice, which is alive and well.
I try to take these concepts out of the, solitudeof the Al Anon program or any other 12 step program and see how it plays out in the world, in my day to day living with other people.
(15:05):
And this brings in a lot of the other people in mylife that I interact with, work, home, friends, you name it, someone I'm sitting next to on the train.
We all suffer the same way.
We all have the same fears.
and the same desires.
(15:25):
We all feel embarrassment.
We all feel pride.
We all have egos.
We're all trying to tame our ways.
When it says, as we catch ourselves actingthem out, we don't like what we see.
when I let go and let God, it alsoinvites me to be vulnerable, and soften.
(15:47):
And if I can express that with the people that I'm around,I see it reflected back to me, which is a beautiful thing, as opposed to holding on so tightly and trying to control, or overly apologize for our mistakes and mishaps.
But if I just laugh at myself and say,Oh God, I'm just so sorry I did that.
(16:10):
I can't believe I did that.
I usually get a reaction of, Oh, I totally understand.
That's okay.
As opposed to like, you're an idiot.
And I've never had anybody say that back to me.
Unless maybe it's like a sibling.
yeah.
When you're six, right.
But we're all adults, so I have to worry about that.
(16:32):
Except for my teenage daughter.
You're so right.
Oh, mom.
Okay.
I'm going to move on to the next paragraph.
At this point, many of us try once more to change ourselves.
For instance, if we have always been too busy focusingon everyone else's problems while ignoring our own, we might try to force ourselves to mind our own business.
(16:56):
We are often dismayed at how quickly our efforts fail.
Although enormous energy goes into focusingon ourselves, many of us feel that we continue to be preoccupied with other people's lives.
So, this whole thing about trying to change ourselves.
And I know how many times I said, okay, I'mnot going to do things this way anymore.
(17:19):
I'm going to do it that way.
I'm not going to be late to meetings anymore.
I'm going to be early and then, A day later, two dayslater, I find myself being late to meetings again.
Many, many times when I've tried to just forcechange on myself, I have not been successful.
(17:41):
So this sounds a little discouraging.
But, if we go back to the previous paragraph, whereit talks about let go and let God, trust the God of our understanding to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, that's the hope that's here in this step that's what this paragraph is saying to me.
It's like, yeah, you have tried, andmaybe it's time to try a different way.
(18:04):
That involves letting go.
Yeah, I love the concept that higher power or my Godwill not lead me somewhere that I'm not ready to go.
I don't know if I got that completelyright as a quote, but I love the concept.
(18:26):
This has helped me be more gentle with myself,to let go of my, OCD, hyper vigilant ways.
if I think back to my childhood, for example, my characterdefects were born out of coping in chaotic environments that were unpredictable and potentially unsafe.
(18:50):
So they served me well.
This is a very real concept alsoin ACA and other 12 step programs.
and I'm in ACA as well.
So while I have tried to force change, It's onlythrough working my program and through step six that I can step back and look at it very differently and say, no, it, it's okay that you did that.
(19:18):
I have a propensity to clean upbefore I take care of myself.
Like I, I might have to go to the bathroom,for example, and there's a mess on the floor.
So I'm at a crossroads where I have to decide, am I goingto go to the bathroom first or am I going to clean the mess?
Many times I've cleaned the mess first,
(19:39):
Now I can, through this program and through step six,I can clean the mess first, but not beat myself up for it, because I really needed to go to the bathroom.
But guess what?
Next time, I actually go to the bathroomfirst, and then it gets better every time.
(19:59):
Every time I'll go to the bathroom first more often.
So, it's slow, but I've seen the change, and that'swhat makes me confident that this makes sense.
I think that leads beautifully into the next paragraph.
Could you read?
Ah, yes.
Sometimes we have to try to make these changeson our own and fail before we can honestly say we're entirely ready for God's help.
(20:25):
After a lifetime of self sufficiency, mostof us need to be reminded that there are limits to what we can achieve without help.
Paradoxically, by accepting our limitations, wecan avail ourselves of unlimited possibilities.
With God's help, we can overcomeseemingly impossible obstacles.
Miracles can grace our lives, andserenity can take the place of despair.
(20:49):
Our defects of character can be blessings in disguise,because in order to be free of them, we must deepen our faith, and that spiritual depth will bless our lives.
Wow.
yeah.
What do you hear here?
Miracles jumps out at me.
When I first started Al Anon almost four and a half yearsago, the idea that a miracle was a real thing and not just this unicorn that we read about in the Bible, waters parting and everything, but little by little I could see them.
(21:29):
Something I just didn't expect to turn outthe way it did, and beautifully, and better than I expected, I call that a miracle.
They happen in small ways every day, every momentof the day, if I just make myself aware of them.
Yeah.
When I look at this paragraph, it starts out withwe have to try to make them on our own and fail, and it ends with, spiritual depth will bless our lives.
(21:55):
this is a paragraph abouttransformation, which is what we're.
aiming for, right?
We're aiming for transformation and it says thatthe help of our higher power is available to help us with that transformation, to provide those miracles.
(22:15):
The first miracle that I recognize.
Well the first miracle might be being able to somewhatlet go of the obsession with my loved ones drinking, but.
The one that really stands out for me is the wayin which, when I came to the Al Anon program, I was a person who was full of anger, full of rage that just exploded on the people around me.
(22:41):
Within six months of starting to work thisprogram, and at that point I might have gotten through step three in my step work.
I did start pretty quickly when Icame in because I was desperate.
The rage was gone.
that was not something that Ihad ever been able to do myself.
(23:03):
How many times had I apologized for yelling.
I won't do it again.
And of course I did it again, becauseI didn't have the power to stop.
I didn't have the power to make that change.
And, that miracle happened.
Which really, reinforced that there was someother power working in my life, whatever it was.
(23:25):
And I'm like, I don't know what this power is, but I'msure glad that there is this power that is greater than me that can effect change in me that I can't do by myself.
it's just right there.
I failed to not rage for years before I cameto Al Anon and within six months it was gone.
(23:45):
And wow.
Serenity took a little bit longer, but that alsohappened, I was in despair when I got here and in less than a year, I had experiences of Serenity in the middle of the chaos of active alcoholism.
That was another miracle.
So, this paragraph captures my own experience, very well.
(24:08):
Thank you
for
reading it.
That's perfect.
I love the word transformation, Spencer, and I lovethat Al Anon teaches us progress, not perfection.
I certainly needed those slogans and those ideas.
I have a bit of the opposite.
but just as impactful around not beingable to recognize my anger and turning everything inward and turning in on myself.
(24:37):
It was there for sure.
So I definitely learned what anger felt likeand that it was safe and okay to have it.
Expressing it is another deal altogether, of course.
I had more of a softening.
especially around my loved ones.
I married an addict.
(25:00):
And right around the time that Ifound Al Anon, he was newly sober.
After using for 30 years in our entire marriage.
so started going NA, which I was very happy for himabout, but it really turned our marriage upside down.
I know it's lovely to wish for our loved ones to be sober,but you know the saying, be careful what you wish for.
(25:27):
Yeah, no kidding.
I had a lot of softening to do and I also had to lookat myself and, accepting our limitations as it says here, can avail ourselves of unlimited possibilities.
I used to think of him as the defective one.
I was great.
He was one with the problem.
(25:49):
yes.
But there was a nagging question.
Why did I marry him?
What was wrong with me?
And that's what I have been slowlyuntangling, through working my program.
You know what this reading doesn'ttalk about ? I just realized.
(26:10):
The two words in step six that are the hardest for me.
Entirely and all.
Kind of absolute, aren't they?
They are absolute.
and what I have to recognize in being able to move pastthis step, is what you said, progress, not perfection.
That I'm going to become ready to have asmany as possible of these defects removed.
(26:38):
and recognize that I'm going to do this more than once.
My wife was recently talking about a change that she wantsto make in her life, and that she's making small steps towards, but she says, I'm not even ready to pray for the willingness to be willing to make this particular change.
That's perfect.
(27:00):
but she is able to say, I know I need to, at somepoint, I want to make this change, I'm just not ready.
And I think sometimes recognizing that we'renot ready is giving ourselves some grace.
Absolutely.
Look, my sister asked me the other day inreference to seeing a therapist, when do you know you don't have to see them anymore?
(27:24):
And you're done.
And I told her, I'm going to give youthe long answer to that question for me.
But we see how long this process can taketo even start showing those small results.
I have come to believe that I will domy step six again and again and again.
(27:50):
I think this is a lifetime journey.
I don't think that there's any arriving.
I don't even know it says entirely ready to have all.
These are some tricky words, right?
Ready to have, it doesn't say that God isgoing to remove all my defects of character.
So it's not absolute in thatway and that is not the promise.
(28:15):
Yeah.
I think those two words go back to thisidea of not leaving loopholes for alcoholics to slip through, or any of us, really.
A recognition that it's a package deal.
We are all of who we are, and that to want change,to ask for change, to hope for change, we have to recognize that we might end up changing more than just the one or two things that we really want to get rid of,
(28:45):
and that would be beautiful.
That's another miracle.
There are awarenesses around every cornerand doing this work starts to open up.
I have blind spots.
I know I have blind spots.
I don't know what they are.
That's why they're
blind.
There are lots of hidden gems there.
(29:07):
and it won't be easy for sure, but how exciting.
I can chuckle and laugh about that with you at the moment.
I might be crying tomorrow morning.
Progress.
All right, this is a short section.
It's the last paragraph.
Our strength lies in accepting our role in ourrelationship with God and trusting that a higher power will play a significant role as well.
(29:33):
No longer must we struggle alone, attempting the impossible.
We need only to let go and let God.
At this point, you also brought a reading fromCourage to Change that I think speaks to letting go and letting God in a slightly different way.
Could you read that for me?
This is from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon 2, which is one of our daily readers on October 9th.
(30:01):
It says,
I used to think of God as my adversary.
We were engaged in a battle of willsand I wasn't about to let down my guard.
You can imagine how quickly this attitudeled me to hit a hard emotional bottom.
I came to Al Anon, but I was reluctantto admit that I was powerless.
I knew it was true.
(30:21):
I had obviously failed to conquer alcoholism,but I wasn't going to submit to my enemy.
I'm so grateful to Al Anon forhelping me learn to surrender.
It took a long time, but I finally realizedthat surrender does not mean submission.
It means I'm willing to stop fighting reality,to stop trying to do God's part and to do my own.
(30:43):
When I gather flowers or marvel at nature's wonders, Ido not lose face when I can see that I am not in control.
So it is with everything in my life.
The best way I've found to invite serenity isto recognize that the world is in good hands.
Today's reminder, today I can be grateful that theearth will continue to revolve without any help from me.
(31:06):
I am free to live my own life, safe in theknowledge that a higher power is taking care of the world, my loved ones, and myself.
Yeah.
I find in the middle of this, this keythat surrender does not mean submission.
I'm willing to stop fighting reality.
How long did I fight reality?
(31:28):
Oh my goodness.
when I came into the program and I startedhearing some things, the first slogan that I picked up was let go and let God.
That is the first step in many of the steps, andin step six, I'm letting go of my attachment to these things that at some point in my life might've been, survival traits, but are now not working for me.
(31:57):
I'm letting go of my attachment to those andletting my higher power do what needs to happen.
So that they're no longer negatives in my life,
?Yes.
I've learned so much through this program and reading textslike these, Surrender Does Not Mean Submission, was huge.
(32:20):
It doesn't mean I'm a failure just because I acceptreality and it wasn't what I was taught like there's a lot of Undoing the things that I was taught growing up.
That's big work It's very big work toundo to demystify what's ingrained in us.
(32:43):
I was taught everything opposite to step sixeven in some parts of my family where they go to church regularly and there's a big strong belief in God, but there's a lot of control in there.
I also love the part about marveling at nature's wonders.
You know, birds, they just do.
(33:06):
They build the nest.
How, how, there is no manual.
It's not perfect.
The nest might fall apart in a big storm.
They just build it again.
There's a lot we can learn there, I think.
Yeah, and I don't have to tell the bird how to build
its nest either.
No.
I might try, but I'm not going to succeed.
(33:28):
Very true.
because nature and that bird's higherpower is strongly at work there.
So let go and let God.
I think that is a great place to, to close our conversation.
Thank you.
Ufasaha, for bringing these two extra readings,and bringing, you know, your experience, strength and hope here has opened some things for me.
(33:50):
So thank you.
My pleasure.
Thank you.
And in a little bit, we'll move on totalking about our lives and recovery.
But first, you brought music.
I love it when people bring music, becauseI get to sometimes experience music.
I'm not at all familiar with.
So what's the first song that you brought for
Yes.
Jordan Rakai, a fairly young artist that I really enjoy.
(34:14):
His song is called Learning.
I love the inspiration that Jordan speaks of in this song,in the chorus he sings, If my head gets sore, it feels easy to run away from the rest of the world with my secrets.
When my knees get tired, I'm still searchingfor space right here in between the lines.
(34:35):
For the learning, space is here for the learning.
Give it up.
Give it up.
So that's what step six means to me.
I'm learning to let go and lay down mytroubles and agonizing over my coping mechanisms that keep me stuck in suffering.
(34:59):
In this section of the podcast, wetalk about our lives in recovery.
How have we experienced recovery recently?
I had surgery a few days ago.
This is something that I've been thinkingabout for a while and decided to go ahead with.
Totally voluntary, but it's a qualityof life improvement, in the long run.
In the short run, it is not a quality of lifeimprovement, but that's the way things are when you're making change sometimes, you know, it's uncomfortable for a little while and then it gets better.
(35:29):
I had a recovery period in the hospital after the surgeryand there was another man in the same room, who had the same surgery and my wife said, he sounds like he's got a lot of anxiety about, You know, what's happening, what's coming next, how he's recovering, and so on.
And she said, and you don't.
(35:50):
And I was like, yeah, this is what's happening.
I was not anxious about the outcome.
I was not anxious about how my body was acting orreacting, what kind of progress I was making or not making, what was going to happen when I went home.
I wasn't being unrealistic about it.
I didn't have this view thateverything's going to be wonderful.
(36:12):
And, I just had this acceptance of whatwas happening was what was happening.
This is what had to happen at that moment.
I don't know that I would have been able to do thatwithout the grounding, the centering that has come from, accepting a higher power into my life, accepting that sometimes I don't have control over the way things are.
(36:42):
and that when stuff happens in my life, they may not go theway I want them to necessarily, but I've always been okay.
I might not have been completely happy, but I've been okay.
and, having had that happen inmany different parts of my life.
And.
Practicing acceptance in this program, justmade the whole experience unstressful.
(37:07):
I think that's the best way to put it.
You know, I was not stressed about it.
I wasn't comfortable.
very much was not comfortable,but I was not stressed about it.
And that makes the discomfort so much easier.
Yeah.
So that's my recent experience of how what I learned inrecovery expressed itself in my life in the last few days.
(37:29):
And in the next few weeks when, the things that I cando are limited by not wanting to re injure myself.
How's recovery working in your life recently?
Ufasaha.
yeah.
Thank you for sharing that, Spencer.
that's big.
surgeries are big.
There's a lot of emotion that goes on there.
as well as in our bodies.
(37:51):
and I hope you have a smooth whole recovery.
in my life, I would like to believe that I'm taking life'sturns with more grace, that my gripping has lessened.
I'm a notorious gripper and control freak.
And again, that's how I was taught that I needed tobe hyper vigilant to achieve, to be a good citizen, to be a good daughter, wife, mother, et cetera.
(38:22):
and I've stopped doing a lot of that because that iscounterproductive to what I'm learning here in my program.
I am in the midst of a number of majortransformations and transitions in my life.
I talked about.
My marriage earlier, I'm in the process ofgetting a divorce after 22 years of marriage.
(38:46):
I have a teenage daughter who will be going offto college next year, I have a sister who has been living with me somewhat temporarily because she is going through some transitions herself.
So all of these things perhaps in the past would have rockedmy world, in multiple ways and have sent me off reeling and exhibiting many of my character defects in full color.
(39:16):
But I have found some great tools that Ipractice that keep me centered in a way that takes care of where I need to be taken care of.
I meditate every morning.
I've changed my whole morning routine.
So before I start my daily work, I haveabout two and a half hours to myself.
(39:40):
And I meditate and I read and I journal.
I do some exercise.
I take a bath.
And that's how I've started mydays now for the last few years.
And it has transformed my center, it is carved out timewhere I can talk to God or I can listen for their answer and proceed with my day, identify my feelings, let go of things that I don't need to carry in my day and in those moments.
(40:13):
And it's done worlds to reduce my anxiety.
and I know everything is going to be okay.
Thank you so much.,
Looking forward in the podcast, what we haveupcoming is, we'll be looking at more steps.
We got seven, eight, nine, et cetera, still to go.
we welcome your thoughts, your experience,strength, and hope, please join our conversation.
(40:37):
You can leave a voicemail or send us anemail with your feedback or your questions.
Ufasaha, how can people do that?
How can they send us feedback?
You can send a voice memo or email toquote feedback at the recovery dot show.
Or if you prefer, you can call andleave us a voicemail at 734 707 8795.
(41:02):
You can also use the voicemail button on thewebsite to join the conversation from your computer.
We'd love to hear from you.
Share your experience, strength, and hope, oryour questions about today's topic of Step 6 or any of our upcoming topics, including more steps.
If you have a topic you'd like to talk about, let us know.
(41:23):
If you would like advance notice for some ofour topics so that you can contribute to that topic, you can sign up for our mailing list by sending an email to feedback at the recovery show.
quote email in the subject line to make it easier to spot.
Our website is therecovery.
(41:44):
show, where we have all the information aboutthe podcast, including notes for each episode.
I would say mostly notes for each episode.
There are links in the notes for the episodeto the books that we read from or mentioned, videos for the music that Ufasaha chose, and some links to other Recovery podcasts and websites.
(42:08):
at this point, we come up to our next song.
What do we have here?
my second song pick for step six is called Better byMalika Tirolien, I'm not quite sure how to pronounce her name correctly, but I hope I did some justice.
(42:28):
so I feel like this song personifieswhat's on the other side of step six.
It says, quote, so simple, so easy.
It all comes so naturally.
Once you rewire the light that shines insideof you, you're born to find your peace of mind.
Your life is yours to design onceyou rewire the divine inside of you.
(42:54):
I like that.
Once you rewire the light that shines insideof you, which is also the divine, yes.
Ooh, I'm going to have to go listen to these songs,
Let me know what you think, Spencer.
Yeah.
(43:15):
I'm going to start the feedback section with a sharefrom Mark McP about his experience with step six.
He writes, thinking back to my own experiencewith the steps years ago now, I tried to recall how step six felt to me then.
I had to remind myself not to overthink or betoo critical of myself and my imperfections.
(43:38):
So I pulled up the twelve steps and read and thought.
through them There was a real sense of momentum,if not quite progress, as I was then able to see it.
And a feeling that this middlestep might be a turning point.
Something momentous.
Something about to change.
The funny thing is that just reading step 6 today, wereentirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, brought that old flood of fear right back.
(44:04):
Why was I then?
Why am I still today frightened by the prospectof having my character defects removed?
My persistent fear response suggeststhat I wasn't, quote, entirely ready.
There's a great old song by The Replacements, Nevermind,where Paul Westerberg sings I'm not ready as I'll ever be and I suppose your guess is more or less as bad as mine.
(44:27):
That whole song should be the soundtrack for mysteps and my willful need to frame and articulate things of the spirit in words that gratify my ego.
Sometimes you have to do things, even whenthey are not precisely clear in your mind.
I suppose a part of me thinks that if youtake away my faults, I'll be hollowed out and empty, left with too big a void to fill.
(44:49):
So, to even haltingly take step six, I haveto return to my step four inventory and to those positive marks in my personal ledger.
And to step three and trust to my higher powerto fill in for my deficits with positive change.
Thanks as always for your serviceand hope you have a peaceful holiday.
Mark McP.
(45:10):
Thank you, Mark.
Thank you for that.
I got a voicemail from MJ who called in fromher car and the audio was very broken up.
So, I'm going to read the transcription of what she said.
And apologize for not being able to put your voice here.
Hi, my name is MJ.
Hopefully you can hear me okay.
(45:32):
I'm calling in from my car, where Ilisten to this podcast every single day.
I started from the very beginning, so Ifeel like I'm still kind of back in time.
I've made it up through May 2013.
I know, obviously, there's a lot to go.
I've really been enjoying the podcast so much so far.
I had a question, which was, I've been really interestedin finding information in conference approved literature and in this podcast about dealing with people's judgment, society's judgment, about the disease of alcoholism
(46:01):
and how to manage the opinion of those around us aboutour decision in regards to our qualifiers or in regards to ourselves from people who are not in Al Anon.
I've looked through the podcast archive.
I'm sure you have covered this.
So if you wouldn't mind pointing me in thedirection of any episodes on this topic or any chapters in the literature, I'd be very grateful.
(46:21):
Thank you so much.
Well, I don't think that's actuallya topic that we've covered.
Which is kind of interesting to me.
Why is this not something that, that we've talked about.
About how we deal with people in our lives whohave preconceived notions and judgment about alcoholism, about alcoholics, and maybe about like, why are you staying with that jerk?
(46:47):
Or whatever the question might be.
You ask about managing the opinion of those around us.
One of the fundamental things that I have learned in AlAnon recovery is that I cannot manage the people around me.
I certainly cannot manage theopinions of the people around me.
(47:08):
But what has happened is that I don't care.
That may be a little strong.
I think I do care, I know how Iused to think about alcoholism.
Yeah, that has changed a lot.
If it really matters to me, if there's somebodyI'm in close relationship with in some way, I can express my current understanding.
(47:30):
And then I have to let go of it.
Because their opinion is their opinion.
And it's just like dealing with anybody in mylife who has a different opinion than me about politics, about the way life should run, whatever.
The only thing I can manage is theway I respond to or react to that.
(47:51):
And how that makes me feel.
The saying, do you want to beright or do you want to be happy?
I think to some extent applies here.
I can try to convince somebody to change their mind,
probably without success, and it'sjust going to make me unhappy.
Or I can say I disagree with you about that.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
(48:13):
And move on.
I think the support that I found in Al Anon Recovery helpedme to stop feeling shameful about my loved one's alcoholism.
And that made the things that people said,it helped to make those less hurtful.
That's what I've got to say.
(48:33):
What do you think you who are listening rightnow, is this something that you have dealt with, are dealing with, want to know how to deal with?
Let's hear from you.
Thanks.
Ufasaha, I want to thank you again, for joiningme today for our conversation about step six.
I really enjoyed our conversation.
(48:54):
Same here, Spencer.
your podcast is been a very importantpart of my life and my program.
And I'm very honored to spend this time withyou and go deeper into this topic with you.
(49:14):
Thank you.
and what is our third song here?
The song is called Sunshine by Salt.
S A U L T.
So I love the play on words in this song.
Sun, spelled S O N, which represents sun, S U N.
(49:35):
And the artist says, Let the sunshine shine on me.
Let the sunshine shine on me.
I think that God's crying when it rains.
Let the sunshine shine through my pain.
Sun will rise.
(49:55):
Thank you for listening and please keep coming back.
Whatever your problems, there arethose among us who have had them too.
If we did not talk about a problem you arefacing today, feel free to contact us so we can talk about it in a future episode.
May understanding, love, and peacegrow in you one day at a time.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!