Shyness

Send us a text

Let's take a look at overcoming shyness, why it develops, how it holds us back, and what small steps can help people break free from it.

Support the show

Join our Evolve to Thrive 6 month programme https://therapynatters.com

Join the Patreon community https://www.patreon.com/richardnicholls

Social Media Links

Bluesky https://bsky.app/profile/richardnicholls.net

Threads https://www.threads.net/@richardnichollsreal

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/richardnichollsreal

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/RichardNichollsAuthor

Youtube https://www.youtube.com/richardnicholls

TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@richardnichollsauthor

X https://x.com/richardnicholls

Episode Transcript

Richard (00:00):
And hello to you.

(00:01):
It's Friday again, and sowelcome to today's special bonus
episode, I do every Friday.
And today I want to talk brieflyabout something that touches a
lot of lives, and that'sshyness.
So this is a short little nudgethe right direction, but if you
want the full episode, I've gota longer version available on

(00:22):
Patreon.
But for now, let's have a littlelook into shyness, shall we?
So, shyness is one of thosethings that can sneak into our
personality and settle in likean old jumper.
It can be comfortable, familiar,but particularly helpful you're
trying to make new connectionsor express yourself.

(00:44):
And a lot of people think thatshyness is just a personality
type.
They'll say, oh, I've alwaysbeen shy.
It's just the way I am.
But shyness, like many things,isn't a permanent trait, it's
behaviour.
A reaction a feeling.

(01:04):
So it's actually a habit.
And the good news is that habitscan be changed because nobody is
born shy.
No baby ever refused attentionbecause they were worried what
people thought of theirbabbling.
Shyness is something we pick upthrough experience, through
fear, through misunderstandingsquite often.

(01:26):
Maybe we spoke up once and gotlaughed at, maybe we were
ignored or just didn't get thefeedback that we needed.
Over time, our brains then builda rule.
Keep quiet and you'll stay safe.
While it might have helpedprotect us back then, it doesn't
serve us anymore because itcreates a loop.

(01:47):
The fear of being noticed leadsto avoidance.
Avoidance leads to silence, andsilence leads to being
overlooked and being overlookedconfirms the belief that we are
not worth noticing.
So we stay small.
But the real you, the one behindthe shyness, isn't small at all.

(02:07):
They're just hiding.
So your voice becomes moreinternal, but that voice is
usually quite the critic.
We call it the inner critic,don't we?
That says things like, Don't sayanything stupid or they won't
like you or Best keep quiet.
But that voice isn't actuallyyou.
It's just a part of yourthought.

(02:28):
And thoughts aren't facts.
You don't have to believeeverything you think.
So how do we shift it?
Can we actually override alifelong major part of our
personality?
Well, yes.
Just not by leaping into thespotlight straight away.
That's like going from paddlingto deep sea diving with no
training.

(02:49):
So you need to start small.
We call it graded exposure orsystematic desensitisation.
Things like saying hello tosomebody new, asking a stranger
a simple question, smiling at abarista in a coffee shop.
It doesn't have to be anythingspecial.
You don't have to be or sayanything interesting.

(03:09):
Just be interested.
People love talk aboutthemselves.
Let them.
Ask more, talk less, and bit bybit your brain catches on
realises oh, I had aninteraction and die.
Maybe talking isn't so scaryafter all.
But it will make you feelself-conscious at first.
'Cause this is new.

(03:30):
If you are constantly thinkingabout yourself, how you look,
what you sound like, how you'rebeing perceived.
It feels like everyone else isthinking about you as well, even
though they're not.
But it's no wonder you feelanxious.
So try shifting the focusoutwards, look around, notice
things, be curious about theoutside.

(03:53):
That curiosity breaks the cycleof self-consciousness.
And you can train yourself to doit, it's just like learning
chess.
The more you do it, the betterat it you get.
It's the same with confidence.
The only reason someone becomesshy is because they learned how
to.
And what was learned can beunlearned.
You can learn to be confident.

(04:15):
To be sociable.
You can learn to expressyourself without fear.
Not because you've magicallytransformed into someone new,
but because you've allowed thereal you to emerge.
So if this has resonated withand you're thinking Yeah, that's
me.
Then you'll love the full lengthepisode that's over on Patreon,
where we dig a bit deeper intotechniques and some stories and

(04:38):
practical strategies, and a bigwarm reminder that you are not
alone in all of this.
You're not broken, you're justsomeone who's learning to be
brave.
So if you want to explore thatmore, head
patreon.com/richardnicholls, andyou'll find me there.
Take care, be kind to yourselfand I'll speak to you soon.

(04:59):
See ya.