August 1, 2025 • 18 mins
Most people think of boundaries as being like a physical thing as if there's a chalk outline on the ground everywhere you go and if someone steps into it it makes you upset. The thing is the only one that knows the boundary is there is you.
Today is all about why boundaries are important, how to set them and how you know if someone's crossed the line.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Richard (00:02):
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and today you'll learn
about boundaries.
(00:23):
If you are ready, we'll startthe show.
Hey folks, happy August.
If it is August for you, I dunnowhen you're listening to this,
do I?
But it might be Friday, the 1stof August for you today.
And if it is, I do apologise'cause I also put out a short
(00:45):
five minute bonus episode everyFriday, don't I?
So, if you listen to me on apodcast app, this morning it
pushed two episodes to you atthe same time.
Sorry about that.
It only happens once or twice ayear, so I shouldn't worry about
it, but it feels a bitintrusive, giving you two on the
same day, like I've crossed aline and that's what I wanna
(01:07):
talk about today, boundaries.
Why they're important, how toset them, and how you know if
someone's crossed the line.
So, most people think ofboundaries as being a physical
thing, like there's a personalspace around them that's not for
other people to be in.
As if there's a chalk outline onthe ground everywhere you go,
(01:28):
and if someone steps into it, itmakes you anxious.
The thing is, the only one thatknows it's there is you.
It's invisible to everyone elsebut you.
And these boundaries can beabout anything and everything.
If your boundaries are about howmuch time your next door
(01:49):
neighbour spends chatting withyou on your drive, when you've
come home from work and theykeep on crossing the line, then
it needs to change.
If you have a boundary betweenwhat's acceptable and what isn't
about anything, and you feelthat people keep on crossing
over it.
Then it needs to change, becauseif it doesn't you will resent it
(02:13):
eventually if you don't already.
And it's gonna lower yourself-esteem, if it hasn't
already.
People crossing boundaries canmake you feel as if you've been
taken advantage of, you see.
But like I say, these boundariesare invisible.
The other person doesn't knowthat they've crossed the line.
Now, sometimes they do.
(02:33):
Sometimes you are being takenadvantage of and the other
person knows exactly whatthey're doing.
I hear so many stories fromclients about how they only hear
from certain members of theirfamily when they want to quote,
borrow some money.
They know they're not gonna seethe money again.
And they know they probablywon't see that family member
(02:55):
again until next Christmas whenthey pile on the guilt trip that
they can't give their kids theChristmas they deserve.
But they had the money for theirfriends hen weekend in the
summer, didn't they?
So these boundary crossings,they come up in therapy a heck
of a lot.
But how do we prevent it?
'cause it's not easy to say noto someone who you have
(03:18):
habitually said yes to.
Is it?
Maybe there can be a, okay, butthis is genuinely the last time
I'm doing this for you, sort ofconversation.
A, you need to learn how tomanage your money better.
Please don't ask me for handoutsagain, sort of conversation.
(03:40):
Somebody once told me once thatwhen a random nephew would ask
to borrow money every singlesummer to take his children on
holiday, and the money wouldnever be paid back, it stopped
when they were told, okay, I'lldo this for you, but instead of
paying me back.
(04:00):
I want you to give it to yourchildren at Christmas and I'll
put a note in their Christmascard from me that says, Merry
Christmas.
Your dad's got a hundred quidfrom me for you.
I hope you get yourselfsomething nice or something like
that.
And he didn't ask for any moneythe following year, obviously.
And that's a great way ofsetting boundaries.
(04:21):
'cause there's a time and aplace for being passive
aggressive, isn't there?
And that was just perfect.
I think of boundaries as beingthe line where I end and someone
else starts as if someonecrossing the boundary means I'm
no longer being myself, I'm notbeing authentic.
I'm being the me that they wantme to be, rather than the me
(04:43):
that I want to be.
So if people can stay on theirside of the boundary what we
often find is that we're stillvery often gonna be the version
of ourselves that they wantanyway, because if we can be
ourselves.
That's also the us that we wantto be as well.
But them crossing that linemeans that there's a mismatch
(05:03):
between who we think we are andwho they think we are.
And then one of two things needsto change.
Either our expectations ofourselves changes or their
expectations of us changes.
Maybe both.
But if the other person isn'taware that they're crossing the
(05:23):
boundary, then they'll carry onregardless.
My wife randomly took a day offa couple of weeks ago'cause
she'd done too much overtime andneeded to cash it in.
And I said, great, I'll finishearly myself that day and we can
do something together.
And she just put a hand up andsaid, you can do what you like,
but I've already got plans now.
(05:45):
If she didn't have theconfidence or whatever to tell
me No, then she'd have resentedme intruding on her day off,
which is not a good ingredientfor a relationship.
So as with many things in life,communication is the key.
Respectful communication I mightadd though,'cause whether that's
(06:06):
in a healthy friendship or ahealthy relationship, there
should be a good level ofrespect.
So that even if boundaries arecrossed, it can be understood
and not just dismissed with a,Oh, it doesn't matter, they'll
get over it sort of attitude.
Now, if someone takes advantageof you and they realise if
(06:28):
you're lucky, they'll apologise.
But to be honest, most peoplearen't that good at apologising.
It makes us feel more guilty'cause it acknowledges that we
did something unfavourable andit might poke our self-esteem a
little bit.
If our self-esteem is high, thenthat's probably okay.
We'll recognise that we went toofar and we'll apologise, but if
(06:50):
we can't, then at least we canacknowledge the boundary
crossing and thank the otherperson for letting us go too
far.
It might be really hard to say,Sorry, honey, I've, I've let you
make dinner every night thisweek whilst I've been playing
Xbox.
Because it pushes the, I'm acrappy husband button, but we
can say I noticed I've been soengrossed in my Xbox, you've
(07:13):
made dinner every night thisweek, sweetie.
Thank you.
I'll make sure to return thefavour'cause that way we don't
push the I'm a crappy husbandbutton.
Instead, we push the, my wifeloves me and I love her too
button.
Everyone's a winner.
Now, boundaries can causeproblems if they're not
realistic or they're too vague.
(07:36):
All the polite conversations inthe world won't make any
difference if you tell yourboyfriend he can never be late
home from work.
Because so much is gonna beoutside of his control.
And suggesting he cooks dinner afew times this week it's too
vague.
That could mean any day.
And she then resents him, spendsall week resenting the fact that
(07:59):
he said he was gonna do it acouple of times this week, and
well now it's Thursday.
Too vague, you see?
So if you find yourselfcomplaining about people all the
time, even if it's just in yourhead, there might be some
boundary issues somewhere.
If you find that you've nevergot enough time for your own
stuff.
Or you feel constantlyinadequate and guilty.
(08:21):
It could be that people arecrossing boundaries.
So start setting them.
But be gentle though, you needto be realistic.
If you tell yourself you'regonna change your personality
overnight, not only is it gonnafreak everyone else out, but
it's also gonna feel so wrong toyou that you'll just go back to
how you were before.
(08:43):
But if you have a friend whouses you as their comfort
blanket, they offload on youface to face, via text, they
phone you whenever they canpossibly get time to, to tell
you about their crappy life orwhatever.
And I hear this a lot frompeople when they come to therapy
themselves.
And they usually say thingslike, Hmm.
(09:05):
I'm usually the one thateveryone goes to for help.
Well, it's time they were therefor themselves and not just for
other people.
But it needs boundaries.
I do it.
Not only with my friends becausethey do come to me.
I am the one that my friends goto because they know I'm not
gonna judge them because I do itin my job.
I set boundaries all the time,and that's okay then.
(09:27):
And I say to all of my clients.
You can message me anytime youlike, email me fine.
It's absolutely fine, but Ican't guarantee I'm ever gonna
reply.
But I'll definitely read whatyou've said, even if it's right
in the beginning of our sessionsand we can talk about it in
those sessions.
'cause sometimes it's thewriting it all down that helps.
(09:48):
It's like journaling.
So I'm never gonna discouragethat.
But I let them know in that veryfirst session where the
boundaries are.
They know what to expect thenand hopefully don't feel
rejected if all they get back inreply is a thumbs up emoji or a
message that says, I understandit'll be good to talk about this
the next time we meet, or morelikely nothing at all.
(10:12):
'cause that's what we set up inthat very first session.
They know that their time withme as their therapist is for an
hour, once a week, once afortnight, whatever, and they
have my absolute undividedattention.
If I start blurring theboundaries by seeing them for
two hours,'cause I don't have aclient straight after and I'm
(10:32):
procrastinating making a podcastepisode, then the next time it
gets to the 50 minute mark and Istart to bring the session to a
close, they could feel rejected.
And it'd spoil the therapeuticrelationship.
And it's the same with friendsand family.
In order to feel respected byanother person, our expectations
(10:53):
need to be met.
If we expect to talk to our bestbuddy for an hour and they only
give us 10 minutes before theyinterrupt us and say, Look, I've
gotta go, I'm in the middle ofsomething.
We might feel rejected.
But if right at the beginningwhen we answer their call and
they start going on, we say, I'mhere for you, mate.
(11:14):
I am in the middle of something,but I wanna hold it for 10
minutes to let you offload.
Then they know what to expect.
They've got 10 minutes.
And you know, if they end uphaving 15, it wouldn't surprise
them then when you say, I get itmate, it's a nightmare.
Look, I'm gonna have to go.
We'll chat tomorrow if you like.
I'm free for 10 minutes about inquarter past 12 on my way to the
canteen.
(11:34):
Call me if you want to.
Then they know where theboundaries are, but if they text
you at midnight expecting aresponse, it is perfectly okay
to ignore it and reply the nextday, isn't it?
The thing is.
If you start replying at thattime of night, even though you
100% don't want to, then they'regonna see the boundaries in a
(11:56):
different place to you and won'teven know that you are resenting
them.
They won't even know thatthey've crossed the boundary.
If you've got a friend who ringsyou every night at nine o'clock
to complain about their job,their spouse, and the price of
electricity.
You might find that they see youas an extension of themselves
(12:18):
and the boundaries areoverlapping to them.
So because they feel that it'sperfectly okay to phone someone
every night at nine o'clock,I've got no problem with that.
Actually, that's when theirpartner watches some TV program
and they leave'em to it and theymay well genuinely feel as if
it's an ideal time for you aswell.
(12:40):
It's the same for so manysituations.
We've probably all seen a TVprogram or a film where a bloke
misreads the signal from a womanthat he likes.
He tries it on with her a bit,and she recoils in horror and
says, What made you think I wasinterested in you?
'cause I'm really not.
(13:01):
And this guy's genuinelythinking that everything she
ever did, everything she eversaid was an indication that she
was into him.
Just because he was interestedin her.
It might even have happened toyou in real life.
Who knows?
'cause it happens.
Because if we are anxious oremotional, our empathy can be
turned down a little bit as ifwhat's going on in our mind must
(13:24):
be the same as what's going onin everybody else's.
So many clients when they firstmeet me do say things like, I
know what you're thinking.
Of course, no they don't.
They know what they arethinking.
They dunno what I'm thinking.
When someone's had years ofnegative self-talk, it's no
surprise that it feels as ifeveryone else is thinking the
(13:45):
same.
So if you've got to set newboundaries, or rather let people
know about where the existingboundaries actually are, there
are good and bad ways of doingit.
One commonly recommendedtechnique is the good old
fashioned crap sandwich, and I'msure you've all heard about
(14:05):
that.
It's the first thing that youlearn as a manager about how to
give feedback.
It's the same for teachers,parents, anyone and everyone.
And if you've never stumbledacross the crap sandwich before,
it basically means to sandwichsomething that's unpleasant to
hear in between two things thatare okay.
So if little Johnny brings hisdad some art homework and there
(14:30):
is massive room for improvementand you know for a fact that
little Johnny only spent thevery bare minimum of time on it,
then if you just say, I thinkyou could do better Johnny, that
is only gonna cause problems.
Whether that's fight or flight,anger or sadness, Johnny's gonna
(14:50):
have a bad day, throw a tantrumand make his dad have a bad day
as well.
But saying, Wow, I love the wayyou've kept in the lines when
you've coloured in Iron Man'shelmet.
That's great.
Oh, I can see where you mighthave got a tired hand look
because you've gone over thelines a few times as you've
(15:11):
worked your way down there, youcould probably do with taking
your time, spending a bit longeron it.
So as not to rush, but whoa,love it.
Great pic Johnny.
That's a crap sandwich.
It shows that there's room forimprovement, but remains
positive.
And with so many things in life,that's a good habit to get into.
(15:31):
And when setting boundaries, weneed to do the same.
It just means getting our headaround it.
So if what someone wants to sayto their bothersome partner is,
Will you stop pestering me?
I don't want sex every singlenight, but they're worried it's
gonna put them in a bad mood.
Might even completely ruin theirsex life.
(15:52):
They can instead say somethinglike, sex with you is amazing,
just not when it's every night.
I don't want the novelty to wearoff and I want it to carry on
being fantastic.
Win-win.
We can't a hundred percentguarantee it's not gonna put
them in a mood.
Of course, we can't actuallyinfluence people that much.
(16:12):
All we can do is our best.
But if there are things that youcan control, then make sure you
do.
You can't actually stop yourmate from calling you at nine
o'clock every night to complainabout their boss, but you can
actually ignore the phone.
You can get into a habit of notanswering your phone after eight
o'clock at night or whatever.
(16:34):
Another thing is to be carefulwith the word You.
If you are out and your partnermessages you every five minutes
checking up on you, then comingback home and saying, you need
to stop doing that.
You need to trust me, you mademe angry.
It's got too much blame in it.
Instead, make it about yourself.
(16:54):
Use I statements because no onecan argue with I statements.
Because they're about you.
So if you say, I feel annoyedwhen I get a text every five
minutes, then the other personcan't disagree with that.
So avoid the word you wherepossible change it to we if you
have to.
(17:16):
I'd prefer it if we waited untilI was home before we chatted.
Now, even if it's a slowprocess, you're still changing
your relationships with people.
So you might lose a friend, youmight end a relationship, it's
only a possibility.
But if we're honest, arelationship or a friendship
with poor boundaries that can'texist without them is probably
(17:39):
already missing respect, and I'dsay it's okay to let it go.
Speaking of which we need to letthis episode go for another
time.
Thank you for listening andsupporting the podcast.
Like I say so often, if you'dlike more content, you can find
me on Patreon.
Where for six pounds a month I'mthere every single Monday
morning with a real fullepisode.
(18:00):
None of your teeny tiny fiveminute Friday stuff on there.
So enjoy your week and I'llspeak to you next time.
See ya.
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and today you'll learn
about boundaries.
(00:23):
If you are ready, we'll startthe show.
Hey folks, happy August.
If it is August for you, I dunnowhen you're listening to this,
do I?
But it might be Friday, the 1stof August for you today.
And if it is, I do apologise'cause I also put out a short
(00:45):
five minute bonus episode everyFriday, don't I?
So, if you listen to me on apodcast app, this morning it
pushed two episodes to you atthe same time.
Sorry about that.
It only happens once or twice ayear, so I shouldn't worry about
it, but it feels a bitintrusive, giving you two on the
same day, like I've crossed aline and that's what I wanna
(01:07):
talk about today, boundaries.
Why they're important, how toset them, and how you know if
someone's crossed the line.
So, most people think ofboundaries as being a physical
thing, like there's a personalspace around them that's not for
other people to be in.
As if there's a chalk outline onthe ground everywhere you go,
(01:28):
and if someone steps into it, itmakes you anxious.
The thing is, the only one thatknows it's there is you.
It's invisible to everyone elsebut you.
And these boundaries can beabout anything and everything.
If your boundaries are about howmuch time your next door
(01:49):
neighbour spends chatting withyou on your drive, when you've
come home from work and theykeep on crossing the line, then
it needs to change.
If you have a boundary betweenwhat's acceptable and what isn't
about anything, and you feelthat people keep on crossing
over it.
Then it needs to change, becauseif it doesn't you will resent it
(02:13):
eventually if you don't already.
And it's gonna lower yourself-esteem, if it hasn't
already.
People crossing boundaries canmake you feel as if you've been
taken advantage of, you see.
But like I say, these boundariesare invisible.
The other person doesn't knowthat they've crossed the line.
Now, sometimes they do.
(02:33):
Sometimes you are being takenadvantage of and the other
person knows exactly whatthey're doing.
I hear so many stories fromclients about how they only hear
from certain members of theirfamily when they want to quote,
borrow some money.
They know they're not gonna seethe money again.
And they know they probablywon't see that family member
(02:55):
again until next Christmas whenthey pile on the guilt trip that
they can't give their kids theChristmas they deserve.
But they had the money for theirfriends hen weekend in the
summer, didn't they?
So these boundary crossings,they come up in therapy a heck
of a lot.
But how do we prevent it?
'cause it's not easy to say noto someone who you have
(03:18):
habitually said yes to.
Is it?
Maybe there can be a, okay, butthis is genuinely the last time
I'm doing this for you, sort ofconversation.
A, you need to learn how tomanage your money better.
Please don't ask me for handoutsagain, sort of conversation.
(03:40):
Somebody once told me once thatwhen a random nephew would ask
to borrow money every singlesummer to take his children on
holiday, and the money wouldnever be paid back, it stopped
when they were told, okay, I'lldo this for you, but instead of
paying me back.
(04:00):
I want you to give it to yourchildren at Christmas and I'll
put a note in their Christmascard from me that says, Merry
Christmas.
Your dad's got a hundred quidfrom me for you.
I hope you get yourselfsomething nice or something like
that.
And he didn't ask for any moneythe following year, obviously.
And that's a great way ofsetting boundaries.
(04:21):
'cause there's a time and aplace for being passive
aggressive, isn't there?
And that was just perfect.
I think of boundaries as beingthe line where I end and someone
else starts as if someonecrossing the boundary means I'm
no longer being myself, I'm notbeing authentic.
I'm being the me that they wantme to be, rather than the me
(04:43):
that I want to be.
So if people can stay on theirside of the boundary what we
often find is that we're stillvery often gonna be the version
of ourselves that they wantanyway, because if we can be
ourselves.
That's also the us that we wantto be as well.
But them crossing that linemeans that there's a mismatch
(05:03):
between who we think we are andwho they think we are.
And then one of two things needsto change.
Either our expectations ofourselves changes or their
expectations of us changes.
Maybe both.
But if the other person isn'taware that they're crossing the
(05:23):
boundary, then they'll carry onregardless.
My wife randomly took a day offa couple of weeks ago'cause
she'd done too much overtime andneeded to cash it in.
And I said, great, I'll finishearly myself that day and we can
do something together.
And she just put a hand up andsaid, you can do what you like,
but I've already got plans now.
(05:45):
If she didn't have theconfidence or whatever to tell
me No, then she'd have resentedme intruding on her day off,
which is not a good ingredientfor a relationship.
So as with many things in life,communication is the key.
Respectful communication I mightadd though,'cause whether that's
(06:06):
in a healthy friendship or ahealthy relationship, there
should be a good level ofrespect.
So that even if boundaries arecrossed, it can be understood
and not just dismissed with a,Oh, it doesn't matter, they'll
get over it sort of attitude.
Now, if someone takes advantageof you and they realise if
(06:28):
you're lucky, they'll apologise.
But to be honest, most peoplearen't that good at apologising.
It makes us feel more guilty'cause it acknowledges that we
did something unfavourable andit might poke our self-esteem a
little bit.
If our self-esteem is high, thenthat's probably okay.
We'll recognise that we went toofar and we'll apologise, but if
(06:50):
we can't, then at least we canacknowledge the boundary
crossing and thank the otherperson for letting us go too
far.
It might be really hard to say,Sorry, honey, I've, I've let you
make dinner every night thisweek whilst I've been playing
Xbox.
Because it pushes the, I'm acrappy husband button, but we
can say I noticed I've been soengrossed in my Xbox, you've
(07:13):
made dinner every night thisweek, sweetie.
Thank you.
I'll make sure to return thefavour'cause that way we don't
push the I'm a crappy husbandbutton.
Instead, we push the, my wifeloves me and I love her too
button.
Everyone's a winner.
Now, boundaries can causeproblems if they're not
realistic or they're too vague.
(07:36):
All the polite conversations inthe world won't make any
difference if you tell yourboyfriend he can never be late
home from work.
Because so much is gonna beoutside of his control.
And suggesting he cooks dinner afew times this week it's too
vague.
That could mean any day.
And she then resents him, spendsall week resenting the fact that
(07:59):
he said he was gonna do it acouple of times this week, and
well now it's Thursday.
Too vague, you see?
So if you find yourselfcomplaining about people all the
time, even if it's just in yourhead, there might be some
boundary issues somewhere.
If you find that you've nevergot enough time for your own
stuff.
Or you feel constantlyinadequate and guilty.
(08:21):
It could be that people arecrossing boundaries.
So start setting them.
But be gentle though, you needto be realistic.
If you tell yourself you'regonna change your personality
overnight, not only is it gonnafreak everyone else out, but
it's also gonna feel so wrong toyou that you'll just go back to
how you were before.
(08:43):
But if you have a friend whouses you as their comfort
blanket, they offload on youface to face, via text, they
phone you whenever they canpossibly get time to, to tell
you about their crappy life orwhatever.
And I hear this a lot frompeople when they come to therapy
themselves.
And they usually say thingslike, Hmm.
(09:05):
I'm usually the one thateveryone goes to for help.
Well, it's time they were therefor themselves and not just for
other people.
But it needs boundaries.
I do it.
Not only with my friends becausethey do come to me.
I am the one that my friends goto because they know I'm not
gonna judge them because I do itin my job.
I set boundaries all the time,and that's okay then.
(09:27):
And I say to all of my clients.
You can message me anytime youlike, email me fine.
It's absolutely fine, but Ican't guarantee I'm ever gonna
reply.
But I'll definitely read whatyou've said, even if it's right
in the beginning of our sessionsand we can talk about it in
those sessions.
'cause sometimes it's thewriting it all down that helps.
(09:48):
It's like journaling.
So I'm never gonna discouragethat.
But I let them know in that veryfirst session where the
boundaries are.
They know what to expect thenand hopefully don't feel
rejected if all they get back inreply is a thumbs up emoji or a
message that says, I understandit'll be good to talk about this
the next time we meet, or morelikely nothing at all.
(10:12):
'cause that's what we set up inthat very first session.
They know that their time withme as their therapist is for an
hour, once a week, once afortnight, whatever, and they
have my absolute undividedattention.
If I start blurring theboundaries by seeing them for
two hours,'cause I don't have aclient straight after and I'm
(10:32):
procrastinating making a podcastepisode, then the next time it
gets to the 50 minute mark and Istart to bring the session to a
close, they could feel rejected.
And it'd spoil the therapeuticrelationship.
And it's the same with friendsand family.
In order to feel respected byanother person, our expectations
(10:53):
need to be met.
If we expect to talk to our bestbuddy for an hour and they only
give us 10 minutes before theyinterrupt us and say, Look, I've
gotta go, I'm in the middle ofsomething.
We might feel rejected.
But if right at the beginningwhen we answer their call and
they start going on, we say, I'mhere for you, mate.
(11:14):
I am in the middle of something,but I wanna hold it for 10
minutes to let you offload.
Then they know what to expect.
They've got 10 minutes.
And you know, if they end uphaving 15, it wouldn't surprise
them then when you say, I get itmate, it's a nightmare.
Look, I'm gonna have to go.
We'll chat tomorrow if you like.
I'm free for 10 minutes about inquarter past 12 on my way to the
canteen.
(11:34):
Call me if you want to.
Then they know where theboundaries are, but if they text
you at midnight expecting aresponse, it is perfectly okay
to ignore it and reply the nextday, isn't it?
The thing is.
If you start replying at thattime of night, even though you
100% don't want to, then they'regonna see the boundaries in a
(11:56):
different place to you and won'teven know that you are resenting
them.
They won't even know thatthey've crossed the boundary.
If you've got a friend who ringsyou every night at nine o'clock
to complain about their job,their spouse, and the price of
electricity.
You might find that they see youas an extension of themselves
(12:18):
and the boundaries areoverlapping to them.
So because they feel that it'sperfectly okay to phone someone
every night at nine o'clock,I've got no problem with that.
Actually, that's when theirpartner watches some TV program
and they leave'em to it and theymay well genuinely feel as if
it's an ideal time for you aswell.
(12:40):
It's the same for so manysituations.
We've probably all seen a TVprogram or a film where a bloke
misreads the signal from a womanthat he likes.
He tries it on with her a bit,and she recoils in horror and
says, What made you think I wasinterested in you?
'cause I'm really not.
(13:01):
And this guy's genuinelythinking that everything she
ever did, everything she eversaid was an indication that she
was into him.
Just because he was interestedin her.
It might even have happened toyou in real life.
Who knows?
'cause it happens.
Because if we are anxious oremotional, our empathy can be
turned down a little bit as ifwhat's going on in our mind must
(13:24):
be the same as what's going onin everybody else's.
So many clients when they firstmeet me do say things like, I
know what you're thinking.
Of course, no they don't.
They know what they arethinking.
They dunno what I'm thinking.
When someone's had years ofnegative self-talk, it's no
surprise that it feels as ifeveryone else is thinking the
(13:45):
same.
So if you've got to set newboundaries, or rather let people
know about where the existingboundaries actually are, there
are good and bad ways of doingit.
One commonly recommendedtechnique is the good old
fashioned crap sandwich, and I'msure you've all heard about
(14:05):
that.
It's the first thing that youlearn as a manager about how to
give feedback.
It's the same for teachers,parents, anyone and everyone.
And if you've never stumbledacross the crap sandwich before,
it basically means to sandwichsomething that's unpleasant to
hear in between two things thatare okay.
So if little Johnny brings hisdad some art homework and there
(14:30):
is massive room for improvementand you know for a fact that
little Johnny only spent thevery bare minimum of time on it,
then if you just say, I thinkyou could do better Johnny, that
is only gonna cause problems.
Whether that's fight or flight,anger or sadness, Johnny's gonna
(14:50):
have a bad day, throw a tantrumand make his dad have a bad day
as well.
But saying, Wow, I love the wayyou've kept in the lines when
you've coloured in Iron Man'shelmet.
That's great.
Oh, I can see where you mighthave got a tired hand look
because you've gone over thelines a few times as you've
(15:11):
worked your way down there, youcould probably do with taking
your time, spending a bit longeron it.
So as not to rush, but whoa,love it.
Great pic Johnny.
That's a crap sandwich.
It shows that there's room forimprovement, but remains
positive.
And with so many things in life,that's a good habit to get into.
(15:31):
And when setting boundaries, weneed to do the same.
It just means getting our headaround it.
So if what someone wants to sayto their bothersome partner is,
Will you stop pestering me?
I don't want sex every singlenight, but they're worried it's
gonna put them in a bad mood.
Might even completely ruin theirsex life.
(15:52):
They can instead say somethinglike, sex with you is amazing,
just not when it's every night.
I don't want the novelty to wearoff and I want it to carry on
being fantastic.
Win-win.
We can't a hundred percentguarantee it's not gonna put
them in a mood.
Of course, we can't actuallyinfluence people that much.
(16:12):
All we can do is our best.
But if there are things that youcan control, then make sure you
do.
You can't actually stop yourmate from calling you at nine
o'clock every night to complainabout their boss, but you can
actually ignore the phone.
You can get into a habit of notanswering your phone after eight
o'clock at night or whatever.
(16:34):
Another thing is to be carefulwith the word You.
If you are out and your partnermessages you every five minutes
checking up on you, then comingback home and saying, you need
to stop doing that.
You need to trust me, you mademe angry.
It's got too much blame in it.
Instead, make it about yourself.
(16:54):
Use I statements because no onecan argue with I statements.
Because they're about you.
So if you say, I feel annoyedwhen I get a text every five
minutes, then the other personcan't disagree with that.
So avoid the word you wherepossible change it to we if you
have to.
(17:16):
I'd prefer it if we waited untilI was home before we chatted.
Now, even if it's a slowprocess, you're still changing
your relationships with people.
So you might lose a friend, youmight end a relationship, it's
only a possibility.
But if we're honest, arelationship or a friendship
with poor boundaries that can'texist without them is probably
(17:39):
already missing respect, and I'dsay it's okay to let it go.
Speaking of which we need to letthis episode go for another
time.
Thank you for listening andsupporting the podcast.
Like I say so often, if you'dlike more content, you can find
me on Patreon.
Where for six pounds a month I'mthere every single Monday
morning with a real fullepisode.
(18:00):
None of your teeny tiny fiveminute Friday stuff on there.
So enjoy your week and I'llspeak to you next time.
See ya.
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