Episode Transcript
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Richard (00:02):
And hello to you, and
welcome to the Richard Nicholls
Podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and this episode is
all about cognitive distortions.
(00:24):
And if you're ready, We'll startthe show! Alright there folks,
Happy New Year! How's ithanging?
New Years often feel like a linein the sand.
As if now that we call itsomething else, things are going
to be different now.
Well, if you had a crappy 2024,Fingers crossed for a better
(00:46):
2025.
Strange expression that, wonderwhere it comes from.
Something to do withrepresenting the cross of Christ
to ward off evil spirits, peoplesometimes suggest, but aren't
there better ways of making across shape with your fingers?
So, ah, who knows?
Different cultures havedifferent superstitions, don't
they?
Don't tell somebody in Sweden orGermany you got your fingers
(01:08):
crossed about something.
Because that means somethingelse there.
That means that you'redishonest, that you're a liar.
Instead, they say, to press yourthumbs.
Keep meaning to do an episodeabout superstitions at some
point, because the mindset thatthey create can definitely
either create a positive mindsetor a negative one, depending on
(01:31):
your beliefs.
And there are a lot of tricksthat our mind plays on us that
traps us into a negativemindset.
We tend to refer to them ascognitive distortions.
Like I always say, overcomingproblems starts with
understanding and acceptingthem.
So listen up people, let's seehow many of these traps you fall
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into.
Things like confirmation bias,because that's a biggie and I
know I've spoken about it quitea bit before.
I'll probably never stop becauseit's so common a trap to fall
into.
Confirmation bias, If you'veforgotten already, is our
tendency to only see evidencethat supports an existing belief
(02:14):
rather than alternatives.
So if you already think ofyourself as unlovable, then even
if your partner shows, that theylove you, you're less likely to
notice.
They could remind you about yourdentist appointment.
They could drop off and pick upyou and your friends from a
restaurant, so you can have anight out.
(02:35):
They can make a shopping listwith suggestions about the
ingredients to make the mealsthat you like, so you're not
always eating what they fancyall the time.
And there's all the differentvarious ways that you can show
love for somebody, even the moreobvious ones, and they can be
totally ignored and forgotten ifyour self esteem is low.
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But if they didn't bother with avalentine's card.
Or they came home from work andthey're a bit quiet one night,
they're tetchy, or they're a bitsnappy, then aha! Evidence!
Evidence that they're thinkingof leaving me, there.
Evidence that they regretmarrying me and they're
questioning their life choices.
And bigger problems occur then,when we push them away first.
(03:19):
Because you're worried thatthey're going to get the
opportunity to hurt us, butthat's another story, but it's
part of all this confirmationbias.
And that's not just about thebig things like relationships
though, that can be as simple asjust not noticing when the
traffic lights were on green formost of your journey out
somewhere.
(03:39):
But feeling that the world isout to get you when they're on
red on the way back home again.
We focus on and remember thethings that prove our point.
And we delete the things thatcontradict our existing beliefs.
That's confirmation bias.
And this happens all the time.
Totally unconsciously, this isnot a deliberate decision to
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sabotage our happiness.
We don't even know that we'redoing it.
And it sounds like our brain isout to get us.
And it's not.
Not really.
It's just that we can train itto get good at seeing certain
things.
If you did a word search, butthe words that you were looking
for were in a language that youdidn't read as well, it's going
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to take you longer than ifyou're looking for words in your
first language because yourbrain has already been primed to
look for what's familiar.
In the same way, if you feelthat the world is against you,
then that's what you'll see.
If you feel that your friendsdon't like you, then that's what
you'll see.
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For most of our time on thisearth, our reality doesn't
really exist.
It's just our brain'sinterpretation of our reality
that becomes our experiences,and our brain can't always be
trusted.
And this is why, when a courtcase needs a jury, they need
independent people without anybias.
(05:02):
People that are unconnected tothe case, so it doesn't become a
witch trial.
We know that.
Sometimes in our own life weneed to take the blinkers off so
that we are more open minded andforce ourselves to think
independently to our emotions.
Otherwise we put ourselves ontrial without realising it and
then we become judge, jury andexecutioner.
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Our experiences, our needs, ourbeliefs shouldn't be binary.
There is more to what goes on inour relationships, than love and
hate, there's more to ourdevelopment than fail and
succeed.
There's more to our emotionsthan happy or sad.
And that's called dichotomousthinking, black and white
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thinking or polarised thinking.
Very unhelpful perspective foreverything because it prevents
us from noticing the middleground.
The nuances, the subtleties thatmeans that the Christmas Day
meal that you cooked, that mighthave had a bad review if you'd
served it up in a poshrestaurant and charged 100 quid
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for it.
It was still good enough.
It mightn't be a fantastic meal,but that doesn't mean that it's
a bad one.
And we do this a lot, comparingextremes and noticing contrasts.
And maybe we taught to at quitean early age, you know, there
was no, there was no characterin the Mr Men books called Mr
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Normal or Mr Average, Mr NotThat Tall But Not That Short
Either.
There were the extremes.
We had a Mr.
Wrong and a Mr.
Perfect, Mr.
Small and a Mr.
Tall, Little Miss Shy and LittleMiss Bossy.
We were maybe brought up tolearn to see the world in a
dichotomous, black or white, allor nothing, nothing in between
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sort of way.
So it is easy to click back intothat way of thinking sometimes,
but it's not healthy to livethere.
Because it creates anunconscious need for
perfectionism, if we're notcareful.
And the slightest mistake in awedding speech means that it's a
failure rather than a success.
I was talking about Maureen Reesfrom the old BBC series Driving
(07:15):
School on my Patreon podcast onMonday.
Look me up on Patreon if youwant to hear why.
Well, I'll tell you, I wastalking about the importance of
good self talk, actually, so hopon there, onto Patreon for six
quid, see what you can learn ifyou fancy.
But one thing I didn't mentionwas that to pass your theory
test, you don't need to getevery single question right.
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Do you?
The multiple choice, the passmark is 43 out of 50.
You get 7 wrong and you stillpass.
The hazard perception, it's 44out of 75.
You're expected to be goodenough if you miss 30.
And even taking a test to be infull control of a two ton petrol
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powered internal combustionengine.
You can still make 15 mistakesand be good enough to pass.
You can even make the samemistake twice and the examiner
still won't fail you.
We need to recognise that thereis more to our life than this
black or white attitude.
Was my Christmas day a failure?
Because me and my wife didn'thave a dozen presents each to
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unwrap.
No, of course not.
But am I a bad husband for notdoing more?
It's Valentine's Day next month.
If I don't fill the bedroom withrose petals and shower her with
gifts, is that going to make mea bad husband?
No.
But if there is this black orwhite, good or bad model of the
world that I live in then itwould be easy to think of myself
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as unlovable because I couldn'tmake everything perfect for her.
And that is a very dangerousperspective to look at
everything with, isn't it?
Because it creates anexpectation that she'll
eventually leave me.
And I'd live in fear all thetime.
And I've met people who livelike that.
You might live like that.
Your partner might live likethat.
(09:02):
Be aware that there is more tolife than yes or no, black or
white, with you or against you.
That's a common issue that cropsup when someone lives this way.
If you see evidence that someoneisn't fully on board with you,
that doesn't mean they'reagainst it.
And it doesn't mean they'reagainst you.
If someone doesn't fully engagewith you, it doesn't mean they
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dislike you.
Like I say, there's a middleground between love and hate,
isn't there?
Not everyone in your life has tolove you.
But if, to you, it's all ornothing, then the absence of
someone's all means that you arenothing to them, and that's just
not true.
We might be nothing to the busdriver that didn't make eye
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contact with us, or the tilloperator in the supermarket that
genuinely couldn't care ifcustomers lived or died that
day.
They just want to get home totheir dog after a 12 hour shift.
We might be a nobody to them,but we're still a valid member
of the human race.
We're still important to ourfriends, valuable and likeable.
If we're not careful, this wayof thinking pushes people away.
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Or rather, we pull away fromthem.
Because, you know, who wants tohang around with people who
clearly hate them?
Except it's not clear that theyhate them.
It's just clear that they don'tadore them.
And that's okay.
Even if it's family.
Did our parents ruin our lifebecause they didn't support our
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idea to become a model or anartist or a footballer when we
were 16?
Maybe things would be differentif they had.
Maybe for the worst, maybe forthe better, but does that lack
of support mean they're badparents?
Or were they supportive parentsdespite that?
Were they supportive despite notsupporting the idea of not
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becoming a teacher like theywere, or an accountant or
whatever?
Despite not supporting dramaschool or a sporting academy,
did they teach you life skills?
Did they show you how to cook adecent lasagna, take you to the
theatre, to football matches orwhatever?
Were they actually good enough?
Now I know some of you listeningmight well be shaking your head
(11:19):
and thinking, actually, no, myparents were dreadful.
They weren't supportive at all.
And I'm sorry about that.
That's unfair on you.
You deserved better.
I know.
For some of you, you might beholding a lot of resentment
because someone, whether that'sparents, friends, teachers, did
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the best they could in the onlyway that they knew how.
But because they weren'tperfect, it doesn't mean that
everything that has ever gonewrong for you in your life is
their fault.
Blaming others for things canvery often prevent us from
taking steps to put those wrongthings right again.
We have a lot more control overour life and our future than we
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think.
Sometimes we just need to makesure we don't fall into these
cognitive distortion traps of,All or Nothing Thinking and
Confirmation Bias and it allstarts with awareness.
We can't stop doing somethingthat we don't know that we're
doing.
So sometimes we need to stop andask ourselves, Am I mind reading
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here?
Am I making assumptions andjumping to conclusions?
If you ever find yourself aboutto say the words, I know what
you're thinking.
Chances are, you don't.
You know what YOU are thinking.
And assuming that everyonethinks the same as you isn't
always a good idea.
There are times it's harmless,but if you've got low self
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esteem and you hate yourself, ifyou couple that up with this
belief that you know what othersare thinking, it creates a
feeling that everyone hates youas much as you hate yourself.
And that is a really harmfulroad to be travelling down.
So if you're on that road, youneed to stop and see that
actually there are many forks inthe road, many roads to take
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your thoughts down.
Not just two because ofdichotomous thinking, but
multiple roads with multiplereasons why somebody didn't
return a text message.
It means slowing down ourthinking, though, so that we can
grapple it.
Our instincts will always try torun ahead to the future.
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And it's a brilliant part ofevolution.
That's separated us from thosethat either died out or the ones
that went on to become chimps.
We can think about the future.
We can think aboutpossibilities.
And because of this, givenenough natural selection to make
it unconscious, a skill, we canjump on top of gazelles when
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they're running because we cantime it right.
And here we are, all these yearslater, using that same
predictive ability to makeassumptions that job
interviewers will hate us,prospective partners will think
that we're boring, and no one'sever going to sign up for our
Patreon podcast.
But as everyone's favourite MonCalamari Star Wars character
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Admiral Ackbar famously said,It's a trap! So, if you find
yourself mind reading or tryingto predict the future, then ask
yourself this.
Are these thoughts based on factor fear?
Because if they're fear based,and as previously acknowledged
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throughout this podcast seriesfor all these years I've been
doing it, our emotions cannotalways be trusted to give us the
right instructions.
Then that means it's okay totake a few deep breaths and look
to see if there are somealternative thoughts that can be
more appropriate.
So have a good week putting thisinto practice and I will speak
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to you next time.
Like I say, I'm on Patreon withfull episodes every Monday
morning and an enormous backcatalogue.
So if you want to give yourselfa new year boost in personal
development, I shall see you onthere.
You take care and bye for now.