October 1, 2025 • 17 mins
If your sense of self is based around helping others and it's the only place where you get your self worth from. It might be worth checking that you don't make things worse.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Richard (00:02):
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be.
The best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and today you'll learn
all about dependence andcodependence.
(00:24):
And if you are ready, we'llstart the show.
Hello there.
You beautiful people.
How are things with you?
I hope you've been able to copewith all the depressing news
that's around.
It's hard to switch off, isn'tit?
Not impossible, just hard.
(00:47):
But do find alternative ways ofkeeping entertained, please.
There's more things to do thansoak up the news.
I know I'm probably preaching tothe choir here, aren't I?
I mean, the fact that you'relistening to this right now
means you're not listening tothe news, which is great.
I know a lot of you listen onyour drive to or from work, or
(01:10):
at least many of you used to somany folk work from home
nowadays, which might be nicefor you, might not be, I dunno.
I've been working from home forthree or four days a week now
for years, so I'm quite used toit and I quite like it.
It means I can walk outta myoffice and go downstairs
straight into the kitchen andmake the evening meal.
(01:31):
'cause before I worked from homeas much as I do,'cause it used
to only be like twice a week,now it's four days out of five.
The evening meal was always madeby whoever got home first.
It was either the me or thewife.
Now it's pretty much me everynight now.
'cause my commute is like 10seconds.
But.
(01:51):
Oh, I've quite liked it.
I get to provide something formy wife and it means she can do
a workout straight after workfor 45 minutes or whatever
without feeling rushed.
And it's a nice feeling toprovide for her because I love
her.
She's important to me, and I seeher as an extension of myself in
some respect after 30 years ofbeing together.
(02:12):
So if she's happy, I'm happy.
Now, that's not a problem, isit?
Hmm.
Could be if it's exaggerated abit.
In extreme cases, that could bea symptom of codependence.
Although not a personalitydisorder, as such, codependency
is still a big issue, often partof a bigger problem.
(02:34):
But it's sometimes where peoplestart with their therapy.
'cause like I so often say,nothing's a problem unless it
causes one.
Gambling isn't a problem untilit is.
Alcohol isn't a problem unlessit is.
Because some people they canafford to gamble.
In theory, that's not a problem.
(02:55):
Some people can drink every dayand it's not a problem to them
'cause it doesn't do any harm.
They don't get drunk and theystay fairly healthy.
But their next door neighbourcould drink the same amount and
it turns him into a angry manwho smashes windows.
That's a problem and that'salways worth remembering.
Something can look harmless fromthe outside, but if it chips
(03:17):
away at your wellbeing, thenit's a problem.
And even codependence isn'talways problematic.
But if you don't feel as if youare good enough, unless you are
looking after someone, if yoursense of self is so fragile,
that unless you can see evidencein what you do for others, that
(03:37):
you're a good person, it feelsas if you are worthless.
Then that's a problem.
Why does a codependent personbuy two copies of every
self-help book?
One to read and one to pass onto someone who really needs it?
That's sometimes a sign ofcodependence or dependence.
(03:58):
Dependent personality disorderdoes overlap a little bit with
codependence, but when it getsto the level of a personality
disorder, it's not just aboutone person.
It's about everyone in yourlife.
Someone with dependentpersonality disorder needs
constant reassurance from otherpeople.
They need their friends andfamily to make all their
(04:22):
decisions for them, and theyfeel massively isolated and
lonely when they're on theirown.
Whereas Codependence is usuallyabout one person in particular.
Usually it's in a relationshipand it can make it quite
dysfunctional because it's whenboth people depend on it.
(04:42):
'cause it's one thing to be aFlorence Nightingale character
and want to help people.
But if you are constantly drawntowards people who seem to need
help, if you feel the pulltowards the vulnerable little
bird with a broken wing sort ofcharacter all the time and
(05:03):
feeling the need to step in andcontrol their life for them,
then that's not good.
If you feel guilty because youaren't helping them, even though
they haven't even asked for yourhelp, then something's not fair
there.
It could be your sense of selfis based on the effect you have
on the outside world too much.
(05:24):
Rather than just being you,because that should be good
enough whether you're helpingsomeone or not.
So there's a sense of needinessto it.
You need to be helping them, andagain, that's not fair on you
and it's not healthy for them ifyou're in a relationship with
them.
That's the difference betweendependence and codependence.
(05:48):
Joan and Jeff might have a greatrelationship.
But Jeff is constantly needingreassurance that he's doing the
right thing, asking forpermission to make decisions so
that he doesn't feel guilt orregret if he chooses the wrong
car insurance company orwhatever.
Now, as long as Joan reassureshim that it's fine, she trusts
(06:08):
him, then hopefully his sense,his sort of self-esteem, I
guess, can rise up.
And although the two people aredependent on each other.
They're not so enmeshed thatthey feed each other's anxiety.
But if Joan says, I know what'sbest, let me show you what you
need to do, then that couldspoil what could have been a
happy marriage.
(06:29):
Joan develops a personality typeof needing to control
everything, and Jeff'sself-esteem gets lower and
lower.
'cause he's allowed his wife totake control to make all the
decisions for him.
And she thinks she's just doingthe right thing.
'cause she's only trying tohelp.
Sometimes people ask, how do Iknow if I'm just being kind or
(06:52):
if I'm slipping intocodependence?
And that's a fair question.
'cause on the surface they canlook the same.
A good marker is to ask yourselfthree questions.
Do I feel guilty if I don'thelp?
Do I feel like I'm not a goodperson unless I step in?
(07:13):
And am I protecting them fromthe consequences of their
choices, rather than supportingthem to face them?
Because healthy caring haslimits.
It's about being supportivewithout losing yourself, like
offering a lift if you arepassing anyway, not rearranging
your whole day and burningyourself out to make sure that
(07:35):
somebody else is comfortable.
If helping lifts you up andgives you energy that's usually
healthy.
If helping drags you down andleaves you resentful, anxious,
or exhausted, that's when itmight be crossing into
codependence.
If.
(07:55):
Codependence is a phrase thatstarted with family therapy and
substance abuse you see.
Someone who was codependent wasin a relationship with someone
with an addiction and woulddescribe someone who was
supporting the addiction ratherthan supporting the person.
I heard a joke once aboutAl-Anon rather than AA,
Alcoholics Anonymous, which isthere for the person with
(08:18):
alcoholism.
Al-Anon is a support group forpeople whose lives are affected
by other people's drinking.
Anyway, the joke goes.
How can you tell you're at anAl-Anon meeting?
Someone spills their coffee andeveryone gets up to clean it.
I shouldn't laugh, but it's apainfully accurate picture
(08:39):
because they're an enabler.
If someone else makes a mess,they feel the need to clean it
up themselves.
Whatever that mess might be.
And the person in the messbecomes so dependent on them
that they lose their sense ofself, and the codependent
caregiver mixes together loveand pity and become so dependent
(09:00):
on helping that they lose theirsense of self, if they've ever
even had on.
And the two become codependent.
Everything about the enabler isabout self-sacrifice.
Their identity is linked tobeing a martyr, it's their
purpose.
It's where their self-worth is.
(09:21):
So they provide rescue in orderto feel needed, and if they're
not needed, then their sense ofself doesn't exist.
They don't exist, unless they'rerescuing someone.
Unless they're wanted and neededby the other person, then they
feel worthless, and that'sproper dangerous because what if
(09:43):
the other person does have analcohol problem, an addiction
issue, whether that's,substances or gambling.
If the helper gets their senseof self from bailing them out,
covering for them, funding them,then no one's gonna get well.
Until it's pointed out by apodcast that you listen to or
(10:04):
you stumble across an article.
Jeff doesn't stand up and say toJoan, I think you make me worse,
and Joan doesn't say Yeah and Ithink you make me worse too.
Then they've go to couplescounseling to sort it out and
live happily ever after.
But apart from therapy, what canwe do once we've become aware of
(10:25):
all of this?
'cause it is quite common, andit's not just with intimate
relationships either.
It can be in any relationship.
It can mean you give someone alift to work even though it's
well out of your way.
I re-watched Shaun of the Deadrecently.
Very funny, very silly film, mysort of comedy.
If you've seen it, the SimonPegg and Nick Frost characters
(10:47):
are codependent.
Nick Frost doesn't have a joband just dosses on his mate's
sofa playing video games allday, not contributing.
Simon Pegg enables it because,well, he's a mate.
And neither of them can have arelationship with anyone else.
And we fix this with properboundaries, healthy boundaries.
(11:10):
Draw a line between what isreasonable assistance and what
is unreasonable.
If you feel the need to helpsomeone who's been kicked out by
their partner, maybe they kip onyour sofa for two weeks, but
they pay for their own food andthey know they've only got two
weeks to find somewhere to live.
(11:30):
If you feel the need to go outof your way to pick someone up
and take them to work, then tellthem to walk to your house.
Or if you drive past their housenormally, then only pick them up
if they're standing outside,don't wait for them.
That sort of thing.
And I know it's hard to stickto,'cause it might go against
your sense of self.
(11:51):
But if your sense of self isbuilt around putting everyone
else first, then yourself-esteem is gonna soon be at
rock bottom.
And I know it's hard to breakthe habits of a lifetime, but
saying No to others will meansaying Yes to yourself.
And that's a far better habit.
(12:11):
Allow other people to help themas well.
Remind yourself that you aren'tthe only one capable of helping.
And look at other areas of yourlife.
Look for better, healthierrelationships with people.
Remind yourself that you can beliked and appreciated even when
(12:32):
you are not helping someone withsomething.
I remember during my, during mytherapy training, actually this
was back in 2000, I took a jobin an office, which I'd not
really done before.
Before that, my only job was ina warehouse.
I did office work, but I wasalways alone in there, and a lot
of the work was done on thewarehouse floor.
(12:52):
So I blagged my way into thisoffice job.
I got the gift of the gab, toldthem what they needed to hear,
and I talked my way into doingsomething I'd never done before,
which was fine.
But it was at the end of thisfirm's contract with the, the
gas board, I suppose you couldcall them, digging up roads.
And they lost the contract andsomebody else took over, which
means all the staff get movedover to a different company.
(13:15):
The vans all get their logoschanged and it's business as
usual just with a new boss.
And again, I told them what theyneeded to hear, blagged a higher
position.
And even though I'd only knownmy colleagues for a couple of
months and had come in alongsidethem.
Now I'm higher up.
Not much.
Just a, a bit moreresponsibility, a bit more
(13:35):
clout.
Not good if you've got impostersyndrome.
'cause all it does is make youfeel even more of a fraud.
And nowadays, all these yearslater, I can look at it and see
it for exactly what it was.
I knew what I was doing and Iclearly must have had good
communication skills.
I showed my abilities and gotpromoted.
(13:56):
You know, that should boostself-esteem, not lower it.
But I was young and I hadn'tstarted my own therapy by then.
So I tell you all about thisbecause until it was pointed out
to me, I didn't even know I wasdoing this.
But every time I heard somebodygrumble about something.
There'd be an exasperated gasp,a swear word or something at
(14:21):
their computer.
I would stand up and go over tothem to see if I could help.
And it wasn't until I waswriting on a whiteboard and one
of the other managers joked andcame over to me and he held my
hand as I wrote.
Like you would a 2-year-old.
Would you like some help withthat, Richard?
No, I wouldn't.
What?
What you doing, mate?
And he just shook his head andsat down and a few people in the
(14:42):
office piped up.
He's taking the mick outta youmate, because that's what you
do.
And that didn't make sense tome.
That's that, that that's nottrue.
I refuse to believe them.
It had become so ingrained in methat I hadn't noticed it.
And literally within a fewminutes, someone in the office
(15:05):
said, Oh, flipping computer, whyisn't it doing this properly?
And I felt myself start to standup.
It was obvious that they weretalking to themselves.
They were not asking foranybody's help.
But someone liking me.
Being thought of as helpful wassuch a part of who I was, that I
(15:26):
didn't have my own sense of selfwithout it.
It's an old cliche, a message Isay a lot, but it bears
repeating.
Look after yourself.
If you can't look after you,then you're not in a position to
look after anybody else.
Put yourself first.
It is not selfish, and thepeople close to you, treat you
(15:49):
as if it is, then that's notcodependency, that's abuse,
that's bullying.
Showing others through your ownbehaviour that you deserve to be
treated well will encourage themto treat you The same with
respect, care, and love.
So how about we leave it therefor today?
(16:11):
As always, there is a newepisode every Monday on Patreon.
If it wasn't for all you lovelyfolk on Patreon, this podcast
wouldn't happen.
So.
Big shout out to everybodythat's on there.
There's way too many people tomention, but I've actually put
everybody's name into arandomiser so I can give a few
people a shout out.
(16:31):
Let me open the window.
I've got everybody's name pastedinto these, this input thing,
and I click randomise and I cangive a shout out to have a look
at these names.
Anna Heath.
Hello to you, Andrew Dowbakin.
Hope that's how you pronounceyour name, Andrew.
(16:52):
Tijana Mitanoski.
Claire Smith.
Kevin McBean.
Mark, Phil Robinson, Jen, Z.
Somebody who just called Z.
Hello Z.
Sarah Castleton.
Alice Thomas, Fred Gwatkin.
Hello, Fred.
Long time no speak.
Lee C, Abby, Paul Sheraton,Libby Reeves.
Maria Pajaro, Sally McCartney,Dan, Stormzy.
(17:15):
Stormzy, are you Stormzy?
You're not Stormzy.
You are a Stormzy.
Anyway, hello Stormzy, EmmaMapletoft, Tessa Holkham, Karen,
Holly, Jenny Rankin, RyanPuddephatt, Anna Martins, Daniel
and Stewart Wilkes.
I'll leave it there'cause Icould go on forever and that
wouldn't be fair, but thank youto everybody that contributes to
(17:36):
my Patreon.
You're literally saving lives.
You really, really are.
So thank you.
Have a super day everybody, andI'll speak to you all again
very, very soon.
Take care.
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be.
The best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and today you'll learn
all about dependence andcodependence.
(00:24):
And if you are ready, we'llstart the show.
Hello there.
You beautiful people.
How are things with you?
I hope you've been able to copewith all the depressing news
that's around.
It's hard to switch off, isn'tit?
Not impossible, just hard.
(00:47):
But do find alternative ways ofkeeping entertained, please.
There's more things to do thansoak up the news.
I know I'm probably preaching tothe choir here, aren't I?
I mean, the fact that you'relistening to this right now
means you're not listening tothe news, which is great.
I know a lot of you listen onyour drive to or from work, or
(01:10):
at least many of you used to somany folk work from home
nowadays, which might be nicefor you, might not be, I dunno.
I've been working from home forthree or four days a week now
for years, so I'm quite used toit and I quite like it.
It means I can walk outta myoffice and go downstairs
straight into the kitchen andmake the evening meal.
(01:31):
'cause before I worked from homeas much as I do,'cause it used
to only be like twice a week,now it's four days out of five.
The evening meal was always madeby whoever got home first.
It was either the me or thewife.
Now it's pretty much me everynight now.
'cause my commute is like 10seconds.
But.
(01:51):
Oh, I've quite liked it.
I get to provide something formy wife and it means she can do
a workout straight after workfor 45 minutes or whatever
without feeling rushed.
And it's a nice feeling toprovide for her because I love
her.
She's important to me, and I seeher as an extension of myself in
some respect after 30 years ofbeing together.
(02:12):
So if she's happy, I'm happy.
Now, that's not a problem, isit?
Hmm.
Could be if it's exaggerated abit.
In extreme cases, that could bea symptom of codependence.
Although not a personalitydisorder, as such, codependency
is still a big issue, often partof a bigger problem.
(02:34):
But it's sometimes where peoplestart with their therapy.
'cause like I so often say,nothing's a problem unless it
causes one.
Gambling isn't a problem untilit is.
Alcohol isn't a problem unlessit is.
Because some people they canafford to gamble.
In theory, that's not a problem.
(02:55):
Some people can drink every dayand it's not a problem to them
'cause it doesn't do any harm.
They don't get drunk and theystay fairly healthy.
But their next door neighbourcould drink the same amount and
it turns him into a angry manwho smashes windows.
That's a problem and that'salways worth remembering.
Something can look harmless fromthe outside, but if it chips
(03:17):
away at your wellbeing, thenit's a problem.
And even codependence isn'talways problematic.
But if you don't feel as if youare good enough, unless you are
looking after someone, if yoursense of self is so fragile,
that unless you can see evidencein what you do for others, that
(03:37):
you're a good person, it feelsas if you are worthless.
Then that's a problem.
Why does a codependent personbuy two copies of every
self-help book?
One to read and one to pass onto someone who really needs it?
That's sometimes a sign ofcodependence or dependence.
(03:58):
Dependent personality disorderdoes overlap a little bit with
codependence, but when it getsto the level of a personality
disorder, it's not just aboutone person.
It's about everyone in yourlife.
Someone with dependentpersonality disorder needs
constant reassurance from otherpeople.
They need their friends andfamily to make all their
(04:22):
decisions for them, and theyfeel massively isolated and
lonely when they're on theirown.
Whereas Codependence is usuallyabout one person in particular.
Usually it's in a relationshipand it can make it quite
dysfunctional because it's whenboth people depend on it.
(04:42):
'cause it's one thing to be aFlorence Nightingale character
and want to help people.
But if you are constantly drawntowards people who seem to need
help, if you feel the pulltowards the vulnerable little
bird with a broken wing sort ofcharacter all the time and
(05:03):
feeling the need to step in andcontrol their life for them,
then that's not good.
If you feel guilty because youaren't helping them, even though
they haven't even asked for yourhelp, then something's not fair
there.
It could be your sense of selfis based on the effect you have
on the outside world too much.
(05:24):
Rather than just being you,because that should be good
enough whether you're helpingsomeone or not.
So there's a sense of needinessto it.
You need to be helping them, andagain, that's not fair on you
and it's not healthy for them ifyou're in a relationship with
them.
That's the difference betweendependence and codependence.
(05:48):
Joan and Jeff might have a greatrelationship.
But Jeff is constantly needingreassurance that he's doing the
right thing, asking forpermission to make decisions so
that he doesn't feel guilt orregret if he chooses the wrong
car insurance company orwhatever.
Now, as long as Joan reassureshim that it's fine, she trusts
(06:08):
him, then hopefully his sense,his sort of self-esteem, I
guess, can rise up.
And although the two people aredependent on each other.
They're not so enmeshed thatthey feed each other's anxiety.
But if Joan says, I know what'sbest, let me show you what you
need to do, then that couldspoil what could have been a
happy marriage.
(06:29):
Joan develops a personality typeof needing to control
everything, and Jeff'sself-esteem gets lower and
lower.
'cause he's allowed his wife totake control to make all the
decisions for him.
And she thinks she's just doingthe right thing.
'cause she's only trying tohelp.
Sometimes people ask, how do Iknow if I'm just being kind or
(06:52):
if I'm slipping intocodependence?
And that's a fair question.
'cause on the surface they canlook the same.
A good marker is to ask yourselfthree questions.
Do I feel guilty if I don'thelp?
Do I feel like I'm not a goodperson unless I step in?
(07:13):
And am I protecting them fromthe consequences of their
choices, rather than supportingthem to face them?
Because healthy caring haslimits.
It's about being supportivewithout losing yourself, like
offering a lift if you arepassing anyway, not rearranging
your whole day and burningyourself out to make sure that
(07:35):
somebody else is comfortable.
If helping lifts you up andgives you energy that's usually
healthy.
If helping drags you down andleaves you resentful, anxious,
or exhausted, that's when itmight be crossing into
codependence.
If.
(07:55):
Codependence is a phrase thatstarted with family therapy and
substance abuse you see.
Someone who was codependent wasin a relationship with someone
with an addiction and woulddescribe someone who was
supporting the addiction ratherthan supporting the person.
I heard a joke once aboutAl-Anon rather than AA,
Alcoholics Anonymous, which isthere for the person with
(08:18):
alcoholism.
Al-Anon is a support group forpeople whose lives are affected
by other people's drinking.
Anyway, the joke goes.
How can you tell you're at anAl-Anon meeting?
Someone spills their coffee andeveryone gets up to clean it.
I shouldn't laugh, but it's apainfully accurate picture
(08:39):
because they're an enabler.
If someone else makes a mess,they feel the need to clean it
up themselves.
Whatever that mess might be.
And the person in the messbecomes so dependent on them
that they lose their sense ofself, and the codependent
caregiver mixes together loveand pity and become so dependent
(09:00):
on helping that they lose theirsense of self, if they've ever
even had on.
And the two become codependent.
Everything about the enabler isabout self-sacrifice.
Their identity is linked tobeing a martyr, it's their
purpose.
It's where their self-worth is.
(09:21):
So they provide rescue in orderto feel needed, and if they're
not needed, then their sense ofself doesn't exist.
They don't exist, unless they'rerescuing someone.
Unless they're wanted and neededby the other person, then they
feel worthless, and that'sproper dangerous because what if
(09:43):
the other person does have analcohol problem, an addiction
issue, whether that's,substances or gambling.
If the helper gets their senseof self from bailing them out,
covering for them, funding them,then no one's gonna get well.
Until it's pointed out by apodcast that you listen to or
(10:04):
you stumble across an article.
Jeff doesn't stand up and say toJoan, I think you make me worse,
and Joan doesn't say Yeah and Ithink you make me worse too.
Then they've go to couplescounseling to sort it out and
live happily ever after.
But apart from therapy, what canwe do once we've become aware of
(10:25):
all of this?
'cause it is quite common, andit's not just with intimate
relationships either.
It can be in any relationship.
It can mean you give someone alift to work even though it's
well out of your way.
I re-watched Shaun of the Deadrecently.
Very funny, very silly film, mysort of comedy.
If you've seen it, the SimonPegg and Nick Frost characters
(10:47):
are codependent.
Nick Frost doesn't have a joband just dosses on his mate's
sofa playing video games allday, not contributing.
Simon Pegg enables it because,well, he's a mate.
And neither of them can have arelationship with anyone else.
And we fix this with properboundaries, healthy boundaries.
(11:10):
Draw a line between what isreasonable assistance and what
is unreasonable.
If you feel the need to helpsomeone who's been kicked out by
their partner, maybe they kip onyour sofa for two weeks, but
they pay for their own food andthey know they've only got two
weeks to find somewhere to live.
(11:30):
If you feel the need to go outof your way to pick someone up
and take them to work, then tellthem to walk to your house.
Or if you drive past their housenormally, then only pick them up
if they're standing outside,don't wait for them.
That sort of thing.
And I know it's hard to stickto,'cause it might go against
your sense of self.
(11:51):
But if your sense of self isbuilt around putting everyone
else first, then yourself-esteem is gonna soon be at
rock bottom.
And I know it's hard to breakthe habits of a lifetime, but
saying No to others will meansaying Yes to yourself.
And that's a far better habit.
(12:11):
Allow other people to help themas well.
Remind yourself that you aren'tthe only one capable of helping.
And look at other areas of yourlife.
Look for better, healthierrelationships with people.
Remind yourself that you can beliked and appreciated even when
(12:32):
you are not helping someone withsomething.
I remember during my, during mytherapy training, actually this
was back in 2000, I took a jobin an office, which I'd not
really done before.
Before that, my only job was ina warehouse.
I did office work, but I wasalways alone in there, and a lot
of the work was done on thewarehouse floor.
(12:52):
So I blagged my way into thisoffice job.
I got the gift of the gab, toldthem what they needed to hear,
and I talked my way into doingsomething I'd never done before,
which was fine.
But it was at the end of thisfirm's contract with the, the
gas board, I suppose you couldcall them, digging up roads.
And they lost the contract andsomebody else took over, which
means all the staff get movedover to a different company.
(13:15):
The vans all get their logoschanged and it's business as
usual just with a new boss.
And again, I told them what theyneeded to hear, blagged a higher
position.
And even though I'd only knownmy colleagues for a couple of
months and had come in alongsidethem.
Now I'm higher up.
Not much.
Just a, a bit moreresponsibility, a bit more
(13:35):
clout.
Not good if you've got impostersyndrome.
'cause all it does is make youfeel even more of a fraud.
And nowadays, all these yearslater, I can look at it and see
it for exactly what it was.
I knew what I was doing and Iclearly must have had good
communication skills.
I showed my abilities and gotpromoted.
(13:56):
You know, that should boostself-esteem, not lower it.
But I was young and I hadn'tstarted my own therapy by then.
So I tell you all about thisbecause until it was pointed out
to me, I didn't even know I wasdoing this.
But every time I heard somebodygrumble about something.
There'd be an exasperated gasp,a swear word or something at
(14:21):
their computer.
I would stand up and go over tothem to see if I could help.
And it wasn't until I waswriting on a whiteboard and one
of the other managers joked andcame over to me and he held my
hand as I wrote.
Like you would a 2-year-old.
Would you like some help withthat, Richard?
No, I wouldn't.
What?
What you doing, mate?
And he just shook his head andsat down and a few people in the
(14:42):
office piped up.
He's taking the mick outta youmate, because that's what you
do.
And that didn't make sense tome.
That's that, that that's nottrue.
I refuse to believe them.
It had become so ingrained in methat I hadn't noticed it.
And literally within a fewminutes, someone in the office
(15:05):
said, Oh, flipping computer, whyisn't it doing this properly?
And I felt myself start to standup.
It was obvious that they weretalking to themselves.
They were not asking foranybody's help.
But someone liking me.
Being thought of as helpful wassuch a part of who I was, that I
(15:26):
didn't have my own sense of selfwithout it.
It's an old cliche, a message Isay a lot, but it bears
repeating.
Look after yourself.
If you can't look after you,then you're not in a position to
look after anybody else.
Put yourself first.
It is not selfish, and thepeople close to you, treat you
(15:49):
as if it is, then that's notcodependency, that's abuse,
that's bullying.
Showing others through your ownbehaviour that you deserve to be
treated well will encourage themto treat you The same with
respect, care, and love.
So how about we leave it therefor today?
(16:11):
As always, there is a newepisode every Monday on Patreon.
If it wasn't for all you lovelyfolk on Patreon, this podcast
wouldn't happen.
So.
Big shout out to everybodythat's on there.
There's way too many people tomention, but I've actually put
everybody's name into arandomiser so I can give a few
people a shout out.
(16:31):
Let me open the window.
I've got everybody's name pastedinto these, this input thing,
and I click randomise and I cangive a shout out to have a look
at these names.
Anna Heath.
Hello to you, Andrew Dowbakin.
Hope that's how you pronounceyour name, Andrew.
(16:52):
Tijana Mitanoski.
Claire Smith.
Kevin McBean.
Mark, Phil Robinson, Jen, Z.
Somebody who just called Z.
Hello Z.
Sarah Castleton.
Alice Thomas, Fred Gwatkin.
Hello, Fred.
Long time no speak.
Lee C, Abby, Paul Sheraton,Libby Reeves.
Maria Pajaro, Sally McCartney,Dan, Stormzy.
(17:15):
Stormzy, are you Stormzy?
You're not Stormzy.
You are a Stormzy.
Anyway, hello Stormzy, EmmaMapletoft, Tessa Holkham, Karen,
Holly, Jenny Rankin, RyanPuddephatt, Anna Martins, Daniel
and Stewart Wilkes.
I'll leave it there'cause Icould go on forever and that
wouldn't be fair, but thank youto everybody that contributes to
(17:36):
my Patreon.
You're literally saving lives.
You really, really are.
So thank you.
Have a super day everybody, andI'll speak to you all again
very, very soon.
Take care.
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