September 1, 2024 • 17 mins
In his letter from Birmingham Jail in 1963, after being arrested on the rather trumped up charge of marching without a permit, Martin luther king wrote, amongst other things, this quote. he said "There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love" in other words, if you feel disappointed it's only because you care about something.
Join our Evolve to Thrive 6 month programme https://therapynatters.com
Join the Patreon community https://www.patreon.com/richardnicholls
Social Media Links
Bluesky https://bsky.app/profile/richardnicholls.net
Threads https://www.threads.net/@richardnichollsreal
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/richardnichollsreal
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/RichardNichollsAuthor
Youtube https://www.youtube.com/richardnicholls
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Richard (00:02):
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
Podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and this episode is
titled, Disappointment.
(00:23):
and if you're ready, we'll startthe show.
Alright folks, how are youdoing?
Have you had a good summer?
I feel like I'm solar powered,really do enjoy being out in the
sun, so I like this time ofyear.
And if the weather's not good, Ido feel a little bit let down.
Which is a selfishdisappointment, I know, but you
(00:45):
feel what you feel, don't you?
And we've long known theimportance of looking below our
emotions to see what else isdriving it, to see if it's
better placed to help us dealwith bad situations, even the
really bad ones.
In his letter from Birminghamjail in 1963, after being
(01:05):
arrested on the rather trumpedup charge of marching without a
permit, Martin Luther Kingwrote, amongst other things,
this quote.
He said, There can be no deepdisappointment where there is
not deep love.
In other words, if you feeldisappointed, it's only because
(01:26):
you care about something.
I remember when the theatre andarts centre, where I did a lot
of amateur dramatic stuff,closed down.
We had to move to a new venue,which is fine, it's lovely, but
it was really sad to seeeverything being stripped out.
The council said that the placedidn't make enough of a profit
and the space could be put tobetter use.
(01:47):
They had different values, Iguess.
They saw the purpose of art assomething to profit from, rather
than to educate or inspire.
And we still don't know what'sgoing to happen to the drama
group for the kids with specialneeds, or the youth group, or
the art classes, but we'll see.
But it's really disappointing tome.
And the reason it'sdisappointing to me is because I
(02:10):
care about the arts.
Now, you know me, I'm one forfollowing the science, and
studies consistently show thebenefits.
To not just the emotional andintellectual side of what it is
to be human.
But actually even the long termhealth benefits, even the
economy benefits in the long runif we promote art, music and
(02:34):
anything creative.
And I know, from the outsidepeople could easily think that
it's a waste of time because,well, we need houses or
plumbers.
You can't build a house or workas a plumber with an interest in
arts and crafts?
Well, yeah, you can.
How else does an architectpractice their spatial awareness
skills and so on?
Same for plumbers.
(02:55):
I'm disappointed because I careabout the future of the town.
If you're disappointed insomething, something big, maybe,
what's a biggie?
That the UK left the EU, thenit's because you care about
sharing resources and preventingwars and working and studying in
different countries.
If you're disappointed that afriend let you down with
something then it's because youcare about your friendship.
(03:19):
But just because we'redisappointed, it doesn't mean
that you can stop caring.
Disappointment is not a deadend.
It doesn't mean you have to giveup on the thing that you care
about.
I think that because of this,the benefits of being passionate
about something, caring aboutsomething, maybe even being the
(03:39):
optimist who expects everythingto go well all the time.
The benefits of that faroutweigh the pain of sometimes
being disappointed.
Even though disappointment canbe painful, it's still better
than apathy, indifference andnumbness.
When you're disappointed, itmight be easier to accept what
(04:01):
has happened if you can say toyourself, This is because I
care.
And I'm glad I do.
What we don't want is to think,my problem is that I care too
much, I should stop caring.
No, please don't stop caring.
Keep your fire, your enthusiasm,your desires, your wishes, your
(04:22):
hopes, your dreams.
It's good to care.
I think disappointment is a lotlike grief and bereavement.
It's just that we're grievingfor a reality that doesn't
exist.
And so it's hard to let it go,because it's only in our head
anyway.
Often like stuck grief is.
Stuck grief is when theemotional processes of our
brain, our unconscious, can'taccept the new reality we're in.
(04:47):
When disappointed, the realitywe're in doesn't match our
previous expectations and ourbrain doesn't like that.
We like our expectations to bemet.
It makes us anxious when it'snot.
It's like taking the same routeto work every day and then one
day you're suddenly on adiversion because there's a road
closed.
You might still get to work atthe same time as usual, pretty
(05:09):
much.
But the morning doesn't quitefeel the same at first.
Like you got out of bed thewrong side, everything just
feels a bit weird.
And this is at an unconsciouslevel.
A bit like how my wife getsanxious if I've dusted and I've
put an ornament back slightly inthe wrong place.
It just doesn't look right.
To her unconscious mind,something's not quite right.
(05:32):
Now, in extreme cases, that'sOCD or Obsessive Compulsive
Personality Disorder, when theanxiety that something isn't
quite right is so great that youfeel the need to try and control
the external world so you cansatisfy it.
Spoiler! You can't.
In fact, in trying to, itperpetuates the idea that you
(05:53):
need to, which then makes youtry to take even more control,
which still doesn't work in thelong term, and it just gets
worse and worse and worse.
We need to accept our reality,because without the acceptance
of it, we can often bury ouremotions, or try and drown them
out with something that'sunhealthy.
Being dumped, for example,that's a big disappointment.
(06:18):
Especially if their expectationswere that the relationship was
only going to get better withtime.
So, whilst it's mostly okay tohave rebound relationships,
there's nothing wrong in usingintimacy of any kind, especially
sex, to make us feel better.
Just be aware that it's arebound thing, though.
That's all, and don't transferthe feelings that you had for
(06:40):
your previous partner ontoanybody else.
Just enjoy it for what it is,and don't take it too seriously,
unless you consciously want to.
Don't rely on your unconscious,your gut instincts, is what I'm
saying.
Because our instincts, ourunconscious mind, it just wants
familiarity.
(07:00):
I guess we need to sit with ourfeelings and be okay with being
disappointed sometimes.
I've mentioned before about oursense of self, who we are,
coming from our values and thethings that we care about.
If we deny ourselves thosevalues, those opinions, beliefs,
whatever, then we can lose ourself, our sense of who we are.
(07:23):
And we have to care aboutwhatever disappoints us in order
to be true to ourselves.
If we lie to ourselves and justpretend that everything's fine,
it won't actually make it fine.
You can't fool your unconsciousmind.
And if you try, it'll only makeyou feel emptier and emptier as
time goes on.
(07:44):
But if you sit with thedisappointment, understand it,
accept it, your unconscious mindcatches up with reality soon
enough and you can move on fromthe disappointment.
Especially if you can dilute itdown with some experiences that
satisfy your expectations.
It's why people with anxietywill so often watch the same
(08:04):
films over and over again, thesame TV programs, even though
they've seen them a hundredtimes.
It's because they're familiar.
It's because they're predictableand that makes them safe.
Do that if that helps you.
Go for walks in places you'vealready done plenty of times
before.
Don't be bored by familiarity.
(08:26):
Be reassured by it.
Be hugged by it.
People are telling me latelythat they're a bit disappointed
over the state of the UK.
At the moment.
Some of the decisions that havebeen made over the last few
years have really set us back,and yeah, I'm disappointed too,
but hey, what am I going to do?
Leave the country?
No.
Am I disappointed in not movingto New Zealand when my brother
(08:50):
did back in 2008?
Well, maybe, but maybe actuallyI'm just disappointed that
there's been too much emphasisin the UK on supporting the
wealthy rather than helping thepoor.
Well, those values aren't goingto change if I just gave up on
the UK and ran off.
I'd still be disappointed inthat sort of ideology, wouldn't
(09:10):
I?
It's just that I wouldn't bewatching it quite so closely.
But I'd still be watching it!And I'd still be disappointed.
I need to be okay with that.
Because that way, I keep myshape.
If that makes sense.
I live true to who I am.
Am I disappointed that China'sgot fewer human rights?
(09:31):
Yeah.
I'm disappointed that a countryexists where they don't have
freedom of religious expression.
I'm disappointed that they usewhat is, kind of in truth, slave
labour to keep production costsdown.
But there's not much I can doabout it.
I'm close to helpless to changethat.
And I need to accept that.
But in keeping my values, I needto be okay with that
(09:54):
disappointment.
Letting go of the disappointmentwould stop me from being who I
am.
So I embrace the sadness and Ido something better with it.
Give it some direction becauseit's there for a reason.
My brain wants me to takeaction.
Now, I get that there are somethings we can't do anything
(10:14):
about.
We can't rewind time and not betaken advantage of.
We can't rewrite history anymore than change the ending to
Game of Thrones or The UmbrellaAcademy.
Two, apparently, quitedisappointing things according
to most people.
But what we're attached to isthe desire, not the end result,
(10:37):
not the goal itself.
We're not attached to the TVshow that was cancelled, but the
entertainment that it gives us.
And even then it could be atribal thing, a fan thing that
we're attached to, a sense ofbelonging in a tribe that all
have one thing in common, theirlove for a particular TV
program.
It might be the sense ofbelonging that's the desire, and
(11:00):
the TV programme was just ameans to it.
Once you play around with whoyou are and what you want, you
might find that there's a lotmore that can dilute down any
disappointment and turn into anatural sense of loss and
sadness that passes you by.
In not being successful in a jobapplication, after three
(11:24):
interviews for the job of yourdreams, you're going to be
disappointed, of course.
But when you can see it's thejob of your dreams that you're
attached to, not that one job,it allows you to keep the idea
of the job of your dreams inmind so you can attach it to the
next one you apply for.
Because it might be that whatyou're actually desiring is a
(11:45):
reason to go to work every day.
A sense of accomplishment andpurpose, or of value and
significance.
You might even find that thosethings have nothing to do with
your career anyway.
When bumble dates or match.
com meetups seem to go well, yetthe other person says Thanks but
(12:07):
no thanks.
You're going to be disappointed.
That doesn't mean you shouldn'tget your hopes up or not go on
dates again.
But recognize that what you'reattached to there is not
necessarily that one person.
What you are attached to is theidea of a loving relationship.
Well, you can keep that idea,that hope.
(12:29):
Be attached to that, just not tothe person.
Because if they're not that intoyou anyway, they're not going to
be that loving and you won't getyour actual hopes met anyway.
But like I say, don't write offdating.
In fact, we should take more andmore opportunities for things
that help us to achieve ourgoals.
(12:49):
Research has shown that we feelmore disappointed over the
things we haven't done than wedo over the things that we have.
There's quite a famous studyfrom the mid 90s called The
Experience of Regret.
What, when, and why.
That's what it was called.
Which showed that doing thingsthat ultimately go wrong makes
(13:10):
us regret trying them in theshort term, but not doing things
at all makes us regretful in thelong term.
We regret our actions onlytemporarily, but our inactions
permanently.
So we need to take more chances,go on more dates, apply for more
jobs and be true to what it isthat you actually want in life.
(13:31):
So you can hold your shape.
I've used that phrase a fewtimes.
I hope you know what I mean bythe idea of keeping your shape.
I want you to be an authentichuman being.
The real you, who lives by yourwants and needs and not become a
different shape to minimisedisappointment or anxiety.
(13:51):
A fear of regret holds a lot ofpeople back from taking action,
it really does.
I think because, We don't knowhow to handle regrets.
We find it so hard to let go ofthe if onlys.
There was a six part study intoregret once.
Mental contrasting ofcounterfactual fantasies
attenuates disappointment,regret, and resentment.
(14:14):
What a title! In layman's terms,they concluded that by thinking
about the if only situation, Itmakes us feel bad.
If only I got accepted into theuniversity.
If only I'd said I loved themone last time before they died.
That sort of thing.
You ask people to think abouttheir regrets and if only
(14:35):
situations for a while andmeasure their feelings of
disappointment.
Not surprisingly, it makes themfeel worse.
But in half of the participants,They also asked them to think
about the obstacle itself thatprevented it from happening,
like lack of money, or it's toolate, or you can't undo death,
(14:56):
and to go into as much detail asthey can about that.
They even had parents ofchildren that had died through
cot death, asking them to spendsome time thinking about the
what ifs.
If only I'd woken the baby up,it might not have happened, that
sort of thing.
I'm sure they knew what theywere getting into when they
signed up to take part in thestudy, but flippin heck.
(15:19):
The other things were moresimpler things like, if only I
had married that girl, or if Ihad not left school, or if only
that accident hadn't happened.
Which is a bit lighter, but evenon the really significant stuff,
what the researchers found isthat, not surprisingly, Only
(15:39):
concentrating on the what ifsmakes us feel worse.
But if we also spend some timeon the reality of what has
happened, by spending some timesimply saying to ourselves, It
is what it is, and I can't turnback time.
Especially journaling about it,because these participants were
all asked to sit and write, yousee.
(16:01):
It showed across all the studiesthat focusing on our reality
Improves your mood.
If you boil it down, it's simplyacceptance.
But it also shows us somethingwe already know from so many
studies over decades thatemotions like disappointment and
regret are thought based.
(16:23):
A sadness that comes from ourthoughts rather than from a
background unconscious emotionthat comes from personality.
And although we might notrealise it because it's so easy
to dwell and indulge infantasies, We do have more
control over our thoughts thanwe might think.
We just need to push them in theright direction and away from
(16:45):
the what ifs and if onlys.
Right, I've properly overruntoday, so I need to go.
But don't be disappointed.
I'll be back before you know it.
You can find me on Patreon, likeI always say, where This month
we've got topics like disclosingmental health issues, self
sabotage, depression.
(17:06):
I was planning to talk aboutkindness as well and dealing
with entitled people.
I'll see how many I can squeezeinto a month because I think
September is a five Mondaymonth.
Anyway, time to go.
Look me up on Patreon if youlike and I will speak to you
there.
Bye for now, folks.
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
Podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and this episode is
titled, Disappointment.
(00:23):
and if you're ready, we'll startthe show.
Alright folks, how are youdoing?
Have you had a good summer?
I feel like I'm solar powered,really do enjoy being out in the
sun, so I like this time ofyear.
And if the weather's not good, Ido feel a little bit let down.
Which is a selfishdisappointment, I know, but you
(00:45):
feel what you feel, don't you?
And we've long known theimportance of looking below our
emotions to see what else isdriving it, to see if it's
better placed to help us dealwith bad situations, even the
really bad ones.
In his letter from Birminghamjail in 1963, after being
(01:05):
arrested on the rather trumpedup charge of marching without a
permit, Martin Luther Kingwrote, amongst other things,
this quote.
He said, There can be no deepdisappointment where there is
not deep love.
In other words, if you feeldisappointed, it's only because
(01:26):
you care about something.
I remember when the theatre andarts centre, where I did a lot
of amateur dramatic stuff,closed down.
We had to move to a new venue,which is fine, it's lovely, but
it was really sad to seeeverything being stripped out.
The council said that the placedidn't make enough of a profit
and the space could be put tobetter use.
(01:47):
They had different values, Iguess.
They saw the purpose of art assomething to profit from, rather
than to educate or inspire.
And we still don't know what'sgoing to happen to the drama
group for the kids with specialneeds, or the youth group, or
the art classes, but we'll see.
But it's really disappointing tome.
And the reason it'sdisappointing to me is because I
(02:10):
care about the arts.
Now, you know me, I'm one forfollowing the science, and
studies consistently show thebenefits.
To not just the emotional andintellectual side of what it is
to be human.
But actually even the long termhealth benefits, even the
economy benefits in the long runif we promote art, music and
(02:34):
anything creative.
And I know, from the outsidepeople could easily think that
it's a waste of time because,well, we need houses or
plumbers.
You can't build a house or workas a plumber with an interest in
arts and crafts?
Well, yeah, you can.
How else does an architectpractice their spatial awareness
skills and so on?
Same for plumbers.
(02:55):
I'm disappointed because I careabout the future of the town.
If you're disappointed insomething, something big, maybe,
what's a biggie?
That the UK left the EU, thenit's because you care about
sharing resources and preventingwars and working and studying in
different countries.
If you're disappointed that afriend let you down with
something then it's because youcare about your friendship.
(03:19):
But just because we'redisappointed, it doesn't mean
that you can stop caring.
Disappointment is not a deadend.
It doesn't mean you have to giveup on the thing that you care
about.
I think that because of this,the benefits of being passionate
about something, caring aboutsomething, maybe even being the
(03:39):
optimist who expects everythingto go well all the time.
The benefits of that faroutweigh the pain of sometimes
being disappointed.
Even though disappointment canbe painful, it's still better
than apathy, indifference andnumbness.
When you're disappointed, itmight be easier to accept what
(04:01):
has happened if you can say toyourself, This is because I
care.
And I'm glad I do.
What we don't want is to think,my problem is that I care too
much, I should stop caring.
No, please don't stop caring.
Keep your fire, your enthusiasm,your desires, your wishes, your
(04:22):
hopes, your dreams.
It's good to care.
I think disappointment is a lotlike grief and bereavement.
It's just that we're grievingfor a reality that doesn't
exist.
And so it's hard to let it go,because it's only in our head
anyway.
Often like stuck grief is.
Stuck grief is when theemotional processes of our
brain, our unconscious, can'taccept the new reality we're in.
(04:47):
When disappointed, the realitywe're in doesn't match our
previous expectations and ourbrain doesn't like that.
We like our expectations to bemet.
It makes us anxious when it'snot.
It's like taking the same routeto work every day and then one
day you're suddenly on adiversion because there's a road
closed.
You might still get to work atthe same time as usual, pretty
(05:09):
much.
But the morning doesn't quitefeel the same at first.
Like you got out of bed thewrong side, everything just
feels a bit weird.
And this is at an unconsciouslevel.
A bit like how my wife getsanxious if I've dusted and I've
put an ornament back slightly inthe wrong place.
It just doesn't look right.
To her unconscious mind,something's not quite right.
(05:32):
Now, in extreme cases, that'sOCD or Obsessive Compulsive
Personality Disorder, when theanxiety that something isn't
quite right is so great that youfeel the need to try and control
the external world so you cansatisfy it.
Spoiler! You can't.
In fact, in trying to, itperpetuates the idea that you
(05:53):
need to, which then makes youtry to take even more control,
which still doesn't work in thelong term, and it just gets
worse and worse and worse.
We need to accept our reality,because without the acceptance
of it, we can often bury ouremotions, or try and drown them
out with something that'sunhealthy.
Being dumped, for example,that's a big disappointment.
(06:18):
Especially if their expectationswere that the relationship was
only going to get better withtime.
So, whilst it's mostly okay tohave rebound relationships,
there's nothing wrong in usingintimacy of any kind, especially
sex, to make us feel better.
Just be aware that it's arebound thing, though.
That's all, and don't transferthe feelings that you had for
(06:40):
your previous partner ontoanybody else.
Just enjoy it for what it is,and don't take it too seriously,
unless you consciously want to.
Don't rely on your unconscious,your gut instincts, is what I'm
saying.
Because our instincts, ourunconscious mind, it just wants
familiarity.
(07:00):
I guess we need to sit with ourfeelings and be okay with being
disappointed sometimes.
I've mentioned before about oursense of self, who we are,
coming from our values and thethings that we care about.
If we deny ourselves thosevalues, those opinions, beliefs,
whatever, then we can lose ourself, our sense of who we are.
(07:23):
And we have to care aboutwhatever disappoints us in order
to be true to ourselves.
If we lie to ourselves and justpretend that everything's fine,
it won't actually make it fine.
You can't fool your unconsciousmind.
And if you try, it'll only makeyou feel emptier and emptier as
time goes on.
(07:44):
But if you sit with thedisappointment, understand it,
accept it, your unconscious mindcatches up with reality soon
enough and you can move on fromthe disappointment.
Especially if you can dilute itdown with some experiences that
satisfy your expectations.
It's why people with anxietywill so often watch the same
(08:04):
films over and over again, thesame TV programs, even though
they've seen them a hundredtimes.
It's because they're familiar.
It's because they're predictableand that makes them safe.
Do that if that helps you.
Go for walks in places you'vealready done plenty of times
before.
Don't be bored by familiarity.
(08:26):
Be reassured by it.
Be hugged by it.
People are telling me latelythat they're a bit disappointed
over the state of the UK.
At the moment.
Some of the decisions that havebeen made over the last few
years have really set us back,and yeah, I'm disappointed too,
but hey, what am I going to do?
Leave the country?
No.
Am I disappointed in not movingto New Zealand when my brother
(08:50):
did back in 2008?
Well, maybe, but maybe actuallyI'm just disappointed that
there's been too much emphasisin the UK on supporting the
wealthy rather than helping thepoor.
Well, those values aren't goingto change if I just gave up on
the UK and ran off.
I'd still be disappointed inthat sort of ideology, wouldn't
(09:10):
I?
It's just that I wouldn't bewatching it quite so closely.
But I'd still be watching it!And I'd still be disappointed.
I need to be okay with that.
Because that way, I keep myshape.
If that makes sense.
I live true to who I am.
Am I disappointed that China'sgot fewer human rights?
(09:31):
Yeah.
I'm disappointed that a countryexists where they don't have
freedom of religious expression.
I'm disappointed that they usewhat is, kind of in truth, slave
labour to keep production costsdown.
But there's not much I can doabout it.
I'm close to helpless to changethat.
And I need to accept that.
But in keeping my values, I needto be okay with that
(09:54):
disappointment.
Letting go of the disappointmentwould stop me from being who I
am.
So I embrace the sadness and Ido something better with it.
Give it some direction becauseit's there for a reason.
My brain wants me to takeaction.
Now, I get that there are somethings we can't do anything
(10:14):
about.
We can't rewind time and not betaken advantage of.
We can't rewrite history anymore than change the ending to
Game of Thrones or The UmbrellaAcademy.
Two, apparently, quitedisappointing things according
to most people.
But what we're attached to isthe desire, not the end result,
(10:37):
not the goal itself.
We're not attached to the TVshow that was cancelled, but the
entertainment that it gives us.
And even then it could be atribal thing, a fan thing that
we're attached to, a sense ofbelonging in a tribe that all
have one thing in common, theirlove for a particular TV
program.
It might be the sense ofbelonging that's the desire, and
(11:00):
the TV programme was just ameans to it.
Once you play around with whoyou are and what you want, you
might find that there's a lotmore that can dilute down any
disappointment and turn into anatural sense of loss and
sadness that passes you by.
In not being successful in a jobapplication, after three
(11:24):
interviews for the job of yourdreams, you're going to be
disappointed, of course.
But when you can see it's thejob of your dreams that you're
attached to, not that one job,it allows you to keep the idea
of the job of your dreams inmind so you can attach it to the
next one you apply for.
Because it might be that whatyou're actually desiring is a
(11:45):
reason to go to work every day.
A sense of accomplishment andpurpose, or of value and
significance.
You might even find that thosethings have nothing to do with
your career anyway.
When bumble dates or match.
com meetups seem to go well, yetthe other person says Thanks but
(12:07):
no thanks.
You're going to be disappointed.
That doesn't mean you shouldn'tget your hopes up or not go on
dates again.
But recognize that what you'reattached to there is not
necessarily that one person.
What you are attached to is theidea of a loving relationship.
Well, you can keep that idea,that hope.
(12:29):
Be attached to that, just not tothe person.
Because if they're not that intoyou anyway, they're not going to
be that loving and you won't getyour actual hopes met anyway.
But like I say, don't write offdating.
In fact, we should take more andmore opportunities for things
that help us to achieve ourgoals.
(12:49):
Research has shown that we feelmore disappointed over the
things we haven't done than wedo over the things that we have.
There's quite a famous studyfrom the mid 90s called The
Experience of Regret.
What, when, and why.
That's what it was called.
Which showed that doing thingsthat ultimately go wrong makes
(13:10):
us regret trying them in theshort term, but not doing things
at all makes us regretful in thelong term.
We regret our actions onlytemporarily, but our inactions
permanently.
So we need to take more chances,go on more dates, apply for more
jobs and be true to what it isthat you actually want in life.
(13:31):
So you can hold your shape.
I've used that phrase a fewtimes.
I hope you know what I mean bythe idea of keeping your shape.
I want you to be an authentichuman being.
The real you, who lives by yourwants and needs and not become a
different shape to minimisedisappointment or anxiety.
(13:51):
A fear of regret holds a lot ofpeople back from taking action,
it really does.
I think because, We don't knowhow to handle regrets.
We find it so hard to let go ofthe if onlys.
There was a six part study intoregret once.
Mental contrasting ofcounterfactual fantasies
attenuates disappointment,regret, and resentment.
(14:14):
What a title! In layman's terms,they concluded that by thinking
about the if only situation, Itmakes us feel bad.
If only I got accepted into theuniversity.
If only I'd said I loved themone last time before they died.
That sort of thing.
You ask people to think abouttheir regrets and if only
(14:35):
situations for a while andmeasure their feelings of
disappointment.
Not surprisingly, it makes themfeel worse.
But in half of the participants,They also asked them to think
about the obstacle itself thatprevented it from happening,
like lack of money, or it's toolate, or you can't undo death,
(14:56):
and to go into as much detail asthey can about that.
They even had parents ofchildren that had died through
cot death, asking them to spendsome time thinking about the
what ifs.
If only I'd woken the baby up,it might not have happened, that
sort of thing.
I'm sure they knew what theywere getting into when they
signed up to take part in thestudy, but flippin heck.
(15:19):
The other things were moresimpler things like, if only I
had married that girl, or if Ihad not left school, or if only
that accident hadn't happened.
Which is a bit lighter, but evenon the really significant stuff,
what the researchers found isthat, not surprisingly, Only
(15:39):
concentrating on the what ifsmakes us feel worse.
But if we also spend some timeon the reality of what has
happened, by spending some timesimply saying to ourselves, It
is what it is, and I can't turnback time.
Especially journaling about it,because these participants were
all asked to sit and write, yousee.
(16:01):
It showed across all the studiesthat focusing on our reality
Improves your mood.
If you boil it down, it's simplyacceptance.
But it also shows us somethingwe already know from so many
studies over decades thatemotions like disappointment and
regret are thought based.
(16:23):
A sadness that comes from ourthoughts rather than from a
background unconscious emotionthat comes from personality.
And although we might notrealise it because it's so easy
to dwell and indulge infantasies, We do have more
control over our thoughts thanwe might think.
We just need to push them in theright direction and away from
(16:45):
the what ifs and if onlys.
Right, I've properly overruntoday, so I need to go.
But don't be disappointed.
I'll be back before you know it.
You can find me on Patreon, likeI always say, where This month
we've got topics like disclosingmental health issues, self
sabotage, depression.
(17:06):
I was planning to talk aboutkindness as well and dealing
with entitled people.
I'll see how many I can squeezeinto a month because I think
September is a five Mondaymonth.
Anyway, time to go.
Look me up on Patreon if youlike and I will speak to you
there.
Bye for now, folks.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.