Ego States

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Carl Jung once said " those who look outside dream, those who look inside awaken." And if you've ever seen an analytical Psychotherapist you'll know what he meant.
One way of learning what makes us tick is through a concept called Ego States.

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Episode Transcript

Richard (00:00):
Hey there everyone.
Today we're going to have alittle look at something from
transactional analysis calledEgo States.
The basic idea is that we canbreak our personality down into
three different states, parent,adult and child.
And I dunno about you, but I canbe all three depending on who

(00:21):
I'm with.
I think most people are likethat, which is why it can feel a
bit weird when differentfriendship groups start mixing.
You know that odd feeling whenyour work friends meet your old
schoolmates and suddenly youdunno how to be.
People can come across likethey've got multiple
personalities.
But it's totally normal.
It's a bit like having a mentalwardrobe full of different

(00:45):
outfits, except these outfitsare ways of thinking, feeling,
and behaving.
So let's open the wardrobe.
First up, we've got the parentego state.
This is like your internal mumor dad voice, the stuff you've
absorbed from authority figuresgrowing up.

(01:06):
Sometimes it's comforting.
And supportive, like, Don'tforget your coat love.
Other times it's more critical.
You are not seriously going outlooking like that are you?
Either way, it's the voicethat's in your head that can
guide you or guilt trip you.
Next, there's the child egostate.

(01:27):
This is where all your earlyemotions and memories hang out.
Ever found yourself feelingplayful, giggly, sulky, or even
throwing a bit of a tantrum?
That is your child ego showingup.
And I noticed this at a 20 yearschool reunion once I was 36.

(01:48):
It was a while ago, but beingback with those people again
made me feel 16.
Like I've been zapped back intime just by walking through the
door.
Our brains are funny like that.
They go, Oh yeah.
I remember who I'm supposed tobe in this setting.
And then there's the adult egostate.
That's your rational, logicalself.

(02:10):
It's not interested in what yourparents used to say or what your
inner child feels like doing.
It just wants to look at thefacts and make sensible
decisions.
It's the part of you that says,Okay, what's actually going on
here and what do we need to doabout it?
And these ego states aren't justhanging around passively.
They talk to each other.

(02:30):
Sometimes they might argue likeyou're having some internal
group chat going on.
Let's say you're trying to eathealthily and your adult goes,
Okay, dinner's gonna besomething nutritious and
balanced, something healthy.
And then your inner child putsin with Hobnobs.
I want some Hobnobs first.

(02:50):
And then your parent steps inand says, Well, you know, you've
been healthy all week.
Couple of biscuits isn't gonnahurt you.
So now you've got some miniinternal debate about biscuits
going on in your head.
And that's what we mean when wesay that ego states interact
with each other.
And ideally they work with eachother, not against.
'cause you don't want yourcritical parent running the show

(03:11):
all the time, or your childcalling the shots 24 7.
Either.
It needs to be balanced.
Good mental health often comesfrom that adult part being in
the driving seat though.
Listening to the others, but notbeing bossed around by them.
And knowing all of this can helpwith communication as well.
If you can spot which ego statesomebody else is in, you can

(03:35):
respond in a way that keepsthings smoother.
Say you are a manager, and a lotof managers will slip into
parent mode when they're leadinga team, and that can go one of
two ways.
You might be a nurturing parentwho's supportive, encouraging,
patient.
Or you might turn into acritical one.

(03:56):
Barking orders expectingperfection.
Now, when you go into parentmode, it can push the other
person into child mode, and thatcould be a cooperative child who
wants to please, but it might bea rebellious child, the one that
thinks Don't tell me what to doand deliberately drags their
feet.
Or an adapted child who'sanxious, guilty or overly eager

(04:20):
to avoid conflict.
And the truth is, you don'talways know which one you're
going to get.
Ideally, in a healthy workrelationship, both people are in
adult mode speakingrespectfully, listening, problem
solving, but that takesawareness.
It takes being able to say Hangon, I'm slipping into parent

(04:42):
here, or I think they're feelinga bit criticised.
I need to shift how I'mapproaching this.
It's also worth reflecting onyour own past.
What was your child ego statelike growing up?
Were you playful and free, orwere you more serious head in a
book, following the rules?
Were you rebellious?

(05:03):
Did you act one way at home andanother at school?
And a different version of youwith each group of people?
That's all still inside of you.
Those early patterns shape howwe show up today, but the more
you understand them, the morechoice you have over when to
wear which outfit from thatwardrobe.

(05:24):
Because we do move in and out ofego states all day long.
One minute we're being rationaland grounded, and the next,
we're feeling like we're sixyears old again, or sounding
just like our parents withoutmeaning to.
And that's not a problem, it'sjust part of being human.
But knowing what's going ongives you the power to respond

(05:45):
instead of just reacting.
Right.
Gotta go.
I knew I wouldn't be able to getthis all into five minutes
today.
There's a heck of a lot moreabout this on Patreon if you
want to find me on there.
Either way, I'll speak to younext time.
Take care.