August 1, 2024 • 14 mins
Often people will talk about the need to disappear away for a bit to "find themselves" when actually they already knew where they were they just didn't "know" themselves.
Well, maybe we don't need to climb a mountain or hide in a retreat for a week to do this. Maybe we can get to really know ourselves a little bit more every day until we're fully clued up.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Richard (00:02):
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and this episode is
titled Getting to Know Yourself.
(00:23):
And if you're ready, We'll startthe show.
All right there, folks, how areyou doing?
I often start these episodes bysaying something like, how are
you doing?
Sometimes start therapy sessionslike that as well, actually.
And therapy is a great place tobe able to actually answer it
(00:44):
properly and not just say, oh,fine, how are you?
I mean, clients will say thatout of habit, but, you know,
we're not sitting in a pubhaving a chin wag.
I'm genuinely interested in howthey've been feeling.
And after a few sessions,they've hopefully got a bit more
emotional awareness and cananswer a bit more honestly.
(01:05):
Or rather with a bit moreunderstanding because they've
been getting to know themselvesa bit more through the therapy.
And this is something that wecan all benefit from it really
is.
Actually asking yourself eachday, How am I?
And not just saying crap andleaving it at that.
(01:27):
Now, it might start with justcrap or bad, but by spending a
bit more time thinking about it,you might be able to identify
more important feelings.
Because if you don't really knowhow you feel, then you don't
know what you want.
And if you don't know what youwant, then you don't know what
to do.
And if you don't know what todo, then you'll just play along
(01:49):
with old habits and routinesthat don't make you feel any
better and may have even beenthe reason for feeling a bit
crappy in the first place.
So ask yourself, How am I doing?
Maybe your body feels a bittight.
Maybe your back is painful oryour stomach feels a bit queasy.
(02:10):
What does that mean for you?
Is that a stressed feeling, anoverwhelm, a lonely feeling?
What is it to you?
Emotions are called feelings fora reason, aren't they?
We feel them in our body, in ourheart rate, in our breathing.
Crikey, I work on a Thursday ina health clinic.
People go in there with problemswith their muscles, their back,
(02:32):
their hips.
And after they've got morecomfortable with the therapist,
they can often burst into tearswhen they're having a physical
manipulation.
An osteopathy treatment.
Because their brain associatescertain areas of the body with
their emotions.
My mate Pete will pull or pushon someone's leg or something
(02:53):
and ask them about how it feelsand their brain goes, you feel
like a five year old being toldoff by the teacher because, for
whatever reason, Their body heldon to that feeling there.
We're a complicated species, andif anyone claims to fully
understand us, they're eitherexaggerating, or deluded, or
(03:15):
they're trying to sell yousomething.
So, when you ask yourself, Howam I doing?
Check your body as well as youremotions.
If you listen to my hypnosistracks, you'll often hear me go
through a body scan to help yourelax.
Starting at the top of yourhead, working your way down, all
(03:36):
the way down to the tips of yourtoes, that sort of thing.
And it's something that Isuggest to probably all of my
clients that they do as often asthey can.
Every day would be great.
But it doesn't have to always bethis 20 minute relaxation
session that they practice everyday.
You can literally spend fiveminutes before you start the day
(03:58):
getting to know yourself andyour body well by asking, How am
I doing?
You close your eyes and sitstill for a few moments and
start at the top of your head,work your way downwards and
outwards, down to your toes, outto your fingertips, and check
how you're feeling.
(04:18):
You'll know how to better treatyour body for a start if you
know it well.
Maybe your body is trying totell you something, you see.
Maybe you feel like a five yearold being told off by a teacher.
Maybe you feel like a rejectedfriend or an unlovable idiot.
Explore it without judgement.
(04:39):
See if you're holding resentmentor impatience.
Be as curious with yourself andhow you feel as I would be if I
was asking you how you're reallydoing.
Be curious and see what yourbody and mind tells you.
And then check in with yourthoughts.
Cognitive behavioural therapymay have a bad reputation for
(05:03):
being oversimplified andrejecting of our experiences,
but that's only because for mostpeople it's a sticking plaster
of a therapy, or probably abetter analogy would be a pain
killer.
The problems that cause the painmight still be there and could
get worse, but for now you canlearn to ignore it and you can
function in life, which for alot of people is all the
(05:24):
Psychoeducation that they needso that they can heal and live a
happy, happily ever after sortof life.
And of course that's not alwaysgoing to help everyone, but the
relationship with thinking,feeling and behaving is useful
to learn about.
The way we think influences theway that we feel, and the way we
(05:44):
feel influences the things thatwe do, and that influences the
way that we think, and so on andso on.
So if we have some automaticthoughts, that unless we sit
still for a few moments andlisten for them, they're unknown
to you, then make them known.
Listen to your thoughts.
(06:04):
And again, do so as if you werea therapist asking you what
you're thinking.
But you're just getting to knowyourself.
Remember, don't try to do toomuch work on yourself when you
do this.
There's a time and a place forthat.
And that might mean morereflective journaling or
something if you're not seeing atherapist to talk to about that.
And that is useful.
(06:24):
Please do all of that sort ofthing at some point.
You do need to bring what isunconscious into your
consciousness.
Because if you don't, as the oldphrase goes, it will direct your
life and you will just call itfate.
And to get started with that,for now, take a few moments of
calm before you start your dayand just get to know your
(06:46):
thoughts.
If they're self critical, thenaccept that.
Don't argue.
Accepting negative things aboutyou doesn't make them right.
It doesn't make them acceptable.
It just means that you'reacknowledging what you think and
how you feel.
Like I say so often, with thatacceptance of what's going on,
(07:07):
comes greater understanding.
And the more that you understandabout yourself, the easier it's
going to be to make any changesthat you need to make, but take
it slowly.
Be realistic.
Just check in with your thoughtsfor a minute and be curious
about what you're thinking.
Even if you have to say, Thanks,brain.
(07:29):
I totally understand why you'dthink that.
Thanks for letting me know.
Even if you know that itshouldn't, you really shouldn't
be thinking these things becausethey're not true.
Because the more that you dothis, the easier it's going to
be to hear those thoughts, feelthose feelings, and get to
really know yourself.
And if you do it with curiosityrather than judgement, then you
(07:50):
can learn what's called to, todifferentiate yourself from
those thoughts and feelings.
You begin to see them assomething separate from who you
actually are.
You become more than that, thanjust your thoughts and feelings.
Which makes them easier tochallenge when the time's right.
So if you're going to start yourday with a few moments
(08:14):
meditating like this, and I meanmeditate not in a ritualistic or
Buddhist spiritualist sense, butto simply become aware of
yourself and to watch it almostlike an observer would, and
you're asking yourself thesethings about how you're feeling.
In your mind, and in your body,and what you're thinking, you're
(08:37):
in a much better place to planyour day accordingly.
Because you know it's going tobe easier to figure out your
needs.
Because like I said, once youknow what you want You can make
a plan about what to do withyourself, whether that's in the
short term or the long term.
You can make a plan, but youneed to know what you want and
(08:58):
need first.
And you can't do that unless youlook at how you feel first to
see what, if anything, needs tochange.
And if you've never doneanything like this before, it
might feel a bit weird,especially if you've had a
lifetime of never really knowingyourself or not being kind to
(09:18):
yourself, you might haveexperienced a lifetime aversion
to being kind to yourself.
A lot of people have, especiallymen.
For so many blokes the idea ofkindness to yourself is actually
quite scary.
Terrifying to some, it's seen asweak, wimpy, feminine.
(09:39):
But to not embrace that It meansto embrace treating yourself
cruelly or judgmentally, like acritical parent or something,
and that needs to stop.
So if it makes it easier, whenyou've spent some time going
through your body, looking forhow it feels, spend a few
moments examining your thoughtsand what you're thinking.
(10:01):
To look at what you need, itmight be easier to imagine it's
as if it's someone else you'reasking.
If you're doing this properlyyou've still got your eyes
closed, so it's easier to useyour imagination.
Well, imagine it's somebody elseyou're asking.
A younger version of you, maybe.
Or someone else that you wouldautomatically be kind and more
(10:24):
understanding with.
Maybe a child, you know, orsomething.
Just someone that it would beeasier to respect.
If that's something that youstruggle with, self respect.
And ask them what they need, tohelp them with the feelings that
you've found.
Now, obviously, this is going tobe different for absolutely
everybody.
(10:44):
But common feelings that come upwhen people do this are fight or
flight based stuff.
There's, you know, anger, fear.
Maybe we feel forgotten,ignored, unloved or something.
So ask, what do you need to helpyou with that ignored feeling?
(11:07):
Or what do you need to help youwith that anger?
See what comes up.
Do they need to be validated?
Understood?
Heard?
Do they need to share something?
Say something?
Do something?
Do they need connections?
Belongingness?
Attention?
(11:28):
Do they need somethingpractical?
Because that's the next bit.
Once you know more about how youfeel and what you need you can
start nudging yourself in theright direction with the
behaviours that lead ontohealthier thoughts.
And a healthier mindset leadsonto healthier feelings, which
makes it easier to continue withhealthier behaviours.
(11:49):
And so on and so on, around andaround it goes.
So, do you need to practicesaying no to somebody?
Or saying yes to somebody?
Or saying anything to somebody?
Do you need to switch off thenews?
Uninstall Facebook from yourphone.
Stop doom scrolling and startfiltering your world for the
(12:11):
good things.
The reasons to say, actually,yeah, it is a great day to be
alive.
Do you need to re watch a TVshow that you really like or
watch your favourite film?
Do you need to meal plan for theweek?
And I know that sounds a bitboring, working out on a Sunday
night what you'll have for teathe following Saturday.
(12:33):
But if you fail to plan, thenyou plan to fail, don't you?
And that's why pot noodlesexist.
So, do you just need a rest?
Do you need to tell someone thatyou need a rest?
Do you need to go for a walk,catch up with an old friend, or
share a stupid joke on WhatsAppwith some people that you've not
chatted with for a little while,because you think that they
(12:53):
don't really want to hear fromyou anyway.
Well, prove that wrong.
Do you need to exercise?
Stretch?
Have an early night?
Do you need to listen to theSandman on Audible whilst doing
a Where's Wally jigsaw?
Which, if you're an audio geeklike me, The audio engineering
in the Sandman series isincredible.
Really enjoying the Netflixseries because I loved the
(13:15):
graphic novels, but theaudiobooks, jeez, they're
gorgeous.
But I didn't know I would enjoythat, until I got to know
myself.
I wouldn't have appreciated thatstuff if all I thought I still
wanted was six pints of Stella,a pork pie and some Bacon Fries,
which 20 odd years ago I thoughtthat was all I needed to get my
(13:36):
needs met.
But I know better now.
Get to know yourself, even if itis just for five minutes each
morning.
It's five minutes that couldsave you hours of therapy in the
long run, so please don't thinkthat it's not worth the time.
I know that for a lot of peopleall of this might seem alien,
might seem hard, might seem asif it would take up too much of
(13:58):
your morning.
When actually you've got thingsto do, but genuinely by
incorporating these into yourmorning for what, five minutes,
it can really help guide you inthe right direction.
Might only be a little nudge,but like I always say, once
you're facing in the rightdirection and you're on a
different path, it might notseem like a different direction
(14:20):
with a different destinationuntil you've taken quite a few
steps.
Just stick with it and you'llsee the difference in yourself.
So, you do that for a littlewhile if you like, share the
concept with others if youdon't, or both.
Do it yourself and share it withothers.
And I'll be back at some pointon here or on Patreon to follow
(14:41):
up on it, nag you, make surethat you're keeping up with all
of this.
So, have a super month,everybody.
Ta ra!
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and this episode is
titled Getting to Know Yourself.
(00:23):
And if you're ready, We'll startthe show.
All right there, folks, how areyou doing?
I often start these episodes bysaying something like, how are
you doing?
Sometimes start therapy sessionslike that as well, actually.
And therapy is a great place tobe able to actually answer it
(00:44):
properly and not just say, oh,fine, how are you?
I mean, clients will say thatout of habit, but, you know,
we're not sitting in a pubhaving a chin wag.
I'm genuinely interested in howthey've been feeling.
And after a few sessions,they've hopefully got a bit more
emotional awareness and cananswer a bit more honestly.
(01:05):
Or rather with a bit moreunderstanding because they've
been getting to know themselvesa bit more through the therapy.
And this is something that wecan all benefit from it really
is.
Actually asking yourself eachday, How am I?
And not just saying crap andleaving it at that.
(01:27):
Now, it might start with justcrap or bad, but by spending a
bit more time thinking about it,you might be able to identify
more important feelings.
Because if you don't really knowhow you feel, then you don't
know what you want.
And if you don't know what youwant, then you don't know what
to do.
And if you don't know what todo, then you'll just play along
(01:49):
with old habits and routinesthat don't make you feel any
better and may have even beenthe reason for feeling a bit
crappy in the first place.
So ask yourself, How am I doing?
Maybe your body feels a bittight.
Maybe your back is painful oryour stomach feels a bit queasy.
(02:10):
What does that mean for you?
Is that a stressed feeling, anoverwhelm, a lonely feeling?
What is it to you?
Emotions are called feelings fora reason, aren't they?
We feel them in our body, in ourheart rate, in our breathing.
Crikey, I work on a Thursday ina health clinic.
People go in there with problemswith their muscles, their back,
(02:32):
their hips.
And after they've got morecomfortable with the therapist,
they can often burst into tearswhen they're having a physical
manipulation.
An osteopathy treatment.
Because their brain associatescertain areas of the body with
their emotions.
My mate Pete will pull or pushon someone's leg or something
(02:53):
and ask them about how it feelsand their brain goes, you feel
like a five year old being toldoff by the teacher because, for
whatever reason, Their body heldon to that feeling there.
We're a complicated species, andif anyone claims to fully
understand us, they're eitherexaggerating, or deluded, or
(03:15):
they're trying to sell yousomething.
So, when you ask yourself, Howam I doing?
Check your body as well as youremotions.
If you listen to my hypnosistracks, you'll often hear me go
through a body scan to help yourelax.
Starting at the top of yourhead, working your way down, all
(03:36):
the way down to the tips of yourtoes, that sort of thing.
And it's something that Isuggest to probably all of my
clients that they do as often asthey can.
Every day would be great.
But it doesn't have to always bethis 20 minute relaxation
session that they practice everyday.
You can literally spend fiveminutes before you start the day
(03:58):
getting to know yourself andyour body well by asking, How am
I doing?
You close your eyes and sitstill for a few moments and
start at the top of your head,work your way downwards and
outwards, down to your toes, outto your fingertips, and check
how you're feeling.
(04:18):
You'll know how to better treatyour body for a start if you
know it well.
Maybe your body is trying totell you something, you see.
Maybe you feel like a five yearold being told off by a teacher.
Maybe you feel like a rejectedfriend or an unlovable idiot.
Explore it without judgement.
(04:39):
See if you're holding resentmentor impatience.
Be as curious with yourself andhow you feel as I would be if I
was asking you how you're reallydoing.
Be curious and see what yourbody and mind tells you.
And then check in with yourthoughts.
Cognitive behavioural therapymay have a bad reputation for
(05:03):
being oversimplified andrejecting of our experiences,
but that's only because for mostpeople it's a sticking plaster
of a therapy, or probably abetter analogy would be a pain
killer.
The problems that cause the painmight still be there and could
get worse, but for now you canlearn to ignore it and you can
function in life, which for alot of people is all the
(05:24):
Psychoeducation that they needso that they can heal and live a
happy, happily ever after sortof life.
And of course that's not alwaysgoing to help everyone, but the
relationship with thinking,feeling and behaving is useful
to learn about.
The way we think influences theway that we feel, and the way we
(05:44):
feel influences the things thatwe do, and that influences the
way that we think, and so on andso on.
So if we have some automaticthoughts, that unless we sit
still for a few moments andlisten for them, they're unknown
to you, then make them known.
Listen to your thoughts.
(06:04):
And again, do so as if you werea therapist asking you what
you're thinking.
But you're just getting to knowyourself.
Remember, don't try to do toomuch work on yourself when you
do this.
There's a time and a place forthat.
And that might mean morereflective journaling or
something if you're not seeing atherapist to talk to about that.
And that is useful.
(06:24):
Please do all of that sort ofthing at some point.
You do need to bring what isunconscious into your
consciousness.
Because if you don't, as the oldphrase goes, it will direct your
life and you will just call itfate.
And to get started with that,for now, take a few moments of
calm before you start your dayand just get to know your
(06:46):
thoughts.
If they're self critical, thenaccept that.
Don't argue.
Accepting negative things aboutyou doesn't make them right.
It doesn't make them acceptable.
It just means that you'reacknowledging what you think and
how you feel.
Like I say so often, with thatacceptance of what's going on,
(07:07):
comes greater understanding.
And the more that you understandabout yourself, the easier it's
going to be to make any changesthat you need to make, but take
it slowly.
Be realistic.
Just check in with your thoughtsfor a minute and be curious
about what you're thinking.
Even if you have to say, Thanks,brain.
(07:29):
I totally understand why you'dthink that.
Thanks for letting me know.
Even if you know that itshouldn't, you really shouldn't
be thinking these things becausethey're not true.
Because the more that you dothis, the easier it's going to
be to hear those thoughts, feelthose feelings, and get to
really know yourself.
And if you do it with curiosityrather than judgement, then you
(07:50):
can learn what's called to, todifferentiate yourself from
those thoughts and feelings.
You begin to see them assomething separate from who you
actually are.
You become more than that, thanjust your thoughts and feelings.
Which makes them easier tochallenge when the time's right.
So if you're going to start yourday with a few moments
(08:14):
meditating like this, and I meanmeditate not in a ritualistic or
Buddhist spiritualist sense, butto simply become aware of
yourself and to watch it almostlike an observer would, and
you're asking yourself thesethings about how you're feeling.
In your mind, and in your body,and what you're thinking, you're
(08:37):
in a much better place to planyour day accordingly.
Because you know it's going tobe easier to figure out your
needs.
Because like I said, once youknow what you want You can make
a plan about what to do withyourself, whether that's in the
short term or the long term.
You can make a plan, but youneed to know what you want and
(08:58):
need first.
And you can't do that unless youlook at how you feel first to
see what, if anything, needs tochange.
And if you've never doneanything like this before, it
might feel a bit weird,especially if you've had a
lifetime of never really knowingyourself or not being kind to
(09:18):
yourself, you might haveexperienced a lifetime aversion
to being kind to yourself.
A lot of people have, especiallymen.
For so many blokes the idea ofkindness to yourself is actually
quite scary.
Terrifying to some, it's seen asweak, wimpy, feminine.
(09:39):
But to not embrace that It meansto embrace treating yourself
cruelly or judgmentally, like acritical parent or something,
and that needs to stop.
So if it makes it easier, whenyou've spent some time going
through your body, looking forhow it feels, spend a few
moments examining your thoughtsand what you're thinking.
(10:01):
To look at what you need, itmight be easier to imagine it's
as if it's someone else you'reasking.
If you're doing this properlyyou've still got your eyes
closed, so it's easier to useyour imagination.
Well, imagine it's somebody elseyou're asking.
A younger version of you, maybe.
Or someone else that you wouldautomatically be kind and more
(10:24):
understanding with.
Maybe a child, you know, orsomething.
Just someone that it would beeasier to respect.
If that's something that youstruggle with, self respect.
And ask them what they need, tohelp them with the feelings that
you've found.
Now, obviously, this is going tobe different for absolutely
everybody.
(10:44):
But common feelings that come upwhen people do this are fight or
flight based stuff.
There's, you know, anger, fear.
Maybe we feel forgotten,ignored, unloved or something.
So ask, what do you need to helpyou with that ignored feeling?
(11:07):
Or what do you need to help youwith that anger?
See what comes up.
Do they need to be validated?
Understood?
Heard?
Do they need to share something?
Say something?
Do something?
Do they need connections?
Belongingness?
Attention?
(11:28):
Do they need somethingpractical?
Because that's the next bit.
Once you know more about how youfeel and what you need you can
start nudging yourself in theright direction with the
behaviours that lead ontohealthier thoughts.
And a healthier mindset leadsonto healthier feelings, which
makes it easier to continue withhealthier behaviours.
(11:49):
And so on and so on, around andaround it goes.
So, do you need to practicesaying no to somebody?
Or saying yes to somebody?
Or saying anything to somebody?
Do you need to switch off thenews?
Uninstall Facebook from yourphone.
Stop doom scrolling and startfiltering your world for the
(12:11):
good things.
The reasons to say, actually,yeah, it is a great day to be
alive.
Do you need to re watch a TVshow that you really like or
watch your favourite film?
Do you need to meal plan for theweek?
And I know that sounds a bitboring, working out on a Sunday
night what you'll have for teathe following Saturday.
(12:33):
But if you fail to plan, thenyou plan to fail, don't you?
And that's why pot noodlesexist.
So, do you just need a rest?
Do you need to tell someone thatyou need a rest?
Do you need to go for a walk,catch up with an old friend, or
share a stupid joke on WhatsAppwith some people that you've not
chatted with for a little while,because you think that they
(12:53):
don't really want to hear fromyou anyway.
Well, prove that wrong.
Do you need to exercise?
Stretch?
Have an early night?
Do you need to listen to theSandman on Audible whilst doing
a Where's Wally jigsaw?
Which, if you're an audio geeklike me, The audio engineering
in the Sandman series isincredible.
Really enjoying the Netflixseries because I loved the
(13:15):
graphic novels, but theaudiobooks, jeez, they're
gorgeous.
But I didn't know I would enjoythat, until I got to know
myself.
I wouldn't have appreciated thatstuff if all I thought I still
wanted was six pints of Stella,a pork pie and some Bacon Fries,
which 20 odd years ago I thoughtthat was all I needed to get my
(13:36):
needs met.
But I know better now.
Get to know yourself, even if itis just for five minutes each
morning.
It's five minutes that couldsave you hours of therapy in the
long run, so please don't thinkthat it's not worth the time.
I know that for a lot of peopleall of this might seem alien,
might seem hard, might seem asif it would take up too much of
(13:58):
your morning.
When actually you've got thingsto do, but genuinely by
incorporating these into yourmorning for what, five minutes,
it can really help guide you inthe right direction.
Might only be a little nudge,but like I always say, once
you're facing in the rightdirection and you're on a
different path, it might notseem like a different direction
(14:20):
with a different destinationuntil you've taken quite a few
steps.
Just stick with it and you'llsee the difference in yourself.
So, you do that for a littlewhile if you like, share the
concept with others if youdon't, or both.
Do it yourself and share it withothers.
And I'll be back at some pointon here or on Patreon to follow
(14:41):
up on it, nag you, make surethat you're keeping up with all
of this.
So, have a super month,everybody.
Ta ra!
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.