December 1, 2025 • 20 mins
Understanding a little bit about the effects of different parenting styles can really help us understand ourselves better. As well as help us to understand others.
Let's have a peek into some of the basics shall we?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Parenting - Helicopters vs (00:02):
And hello to you and welcome to the
Richard Nichols podcast, thepersonal development podcast
series that's here to helpinspire, educate, and motivate
you to be the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and today you'll learn
a little bit about parenting.
(00:23):
And if you are ready, we'llstart the show.
Good day people.
How are you all doing?
Have you got your Christmasdecks up yet?
Don't blame you if you have.
Don't blame you if you haven't.
You do you, I was chatting to myson last week.
(00:43):
He's away at uni in a YoungOne's type house with a lovely
group of folk and they've hadtheir decorations up since
probably mid-November, and I didquestion the need to put them up
so soon and he said.
Well, we're all going back toour parents for Christmas and
New Year, so if we didn't getfestive here now, we wouldn't at
(01:06):
all.
And I thought, oh yeah, ofcourse.
And so then driving around mytown, seeing so many people with
their lights on outside of thehouse, even though it was still
only November, I was able topush away any judgment about it
because you never really knowthe reasons why people want to
(01:27):
do the things the way they do.
We don't know other people'sstories, do we?
And who's opinion is that reallyanyway?
Is it yours?
Is it your parents?
As with so many things in life,often what we think of as our
own ideas and opinions.
They're nothing more than handme downs from our parents
(01:48):
anyway.
That's just what we do aschildren.
We absorb and respond toeverything that we experience.
It's no surprise that a hugemajority of people that come to
therapy have issues relating totheir childhood and in
particular the way that theywere treated by their parents,
who in some cases, genuinelythought that they were doing the
(02:12):
right thing.
Over the years, I've had a lotof emails asking me to talk
about parenting, but as thereare already so many specific
parenting podcasts already outthere, I've tended to avoid the
topic.
Think I've only spoken about itonce on here'cause it seems a
bit preachy for a parent to talkabout parenting.
(02:34):
Like I must be the perfect dador something as if I know the
secrets.
Well, actually, parenting is oneof those things where good
enough needs to be good enough,and also is quite a specific
topic really.
A lot of listeners either don'thave kids, don't want them, or
they've had them already and nowthose kids are old enough to not
(02:55):
need parenting anymore.
One thing I need to remember andso do you maybe if you ever
think a podcast topic isn'trelevant for you, my strap line,
even back in the old MotivateYourself days has always been
about guiding, teaching andinspiring.
I say inspire, educate, motivatenowadays, don't I?
(03:19):
But teaching and educating hasalways been a part of this.
So, even if you think that sometopics aren't useful for you to
help you to understand yourself,they'll be useful to helping you
to understand others.
And if those others are your ownparents, well maybe that can
then help you to understandyourself too.
(03:41):
So that's why you've got anepisode about parenting today,
whether you like it or not.
So.
Let's step back into a timemachine for a few minutes back
to the sixties.
Let's meet renowned psychologistDiana Baumrind.
Diana Baumrind started the ballrolling into the psychology of
(04:02):
parenting with her threeparenting style descriptions of
authoritarian, permissive, andauthoritative.
With authoritarian meaning toohard.
Permissive meaning too soft andAuthoritative meaning just
right.
They've been expanded over theyears now to include more
(04:24):
neglectful styles.
Baumrind didn't really take theextremes of bad parenting into
account.
She was more interested inchallenging whether corporal
punishment was damaging or not.
Whether it's okay to smack yourkids.
'Cause there was so muchconflicting evidence about
(04:44):
hitting children beingneglectful or not.
And people still sit on thefence nowadays about that.
Although even back then in thesixties, it was said that even
though mild spanking was notnecessarily linked to creating
problems in people.
It wasn't linked to any benefitseither.
(05:06):
And anyone who was hit as achild seems to say the same
thing that they turned out okay,even though they were hit.
They don't say they turned outokay because they were hit.
But people do sit on the fenceabout it.
'cause in some cultures,particularly in African American
(05:28):
households for example, it wasexpected that if you did
something wrong, you'd get awhooping.
And it didn't mean that your mumdidn't love you.
But if you're brought up in asociety where kids don't come to
school and describe how they gota whooping the night before
because they'd been caught, Idon't know, playing on the
(05:48):
railway lines or something, thenthe meaning behind being smacked
by your parents is different.
It suggests that there issomething different about you
compared to your friends, andthat does have implications on
personality development.
It goes to show humans are messyand complicated creatures.
(06:11):
So let's have a quick look atDiana Baundrind's early styles,
and we can compare it then tosome of the less academic
labeling that we might talkabout nowadays.
So Baundrind's authoritarianstyle was the extreme that had,
very strict rules, harshpunishments.
(06:32):
That's when the child doesn'thave any input over what the
rules are and what anypunishment might be.
Children growing up in that sortof environment feel quite
powerless.
Very often that can result inlower self-esteem, which can
have all sorts of implicationsin later life, obviously.
On the other end of the scale,we see a permissive parenting
(06:56):
style that has very few, if any,rules or punishments.
Where parents don't reallydemand or even expect anything
from their children, and thatcan make the children quite
anxious because there are noboundaries.
It can make the children feelmore responsible for their lives
than they should feel whenthey're still very, very young.
(07:19):
And so, at that age, we needsomebody to help guide them.
So in the middle we've got theGoldilocks zone, we've got the
authoritative style of parentingwhere rules are set, and
punishment is expected if therules are broken, but the child
feels safe enough to be able toask for a compromise, and the
(07:40):
parents are flexible enough andresponsive enough.
And I think that's the keythere.
They respond well to their childand that child's needs.
And yeah, the parents do havethe final say over things and
the kid knows that.
But those children are listenedto, they're understood.
(08:04):
They feel a sense of empowermentand control.
At least as much as isappropriate for their age
anyway.
This style of parenting islinked to higher self-esteem
with greater maturity, greaterself-reliance.
But a caveat here, there's thatphrase I go back to often,
(08:24):
correlation does not implycausation.
We can't do studies that forceparenting styles just to see
what happens to the kids alongthe way.
That's unethical, obviously.
So all we have is a correlation,and maybe there's something
genetic at play here.
We know that half of ourpersonalities in our genes from
all of the twin studies thathave been done over the years,
(08:46):
and maybe there's something insome children's genes that
causes some behaviour problems.
Which can lead to some childrenneeding stricter rules than
others do.
Especially when, obviously,there's gonna be shared genes
too.
And if both parents and childare predisposed to not being
(09:07):
very good at compromise, ifstubbornness is genetic, then of
course it's gonna be difficult.
So these were the early stylesand neglectful was eventually
added, but I think not until the1980s, rather bizarrely.
Probably'cause neglect was notreally thought of as a style of
(09:27):
parenting.
It was more a style of not beingparented at all.
And these have been expandedupon massively over the years.
We now hear about child centeredparenting, nurturant parenting,
over parenting, alloparenting.
And then we've got these weirdnames that feel like they should
(09:47):
be in a nature documentary.
We've got Dolphin Parenting,Tiger Parenting.
And then Helicopter andBulldozer parenting.
And from a parent's perspective,I think these two are the most
interesting to look at in a 15minute podcast episode, which
I'm sure is gonna probably endup being more like 20 this time.
So helicopter parenting reallymeans over parenting, having too
(10:12):
much control over the children'slives, and bulldozer parenting
is similar, but much worse.
So by helicopter parenting, it'smeant to suggest that the parent
is constantly hovering overheadon the lookout for what's not
being done right.
So a helicopter parent wouldknow when their kid's homework
(10:33):
was due in and they'd be thereto remind them that they hadn't
done it yet.
They'd notice if their kids hadnot got their PE kit ready on
the right day.
And they don't let them takeresponsibility for things
themselves.
And I know some of you mighthave just winced a little bit
'cause you might have seenyourself in there somewhat.
I get it, but it's not helpfuland I know it's tempting as a
(10:56):
parent to try and take charge ofeverything.
But it very often backfires.
Research suggests thathelicopter parenting contributes
to increased anxiety, anincreased fear of failure among
children.
By constantly swooping in torescue them from challenges
we're actually preventing themfrom developing any resilience
(11:18):
and problem solving skills.
And bulldozer parenting is evenworse.
People call it that, orsometimes snowplow parenting,
it's called from time to time.
'cause that's the sort ofparenting when a parent removes
any obstacles that are in thechild's way, so that everything
is a simple track to walkthrough.
(11:39):
Now, don't get me wrong, makeyour life easier for the people
that you care about.
That's a good thing, butpreventing them from learning
how to deal with obstacles isn'tgood.
As with the swooping in of thehelicopter parent, stopping the
development of resilience isn'tgood.
Parents like this are inconstant contact with the kids'
(12:02):
school to make sure that thosekids are being rewarded and
praised.
Maybe writing notes to excusethem from things that sort of
parenting.
And that style is kind ofrunning backwards.
It's the wrong way round.
Instead of preparing the roadfor the kid, you need to prepare
the kid for the road.
(12:23):
And it's a hard habit to stop,but stop we must.
'cause if you don't stop oncethey get to school, it's even
harder once they get to college.
And if you don't stop when theyget to college, it's gonna be
even harder when they go off touniversity.
Even harder still once they'vestarted work.
And I have met lots of peopleover the years who do speak to
(12:45):
their adult children's bossabout things.
And it's no surprise that bothparent and child have anxiety
issues.
The thing is, if we micromanageour children and we snowplow
everything difficult out of theway for them, it teaches them
one very nasty message that theyare nothing without their
(13:06):
parents.
That's the message.
You are nothing without me.
Yet, of course no one wants toactually say that no one means
to explicitly say You arenothing without me.
But that's the way the kid feelsfor their whole life sometimes.
'cause it can create a dependentpersonality trait or dependent
(13:29):
personality disorder if thingsare taken too far, which can
absolutely ruin somebody's life.
'cause parents aren't alwaysgoing to be there for their
kids.
That's not how our societyworks, is it?
So when parents aren't there,they're not in the right place
to encourage and give support,children feel unable to summon
(13:52):
up the prodding and encouragingthemselves.
I do wonder though, sometimes ifwhen we have children, we don't
all fall into the trap ofwanting to live our own life
through our kids to some degree.
I know, I do.
I'm quite envious of my son'syouth and his time that he's
got, he's got his whole lifeahead of him and so many
(14:13):
opportunities.
And if I ever find myself aboutto say the words, I know what
you wanna do, mate.
I have to stop and remind myselfthat I might not know what he
wants.
Going back a long way.
I remember him starting drumlessons at school.
I think he was 10, long timeago.
(14:33):
And after a while I asked him ifhe'd like his own drum kit.
Would playing drums be somethinghe'd like to do more?
Well, yeah, of course.
A 10-year-old with a drum kit inhis bedroom who'd say no?
And it was electronic so hecould use headphones.
Wasn't as good as a real drumkit to play, but much better to
tolerate from a room away, I'lltell you that much.
(14:54):
Well, he soon became veryuninterested because in truth,
he wasn't that interested in thefirst place.
I was.
I'd have loved to have been hisage again and learned to play
the drums.
There have been many things thatI felt the urge to force upon
him, and when I've told clientsthese stories, they understand
(15:15):
themselves or their parents thatlittle bit better, and maybe you
need that too.
Interestingly, I didn't suggesthe studied psychology, which he
did at A level and then starteda uni degree in it, he just
figured that it was a usefuldegree that could help him
further down the line once heknew what he wanted to do in
life.
But when he was choosing his ALevels, I remember encouraging
(15:37):
him to look at his strengths andhe did really well in his GCSE,
so he could pretty much chooseany subject that he wanted to do
as long as it didn't clash withany of the other ones in the
college timetable.
And I do remember suggestingEnglish literature and history,
those are subjects that interestme.
(15:59):
Literature because, deep down,I'd have loved to get better at
creative writing and been anovelist.
I love stories.
I'm literally telling you onenow and history probably for the
same reason.
It combines my love of storieswith my interest in people and
cause and effect.
It's a great way to learn aboutthe mistakes that people have
(16:21):
made over the years so as toprevent them in the future and
explains so much about who weare as a society.
Again, these are things thatinterest me, not him quite so
much.
So, actually no.
Dad, I'm, I'm not gonna doEnglish literature, not gonna
study history because that wasmy thing, not his.
(16:45):
Back in 2020 when we all lockeddown.
I suggested he take advantage ofsome of his free time.
I found him a, a graphic designcourse'cause he was interested
in art as a hobby, just not thatinterested in graphic design, it
seemed.
And I felt a bit let down.
Oh, well let's find himsomething else.
I found him an online courseabout sign language.
(17:06):
Would he like to do that?
No.
No, not at all.
Why would he?
He was 15 and at the time he gotno interest in childcare, deaf
kids or not.
He just wasn't interested.
But I was, when I was young.
I wanted to play the drums.
When I was a kid, I wanted to bean author.
(17:27):
I wanted to learn sign language,and now he's wasting his time by
not living my life for me.
No, he's living his own life andhe's doing the things that he's
interested in.
It's gonna mean that the thingsthat he practices get learned.
That's how we develop skills.
We repeat things that we enjoy.
(17:49):
That's the difference betweenwhat we call intrinsic
motivation and extrinsicmotivation.
Intrinsic meaning your innerdesires drive you forward and
extrinsic is when outside forcesare the motivating factor.
And we all know what it's liketo be pushed into something.
And at any age, people are farmore likely to succeed at
(18:11):
something if it's because theywant to do it rather than if you
want them to do it.
So fan the flames of theirexisting passions.
Don't try and light a new fireunder them if there's no fuel in
the first place.
Interestingly, a year into myson studying psychology at uni,
he found he wasn't as interestedin it as he thought, and he
(18:33):
switched courses and he's now inhis final year studying creative
writing and history, and he'sloving it because he chose to do
it.
Maybe I did give him the fuel,but he needed to light it when
he was good and ready.
I'll end on something here thatI found quite interesting, both
as a parent and as a therapist,'cause they do have something in
(18:55):
common.
I've noticed over the years,both parents and therapists have
the same goal, which is to putourselves out of a job.
Now, like I say, parenting is ahuge topic and very specific,
but if today has stirredsomething for you, if you are
interested in more, then thereare plenty of parenting podcasts
(19:19):
around to listen to soak themup.
But you might find that a lot ofparenting is about psychology,
especially attachment theoryobviously.
Which hopefully you're prettyclued up about by now.
'cause I do go on aboutattachment theory quite a lot in
these episodes, especially ifyou are a patron of mine on
Patreon.
(19:40):
And if you are, click on thecollections tab.
You'll see there are three veryspecific episodes about
attachment theory that I made acouple of years ago.
It's only an hour's worth ofaudio, but you might find it
really interesting.
So let's leave that there fortoday.
Enjoy your week, and as always,I'll be back with a short bonus
(20:01):
episode on Friday and on Patreonwith full episodes every single
Monday.
I will speak to you then, if notbefore.
See ya.
And hello to you and welcome to the
Richard Nichols podcast, thepersonal development podcast
series that's here to helpinspire, educate, and motivate
you to be the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and today you'll learn
a little bit about parenting.
(00:23):
And if you are ready, we'llstart the show.
Good day people.
How are you all doing?
Have you got your Christmasdecks up yet?
Don't blame you if you have.
Don't blame you if you haven't.
You do you, I was chatting to myson last week.
(00:43):
He's away at uni in a YoungOne's type house with a lovely
group of folk and they've hadtheir decorations up since
probably mid-November, and I didquestion the need to put them up
so soon and he said.
Well, we're all going back toour parents for Christmas and
New Year, so if we didn't getfestive here now, we wouldn't at
(01:06):
all.
And I thought, oh yeah, ofcourse.
And so then driving around mytown, seeing so many people with
their lights on outside of thehouse, even though it was still
only November, I was able topush away any judgment about it
because you never really knowthe reasons why people want to
(01:27):
do the things the way they do.
We don't know other people'sstories, do we?
And who's opinion is that reallyanyway?
Is it yours?
Is it your parents?
As with so many things in life,often what we think of as our
own ideas and opinions.
They're nothing more than handme downs from our parents
(01:48):
anyway.
That's just what we do aschildren.
We absorb and respond toeverything that we experience.
It's no surprise that a hugemajority of people that come to
therapy have issues relating totheir childhood and in
particular the way that theywere treated by their parents,
who in some cases, genuinelythought that they were doing the
(02:12):
right thing.
Over the years, I've had a lotof emails asking me to talk
about parenting, but as thereare already so many specific
parenting podcasts already outthere, I've tended to avoid the
topic.
Think I've only spoken about itonce on here'cause it seems a
bit preachy for a parent to talkabout parenting.
(02:34):
Like I must be the perfect dador something as if I know the
secrets.
Well, actually, parenting is oneof those things where good
enough needs to be good enough,and also is quite a specific
topic really.
A lot of listeners either don'thave kids, don't want them, or
they've had them already and nowthose kids are old enough to not
(02:55):
need parenting anymore.
One thing I need to remember andso do you maybe if you ever
think a podcast topic isn'trelevant for you, my strap line,
even back in the old MotivateYourself days has always been
about guiding, teaching andinspiring.
I say inspire, educate, motivatenowadays, don't I?
(03:19):
But teaching and educating hasalways been a part of this.
So, even if you think that sometopics aren't useful for you to
help you to understand yourself,they'll be useful to helping you
to understand others.
And if those others are your ownparents, well maybe that can
then help you to understandyourself too.
(03:41):
So that's why you've got anepisode about parenting today,
whether you like it or not.
So.
Let's step back into a timemachine for a few minutes back
to the sixties.
Let's meet renowned psychologistDiana Baumrind.
Diana Baumrind started the ballrolling into the psychology of
(04:02):
parenting with her threeparenting style descriptions of
authoritarian, permissive, andauthoritative.
With authoritarian meaning toohard.
Permissive meaning too soft andAuthoritative meaning just
right.
They've been expanded over theyears now to include more
(04:24):
neglectful styles.
Baumrind didn't really take theextremes of bad parenting into
account.
She was more interested inchallenging whether corporal
punishment was damaging or not.
Whether it's okay to smack yourkids.
'Cause there was so muchconflicting evidence about
(04:44):
hitting children beingneglectful or not.
And people still sit on thefence nowadays about that.
Although even back then in thesixties, it was said that even
though mild spanking was notnecessarily linked to creating
problems in people.
It wasn't linked to any benefitseither.
(05:06):
And anyone who was hit as achild seems to say the same
thing that they turned out okay,even though they were hit.
They don't say they turned outokay because they were hit.
But people do sit on the fenceabout it.
'cause in some cultures,particularly in African American
(05:28):
households for example, it wasexpected that if you did
something wrong, you'd get awhooping.
And it didn't mean that your mumdidn't love you.
But if you're brought up in asociety where kids don't come to
school and describe how they gota whooping the night before
because they'd been caught, Idon't know, playing on the
(05:48):
railway lines or something, thenthe meaning behind being smacked
by your parents is different.
It suggests that there issomething different about you
compared to your friends, andthat does have implications on
personality development.
It goes to show humans are messyand complicated creatures.
(06:11):
So let's have a quick look atDiana Baundrind's early styles,
and we can compare it then tosome of the less academic
labeling that we might talkabout nowadays.
So Baundrind's authoritarianstyle was the extreme that had,
very strict rules, harshpunishments.
(06:32):
That's when the child doesn'thave any input over what the
rules are and what anypunishment might be.
Children growing up in that sortof environment feel quite
powerless.
Very often that can result inlower self-esteem, which can
have all sorts of implicationsin later life, obviously.
On the other end of the scale,we see a permissive parenting
(06:56):
style that has very few, if any,rules or punishments.
Where parents don't reallydemand or even expect anything
from their children, and thatcan make the children quite
anxious because there are noboundaries.
It can make the children feelmore responsible for their lives
than they should feel whenthey're still very, very young.
(07:19):
And so, at that age, we needsomebody to help guide them.
So in the middle we've got theGoldilocks zone, we've got the
authoritative style of parentingwhere rules are set, and
punishment is expected if therules are broken, but the child
feels safe enough to be able toask for a compromise, and the
(07:40):
parents are flexible enough andresponsive enough.
And I think that's the keythere.
They respond well to their childand that child's needs.
And yeah, the parents do havethe final say over things and
the kid knows that.
But those children are listenedto, they're understood.
(08:04):
They feel a sense of empowermentand control.
At least as much as isappropriate for their age
anyway.
This style of parenting islinked to higher self-esteem
with greater maturity, greaterself-reliance.
But a caveat here, there's thatphrase I go back to often,
(08:24):
correlation does not implycausation.
We can't do studies that forceparenting styles just to see
what happens to the kids alongthe way.
That's unethical, obviously.
So all we have is a correlation,and maybe there's something
genetic at play here.
We know that half of ourpersonalities in our genes from
all of the twin studies thathave been done over the years,
(08:46):
and maybe there's something insome children's genes that
causes some behaviour problems.
Which can lead to some childrenneeding stricter rules than
others do.
Especially when, obviously,there's gonna be shared genes
too.
And if both parents and childare predisposed to not being
(09:07):
very good at compromise, ifstubbornness is genetic, then of
course it's gonna be difficult.
So these were the early stylesand neglectful was eventually
added, but I think not until the1980s, rather bizarrely.
Probably'cause neglect was notreally thought of as a style of
(09:27):
parenting.
It was more a style of not beingparented at all.
And these have been expandedupon massively over the years.
We now hear about child centeredparenting, nurturant parenting,
over parenting, alloparenting.
And then we've got these weirdnames that feel like they should
(09:47):
be in a nature documentary.
We've got Dolphin Parenting,Tiger Parenting.
And then Helicopter andBulldozer parenting.
And from a parent's perspective,I think these two are the most
interesting to look at in a 15minute podcast episode, which
I'm sure is gonna probably endup being more like 20 this time.
So helicopter parenting reallymeans over parenting, having too
(10:12):
much control over the children'slives, and bulldozer parenting
is similar, but much worse.
So by helicopter parenting, it'smeant to suggest that the parent
is constantly hovering overheadon the lookout for what's not
being done right.
So a helicopter parent wouldknow when their kid's homework
(10:33):
was due in and they'd be thereto remind them that they hadn't
done it yet.
They'd notice if their kids hadnot got their PE kit ready on
the right day.
And they don't let them takeresponsibility for things
themselves.
And I know some of you mighthave just winced a little bit
'cause you might have seenyourself in there somewhat.
I get it, but it's not helpfuland I know it's tempting as a
(10:56):
parent to try and take charge ofeverything.
But it very often backfires.
Research suggests thathelicopter parenting contributes
to increased anxiety, anincreased fear of failure among
children.
By constantly swooping in torescue them from challenges
we're actually preventing themfrom developing any resilience
(11:18):
and problem solving skills.
And bulldozer parenting is evenworse.
People call it that, orsometimes snowplow parenting,
it's called from time to time.
'cause that's the sort ofparenting when a parent removes
any obstacles that are in thechild's way, so that everything
is a simple track to walkthrough.
(11:39):
Now, don't get me wrong, makeyour life easier for the people
that you care about.
That's a good thing, butpreventing them from learning
how to deal with obstacles isn'tgood.
As with the swooping in of thehelicopter parent, stopping the
development of resilience isn'tgood.
Parents like this are inconstant contact with the kids'
(12:02):
school to make sure that thosekids are being rewarded and
praised.
Maybe writing notes to excusethem from things that sort of
parenting.
And that style is kind ofrunning backwards.
It's the wrong way round.
Instead of preparing the roadfor the kid, you need to prepare
the kid for the road.
(12:23):
And it's a hard habit to stop,but stop we must.
'cause if you don't stop oncethey get to school, it's even
harder once they get to college.
And if you don't stop when theyget to college, it's gonna be
even harder when they go off touniversity.
Even harder still once they'vestarted work.
And I have met lots of peopleover the years who do speak to
(12:45):
their adult children's bossabout things.
And it's no surprise that bothparent and child have anxiety
issues.
The thing is, if we micromanageour children and we snowplow
everything difficult out of theway for them, it teaches them
one very nasty message that theyare nothing without their
(13:06):
parents.
That's the message.
You are nothing without me.
Yet, of course no one wants toactually say that no one means
to explicitly say You arenothing without me.
But that's the way the kid feelsfor their whole life sometimes.
'cause it can create a dependentpersonality trait or dependent
(13:29):
personality disorder if thingsare taken too far, which can
absolutely ruin somebody's life.
'cause parents aren't alwaysgoing to be there for their
kids.
That's not how our societyworks, is it?
So when parents aren't there,they're not in the right place
to encourage and give support,children feel unable to summon
(13:52):
up the prodding and encouragingthemselves.
I do wonder though, sometimes ifwhen we have children, we don't
all fall into the trap ofwanting to live our own life
through our kids to some degree.
I know, I do.
I'm quite envious of my son'syouth and his time that he's
got, he's got his whole lifeahead of him and so many
(14:13):
opportunities.
And if I ever find myself aboutto say the words, I know what
you wanna do, mate.
I have to stop and remind myselfthat I might not know what he
wants.
Going back a long way.
I remember him starting drumlessons at school.
I think he was 10, long timeago.
(14:33):
And after a while I asked him ifhe'd like his own drum kit.
Would playing drums be somethinghe'd like to do more?
Well, yeah, of course.
A 10-year-old with a drum kit inhis bedroom who'd say no?
And it was electronic so hecould use headphones.
Wasn't as good as a real drumkit to play, but much better to
tolerate from a room away, I'lltell you that much.
(14:54):
Well, he soon became veryuninterested because in truth,
he wasn't that interested in thefirst place.
I was.
I'd have loved to have been hisage again and learned to play
the drums.
There have been many things thatI felt the urge to force upon
him, and when I've told clientsthese stories, they understand
(15:15):
themselves or their parents thatlittle bit better, and maybe you
need that too.
Interestingly, I didn't suggesthe studied psychology, which he
did at A level and then starteda uni degree in it, he just
figured that it was a usefuldegree that could help him
further down the line once heknew what he wanted to do in
life.
But when he was choosing his ALevels, I remember encouraging
(15:37):
him to look at his strengths andhe did really well in his GCSE,
so he could pretty much chooseany subject that he wanted to do
as long as it didn't clash withany of the other ones in the
college timetable.
And I do remember suggestingEnglish literature and history,
those are subjects that interestme.
(15:59):
Literature because, deep down,I'd have loved to get better at
creative writing and been anovelist.
I love stories.
I'm literally telling you onenow and history probably for the
same reason.
It combines my love of storieswith my interest in people and
cause and effect.
It's a great way to learn aboutthe mistakes that people have
(16:21):
made over the years so as toprevent them in the future and
explains so much about who weare as a society.
Again, these are things thatinterest me, not him quite so
much.
So, actually no.
Dad, I'm, I'm not gonna doEnglish literature, not gonna
study history because that wasmy thing, not his.
(16:45):
Back in 2020 when we all lockeddown.
I suggested he take advantage ofsome of his free time.
I found him a, a graphic designcourse'cause he was interested
in art as a hobby, just not thatinterested in graphic design, it
seemed.
And I felt a bit let down.
Oh, well let's find himsomething else.
I found him an online courseabout sign language.
(17:06):
Would he like to do that?
No.
No, not at all.
Why would he?
He was 15 and at the time he gotno interest in childcare, deaf
kids or not.
He just wasn't interested.
But I was, when I was young.
I wanted to play the drums.
When I was a kid, I wanted to bean author.
(17:27):
I wanted to learn sign language,and now he's wasting his time by
not living my life for me.
No, he's living his own life andhe's doing the things that he's
interested in.
It's gonna mean that the thingsthat he practices get learned.
That's how we develop skills.
We repeat things that we enjoy.
(17:49):
That's the difference betweenwhat we call intrinsic
motivation and extrinsicmotivation.
Intrinsic meaning your innerdesires drive you forward and
extrinsic is when outside forcesare the motivating factor.
And we all know what it's liketo be pushed into something.
And at any age, people are farmore likely to succeed at
(18:11):
something if it's because theywant to do it rather than if you
want them to do it.
So fan the flames of theirexisting passions.
Don't try and light a new fireunder them if there's no fuel in
the first place.
Interestingly, a year into myson studying psychology at uni,
he found he wasn't as interestedin it as he thought, and he
(18:33):
switched courses and he's now inhis final year studying creative
writing and history, and he'sloving it because he chose to do
it.
Maybe I did give him the fuel,but he needed to light it when
he was good and ready.
I'll end on something here thatI found quite interesting, both
as a parent and as a therapist,'cause they do have something in
(18:55):
common.
I've noticed over the years,both parents and therapists have
the same goal, which is to putourselves out of a job.
Now, like I say, parenting is ahuge topic and very specific,
but if today has stirredsomething for you, if you are
interested in more, then thereare plenty of parenting podcasts
(19:19):
around to listen to soak themup.
But you might find that a lot ofparenting is about psychology,
especially attachment theoryobviously.
Which hopefully you're prettyclued up about by now.
'cause I do go on aboutattachment theory quite a lot in
these episodes, especially ifyou are a patron of mine on
Patreon.
(19:40):
And if you are, click on thecollections tab.
You'll see there are three veryspecific episodes about
attachment theory that I made acouple of years ago.
It's only an hour's worth ofaudio, but you might find it
really interesting.
So let's leave that there fortoday.
Enjoy your week, and as always,I'll be back with a short bonus
(20:01):
episode on Friday and on Patreonwith full episodes every single
Monday.
I will speak to you then, if notbefore.
See ya.
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