The Burdens We Carry

Send us a text

It's World Mental Health Day today, a good day to challenge some old beliefs that have been holding us back.
Sometimes what you think is “just how I am” is actually a hand-me-down. And when you realise that, you get to choose whether to keep something or let it go.

Support the show

Join our Evolve to Thrive 6 month programme https://therapynatters.com

Join the Patreon community https://www.patreon.com/richardnicholls

Social Media Links

Bluesky https://bsky.app/profile/richardnicholls.net

Threads https://www.threads.net/@richardnichollsreal

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/richardnichollsreal

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/RichardNichollsAuthor

Youtube https://www.youtube.com/richardnicholls

TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@richardnichollsauthor

X https://x.com/richardnicholls

Episode Transcript

Richard (00:00):
Happy Friday podcast listeners.
Hope you are well.
I'm having half a day's holidaytoday.
After I've done this, I'm gonnago and spend the afternoon with
my wife because she's got theday off.
She's tidying out the garage'cause we've had a little bit of
work done in there and it's abit of a mess.
So she's tidying it all up.
Seems to be a bit of that aboutat the minute.

(00:21):
There's a lot of that in theair.
The other week I was helping myfather-in-law go through a load
of stuff in his garage and,well, let's say there was a lot
of junk, we're talking, old jamjars full of screws, nails,
random bits of metal lyingaround.

(00:42):
And they weren't even his.
He inherited all this junk fromhis father-in-law who used to go
around car boot sales, buyingthe stuff that everybody else
knew they didn't need, and thendidn't use it himself.
So when my father-in-law says tome the other week.
Do you want any of this?
I'm like, No, you are notpassing the baton onto me.

(01:06):
These screws have already beencollected and ignored by a
minimum of three people,possibly four just bin them.
But you could see he didn'treally want to.
He's been told all of his lifethat throwing away things that,
Hey, might be useful, iswasteful.

(01:30):
But the thing is, the wastingwas done years ago when my
wife's granddad bought themwithout needing them.
The responsibility for all thisjunk is just being passed down
like some rusty family heirloom,and it stops with me.
And it's the same with beliefs,values, even bits of

(01:55):
personality.
They get handed down untilsomeone stops and says, do I
actually want this?
We think of personality likesomething we've built ourselves,
some carefully curated wardrobe,but really it's more like
somebody's handed us a suitcaseat birth full of other people's

(02:18):
clothes and said, Here you go,this is yours now.
Research suggests roughly halfof our personality comes from
our genetics, thanks to decadesof twin studies, and the rest of
our personality is environment,which isn't just your childhood
home or your school playground.

(02:42):
It's the emotional climate thatyour parents created.
It's the family stories toldover dinner.
And thanks to epigenetics, itcan even include events from
before you were born.
Epigenetics is the study of howbig life events, things like

(03:02):
famine, war, chronic stress canchange the way that genes are
expressed, not by changing ourDNA.
But by switching certain bits onor off, and those changes can be
passed down.
So yeah, actually your stresslevels might be partly shaped by

(03:22):
how stressed your grandparentswere in 1942.
And you can certainly see it inthe small things.
Don't leave food on your plate.
That's a big one, isn't it?
Why?
Are you saying that the exactamount of food that I need right
now is the exact amount that'sput in front of me?
That's some coincidence and thatidea probably comes from

(03:45):
post-war rationing here in theUK, anyway.
Passed down through parents whogenuinely had to make every
crumb count.
Parents who maybe grew up inblackout conditions, listening
for air raid sirens, never sureif the house would even be
standing in the morning andstoring food just in case.

(04:09):
Now, their kids didn't livethrough the war.
But they might grown📍up in ahouse with overflowing cupboards
and constant warnings to becareful out there.
And then grandchildren might endup hypervigilant and anxious.
Psychologists call this theintergenerational transmission

(04:29):
of trauma.
There's also a term that I thinksums it up quite well, and
that's ghosts in the nursery.
For these invisible presencesfrom a parent's past that
influence how they parent.
So if somebody grew up neverbeing comforted, they might not

(04:49):
know how to comfort their ownchild.
Not'cause they don't care, butbecause it's familiar.
So the point of today's episode.
Is to recognise that sometimeswhat you think of as well, this
is just how I am, might actuallybe a hand me down.

(05:11):
And when you realise that, youget to choose whether to keep
it.
So listen to the stories, lookfor any repeating patterns in
your life, and then challenge itgently.
If you've inherited the, alwaysprepare for the worst attitude.

(05:31):
Well, practice leaving the housewithout triple checking the
weather first.
Use tools like journaling andmindfulness and therapy to help
separate your voice from theechoes of the past and create
new rituals.
If you grew up in silence aboutemotions, start speaking them

(05:53):
aloud.
If scarcity ruled.
Practice generosity.
Even if it is just buying acoffee for a friend or a sausage
roll for that homeless geezeroutside Gregg's.
The past is powerfullyinfluential, but it's not a
prison.
Your story isn't just inherited.

(06:14):
It's also written by you.
And if you do decide to keep allthose jam jars fine, but admit
it's because you actually wantthem.
Not just because Granddad did.
Anyway, I'll leave you to yourweekend.
You take care of yourself.
I'll speak to you soon.
Bye now.