June 1, 2024 • 14 mins
Are you living your life based on your values or your goals?
What's the difference anyway?
Let's find out.
Link to values list https://richardnicholls.net/?post=episode-238
Join our Evolve to Thrive 6 month programme https://therapynatters.com
Join the Patreon community https://www.patreon.com/richardnicholls
Social Media Links
Bluesky https://bsky.app/profile/richardnicholls.net
Threads https://www.threads.net/@richardnichollsreal
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/richardnichollsreal
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/RichardNichollsAuthor
Youtube https://www.youtube.com/richardnicholls
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Richard (00:02):
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
Podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and this episode is
titled Values vs Goals.
(00:23):
And if you're ready, We'll startthe show.
Hello, you beauties.
How are things been?
Has life been treating you well?
Have you been treating your lifewell?
One of the biggest existentialgivens is that life is
inherently meaningless, but wesearch for meaning anyway.
(00:47):
And I want to remind you that Imade an episode about meaning
back in 2019.
It's a public episode, so it'sout there for everyone to listen
to, and my take on findingmeaning in our life has always
been about living by your valuesrather than just goal setting.
If you listen to a lot ofpersonal development podcasts
(01:09):
and read a lot of self helpbooks, you'll hear people talk
about goal setting as being themost important thing for growth.
I hear people say that If youdon't have any goals, then you
don't have any direction, thatsort of thing.
And that's very absolute.
And I don't like absolutes.
We're humans.
We're not Meccano sets that needthese rigid rules to follow,
(01:31):
otherwise things don't workright and cogs don't turn.
We're all different.
I'm a glaring example of that.
I've got more quirks andunpredictable eccentricities
than a box of frogs.
I'm a therapist, and even Idon't know what I'm going to do
next quite often.
And it's okay if you don'teither.
We're not doing life wrong if wedon't have a specific goal we're
(01:55):
working towards.
Instead, it can be moreappropriate to live by your
values rather than by your aims,if that makes sense.
Often, I'll ask people abouttheir values and they'll say
things like, I wanna own my ownhome, I wanna lose 10 kilos, I
wanna go on holiday everysummer, those sorts of things.
(02:15):
And those aren't values, they'rethings to aim for, they're
goals.
Goals are fine, but if you'relooking for meaning in your
life, then you need more thangoals.
Otherwise, if we're prone todepression, we can easily slip
downhill, you see.
I meet a lot of people who feelthat their life is meaningless,
(02:35):
despite their goals.
Because they feel that theirlife is empty.
And it's often because they'renot aware of their sense of
self.
They don't know themselves,their likes and values, their
preferences and opinions.
Getting to know ourselves andour values is more important
than goals, I think.
(02:57):
Because what if we reach ourgoal and we're pleased with
ourselves, proud and satisfied?
That feeling doesn't last.
But if you think that workingtowards goals is the meaning of
your life, then if you're notcareful you'll just keep on
pushing for more and neverappreciate what you have in the
(03:17):
first place.
Your values can't be ticked offa to do list.
You can have a goal of learnFrench and make a list of the
ways you're going to do it andtick them off as you go, but by
digging through your goals andsee your value system that
drives it, you might find itturns into feel connected to
(03:41):
others or cultivate a thirst forknowledge.
If those are your values, thensure, it can drive your French
lessons or History podcasts orwhatever floats your boat, and
give you some goals to aim for.
But it also helps you to feelgood about the whole process of
learning French or whatever,because you can feel good even
(04:02):
if you haven't achieved yourgoals, your targets.
Because the way you feel isvalue driven, not goal driven.
Does that make sense?
Human values are quite abstract,aren't they?
They're just a concept or aphilosophical approach.
So I think when we try to thinkabout our values to help guide
(04:22):
our life, we can get a bitstuck.
Without the in depth thinking,my values would be, well, I just
want to make people happy, or Iwant to be kind.
Again, they're not values.
They're goals, wishes, desires.
Now, that has become part of mypersonality, part of who I am.
(04:44):
And whether that's nature ornurture, who really knows?
A psychoanalyst could digthrough people pleasing and look
for insecurities in childhood,probably.
But understanding that wouldn'tturn me into a dick.
More understanding of why we dowhat we do and want what we want
isn't going to stop us fromwanting those things if they're
(05:04):
harmless.
We don't go back to factorysettings and become self
obsessed and selfish toddlersall over again.
So if you do some thinking aboutwho you are and what drives you,
don't worry if you don't likethe answers.
If wanting people to be happycomes from a long forgotten
sense that if they're not, thenit's your fault because you're
(05:27):
defective in some way, thenunderstanding that won't mean
you no longer care whetherpeople are happy or not.
But what it would do is help youto put that feeling in
perspective and save it for theright time and place.
It can still drive your life.
Maybe you become a therapist,maybe you become a stand up
(05:49):
comedian, or maybe you're just agood listener, an understanding
friend.
You can still keep your values.
But with the drives in the rightplace, you can let go of any
anxiety about what motivatesyou.
And if you come up against anythings in your life that
challenge those drives, for somereason, it's not so world
(06:11):
shattering because you stillkeep the meaningful part of
those drives.
And what I mean by that is thatif your values are like a
compass that points you in theright direction, if you get
knocked off course by something,even big things like losses,
grief, you don't lose yourmeaning with your values in
(06:34):
mind.
Even if crappy things happen toyou, life doesn't seem so
pointless, so meaningless.
If you value connections toothers, and deep relationships,
then splitting up from yourpartner is still going to be
painful and may knock you offcourse a bit.
But when you're aware of yourvalues, it's much easier to
(06:54):
carry on living your life bythose values of experiencing
closeness to others andemotional intimacy.
You know deep down that you'regoing to be okay.
But if you were living in a goaldriven way, then that value of
connections to others and deeprelationships wouldn't be
noticed and instead it couldhave been turned into I must
(07:19):
have a thousand friends onFacebook or I must be married.
You might have set the wronggoals and if you don't reach
them then you can get thrown offcourse without a compass to
guide you anywhere.
Your values don't change, yousee, even if your life does and
that bit of stability that canhelp you feel more resilient.
(07:43):
Not only that, but when yourlife tallies up with your
values, you'll find morepleasure in the goals that you
do set.
Like good old Anne Puddicombesaid about constantly climbing
the ladder of success.
She was a Welsh author in the1800s.
Went under the pseudonym ofAllen Raine.
She apparently said, You may getto the very top of the ladder
(08:05):
and then find it has not beenleaning against the right wall.
Often quoted.
If you understand your valuesystem well.
You can align your goals withit.
So if you do climb a ladder,you've climbed the right one.
So how do you figure out yourvalues?
Well, thanks for asking.
You start by simply goingthrough your experiences,
(08:31):
looking for the ones that madeyou happy.
Could be work related, could bein your personal life, doesn't
matter.
You're just looking for thosetimes when you were at your
happiest.
To figure out what it was aboutit that did the trick.
Who were you with?
What were you doing?
What was it about thoseexperiences that you can see
(08:53):
were the reasons it made youfeel happy?
And like I say, don't just gothrough your personal life.
It's okay to look at thedifferent jobs you might have
done over the years, to see whatit was that made it really click
with you.
Then do the same thing, butthink about the experiences that
made you feel proud, not justhappy.
Because they're going to bedifferent.
(09:15):
Like for me, I feel really proudwhen I've been involved in a
play.
We all take a bow at the end andthere's a real pride in
performing and entertaining tome.
But I'm probably no happier.
Then earlier on that day, when Iwas just wandering around the
supermarket or something.
But how about after our finalperformance?
(09:36):
Because we usually do threenights, you see.
And then we have a little party.
Everyone brings in some food fora buffet, or we order a pizza or
something.
And we talk about the show.
And we talk about our ideas forthe next shows.
I'm happier then! But lessproud, if that makes sense.
So I know that I valueconnections and shared
(10:00):
interests.
But that I also valueexpressiveness and
dependability.
Professionalism and quality.
Then do the same thing again,but this time look for the
experiences you've had that madeyou feel satisfied or fulfilled.
See if you can see thedifference between pride and
(10:22):
fulfilment, happiness andsatisfaction.
You can be proud that you wereacknowledged at work and got a
promotion.
But you might feel morefulfilled by helping a colleague
who didn't understand something.
You might find that thosesmaller wins are more fulfilling
and satisfying.
So have a dig and see what needsor desires were being fulfilled
(10:48):
and why it might have meantsomething to you.
These are the ways in which weget to to really know ourselves.
And with that bit of insight,see if you can determine your
top 10 values.
I'll add a link into the shownotes to a list of, I think
there's 150 of the common humanvalues.
(11:09):
Go through them.
And with this extra insight, seeif you can identify just 10
values that resonate with you.
10 values that relate to whyyour life experiences made you
feel happy, proud and fulfilled.
I won't read them all out nowbecause because there's 150 of
(11:30):
them, but there are there'sthings like adventurousness,
community diversity, honesty,traditionalism, things like
that.
Look through the list, and whenyou've got ten, write them down
in no particular order.
They're in alphabetical order inthe notes, so you aren't led
into prioritising any.
And this is where you reallyneed to dig into yourself.
(11:52):
This is where you'll go away andcome back after a lot of
thought, maybe.
Because ten is too many.
Sure, you've got to knowyourself a little bit better,
maybe a lot better.
But when it comes to makingdecisions in life, we want to
really know our core values,that give us our compass.
So we know which way to go whenwe're not sure.
(12:14):
It's good to know your five corevalues.
So once you've got ten valuesthat you align with, you're
starting to get to know yourselfa little better, but it's a bit
too many.
We want to really know what yourfoundations are.
So, get them down to just 5.
And to trim those 10 down to 5super values, you simply compare
(12:36):
number 1 on your list withnumber 2, and ask yourself, if I
could only satisfy one of these,which one would it be?
And then you do the same withnumber 3 and number 4, then 5
and 6 and 7 and 8 9 and 10.
And then look at the 5 you'vediscarded, and see if there's
anything in there that feels tooimportant to let go of, and
(12:59):
decide which one from the supervalues list is you'd swap it
with.
Now you're not actually lettinggo of anything, but by looking
at 10 of your values and reallythinking about them and trimming
them until you've then got justfive values that are the core of
who you are.
You can then look at those fiveand really think about them to
(13:23):
see if these values actually fitin how you live your life now
and how you hope to live in thefuture.
Are they values that make youfeel good about yourself.
It can be really useful to dothis, honestly.
It can help you to liveauthentically.
By your rules.
(13:44):
And if changes need to be madethen make some gentle changes.
You're probably not going tochange your life overnight,
it'll be too jarring.
But at least you know whichdirection you need to nudge
yourself in, so that you'refollowing your compass.
Right then, let's go for today.
Thank you all for being a partof this and helping me make this
(14:06):
content.
Like I so often say, couldn't doit without you.
I've got nobody to listen to, soit's important for me that
you're there.
Especially if you're a patron ofmine on Patreon.
And if you want to support theshow and get extra content, do
follow the link in thedescription.
It'll be great to have you onboard.
Not only are you supporting thefree content that I make, but
also supporting yourself at thesame time.
(14:28):
Patrons tell me that havingweekly content really does help
them to keep their mental healthtopped up, and if you feel that
you need that, then you knowwhere I am.
So, time to go.
Have a super day.
I'll speak to you again verysoon.
Take care.
And hello to you, and welcome to the Richard Nicholls
Podcast, the personaldevelopment podcast series
that's here to help inspire,educate, and motivate you to be
the best you can be.
I'm psychotherapist RichardNicholls, and this episode is
titled Values vs Goals.
(00:23):
And if you're ready, We'll startthe show.
Hello, you beauties.
How are things been?
Has life been treating you well?
Have you been treating your lifewell?
One of the biggest existentialgivens is that life is
inherently meaningless, but wesearch for meaning anyway.
(00:47):
And I want to remind you that Imade an episode about meaning
back in 2019.
It's a public episode, so it'sout there for everyone to listen
to, and my take on findingmeaning in our life has always
been about living by your valuesrather than just goal setting.
If you listen to a lot ofpersonal development podcasts
(01:09):
and read a lot of self helpbooks, you'll hear people talk
about goal setting as being themost important thing for growth.
I hear people say that If youdon't have any goals, then you
don't have any direction, thatsort of thing.
And that's very absolute.
And I don't like absolutes.
We're humans.
We're not Meccano sets that needthese rigid rules to follow,
(01:31):
otherwise things don't workright and cogs don't turn.
We're all different.
I'm a glaring example of that.
I've got more quirks andunpredictable eccentricities
than a box of frogs.
I'm a therapist, and even Idon't know what I'm going to do
next quite often.
And it's okay if you don'teither.
We're not doing life wrong if wedon't have a specific goal we're
(01:55):
working towards.
Instead, it can be moreappropriate to live by your
values rather than by your aims,if that makes sense.
Often, I'll ask people abouttheir values and they'll say
things like, I wanna own my ownhome, I wanna lose 10 kilos, I
wanna go on holiday everysummer, those sorts of things.
(02:15):
And those aren't values, they'rethings to aim for, they're
goals.
Goals are fine, but if you'relooking for meaning in your
life, then you need more thangoals.
Otherwise, if we're prone todepression, we can easily slip
downhill, you see.
I meet a lot of people who feelthat their life is meaningless,
(02:35):
despite their goals.
Because they feel that theirlife is empty.
And it's often because they'renot aware of their sense of
self.
They don't know themselves,their likes and values, their
preferences and opinions.
Getting to know ourselves andour values is more important
than goals, I think.
(02:57):
Because what if we reach ourgoal and we're pleased with
ourselves, proud and satisfied?
That feeling doesn't last.
But if you think that workingtowards goals is the meaning of
your life, then if you're notcareful you'll just keep on
pushing for more and neverappreciate what you have in the
(03:17):
first place.
Your values can't be ticked offa to do list.
You can have a goal of learnFrench and make a list of the
ways you're going to do it andtick them off as you go, but by
digging through your goals andsee your value system that
drives it, you might find itturns into feel connected to
(03:41):
others or cultivate a thirst forknowledge.
If those are your values, thensure, it can drive your French
lessons or History podcasts orwhatever floats your boat, and
give you some goals to aim for.
But it also helps you to feelgood about the whole process of
learning French or whatever,because you can feel good even
(04:02):
if you haven't achieved yourgoals, your targets.
Because the way you feel isvalue driven, not goal driven.
Does that make sense?
Human values are quite abstract,aren't they?
They're just a concept or aphilosophical approach.
So I think when we try to thinkabout our values to help guide
(04:22):
our life, we can get a bitstuck.
Without the in depth thinking,my values would be, well, I just
want to make people happy, or Iwant to be kind.
Again, they're not values.
They're goals, wishes, desires.
Now, that has become part of mypersonality, part of who I am.
(04:44):
And whether that's nature ornurture, who really knows?
A psychoanalyst could digthrough people pleasing and look
for insecurities in childhood,probably.
But understanding that wouldn'tturn me into a dick.
More understanding of why we dowhat we do and want what we want
isn't going to stop us fromwanting those things if they're
(05:04):
harmless.
We don't go back to factorysettings and become self
obsessed and selfish toddlersall over again.
So if you do some thinking aboutwho you are and what drives you,
don't worry if you don't likethe answers.
If wanting people to be happycomes from a long forgotten
sense that if they're not, thenit's your fault because you're
(05:27):
defective in some way, thenunderstanding that won't mean
you no longer care whetherpeople are happy or not.
But what it would do is help youto put that feeling in
perspective and save it for theright time and place.
It can still drive your life.
Maybe you become a therapist,maybe you become a stand up
(05:49):
comedian, or maybe you're just agood listener, an understanding
friend.
You can still keep your values.
But with the drives in the rightplace, you can let go of any
anxiety about what motivatesyou.
And if you come up against anythings in your life that
challenge those drives, for somereason, it's not so world
(06:11):
shattering because you stillkeep the meaningful part of
those drives.
And what I mean by that is thatif your values are like a
compass that points you in theright direction, if you get
knocked off course by something,even big things like losses,
grief, you don't lose yourmeaning with your values in
(06:34):
mind.
Even if crappy things happen toyou, life doesn't seem so
pointless, so meaningless.
If you value connections toothers, and deep relationships,
then splitting up from yourpartner is still going to be
painful and may knock you offcourse a bit.
But when you're aware of yourvalues, it's much easier to
(06:54):
carry on living your life bythose values of experiencing
closeness to others andemotional intimacy.
You know deep down that you'regoing to be okay.
But if you were living in a goaldriven way, then that value of
connections to others and deeprelationships wouldn't be
noticed and instead it couldhave been turned into I must
(07:19):
have a thousand friends onFacebook or I must be married.
You might have set the wronggoals and if you don't reach
them then you can get thrown offcourse without a compass to
guide you anywhere.
Your values don't change, yousee, even if your life does and
that bit of stability that canhelp you feel more resilient.
(07:43):
Not only that, but when yourlife tallies up with your
values, you'll find morepleasure in the goals that you
do set.
Like good old Anne Puddicombesaid about constantly climbing
the ladder of success.
She was a Welsh author in the1800s.
Went under the pseudonym ofAllen Raine.
She apparently said, You may getto the very top of the ladder
(08:05):
and then find it has not beenleaning against the right wall.
Often quoted.
If you understand your valuesystem well.
You can align your goals withit.
So if you do climb a ladder,you've climbed the right one.
So how do you figure out yourvalues?
Well, thanks for asking.
You start by simply goingthrough your experiences,
(08:31):
looking for the ones that madeyou happy.
Could be work related, could bein your personal life, doesn't
matter.
You're just looking for thosetimes when you were at your
happiest.
To figure out what it was aboutit that did the trick.
Who were you with?
What were you doing?
What was it about thoseexperiences that you can see
(08:53):
were the reasons it made youfeel happy?
And like I say, don't just gothrough your personal life.
It's okay to look at thedifferent jobs you might have
done over the years, to see whatit was that made it really click
with you.
Then do the same thing, butthink about the experiences that
made you feel proud, not justhappy.
Because they're going to bedifferent.
(09:15):
Like for me, I feel really proudwhen I've been involved in a
play.
We all take a bow at the end andthere's a real pride in
performing and entertaining tome.
But I'm probably no happier.
Then earlier on that day, when Iwas just wandering around the
supermarket or something.
But how about after our finalperformance?
(09:36):
Because we usually do threenights, you see.
And then we have a little party.
Everyone brings in some food fora buffet, or we order a pizza or
something.
And we talk about the show.
And we talk about our ideas forthe next shows.
I'm happier then! But lessproud, if that makes sense.
So I know that I valueconnections and shared
(10:00):
interests.
But that I also valueexpressiveness and
dependability.
Professionalism and quality.
Then do the same thing again,but this time look for the
experiences you've had that madeyou feel satisfied or fulfilled.
See if you can see thedifference between pride and
(10:22):
fulfilment, happiness andsatisfaction.
You can be proud that you wereacknowledged at work and got a
promotion.
But you might feel morefulfilled by helping a colleague
who didn't understand something.
You might find that thosesmaller wins are more fulfilling
and satisfying.
So have a dig and see what needsor desires were being fulfilled
(10:48):
and why it might have meantsomething to you.
These are the ways in which weget to to really know ourselves.
And with that bit of insight,see if you can determine your
top 10 values.
I'll add a link into the shownotes to a list of, I think
there's 150 of the common humanvalues.
(11:09):
Go through them.
And with this extra insight, seeif you can identify just 10
values that resonate with you.
10 values that relate to whyyour life experiences made you
feel happy, proud and fulfilled.
I won't read them all out nowbecause because there's 150 of
(11:30):
them, but there are there'sthings like adventurousness,
community diversity, honesty,traditionalism, things like
that.
Look through the list, and whenyou've got ten, write them down
in no particular order.
They're in alphabetical order inthe notes, so you aren't led
into prioritising any.
And this is where you reallyneed to dig into yourself.
(11:52):
This is where you'll go away andcome back after a lot of
thought, maybe.
Because ten is too many.
Sure, you've got to knowyourself a little bit better,
maybe a lot better.
But when it comes to makingdecisions in life, we want to
really know our core values,that give us our compass.
So we know which way to go whenwe're not sure.
(12:14):
It's good to know your five corevalues.
So once you've got ten valuesthat you align with, you're
starting to get to know yourselfa little better, but it's a bit
too many.
We want to really know what yourfoundations are.
So, get them down to just 5.
And to trim those 10 down to 5super values, you simply compare
(12:36):
number 1 on your list withnumber 2, and ask yourself, if I
could only satisfy one of these,which one would it be?
And then you do the same withnumber 3 and number 4, then 5
and 6 and 7 and 8 9 and 10.
And then look at the 5 you'vediscarded, and see if there's
anything in there that feels tooimportant to let go of, and
(12:59):
decide which one from the supervalues list is you'd swap it
with.
Now you're not actually lettinggo of anything, but by looking
at 10 of your values and reallythinking about them and trimming
them until you've then got justfive values that are the core of
who you are.
You can then look at those fiveand really think about them to
(13:23):
see if these values actually fitin how you live your life now
and how you hope to live in thefuture.
Are they values that make youfeel good about yourself.
It can be really useful to dothis, honestly.
It can help you to liveauthentically.
By your rules.
(13:44):
And if changes need to be madethen make some gentle changes.
You're probably not going tochange your life overnight,
it'll be too jarring.
But at least you know whichdirection you need to nudge
yourself in, so that you'refollowing your compass.
Right then, let's go for today.
Thank you all for being a partof this and helping me make this
(14:06):
content.
Like I so often say, couldn't doit without you.
I've got nobody to listen to, soit's important for me that
you're there.
Especially if you're a patron ofmine on Patreon.
And if you want to support theshow and get extra content, do
follow the link in thedescription.
It'll be great to have you onboard.
Not only are you supporting thefree content that I make, but
also supporting yourself at thesame time.
(14:28):
Patrons tell me that havingweekly content really does help
them to keep their mental healthtopped up, and if you feel that
you need that, then you knowwhere I am.
So, time to go.
Have a super day.
I'll speak to you again verysoon.
Take care.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.