May 14, 2020 • 22 mins
Criticism can get the best of us as parents (and people). Learn to trust yourself as the expert of your own family.
Send us an email: parenting@iastate.edu.
Find us on Facebook: @scienceofparent.
This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries, go to www.extension.iastate.edu/legal
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mackenzie Johnson (00:09):
Hello and welcome to The Science of
Parenting podcast where weconnect you with research-based
information that fits yourfamily.
We're going to talk about therealities of being a parent and
how we can use research to helpguide our parenting decisions.
I'm Mackenzie Johnson and I'm aparent of two littles with their
own quirks, and I'm a parentingeducator.
Lori Hayungs (00:30):
And I'm Lori Hayungs and I have three
children who are in threedifferent life stages.
One is launched, one is incollege and one is in high
school, and I'm also a parentingeducator.
And today we are talking aboutfeeling judged and more
importantly, parenting throughthe judgment.
(00:54):
Yeah.
Ooh, heaviness.
Mackenzie Johnson (00:56):
Yeah.
Have you ever felt judged?
Lori Hayungs (00:58):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mackenzie Johnson (01:02):
Same.
Lori Hayungs (01:02):
But I feel like research might tell me I'm not
alone.
Mackenzie Johnson (01:07):
You know, Lori, I think you might be
right.
Should we move into researchnumber one?
So looking at parentingjudgment, this first research
bullet kind of helps usunderstand, do parents feel
judged and how do we understandthat a little better?
So a Zero to Three nationalparent survey reported that nine
(01:29):
out of 10 parents report feelingjudged.
So it's a big club.
Lori Hayungs (01:34):
I knew that I might be on to something when I
felt judged.
Mackenzie Johnson (01:40):
And a lot of times people might think that
one gender or the other, momsfeel judged, people talk about
mom shaming and things likethat, but 90% of moms reported
feeling judged and 85% of dads.
So there's a little differencethere, but it's not like, oh,
moms feel judged, but dadsdon't.
Both report that they feeljudged.
And there's actually more to thestory here.
(02:03):
So adding a little bit to that,a 2015 Pew research study told
us that parents do care a lotabout how others perceive their
parenting skills.
So we do feel judged and westill care how others perceive
our parenting skills.
(02:23):
So it's this fine, delicatebalance of both.
And so in particular, this Pewresearch study tells us that we
particularly care about what ourco-parent thinks and what our
own parents think of ourparenting skills.
And not as many people reported,but still a significant amount,
said their own friends, how theyview their parenting and that
people also cared aboutcommunity members.
(02:45):
So that's a lot of people to tryto please.
Lori Hayungs (02:49):
So many people to please.
Mackenzie Johnson (02:53):
That's a lot of people.
I think our writer, Barb DunnSwanson, made the great point
that it's human nature, right?
We want to be liked and to wantpeople to think we're doing a
good job, especially withsomething as personal as their
parenting.
So when you think about your ownparenting journey, when do you
(03:14):
think of as a time that comes tomind that you've felt judged?
Lori Hayungs (03:17):
So I think that the one that really comes to
mind, I was pretty confident inwhat I was doing around a
certain method of communication.
For instance, I taught my girlsa couple of signs in sign
(03:38):
language early on when they wereyoung, like 10 to 11 to 12
months.
And so I felt pretty confident.
I felt research backed me.
I believed in what I was doingas I was teaching my first child
the sign language, and then mysecond child.
And so I believed in what I wasdoing, research backed me, etc.
(03:59):
But what happened was that withmy second child, she didn't talk
very early.
And in fact, she had delayedspeech.
And so I remember in particularfeeling very judged because I
heard and people would tell me,they would want to give me good
advice, but they felt that itwas because I had taught her
(04:23):
sign language that she wasn'ttalking.
And so that judgment of you didsomething incorrect in your
parenting and that's why she hasthis delay.
Well, that was a hard onebecause it wrecked my
confidence.
Even the research told me I wason the right track, but it
(04:44):
wrecked my confidence.
Mackenzie Johnson (04:45):
Oh, and that's a hard feeling.
I mean, there's so manyquestions.
You know, we question ourselvesa lot as parents anyway.
And then to have people with thejudgment that comes with it of
well, you did this wrong oryou're not getting this right or
the reason this hard thing ishappening with you and your kids
is because you're not doingthings right.
(05:06):
Oh, that's a devastatingfeeling.
Lori Hayungs (05:07):
And you're hurting your child.
So I have a research bullet foryou from that Zero to Three
report that you mentionedearlier, the national parent
survey, that report tells usthat actually the problem is
that judging and criticizingparents actually causes them
more stress and it actuallymakes it less likely that
(05:32):
they're able to handlechallenging moments in ways that
are sensitive, appropriate, andeffective for the child.
So, in fact, close to half ofthe parents that were surveyed
in that study felt that theywould discipline their child
differently out in publicbecause they felt stress on
(05:54):
themselves.
And I was reporting my lack ofconfidence felt like a huge lack
of competence.
And I totally can understandwhere half of these parents were
saying that they would deal withdiscipline differently out in
public.
So we have a lot of people we'retrying to impress.
I guess essentially we're tryingto please a lot of people and at
(06:16):
the same time we're feeling notcompetent and it's causing
issues with how we deal with ourchild.
So was there a time you everquestioned yourself?
Mackenzie Johnson (06:27):
Yeah, I guess you're in good company.
Nine out of 10, I would say.
It's not necessarily a specificsituation, but in general I
would say I tend to feel judgedwhen other people maybe would
(06:48):
perceive my child is misbehavingand maybe what I see, I might
view it in a different light of,oh you know they are having a
hard time or this is a reallytough feeling for them or
they're slow to warm up orwhatever.
I might perceive it a differentway and other people might
perceive it as my childmisbehaving.
And I feel like people maybejudge me that I'm not tough
enough on my kids or I'm notfirm enough or that I don't
(07:12):
address the misbehavior in theirmind.
Where I tend to approach more ofwhat I think might be going on
behind why that behavior ishappening.
So I sometimes feel judged thatway.
Lori Hayungs (07:23):
You know your child best, you know their
temperament, you know theirpersonality and you're making a
choice to parent them a certainway because you know what a
different outcome could be.
And so where they might besaying and judging something
(07:44):
they see as inappropriatebehavior.
No, actually I'm taking the timeto let my child process what's
happening so that we can getthrough the rest of the day or
the rest of this trip to thestore.
We have no idea what's in otherpeople's backpacks.
Let's just say that.
(08:05):
Oh my gosh, you have no ideawhat's going on with people's
lives and how their decisionscome to be.
Mackenzie Johnson (08:13):
Yeah.
And I think that's such animportant part and we talk about
it at the beginning.
We talk about what we believeand it's a ground rule for us,
that this is a judgment freezone for that exact reason,
right?
You might see this 30 secondwindow if I'm in public with my
child that you see asmisbehavior, that someone else
(08:33):
might see as misbehavior, but asthe parent and as an expert, I
consider myself an expert, and Iconsider it other parents
experts on their kids and theirfamilies, means that we might be
doing things differently becausewe each have our own reality and
we shouldn't judge each otherabout that.
Right?
This should be a judgment freezone because you're the expert
(08:54):
and your reality might differentthan other people.
And you know, can I get a littlecheesy for just a second?
Lori Hayungs (09:05):
Cheese away!
Mackenzie Johnson (09:05):
Can we make that, we talk about it as a
ground rule, but I guess I wantto give a call out to our
listeners and whoever might hearthe message, can we agree that
it's not doing us any good?
You know, parents can judgeother parents or non-parents
judge parents or people whoraised their kids a while ago
and their kids are older.
We're not doing each other anygood by judging.
(09:27):
Can we agree to try to trustother people that they know
their kids best?
Lori Hayungs (09:33):
And your cheese led us right into the fourth
bullet point of the researchthat we have.
So like I said, cheese away! Letme read this.
So it says, according to Mondelland Tyler, more competent
parents treated the child asbeing more capable and
resourceful, showed generallywarm and positive feelings, and
(09:56):
were more helpful with problemsolving.
So reel that back.
When we feel more competent andnot as judged, when we have the
confidence in our parenting,we're actually treating our
child as more capable.
We're treating our child as moreresourceful.
We're treating our child morewarmly, have more positive
(10:18):
feelings toward them, and we'reactually doing better with them
at problem solving.
So our whole relationship withour child is boosted because we
feel more competent as a parent.
So if nine out of 10 of us arefeeling judged and that judgment
leads us to a lack ofconfidence, think about how that
(10:39):
impacts our relationship withour children.
Okay.
You got to fix this.
Make me feel better.
Mackenzie Johnson (10:49):
And so that research does tell us that, so
let's connect all the dots.
Lots of us feel judged when wefeel judged in our competence.
And our confidence in ourparenting goes down.
We question ourselves.
We doubt.
Maybe we're less consistent inwhat we do, right?
My child doesn't know what toexpect because when we're with
these people, I treat themdifferently.
(11:09):
Or when we're in a public place,I treat them differently.
Right?
And all of that comes back tohow we interact with our child
and how we behave with ourchild.
Those are big.
That's coming from whatsometimes people are, oh yeah,
everybody says they feel judged.
No, we do.
And it matters.
And it impacts how we do things.
Lori Hayungs (11:27):
Especially with that.
But that part that you touchedon, that consistency.
If we're expecting things fromour child one way in this room,
and we will leave the house andthen we expect something
different in this place, andthen we expect something
different from our child withthese people.
(11:48):
That's three different ways ourchild has to figure out
expectations.
I mean, I can't think of anyadult that wants their boss to
think three different ways aboutexpectations, you know?
And so I think that we have tofind that place.
And like you said, that's whatThe Science of Parenting is here
(12:09):
for.
We want to give you the researchto help you fill your toolbox
because you know your family,you know your child.
Your toolbox will be filled withresearch-based information that
fits your family so that youfeel confident and competent,
which then impacts and booststhat relationship with your
child.
Mackenzie Johnson (12:30):
So I think this kind of moves us into the
your reality part.
So we do these research bulletsand we talk about our own
realities and we share all thatbut we always to you've heard
all this, now what?
So as we were putting togetherthis episode and talking about
judgment and how it affects ourparenting, I wanted to come up
with this really tangibletakeaway that you could walk
(12:51):
away with for when you feeljudged.
Right?
So like you said, help me feelbetter.
If we feel judged, we're notfeeling as competent.
So I came up with a three stepprocess for what do we do when
we feel judged?
All right.
So, number one is to identifythe moment, right?
So as you reflect on a specifictime or a specific place or
(13:16):
specific people, whatever itmight be, but identify what that
is and when you are feelingjudged.
So recognize that feeling.
Lots of us, maybe one comes tomind right away that was a
little more salient and sticksin our brain.
Number two, and this one can bereally hard, is to reflect
(13:39):
honestly and objectively on thefeedback, right?
And so sometimes the way that amessage is wrapped, the words
that people used or the tone oreven the relationship behind
that might be complicated.
And so the feedback gets lost inthat message.
But thinking about what feedbackthat person was giving me and
(14:02):
reflect on it, honestly.
Okay, were they saying, I've hadmy husband, my co-parent, say to
me, you seem like maybe you needto take a break.
And that wasn't about judgment.
It was about the feedback of,I'm noticing you're having a
hard time.
So taking that time to honestlyreflect and consider it.
You're taking it in.
Lori Hayungs (14:23):
Taking it in, taking it in.
I've identified and I'm now inreflection.
Oh wait, that sounds like Stop.
Breathe.
Talk.
Okay, never mind.
Sorry, I digress.
Mackenzie Johnson (14:40):
I still have one more.
Lori Hayungs (14:41):
I'll listen.
Mackenzie Johnson (14:47):
So number three, Lori, we're identifying,
we're reflecting, now numberthree.
So you've reflected, you'vetaken it in.
Decide, right?
And that sounds simple, butdecide for yourself.
You know your kids, you knowyour family, you know y ourself.
Decide for yourself and thentrust yourself that you're the
(15:08):
expert, right?
So identify the moment thatyou're feeling judged.
Reflect on the feedback.
Reflect on the actual messagethat you w ere receiving and
decide.
Decide if you know what theywere saying was founded or that
they maybe didn't have all theinformation you have as the
expert on your kids, and thentrust yourself.
You can do it.
(15:30):
So this is the bat signal, Mackenzie.
S top.
Breathe.
Talk.
Mackenzie DeJong (15:37):
All right, so you've talked about judgment and
I guess sometimes I can be adevil's advocate when it comes
to things, especially whenyou're like, oh, don't judge
yourself.
Don't judge others.
So as an onlooker, as a familymember, as someone who's there
on the outskirts or as a parent,you also have friends or other
(16:00):
family members that are feelingthe weight of bad judgment.
Does that mean that I can't showconcern or support.
What to you is the differencebetween judgment versus support
versus concern?
(16:20):
And how is it best that insteadof coming off as judgmental,
that we show concern ifsomething comes up?
Lori Hayungs (16:30):
Hmm, that's a great question for Mackenzie.
Mackenzie Johnson (16:37):
So I will say that a lot of times people
assume, people that know that Iteach parenting education or
that I have the background thatI do, will be like, oh, don't
look okay.
And they might assume, oh, wellif you know all this stuff,
you're going to judge me.
You're going to think badthings.
But we do have knowledge aboutchild development and these
(17:00):
things and so they do overlap.
So I would say if you aresomeone who 1) is at least
somewhat familiar with thisperson's reality, sure.
If you are a stranger, usuallyit's not your place to pass a
judgment.
So if you're a stranger, youhave no sense of this person's
(17:21):
reality.
I would not recommend it; that'susually just going to be
judgmental.
But if you do have somefamiliarity with what that
person and those kids areusually like in what their life
looks like, the amount ofsupport time, yada, yada, so
that would be one thing.
Be somewhat familiar.
My second thing would be toexpress concern and not
(17:47):
judgment.
so that might be in a way, likeI've noticed..., right?
So using what you've observed,what you actually see.
I've noticed when this happens,this happens or I've noticed
sometimes this.
And so making an observationabout what you see and then
acknowledging that you have aninterpretation about it, right?
So it's not that this is thefact, when he does this, you do
that and this is what happens.
(18:09):
Acknowledging that you'reinterpreting.
So observe it, share your story,it seems maybe this is what
happened and then, am Imisunderstanding that or is
there more going on here I don'tsee?
And then the other big thing Iwould say as a parent, it's okay
if you express concern.
Again, how that message iswrapped can affect how we
receive it.
(18:31):
But if you've expressed thatconcern and they've heard you,
trust whatever they decide.
Let's not, every time you seethem, you reiterate, because
that's when it moves intojudgment, I'm judging what's
good and bad for you instead ofexpressing a concern about
something.
(18:51):
So I feel like I said one, t wo,I don't know how many I said.
I said a lot of things.
Lori Hayungs (18:59):
Then that comes down to that last piece of
trusting them.
You have to remember that.
Barb Dunn Swanson, our writer,says things so eloquently.
She would say, Lori, you canonly control yourself.
(19:20):
You can't control others.
And so I can choose not to judgeothers.
I can choose to share my concernin an objective way and then I
can choose to love them alongthe way.
I can choose these thingsbecause I am not able to control
(19:46):
others.
Mackenzie DeJong (19:48):
Love them along the way.
I love that.
Mackenzie Johnson (19:54):
Can I give snaps?
I'll give snaps for that.
Well, that's not a bad Stop.
Breathe.
Talk.
space.
And a fair question, right?
It's not that no one can evertalk to you about your
parenting, right?
That's not what judgment isabout.
How do we talk to the people wecare about when we do have a
(20:15):
concern?
Right?
I like that question.
Lori Hayungs (20:18):
Parenting through judgment.
There we go.
So in summary, we tackled thetopic of judgment and parenting
through judgment.
And you know, we talked about 9out of 10 parents feel judged
and men feel judged 85% andwomen are 90%.
So there is a lot of judgment.
We are hoping to please manypeople along the way.
(20:42):
We want people to think thatwe're good parents and when we
feel judged, we feel lessconfident and less competent and
that competence impacts ourrelationship with our kiddos.
So you talk about those threesteps you did and we'll wrap it
up.
Mackenzie Johnson (20:57):
Yeah.
So when you're feeling judged,those three things we talked
about in your own reality areidentify the moment you're
feeling judged.
Take a second to reflect just onthat.
And then two, I already said it,reflect with honesty and reflect
on the feedback you're receivingand then three, decide what you
(21:18):
want to do considering thatfeedback.
It might be deciding you don'tcare, or not that you don't care
but that it wasn't relevant orthat you have more information
than they did.
But trust yourself.
Decide and trust yourself.
Lori Hayungs (21:28):
Definitely.
So thanks for joining us todayon The Science of Parenting
podcast.
Remember, subscribe to ourweekly audio podcasts on Apple,
Spotify, or your favoritepodcast app.
Watch our show each week andthen once a month, we'll come to
you live on Facebook where wewill take your comments and your
questions in real time.
Mackenzie Johnson (21:51):
Yeah, so come along with us as we tackle the
ins and outs, the ups and downsand the research and reality
around The Science of Parenting.
Thank you.
Anthony Santiago (22:07):
The Science of Parenting is a research-based
education program hosted by LoriHayungs and Mackenzie Johnson,
produced by Mackenzie DeJong,with research and writing by
Barbara Dunn Swanson.
Send questions and comments toparenting@iastate.edu and
connect with us on Facebook andTwitter.
(22:30):
This program is brought to youby Iowa State University
Extension and Outreach.
This institution is an equalopportunity provider.
For the full non-discriminationstatement or accommodation
inquiries go to www.extension.
iastate.edu/diversity/.
Hello and welcome to The Science of
Parenting podcast where weconnect you with research-based
information that fits yourfamily.
We're going to talk about therealities of being a parent and
how we can use research to helpguide our parenting decisions.
I'm Mackenzie Johnson and I'm aparent of two littles with their
own quirks, and I'm a parentingeducator.
Lori Hayungs (00:30):
And I'm Lori Hayungs and I have three
children who are in threedifferent life stages.
One is launched, one is incollege and one is in high
school, and I'm also a parentingeducator.
And today we are talking aboutfeeling judged and more
importantly, parenting throughthe judgment.
(00:54):
Yeah.
Ooh, heaviness.
Mackenzie Johnson (00:56):
Yeah.
Have you ever felt judged?
Lori Hayungs (00:58):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mackenzie Johnson (01:02):
Same.
Lori Hayungs (01:02):
But I feel like research might tell me I'm not
alone.
Mackenzie Johnson (01:07):
You know, Lori, I think you might be
right.
Should we move into researchnumber one?
So looking at parentingjudgment, this first research
bullet kind of helps usunderstand, do parents feel
judged and how do we understandthat a little better?
So a Zero to Three nationalparent survey reported that nine
(01:29):
out of 10 parents report feelingjudged.
So it's a big club.
Lori Hayungs (01:34):
I knew that I might be on to something when I
felt judged.
Mackenzie Johnson (01:40):
And a lot of times people might think that
one gender or the other, momsfeel judged, people talk about
mom shaming and things likethat, but 90% of moms reported
feeling judged and 85% of dads.
So there's a little differencethere, but it's not like, oh,
moms feel judged, but dadsdon't.
Both report that they feeljudged.
And there's actually more to thestory here.
(02:03):
So adding a little bit to that,a 2015 Pew research study told
us that parents do care a lotabout how others perceive their
parenting skills.
So we do feel judged and westill care how others perceive
our parenting skills.
(02:23):
So it's this fine, delicatebalance of both.
And so in particular, this Pewresearch study tells us that we
particularly care about what ourco-parent thinks and what our
own parents think of ourparenting skills.
And not as many people reported,but still a significant amount,
said their own friends, how theyview their parenting and that
people also cared aboutcommunity members.
(02:45):
So that's a lot of people to tryto please.
Lori Hayungs (02:49):
So many people to please.
Mackenzie Johnson (02:53):
That's a lot of people.
I think our writer, Barb DunnSwanson, made the great point
that it's human nature, right?
We want to be liked and to wantpeople to think we're doing a
good job, especially withsomething as personal as their
parenting.
So when you think about your ownparenting journey, when do you
(03:14):
think of as a time that comes tomind that you've felt judged?
Lori Hayungs (03:17):
So I think that the one that really comes to
mind, I was pretty confident inwhat I was doing around a
certain method of communication.
For instance, I taught my girlsa couple of signs in sign
(03:38):
language early on when they wereyoung, like 10 to 11 to 12
months.
And so I felt pretty confident.
I felt research backed me.
I believed in what I was doingas I was teaching my first child
the sign language, and then mysecond child.
And so I believed in what I wasdoing, research backed me, etc.
(03:59):
But what happened was that withmy second child, she didn't talk
very early.
And in fact, she had delayedspeech.
And so I remember in particularfeeling very judged because I
heard and people would tell me,they would want to give me good
advice, but they felt that itwas because I had taught her
(04:23):
sign language that she wasn'ttalking.
And so that judgment of you didsomething incorrect in your
parenting and that's why she hasthis delay.
Well, that was a hard onebecause it wrecked my
confidence.
Even the research told me I wason the right track, but it
(04:44):
wrecked my confidence.
Mackenzie Johnson (04:45):
Oh, and that's a hard feeling.
I mean, there's so manyquestions.
You know, we question ourselvesa lot as parents anyway.
And then to have people with thejudgment that comes with it of
well, you did this wrong oryou're not getting this right or
the reason this hard thing ishappening with you and your kids
is because you're not doingthings right.
(05:06):
Oh, that's a devastatingfeeling.
Lori Hayungs (05:07):
And you're hurting your child.
So I have a research bullet foryou from that Zero to Three
report that you mentionedearlier, the national parent
survey, that report tells usthat actually the problem is
that judging and criticizingparents actually causes them
more stress and it actuallymakes it less likely that
(05:32):
they're able to handlechallenging moments in ways that
are sensitive, appropriate, andeffective for the child.
So, in fact, close to half ofthe parents that were surveyed
in that study felt that theywould discipline their child
differently out in publicbecause they felt stress on
(05:54):
themselves.
And I was reporting my lack ofconfidence felt like a huge lack
of competence.
And I totally can understandwhere half of these parents were
saying that they would deal withdiscipline differently out in
public.
So we have a lot of people we'retrying to impress.
I guess essentially we're tryingto please a lot of people and at
(06:16):
the same time we're feeling notcompetent and it's causing
issues with how we deal with ourchild.
So was there a time you everquestioned yourself?
Mackenzie Johnson (06:27):
Yeah, I guess you're in good company.
Nine out of 10, I would say.
It's not necessarily a specificsituation, but in general I
would say I tend to feel judgedwhen other people maybe would
(06:48):
perceive my child is misbehavingand maybe what I see, I might
view it in a different light of,oh you know they are having a
hard time or this is a reallytough feeling for them or
they're slow to warm up orwhatever.
I might perceive it a differentway and other people might
perceive it as my childmisbehaving.
And I feel like people maybejudge me that I'm not tough
enough on my kids or I'm notfirm enough or that I don't
(07:12):
address the misbehavior in theirmind.
Where I tend to approach more ofwhat I think might be going on
behind why that behavior ishappening.
So I sometimes feel judged thatway.
Lori Hayungs (07:23):
You know your child best, you know their
temperament, you know theirpersonality and you're making a
choice to parent them a certainway because you know what a
different outcome could be.
And so where they might besaying and judging something
(07:44):
they see as inappropriatebehavior.
No, actually I'm taking the timeto let my child process what's
happening so that we can getthrough the rest of the day or
the rest of this trip to thestore.
We have no idea what's in otherpeople's backpacks.
Let's just say that.
(08:05):
Oh my gosh, you have no ideawhat's going on with people's
lives and how their decisionscome to be.
Mackenzie Johnson (08:13):
Yeah.
And I think that's such animportant part and we talk about
it at the beginning.
We talk about what we believeand it's a ground rule for us,
that this is a judgment freezone for that exact reason,
right?
You might see this 30 secondwindow if I'm in public with my
child that you see asmisbehavior, that someone else
(08:33):
might see as misbehavior, but asthe parent and as an expert, I
consider myself an expert, and Iconsider it other parents
experts on their kids and theirfamilies, means that we might be
doing things differently becausewe each have our own reality and
we shouldn't judge each otherabout that.
Right?
This should be a judgment freezone because you're the expert
(08:54):
and your reality might differentthan other people.
And you know, can I get a littlecheesy for just a second?
Lori Hayungs (09:05):
Cheese away!
Mackenzie Johnson (09:05):
Can we make that, we talk about it as a
ground rule, but I guess I wantto give a call out to our
listeners and whoever might hearthe message, can we agree that
it's not doing us any good?
You know, parents can judgeother parents or non-parents
judge parents or people whoraised their kids a while ago
and their kids are older.
We're not doing each other anygood by judging.
(09:27):
Can we agree to try to trustother people that they know
their kids best?
Lori Hayungs (09:33):
And your cheese led us right into the fourth
bullet point of the researchthat we have.
So like I said, cheese away! Letme read this.
So it says, according to Mondelland Tyler, more competent
parents treated the child asbeing more capable and
resourceful, showed generallywarm and positive feelings, and
(09:56):
were more helpful with problemsolving.
So reel that back.
When we feel more competent andnot as judged, when we have the
confidence in our parenting,we're actually treating our
child as more capable.
We're treating our child as moreresourceful.
We're treating our child morewarmly, have more positive
(10:18):
feelings toward them, and we'reactually doing better with them
at problem solving.
So our whole relationship withour child is boosted because we
feel more competent as a parent.
So if nine out of 10 of us arefeeling judged and that judgment
leads us to a lack ofconfidence, think about how that
(10:39):
impacts our relationship withour children.
Okay.
You got to fix this.
Make me feel better.
Mackenzie Johnson (10:49):
And so that research does tell us that, so
let's connect all the dots.
Lots of us feel judged when wefeel judged in our competence.
And our confidence in ourparenting goes down.
We question ourselves.
We doubt.
Maybe we're less consistent inwhat we do, right?
My child doesn't know what toexpect because when we're with
these people, I treat themdifferently.
(11:09):
Or when we're in a public place,I treat them differently.
Right?
And all of that comes back tohow we interact with our child
and how we behave with ourchild.
Those are big.
That's coming from whatsometimes people are, oh yeah,
everybody says they feel judged.
No, we do.
And it matters.
And it impacts how we do things.
Lori Hayungs (11:27):
Especially with that.
But that part that you touchedon, that consistency.
If we're expecting things fromour child one way in this room,
and we will leave the house andthen we expect something
different in this place, andthen we expect something
different from our child withthese people.
(11:48):
That's three different ways ourchild has to figure out
expectations.
I mean, I can't think of anyadult that wants their boss to
think three different ways aboutexpectations, you know?
And so I think that we have tofind that place.
And like you said, that's whatThe Science of Parenting is here
(12:09):
for.
We want to give you the researchto help you fill your toolbox
because you know your family,you know your child.
Your toolbox will be filled withresearch-based information that
fits your family so that youfeel confident and competent,
which then impacts and booststhat relationship with your
child.
Mackenzie Johnson (12:30):
So I think this kind of moves us into the
your reality part.
So we do these research bulletsand we talk about our own
realities and we share all thatbut we always to you've heard
all this, now what?
So as we were putting togetherthis episode and talking about
judgment and how it affects ourparenting, I wanted to come up
with this really tangibletakeaway that you could walk
(12:51):
away with for when you feeljudged.
Right?
So like you said, help me feelbetter.
If we feel judged, we're notfeeling as competent.
So I came up with a three stepprocess for what do we do when
we feel judged?
All right.
So, number one is to identifythe moment, right?
So as you reflect on a specifictime or a specific place or
(13:16):
specific people, whatever itmight be, but identify what that
is and when you are feelingjudged.
So recognize that feeling.
Lots of us, maybe one comes tomind right away that was a
little more salient and sticksin our brain.
Number two, and this one can bereally hard, is to reflect
(13:39):
honestly and objectively on thefeedback, right?
And so sometimes the way that amessage is wrapped, the words
that people used or the tone oreven the relationship behind
that might be complicated.
And so the feedback gets lost inthat message.
But thinking about what feedbackthat person was giving me and
(14:02):
reflect on it, honestly.
Okay, were they saying, I've hadmy husband, my co-parent, say to
me, you seem like maybe you needto take a break.
And that wasn't about judgment.
It was about the feedback of,I'm noticing you're having a
hard time.
So taking that time to honestlyreflect and consider it.
You're taking it in.
Lori Hayungs (14:23):
Taking it in, taking it in.
I've identified and I'm now inreflection.
Oh wait, that sounds like Stop.
Breathe.
Talk.
Okay, never mind.
Sorry, I digress.
Mackenzie Johnson (14:40):
I still have one more.
Lori Hayungs (14:41):
I'll listen.
Mackenzie Johnson (14:47):
So number three, Lori, we're identifying,
we're reflecting, now numberthree.
So you've reflected, you'vetaken it in.
Decide, right?
And that sounds simple, butdecide for yourself.
You know your kids, you knowyour family, you know y ourself.
Decide for yourself and thentrust yourself that you're the
(15:08):
expert, right?
So identify the moment thatyou're feeling judged.
Reflect on the feedback.
Reflect on the actual messagethat you w ere receiving and
decide.
Decide if you know what theywere saying was founded or that
they maybe didn't have all theinformation you have as the
expert on your kids, and thentrust yourself.
You can do it.
(15:30):
So this is the bat signal, Mackenzie.
S top.
Breathe.
Talk.
Mackenzie DeJong (15:37):
All right, so you've talked about judgment and
I guess sometimes I can be adevil's advocate when it comes
to things, especially whenyou're like, oh, don't judge
yourself.
Don't judge others.
So as an onlooker, as a familymember, as someone who's there
on the outskirts or as a parent,you also have friends or other
(16:00):
family members that are feelingthe weight of bad judgment.
Does that mean that I can't showconcern or support.
What to you is the differencebetween judgment versus support
versus concern?
(16:20):
And how is it best that insteadof coming off as judgmental,
that we show concern ifsomething comes up?
Lori Hayungs (16:30):
Hmm, that's a great question for Mackenzie.
Mackenzie Johnson (16:37):
So I will say that a lot of times people
assume, people that know that Iteach parenting education or
that I have the background thatI do, will be like, oh, don't
look okay.
And they might assume, oh, wellif you know all this stuff,
you're going to judge me.
You're going to think badthings.
But we do have knowledge aboutchild development and these
(17:00):
things and so they do overlap.
So I would say if you aresomeone who 1) is at least
somewhat familiar with thisperson's reality, sure.
If you are a stranger, usuallyit's not your place to pass a
judgment.
So if you're a stranger, youhave no sense of this person's
(17:21):
reality.
I would not recommend it; that'susually just going to be
judgmental.
But if you do have somefamiliarity with what that
person and those kids areusually like in what their life
looks like, the amount ofsupport time, yada, yada, so
that would be one thing.
Be somewhat familiar.
My second thing would be toexpress concern and not
(17:47):
judgment.
so that might be in a way, likeI've noticed..., right?
So using what you've observed,what you actually see.
I've noticed when this happens,this happens or I've noticed
sometimes this.
And so making an observationabout what you see and then
acknowledging that you have aninterpretation about it, right?
So it's not that this is thefact, when he does this, you do
that and this is what happens.
(18:09):
Acknowledging that you'reinterpreting.
So observe it, share your story,it seems maybe this is what
happened and then, am Imisunderstanding that or is
there more going on here I don'tsee?
And then the other big thing Iwould say as a parent, it's okay
if you express concern.
Again, how that message iswrapped can affect how we
receive it.
(18:31):
But if you've expressed thatconcern and they've heard you,
trust whatever they decide.
Let's not, every time you seethem, you reiterate, because
that's when it moves intojudgment, I'm judging what's
good and bad for you instead ofexpressing a concern about
something.
(18:51):
So I feel like I said one, t wo,I don't know how many I said.
I said a lot of things.
Lori Hayungs (18:59):
Then that comes down to that last piece of
trusting them.
You have to remember that.
Barb Dunn Swanson, our writer,says things so eloquently.
She would say, Lori, you canonly control yourself.
(19:20):
You can't control others.
And so I can choose not to judgeothers.
I can choose to share my concernin an objective way and then I
can choose to love them alongthe way.
I can choose these thingsbecause I am not able to control
(19:46):
others.
Mackenzie DeJong (19:48):
Love them along the way.
I love that.
Mackenzie Johnson (19:54):
Can I give snaps?
I'll give snaps for that.
Well, that's not a bad Stop.
Breathe.
Talk.
space.
And a fair question, right?
It's not that no one can evertalk to you about your
parenting, right?
That's not what judgment isabout.
How do we talk to the people wecare about when we do have a
(20:15):
concern?
Right?
I like that question.
Lori Hayungs (20:18):
Parenting through judgment.
There we go.
So in summary, we tackled thetopic of judgment and parenting
through judgment.
And you know, we talked about 9out of 10 parents feel judged
and men feel judged 85% andwomen are 90%.
So there is a lot of judgment.
We are hoping to please manypeople along the way.
(20:42):
We want people to think thatwe're good parents and when we
feel judged, we feel lessconfident and less competent and
that competence impacts ourrelationship with our kiddos.
So you talk about those threesteps you did and we'll wrap it
up.
Mackenzie Johnson (20:57):
Yeah.
So when you're feeling judged,those three things we talked
about in your own reality areidentify the moment you're
feeling judged.
Take a second to reflect just onthat.
And then two, I already said it,reflect with honesty and reflect
on the feedback you're receivingand then three, decide what you
(21:18):
want to do considering thatfeedback.
It might be deciding you don'tcare, or not that you don't care
but that it wasn't relevant orthat you have more information
than they did.
But trust yourself.
Decide and trust yourself.
Lori Hayungs (21:28):
Definitely.
So thanks for joining us todayon The Science of Parenting
podcast.
Remember, subscribe to ourweekly audio podcasts on Apple,
Spotify, or your favoritepodcast app.
Watch our show each week andthen once a month, we'll come to
you live on Facebook where wewill take your comments and your
questions in real time.
Mackenzie Johnson (21:51):
Yeah, so come along with us as we tackle the
ins and outs, the ups and downsand the research and reality
around The Science of Parenting.
Thank you.
Anthony Santiago (22:07):
The Science of Parenting is a research-based
education program hosted by LoriHayungs and Mackenzie Johnson,
produced by Mackenzie DeJong,with research and writing by
Barbara Dunn Swanson.
Send questions and comments toparenting@iastate.edu and
connect with us on Facebook andTwitter.
(22:30):
This program is brought to youby Iowa State University
Extension and Outreach.
This institution is an equalopportunity provider.
For the full non-discriminationstatement or accommodation
inquiries go to www.extension.
iastate.edu/diversity/.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Intentionally Disturbing
Join me on this podcast as I navigate the murky waters of human behavior, current events, and personal anecdotes through in-depth interviews with incredible people—all served with a generous helping of sarcasm and satire. After years as a forensic and clinical psychologist, I offer a unique interview style and a low tolerance for bullshit, quickly steering conversations toward depth and darkness. I honor the seriousness while also appreciating wit. I’m your guide through the twisted labyrinth of the human psyche, armed with dark humor and biting wit.