SGR 091: The Truth Behind “You’re Just Like Your Mother”

We’ve all heard it.

Mid-argument with our partner:

“You’re just like your mother!”

But, what does that really mean? Why is it so common?

We learn how to be in relationships by observing our parents and the adults in our life growing up. We experience love in the ways our parents or caregivers showed us love. The way the important adults in our life expressed their emotions - happiness, frustration, anger - towards us, are the ways we expect our adult partners to do so.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky.

Maybe, we didn’t get along well with our parents or caregivers. Maybe we moved out and vowed never to be treated that way again. We might have hated the way they expressed anger or never really felt loved. But, somehow, we internalized that model for relationships and carried it with us into our marriage.

We view our partner’s actions through the lens of this model and we act (and react) accordingly.

Think of a blueprint that tells you what to do when your partner expresses anger, sadness, or love towards you. Do you push them away? Do you up the ante? Do you yell louder? Do you shrink down and stay quiet?

The dynamics that we grew up with have a tendency to play out in our adult romantic relationships. The good news is they are not unchangeable. By getting really clear on your own template and sharing it with your partner, you two can work together to create your own, new blueprint.

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about how these blueprints are formed in our families growing up, how they influence our relationship in the present, and exactly how to move forward with making changes.