February 5, 2025 • 67 mins
Australia, you absolute legends. Back in November, I did a speaking tour across seven cities, talking to thousands of you about life, purpose, relationships, and why giving fewer fucks is the key to actually living a life you don’t hate.
We recorded some of the best Q&A moments to share with you here on the podcast. We diving into the big existential stuff—how to stop procrastinating, how to know if a relationship is right for you, and whether Australia’s ban on social media for kids is actually a good thing or not.
We’ll also talk about the brutal truth behind imposter syndrome, how to stop caring so much about what other people think, and one thing that actually helps you figure out what the hell you should be doing with your life. Plus, I’ll share some hard-earned wisdom on drinking, quitting, and why people stay in bad relationships way too long. So if you’ve ever felt stuck, lost, or just overwhelmed by the sheer absurdity of life, this one’s for you. Hit play and let’s get into it.
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Chapters
00:00 Mark goes down under
02:10 How do you discover what truly matters to you?03:45 How can I stop procrastinating so much?07:26 How do you deal with negative thoughts and feelings after a trauma?09:39 How long should I wait on my "experiments" before I move on?13:18 How do you deal with people who want you to tell you how to live your life?14:36 What are some of the hardest things to give up?16:43 What's your best advice on marriage?19:40 Do you think we'll get back together?22:12 Is society rewarding more and more bad behavior?26:10 What are some tradeoffs that more people should do?28:55 What can your books and content teach children?31:57 How do you overcome imposter syndrome?34:00 How to know if your relationship is good enough for you?35:28 How can I deal with being overly empathetic and letting people walk all over me?38:58 What do you think of the ban on kids using social media in Australia?40:47 What's your advice for teenagers?42:44 How do you overcome analysis paralysis?44:38 How can you stop caring about other people's opinions so much?46:56 How can we be more relevant in the AI future?49:20 Why are so many good people not happy?51:46 How do you go about finding your purpose in life?54:38 What should I do if I'm focused too much on other people's problems instead of my own (codependency)?57:42 How do continue to overcome failure after failure?1:00:32 How can I find motivation to do anything when the world is so f*cked?1:04:15 How can we more fully face death, grief, and loss?
Theme song: Icarus Lives by Periphery , used with permission from Periphery.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello everybody, Mark Manson here.
And today I have something very special and a little bit
different for you. Back in November, I did a
speaking tour all across Australia.
I spoke in seven different cities and spoke to almost
10,000 people, including at the famed Opera House.
Now at the shows, we recorded the live Q&A sessions and well,
we picked a handful of the best ones to share with you on the
(00:21):
podcast today. So in today's episode, we're
going to be going through live Q&A and you're going to learn
the best method to improve yourself while staying true to
who you actually are. We're going to talk about why
you can't find your purpose in life and what to do instead.
We'll discuss the trade-offs that have an outsized return and
how to navigate those and figureout what they are.
(00:42):
We'll talk about turning imposter syndrome on its head
and no longer letting it hold you back.
I'll share what I think about Australia's ban on social media
for kids. For those of you who don't know,
Australia is forcing the social media platforms to create a kids
only section and I'm going to goover how to know if a
relationship is the right one for you.
And of course what it really means to stop giving a fuck so
(01:05):
you can start living the life you want.
Shout out to all the Australiansout there.
I know a ton of you are listening right now.
I appreciate you coming out for the events.
Honestly it was the experience of a lifetime.
It was a dream to speak in some of those venues.
You Aussies are very well versedin the no fucks given
philosophy. In fact, I have a YouTube video
going up on Sunday all about that.
It's a vlog of the tour and alsoan investigation into why
(01:27):
Australians just give 0 fucks. So be sure to check that out.
And in the meantime, if you wantto send in your questions,
comments, love letters, trolling, hate mail, pictures of
your cats, you can send them thepodcast at markmanson.net.
And I will make Drew read all ofthem.
So we'll be back next week with a regularly scheduled podcast
episode. In the meantime, here is the
(01:47):
Australian Q&A. It's the Subtle Art of Not
Giving a Fuck podcast with your host Mark Manson.
We're just going to try to move through as many people as
possible, so anybody who wants to ask anything, please come up
to the mic. Do we have anybody?
(02:09):
Any brave souls? How does one identify what truly
matters in life to them when everything seems so important?
And overwhelming, well, there's a, there's a, a quick way and,
and a long way. The quick way is to almost die.
And, and that's not a joke to anybody here who has had a, a
(02:37):
near death experience or who hashad somebody very close to them
die suddenly. Nothing shows you what matters
in that moment more. The long way I think is the most
reliable thing that I found is just process of elimination.
You don't really know how much you value something until it's
(02:58):
removed from your life. Because when it's in your life,
you you, you're not objective about it.
You get attached to all the nicelittle perks and cute little
hats you get to wear and people who pat you on the back.
It's only when it's taken away from you or temporarily removed.
This comes back to the experiment thing.
When it's temporary, temporarilyremoved, then you can actually
(03:21):
see. Huh.
Yeah, I actually wasn't getting a whole lot out of that.
And so, yeah, my advice to people is usually try removing
things for periods of time and see how how you respond.
And a lot of times it will surprise you.
Thank you. Hello.
(03:45):
Hi, significantly negative traitof all of us.
I think most of us is procrastination.
Recently a podcast you did with Brandon Novak, his mentor,
stated that procrastination is like masturbation.
You're only fucking yourself. Why then?
Most of us are aware of this, but yet we still continue to
(04:08):
fuck ourselves. Oh Brandon is so eloquent.
Funny story about him is he cameon my podcast and within, no
shit, within 3 minutes he was taking his pants off.
(04:28):
He came in, It was, it was his hilarious.
He came in, met my producer Drew, and we were just kind of
like having small talk and, and Drew was like, yeah, I'm from
Nebraska and Brandon's like, oh dude, I got to show you my
tattoo about Nebraska. And he just like started undoing
his pants totally butt ass naked.
And he had this, he had this tattoo on his upper thigh that
(04:51):
said, it said I got fucked in the ass in Nebraska and all I
got was this tattoo. I'm not making any of that hub.
So procrastination is it's so mytake on procrastination is that
it is primarily emotionally driven.
(05:14):
And I think there's two ways to think about it. 1 is that
anytime our perception of a taskfeels overwhelming, and that and
overwhelming can mean a lot of different things.
They can mean difficult, it can mean extremely significant, it
can mean risky, basically overwhelming in any sense of
(05:38):
like, I guess salience or importance.
Our natural reaction is to kind of resist it and find reasons to
like, you know, it's uncomfortable.
And so we we find excuses to putit off or, you know, pretend
like it doesn't need to be done today.
(06:00):
And I think So what I've found in my life, the most effective
way, the combat procrastination is to simply lower the stakes on
something is to instead of sitting down and being like, OK,
I need to I need to write like A10 page article today.
And this article is going to be,you know, published in this
(06:21):
place and read by thousands. And you know, if I start
thinking about that, it's going to freak me out.
Instead, I just sit down and I'mlike, OK, let's write a good
intro. And that's it.
I don't think past that. And when you're able to like
bite size things down into like more manageable chunks, that
(06:42):
sense of overwhelm dissipates and it, and it becomes easier to
do. And that the other beautiful
thing about it too, is that onceyou do do the bite sized
version, it gives you emotional momentum and you're able to like
continue on longer into the task.
So that's the most effective thing I've ever found for
myself. I guess a distant second would
(07:05):
be to to set up your environmentin a way to kind of like create
incentive And and part of that might be like try to make it a
little bit fun, but ultimately it's just I just lower the
stakes until it stops being scary and overwhelming and then
I get to work. So I hope that helps.
Thank you. Hello.
(07:26):
Hi. Sorry I'm really nervous, but I
guess after you've been through something in your life that's
been quite traumatizing, how canyou actually stop the mindset
that the world is at to get you instead of just pretending you
don't give a fuck about it? Yeah, pretending it's not good.
(07:54):
It's hard. It's exhausting, for one.
But it also like, I think it causes you to show up in the
world, you know, censoring who you are.
And that's never a good thing, that that doesn't make things
better. I think a huge part of this is
(08:15):
collecting evidence that the world's not out to get you
right. Like find people in your life
that are trustworthy, find places in your life that are
safe, find people that you can share things with and be
vulnerable with and expose yourself to and, and see that
(08:39):
nothing horrible happens. Now to somebody who's been
through a lot of trauma. That's much easier said than
done, but that is the project and it's a very long term
project. I think that's ultimately that
is the healing process is like taking that part of yourself
(09:00):
that somebody else hurt deeply and then having a relationship
with a new person who doesn't hurt you in the same context.
And it, it helps you rebuild that trust and people in general
and trust in the world in general.
So that that's the long term solution.
I don't have any short term solutions, unfortunately, but it
(09:25):
is possible and it does happen and it's, it's a long road, but
I, I would say stop pretending you can give a fuck.
Just tell people. You mentioned experiments.
How long would you give an experiment before you sort of
realized that it didn't work? It's a great question.
(09:49):
The annoying answer is it depends on the experiment.
So I think some things you can you can recognize quite quickly
and others take a long time to tie into the procrastination
point. Though I do think you should
start any experiment with a short enough timeline that it
doesn't feel intimidating. So I'll give you an example.
(10:10):
I drank pretty heavily basicallymy whole life and I I I'm now
sober. I haven't had a drink in 2 1/2
years. It was not thank you.
It was not intentional. It was during that health
(10:30):
journey I talked about during the the talk.
I quit alcohol for 30 days just as an experiment as like well
I'm trying to get these last fewkilos off like let's give up the
booze for a while. I'd never done it before and the
30 days was my health coach being honest.
Now I'm being being transparent here.
(10:52):
I did not decide to quit for 30 days.
My health coach was like you lazy piece of shit you drink too
much. I've been telling you this for
two years. You should do 30 days without
alcohol. And you know, it was finally I
was like, OK, 30 days is doable.It's not that bad.
And what happened was I did the 30 days and when I got to the
(11:15):
end of it, it went so well. It was, it exceeded my
expectations by far. I there was all sorts of
cognitive and emotional and justlifestyle benefits that I were
completely unanticipated that I was like, shit, I'm like, I'm
enjoying this, this train that I'm on, like, let's do 90.
(11:35):
And so then I did 90 and then actually at the end of the 90, I
had AI had a drink, which was anexperiment of like, I wonder
what it's going to be like when I go back and have a drink
again. And when I had the drink, I was
like, wow, this is, this is terrible.
I feel awful. And so I gave up alcohol and I
haven't had it since. But my point is, is that I think
(11:58):
the, the, I think in general, people are too rigid with their
goals. People get way too attached to
the 30 days or the, the 10 kilosor, you know, the certain amount
of money they want to make. What matters is the
directionality and the information you're gaining by
(12:20):
doing the thing. So anytime a goal stops serving
you, anytime an experiment stopsserving you, you don't feel like
you're learning anything new. And it's clear that like you
don't like this stop anytime youare learning something new, even
if you don't really like it, as long as you're learning
(12:41):
something new, you should keep going.
And at some point, if you if it's making you miserable, then
you should try to alter the experiment to try to find a way
to not make yourself miserable. But the real thing, the real
point of all this is just information, learning about
yourself, understanding yourself.
I know not drinking show me likemade me aware of so much shit in
myself that I never anticipated and and there's a lot of things
(13:07):
like that. So.
So yeah, that's the best answer I got.
Thank you. I feel like it's a very like,
common human thing, but the ideaof like, not caring about what
other people think or say about you because every single time it
(13:28):
feels like I want to live my ownlife and do what I want, there's
always someone that I don't really talk to that has
something to say about it. Yeah, people suck.
Tell me about it. There's a thing I wrote a couple
months ago. It was like, if you wouldn't ask
(13:50):
them for advice, then why the fuck do you care about their
criticism? And, and before you go, this is
the sort of thing that will never, there'll never be a point
in your life where people, like random people don't judge you.
That's just unfortunately a factof life.
(14:14):
The key is and and you will always care to a certain extent,
the key is to care about something else much more, right?
When you have something that's so important that it's worth
being disliked for, then then you become unstoppable.
Hi Mark, I'm a lawyer but I promise I'm not an asshole.
(14:43):
You talked a lot about the idea of killing versions of ourselves
and the examples you gave were more recently in your health
kick, but also when you were younger, sort of the idea of not
being a musician anymore in yourcareer.
Do you find that people, there'sa common thread of what people
find the hardest thing to give up, whether that's a
relationship or some sort of vice or something else?
(15:05):
Yeah, I think, I mean, you definitely nailed 2 of the big
ones. So many people stay in bad
relationships way too long. And I I think a lot of it
doesn't even have to do with theother person anymore.
It's like they've long stopped liking or respecting the other
person. It's just they don't know who
they are outside of that relationship and they're afraid
(15:28):
to figure that out. And so they stay in longer and
they continue to justify it. Addiction is a big one because
you know, as anybody who has gone through a A will tell you,
like, so like addicts build their identity around their
their addiction and and so when you remove the addiction, then
(15:52):
you have to start dealing with all these second and 3rd order
effects around their life and their lifestyle.
I'd say careers. Another one.
Coincidentally, I've met many lawyers who absolutely fucking
hate their job, but they like the money.
I'm I'm glad you like your job, but you've probably met them
(16:16):
too. Like it's, you know, they like
the money, they like the the prestige, they like the the
corner office, like all the stuff that they've achieved.
And it's extremely hard to give that up because if they give
that up, then who are they? Right.
Those are probably the biggest three I would say that you see
(16:37):
the most often. So thank you.
Hi, Mark. Hello I.
Have a pretty straightforward question for your last one,
which is what is your best advice for a long term
successful marriage? Fighting is going to be
(17:03):
inevitable. I think judgment is optional,
and I think it's really, really important to understand both of
those things. I find that like a lot of people
either assume that they should never fight because they they,
if they do start fighting, then they start judging each other
and say all sorts of mean things.
(17:27):
And then a lot of people fight alot and they think that sort of
thing is normal. I think it's conflict is
expected and it's necessary. In a lot of ways it's actually
good because it keeps both people aligned and aware of the
other person's needs. And it also, if you have
(17:49):
successful conflict, which is essentially what I'm talking
about here, where where the conflict is productive rather
than destructive. It builds trust.
You actually need conflict to build trust.
Like you need to see the other person get pissed off at you and
storm out or whatever and feel hurt and then resolve it and
(18:11):
make up and things are actually better because that builds
trust. And then it like reinforces the
fact of like this is, OK, I'm safe with this person.
You know, something terrible is not going to happen.
Like that's where the real intimacy comes from.
So conflict's inevitable and necessary, but the judgement is
not. And and where conflict can
(18:33):
easily turn toxic is when peoplestop making it about the thing
about the value difference and they make it about the person.
So you know, instead of you didn't load the dishwasher,
right. It's like you're a slobby lazy
person or you know, you instead of like, Hey, I'd appreciate it
(18:56):
if you had like better financialawareness.
It's like you're horrible with money and I can't trust you to
like have a credit card anymore,you know?
So it's doing the whole like love this, love the Sinner, hate
the sin type thing. And speaking to each other in
terms of like, values and needs and respecting the values and
(19:17):
needs of each other without turning it personal and
demeaning each other and, and turn it into a power struggle of
like, who's scoring the most points against somebody else.
I guess my, my whole answer hereis just fight productively.
Fight productively. Yeah.
(19:42):
I have a relationship question. Lucky you.
Yeah. Lucky them to share with us.
Random collection of people. Yes.
About 3 months ago, I met a woman.
We've been getting on very well,and recently, because of some
personal problems in her life, we had a little bit of a
(20:03):
roadblock. We've talked through what those
problems were, and she's now asked if we can be friends for a
number of weeks while she sorts through those personal problems
with the idea or the hope and tension of coming back together
as romantic partners. My question is, given what I've
explained, do you think it's likely that we would come back
(20:23):
together? So it's Mark Stradamus over
here. What was funny about any of
that? My heart's on my sleeve here.
No, no, no. We, I think they're, they're,
(20:48):
they're laughing at my lack of my lack of prediction abilities.
They're not laughing at you. I'm sorry to hear that.
First of all, it's hard for me to say.
It's like without knowing detail.
The the tough thing about relationship issues is that is
so much of it really does boil down to the details.
(21:10):
But it can definitely go either way.
Like neither, neither direction would surprise me.
So if I had to like put odds on it, I would put it around 5050.
But let let me say this, I thinkwhat's really important for you
(21:31):
during this period is to simply let it play out because clearly
it's like whatever's going on, it's about her, right?
And if she comes back, then great, because that will
validate and solidify all the things that you felt and all the
potential that you see in this relationship.
(21:51):
And if she doesn't come back, then it just means that it
wasn't the right person for you.And and that's, and it frees you
to go find somebody else. So it's a win win.
So just don't try to control it.Let it happen.
Perfect. Thank you.
Thank you. Wow.
A double clap looking at the US election.
(22:23):
One of the outcomes of this is we are seeing bad behavior at
the personal level being rewarded.
Would you say society as a wholeis no longer prizing civility
but rewarding bad behavior and why?
It's a good question. The short answer is yes, I think
(22:45):
it is rewarding bad behavior. The longer answer is, I don't
know if this is necessarily new.I think it's the bad behavior,
the definition of the bad behavior, of the type of bad
behavior has shifted. One of the things that I've
noticed, and I maybe maybe people here have noticed the
same thing, but you know, there's all these documentaries
(23:05):
that are coming out about the 90s and early 2000s, you know,
about different celebrities or political moments or whatever.
And it's funny because every time I watch one, I'm like,
people were such assholes. Like, people were so mean, just
common, like in the discourse, TV shows, tabloids, everything.
Like people were really antisocial.
(23:28):
And if you look at the music back then, it was very
antisocial. It was very destructive.
Drug use was glorified, you know, breaking, destroying hotel
rooms was glorified. And so it's funny because it's
like that bad behavior was rewarded back then, but because
we grew up with it, we don't, itdoesn't register.
(23:49):
And now the bad behavior that we're not used to is being
rewarded. And because we're not used to
it, that's registering. And so I, I don't know, like
ultimately bad behavior gets attention.
And the nature of media and pop culture is that it will always
reward what gets attention. And so some form of bad behavior
(24:10):
will always be rewarded to some degree or another.
I think it's just a a question of what is the bad behavior and
what is the cost like comes backto the trade off thing.
Is the cost here worth it or notin terms of the election?
I get the sense that this is like a thinly veiled Trump
question, which this is my sixthtime in Australia and I at this
(24:35):
point I'm I'm very used to get like explaining Trump to
Australians. So here's what I would say,
especially about this particularmoment in time.
If you want to understand why he's being rewarded, you have to
understand that there's a very large part of the United States
that is felt ignored, condescended to, overlooked and
(25:00):
demeaned rightfully or wrongfully.
Like you could argue whether they they're justified or not,
but the point is they have felt that way for decades and he has
found a way to tap into that. And because he's tapped into
that, they like it when he's mean, They like it when he's an
asshole. And so he's rewarded for it.
(25:21):
So I'm not, it sucks, but like, it is what it is.
And I think it's coming back to my point about being honest.
I find that a lot of people in the United States particularly,
like, I find that people on the left like don't want to be
honest about that. They want to find all these
other reasons why he keeps winning and they want all these
(25:46):
other justifications that fits their preconceived notions.
They don't want to see, like what's plainly there, that he's
tapped into a lot of anger that's existed in the country
from multiple decades, and that's why he keeps getting
rewarded for it. So that's my opinion.
That's my take. Thank you.
(26:12):
Hi Mark. I want to talk about trade-offs
because I sort of I go to the gym and it's a trade off and I
love that trade off. It's great.
What are some trade-offs that are pretty awesome that people
should do that aren't obvious? It's a great question.
(26:33):
I do think health related ones have like just a lot of non
obvious upside, Jim being one ofthem, exercise being one of
them. I it's funny.
So I stopped drinking 2 1/2 years ago and it was completely
unintentional. It started as an experiment and
(26:57):
initially it was just to lose weight and I, I, you know, I
drank a lot my entire life and Ireally, really enjoyed it.
As I said last time I was an Adelaide, I was shit faced
pretty much the whole time. The wine here is so good guys,
seriously well done, well done. So I, I, I did a 30 day no
(27:17):
alcohol thing and it like blew my mind the cognitive benefits,
the emotional benefits, like theamount of energy I had.
I got stronger in the gym without any extra effort.
Like it just started compoundingon all these things and it
really blew me away. I I also think in terms of
trade-offs, I think this kind ofties into the relationship
(27:39):
thing. I think in relationships there
are small things often have disproportionate benefits,
right? So checking in with people,
which is the text message occasionally like
disproportionately rewards you because it keeps you connected
that person and it like opens upsocial opportunities that you
(27:59):
otherwise wouldn't have. And I also think developing good
habits around conversation skills, like asking good
questions, like also has very disproportionate benefits.
I, I, I, I honestly think like most of the good things that
happened to us throughout life happens because of other people.
And you know, so the more you can connect yourself with other
people, like the more you're going to benefit from that.
(28:21):
So I guess what I'm circling around here is it's actually the
mundane stuff. It's the boring stuff that has a
shocking amount of upside, but it's not sexy and it doesn't
like, you know, get any clicks on Instagram.
So people, people overlook it and but ultimately it is boring
(28:44):
and mundane for a reason. It's because it's it's what
works. So thank you.
So obviously your book is aimed at adults.
I'm 38. I guess that would kind of maybe
the average age of people here. I don't know.
(29:06):
I'm here tonight with my son's foster mum, which is a big deal
for me to admit, and our caseworker is actually also in
the audience, so we're an unlikely trio to be here
tonight. My son is coming back into my
care on the 22nd of November andyour work, along with the work
(29:26):
of Gabor Mate has been fundamental in me actually
pulling my finger out and realising what the Hell's going
on. Now if you were to put something
together that was aimed at a lower age demographic, basically
when my kid comes home, what of your stuff?
Should I start integrating straight away so that he does
(29:47):
not fuck himself up or I don't fuck him up?
And like, if you were going to write a kids book the Subtle out
of not giving a crap, what wouldyou fundamentally be putting
into that? And big love to Sarah, his
foster mum, and Phoebe, the caseworker, who's in the audience
tonight as well. Congratulations, by the way.
(30:08):
That's, that's amazing. How old is he?
He is his sixth on the 30th of November, so he comes home a
week before his birthday. OK, so the age matters a lot
because, you know, just the nature of child development,
like they, they're literally notable to conceive of certain
(30:30):
things until certain ages, right?
So I generally tell people that,you know, my work is very
identity driven, values driven, accommodate figuring out pain,
suffering, dealing with hardship, stuff like that.
And most of that sort of stuff comes online in early
(30:50):
adolescence to mid adolescence. So when I get this question, I
always tell people teenagers forsure.
And I've even had teachers who are like, can I just like delete
all the F bombs and, you know, give this chapter to my students
or whatever. I'm like, yeah, of course.
So teenagers for sure. When you get younger than that,
(31:11):
you know, the, the kind of the project of a healthy child at
each age range is a little bit different, you know, six to six
to eight years old. Honestly, the the most important
thing you can do is just supporthim emotionally and, and be
present and be accepting and, you know, try to set hurdles in
(31:33):
front of him that he can clear and then and then the ones he
doesn't clear, support him, you know, let him know it's OK and
help like encourage him to try again.
You know, that that is probably your most important role for the
next three to four years is justbe like a stable emotional force
in his life and let him find hisown latch over here.
(31:57):
So. Today, Mark, a lot of people
close to me suffer from impostersyndrome.
From your experiences, how did you overcome imposter syndrome?
And the second part of the question is, do you believe it
is something you have to overcome yourself or as a
support person or someone you'reclose with, can you be involved
(32:20):
with their self, self realization of that?
I think imposter syndrome you can definitely overcome.
You know, I think imposter syndrome is just a mismatch
between expectation and reality.It's like my expectation of my
own skill or worth is here and the world is telling me it's
(32:41):
here, right? And that fucks with people just
as much as the the reverse fuckswith them as well.
In the case of imposter syndrome, I feel like it's, it's
simply remembering it's two things.
It's one, it's remembering what you're good at and the all the
(33:02):
work you put into being good at it.
And then I think the second thing is, is also, and this is
kind of the mindset shift that Ieventually got to was was like,
OK, well, it's here now. So, you know, live up to it,
right? If this is where the expectation
is, then like work up to that new expectation.
Don't sit around freaking out being like, Oh my God, all these
(33:23):
people expect all this stuff from me.
It's like, no, fucking get to work, start practicing, get
better, build the skills and like earn your way up to it.
And I found that useful. I don't know if that's going to
necessarily work for everybody, but it's, it's, you know, I
(33:45):
think however, you can close that gap between expectation
and, and, and where you actuallyare is whether it's by lowering
your own expectations or workingyour way up to those
expectations that will resolve the the anxiety.
So thank you. OK.
Hi, Mark, Hello. On behalf of the room, thank you
(34:05):
so much for these microtherapy sessions.
Just wanted to say that do you have a litmus test to sense
check when relationship trade-offs are leading you to
settle for less than what you think you deserve?
It's hard. This question is hard because
there are so many people out there who think they deserve
(34:28):
shit, and then there are a lot of people out there who think
they deserve everything. And so I think a lot of it boils
down to what do you think you deserve and how realistic is
that? I think ultimately what you
(34:50):
should expect is respect, trust,open communication, some shared
values, generally enjoying your time with the other person.
I think if your expectations start to exceed that
drastically, then you're, you'resetting yourself up for a lot of
(35:13):
heartbreak and failure. And I think if your expectations
fail to meet that drastically, you're also setting yourself up
for a lot of heartbreak and failures.
So I guess that's the best way Ican answer that.
Thank you. Hi Mark, I struggle with being
(35:33):
overly empathetic to the point where it gets you in trouble.
Have a bad habit of just seeing the good and everyone and most
importantly, giving everyone thebenefit of the doubt so some
asshole cuts you off. I don't get upset about it
anymore. Maybe they're having the worst
fucking day of their lives. I'll let it go.
Those sort of things. But I find myself doing that
(35:57):
with everything and everyone, which makes it very hard to sort
of stand your ground and have a backbone, essentially.
And I feel like the one time I do sort of stand my ground, I
get it so wrong that I've hurt the person's feelings.
And yeah, if you had any advice on that sort of thing, if you
(36:20):
can gauge the question out of that.
I love this question because it's Oscar Wilde has this great
quote where he says everything in moderation, including
moderation. It's funny because, you know,
empathy is so important, but if all you do is empathize all the
time, then you get walked over, right?
(36:42):
So you need to be able to set boundaries and set limits and
say no to people and disappoint people and occasionally hurt or
upset people. But you don't want to always
hurt and upset people and alwayssay no to people, you know.
So there's like, it's, it's a very tricky thing, but I would
(37:03):
look at it like this, standing up for yourself.
It's a skill and like all skills, you're really bad at it
if you've never done it before. And so the first few times it's
going to be very messy and clunky and you're probably going
to be overly emotional and overreact and, you know, maybe
upset the other person. It's as you do it more, you'll
(37:24):
get better at it. And what I would say is that
it's helpful to really establishfor yourself beforehand the
things that you will and will not tolerate in your life absent
of the person. Because it's like once the
person's in your life and they do the thing that you don't want
(37:45):
to tolerate, well, you know themand you kind of like them.
And it's like, well, they don't mean it.
Like they're a good person. And maybe if I give them another
chance, like all those things start entering your head and you
know it, it's a slippery slope. Whereas if you establish way
beforehand what you do and do not tolerate in your life, that
(38:06):
they're just rules you have for everybody, then when that person
does show up and do those behaviors, it's already
resolved. You already know, sorry, you're
gone. And the result of this is that
you actually end up maybe cutting off people kind of
(38:27):
quickly more often, but it prevents you a lot of headaches
down the road. It's kind of like, you know,
they always say in business, be slow to hire and fast to fire.
Like it's kind of like that for personal relationships too.
Like you, you want to catch the behaviour early, catch the red
flag. And just once you see that first
red flag, you know, in this day and age where you can meet so
(38:50):
many people, it's like, yeah, I'm not going to not going to
mess with that. So hopefully that's helpful.
Thank you. Thank you.
Welcome, Mark, to Perth. You might recently have heard
that the Australian Government are going to implement age
restrictions on social media forchildren up to 16 years of age.
(39:14):
I wonder what your thoughts are about how that will actually run
in terms of a 16 year old now that actually that's their
social life and where that's going to hit.
I think it's great. I, by the way, I didn't know
this until I landed in Sydney airport and I saw a big thing
talking about like teenage Instagram or something like
(39:36):
that. I think this is fantastic.
A friend of mine, Jonathan Haidt, he's been spending the
last five years researching this, accumulating like all the
research on it. He just put out a amazing book
called The Anxious Generation. To me, the evidence of social
(39:57):
media affecting young people below the age of say 1516141516.
Like anything below that, it seems pretty inarguable that
it's, it's a bad thing. I imagine it will be messy when
they implement it. Like it'll kids will find a way
around it and then you know, it'll be, there'll be a lot of
(40:20):
uncertainty and stuff. But I, I just think the long
term trend is that. We should try to delay some of
this stuff as long as possible. And, and so I, I do think, I
think your government's doing the right thing.
And they are, as far as I know, they're, they're the first ones
doing it. So good on you.
Australia. Hi, I'm 16, what's like your
(40:47):
best piece of advice or wisdom that you could give me?
Stay off social media. That was like a layup.
No, no, no, no. I'm going to answer.
I'm going to answer. Thank.
You it's just too good. I couldn't pass it up.
(41:08):
Advice for young people. So what I generally tell
teenagers is the whole point of this period of your life is to
really figure out who you are, what you like, what you don't
like, who you like, who you don't like, what sort of people
(41:29):
you want to associate with. And this is going to be a
process of a lot of experimentation.
My experience is that a lot of people your age and even much
older, up to kids and uni kids and kids in the early 20s,
there's this immense pressure that they put on themselves.
(41:50):
And some of that pressure comes from school, it comes from
universities, it comes from parents, whatever that you
should have a path figured out. And I think that's unrealistic.
I think it's very rare for anyone your age to know who they
are, who they're going to be andwhat they're going to do.
And so as you go through this process of experimenting, trying
(42:15):
on new identities, trying new activities, exploring different
groups of people, exploring aspects of yourself, it's going
to be a roller coaster ride. There's going to be a lot of
great moments and a lot of dark moments.
Just understand that that is allnormal and part of the process
and there's nothing wrong with you.
You're doing it. That's exactly what you should
(42:37):
be doing, and take your time with it.
Thank you so much. Hi, so I think I do the trade
off part quite a lot where I'm holding the positive and
negative, but it's potentially to the point where it's actually
too much and I suffer from that analysis paralysis problem.
(43:00):
I was just wondering your thoughts on that kind of extreme
and how, if you have any recommendations, how you would
deal with it? It's a good problem in that
you're like, you've trained yourself to to be able to
measure those things. This is where the, you know,
(43:20):
this is where the that the pain hack comes in.
Because my guess is like where you're getting stuck is you're
you're purely looking at it in terms of like, you know, does
this benefit outweigh the cost? But if you find the cost that
you actually kind of secretly relish, like costs aren't to be
avoided. It's define the cost that you
(43:44):
feel like you gain by giving up,if that makes sense.
So I, I think it's, if you look at it in those terms, it could
probably help. I'm guessing there's probably a
lot of perfectionism around thisas well of like, let's optimize.
Like what's the most benefit I can get for like each unit of
effort and all this stuff? Yeah, I like to say that that
(44:15):
being optimal is suboptimal, that trying to optimize
everything actually prevents youfrom important experiences of
screwing up and, you know, messing around and learning
things about yourself. So try to keep that in mind as
well. Thank you.
Thank you. Hi Mark, so I'm 15 years old and
(44:44):
I find myself caring about people's opinion at school too
much and I was wondering what your advice for me would be to
stop caring about the popular guys opinions as.
Much. Yeah.
(45:07):
By show of hands, how many people struggled with the same
thing when you were 15 I think that is literally everybody in
this room I'm going to I'm goingto give you a few answers here.
This is very normal at your age,you should care what people
(45:29):
around you think. This is the time of your life
that you're really discovering your social relationships and
how to get along with people andhow to build relationships with
people. And so this is part of that
process is like caring a little bit too much.
So there's, I guess the first point here and, and all the
raised hands proved it is that there's absolutely nothing
(45:51):
abnormal about this struggle that you're going through.
And, and it will naturally get better as you get older.
So that's Part 1. Part 2 is, you know, kids your
age can, can kind of suck. Like they can be very judgmental
and that that's hard to deal with a lot of the time.
(46:12):
The best advice I can give is you're never going to stop
carrying what people think, but you can.
The trick is to find something more important than what people
think. Like, ask yourself, what is so
important in my life that I'm willing to be disliked for it?
(46:33):
Because once you start finding those things, then you kind of
become unstoppable. Like it just stops mattering.
It's not that it doesn't hurt and it's not that it doesn't
bother you. It's just that it stops
mattering, that it hurts, and that it bothers you, if that
makes sense. Yeah.
Good luck man. Thanks very much.
You'll make it. Hey, Mark, with the whole
(47:02):
spectrum of artificial intelligence being making us
think less and taking over the world, what's your view on a way
of thinking that we can use to be more relevant in this future
that's evolving before us? I love this question.
I'm thinking a lot about this question because I mean, I think
(47:24):
AI is going to eat a lot of my industry, right?
Like it's if you go to, if you go to Chachi PT now and you ask
it to give you advice in the style of Mark Manson, it's
hilariously bad. If you ever, if you ever want to
amuse yourself, try it. But one day it won't be right.
(47:45):
And so it's, I've been thinking quite a bit the last year or two
about this. I like the idea that anytime
scarcity is removed in one area,it's added in another.
And So what AI does is it removes scarcity around a access
to information, but also be likethe personalization of
(48:07):
information. Basically it just makes it makes
information so automatic and fluid and seamless that I think
information itself, which in my case would be like advice
itself, is going to become a commodity and essentially free.
So then the question is what becomes more scarce?
(48:29):
I think it's human connection. I think it's emotional
connection. I think it's in person.
Things like this will become more scarce and more valuable.
People will start to perceive them as more valuable in the
next 10 years. Because you know, all the this
whole talk could probably in five years, there's probably
(48:50):
some AI that could just generatethis for you and probably
deliver it to you in my voice. But actually being here in the
room together, laughing together, making jokes together,
whatever, that can't be replicated.
So I definitely see that. I think and I hope people are
(49:14):
going to start putting more of apremium on that as we go
forward. Yeah.
Great. Thank you.
Thank you. Hi Mark, you had a slide.
Evil people don't think they are, they think other people
are. And then you made a throwaway
line that might be true in the opposite with good.
(49:36):
My question for you, which has been on my mind for the last few
days, is some of the nicest people I know that do the best
in the world can't seem to access that feeling about
themselves. So it's almost like they're a
conduit for good. But none gets stuck on them on
the way through. And I'd like to know what you
(49:56):
think about this phenomenon. I think it's a very real thing.
I think it makes sense to me that probably the most
positively impactful people in the world are maybe not
necessarily happy or emotionallyfunctional themselves.
(50:17):
Like if you imagine somebody whoexhibits like goes to such
extremes to give value to, to people or see the best in people
or provide service for people, it makes sense to me that there
there's probably some neuroticism that's driving some
(50:39):
of that. And so you you get kind of this
paradoxical thing where you knowthe best people aren't
necessarily the happiest and vice versa.
This is this is one of many reasons that I often talk about
why happiness is overrated. You can be you can.
There are a lot of pieces of shit that are very happy with
(51:00):
themselves. So I definitely think it is it
is a legit phenomenon. You, you see this a lot too.
Not to say that business people are necessarily good people, but
you see it in like, you know, genius artists or genius
(51:21):
entrepreneurs CE OS like they have like they're driven by some
dark shit. And it's it's in a weird way, it
becomes their gift to the world.So it is paradoxical.
I think it is a thing. I don't know what else to make
of it, but I'm with you. Thank you.
(51:43):
Yeah. Hallie I just got really
nervous. So as somebody in their like
latish 30s who's searching for purpose and has been forever,
how do you actually go about finding your purpose?
(52:06):
So this is, this is a good opportunity to get to get real
about purpose, right? Part of my talk was that most of
our struggles is just having unrealistic expectations or
perceptions of what we're actually doing.
And I think purpose is one of those things that I think people
(52:29):
set unrealistic expectations for.
So a few things. One is, I don't think anybody
has one singular purpose. Like there's not, it's, it's
very rare. And that you're ever going to
find like one thing of like thisis what adds purpose to my life.
There's probably a mixture of things or, or like a portfolio
(52:51):
of things that bring purpose to your life.
The second thing is, is that it's I don't like the word find
because it, it implies that it'slike hidden somewhere out there
and I have to like go digging through a bunch of shit to find
it. Purpose is made.
Purpose is the the byproduct of sacrificing for something that
(53:15):
feels important. And so the question is really
just what seems important. If you can find the thing that
seems important, then you can start sacrificing for it.
And that sacrificing for it willgive you a sense of purpose and
meaning and direction in your life.
And I think the reason this is such a salient topic these days
(53:38):
is, is for the exact reason thatI, I finished the talk, which is
just, we are bombarded with so many seemingly important things
that it's really hard to focus on one long enough to sacrifice
for it. And so I would say start by
eliminating things. Run experiments.
What if I stop doing this thing for a month?
(53:59):
What if I stop hanging out with that person for a month?
What if I stop doing this thing at work?
What happens? Do I miss it or am I actually
happier without it? And you'll start discovering
which things are actually addinga lot of a lot to your life and
which are not. And as you go through that
(54:20):
process, you'll start to whittleit down.
And you'll find those two or three things that feel more
important than everything else. And then you'll have the space
to actually start committing andmaking the sacrifice for it.
Is that helpful? Yeah.
Thank you. Cool, thanks.
(54:41):
Hi Mark, your World War Three survivor #3 really resonated
with me and I'm sorry I forgot his name.
Sorry, Jean Paul Sartre. Yes, Jean Paul Shaw.
So it's the part that you mentioned about him finding
comfort in the prison. And I relate that to my life and
(55:05):
about how through support, I've created what I could see in your
when you describe that as a prison for loved ones by support
and caring. And at what point does support
and caring become a prison? And you're holding people you
love from back, from thriving. How do you draw that line?
(55:30):
It's a great question. I would say it becomes a prison
when it when it is a form of escape.
And that is a very real thing. So I mean, there's a concept
known as codependence, which is you could think of it as almost
as an addiction to other people's problems, because as
(55:53):
long as you're fixing other people's problems, you don't
have to think about your own. And I think like all addictions,
it's a blurry line. It's a difficult definition.
It's hard to like all addictions, you rationalize it
and you find reasons why it's justified and why it's not such
(56:14):
a big deal and why it's actuallya good thing.
So it is hard. It's very, it's a hardened, very
nebulous thing to like tie down.I would say that again, I'm
going to come back to the experiment with giving things
(56:37):
up. So for a codependent person who
feels this constant obligation to support others and be there
for others, run an experiment of, hey, for the next two weeks
or for the next month or for thenext week, I'm not going to
support this person. And if that's going to disrupt
(57:00):
the relationship, then maybe talk to them about it and be
like, look, I feel like I'm being codependent and I think
it's really important for my ownhealth to to see if I can stand
on my own and have a little bit of distance.
But run that experiment with different people in your life
and you'll learn something aboutyourself And you'll learn like
(57:23):
what you'll find is that the healthy relationships, they'll
understand, they'll be happy foryou actually, because the the
healthy, the healthy people in your life probably already know
that this is what you need. It's the unhealthy relationships
that will get very upset. Thank you.
(57:47):
Hi, I'm Melissa. I think there's probably a lot
of us in this room mid 30s got an OK job in mining.
I'm uncomfortable money but justfeeling like there's like a
bigger life meant for me. I've had a crack starting a side
business. I rent out these mini pink
caravans and I'm like yes, the arrows of the get shot at me for
(58:08):
this. I can enjoy these like this is
OK. I can handle this.
I loved the thing that you said about experimenting like just
have constant experiments until you get you find something that
works to stay committed. My question is, after experiment
after experiment, after experiment, failure, failure,
failure, what advice do you haveto keep overcoming all the
(58:32):
little failures to keep pushing until you find the way that
works? I think, well, first of all, the
string of failures never stops. It's just the failures get
better. And I think recognizing that
(58:53):
progress is, is important. It's hard to sometimes as, as a
somebody who also is an entrepreneur who drives himself
very hard, It's sometimes it, I go a long time without like
stopping and smelling the roses and being like, wait, I've come
a long way. Holy shit.
(59:14):
So I think it's a good practice to remember that.
But if, if the, if the failures are feeling overwhelming again,
I, this is what I love about theexperiment thing is that you can
modulate the experiments to makesuccess easier.
So I'll give you an example thathas nothing to do with business.
(59:35):
I was talking to a good friend of mine who's a meditation
teacher. And I was talking to him once.
And I was like, you know, it's, it's funny because like when I
lose track of my meditation practice, it's like 15 sitting
for 15 minutes just like feels like an eternity.
Whereas when I'm meditating regularly, 15 minutes feels like
nothing. But I was like, I don't know, it
(59:55):
gets skewed in my head. So how do I get over the fat?
And he was like, so sit for 15 seconds.
He's like, you could do that, right?
I'm like, yeah, yeah, I can. And he's like, great.
And then once you do it for 15 seconds, do it for 30.
And then once you do it for 30, do it for 60.
And he's like, before you know it, you'll be at 1515 minutes.
(01:00:16):
And I, I, I love that principle because I think you can take it
and apply it like whenever you feel emotionally like you need a
win, you just move the goal posts up and, and be easier on
yourself because then that showsyou the progress you're making.
Thank you. Yeah.
(01:00:36):
Hi, Ma. I, I have a question in terms of
someone who for most of my adultlife has lived in a very
self-centered, kind of ignorant,peachy, life is fun sort of
bubble that's quite recently been burst.
Because like, you know, you wakeup to the state of the world and
(01:00:58):
I'm not, I know I'm not going toget back to that because like
now I know what's going on and it's so depressing.
And I feel like, do you have anyadvice how to not let it's
basically like gotten to the point where every day is mundane
and it feels like, why bother doing the everyday stuff when
(01:01:19):
all of this shit's happening in the world And it just feels
really unimportant. And just kind of getting to a
space where, like, I don't know,you find value in the everyday
life again. Sure I'm glad you asked this No,
no, I'm really glad you asked this because I I feel like
there's a lot of people in your place and and it's not a good
(01:01:43):
place to be. Here's an experiment to run.
Stop for 30 days. Stop looking at any news and
instead, and then whatever your your particular thing you're
(01:02:03):
worried about, go find two or three history books about it.
Two things will happen. One is you'll realize you don't.
Without the news. You'll you'll realize you're not
missing anything. Second thing, you'll realize
when you read the history books,this is the best it's ever been.
(01:02:30):
I find hope in that yes, there'sa lot of shitty stuff in the
world. The world is still a mess, but
things have gotten so much better, so much better, and
they're continuing to get bettereach generation, slowly but
surely, agonizingly. It's not always linear.
(01:02:52):
There's sometimes there's like little regressions or detours,
but the the grand arc of historyis very much in the right
direction and holding that perspective I think is really,
really important. The other piece of advice I
would give is look for a local cause to get involved in channel
(01:03:17):
that energy here in Perth or WA.I think the nature of online
media and social media, I almostthink we're too globally aware
these days, like too much of ourattention is consumed by these
horrific things that are happening 10,020 thousand miles
(01:03:38):
away that literally have nothingto do with us.
And meanwhile, it's like our schools are fucked up.
There's like homelessness going on, like all these local
problems that we're oblivious tobecause they're not sexy and
they're not showing up on news feeds and people aren't like
screaming about them on on television or whatever.
(01:04:00):
So I think in general, we are over indexed globally and under
indexed locally. You can affect a lot of things
here in your community. You can make a difference for
people. You can see the positive change
happen in front of your eyes andthat that will mean everything.
Thanks. Hi Mark, Before I had my
(01:04:25):
daughter I worked in the area ofGreece, grief and loss,
supporting young people living with cancer here in WA.
I have a friend that's recently lost her husband to cancer and
is now a single parent. And they say, well, it's true
that there's only two things sure in life that we're born and
(01:04:45):
we're going to die. Yet as a society, we struggle to
talk about death, grief and loss.
And I just wondered what your perspective is on that and what
what do you think we can do better?
Oh, a question close to my heart.
(01:05:05):
As people who who have read the last chapter of Subtle Art know,
I lost a friend very close to mewhen I was young, and it ended
up being one of the most impactful experiences of my
life. I am a big proponent of the idea
of memento Mori, of consciously sitting and thinking about your
(01:05:29):
own death, the death of loved ones, the the mortality of
everybody around you, simply because it's all these questions
of what you value, what's worth pursuing, what's going to give
you purpose. Death clarifies those things.
Like when you're in a cancer ward, holy shit, you, it, it is
crystal clear. The two or three things that
(01:05:52):
matter and all the bullshit thatdoesn't.
And so I, I think and I hope that there are ways to tap into
that clarity without having to end up in a cancer ward, that
there are exercises that we can do with ourselves, thought
experiments, just, you know, I mean, even sometimes I didn't do
(01:06:15):
it today, but sometimes when I'mon a plane, I imagine it
crashing. I'm not joking.
I actually do. And I, I sometimes imagine, OK,
if the plane's going down, what would my thought about my life
be at the moment? And obviously, like, that's not
a fun thing to think about, but I do think it's valuable because
(01:06:38):
it it forces me to really consider, am I on the right
path? Am I doing the things that
matter? Have I been good to the people I
love? It's good to ask those
questions. And if that's what it takes to
like get that question in your head, so be it.
(01:06:59):
So thank you for asking this. This is, I believe very strongly
in this. Thank you.
Thank you Perth, it's been lovely.
You've been an amazing audience and I hope to be back one day,
hopefully soon. So thank you again.
(01:07:20):
Goodnight everybody.
Hello everybody, Mark Manson here.
And today I have something very special and a little bit
different for you. Back in November, I did a
speaking tour all across Australia.
I spoke in seven different cities and spoke to almost
10,000 people, including at the famed Opera House.
Now at the shows, we recorded the live Q&A sessions and well,
we picked a handful of the best ones to share with you on the
(00:21):
podcast today. So in today's episode, we're
going to be going through live Q&A and you're going to learn
the best method to improve yourself while staying true to
who you actually are. We're going to talk about why
you can't find your purpose in life and what to do instead.
We'll discuss the trade-offs that have an outsized return and
how to navigate those and figureout what they are.
(00:42):
We'll talk about turning imposter syndrome on its head
and no longer letting it hold you back.
I'll share what I think about Australia's ban on social media
for kids. For those of you who don't know,
Australia is forcing the social media platforms to create a kids
only section and I'm going to goover how to know if a
relationship is the right one for you.
And of course what it really means to stop giving a fuck so
(01:05):
you can start living the life you want.
Shout out to all the Australiansout there.
I know a ton of you are listening right now.
I appreciate you coming out for the events.
Honestly it was the experience of a lifetime.
It was a dream to speak in some of those venues.
You Aussies are very well versedin the no fucks given
philosophy. In fact, I have a YouTube video
going up on Sunday all about that.
It's a vlog of the tour and alsoan investigation into why
(01:27):
Australians just give 0 fucks. So be sure to check that out.
And in the meantime, if you wantto send in your questions,
comments, love letters, trolling, hate mail, pictures of
your cats, you can send them thepodcast at markmanson.net.
And I will make Drew read all ofthem.
So we'll be back next week with a regularly scheduled podcast
episode. In the meantime, here is the
(01:47):
Australian Q&A. It's the Subtle Art of Not
Giving a Fuck podcast with your host Mark Manson.
We're just going to try to move through as many people as
possible, so anybody who wants to ask anything, please come up
to the mic. Do we have anybody?
(02:09):
Any brave souls? How does one identify what truly
matters in life to them when everything seems so important?
And overwhelming, well, there's a, there's a, a quick way and,
and a long way. The quick way is to almost die.
And, and that's not a joke to anybody here who has had a, a
(02:37):
near death experience or who hashad somebody very close to them
die suddenly. Nothing shows you what matters
in that moment more. The long way I think is the most
reliable thing that I found is just process of elimination.
You don't really know how much you value something until it's
(02:58):
removed from your life. Because when it's in your life,
you you, you're not objective about it.
You get attached to all the nicelittle perks and cute little
hats you get to wear and people who pat you on the back.
It's only when it's taken away from you or temporarily removed.
This comes back to the experiment thing.
When it's temporary, temporarilyremoved, then you can actually
(03:21):
see. Huh.
Yeah, I actually wasn't getting a whole lot out of that.
And so, yeah, my advice to people is usually try removing
things for periods of time and see how how you respond.
And a lot of times it will surprise you.
Thank you. Hello.
(03:45):
Hi, significantly negative traitof all of us.
I think most of us is procrastination.
Recently a podcast you did with Brandon Novak, his mentor,
stated that procrastination is like masturbation.
You're only fucking yourself. Why then?
Most of us are aware of this, but yet we still continue to
(04:08):
fuck ourselves. Oh Brandon is so eloquent.
Funny story about him is he cameon my podcast and within, no
shit, within 3 minutes he was taking his pants off.
(04:28):
He came in, It was, it was his hilarious.
He came in, met my producer Drew, and we were just kind of
like having small talk and, and Drew was like, yeah, I'm from
Nebraska and Brandon's like, oh dude, I got to show you my
tattoo about Nebraska. And he just like started undoing
his pants totally butt ass naked.
And he had this, he had this tattoo on his upper thigh that
(04:51):
said, it said I got fucked in the ass in Nebraska and all I
got was this tattoo. I'm not making any of that hub.
So procrastination is it's so mytake on procrastination is that
it is primarily emotionally driven.
(05:14):
And I think there's two ways to think about it. 1 is that
anytime our perception of a taskfeels overwhelming, and that and
overwhelming can mean a lot of different things.
They can mean difficult, it can mean extremely significant, it
can mean risky, basically overwhelming in any sense of
(05:38):
like, I guess salience or importance.
Our natural reaction is to kind of resist it and find reasons to
like, you know, it's uncomfortable.
And so we we find excuses to putit off or, you know, pretend
like it doesn't need to be done today.
(06:00):
And I think So what I've found in my life, the most effective
way, the combat procrastination is to simply lower the stakes on
something is to instead of sitting down and being like, OK,
I need to I need to write like A10 page article today.
And this article is going to be,you know, published in this
(06:21):
place and read by thousands. And you know, if I start
thinking about that, it's going to freak me out.
Instead, I just sit down and I'mlike, OK, let's write a good
intro. And that's it.
I don't think past that. And when you're able to like
bite size things down into like more manageable chunks, that
(06:42):
sense of overwhelm dissipates and it, and it becomes easier to
do. And that the other beautiful
thing about it too, is that onceyou do do the bite sized
version, it gives you emotional momentum and you're able to like
continue on longer into the task.
So that's the most effective thing I've ever found for
myself. I guess a distant second would
(07:05):
be to to set up your environmentin a way to kind of like create
incentive And and part of that might be like try to make it a
little bit fun, but ultimately it's just I just lower the
stakes until it stops being scary and overwhelming and then
I get to work. So I hope that helps.
Thank you. Hello.
(07:26):
Hi. Sorry I'm really nervous, but I
guess after you've been through something in your life that's
been quite traumatizing, how canyou actually stop the mindset
that the world is at to get you instead of just pretending you
don't give a fuck about it? Yeah, pretending it's not good.
(07:54):
It's hard. It's exhausting, for one.
But it also like, I think it causes you to show up in the
world, you know, censoring who you are.
And that's never a good thing, that that doesn't make things
better. I think a huge part of this is
(08:15):
collecting evidence that the world's not out to get you
right. Like find people in your life
that are trustworthy, find places in your life that are
safe, find people that you can share things with and be
vulnerable with and expose yourself to and, and see that
(08:39):
nothing horrible happens. Now to somebody who's been
through a lot of trauma. That's much easier said than
done, but that is the project and it's a very long term
project. I think that's ultimately that
is the healing process is like taking that part of yourself
(09:00):
that somebody else hurt deeply and then having a relationship
with a new person who doesn't hurt you in the same context.
And it, it helps you rebuild that trust and people in general
and trust in the world in general.
So that that's the long term solution.
I don't have any short term solutions, unfortunately, but it
(09:25):
is possible and it does happen and it's, it's a long road, but
I, I would say stop pretending you can give a fuck.
Just tell people. You mentioned experiments.
How long would you give an experiment before you sort of
realized that it didn't work? It's a great question.
(09:49):
The annoying answer is it depends on the experiment.
So I think some things you can you can recognize quite quickly
and others take a long time to tie into the procrastination
point. Though I do think you should
start any experiment with a short enough timeline that it
doesn't feel intimidating. So I'll give you an example.
(10:10):
I drank pretty heavily basicallymy whole life and I I I'm now
sober. I haven't had a drink in 2 1/2
years. It was not thank you.
It was not intentional. It was during that health
(10:30):
journey I talked about during the the talk.
I quit alcohol for 30 days just as an experiment as like well
I'm trying to get these last fewkilos off like let's give up the
booze for a while. I'd never done it before and the
30 days was my health coach being honest.
Now I'm being being transparent here.
(10:52):
I did not decide to quit for 30 days.
My health coach was like you lazy piece of shit you drink too
much. I've been telling you this for
two years. You should do 30 days without
alcohol. And you know, it was finally I
was like, OK, 30 days is doable.It's not that bad.
And what happened was I did the 30 days and when I got to the
(11:15):
end of it, it went so well. It was, it exceeded my
expectations by far. I there was all sorts of
cognitive and emotional and justlifestyle benefits that I were
completely unanticipated that I was like, shit, I'm like, I'm
enjoying this, this train that I'm on, like, let's do 90.
(11:35):
And so then I did 90 and then actually at the end of the 90, I
had AI had a drink, which was anexperiment of like, I wonder
what it's going to be like when I go back and have a drink
again. And when I had the drink, I was
like, wow, this is, this is terrible.
I feel awful. And so I gave up alcohol and I
haven't had it since. But my point is, is that I think
(11:58):
the, the, I think in general, people are too rigid with their
goals. People get way too attached to
the 30 days or the, the 10 kilosor, you know, the certain amount
of money they want to make. What matters is the
directionality and the information you're gaining by
(12:20):
doing the thing. So anytime a goal stops serving
you, anytime an experiment stopsserving you, you don't feel like
you're learning anything new. And it's clear that like you
don't like this stop anytime youare learning something new, even
if you don't really like it, as long as you're learning
(12:41):
something new, you should keep going.
And at some point, if you if it's making you miserable, then
you should try to alter the experiment to try to find a way
to not make yourself miserable. But the real thing, the real
point of all this is just information, learning about
yourself, understanding yourself.
I know not drinking show me likemade me aware of so much shit in
myself that I never anticipated and and there's a lot of things
(13:07):
like that. So.
So yeah, that's the best answer I got.
Thank you. I feel like it's a very like,
common human thing, but the ideaof like, not caring about what
other people think or say about you because every single time it
(13:28):
feels like I want to live my ownlife and do what I want, there's
always someone that I don't really talk to that has
something to say about it. Yeah, people suck.
Tell me about it. There's a thing I wrote a couple
months ago. It was like, if you wouldn't ask
(13:50):
them for advice, then why the fuck do you care about their
criticism? And, and before you go, this is
the sort of thing that will never, there'll never be a point
in your life where people, like random people don't judge you.
That's just unfortunately a factof life.
(14:14):
The key is and and you will always care to a certain extent,
the key is to care about something else much more, right?
When you have something that's so important that it's worth
being disliked for, then then you become unstoppable.
Hi Mark, I'm a lawyer but I promise I'm not an asshole.
(14:43):
You talked a lot about the idea of killing versions of ourselves
and the examples you gave were more recently in your health
kick, but also when you were younger, sort of the idea of not
being a musician anymore in yourcareer.
Do you find that people, there'sa common thread of what people
find the hardest thing to give up, whether that's a
relationship or some sort of vice or something else?
(15:05):
Yeah, I think, I mean, you definitely nailed 2 of the big
ones. So many people stay in bad
relationships way too long. And I I think a lot of it
doesn't even have to do with theother person anymore.
It's like they've long stopped liking or respecting the other
person. It's just they don't know who
they are outside of that relationship and they're afraid
(15:28):
to figure that out. And so they stay in longer and
they continue to justify it. Addiction is a big one because
you know, as anybody who has gone through a A will tell you,
like, so like addicts build their identity around their
their addiction and and so when you remove the addiction, then
(15:52):
you have to start dealing with all these second and 3rd order
effects around their life and their lifestyle.
I'd say careers. Another one.
Coincidentally, I've met many lawyers who absolutely fucking
hate their job, but they like the money.
I'm I'm glad you like your job, but you've probably met them
(16:16):
too. Like it's, you know, they like
the money, they like the the prestige, they like the the
corner office, like all the stuff that they've achieved.
And it's extremely hard to give that up because if they give
that up, then who are they? Right.
Those are probably the biggest three I would say that you see
(16:37):
the most often. So thank you.
Hi, Mark. Hello I.
Have a pretty straightforward question for your last one,
which is what is your best advice for a long term
successful marriage? Fighting is going to be
(17:03):
inevitable. I think judgment is optional,
and I think it's really, really important to understand both of
those things. I find that like a lot of people
either assume that they should never fight because they they,
if they do start fighting, then they start judging each other
and say all sorts of mean things.
(17:27):
And then a lot of people fight alot and they think that sort of
thing is normal. I think it's conflict is
expected and it's necessary. In a lot of ways it's actually
good because it keeps both people aligned and aware of the
other person's needs. And it also, if you have
(17:49):
successful conflict, which is essentially what I'm talking
about here, where where the conflict is productive rather
than destructive. It builds trust.
You actually need conflict to build trust.
Like you need to see the other person get pissed off at you and
storm out or whatever and feel hurt and then resolve it and
(18:11):
make up and things are actually better because that builds
trust. And then it like reinforces the
fact of like this is, OK, I'm safe with this person.
You know, something terrible is not going to happen.
Like that's where the real intimacy comes from.
So conflict's inevitable and necessary, but the judgement is
not. And and where conflict can
(18:33):
easily turn toxic is when peoplestop making it about the thing
about the value difference and they make it about the person.
So you know, instead of you didn't load the dishwasher,
right. It's like you're a slobby lazy
person or you know, you instead of like, Hey, I'd appreciate it
(18:56):
if you had like better financialawareness.
It's like you're horrible with money and I can't trust you to
like have a credit card anymore,you know?
So it's doing the whole like love this, love the Sinner, hate
the sin type thing. And speaking to each other in
terms of like, values and needs and respecting the values and
(19:17):
needs of each other without turning it personal and
demeaning each other and, and turn it into a power struggle of
like, who's scoring the most points against somebody else.
I guess my, my whole answer hereis just fight productively.
Fight productively. Yeah.
(19:42):
I have a relationship question. Lucky you.
Yeah. Lucky them to share with us.
Random collection of people. Yes.
About 3 months ago, I met a woman.
We've been getting on very well,and recently, because of some
personal problems in her life, we had a little bit of a
(20:03):
roadblock. We've talked through what those
problems were, and she's now asked if we can be friends for a
number of weeks while she sorts through those personal problems
with the idea or the hope and tension of coming back together
as romantic partners. My question is, given what I've
explained, do you think it's likely that we would come back
(20:23):
together? So it's Mark Stradamus over
here. What was funny about any of
that? My heart's on my sleeve here.
No, no, no. We, I think they're, they're,
(20:48):
they're laughing at my lack of my lack of prediction abilities.
They're not laughing at you. I'm sorry to hear that.
First of all, it's hard for me to say.
It's like without knowing detail.
The the tough thing about relationship issues is that is
so much of it really does boil down to the details.
(21:10):
But it can definitely go either way.
Like neither, neither direction would surprise me.
So if I had to like put odds on it, I would put it around 5050.
But let let me say this, I thinkwhat's really important for you
(21:31):
during this period is to simply let it play out because clearly
it's like whatever's going on, it's about her, right?
And if she comes back, then great, because that will
validate and solidify all the things that you felt and all the
potential that you see in this relationship.
(21:51):
And if she doesn't come back, then it just means that it
wasn't the right person for you.And and that's, and it frees you
to go find somebody else. So it's a win win.
So just don't try to control it.Let it happen.
Perfect. Thank you.
Thank you. Wow.
A double clap looking at the US election.
(22:23):
One of the outcomes of this is we are seeing bad behavior at
the personal level being rewarded.
Would you say society as a wholeis no longer prizing civility
but rewarding bad behavior and why?
It's a good question. The short answer is yes, I think
(22:45):
it is rewarding bad behavior. The longer answer is, I don't
know if this is necessarily new.I think it's the bad behavior,
the definition of the bad behavior, of the type of bad
behavior has shifted. One of the things that I've
noticed, and I maybe maybe people here have noticed the
same thing, but you know, there's all these documentaries
(23:05):
that are coming out about the 90s and early 2000s, you know,
about different celebrities or political moments or whatever.
And it's funny because every time I watch one, I'm like,
people were such assholes. Like, people were so mean, just
common, like in the discourse, TV shows, tabloids, everything.
Like people were really antisocial.
(23:28):
And if you look at the music back then, it was very
antisocial. It was very destructive.
Drug use was glorified, you know, breaking, destroying hotel
rooms was glorified. And so it's funny because it's
like that bad behavior was rewarded back then, but because
we grew up with it, we don't, itdoesn't register.
(23:49):
And now the bad behavior that we're not used to is being
rewarded. And because we're not used to
it, that's registering. And so I, I don't know, like
ultimately bad behavior gets attention.
And the nature of media and pop culture is that it will always
reward what gets attention. And so some form of bad behavior
(24:10):
will always be rewarded to some degree or another.
I think it's just a a question of what is the bad behavior and
what is the cost like comes backto the trade off thing.
Is the cost here worth it or notin terms of the election?
I get the sense that this is like a thinly veiled Trump
question, which this is my sixthtime in Australia and I at this
(24:35):
point I'm I'm very used to get like explaining Trump to
Australians. So here's what I would say,
especially about this particularmoment in time.
If you want to understand why he's being rewarded, you have to
understand that there's a very large part of the United States
that is felt ignored, condescended to, overlooked and
(25:00):
demeaned rightfully or wrongfully.
Like you could argue whether they they're justified or not,
but the point is they have felt that way for decades and he has
found a way to tap into that. And because he's tapped into
that, they like it when he's mean, They like it when he's an
asshole. And so he's rewarded for it.
(25:21):
So I'm not, it sucks, but like, it is what it is.
And I think it's coming back to my point about being honest.
I find that a lot of people in the United States particularly,
like, I find that people on the left like don't want to be
honest about that. They want to find all these
other reasons why he keeps winning and they want all these
(25:46):
other justifications that fits their preconceived notions.
They don't want to see, like what's plainly there, that he's
tapped into a lot of anger that's existed in the country
from multiple decades, and that's why he keeps getting
rewarded for it. So that's my opinion.
That's my take. Thank you.
(26:12):
Hi Mark. I want to talk about trade-offs
because I sort of I go to the gym and it's a trade off and I
love that trade off. It's great.
What are some trade-offs that are pretty awesome that people
should do that aren't obvious? It's a great question.
(26:33):
I do think health related ones have like just a lot of non
obvious upside, Jim being one ofthem, exercise being one of
them. I it's funny.
So I stopped drinking 2 1/2 years ago and it was completely
unintentional. It started as an experiment and
(26:57):
initially it was just to lose weight and I, I, you know, I
drank a lot my entire life and Ireally, really enjoyed it.
As I said last time I was an Adelaide, I was shit faced
pretty much the whole time. The wine here is so good guys,
seriously well done, well done. So I, I, I did a 30 day no
(27:17):
alcohol thing and it like blew my mind the cognitive benefits,
the emotional benefits, like theamount of energy I had.
I got stronger in the gym without any extra effort.
Like it just started compoundingon all these things and it
really blew me away. I I also think in terms of
trade-offs, I think this kind ofties into the relationship
(27:39):
thing. I think in relationships there
are small things often have disproportionate benefits,
right? So checking in with people,
which is the text message occasionally like
disproportionately rewards you because it keeps you connected
that person and it like opens upsocial opportunities that you
(27:59):
otherwise wouldn't have. And I also think developing good
habits around conversation skills, like asking good
questions, like also has very disproportionate benefits.
I, I, I, I honestly think like most of the good things that
happened to us throughout life happens because of other people.
And you know, so the more you can connect yourself with other
people, like the more you're going to benefit from that.
(28:21):
So I guess what I'm circling around here is it's actually the
mundane stuff. It's the boring stuff that has a
shocking amount of upside, but it's not sexy and it doesn't
like, you know, get any clicks on Instagram.
So people, people overlook it and but ultimately it is boring
(28:44):
and mundane for a reason. It's because it's it's what
works. So thank you.
So obviously your book is aimed at adults.
I'm 38. I guess that would kind of maybe
the average age of people here. I don't know.
(29:06):
I'm here tonight with my son's foster mum, which is a big deal
for me to admit, and our caseworker is actually also in
the audience, so we're an unlikely trio to be here
tonight. My son is coming back into my
care on the 22nd of November andyour work, along with the work
(29:26):
of Gabor Mate has been fundamental in me actually
pulling my finger out and realising what the Hell's going
on. Now if you were to put something
together that was aimed at a lower age demographic, basically
when my kid comes home, what of your stuff?
Should I start integrating straight away so that he does
(29:47):
not fuck himself up or I don't fuck him up?
And like, if you were going to write a kids book the Subtle out
of not giving a crap, what wouldyou fundamentally be putting
into that? And big love to Sarah, his
foster mum, and Phoebe, the caseworker, who's in the audience
tonight as well. Congratulations, by the way.
(30:08):
That's, that's amazing. How old is he?
He is his sixth on the 30th of November, so he comes home a
week before his birthday. OK, so the age matters a lot
because, you know, just the nature of child development,
like they, they're literally notable to conceive of certain
(30:30):
things until certain ages, right?
So I generally tell people that,you know, my work is very
identity driven, values driven, accommodate figuring out pain,
suffering, dealing with hardship, stuff like that.
And most of that sort of stuff comes online in early
(30:50):
adolescence to mid adolescence. So when I get this question, I
always tell people teenagers forsure.
And I've even had teachers who are like, can I just like delete
all the F bombs and, you know, give this chapter to my students
or whatever. I'm like, yeah, of course.
So teenagers for sure. When you get younger than that,
(31:11):
you know, the, the kind of the project of a healthy child at
each age range is a little bit different, you know, six to six
to eight years old. Honestly, the the most important
thing you can do is just supporthim emotionally and, and be
present and be accepting and, you know, try to set hurdles in
(31:33):
front of him that he can clear and then and then the ones he
doesn't clear, support him, you know, let him know it's OK and
help like encourage him to try again.
You know, that that is probably your most important role for the
next three to four years is justbe like a stable emotional force
in his life and let him find hisown latch over here.
(31:57):
So. Today, Mark, a lot of people
close to me suffer from impostersyndrome.
From your experiences, how did you overcome imposter syndrome?
And the second part of the question is, do you believe it
is something you have to overcome yourself or as a
support person or someone you'reclose with, can you be involved
(32:20):
with their self, self realization of that?
I think imposter syndrome you can definitely overcome.
You know, I think imposter syndrome is just a mismatch
between expectation and reality.It's like my expectation of my
own skill or worth is here and the world is telling me it's
(32:41):
here, right? And that fucks with people just
as much as the the reverse fuckswith them as well.
In the case of imposter syndrome, I feel like it's, it's
simply remembering it's two things.
It's one, it's remembering what you're good at and the all the
(33:02):
work you put into being good at it.
And then I think the second thing is, is also, and this is
kind of the mindset shift that Ieventually got to was was like,
OK, well, it's here now. So, you know, live up to it,
right? If this is where the expectation
is, then like work up to that new expectation.
Don't sit around freaking out being like, Oh my God, all these
(33:23):
people expect all this stuff from me.
It's like, no, fucking get to work, start practicing, get
better, build the skills and like earn your way up to it.
And I found that useful. I don't know if that's going to
necessarily work for everybody, but it's, it's, you know, I
(33:45):
think however, you can close that gap between expectation
and, and, and where you actuallyare is whether it's by lowering
your own expectations or workingyour way up to those
expectations that will resolve the the anxiety.
So thank you. OK.
Hi, Mark, Hello. On behalf of the room, thank you
(34:05):
so much for these microtherapy sessions.
Just wanted to say that do you have a litmus test to sense
check when relationship trade-offs are leading you to
settle for less than what you think you deserve?
It's hard. This question is hard because
there are so many people out there who think they deserve
(34:28):
shit, and then there are a lot of people out there who think
they deserve everything. And so I think a lot of it boils
down to what do you think you deserve and how realistic is
that? I think ultimately what you
(34:50):
should expect is respect, trust,open communication, some shared
values, generally enjoying your time with the other person.
I think if your expectations start to exceed that
drastically, then you're, you'resetting yourself up for a lot of
(35:13):
heartbreak and failure. And I think if your expectations
fail to meet that drastically, you're also setting yourself up
for a lot of heartbreak and failures.
So I guess that's the best way Ican answer that.
Thank you. Hi Mark, I struggle with being
(35:33):
overly empathetic to the point where it gets you in trouble.
Have a bad habit of just seeing the good and everyone and most
importantly, giving everyone thebenefit of the doubt so some
asshole cuts you off. I don't get upset about it
anymore. Maybe they're having the worst
fucking day of their lives. I'll let it go.
Those sort of things. But I find myself doing that
(35:57):
with everything and everyone, which makes it very hard to sort
of stand your ground and have a backbone, essentially.
And I feel like the one time I do sort of stand my ground, I
get it so wrong that I've hurt the person's feelings.
And yeah, if you had any advice on that sort of thing, if you
(36:20):
can gauge the question out of that.
I love this question because it's Oscar Wilde has this great
quote where he says everything in moderation, including
moderation. It's funny because, you know,
empathy is so important, but if all you do is empathize all the
time, then you get walked over, right?
(36:42):
So you need to be able to set boundaries and set limits and
say no to people and disappoint people and occasionally hurt or
upset people. But you don't want to always
hurt and upset people and alwayssay no to people, you know.
So there's like, it's, it's a very tricky thing, but I would
(37:03):
look at it like this, standing up for yourself.
It's a skill and like all skills, you're really bad at it
if you've never done it before. And so the first few times it's
going to be very messy and clunky and you're probably going
to be overly emotional and overreact and, you know, maybe
upset the other person. It's as you do it more, you'll
(37:24):
get better at it. And what I would say is that
it's helpful to really establishfor yourself beforehand the
things that you will and will not tolerate in your life absent
of the person. Because it's like once the
person's in your life and they do the thing that you don't want
(37:45):
to tolerate, well, you know themand you kind of like them.
And it's like, well, they don't mean it.
Like they're a good person. And maybe if I give them another
chance, like all those things start entering your head and you
know it, it's a slippery slope. Whereas if you establish way
beforehand what you do and do not tolerate in your life, that
(38:06):
they're just rules you have for everybody, then when that person
does show up and do those behaviors, it's already
resolved. You already know, sorry, you're
gone. And the result of this is that
you actually end up maybe cutting off people kind of
(38:27):
quickly more often, but it prevents you a lot of headaches
down the road. It's kind of like, you know,
they always say in business, be slow to hire and fast to fire.
Like it's kind of like that for personal relationships too.
Like you, you want to catch the behaviour early, catch the red
flag. And just once you see that first
red flag, you know, in this day and age where you can meet so
(38:50):
many people, it's like, yeah, I'm not going to not going to
mess with that. So hopefully that's helpful.
Thank you. Thank you.
Welcome, Mark, to Perth. You might recently have heard
that the Australian Government are going to implement age
restrictions on social media forchildren up to 16 years of age.
(39:14):
I wonder what your thoughts are about how that will actually run
in terms of a 16 year old now that actually that's their
social life and where that's going to hit.
I think it's great. I, by the way, I didn't know
this until I landed in Sydney airport and I saw a big thing
talking about like teenage Instagram or something like
(39:36):
that. I think this is fantastic.
A friend of mine, Jonathan Haidt, he's been spending the
last five years researching this, accumulating like all the
research on it. He just put out a amazing book
called The Anxious Generation. To me, the evidence of social
(39:57):
media affecting young people below the age of say 1516141516.
Like anything below that, it seems pretty inarguable that
it's, it's a bad thing. I imagine it will be messy when
they implement it. Like it'll kids will find a way
around it and then you know, it'll be, there'll be a lot of
(40:20):
uncertainty and stuff. But I, I just think the long
term trend is that. We should try to delay some of
this stuff as long as possible. And, and so I, I do think, I
think your government's doing the right thing.
And they are, as far as I know, they're, they're the first ones
doing it. So good on you.
Australia. Hi, I'm 16, what's like your
(40:47):
best piece of advice or wisdom that you could give me?
Stay off social media. That was like a layup.
No, no, no, no. I'm going to answer.
I'm going to answer. Thank.
You it's just too good. I couldn't pass it up.
(41:08):
Advice for young people. So what I generally tell
teenagers is the whole point of this period of your life is to
really figure out who you are, what you like, what you don't
like, who you like, who you don't like, what sort of people
(41:29):
you want to associate with. And this is going to be a
process of a lot of experimentation.
My experience is that a lot of people your age and even much
older, up to kids and uni kids and kids in the early 20s,
there's this immense pressure that they put on themselves.
(41:50):
And some of that pressure comes from school, it comes from
universities, it comes from parents, whatever that you
should have a path figured out. And I think that's unrealistic.
I think it's very rare for anyone your age to know who they
are, who they're going to be andwhat they're going to do.
And so as you go through this process of experimenting, trying
(42:15):
on new identities, trying new activities, exploring different
groups of people, exploring aspects of yourself, it's going
to be a roller coaster ride. There's going to be a lot of
great moments and a lot of dark moments.
Just understand that that is allnormal and part of the process
and there's nothing wrong with you.
You're doing it. That's exactly what you should
(42:37):
be doing, and take your time with it.
Thank you so much. Hi, so I think I do the trade
off part quite a lot where I'm holding the positive and
negative, but it's potentially to the point where it's actually
too much and I suffer from that analysis paralysis problem.
(43:00):
I was just wondering your thoughts on that kind of extreme
and how, if you have any recommendations, how you would
deal with it? It's a good problem in that
you're like, you've trained yourself to to be able to
measure those things. This is where the, you know,
(43:20):
this is where the that the pain hack comes in.
Because my guess is like where you're getting stuck is you're
you're purely looking at it in terms of like, you know, does
this benefit outweigh the cost? But if you find the cost that
you actually kind of secretly relish, like costs aren't to be
avoided. It's define the cost that you
(43:44):
feel like you gain by giving up,if that makes sense.
So I, I think it's, if you look at it in those terms, it could
probably help. I'm guessing there's probably a
lot of perfectionism around thisas well of like, let's optimize.
Like what's the most benefit I can get for like each unit of
effort and all this stuff? Yeah, I like to say that that
(44:15):
being optimal is suboptimal, that trying to optimize
everything actually prevents youfrom important experiences of
screwing up and, you know, messing around and learning
things about yourself. So try to keep that in mind as
well. Thank you.
Thank you. Hi Mark, so I'm 15 years old and
(44:44):
I find myself caring about people's opinion at school too
much and I was wondering what your advice for me would be to
stop caring about the popular guys opinions as.
Much. Yeah.
(45:07):
By show of hands, how many people struggled with the same
thing when you were 15 I think that is literally everybody in
this room I'm going to I'm goingto give you a few answers here.
This is very normal at your age,you should care what people
(45:29):
around you think. This is the time of your life
that you're really discovering your social relationships and
how to get along with people andhow to build relationships with
people. And so this is part of that
process is like caring a little bit too much.
So there's, I guess the first point here and, and all the
raised hands proved it is that there's absolutely nothing
(45:51):
abnormal about this struggle that you're going through.
And, and it will naturally get better as you get older.
So that's Part 1. Part 2 is, you know, kids your
age can, can kind of suck. Like they can be very judgmental
and that that's hard to deal with a lot of the time.
(46:12):
The best advice I can give is you're never going to stop
carrying what people think, but you can.
The trick is to find something more important than what people
think. Like, ask yourself, what is so
important in my life that I'm willing to be disliked for it?
(46:33):
Because once you start finding those things, then you kind of
become unstoppable. Like it just stops mattering.
It's not that it doesn't hurt and it's not that it doesn't
bother you. It's just that it stops
mattering, that it hurts, and that it bothers you, if that
makes sense. Yeah.
Good luck man. Thanks very much.
You'll make it. Hey, Mark, with the whole
(47:02):
spectrum of artificial intelligence being making us
think less and taking over the world, what's your view on a way
of thinking that we can use to be more relevant in this future
that's evolving before us? I love this question.
I'm thinking a lot about this question because I mean, I think
(47:24):
AI is going to eat a lot of my industry, right?
Like it's if you go to, if you go to Chachi PT now and you ask
it to give you advice in the style of Mark Manson, it's
hilariously bad. If you ever, if you ever want to
amuse yourself, try it. But one day it won't be right.
(47:45):
And so it's, I've been thinking quite a bit the last year or two
about this. I like the idea that anytime
scarcity is removed in one area,it's added in another.
And So what AI does is it removes scarcity around a access
to information, but also be likethe personalization of
(48:07):
information. Basically it just makes it makes
information so automatic and fluid and seamless that I think
information itself, which in my case would be like advice
itself, is going to become a commodity and essentially free.
So then the question is what becomes more scarce?
(48:29):
I think it's human connection. I think it's emotional
connection. I think it's in person.
Things like this will become more scarce and more valuable.
People will start to perceive them as more valuable in the
next 10 years. Because you know, all the this
whole talk could probably in five years, there's probably
(48:50):
some AI that could just generatethis for you and probably
deliver it to you in my voice. But actually being here in the
room together, laughing together, making jokes together,
whatever, that can't be replicated.
So I definitely see that. I think and I hope people are
(49:14):
going to start putting more of apremium on that as we go
forward. Yeah.
Great. Thank you.
Thank you. Hi Mark, you had a slide.
Evil people don't think they are, they think other people
are. And then you made a throwaway
line that might be true in the opposite with good.
(49:36):
My question for you, which has been on my mind for the last few
days, is some of the nicest people I know that do the best
in the world can't seem to access that feeling about
themselves. So it's almost like they're a
conduit for good. But none gets stuck on them on
the way through. And I'd like to know what you
(49:56):
think about this phenomenon. I think it's a very real thing.
I think it makes sense to me that probably the most
positively impactful people in the world are maybe not
necessarily happy or emotionallyfunctional themselves.
(50:17):
Like if you imagine somebody whoexhibits like goes to such
extremes to give value to, to people or see the best in people
or provide service for people, it makes sense to me that there
there's probably some neuroticism that's driving some
(50:39):
of that. And so you you get kind of this
paradoxical thing where you knowthe best people aren't
necessarily the happiest and vice versa.
This is this is one of many reasons that I often talk about
why happiness is overrated. You can be you can.
There are a lot of pieces of shit that are very happy with
(51:00):
themselves. So I definitely think it is it
is a legit phenomenon. You, you see this a lot too.
Not to say that business people are necessarily good people, but
you see it in like, you know, genius artists or genius
(51:21):
entrepreneurs CE OS like they have like they're driven by some
dark shit. And it's it's in a weird way, it
becomes their gift to the world.So it is paradoxical.
I think it is a thing. I don't know what else to make
of it, but I'm with you. Thank you.
(51:43):
Yeah. Hallie I just got really
nervous. So as somebody in their like
latish 30s who's searching for purpose and has been forever,
how do you actually go about finding your purpose?
(52:06):
So this is, this is a good opportunity to get to get real
about purpose, right? Part of my talk was that most of
our struggles is just having unrealistic expectations or
perceptions of what we're actually doing.
And I think purpose is one of those things that I think people
(52:29):
set unrealistic expectations for.
So a few things. One is, I don't think anybody
has one singular purpose. Like there's not, it's, it's
very rare. And that you're ever going to
find like one thing of like thisis what adds purpose to my life.
There's probably a mixture of things or, or like a portfolio
(52:51):
of things that bring purpose to your life.
The second thing is, is that it's I don't like the word find
because it, it implies that it'slike hidden somewhere out there
and I have to like go digging through a bunch of shit to find
it. Purpose is made.
Purpose is the the byproduct of sacrificing for something that
(53:15):
feels important. And so the question is really
just what seems important. If you can find the thing that
seems important, then you can start sacrificing for it.
And that sacrificing for it willgive you a sense of purpose and
meaning and direction in your life.
And I think the reason this is such a salient topic these days
(53:38):
is, is for the exact reason thatI, I finished the talk, which is
just, we are bombarded with so many seemingly important things
that it's really hard to focus on one long enough to sacrifice
for it. And so I would say start by
eliminating things. Run experiments.
What if I stop doing this thing for a month?
(53:59):
What if I stop hanging out with that person for a month?
What if I stop doing this thing at work?
What happens? Do I miss it or am I actually
happier without it? And you'll start discovering
which things are actually addinga lot of a lot to your life and
which are not. And as you go through that
(54:20):
process, you'll start to whittleit down.
And you'll find those two or three things that feel more
important than everything else. And then you'll have the space
to actually start committing andmaking the sacrifice for it.
Is that helpful? Yeah.
Thank you. Cool, thanks.
(54:41):
Hi Mark, your World War Three survivor #3 really resonated
with me and I'm sorry I forgot his name.
Sorry, Jean Paul Sartre. Yes, Jean Paul Shaw.
So it's the part that you mentioned about him finding
comfort in the prison. And I relate that to my life and
(55:05):
about how through support, I've created what I could see in your
when you describe that as a prison for loved ones by support
and caring. And at what point does support
and caring become a prison? And you're holding people you
love from back, from thriving. How do you draw that line?
(55:30):
It's a great question. I would say it becomes a prison
when it when it is a form of escape.
And that is a very real thing. So I mean, there's a concept
known as codependence, which is you could think of it as almost
as an addiction to other people's problems, because as
(55:53):
long as you're fixing other people's problems, you don't
have to think about your own. And I think like all addictions,
it's a blurry line. It's a difficult definition.
It's hard to like all addictions, you rationalize it
and you find reasons why it's justified and why it's not such
(56:14):
a big deal and why it's actuallya good thing.
So it is hard. It's very, it's a hardened, very
nebulous thing to like tie down.I would say that again, I'm
going to come back to the experiment with giving things
(56:37):
up. So for a codependent person who
feels this constant obligation to support others and be there
for others, run an experiment of, hey, for the next two weeks
or for the next month or for thenext week, I'm not going to
support this person. And if that's going to disrupt
(57:00):
the relationship, then maybe talk to them about it and be
like, look, I feel like I'm being codependent and I think
it's really important for my ownhealth to to see if I can stand
on my own and have a little bit of distance.
But run that experiment with different people in your life
and you'll learn something aboutyourself And you'll learn like
(57:23):
what you'll find is that the healthy relationships, they'll
understand, they'll be happy foryou actually, because the the
healthy, the healthy people in your life probably already know
that this is what you need. It's the unhealthy relationships
that will get very upset. Thank you.
(57:47):
Hi, I'm Melissa. I think there's probably a lot
of us in this room mid 30s got an OK job in mining.
I'm uncomfortable money but justfeeling like there's like a
bigger life meant for me. I've had a crack starting a side
business. I rent out these mini pink
caravans and I'm like yes, the arrows of the get shot at me for
(58:08):
this. I can enjoy these like this is
OK. I can handle this.
I loved the thing that you said about experimenting like just
have constant experiments until you get you find something that
works to stay committed. My question is, after experiment
after experiment, after experiment, failure, failure,
failure, what advice do you haveto keep overcoming all the
(58:32):
little failures to keep pushing until you find the way that
works? I think, well, first of all, the
string of failures never stops. It's just the failures get
better. And I think recognizing that
(58:53):
progress is, is important. It's hard to sometimes as, as a
somebody who also is an entrepreneur who drives himself
very hard, It's sometimes it, I go a long time without like
stopping and smelling the roses and being like, wait, I've come
a long way. Holy shit.
(59:14):
So I think it's a good practice to remember that.
But if, if the, if the failures are feeling overwhelming again,
I, this is what I love about theexperiment thing is that you can
modulate the experiments to makesuccess easier.
So I'll give you an example thathas nothing to do with business.
(59:35):
I was talking to a good friend of mine who's a meditation
teacher. And I was talking to him once.
And I was like, you know, it's, it's funny because like when I
lose track of my meditation practice, it's like 15 sitting
for 15 minutes just like feels like an eternity.
Whereas when I'm meditating regularly, 15 minutes feels like
nothing. But I was like, I don't know, it
(59:55):
gets skewed in my head. So how do I get over the fat?
And he was like, so sit for 15 seconds.
He's like, you could do that, right?
I'm like, yeah, yeah, I can. And he's like, great.
And then once you do it for 15 seconds, do it for 30.
And then once you do it for 30, do it for 60.
And he's like, before you know it, you'll be at 1515 minutes.
(01:00:16):
And I, I, I love that principle because I think you can take it
and apply it like whenever you feel emotionally like you need a
win, you just move the goal posts up and, and be easier on
yourself because then that showsyou the progress you're making.
Thank you. Yeah.
(01:00:36):
Hi, Ma. I, I have a question in terms of
someone who for most of my adultlife has lived in a very
self-centered, kind of ignorant,peachy, life is fun sort of
bubble that's quite recently been burst.
Because like, you know, you wakeup to the state of the world and
(01:00:58):
I'm not, I know I'm not going toget back to that because like
now I know what's going on and it's so depressing.
And I feel like, do you have anyadvice how to not let it's
basically like gotten to the point where every day is mundane
and it feels like, why bother doing the everyday stuff when
(01:01:19):
all of this shit's happening in the world And it just feels
really unimportant. And just kind of getting to a
space where, like, I don't know,you find value in the everyday
life again. Sure I'm glad you asked this No,
no, I'm really glad you asked this because I I feel like
there's a lot of people in your place and and it's not a good
(01:01:43):
place to be. Here's an experiment to run.
Stop for 30 days. Stop looking at any news and
instead, and then whatever your your particular thing you're
(01:02:03):
worried about, go find two or three history books about it.
Two things will happen. One is you'll realize you don't.
Without the news. You'll you'll realize you're not
missing anything. Second thing, you'll realize
when you read the history books,this is the best it's ever been.
(01:02:30):
I find hope in that yes, there'sa lot of shitty stuff in the
world. The world is still a mess, but
things have gotten so much better, so much better, and
they're continuing to get bettereach generation, slowly but
surely, agonizingly. It's not always linear.
(01:02:52):
There's sometimes there's like little regressions or detours,
but the the grand arc of historyis very much in the right
direction and holding that perspective I think is really,
really important. The other piece of advice I
would give is look for a local cause to get involved in channel
(01:03:17):
that energy here in Perth or WA.I think the nature of online
media and social media, I almostthink we're too globally aware
these days, like too much of ourattention is consumed by these
horrific things that are happening 10,020 thousand miles
(01:03:38):
away that literally have nothingto do with us.
And meanwhile, it's like our schools are fucked up.
There's like homelessness going on, like all these local
problems that we're oblivious tobecause they're not sexy and
they're not showing up on news feeds and people aren't like
screaming about them on on television or whatever.
(01:04:00):
So I think in general, we are over indexed globally and under
indexed locally. You can affect a lot of things
here in your community. You can make a difference for
people. You can see the positive change
happen in front of your eyes andthat that will mean everything.
Thanks. Hi Mark, Before I had my
(01:04:25):
daughter I worked in the area ofGreece, grief and loss,
supporting young people living with cancer here in WA.
I have a friend that's recently lost her husband to cancer and
is now a single parent. And they say, well, it's true
that there's only two things sure in life that we're born and
(01:04:45):
we're going to die. Yet as a society, we struggle to
talk about death, grief and loss.
And I just wondered what your perspective is on that and what
what do you think we can do better?
Oh, a question close to my heart.
(01:05:05):
As people who who have read the last chapter of Subtle Art know,
I lost a friend very close to mewhen I was young, and it ended
up being one of the most impactful experiences of my
life. I am a big proponent of the idea
of memento Mori, of consciously sitting and thinking about your
(01:05:29):
own death, the death of loved ones, the the mortality of
everybody around you, simply because it's all these questions
of what you value, what's worth pursuing, what's going to give
you purpose. Death clarifies those things.
Like when you're in a cancer ward, holy shit, you, it, it is
crystal clear. The two or three things that
(01:05:52):
matter and all the bullshit thatdoesn't.
And so I, I think and I hope that there are ways to tap into
that clarity without having to end up in a cancer ward, that
there are exercises that we can do with ourselves, thought
experiments, just, you know, I mean, even sometimes I didn't do
(01:06:15):
it today, but sometimes when I'mon a plane, I imagine it
crashing. I'm not joking.
I actually do. And I, I sometimes imagine, OK,
if the plane's going down, what would my thought about my life
be at the moment? And obviously, like, that's not
a fun thing to think about, but I do think it's valuable because
(01:06:38):
it it forces me to really consider, am I on the right
path? Am I doing the things that
matter? Have I been good to the people I
love? It's good to ask those
questions. And if that's what it takes to
like get that question in your head, so be it.
(01:06:59):
So thank you for asking this. This is, I believe very strongly
in this. Thank you.
Thank you Perth, it's been lovely.
You've been an amazing audience and I hope to be back one day,
hopefully soon. So thank you again.
(01:07:20):
Goodnight everybody.
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