Ok, so we all hear the saying, "Don't go to bed Angry." You probably hear this marriage advice at almost all weddings or bridal showers. Is it that important not to go to bed angry? Paige does not subscribe to this myth at all. Just the opposite. She feels that going to sleep during an argument is like a time-out. And then, when you wake up, it doesn’t seem nearly as bad. On the other hand, Darren would love to hash it out until it’s all resolved and then go to bed since he usually doesn’t sleep if he is in an argument.
One of the reasons that they say not to go to bed angry is because it’s typically difficult to sleep if you are angry. But what could be worse than going to bed angry is staying up and arguing...
Here's what might happen if you stay up and argue:
1. Become more tired.
2. Think less clearly.
3. Get angrier the later it gets.
4. Get more triggered.
5. Say worse things.
6. Get more hurt.
So instead of fixating on trying to get thru this fight so that you can get to bed, focus on what would help calm the situation down. Focusing on calming the energy will help you reduce the chance you'll get to bed angry and reduce the fighting.
In 85% of couples, one person is the pursuer, and the other is the distancer. There’s no crime in being either. Pursuers look to “finish the discussion” to reduce relationship distress. Distancers use the strategy of pausing an argument and using natural decay of energy to reduce distress.
Work on the Calm. If the argument isn’t getting resolved and you’re going in circles, try to pause the situation and resume at an agreed-upon time to check-in. This does not mean you are just sweeping the argument under the rug; you still need to discuss whatever upset you, but give it a minute to calm down.
This is a complex skill to learn, pausing, but it can be helpful with some effort. This might not work for everyone, some might want to keep going at it, but I say, get some sleep and some distance!
Lemonade moment of the week -
Julianne and Boyd are getting married, and the rehearsal dinner is out of the house, accelerating the "honey-do" list to 6 six weeks instead of 3 years.
Links:
- https://www.heartfeltcounselingmn.com/blog/2020/1/30/marriage-myth-dont-go-to-bed-angry - Paige’s opinion
- https://www.verywellmind.com/never-go-to-bed-angry-the-pros-and-cons-of-this-practice-5214352 - Darren's Opinion
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