Episode 44: The Rules

Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership!

Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering, calfskin cup holders, and eleven LCD screens. And, she is yours today, my friend, for the pittance of $32,000.

Very nice!

[silence]

Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. I can tell from your ironic eyeglasses and gawky demeanor that you are the kind of man who will do much research! Very nice. Well, for you? My manager approves: I take off $500!

[silence]

Hmmm, in your hand I see a check for the full retail price and a printed out email whose subject line I can clearly read as “FWD: car-buying tips from Dad.” Please dispose of worries—from me only, you get a fair deal! $24,000! Best international price! You check on computer sites. Very nice.

[silence]

You appear to be sweating, my friend. Would you like to sit down? What’s that? Ah, yes. Be well. Our wi-fi password is “N1ssanSux.” One word; no spaces. Very nice.

[silence]

$23,000 is as low as I can go. I pull my babies from school for you.

[silence]

No? No?!? Still too much? Very nice. $22,000 and a copy of the hit board game Scruples! My death like a mere dog is your good fortune, my friend!

[silence]

Argh! Again, you push too hard! Too hard! Very Nice!!!

Okay. Yes yes yes yes yes! $21,000, AND the Scruples, AND a taste of the food you are literally taking from my child’s mouth. Very nice.

[silence]

I do not know how you do it! Please, accept my offer or they will fire me! $15,000 out the door. Scruples, free. Also a very small bust of Bette Midler. And Amish lathe. Many veins. My gift I make for you. Very nice.

[silence]

Yes. Okay. You think about it. Talk to wife. Sure. Good. I bring more coffee and fresh Pop-O-Matic. Yes.

[silence]

Very nice, my friend.

Very. Very. Nice.

[silence]