236: How to heal the anger in your relationship with your spouse

How to heal the anger in your relationship with your spouse

Parent Laurie was doing really well when she had two kids. She had been with her partner for a long time, she had just achieved her first managerial role at work, and things were going great - so they thought it would be a good time to add a third child.

 

Then: Pandemic. Two kids under three. Oldest child started school and had problems that were diagnosed as ADHD and Autism. Navigating all the appointments and calls from school took so much time that Laurie dropped down to part-time work, so her salary would no longer cover the cost of childcare. She quit her job and became a stay-at-home parent.

The Anger Begins

Then the anger and rage began. Laurie had always had anger throughout her whole life, and thought she knew how to handle it - but this rage was a different story. It felt like she wasn't in control, which is the complete opposite of how she wanted to show up as a parent and as a partner - so she felt deeply ashamed of it.

 

Her husband Jordan bore the brunt of it - for big issues and small. They had a mouse problem...and one day he left Goldfish crackers out. Laurie was like the villainous octopus witch Ursula from The Little Mermaid who wanted to tear everything down - to tear HIM down.

The Impact of Anger on Laurie's Kids

Of course her kids heard all of this. Not long after his diagnosis, her oldest son had given a presentation to his class about his family, and he introduced Laurie by saying: "No matter what happens, my Mom is calm and unflappable and she can handle it." It was Laurie's parenting dream come true, since she didn't grow up in a calm house.

Laurie felt so ashamed that she wasn't the calm center of the family anymore, and that her kids were afraid of her.

Where the Anger Comes From

Then she started to learn the sources of her triggered feelings from waaay back in that not-so-calm household. She also learned that getting her husband to change his behavior was not the answer - even though she very much wanted it to be the answer!

  She started to heal from the hurts she's experienced, and has learned how to sit with her rage without making it her husband's fault. And from there, she's begun to feel the rage less often.