241: Validating children’s feelings: Why it’s important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline Fleck

  What exactly is validation? Dr. Fleck defines it as communication that demonstrates you are mindful, understand, and empathize with another person's experience, thereby accepting it as valid.   In this illuminating conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck, author the book Validation, we explore the powerful concept of validation and how it can transform your relationship with your child. Dr. Fleck is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University.   After the conversation with Dr. Fleck, I provide my own perspective on the third part of her book. While I found the first two parts on validation techniques extremely valuable and immediately applicable, I share some concerns about using validation as a tool for changing children's behavior. I explore the ethical considerations of consent-based relationships with children and offer an alternative approach focused on understanding needs rather than modifying behavior. The conversation gives you an overview of the very useful validation framework, while the conclusion honors my commitment to respectful, needs-based parenting approaches that maintain children's autonomy and inner experience.  

Questions this episode will answer

• How do I validate my child's feelings when they're having a meltdown?
• Does validating my child's emotions make tantrums worse or last longer?
• What should I say when my child is upset about something that seems trivial?
• How can I tell the difference between validating feelings versus validating bad behavior?
• What are the most effective words to use when validating my child's emotions?
• How does validation help my child develop emotional regulation skills?
• What happens if I've been unintentionally invalidating my child's feelings?
• Is it possible to validate feelings while still setting necessary boundaries?
• What simple validation techniques can I start using today with my child?

 

What you'll learn in this episode

• Simple, practical phrases to validate your child's feelings during difficult moments
• How to respond when your child is upset about something that seems small (like a broken cracker)
• The step-by-step validation ladder you can use with children of all ages
• Why saying "You're OK!" actually makes tantrums worse and what to say instead
• How validation helps your child develop emotional regulation skills faster
• Easy mindfulness techniques to stay calm when your child is emotional
• Specific examples of validation for common parenting challenges
• How to validate feelings while still maintaining important boundaries
• Ways to repair your relationship if you've been unintentionally invalidating
• The connection between childhood validation and long-term mental health

  Whether you're dealing with tantrums, big emotions, difficult conversations, or just want to build a stronger connection with your child, the validation techniques shared in this episode provide a foundation for healthier relationships and emotional well-being.  

Dr. Fleck’s book

Validation: how the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights 00:57 Introducing today’s episode and guest speaker 04:06 Definition of validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck 04:38 Importance of validation in our relationships 08:27 The idea that facts are debatable, you have fundamentally uprooted the...