Back to the Future // How to Get More Out of Your Parents, Part 5

One of the things that nobody ever really tells you when you’re a teenager, is that the tough lessons you learn now are going to be so important later on in life. Is that really true?

There's a great film that was produced back in 1984 called, “The Karate Kid”. It's about a teenage boy who had just lost his father and who ends up studying karate under an older Japanese man called, Mr Miagi. And for the first few months, all Mr Miagi does is to get this young Daniel Laruso to do menial chores – polish the car, paint the fence, sand the deck and after months Daniel has had enough. He feels that he's been taken advantage of and has a go at Mr Miagi.

But what he discovers, all of a sudden, is that the constant repetitious boring motions of polishing the car in round motions, wipe on/wipe off and the up and down motions of painting the fence, those things have drummed into him the very reflexes he needs for his karate moves not to mention the self discipline.

I think that “The Karate Kid” is one of the movies that all families should watch together because it explains something important to the impatient teenager.

The other day on the program we talked about that saying, "you can't put old head on young shoulders." In other words you can't expect a teenager to understand the bigger picture; they won't until they grow up. Well, in part that’s true, I mean I never really appreciated my parents until I had my own children but at the same time I don't think we talk enough about the future with our kids. All they've ever known is home and school and home and school and home and school. What they really want to know is, what is life going to like after school? How will it be?

I had this idealised picture of this most amazing freedom and sure it was great finally to finish high school. But I could never have anticipated the struggles and the issues ahead of me probably because we never talked about that stuff. And like Daniel Laruso in The Karate Kid, I simply never appreciated that the boring mundane chores and boundaries that my parents put into my life were such an important learning foundation for growing up into an effective adult.

When you look at our children, they are a wondrous creation, you watch them grow up and develop. You know the time I enjoy most is when they develop a sense of humour and you can banter with them and start talking to them more as adults than kids, that's a great time.

It's amazing but parents know that there are things that they have to learn, discipline, self motivation, dealing with the routine and the humdrum and the pressures and the unfairness of life. So what parents do is we put things into place that causes them to learn those things. Problem is, as a teenager, I couldn't see that because no-one ever explained it to me and what teenagers do, because they don't understand, is they rebel.

We looked at this passage the other day; it comes from Hebrews, chapter 5 listen to it:

During the days of Jesus' life on earth, He offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could have saved Him from death and He was heard because of His reverent submission. Although He was the Son He learned obedience from what He suffered and once made perfect He became the source of eternal salvation for all who believed.

Jesus learned obedience from what He suffered. Obedience and suffering are linked, they always are and there's only one way to learn self discipline, it's the hard way and here's the thing, different parents use different approaches but they all have one thing in common. If we parents are doing our jobs properly we put certain non negotiable boundaries in place.

In our home it looks something like this for our daughter Melissa who is 16 years old. Every night, no matter what, she cleans up the kitchen after dinner. Every week by midday on Saturday, no matter what, her room has to be cleaned top to bottom otherwise she loses her internet access for a week and that, I have to tell you, is devastating for a teenager. Another boundary is, she will not answer back or argue with me or with her mother. And when she moves from schooling into work in a few years time, she will pay board to cover some of her costs at home.

Now there are others, about her social life and stuff, why do we do this? Because these are bottom lines and they are absolutely non negotiables and having some non negotiables in your life when you’re growing up as a teenager, is critical in the development of the teenager. If you don't have the boundaries the child will grow up without basic skills that he or she needs for adulthood. Is it fun for her to lose a week’s internet? Well, no it's not. Is it fun for her, every night, to have to clean up the kitchen? No it's not. But these are the things that teach our children the skills that they need later in life.