October 23, 2024 • 43 mins
Roxanne Derhodge welcomes Heather Reid to share her journey of overcoming personal challenges. Heather opens up about her experiences with sexual abuse, emphasizing the importance of self-work, support, and coping mechanisms in dealing with trauma. She reflects on her healing process and the role of human connection in overcoming adversity. The conversation touches on Heather's experiences supporting her daughter through trauma and her perspective on societal expectations while raising her children. Heather shares insights on breaking patterns and the importance of sharing one's story. The episode concludes with Heather offering support to others and closing remarks.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, aplace where we have as conversations about
things that really matter in our lives.
And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
(00:35):
Hi, Boanne.
It's Roxanne Derhodge.
I'm authenticating with Roxanne.
Thanks so much for tuning in again, this week.
Today, I have someone very special that's, Cometo join us today.
Her name is Heather Read.
Hi, Heather.
How are you?
Very well, Christine.
How are you today?
I'm good.
I'm good.
So Heather has, I'm gonna say some prettyfascinating, stories that I We chatted and got
(01:02):
connected by another colleague.
And, I'm gonna talk to her.
She's her background is, quite diverse inbusiness.
But what we're gonna talk today about is morearound, concepts of resilience and how do you
get through things that you know, oftentimeslife deals us and we don't know how we're gonna
get through and somehow we get through theother side.
(01:23):
So we're gonna talk a little bit about that.
But let me tell you a little bit about herbackground she's, has 25 years of experience in
the Canadian meeting and events industry as anentrepreneur event planner and an award winning
industry consultant.
Heather's no stranger to change and challengesin a business life and, comes up and and to bat
and and has, been doing this for 20 Roxanne.
(01:45):
Since 1994, she's owned a full service eventplanning agency, and in 2016, founded the award
winning consultancy known as Plana Project Inc,a company dedicated to addressing the needs for
education and consulting for event contractnegotiations.
She has reached received awards for thoughtleadership and commitments to events, including
(02:06):
a smart women in meeting award, the innovativecategory, and the meetings in incentive travel
Canada's Hall of Fame Award.
Heather's also, no stranger to change andchallenges, not just in her professional life,
but personally, She's a survivor of, sexualtrauma in her youth and mom to 2 adult children
(02:26):
with, some thought provoking stories of theirown, bicamidis sharing these lessons she's
learned through her life.
Heather hopes to help others with their journeytrue change in challenges.
Now you've, you know, obviously started a asuccessful business and we know what what it is
(02:47):
to create a business and to keep it afloat for25 years.
I'm sure there's a lot of things that you'velearned about change.
So, Heather, let's talk a little bit about howyou think of change because I think that would
probably kind of help people understand kindayour space.
Sure.
Change to me is is something that happens withwarning and without warning.
(03:12):
I think sometimes we we can see the writing onthe wall that changes coming and sometimes we
can feel completely blindsided by it.
And, and for good and for bad reasons, changecan be a very positive thing, but, change can
also mean, unpleasant trees and, misfortune andthings like that.
(03:33):
So, for me in business for the 25 years, it'sinteresting.
I actually just had a quite a vivid discussionwith my family.
We were away for a week, together, and, we weretalking about how I felt.
I wasn't as successful as an entrepreneur as Iwould have liked to have been.
And I measure myself and and success, at leastI typically think of it as monetary success.
(03:58):
And, and I was quickly reminded by my adultchildren and my husband that There was so much
more successful about my business than just thebottom line.
And I didn't see the bottom line as beingsuccessful because it wasn't even though
revenues were, you know, in the six figures,some years, not every year by any means, I
(04:19):
didn't feel like I saw it in my paycheck or inmy take home.
But what I was reminded was that I wassuccessful in terms of I was at home with 2
children from the day they were born until theythey left the to go to post secondary.
I contributed to the mortgages of up to 6 staffat some point.
(04:40):
I was, you know, the parent that was able to goand help with a hot lunch day.
I was able to do all the, you know, the fieldtrips other parents didn't have the luxury of
doing because of their work.
And so there were lots of things that theydefined success for me that I didn't see and I
had forgotten of.
We have tremendous flexibility.
(05:01):
My husband went through a period where he was20 fourseven at work.
And someone had to hold down the fort.
And so, change for me is something that I Ithink it's just been there, and I think it is
for every woman, that is carrying any more thanone role at a time.
Whether it be, you know, strictly mom orstrictly, you know, a worker or strictly, a
(05:25):
sister or a daughter or whatever role.
I think we carry so many hats that change isinevitable.
And how we handle that, I think is how we viewand how we get through life.
If we're able to handle change, then we're ableto handle what comes at us and to adapt and to,
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kind of come out on the other side thinkingthat was successful, even though it may not be
that, you know, the normal kind of how othersdefine success.
And, so, yeah, yeah, it just, change isinevitable.
Good, bad.
And, for me, the entrepreneurial journey hasbeen interesting.
(06:08):
It served a purpose when I started out.
I can't say that I ever set out to be anentrepreneur.
I actually became one because of circumstanceslike staying at home with little children in
the nineties.
And saw it as my only viable option because Ineeded to stay somehow academically challenged
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and, you know, contributing, and, going to workwas was not what our option was at that point.
So it I kind of fell in but then really kind ofdidn't measure it in the way that others did
and others saw it.
I just kept contributing it to the bottom line.
I didn't contribute.
I didn't you know, have this 6 figure profit.
(06:50):
I didn't have, you know, these things that wetend to measure success by.
That's why.
Yeah.
Yep.
So now I would say that For the most part, weall go through change, especially, like, to
your point, I think as women, like myself, youknow, like, quite young, you know, I waited a
little bit later to have my son, but, you know,I was juggling always.
(07:11):
Do you think you grew up thinking about changein that way?
Cause I think now I think change and I think,oh, I I like
I think I like change, but really I
don't generally like change.
There's a change and I think they're coming andI'm gonna get prepped.
And then there's the other ones just justcareen at you and you and you go, woah.
I wish I had some time to for that.
(07:33):
Yeah.
Well, I I think I, you know, I the image justcame to my mind about, you know, the story that
the frog that if you put the frog in the in theyou know, regular temperature water, it stays
in and it can cook, you know, it gets cooked todeath.
Whereas if you put it into a pot of boilingwater, it jumps out.
And I think that's like change.
Right?
Like, if you're in the midst of it and changehappens around you, you acclimate to it.
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You adapt to it.
You find what might work.
You may find things that don't work more oftenthan you find things that will work.
But I think most people become accustomed tochange because I don't think there's too much
anymore that is absolutely a certainty or thatstays rigidly in place permanently.
(08:18):
I think we all have to become adept at change.
Now I can say on the flip side, I'm not onethat's really comfortable with change.
We we are trying to implement a back of housesystem for my second business, the planner
protect.
And, I hate change.
I hate implementing something new.
And so but I think there's places where youhave to change and where you're more motivated
(08:41):
to change than there are in some other aspects.
So at, yeah.
So let's Now you talked a little bit about,some challenges in your youth, and I I think,
you know, oftentimes, you know, if I were tomeet you and I know you and I have not met in
person, I'm sure we will run into each other.
I hope so.
(09:02):
Go back to normal.
But, you know, when successful women see othersuccessful women, let's say for in instance,
right, whether you're on a stage or you're, youknow, running an event or you're you don't
think of what they've been through.
Right?
And you kind of assume, like we do, You know,she looks a certain way.
(09:23):
She talks a certain way.
She presents herself a certain way.
She's probably not been through too much.
To speak up anyway, just the normal stuff.
Right?
Yep.
Tell you talked a little bit about some traumain your youth.
And I really, you know, with trauma, that's oneof the specialties that I, in my psychotherapy
(09:44):
career was one of my specialties, and I knowhow difficult it is, when you've been through
something traumatic.
So just time, if you wouldn't mind sharing kindof what that process was for you, because,
obviously, you know, your space is so positiveand and vibrant.
And, you know, like you said, you've raised afamily and you've ran this business.
(10:05):
How did you get through that trauma?
And what kind of things for somebody listeningthat maybe has been through like trauma, could
could kinda learn from what you did.
That's a a great question and and happy toanswer.
And I think Roxanne, one of the things thatI've said to you in our lead up to this is that
I am not shy of having difficult conversationsbecause I truly My heart says if some one
(10:28):
person can, have the have the ability to startcandid conversation or a difficult conversation
that they need to have, then to me, that's whyI speak frankly.
So, yeah, I did Actually, when I was, probablybetween the ages of 12 16 17, just before I
left for university, I my mom and dad, we wehad every blessing in the world.
(10:53):
We had music lessons, dance lessons.
You name it.
We had every kind of lesson going.
I was very privileged.
But I was put in the, in a viola lesson, with aa teacher that actually molested his students,
and I was an easy target for him.
However, I was blessed with the fact that Ididn't even know it was happening And, I mean,
(11:17):
certainly I look back and and there was thingsthat that obviously my psyche was hurt and
traumatized by it.
But in the moment, what he and he's actually injail, 30 courageous women other than myself,
actually did a a lawsuit and and, they won.
And, he he chose his target so carefully so Andwhat he did was just so benign, really, like,
(11:46):
like, to me as a student at that time as ateenager and yet, violated each of us.
And and then so that was the 4 or 5 yearsbefore I left home to go to university.
And, then in university, just the summer aftermy first, well, actually I had 3 years under my
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belt, changed universities.
And my 1st year in my second university, I hada field supervisor, that I was raped by.
We were out in the field, and, on an on I wasworking for this field supervisor who was doing
his masters.
And, that was a hellish experience.
(12:29):
And it came Again, I I just didn't know.
And and you have to know that this was in 1987when things were just absolutely not talked
about There wasn't social media.
There wasn't Google.
There wasn't a lot of things.
I came from a a privileged, narrow, tightfamily that did not have these conversations
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that just it wasn't part of of my growing up.
And that was an incredibly isolating time.
I I couldn't I couldn't go home.
I couldn't talk to my parents, and it wasthrough the blessing of one one.
Very, very close friend who was in, studying tobe a nurse, who I confided in, then I actually
(13:11):
ended up getting pregnant from that rape, thatsolitary act, and she walked me through the
process, of the abortion.
And but that was 30 years ago.
And, And now I think so many of of women gothrough that kind of experience in some manner,
that we have it as part of our our psyche partof who we are.
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And I think part of it for me is that I want tosucceed despite that.
I want to that pushes me.
It drives me.
It, it I'll show you if that's such a thing isthat was kind of my response.
When it came time to deal with the after effectof the rape, mean, there was no counseling.
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I didn't, you know, I dealt with university,medicine, department kind of thing as far as
the on-site, medical staff.
There was no counseling offered.
There was just you know, procedural medical,you know, and it was we were left to our self.
And and how do you deal with that?
(14:16):
And and I think for me, it was I just had tokinda just shove it away for quite a long time.
And, it was probably about 10, well, not quite10 years.
It would probably be 6 or 7 before I spoke toanyone other than my husband, and this one
girlfriend.
And then after that, it it it, you know, andand I got reactions like, well, were you
(14:39):
flirting with him?
Were you, you know, what were you wearing?
Kind of that mentality then.
And, and that had nothing to do with it.
So, yeah, there there's been trauma for sure.
And I carried that trauma through weight.
I didn't resort to gambling or drinking or Youknow, but I did eat how I felt, and, that was
(15:05):
certainly evident.
That's not something that you can hide, right,at, I ate through all of that hurt.
And I got to myself to almost close to £400.
And then, through the course of, I think, justyears of of sharing, years of, you know, just
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realizing that I'm worth it, that it wasn't myfault that I am not to blame that, these things
were done to me.
They weren't done, you know, they weren't donefor me.
I I I don't mean that in that way, but it Itwas it had nothing to do with me.
Right?
Neither of them, they were chosen, deliberatethings done to me.
(15:52):
And the more I worked through that and andtried to and the more I parented as well and
realized, you know, I can't come from a adamaged place.
I need to do the work.
I need to explore.
I'm a ferocious reader.
I've done a lot of reading of, you know, thatself help kind of working through things.
And so it was, you know, and a lot of reallyamazing women that I have learned to surround
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myself with, who I can share with openly.
And, so, yeah, it's been, I don't have my craptogether.
I think I think most of us will continue towork on that, Heather, to
be a giant, you know, I mean Absolutely.
Because we are human beings that are constantlyin in interaction with, less than ideal
(16:37):
situations.
But Yes.
You know, what I what I'm struck by truly isthat, you know, we know the symptoms can be,
you know, everything from the sense ofdepression, anxiety.
You talked about eating disorders, which isvery normal.
Addiction.
Things because to your point, this wasn't thiswasn't about you.
(16:57):
You're you're of the circumstance, but whathappens, unfortunately, and tell me if this
makes sense is you know, if you don't get theright supports or you don't like, you had a bit
of a I'm gonna I'm gonna I got this because I'mnot gonna give it up, because this was this was
about somebody that hurt me, but what happens,unfortunately, the psyche sometimes, because it
becomes the paid has to be stored somewhere.
(17:20):
Yes.
It's housed and people internalize it, andthose messages become bigger and bigger.
It's like a bullhorn.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Absolutely.
You have to learn what are the steps to turndown that bullhorn because that is not who you
are.
Someone hurt you And in in allowing thatbullhorn to run that, you've given away your
power yet again.
(17:41):
Yeah.
Right?
Well, in in that bull that bullhorn speaks upat at the most inopportune times too and and
continues to 30 so many years later, I can't dothe math on the spot here, but But it it shows
up at times where you kinda go, where did thatcome from?
And and you realize, yeah, it's it's that childin me or it's that hurt in me that, you know, I
(18:03):
actually just had a conversation and someoneasked to, be an accountability partner partner
with them.
And this is a woman that I just hold in suchhigh esteem.
And my gut reaction was, well, I'm not worthy.
And I'm like, hold on.
Where did that come from?
Course I am.
Right?
Like, but yet it's those gut reactions.
And so I I do struggle with that.
(18:24):
I struggle with some confidence issues and yet,you know, I seem to plow ahead and just keep
putting one foot in front of another, but butabsolutely, there is a a recording.
There's a, you know, a tape player that goescomes back every once in a while and you think,
wow, where did that come from?
But I know exactly where it came from and and,you know, identifying it and And having
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conversations like this with you, it it helpsme every single time to say, you know, this I
am not this I am so much more.
Struggle with those things.
Right?
Yeah.
Even without trauma, like, if we were talkingabout what it is and how many things women to
go through.
And if you think about it, you know, I was, youknow, Madeline Albright, you know, who she not
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all sorry, all red.
The lawyer who was the advocate for women'sissues.
And she talked a lot about her experience andshe talked to why she be she became such an
advocate because she had, likewise, had beenraped and she became pregnant.
And then when she got the strength.
What she did is she took it upon herself.
And this is when, you know, before the me tooand all of that stuff, she's been, you know, in
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that role for so long.
And it really brought it home because you and Ihad chatted, you know, I just listened to her
story on, you know, a documentary and, youknow, women, it's, you know, the stats
unfortunately are quite high.
It's 1 in 3 women, you know, before the age ofeighteen that would have gone through stuff.
And we see how society how things get tuckedaway until recently there's more people are
(19:56):
recognizing.
We have to really support others and you know,stand together and you did some, you know, so
interesting, right, because, you know, peoplewould say, what are the paths?
What what should I do?
You instead of, staying alone and you'repaying, you're connected.
Yep.
You had a dear friend.
Dear dear friend.
That allowed you a space and and havebasically, you know, held you in every sense of
(20:20):
the word to Yeah.
To give you the steps.
So, you know, I I call those inoculatedfactors.
Right?
And then you started to slowly, you know, thepain was still there.
Absolutely.
You talked a little bit about carrying the theweight because the weight becomes a protector.
Yes.
Yes.
He just says, don't look at me.
I'm gonna, you know, I I'm gonna make sure I'mokay, which really becomes intuitively, what
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does the brain and body do?
It protects you at at all odds until youfinally start to realize with time step by step
that I can do this.
Yeah.
I hear I hear that voice.
What am I gonna do to turn it down?
And it it there's so many variables that comeinto play where you, you know, you you kinda
try something when you think, oh, that's notworking so well, and you try something else.
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And then you before you know it, you know, youyou create that that success.
And I I'm I'm so happy you talked about thedefinition of success for women, right, because
women are constantly juggling all these things.
Plus you put put the added element of traumaand, you know, women are often second guessing
themselves because of so many things that theydo plus you, laden them with trauma, is it any
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wonder that we have so many women that wouldprobably second guess am I good enough?
Am I doing it right?
Am I successful enough?
Am I a good mom?
Am
I smart enough?
Yes.
Am I pretty enough?
Everything.
I'm told enough.
Am I blond enough?
Am I, you know, all those things things thatare bombarded with women, and I think it's, you
know, your story speaks to what happens,unfortunately, is, you know, the instinct of
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trauma as it wants you to curl up in a ball andkinda tuck yourself away and become invisible.
And truly what's needed is that I call it theexpansion of saying, it's not about it's not
about me.
You know, it's unfortunate, but what can I doabout it?
Let that you know, that backhand, perspectivethat you had that, you're not gonna take this
away from me, which is this, which is thethriver mentality, which is clearly what you
(22:15):
did.
Yeah.
And and and he was.
And and I was very blessed that I was I grew upin a household of 3 girls, and my mom and dad
told us that we could do anything we wanted.
And I already had that instilled in me as faras I can dream big.
I can do what I want.
And even though it seems like I and I took abig hit, I those those two things were big
(22:36):
hits.
Actually, it was my very 1st day of universitythat, I went to me to the 1st university for
music And it was my viola instructor that very1st day who went to measure me for, if you
know, a viola, you play it underneath yourchin, and he went to measure me And he didn't
do it like my teacher.
And I said, well, don't you have to, like, takeoff my top and go down in my bra?
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And he's like, what?
And it wasn't until that moment.
And then that I realized that I just wentthrough 5, 6 years of being traumatized that I
didn't even know it.
And and that was like this I don't know how doyou like, a brick wall that just kinda came
trump crumbling down.
It's like, what what was that?
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And yet I was able to kinda tuck it away andyou just move on.
I mean, I was in my late teens and and and thenthe the the neck you know, the the summer of 87
that I would have been, almost, well, I don'tknow, 64 to 87.
Whatever it is.
Right?
Like, and and so it it just but then the olderI get, the more distance you have from it, the
(23:47):
more that you have time to to process what itwas and you find other things that you're good
at, it's not that it's just that period oftime.
And I was very lucky that I had my husbandturned out to be a friend that I started I keep
became a friend with when I was 12.
He knew me before any of this had happened.
And so I was able to confide in him and and Hewas like, you can do anything and you're gonna
(24:12):
do anything you want and you're, you know, youyou this is not going to define you and you can
have whatever resources you want.
And I think you and I talked to, briefly aboutour daughter, our oldest daughter, in her 4th
year of university, horribly.
We got a phone call, you know, at 10:30 atnight, and she was couldn't breathe on the
(24:36):
other end of the phone, and we're like, what'sgoing on, she actually was raped, on campus,
and it was heinous, horrendous, horrendous,horrible.
And yet it was a it was an opportunity where Iwas able to say, You know what?
There is no shame.
(24:56):
You are not gonna live in this for a moment.
We're going to, you know, get you everyresource possible and her journey is going to
be very different than mine because now thereare resources.
Now we can talk about it.
Now we know that It's not about what you wore,what you or maybe maybe we do and maybe we
don't.
Maybe people, some people don't yet, but I knewthat it wasn't about her.
(25:20):
And and that we were able to to really help herget the resources.
And 2, 3 years later, she is further along thatjourney of healing that it took me decades and,
you know, to get to.
And it's just a a different, that was a anchallenging time to watch as a parent when you
(25:41):
know that the the pain that they're goingthrough firsthand and you go, oh, you know,
what can I do?
But yet, I knew what I could do because I'dbeen there,
been there, and and and not, sharing with yourparents at that time.
I should not.
Not at all.
Through your adversity, then you recognize whatcould I do differently.
And I, you know, and we know that.
(26:02):
Right?
Like, once, you know, you know, whoever theassault is happening to has that proper
support.
That there's a it is a such an additive elementto healing and to your point, there's resources
everywhere, you know, victim services.
There's respondents at the hospital.
There's you know, all those things that getdone that they can get help immediately to
(26:24):
start to, you know, obviously initially, get,you know, get ahold of the trauma when they're
in crisis and then eventually go back and, youknow, we process from a space of strength what
has happened and give back the responsibilityto who it liaise with.
And then, obviously, our judicial system isgetting a lot better.
They're still not there.
Around, you know, victim blaming, which Ithink, you know, with a lot more education,
(26:49):
it's gonna get better.
And then, unfortunately, with the celebritythat comes with the me too and stuff like that,
we have to use those advocates to to tighten,you know, women's voices.
We've we've not been involved
in in that much in the in the, legal aspectbecause she chose very purposely for herself,
(27:09):
not to,
at this time.
And she still has that window of time becausewe did everything by the book.
But she has shown at this point not to becauseit she has to protect herself first at this
point, wasn't prepared to go through that.
And I really respect for her that that she'smade the choice for herself, but it's been very
(27:31):
informed choice.
And I think that's where the difference is thatshe's made purposeful choices where I kind of
feel like I bumbled along and, you know, didn'tmake it deliberate choices because they weren't
at that time.
It wasn't just a structure or a a process or ajourney to follow.
It was, you know, I'd go off the rails and notreally know.
And and then, you know, I dealt withdepression.
(27:53):
As I said, the weight was awful.
I I kinda just carried this shroud, as yousaid, it protected me from a lot of things.
And, yeah, it's it's been a completelydifferent journey, for the 2 of us, but I think
a unique one where we see different And shegrew up in a household where I spoke about what
had happened to me.
(28:14):
And so she knew that calling home was not goingto be there was gonna be no judgment, no, like,
what were you doing?
You know, it was going to be you know what?
I I'll be there, and I had to take a train.
That was the worst 9 hours of my life wassitting on a train to get to the university
town to scoop her up in her car and bring herhome.
(28:35):
But it it just there wasn't the same reaction,that I feared if I was to have called home.
I didn't.
I didn't feel I could.
And yet, Kayla knew that she could.
She absolutely could, and she did.
Within mere hours.
You talked a lot about, and I'm curious becauseI wanna understand that.
(28:58):
That you when you became a parent, yourecognized that you had to have a certain level
of strength because now you had these childrento raise and tell me what happened when you
became a parent and then you had gone to yourtruck.
What shifted that you said?
You know, I'm gonna use a benign link.
I'm gonna use a story of mine.
I always had problems.
(29:20):
When I when, you know, I had to go to thedoctor and they had to put a needle in my arm
to get blood.
I'd be like, I'd look away and I'd, you know, II go all this stuff and then my son was born,
and he was born a month early, and he wasjaundiced.
And I
remember saying to myself, And here's thislittle, you know, little thing because, you
know, feeder, you know, this tiny, and I had totake him in to get they had to take blood.
(29:44):
And I looked at him and, you know, obviously,he's using his helpless, and I I thought I'm
taking this helpless little baby.
I'm his mother.
And they're gonna have to prick him severaltimes a week.
I have to start looking because I need to givehim the support and not think about myself
because I'm a grown, you know, grown ass woman.
Sorry.
Don't mean to say that.
(30:05):
And I that's when I shifted to say, you canlook at that needle because he needs for you to
look at that needle, and you'll be okay.
And something shifted in me and ever since thatday, I've been able to look at It doesn't
bother me again.
Well, it's it's interesting.
And and my dad has passed.
My mom is still living, and I I love her.
(30:25):
But and so but I grew up in an era, and I thinkmany women of my 56 year era, grew up with year
to be seen and not heard.
And, you know, that we were you didn't talkback.
You didn't express your opinion.
You, you know, at least that was my experienceas the oldest child.
(30:48):
And, we were as I said, we were given everyblessing in life, and we came from an amazing
household, amazing community, but not without,you know, some issues or if you wanna say that,
but I grew up really knowing that that we justdidn't challenge the authority.
We didn't challenge you know, elders or I grewup feeling voice less if that's that's how I've
(31:13):
coined it since the time.
Like, I certainly didn't feel that as a as ayoung child or as a teenager, or even those 1st
few years going off to university, I didn'tfeel that way.
But I've come to identify it as just notfeeling like I had my own personal voice.
And I I was thirty when our oldest was born.
And so I had a few years under me, and, if youexperiences by then, and I I decided very, very
(31:38):
early on, and I can't say I, we, my husband andI, that we wanted our kids to have a voice, and
we didn't have to agree with their voice.
They were gonna learn respect, but we wanted tohear them out.
And it was interesting because my kids are asdifferent as day night.
You could not have 2 biologically biologicalsiblings be more different than mine too.
(32:02):
And so it it caused a lot of of me because ifone would say black, the other one would say
white.
If one said I'm gonna go right, the other onesaid I'm gonna go left.
Like, it just was a constant, right, from theday the second one was born.
And And but, yeah, I was very true.
We were very true to the fact that we wantedthem to be able to express themselves and have
their opinion and and tell us what they werethinking And a lot of that came from the fact
(32:25):
that I wanted to have a voice that could talkto them as well.
I wanted them to know that they could tell usanything anywhere, anytime, but that came by
being deliberate because it's not what I hadexperienced growing up.
And so I think I don't I don't think it wasanything more earth shattering than that was
(32:45):
that when we had children, we decided veryspecifically that we were going to be very open
and allow them to be individuals, and theywere.
And, I mean, you know, like, Chris was wearingtheir fighting.
Right?
Like, it's just It was, it made for someuncomfortable ties, but, for the most part,
they are very individual individuals.
(33:07):
Who now get along and and for the most part,but they, so I I think that's one thing that I
look back and I think, yeah, that was a a a amove that worked out for us.
Right?
There was that both kids, knew that they couldtalk to us about anything, anytime, anywhere.
Go through your adversity, and I'm gonna gonnaand, you know, I'm also in your era because I'm
(33:28):
54.
And I grew up in the Caribbean, which isprobably gonna be less open.
I think I times than seeing North America atthat time.
And, you know, if you think about it, thatadversity of I couldn't I didn't feel safe
enough to say what happened.
And you could have you could have repeated thatpattern, Heather, but you is.
(33:50):
Yep.
Yep.
You you said, okay.
Well, I this has happened.
I'm gonna figure out my way.
And then, like, when you married like you said,then you decided together that, systemically,
you were gonna create an open system that setyour children regardless regardless of what
happens even though you didn't grow up withthat loving kind parents in a different
(34:11):
context, then you said, Openbook.
Yeah.
And and and I don't know why.
It just was very important to me to be heard.
And if I wanted to be heard, I wanted kids thatwere raised to be heard and that would listen
to others.
And, yeah, I Yeah.
(34:32):
I don't know.
I really don't know why, and I I probablyshould give that some thought, Roxanne, as to
why it was so important to me, but maybe itwas, you know, it's it's interesting because in
the moment of, my assault, with the fieldsupervisor, The one thing that I constantly the
image that flashes back to me is me screamingno, repeatedly.
(34:53):
And and I think part of that is when I say Ididn't have a voice I wasn't heard.
And and I didn't I knew I didn't have a voicewith the viola teacher.
I mean, I I didn't even know better, right,quite frankly, I didn't know better.
But with the with the rape, I I knew what washappening to me.
It was slow motion, but I know that it keptjust saying no, no, no, and And whether that
(35:14):
drives me and and whether I just I have thiscompelling need to be heard.
And it's interesting because even in myprofessional work, I have a drive to be heard.
I think that's why I started my second businesswas because I had an area of expertise that I
wanted to share but I also wanted to be heardas an expert.
And and, you know, whether that's justintrinsic in me that that's part of how I work
(35:39):
through things.
I don't know.
But, yeah, it's certainly been, a big part ofof who I am and how I've handled things.
That makes sense then because, like, if youlook at it, like, that that concept of having a
voice, I think you will hear a lot ofsurvivor's talk about it.
It becomes a pinnacle, but I think intuitivelyas human beings, there's a deep part of us that
(36:03):
needs to be heard.
And then if it gets taken away by a trauma,it's almost like it has that reverberating
effect.
It has to come out at some point, right, asdevelopmentally, I think as human beings, and
as women, like with some of the things we'retalking about, you have to fight that much
harder.
And then when that gets ripped away, it it itit it gets created in energy.
(36:23):
And sometimes, Unfortunately, some women go theother way where they curl in and and they they
they become smaller and they become invisible,which I clearly out of this interview for
anybody listening, you have shown what it is tothrive through adversity, right, and not let
events, that has nothing to do with you.
(36:45):
Take your power.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And and I hope that is a message because I Ididn't set out to know that.
Like, I I it's but but it has proven itself tobe incredibly solid thinking is that that reach
out.
One of the the things I say is be patient withyourself, but have the courage to to ask and to
(37:05):
reach out and to talk to others.
Like, you know, go quiet.
Yes.
But not forever.
Not, you know, to your detriment that you'vegotta reach out and and talk to others.
And I Actually, one of the one of the, so ourour son, who's the second born, is an amazing
(37:25):
person, and I was sharing his story one timefrom the stage.
And I had a mom come and say because of of whatyou've said, I know I'm gonna be okay.
And I think what we have to do all the time isis just say, you know, what?
This is my story, and the more you say it outloud, others will will learn from that, but
you'll learn about yourself when you talk outloud and you learn how other people have coped
(37:45):
and you can take that and and, you know, coursecorrect if you have to for your self, but,
trying to be an island that just tries tofigure out things out on your own doesn't work.
No.
No.
You need you need every life raft there is.
And time, you know, backups to backups to be
able to see.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So what I'd like people to really recognize andwhy it's so important for me, with trauma is
(38:11):
that a lot of people lose their way, right,where because that the pain is that palpable
when a trauma happens, and the brain and thebody does its thing.
It does what it needs to do to keep us alive.
And in your situation, why I find this sopowerful is that you've been able to pivot
that, and, you know, use different methodsRight?
(38:33):
Like you said, you didn't do the traditionalway.
You know, you figured out the friendships.
You got the connections.
You you and then when things got bigger, youthought, okay.
I gotta do something different.
You connected, you connected, you connected,because again, when we're depressed, we wanna
fall in and we wanna just kinda shut out theworld.
We need to maybe do that initially when there'sa trauma but then the more the quicker that you
(38:53):
can open up, then you're you're gonna get thatconnection.
And as soon as, like, you know, you and I havenot met in person, but we've had two
conversations.
And now I see your beautiful face, you know,there's a connection that happens human to
human, and that's where, healing happens.
Well, and I also think I I I think back to awoman that's in my life now who I I think
(39:16):
people are putting your path and and they seein you what you may have lost in yourself.
And and that for me, back in 2013 when my dadhad passed away just probably about 6, 7 weeks
prior, and and he was a big figure in my life.
And and, I was pretty lost and I was very, veryheavy.
And I was in the throes of of, you know,parenting teenage kids and all of that.
(39:39):
Right?
And and all of that and running.
And I had employees at the time and and I hadthis vision of of who I thought I could be and
I wasn't delivering on it.
And it just I was I called myself a hot mess atthat point.
But, she saw in me what I didn't see in myself,and I would encourage other people that if you
have people that that say to you, you are thisor you are that, or I see you as this trust
(40:03):
them.
Trust them because you you don't you don't, youdon't, buy into yourself.
If, you know, like, we're we're hardest onourselves.
And and so if you can trust that what someoneelse sees in you is really real, then lean on
that and and invest in that and and lean intowhat they're saying and how you are.
(40:25):
And if you can't trust yourself or rely onyourself, then rely on someone else.
And and I have to say that at that point, and,when this woman, you know, saw in me what I
could be and what I had lost sight of, thosepeople in your life are so, so important.
And it doesn't have to be this lady was a abusiness coach, actually.
And and didn't know me from anyone else in theroom, but over time, got to know me and then
(40:51):
spoke to me in a way that I went, oh, Wow.
You see that?
You know, I don't see that in myself and and,so I think it's listening to others and and
trusting others that they see you differently.
Than how your own recording, your own, youknow, tape, your own, you know, mindset may
fail you.
So Oh, this has been an amazing interview.
(41:12):
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
And for anyone out there that, you know, isinspired by this, you know, Heather, they might
want to chat with you.
They might want you to tell your story on stageabout, adversity and change, where is it that
people can get a hold of of you if they'd wantyou to do that?
(41:34):
Well, first of all, I'd love to just a simplephone call, if that's what someone needs, just
an ear to listen and to to, share with.
I can be reached through my second businessprimarily, which is, email, which is
heather@plannerprotect.ca.
So just as it sounds, the word planner the wordprotect.ca.
(41:58):
Or, yeah, it's probably the easiest way is byemail.
You could probably find me on Facebook prettyeasy to find, but, I would be delighted to
connect with anyone that that needs a confidantor, you know, that I can shore up with some in
some manner, I would love to have thatprivilege to do that.
So
Thank you.
How gracious of you, Heather?
(42:18):
So what am I walking away with?
You know, I I talk a lot about relationships,and I think what what Heather showed today is
that there will be things in our lives thatgets us disconnected for who we are truly meant
to be.
And to use, to her last point, because we areso tough on ourselves.
(42:42):
Use others, that see that keep that reflectivelens clear
and
then go along a bit at a time.
And eventually, you'll reconnect to thatauthentic self.
Yep.
And, again, Heather, this has been amazing, foranyone that ever wants to, you know, work on
that piece within themselves.
I can be reached at Roxanne com.
(43:05):
Thanks for tuning in to authentic living withRoxanne, creating the space for positive,
healthy change.
Roxanne is a keynote speaker psychotherapist,and coach to work with Roxanne.
Visit rocksandurhaj.com/blueprint.
We'll see you next time on authentic livingwith Roxanne.
Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, aplace where we have as conversations about
things that really matter in our lives.
And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
(00:35):
Hi, Boanne.
It's Roxanne Derhodge.
I'm authenticating with Roxanne.
Thanks so much for tuning in again, this week.
Today, I have someone very special that's, Cometo join us today.
Her name is Heather Read.
Hi, Heather.
How are you?
Very well, Christine.
How are you today?
I'm good.
I'm good.
So Heather has, I'm gonna say some prettyfascinating, stories that I We chatted and got
(01:02):
connected by another colleague.
And, I'm gonna talk to her.
She's her background is, quite diverse inbusiness.
But what we're gonna talk today about is morearound, concepts of resilience and how do you
get through things that you know, oftentimeslife deals us and we don't know how we're gonna
get through and somehow we get through theother side.
(01:23):
So we're gonna talk a little bit about that.
But let me tell you a little bit about herbackground she's, has 25 years of experience in
the Canadian meeting and events industry as anentrepreneur event planner and an award winning
industry consultant.
Heather's no stranger to change and challengesin a business life and, comes up and and to bat
and and has, been doing this for 20 Roxanne.
(01:45):
Since 1994, she's owned a full service eventplanning agency, and in 2016, founded the award
winning consultancy known as Plana Project Inc,a company dedicated to addressing the needs for
education and consulting for event contractnegotiations.
She has reached received awards for thoughtleadership and commitments to events, including
(02:06):
a smart women in meeting award, the innovativecategory, and the meetings in incentive travel
Canada's Hall of Fame Award.
Heather's also, no stranger to change andchallenges, not just in her professional life,
but personally, She's a survivor of, sexualtrauma in her youth and mom to 2 adult children
(02:26):
with, some thought provoking stories of theirown, bicamidis sharing these lessons she's
learned through her life.
Heather hopes to help others with their journeytrue change in challenges.
Now you've, you know, obviously started a asuccessful business and we know what what it is
(02:47):
to create a business and to keep it afloat for25 years.
I'm sure there's a lot of things that you'velearned about change.
So, Heather, let's talk a little bit about howyou think of change because I think that would
probably kind of help people understand kindayour space.
Sure.
Change to me is is something that happens withwarning and without warning.
(03:12):
I think sometimes we we can see the writing onthe wall that changes coming and sometimes we
can feel completely blindsided by it.
And, and for good and for bad reasons, changecan be a very positive thing, but, change can
also mean, unpleasant trees and, misfortune andthings like that.
(03:33):
So, for me in business for the 25 years, it'sinteresting.
I actually just had a quite a vivid discussionwith my family.
We were away for a week, together, and, we weretalking about how I felt.
I wasn't as successful as an entrepreneur as Iwould have liked to have been.
And I measure myself and and success, at leastI typically think of it as monetary success.
(03:58):
And, and I was quickly reminded by my adultchildren and my husband that There was so much
more successful about my business than just thebottom line.
And I didn't see the bottom line as beingsuccessful because it wasn't even though
revenues were, you know, in the six figures,some years, not every year by any means, I
(04:19):
didn't feel like I saw it in my paycheck or inmy take home.
But what I was reminded was that I wassuccessful in terms of I was at home with 2
children from the day they were born until theythey left the to go to post secondary.
I contributed to the mortgages of up to 6 staffat some point.
(04:40):
I was, you know, the parent that was able to goand help with a hot lunch day.
I was able to do all the, you know, the fieldtrips other parents didn't have the luxury of
doing because of their work.
And so there were lots of things that theydefined success for me that I didn't see and I
had forgotten of.
We have tremendous flexibility.
(05:01):
My husband went through a period where he was20 fourseven at work.
And someone had to hold down the fort.
And so, change for me is something that I Ithink it's just been there, and I think it is
for every woman, that is carrying any more thanone role at a time.
Whether it be, you know, strictly mom orstrictly, you know, a worker or strictly, a
(05:25):
sister or a daughter or whatever role.
I think we carry so many hats that change isinevitable.
And how we handle that, I think is how we viewand how we get through life.
If we're able to handle change, then we're ableto handle what comes at us and to adapt and to,
(05:47):
kind of come out on the other side thinkingthat was successful, even though it may not be
that, you know, the normal kind of how othersdefine success.
And, so, yeah, yeah, it just, change isinevitable.
Good, bad.
And, for me, the entrepreneurial journey hasbeen interesting.
(06:08):
It served a purpose when I started out.
I can't say that I ever set out to be anentrepreneur.
I actually became one because of circumstanceslike staying at home with little children in
the nineties.
And saw it as my only viable option because Ineeded to stay somehow academically challenged
(06:30):
and, you know, contributing, and, going to workwas was not what our option was at that point.
So it I kind of fell in but then really kind ofdidn't measure it in the way that others did
and others saw it.
I just kept contributing it to the bottom line.
I didn't contribute.
I didn't you know, have this 6 figure profit.
(06:50):
I didn't have, you know, these things that wetend to measure success by.
That's why.
Yeah.
Yep.
So now I would say that For the most part, weall go through change, especially, like, to
your point, I think as women, like myself, youknow, like, quite young, you know, I waited a
little bit later to have my son, but, you know,I was juggling always.
(07:11):
Do you think you grew up thinking about changein that way?
Cause I think now I think change and I think,oh, I I like
I think I like change, but really I
don't generally like change.
There's a change and I think they're coming andI'm gonna get prepped.
And then there's the other ones just justcareen at you and you and you go, woah.
I wish I had some time to for that.
(07:33):
Yeah.
Well, I I think I, you know, I the image justcame to my mind about, you know, the story that
the frog that if you put the frog in the in theyou know, regular temperature water, it stays
in and it can cook, you know, it gets cooked todeath.
Whereas if you put it into a pot of boilingwater, it jumps out.
And I think that's like change.
Right?
Like, if you're in the midst of it and changehappens around you, you acclimate to it.
(07:56):
You adapt to it.
You find what might work.
You may find things that don't work more oftenthan you find things that will work.
But I think most people become accustomed tochange because I don't think there's too much
anymore that is absolutely a certainty or thatstays rigidly in place permanently.
(08:18):
I think we all have to become adept at change.
Now I can say on the flip side, I'm not onethat's really comfortable with change.
We we are trying to implement a back of housesystem for my second business, the planner
protect.
And, I hate change.
I hate implementing something new.
And so but I think there's places where youhave to change and where you're more motivated
(08:41):
to change than there are in some other aspects.
So at, yeah.
So let's Now you talked a little bit about,some challenges in your youth, and I I think,
you know, oftentimes, you know, if I were tomeet you and I know you and I have not met in
person, I'm sure we will run into each other.
I hope so.
(09:02):
Go back to normal.
But, you know, when successful women see othersuccessful women, let's say for in instance,
right, whether you're on a stage or you're, youknow, running an event or you're you don't
think of what they've been through.
Right?
And you kind of assume, like we do, You know,she looks a certain way.
(09:23):
She talks a certain way.
She presents herself a certain way.
She's probably not been through too much.
To speak up anyway, just the normal stuff.
Right?
Yep.
Tell you talked a little bit about some traumain your youth.
And I really, you know, with trauma, that's oneof the specialties that I, in my psychotherapy
(09:44):
career was one of my specialties, and I knowhow difficult it is, when you've been through
something traumatic.
So just time, if you wouldn't mind sharing kindof what that process was for you, because,
obviously, you know, your space is so positiveand and vibrant.
And, you know, like you said, you've raised afamily and you've ran this business.
(10:05):
How did you get through that trauma?
And what kind of things for somebody listeningthat maybe has been through like trauma, could
could kinda learn from what you did.
That's a a great question and and happy toanswer.
And I think Roxanne, one of the things thatI've said to you in our lead up to this is that
I am not shy of having difficult conversationsbecause I truly My heart says if some one
(10:28):
person can, have the have the ability to startcandid conversation or a difficult conversation
that they need to have, then to me, that's whyI speak frankly.
So, yeah, I did Actually, when I was, probablybetween the ages of 12 16 17, just before I
left for university, I my mom and dad, we wehad every blessing in the world.
(10:53):
We had music lessons, dance lessons.
You name it.
We had every kind of lesson going.
I was very privileged.
But I was put in the, in a viola lesson, with aa teacher that actually molested his students,
and I was an easy target for him.
However, I was blessed with the fact that Ididn't even know it was happening And, I mean,
(11:17):
certainly I look back and and there was thingsthat that obviously my psyche was hurt and
traumatized by it.
But in the moment, what he and he's actually injail, 30 courageous women other than myself,
actually did a a lawsuit and and, they won.
And, he he chose his target so carefully so Andwhat he did was just so benign, really, like,
(11:46):
like, to me as a student at that time as ateenager and yet, violated each of us.
And and then so that was the 4 or 5 yearsbefore I left home to go to university.
And, then in university, just the summer aftermy first, well, actually I had 3 years under my
(12:06):
belt, changed universities.
And my 1st year in my second university, I hada field supervisor, that I was raped by.
We were out in the field, and, on an on I wasworking for this field supervisor who was doing
his masters.
And, that was a hellish experience.
(12:29):
And it came Again, I I just didn't know.
And and you have to know that this was in 1987when things were just absolutely not talked
about There wasn't social media.
There wasn't Google.
There wasn't a lot of things.
I came from a a privileged, narrow, tightfamily that did not have these conversations
(12:51):
that just it wasn't part of of my growing up.
And that was an incredibly isolating time.
I I couldn't I couldn't go home.
I couldn't talk to my parents, and it wasthrough the blessing of one one.
Very, very close friend who was in, studying tobe a nurse, who I confided in, then I actually
(13:11):
ended up getting pregnant from that rape, thatsolitary act, and she walked me through the
process, of the abortion.
And but that was 30 years ago.
And, And now I think so many of of women gothrough that kind of experience in some manner,
that we have it as part of our our psyche partof who we are.
(13:33):
And I think part of it for me is that I want tosucceed despite that.
I want to that pushes me.
It drives me.
It, it I'll show you if that's such a thing isthat was kind of my response.
When it came time to deal with the after effectof the rape, mean, there was no counseling.
(13:55):
I didn't, you know, I dealt with university,medicine, department kind of thing as far as
the on-site, medical staff.
There was no counseling offered.
There was just you know, procedural medical,you know, and it was we were left to our self.
And and how do you deal with that?
(14:16):
And and I think for me, it was I just had tokinda just shove it away for quite a long time.
And, it was probably about 10, well, not quite10 years.
It would probably be 6 or 7 before I spoke toanyone other than my husband, and this one
girlfriend.
And then after that, it it it, you know, andand I got reactions like, well, were you
(14:39):
flirting with him?
Were you, you know, what were you wearing?
Kind of that mentality then.
And, and that had nothing to do with it.
So, yeah, there there's been trauma for sure.
And I carried that trauma through weight.
I didn't resort to gambling or drinking or Youknow, but I did eat how I felt, and, that was
(15:05):
certainly evident.
That's not something that you can hide, right,at, I ate through all of that hurt.
And I got to myself to almost close to £400.
And then, through the course of, I think, justyears of of sharing, years of, you know, just
(15:29):
realizing that I'm worth it, that it wasn't myfault that I am not to blame that, these things
were done to me.
They weren't done, you know, they weren't donefor me.
I I I don't mean that in that way, but it Itwas it had nothing to do with me.
Right?
Neither of them, they were chosen, deliberatethings done to me.
(15:52):
And the more I worked through that and andtried to and the more I parented as well and
realized, you know, I can't come from a adamaged place.
I need to do the work.
I need to explore.
I'm a ferocious reader.
I've done a lot of reading of, you know, thatself help kind of working through things.
And so it was, you know, and a lot of reallyamazing women that I have learned to surround
(16:17):
myself with, who I can share with openly.
And, so, yeah, it's been, I don't have my craptogether.
I think I think most of us will continue towork on that, Heather, to
be a giant, you know, I mean Absolutely.
Because we are human beings that are constantlyin in interaction with, less than ideal
(16:37):
situations.
But Yes.
You know, what I what I'm struck by truly isthat, you know, we know the symptoms can be,
you know, everything from the sense ofdepression, anxiety.
You talked about eating disorders, which isvery normal.
Addiction.
Things because to your point, this wasn't thiswasn't about you.
(16:57):
You're you're of the circumstance, but whathappens, unfortunately, and tell me if this
makes sense is you know, if you don't get theright supports or you don't like, you had a bit
of a I'm gonna I'm gonna I got this because I'mnot gonna give it up, because this was this was
about somebody that hurt me, but what happens,unfortunately, the psyche sometimes, because it
becomes the paid has to be stored somewhere.
(17:20):
Yes.
It's housed and people internalize it, andthose messages become bigger and bigger.
It's like a bullhorn.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Absolutely.
You have to learn what are the steps to turndown that bullhorn because that is not who you
are.
Someone hurt you And in in allowing thatbullhorn to run that, you've given away your
power yet again.
(17:41):
Yeah.
Right?
Well, in in that bull that bullhorn speaks upat at the most inopportune times too and and
continues to 30 so many years later, I can't dothe math on the spot here, but But it it shows
up at times where you kinda go, where did thatcome from?
And and you realize, yeah, it's it's that childin me or it's that hurt in me that, you know, I
(18:03):
actually just had a conversation and someoneasked to, be an accountability partner partner
with them.
And this is a woman that I just hold in suchhigh esteem.
And my gut reaction was, well, I'm not worthy.
And I'm like, hold on.
Where did that come from?
Course I am.
Right?
Like, but yet it's those gut reactions.
And so I I do struggle with that.
(18:24):
I struggle with some confidence issues and yet,you know, I seem to plow ahead and just keep
putting one foot in front of another, but butabsolutely, there is a a recording.
There's a, you know, a tape player that goescomes back every once in a while and you think,
wow, where did that come from?
But I know exactly where it came from and and,you know, identifying it and And having
(18:45):
conversations like this with you, it it helpsme every single time to say, you know, this I
am not this I am so much more.
Struggle with those things.
Right?
Yeah.
Even without trauma, like, if we were talkingabout what it is and how many things women to
go through.
And if you think about it, you know, I was, youknow, Madeline Albright, you know, who she not
(19:09):
all sorry, all red.
The lawyer who was the advocate for women'sissues.
And she talked a lot about her experience andshe talked to why she be she became such an
advocate because she had, likewise, had beenraped and she became pregnant.
And then when she got the strength.
What she did is she took it upon herself.
And this is when, you know, before the me tooand all of that stuff, she's been, you know, in
(19:32):
that role for so long.
And it really brought it home because you and Ihad chatted, you know, I just listened to her
story on, you know, a documentary and, youknow, women, it's, you know, the stats
unfortunately are quite high.
It's 1 in 3 women, you know, before the age ofeighteen that would have gone through stuff.
And we see how society how things get tuckedaway until recently there's more people are
(19:56):
recognizing.
We have to really support others and you know,stand together and you did some, you know, so
interesting, right, because, you know, peoplewould say, what are the paths?
What what should I do?
You instead of, staying alone and you'repaying, you're connected.
Yep.
You had a dear friend.
Dear dear friend.
That allowed you a space and and havebasically, you know, held you in every sense of
(20:20):
the word to Yeah.
To give you the steps.
So, you know, I I call those inoculatedfactors.
Right?
And then you started to slowly, you know, thepain was still there.
Absolutely.
You talked a little bit about carrying the theweight because the weight becomes a protector.
Yes.
Yes.
He just says, don't look at me.
I'm gonna, you know, I I'm gonna make sure I'mokay, which really becomes intuitively, what
(20:42):
does the brain and body do?
It protects you at at all odds until youfinally start to realize with time step by step
that I can do this.
Yeah.
I hear I hear that voice.
What am I gonna do to turn it down?
And it it there's so many variables that comeinto play where you, you know, you you kinda
try something when you think, oh, that's notworking so well, and you try something else.
(21:04):
And then you before you know it, you know, youyou create that that success.
And I I'm I'm so happy you talked about thedefinition of success for women, right, because
women are constantly juggling all these things.
Plus you put put the added element of traumaand, you know, women are often second guessing
themselves because of so many things that theydo plus you, laden them with trauma, is it any
(21:27):
wonder that we have so many women that wouldprobably second guess am I good enough?
Am I doing it right?
Am I successful enough?
Am I a good mom?
Am
I smart enough?
Yes.
Am I pretty enough?
Everything.
I'm told enough.
Am I blond enough?
Am I, you know, all those things things thatare bombarded with women, and I think it's, you
know, your story speaks to what happens,unfortunately, is, you know, the instinct of
(21:51):
trauma as it wants you to curl up in a ball andkinda tuck yourself away and become invisible.
And truly what's needed is that I call it theexpansion of saying, it's not about it's not
about me.
You know, it's unfortunate, but what can I doabout it?
Let that you know, that backhand, perspectivethat you had that, you're not gonna take this
away from me, which is this, which is thethriver mentality, which is clearly what you
(22:15):
did.
Yeah.
And and and he was.
And and I was very blessed that I was I grew upin a household of 3 girls, and my mom and dad
told us that we could do anything we wanted.
And I already had that instilled in me as faras I can dream big.
I can do what I want.
And even though it seems like I and I took abig hit, I those those two things were big
(22:36):
hits.
Actually, it was my very 1st day of universitythat, I went to me to the 1st university for
music And it was my viola instructor that very1st day who went to measure me for, if you
know, a viola, you play it underneath yourchin, and he went to measure me And he didn't
do it like my teacher.
And I said, well, don't you have to, like, takeoff my top and go down in my bra?
(22:59):
And he's like, what?
And it wasn't until that moment.
And then that I realized that I just wentthrough 5, 6 years of being traumatized that I
didn't even know it.
And and that was like this I don't know how doyou like, a brick wall that just kinda came
trump crumbling down.
It's like, what what was that?
(23:20):
And yet I was able to kinda tuck it away andyou just move on.
I mean, I was in my late teens and and and thenthe the the neck you know, the the summer of 87
that I would have been, almost, well, I don'tknow, 64 to 87.
Whatever it is.
Right?
Like, and and so it it just but then the olderI get, the more distance you have from it, the
(23:47):
more that you have time to to process what itwas and you find other things that you're good
at, it's not that it's just that period oftime.
And I was very lucky that I had my husbandturned out to be a friend that I started I keep
became a friend with when I was 12.
He knew me before any of this had happened.
And so I was able to confide in him and and Hewas like, you can do anything and you're gonna
(24:12):
do anything you want and you're, you know, youyou this is not going to define you and you can
have whatever resources you want.
And I think you and I talked to, briefly aboutour daughter, our oldest daughter, in her 4th
year of university, horribly.
We got a phone call, you know, at 10:30 atnight, and she was couldn't breathe on the
(24:36):
other end of the phone, and we're like, what'sgoing on, she actually was raped, on campus,
and it was heinous, horrendous, horrendous,horrible.
And yet it was a it was an opportunity where Iwas able to say, You know what?
There is no shame.
(24:56):
You are not gonna live in this for a moment.
We're going to, you know, get you everyresource possible and her journey is going to
be very different than mine because now thereare resources.
Now we can talk about it.
Now we know that It's not about what you wore,what you or maybe maybe we do and maybe we
don't.
Maybe people, some people don't yet, but I knewthat it wasn't about her.
(25:20):
And and that we were able to to really help herget the resources.
And 2, 3 years later, she is further along thatjourney of healing that it took me decades and,
you know, to get to.
And it's just a a different, that was a anchallenging time to watch as a parent when you
(25:41):
know that the the pain that they're goingthrough firsthand and you go, oh, you know,
what can I do?
But yet, I knew what I could do because I'dbeen there,
been there, and and and not, sharing with yourparents at that time.
I should not.
Not at all.
Through your adversity, then you recognize whatcould I do differently.
And I, you know, and we know that.
(26:02):
Right?
Like, once, you know, you know, whoever theassault is happening to has that proper
support.
That there's a it is a such an additive elementto healing and to your point, there's resources
everywhere, you know, victim services.
There's respondents at the hospital.
There's you know, all those things that getdone that they can get help immediately to
(26:24):
start to, you know, obviously initially, get,you know, get ahold of the trauma when they're
in crisis and then eventually go back and, youknow, we process from a space of strength what
has happened and give back the responsibilityto who it liaise with.
And then, obviously, our judicial system isgetting a lot better.
They're still not there.
Around, you know, victim blaming, which Ithink, you know, with a lot more education,
(26:49):
it's gonna get better.
And then, unfortunately, with the celebritythat comes with the me too and stuff like that,
we have to use those advocates to to tighten,you know, women's voices.
We've we've not been involved
in in that much in the in the, legal aspectbecause she chose very purposely for herself,
(27:09):
not to,
at this time.
And she still has that window of time becausewe did everything by the book.
But she has shown at this point not to becauseit she has to protect herself first at this
point, wasn't prepared to go through that.
And I really respect for her that that she'smade the choice for herself, but it's been very
(27:31):
informed choice.
And I think that's where the difference is thatshe's made purposeful choices where I kind of
feel like I bumbled along and, you know, didn'tmake it deliberate choices because they weren't
at that time.
It wasn't just a structure or a a process or ajourney to follow.
It was, you know, I'd go off the rails and notreally know.
And and then, you know, I dealt withdepression.
(27:53):
As I said, the weight was awful.
I I kinda just carried this shroud, as yousaid, it protected me from a lot of things.
And, yeah, it's it's been a completelydifferent journey, for the 2 of us, but I think
a unique one where we see different And shegrew up in a household where I spoke about what
had happened to me.
(28:14):
And so she knew that calling home was not goingto be there was gonna be no judgment, no, like,
what were you doing?
You know, it was going to be you know what?
I I'll be there, and I had to take a train.
That was the worst 9 hours of my life wassitting on a train to get to the university
town to scoop her up in her car and bring herhome.
(28:35):
But it it just there wasn't the same reaction,that I feared if I was to have called home.
I didn't.
I didn't feel I could.
And yet, Kayla knew that she could.
She absolutely could, and she did.
Within mere hours.
You talked a lot about, and I'm curious becauseI wanna understand that.
(28:58):
That you when you became a parent, yourecognized that you had to have a certain level
of strength because now you had these childrento raise and tell me what happened when you
became a parent and then you had gone to yourtruck.
What shifted that you said?
You know, I'm gonna use a benign link.
I'm gonna use a story of mine.
I always had problems.
(29:20):
When I when, you know, I had to go to thedoctor and they had to put a needle in my arm
to get blood.
I'd be like, I'd look away and I'd, you know, II go all this stuff and then my son was born,
and he was born a month early, and he wasjaundiced.
And I
remember saying to myself, And here's thislittle, you know, little thing because, you
know, feeder, you know, this tiny, and I had totake him in to get they had to take blood.
(29:44):
And I looked at him and, you know, obviously,he's using his helpless, and I I thought I'm
taking this helpless little baby.
I'm his mother.
And they're gonna have to prick him severaltimes a week.
I have to start looking because I need to givehim the support and not think about myself
because I'm a grown, you know, grown ass woman.
Sorry.
Don't mean to say that.
(30:05):
And I that's when I shifted to say, you canlook at that needle because he needs for you to
look at that needle, and you'll be okay.
And something shifted in me and ever since thatday, I've been able to look at It doesn't
bother me again.
Well, it's it's interesting.
And and my dad has passed.
My mom is still living, and I I love her.
(30:25):
But and so but I grew up in an era, and I thinkmany women of my 56 year era, grew up with year
to be seen and not heard.
And, you know, that we were you didn't talkback.
You didn't express your opinion.
You, you know, at least that was my experienceas the oldest child.
(30:48):
And, we were as I said, we were given everyblessing in life, and we came from an amazing
household, amazing community, but not without,you know, some issues or if you wanna say that,
but I grew up really knowing that that we justdidn't challenge the authority.
We didn't challenge you know, elders or I grewup feeling voice less if that's that's how I've
(31:13):
coined it since the time.
Like, I certainly didn't feel that as a as ayoung child or as a teenager, or even those 1st
few years going off to university, I didn'tfeel that way.
But I've come to identify it as just notfeeling like I had my own personal voice.
And I I was thirty when our oldest was born.
And so I had a few years under me, and, if youexperiences by then, and I I decided very, very
(31:38):
early on, and I can't say I, we, my husband andI, that we wanted our kids to have a voice, and
we didn't have to agree with their voice.
They were gonna learn respect, but we wanted tohear them out.
And it was interesting because my kids are asdifferent as day night.
You could not have 2 biologically biologicalsiblings be more different than mine too.
(32:02):
And so it it caused a lot of of me because ifone would say black, the other one would say
white.
If one said I'm gonna go right, the other onesaid I'm gonna go left.
Like, it just was a constant, right, from theday the second one was born.
And And but, yeah, I was very true.
We were very true to the fact that we wantedthem to be able to express themselves and have
their opinion and and tell us what they werethinking And a lot of that came from the fact
(32:25):
that I wanted to have a voice that could talkto them as well.
I wanted them to know that they could tell usanything anywhere, anytime, but that came by
being deliberate because it's not what I hadexperienced growing up.
And so I think I don't I don't think it wasanything more earth shattering than that was
(32:45):
that when we had children, we decided veryspecifically that we were going to be very open
and allow them to be individuals, and theywere.
And, I mean, you know, like, Chris was wearingtheir fighting.
Right?
Like, it's just It was, it made for someuncomfortable ties, but, for the most part,
they are very individual individuals.
(33:07):
Who now get along and and for the most part,but they, so I I think that's one thing that I
look back and I think, yeah, that was a a a amove that worked out for us.
Right?
There was that both kids, knew that they couldtalk to us about anything, anytime, anywhere.
Go through your adversity, and I'm gonna gonnaand, you know, I'm also in your era because I'm
(33:28):
54.
And I grew up in the Caribbean, which isprobably gonna be less open.
I think I times than seeing North America atthat time.
And, you know, if you think about it, thatadversity of I couldn't I didn't feel safe
enough to say what happened.
And you could have you could have repeated thatpattern, Heather, but you is.
(33:50):
Yep.
Yep.
You you said, okay.
Well, I this has happened.
I'm gonna figure out my way.
And then, like, when you married like you said,then you decided together that, systemically,
you were gonna create an open system that setyour children regardless regardless of what
happens even though you didn't grow up withthat loving kind parents in a different
(34:11):
context, then you said, Openbook.
Yeah.
And and and I don't know why.
It just was very important to me to be heard.
And if I wanted to be heard, I wanted kids thatwere raised to be heard and that would listen
to others.
And, yeah, I Yeah.
(34:32):
I don't know.
I really don't know why, and I I probablyshould give that some thought, Roxanne, as to
why it was so important to me, but maybe itwas, you know, it's it's interesting because in
the moment of, my assault, with the fieldsupervisor, The one thing that I constantly the
image that flashes back to me is me screamingno, repeatedly.
(34:53):
And and I think part of that is when I say Ididn't have a voice I wasn't heard.
And and I didn't I knew I didn't have a voicewith the viola teacher.
I mean, I I didn't even know better, right,quite frankly, I didn't know better.
But with the with the rape, I I knew what washappening to me.
It was slow motion, but I know that it keptjust saying no, no, no, and And whether that
(35:14):
drives me and and whether I just I have thiscompelling need to be heard.
And it's interesting because even in myprofessional work, I have a drive to be heard.
I think that's why I started my second businesswas because I had an area of expertise that I
wanted to share but I also wanted to be heardas an expert.
And and, you know, whether that's justintrinsic in me that that's part of how I work
(35:39):
through things.
I don't know.
But, yeah, it's certainly been, a big part ofof who I am and how I've handled things.
That makes sense then because, like, if youlook at it, like, that that concept of having a
voice, I think you will hear a lot ofsurvivor's talk about it.
It becomes a pinnacle, but I think intuitivelyas human beings, there's a deep part of us that
(36:03):
needs to be heard.
And then if it gets taken away by a trauma,it's almost like it has that reverberating
effect.
It has to come out at some point, right, asdevelopmentally, I think as human beings, and
as women, like with some of the things we'retalking about, you have to fight that much
harder.
And then when that gets ripped away, it it itit it gets created in energy.
(36:23):
And sometimes, Unfortunately, some women go theother way where they curl in and and they they
they become smaller and they become invisible,which I clearly out of this interview for
anybody listening, you have shown what it is tothrive through adversity, right, and not let
events, that has nothing to do with you.
(36:45):
Take your power.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And and I hope that is a message because I Ididn't set out to know that.
Like, I I it's but but it has proven itself tobe incredibly solid thinking is that that reach
out.
One of the the things I say is be patient withyourself, but have the courage to to ask and to
(37:05):
reach out and to talk to others.
Like, you know, go quiet.
Yes.
But not forever.
Not, you know, to your detriment that you'vegotta reach out and and talk to others.
And I Actually, one of the one of the, so ourour son, who's the second born, is an amazing
(37:25):
person, and I was sharing his story one timefrom the stage.
And I had a mom come and say because of of whatyou've said, I know I'm gonna be okay.
And I think what we have to do all the time isis just say, you know, what?
This is my story, and the more you say it outloud, others will will learn from that, but
you'll learn about yourself when you talk outloud and you learn how other people have coped
(37:45):
and you can take that and and, you know, coursecorrect if you have to for your self, but,
trying to be an island that just tries tofigure out things out on your own doesn't work.
No.
No.
You need you need every life raft there is.
And time, you know, backups to backups to be
able to see.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So what I'd like people to really recognize andwhy it's so important for me, with trauma is
(38:11):
that a lot of people lose their way, right,where because that the pain is that palpable
when a trauma happens, and the brain and thebody does its thing.
It does what it needs to do to keep us alive.
And in your situation, why I find this sopowerful is that you've been able to pivot
that, and, you know, use different methodsRight?
(38:33):
Like you said, you didn't do the traditionalway.
You know, you figured out the friendships.
You got the connections.
You you and then when things got bigger, youthought, okay.
I gotta do something different.
You connected, you connected, you connected,because again, when we're depressed, we wanna
fall in and we wanna just kinda shut out theworld.
We need to maybe do that initially when there'sa trauma but then the more the quicker that you
(38:53):
can open up, then you're you're gonna get thatconnection.
And as soon as, like, you know, you and I havenot met in person, but we've had two
conversations.
And now I see your beautiful face, you know,there's a connection that happens human to
human, and that's where, healing happens.
Well, and I also think I I I think back to awoman that's in my life now who I I think
(39:16):
people are putting your path and and they seein you what you may have lost in yourself.
And and that for me, back in 2013 when my dadhad passed away just probably about 6, 7 weeks
prior, and and he was a big figure in my life.
And and, I was pretty lost and I was very, veryheavy.
And I was in the throes of of, you know,parenting teenage kids and all of that.
(39:39):
Right?
And and all of that and running.
And I had employees at the time and and I hadthis vision of of who I thought I could be and
I wasn't delivering on it.
And it just I was I called myself a hot mess atthat point.
But, she saw in me what I didn't see in myself,and I would encourage other people that if you
have people that that say to you, you are thisor you are that, or I see you as this trust
(40:03):
them.
Trust them because you you don't you don't, youdon't, buy into yourself.
If, you know, like, we're we're hardest onourselves.
And and so if you can trust that what someoneelse sees in you is really real, then lean on
that and and invest in that and and lean intowhat they're saying and how you are.
(40:25):
And if you can't trust yourself or rely onyourself, then rely on someone else.
And and I have to say that at that point, and,when this woman, you know, saw in me what I
could be and what I had lost sight of, thosepeople in your life are so, so important.
And it doesn't have to be this lady was a abusiness coach, actually.
And and didn't know me from anyone else in theroom, but over time, got to know me and then
(40:51):
spoke to me in a way that I went, oh, Wow.
You see that?
You know, I don't see that in myself and and,so I think it's listening to others and and
trusting others that they see you differently.
Than how your own recording, your own, youknow, tape, your own, you know, mindset may
fail you.
So Oh, this has been an amazing interview.
(41:12):
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
And for anyone out there that, you know, isinspired by this, you know, Heather, they might
want to chat with you.
They might want you to tell your story on stageabout, adversity and change, where is it that
people can get a hold of of you if they'd wantyou to do that?
(41:34):
Well, first of all, I'd love to just a simplephone call, if that's what someone needs, just
an ear to listen and to to, share with.
I can be reached through my second businessprimarily, which is, email, which is
heather@plannerprotect.ca.
So just as it sounds, the word planner the wordprotect.ca.
(41:58):
Or, yeah, it's probably the easiest way is byemail.
You could probably find me on Facebook prettyeasy to find, but, I would be delighted to
connect with anyone that that needs a confidantor, you know, that I can shore up with some in
some manner, I would love to have thatprivilege to do that.
So
Thank you.
How gracious of you, Heather?
(42:18):
So what am I walking away with?
You know, I I talk a lot about relationships,and I think what what Heather showed today is
that there will be things in our lives thatgets us disconnected for who we are truly meant
to be.
And to use, to her last point, because we areso tough on ourselves.
(42:42):
Use others, that see that keep that reflectivelens clear
and
then go along a bit at a time.
And eventually, you'll reconnect to thatauthentic self.
Yep.
And, again, Heather, this has been amazing, foranyone that ever wants to, you know, work on
that piece within themselves.
I can be reached at Roxanne com.
(43:05):
Thanks for tuning in to authentic living withRoxanne, creating the space for positive,
healthy change.
Roxanne is a keynote speaker psychotherapist,and coach to work with Roxanne.
Visit rocksandurhaj.com/blueprint.
We'll see you next time on authentic livingwith Roxanne.
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