360: Affairs, Flares, and Fantasy Matches

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:41 Q1: How common are affairs? Is this typical human behavior?

34:12 Q2: Am I broken or just in the wrong pair bond? 

57:40 Tenacious Delusions in Psychology

1:15:35 Final thoughts

Q1: Can Dr. Lisle talk about the frequency of affairs, particularly in modern western civilization? I was a little surprised to read about the prevalence of affairs, particularly in men in "happy marriages," described in The Mating Mind. I have been happily married for over 15 years and don't have any evidence my husband has had an affair. But, I have had a general sense that it is possible, and that sense is reinforced by Buss' statistical reports on the topic. If so many married people, especially men, have affairs, it seems odd that I almost never hear about such things amongst my social group. Are men just naturally extremely and effectively discreet with their affairs? Any thoughts about the ethics of extramarital affairs given how this behavior is clearly a typical aspect of human behavior?

Q2: My friends are dissecting my ex relationship trying to analyse what went wrong, so do I actually, and Im being recommended a therapy so I do not make the same mistake again.  At almost 40 I met someone who was good enough to get pregnant with, although he turned out to be more disagreeable to what my nervous system could take( not to the outside world, just at home). One child, multiple miscarriages and 5 years later he left me… I felt guilty about it as I was the one making fights and creating conflicts as I would disagree with his criticism or poor advice or poor involvement/investment in a family life.  I have had a consultation with Dr Lisle already and his opinion was- it wasn't a winning relationship.  But my ex partner came back. We went back to disagreeing and he left. All together 4 times in the last 6 months. He kept escaping to his sunny homeland Spain, whereas we're in the rainy UK. Im left with a child on my own, and although I got what I wanted for many years, ie an offspring, my understanding is: he wasn't my match, I stopped needing his help and I never truly admired his achievements. I was grateful for things he gave us, but I wanted more.  Do I need a therapy to work on myself being disagreeable like my father and my brothers. Or is the truth in the environment: once I meet someone who provisions enough and has a lot of expertise, I will shut up and sit quietly in awe?