Bitch Bible

Jackie recaps the sick game Belly is playing in The Summer I Turned Pretty, discusses Clyde’s aspirations to be the next Mikhail Baryshnikov, elaborates on the perfect murder plan, and delights in her guests’ discomfort at her With Hate birthday party.

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Jackie sits down with living sculpture John Hill to discuss his sobriety, the most trouble he’s ever been in for something he said on the radio, a shared love of Allison Janney, and John’s additions to the With Hate, Jacqueline list.

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It's Jacqueline Taylor Schimmel-Haas' birthday, and she's been preparing for months her 2025 list of things she hates - some are broad, some are niche, but all of them are felt deeply in her soul.

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Jackie gets her sphincter lasered, creates a fake Instagram for her husband, and has the harsh realization that she may never see Cheryl again.

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Jackie deals with a biohazard event with her drunken sorority sister Clyde, chastises the internet for its mediocrity and lack of intelligence, and does a very special Ask Me Anything.

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How much does Jackie hate the beach? Let her count the ways…

Jackie suggests JoJo Siwa is in desperate need of a transformational, spiritual journey to make up for the developmental damage she has accumulated as a former child star, asks Andrew what he loves most about her, and rails against frosted glass doors and the character flaws they harbor.

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Jackie recaps the first leg of her Dim the Lights tour, discovers that she is brave and vulnerable, and introduces Clyde to the bright lights of show business.

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Jackie deals with her Grammy nomination snub, why some funerals feel like low budge Coachella and delights with some new poetry she penned after a few cocktails of despair.

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Jackie is joined by Olympic figure skater Adam Rippon to discuss Chat GPT's lies, waxing mishaps, and Adam's obsession with collecting stone fruit, crystals, and life-size porcelain animals.

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Jackie takes up pickling, shoots up at a child’s birthday party in the park, and goes over her tour packing-list that will almost certainly get Josh searched by the TSA.

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Jackie mourns the death of quiet luxury, heralded by Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez’s childhood-trampoline-park-Chuck-E-Cheese style wedding invitations, grey CVS aisle carpet, and nonsensical guest list. Also, Sydney Sweeney’s collaboration with Basking Robbins - Gummy Bears!

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Jackie recounts a harrowing experience trying to buy candle pillars for grandma Gloria, has a religious experience with a pink canvas Bottega jacket, and regurgitates the timeless story of backdoor Rhonda.

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Jackie addresses some public scrutiny from a recent radio appearance, discusses what Labubu represents, talks shit on Andrew for party mix, and reveals her sister's childhood sapphic inclinations.

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Jackie makes her highly anticipated (not really) return and attempts to breeze into 2018 with the finesse of a young Grace Kelly. Until she is confronted with a rat mid recording and has to seek shelter, refuge, alcohol and access to basic cable. New year, same bitch.    

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Jackie is solo parenting this week and explains why Andrew's use of the words "Cozy" and "Chilly" is grounds for divorce. She also gives the single best piece of advice for high-schoolers, points out the consequences of Carrie Underwood turning her back on her gay fans, and makes her stance on Labubu clear.

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Jackie advises JLo and Sydney Sweeney to approach life from a place of 'no', gives her opinion on personalized license plates and Disney adults, and answers (and criticizes) listeners' burning questions.

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Jackie discusses bearing the burden of other people's stupidity, her new obsession with Dianna Agron's longing for a simple life with früt, and plans her second wedding.

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Jackie discusses her pre-menstrual cycle dreams, announces her (presumably) Sundance and Cannes award-winning live show, and gives updates on the Diddy and Blake Lively cases using her best legal jargon.

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