Chapter 2: Consistency & Reliability

This is the first meditation of Chapter 2: Innocence: Consistency and Reliability.

Breathing is Action meditations are created to acknowledge the life lessons we learn from the developmental needs of the human lifespan. All of Chapter 2, titled Innocence, focuses on the life lessons that can be learn from infancy, the beginning of the lifespan.

Consistency and reliability are the building blocks of trust and safety. They are very important life skills to cultivate inside of ourselves. It is equally important to be able to recognize these qualities in others in order to surround ourselves with people who are safe and with whom we can be vulnerable.

The Importance of Consistency & Reliability in Infancy

Infants are the epitome of vulnerability. They are entirely reliant on their caregivers to have their needs met and to keep them safe. When they are just born, they can barely even see. For months and months, they aren’t able to walk, talk or do much of anything on their own. Infants cry out to their caregivers as their only means of communication. When they cry, they may be asking themselves “Is someone coming to help me or am I all alone?”  Being alone when you are this vulnerable is more than just a question of comfort, it is a concern for survival. They also do not have the capacity to understand the difference between a physical need or an emotional need, they only know to cry out for help.

After many years and multiple experiences, an infant that has had a consistent and reliable caregiver can learn to trust that the world is safe and that the adults in their lives have their best interest at heart. Consistency and reliability in relationships are needed beyond infancy. We learn lessons of emotional safety through the consistency and reliability of our friends, teachers, daycare providers, family members, society and so on as we grow up. It remains an important quality we search for in future mature friendships, romantic and professional relationships as well.

As we mature and individuate into our own unique person, we’re tasked with becoming our own source of safety for ourselves. Depending on our early life experiences, we’ll have developed an internal dialogue that is compassionate and kind or harsh and dismissive, and anywhere in between. This article is for those of us who, for whatever reason, have developed an internalized dialogue that is not necessarily very nice or understanding. For some, we don’t even realize how quick we are to dismiss our emotions and say to ourselves “It’s not that big of a deal, toughen up” or “I shouldn’t be crying, it’s embarrassing” or “What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this?” Through meditation, I was able to witness just how often I said such things to myself without me even recognizing it. The uncomfortable truth is some of us emotionally abandon ourselves quite regularly. We’ve learned to ignore, fear or be irritated by our own emotional needs and those of others. However, this is not set in stone!

Let’s Start Fresh!

Thankfully, anything you’ve learned can be unlearned. For those of us who would like to be a little more consistent with care and compassion for both ourselves and the people in our lives, it may be helpful to unlearn some of the things we picked up along the way. Let’s begin anew! Let’s start over and relate to ourselves in a whole new way. For example, what do we do when an infant cries? Well, we swoop in and see what’s the matter, judgement-free. We’re full of genuine concern. So, we simply mirror that same dynamic with ourselves.

We can start by simply asking: How do I feel right now?
Then we check to see: What do I need?
We slow down, ask and listen. We’re curious. Judgement-free.
And we repeat, often.

Oh! I had an angry outburst! (I sit with myself) What’s up, how do I feel?

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