September 17, 2024 • 56 mins
Have you ever faced the heart-wrenching dilemma of ending a friendship? In our latest episode of Carry On Friends, I'm thrilled to welcome the wonderful hosts of the Queens of Social Work podcast, Queen H and Queen P. These remarkable women share their Caribbean roots and how they came together to create a podcast that resonates deeply with their audience. We kick things off with a profound discussion on the complexities of friendship dynamics, exploring why some friendships come to an end and how to handle these breakups with grace and understanding. Queen H and Queen P shed light on the importance of communication and emotional intelligence when navigating these difficult moments.
Life changes can often test the strength of our friendships. From juggling marriage and family to managing personal space, maintaining close connections requires effort and clarity. We dive into the balance needed to sustain meaningful relationships, especially when life takes unexpected turns. Queen H and Queen P offer insights on addressing recurring issues and how to re-evaluate friendships that may no longer serve both parties equally.
In an age where social media blurs the lines between acquaintance and true friend, it's crucial to understand the difference between online interactions and genuine connections. We explore how the term "friend" has evolved and the increased expectations that come with our digital lives. Queen P and Queen H provide valuable advice on setting boundaries and using discernment in our social media interactions. We wrap up with heartfelt reflections on the significance of having a close confidant and the societal pressures of labeling friendships. Join us for this engaging conversation.
Connect with Queen H & Queen P: Website | Instagram
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of
Carry On Friends, the CaribbeanAmerican Experience, and I am
excited because I have twofantabulous guests on the
podcast today.
They are the hosts of theQueens of Social Work podcast.
Welcome, queen H and Queen P.
(00:22):
How are you both?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Doing well.
Thank you so much for having us.
Hello, hello.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
All right, all right.
So why don't you tell thecommunity of friends a little
bit and I'll start with Queen Ha little bit about who you are
Caribbean country you representor Caribbean countries you
represent?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
or Caribbean countries you represent.
Yes, yes, yes.
So I was born here.
However, my parents are fromJamaica and Barbados.
I love it, I love it, love it.
I always like to tell peopleI'm mixed with black and blacker
.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
That's too funny.
What about you, Queen P?
Speaker 3 (01:00):
So I consider myself a worldly character, right?
So I am not going to claim oneparticular place.
I will say I am Caribbeanbecause my ancestors hail from
many places.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Okay, all right, so she represents a multitude of
places as part of the Caribbeanregion, got it?
And so why don't you tell thecommunity a little bit more
about the Queens of Social Workpodcast?
What is that about, and thework you both do as part of the
Queens of Social Work podcast?
And then I'll add my littletake to that.
(01:34):
All right, sure.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Well, the Queens of Social Work podcast was really a
thought that Queen H and I hadas we worked together in very
close quarters, that Queen H andI had, as we worked together in
very close quarters back in thedays, we would sit and laugh.
You know, social workers have areputation for having dark humor
because in the line of workthat we are in we see so many
(01:57):
tragic things, so many traumaticthings, and to kind of get
through that, we use laughter asa coping mechanism.
Actually, and to kind of getthrough that, we use laughter as
a coping mechanism Actually, Ithink it's our preferred method.
So, because we tend to laughand kind of lean on each other
(02:17):
to deal with all of things goingon during the day, we decided
you know what we need a place toreally share our stories, to
laugh, cry, learn, to educate,to support and uplift and, you
know, and help bring the nextgroup of social workers along,
got it, and so, for FullTransparency, community of
Friends, I am the editor oftheir podcast, so I get to learn
a lot about the work that theydo as social workers and get to
(02:41):
listen to some of theconversations they have.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
They're just wrapping seven seasons and so they've
been at it for two years, and soI wanted them to come on the
podcast because, you know, for awhile I got this question.
We did a friends episode and Ithought that they'd be the
perfect guest to come on and donot really a part two, but a
(03:07):
follow up conversations to thetopic of friendship, which is
it's not necessarily a hot topic, it's an ongoing topic because,
from the year was one,friendship was a thing like
before we started recordingculturally.
We're talking about all thesongs Well, I was trying to sing
them off key all the songs inour culture that talk about
(03:29):
friendship, right, I know I'm afriend different from my enemy,
and you know who want an ironballoon and friend up family,
all these good things, right?
So I want to start off with thequestion that an audience
member asked me, and we'll takeit from there, and the question
(03:49):
was how do you know when it'stime to break up or say goodbye
to a friend.
There's a variety of reasons whyyou want to say goodbye to a
friend.
You know it could be.
You've outgrown each other.
There was, you know, somethingthat happened that maybe one
(04:10):
person just can't get past it.
They can't forgive a variety ofreasons.
So when you outgrow or you wantto say goodbye to a friend, is
it an official breakup, likewhen you break up with a
boyfriend?
Is it a quiet breakup, likelet's stop chatting?
How do we get to that?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
So, queen H, I'll start with you the tension or
(04:49):
the disruption in the friendshipand sometimes you can quietly
quit, like the new generation isquietly quitting their job.
That's a new thing.
Or sometimes it is after aconversation or a big blow up
and you're just like, listen,this is it.
I can't be your friend, right?
But I think it just depends onwhat the circumstances are level
of friendship, because I alsothink, like if it's like an
(05:11):
acquaintance or just like aregular friend, because there's
levels to friendship, if it'sthat, then sometimes you could
just quietly quit.
We just don't talk.
You know what I mean.
Like that's it.
We grow apart and that's it.
But I think you know, if you saysomeone is your close friend or
your best friend, I think thereis a conversation that needs to
(05:32):
be had.
That's me personally, likedon't, don't ghost me.
You know what I mean and I'mnot going to ghost you, right?
If we're close friends likethat, because if I say you're my
best friend or you're my closefriend, we should have the
ability to have a conversationand say I don't like when you do
this thing, or you know, Idon't like how I felt when this
(05:55):
happened.
We should be able to have thatconversation.
But you know, we know that somepeople, unfortunately, are not
emotionally intelligent.
You know, we know that somepeople, unfortunately, are not
emotionally intelligent.
Sometimes people don't knowwhat to say.
They don't, you know, for avariety of reasons.
They may not have the courageto say this to the person.
Maybe the person that they wantto engage in this conversation
(06:16):
with may be overbearing, maybe,or not receptive to having the
conversation.
So then that's a whole othertoken.
But I think a best friend or aclose friend, you should at
least have a conversation likehey, you know, this is what's
going on and I don't like this,right.
And then from there, you know,if things do not change or it
(06:38):
just still doesn't feel right,sometimes people then begin to
quietly quit the friendship.
You know.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Queen P.
What are your thoughts on thisoh?
Speaker 3 (06:47):
my I have to say, for somebody who don't carry nobody
right, I don't bring, I don'ttake.
Friendship is hard work to mein my experience.
But I will say that I'vedefinitely done all of the three
.
I've had a friendshipspecifically with a best friend
that we had a breakupconversation right.
There were a lot of things thathad taken place in the
(07:08):
relationship I think that weretraumatic on both ends and we
talked it out and said you knowwhat, let's just go our separate
ways.
And there was no tears.
It was very much of arespectful, mutual understanding
of where we each stood and thatour friendship had run its
course right.
I've had acquaintances or youknow kind of friend-like
(07:28):
relationships where I'm like youknow what, I'm not bringing you
into the next season, boo, solet's drink this Hennessy one
time and go about our businessbecause you can't come.
No, sir, I don't need no baggage, so stay where you're at.
And other people you know otherrelationships I've had.
It's definitely been a quietquitting, like Queen Ace was
talking about.
Like she said, friendship haslevels and each of the levels of
(07:51):
friendships that I've hadthere's been that give and take,
there's been conversations andsome just weren't worth any and
I think, ultimately you know, inyour own judgment and using
your own discernment, you knowwho's worth the conversation and
who's not.
In your own judgment and usingyour own discernment, you know
who's worth the conversation andwho's not.
You know if the relationshiphas enough weight for you or it
doesn't.
Right, sometimes you're insomeone's life because you bring
(08:12):
something of value to them.
They don't necessarily bring itto you Right, and you got to
use your own judgment and howyou want to communicate what the
changes are.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
So you both said really good things and, like
Queen P, I've been in situationswhere it started out like very
okay, listen, rete, te.
And at the end of it it wasprobably a little bit more terse
than how it did start out.
And then for the most partthey're just when you outgrow
(08:44):
friends, it's this quiet,quitting right, it's this
drifting apart, to the pointwhere you don't say something
and you know some people juststop calling or they stop reach
out and me, just stop, do thesame, right.
I'm not going to ask.
I don't think it's in mypersonality to say what happened
, why you don't call me back.
And you know, queen H, you saidit's something about emotional.
(09:10):
It's been my experience thatwhen you have those come to
Jesus conversation about thestatus of the friendship there's
a lot of, is this ingenuous.
You know it feels likesometimes people having that
conversation because they knowthey need to have the
conversation but they stillgoing to walk away the
foolishness.
So I don't want to have thatconversation.
Come and know you're stillgoing to the foolishness.
But since you both are socialworkers and you know, you know
(09:32):
you're licensed to help us thinkright, act right.
You know.
I mean, tell me what, what'sflawed in my approach to this
having the sit down conversationand say listen, it's not
working and maybe some tips tohave those conversations,
because for the most part I seeit from a distance, like Barry's
(09:56):
and Midas, like all right later.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
So, oh, my goodness, oh my goodness.
So you know, I guess in this duocause she talked about, Queen P
talked about not having friendsall the time, but she does have
friends.
Okay, contrary to popularbelief is just, she has very
(10:21):
good boundaries with people andshe decides who's close to her
and who's not.
And I'm not saying that I donot as well, but I tend to have
a little bit more friends, andso I think having a conversation
is important and something thatyou said.
(10:41):
Yes, people should know us, butI also think that we all grow
in chain.
Friendships are relationships.
Just like you have a man or aspouse I don't want to leave
anybody out so your spouse,right.
(11:02):
You have to grow with them aswell, right.
And you're constantlycommunicating about changes,
right, the core of you is thesame, like if you met me and I
was a caring person, you know.
You know I have integrity, youknow those qualities.
That's one thing, but we dochange in relationship because
we are growing as people.
(11:22):
There should always be growthas a person.
So even in our friendships,there are going to be certain
conversations that we will needto have, if we're friends, on
the growth of who we are.
I think what the challenge is,is that when our friend is
growing and we're not allowingthem to grow in different ways,
(11:43):
or our friend is growing andwe're not allowing them to grow
right In different ways, or ourfriend is changing in certain
ways that may not be conduciveto them you know, being a
productive person in society, orjust you know they, their
change is not akin to who theyare, right, they're their
(12:05):
qualities.
And then we have a conversationand they are not accepting that
.
That's another conversation.
You understand, like there aretwo different things going on
here.
Yeah, but I think really, as Isaid before, if we have a
certain level of friendship, weshould be able to have a
conversation.
(12:25):
I'll give you a prime exampleOne of my best friends and P
laughs at this because I tellher I have five or six best
friends- I'm coming back to thatbest friend thing.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Hold on.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
So I have five or six best friends, right and um, but
they're my best friends for acertain reason.
Now am I taking any more bestfriend?
No, I have enough Um, but I dohave really close friends.
Or I have sister friends, sothey would be equivalent of a
best friend, but I just we can'thave no more title.
Okay, you know we just we'reclose, we know that.
(13:04):
I know you have my back.
I love you long time.
We are sisters, that's good.
One of my best friends.
We became best friends in highschool and throughout time, you
know, our, our friendship hasevolved, but we've remained best
friends.
You know she's one of theclosest people to me remain best
(13:24):
friends.
You know, she's one of theclosest people to me.
And the thing is, as we beganto grow and, let's say, she got
married, I was used to at onepoint speaking to her every day,
right, and then it startedgetting a few and far between.
I was like, oh, what'shappening here?
I don't like this.
You know you change it.
You know you change it.
(13:46):
You got a man, you change it.
I one had to check myself, right, because the reality is is that
when someone you know is in arelationship becomes a parent.
Even if they change job, theirlevel of time is going to be
different.
So I have to have theunderstanding that the change
may be because the level of timeis different.
(14:08):
If I'm feeling forgotten, Ineed to say that.
What would I say to my manRight, you busy working, you
ain't paying me no attention.
So I'm going to tell this is mybest friend, so why can't I
tell my best friend that?
So I ended up having aconversation and I was like yo,
(14:29):
you know what's going on.
Why are we talking as much?
You know, I feel like I'm theone calling you more.
What's happening?
The first thing she said youknow what?
Thanks for checking me.
My bad, I apologize.
Some of the reason why you'renot hearing from me from so much
is because you know as much asyou love my husband.
(14:49):
He be ear hustling.
He feel like you, his bestfriend too.
So sometime I know that youwant to tell me something in
private, so I'll try to waittill I'm alone, and then that
alone time sometimes don'thappen, right?
So what I'll do from now on iswe'll talk, but I'll let you
know I have you on speaker oryou know somebody is in the
(15:11):
background.
So you know not to say thisthing, right, and we can still
have our conversation and I sayfair enough, right, and it is
true Right.
Listen, that's my best friend.
Her husband is my bestfriend-in-law, you understand.
That's my guy.
You know what I mean.
(15:31):
But you know he's friendly, hewant to be in the conversation.
There's sometimes he can't bein the conversation.
You understand what I'm sayingBecause I'm chatting.
You know, talking certainthings that's only for her.
You know what I mean.
So I think being able to havethat conversation is important.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
No.
So let me clarify before theaudience thinks that I'm a Madix
right, I'm not crazy.
I'm not out here just choppingand cutting off people.
I used to do that when I was alittle kid.
So I do understand life changesand I have very good friends
that I grew up with and I don'ttalk to them as much as I used
(16:08):
to do 15 years ago, 20 years ago, but we still communicate,
right, we still text, you know,I mean my friends all look at me
and I have no time since I'vebeen doing carry on friends and
all the things right, but we docommunicate.
So life changes, work changes,life changes including marriage.
You know children, you know allthese things like.
(16:30):
We get that and those deserve aconversation, even though how
much conversation they reallyneed, if you observe, say
they're married, they're actingwild, they're young.
I think there's an, at leastfor me.
I'm understanding andempathetic and intuitive enough
to know that this is happeningin their life and I will say a
(16:52):
check like yo, your mark, see ifyou're good.
You know like something likethat.
And then they'd be like yo andyou know like stuff like that.
But I guess the breakups thatI'm thinking of in my head that
deserve a breakup are thosewhere there's an infraction and
something happened and, you know, did you do something today?
(17:15):
I will not say, queen H, whyyou step on my toe.
I'm going to look at you and ifyou don't even realize you step
on my toe, I'm going to let itslide.
But if you keep stepping on mytoe, we're going to have an
issue.
Okay, right, because you know,and some people might say, well,
you should have said something.
It could have been an accident,you know.
(17:35):
But like, if I and Queen H aremy besties but realize that
Minoya me and a friend them withit, and I think those are the
(17:59):
other types of relationships weaddress, when we hold somebody
to a certain level of friendshipand they don't return that
level of friendship, and doesthat make sense to have a
conversation?
No, well, well, all right, youall disagree.
So, queen P, I'm going to letyou jump in and then, queen H,
(18:20):
you can rebut me on.
You should have a conversation,because if me that thinks of me
and you are good, good friend,I'm going to realize that, no,
you have me as cool, but youdon't have me upon a certain
level or esteem.
I don't need to have aconversation, because what I do,
I beg you to upgrade me.
I don't beg you to upgrade me,I don't know.
Queen P, help me out here,because I feel like Queen H over
(18:41):
here, just liberal like yo, youa friend, you a friend, you a
bestie, you a bestie.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Hey, you get a car, you get a car.
No, sir, me tell you something,that is not how queen age roll
at all, definitely more sociable, but now should not bring your
night out, you just don't knowanyhow.
So, listen, I have to say youwere saying earlier about, like,
if we're not close, it feelsdisingenuous to have a
discussion, to kind of go down aparticular road with why you're
(19:07):
not calling me back, why youain't texting me, why, etc.
Etc.
And I completely agree, right,like if we're not in each
other's lives and we tend toconnect.
I think human beings haveenough intuition, right.
Sometimes we don't tap in,right, but you know, if you're
holding a vibe with somebody,you'd be like okay, girl, let's
(19:29):
go to brunch, okay, nah, you wasacting wild, we're not going to
brunch again.
You know, I'm saying like youmake your judgment based on your
interaction with somebody, andI mean you have to be in tune
with who you are, what you cantolerate, what you can't
tolerate, what's a deal breakerfor you in a friendship, in a
relationship, even in thefounding moments of getting to
know somebody, I think at thisparticular point in one's life
(19:52):
you have to use your discernment, as I was saying before, and
you know when someone's worthyour time and when they're not.
Now, for true, if they're notworth your time and you know
y'all not close, cool, even ifthey feel like you might be
closer, then you got to wonderabout their boundaries, right,
because close in general shouldbe a mutual thing.
And again, like I was saying,you know sometimes you're in
(20:14):
someone's life for a reason thatmay not benefit you, right, but
you see how much value you'reable to add to them.
But let me, you know, do a gooddeed then, right, and have this
relationship and bring value tothis person, because we all
need that, everybody needs ahand in life, right, and that's
the truth.
So you might want to do that ornot in life, right, and that's
(20:35):
the truth.
So you might want to do that ornot, but I do definitely think
that it's important that yourecognize what it is that you
are looking for and looking togain when you interact with
somebody, even in those foundingmoments, because people take
the word friendship very, very,um like loosely these days, you
know, you meet somebody on thebus all of a sudden that's your
friend.
Hey, girl, hey, you know people.
Definitely, in this age ofsocial media where everybody is
(20:56):
checking in on your life,commenting on your stuff, you
know boundaries are very fluid.
People are very impersonal.
People just say what they wantto say.
Nobody cares about anybody'sfeelings, people are just out
there and everybody is a friend.
Everybody who like your pictureis a friend.
People want to, you know, notreally be in tune with others,
but more like post for likes andput things on social media and
(21:18):
throw phrases and write subs andit's just like there's that
communication with an individualis kind of missing, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
I do want to clarify.
I don't mean havingconversation with people that is
not close to you, right, ifsomeone has an infraction and
they're close to you, I do thinkit warrants a conversation,
depending on the infraction.
If you're sleeping with my man,no, there's no conversation.
So that is something different.
But I think that if you'reclose, there is.
(21:49):
There are people that let's saythere's an infraction, somebody
you maybe just, like you said,gone out with, and they just do
a little too much.
When you go out and you're likethat's not my speed, yes, just
leave them, there's noconversation, just quietly
disappear, right.
But I do think if you say, ifwe are friends and we say we're
(22:12):
close friends, or even if, forinstance, I see you as a close
friend and I recognize you don'tsee me as a close friend,
there's some behavior.
I may say something.
It just depends, right.
Because I do agree, there aretimes in that situation that you
see, oh, I'm calling up thisperson or I'm doing this for
this person, and they're notreceptive, they're not being the
(22:35):
same kind of friend to me.
I may just say, okay, well,I'll stop, I'll just stop being
their friend because I don'thave time to waste.
I just think it depends on whatit is.
Sometimes it might be like hey,listen, let me tell you
something.
I see I'm doing this, I'm doingthat and you're not really
responding in the way that Ifeel, or you're not seeing me in
(22:57):
the way that I see you.
So check this, let me carrymyself on, right.
You go about your business andI go about my business, and it's
okay.
No hard feelings.
We're just not that kind offriend.
It's just simple as that, right?
I just think it depends, right.
I mean, I've ended friends offthe principle of things, right,
(23:20):
and they ain't even did nothingto me.
They did something to my otherfriend, Because my thing is, if
you did this thing to them,uh-uh, I'm not giving you the
time and space to do it to me,right?
So I think it just it depends.
You have to trust.
Just like P said, we are bornwith the intuition.
We know how something feels,right.
Sometimes you do need to talkit out a little bit with
(23:43):
somebody, because sometimes weget wrapped up in temporary
feelings, right?
Temporary feelings that makepermanent decisions based off of
those things.
Sometimes we do have toreevaluate that right, but when
we realize that that is not atemporary feeling like no, this
is what's really happening.
You have to decide what you'regoing to do.
Do you want to have thatconversation or just cut them
(24:05):
off?
Goodbye, you're done.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Yes, all right.
So I'm going to wrap thatsegment up with a little recap.
So, when it comes to leaving afriend behind or breaking up,
it's up to each person, right?
It depends on you.
If you're one, that who lovesto talk, go ahead and run and
have that conversation.
If you feel like you know whatI'm going to, just let it slide.
That's up to you to use thatdiscernment based on the level
(24:33):
of closeness you have with thisperson.
If something happened, aninfraction happened, the
severity of the infraction isgoing to determine the level of
communication that you arehaving.
And then, if there's a mismatchin how you see the person as a
friend and the person don't seeyou the same way and let's be
(24:56):
honest, sometimes we are thevillain in somebody's story, so
maybe they're the ones who arelike I'm being all of this for
you and you're not being that.
Yes, sometimes that happens.
So it really depends on what itis.
Using your intuition and Ithink to Queen H's point before
you make a permanent decision,get someone who's neutral to the
(25:21):
situation, sound it out withthem and then get some sound
advice before you make apermanent decision on the
friendship and what to do withthe friendship.
So it's okay to leave friendsbehind.
It's a natural part of life.
You outgrow how you deal withthat and I think Queen P doesn't
say this, but I feel likequietly on mute, you'd be like
(25:44):
real G's walk in silence becauseshe's done it too soon.
That's exactly it, I've editedtheir podcast enough to know
their different personalities,and I feel like that's what she
would say.
So, um, I don't remember whichone of you said it, but do you
feel like, in this age of socialmedia, that we have been using
(26:11):
the term friends very looselyand have expectations of people
that without the technology itwouldn't even equate to a
friendship, it would be like anacquaintance or something?
Do you feel like, in the age ofsocial media, we've become
(26:31):
looser in our definition offriendship but our expectations
are even higher because of that?
And tell me, what have you beenseeing or observing in the
space?
Queen P, I'll start with you.
Man, queen H at a chat box, sowe'll get you in here.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I was actually the one bringing up social media and
how people's expectations havechanged.
I think that expectations haveheightened significantly because
we can see everything.
Right.
People are checking in.
When they go to a particularplace, how you know the killer
ain't searching for you.
Why are you checking in at TacoBell?
Take off your notifications andyour stuff Like this is the
problem.
People are checking in, they'retagging in, they're posting
(27:09):
people.
They're tagging people.
They want to share every singlepart of their lives and their
expectation is I'm sharing allof this with the world.
I'm sharing all of this for you, people I care about.
So you must comment a millioncomments.
You must like all of my photos.
You must respond with greatfeedback Because people are not
(27:31):
posting for themselves.
That's not been my experience,right?
People are tagging folks andstuff.
You're posting what?
For yourself?
Because you were there, youtook the picture, you know, you
had the experience and you'rebringing all these people in on
your experience and, of course,when you do that, you're opening
the door for all kinds offeedback, all sorts of things,
and you never know after youpost something on the internet
(27:52):
what kind of feedback you canget.
Right, that's the purpose oftrolls to break you down, to
humiliate you, to embarrass you,to talk crazy and wild, and you
know, to expose whatever it isyou have going on.
So you got to know that whenyou open the door, you're the
one opening that door and youhave to be able to handle and
manage whatever comes through it.
Right, and I'm not saying thatall social media is the devil,
(28:15):
but I am saying that, withinreason, you have to decide how
okay you are with beingvulnerable in that space.
It's courageous, for sure,right, and there are things that
are very touching and veryemotional to see, and all of
that, and you can definitelygarner support right From the
right followers.
You know if things arehappening, um, but it's
(28:37):
important that you just um, useyour discernment as you post, um
, and you know, think about whatyou're posting, for you know.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
I think that's one element of it, right, where
there's an expectation like oh,you're supposed to like my
picture or comment under mypicture, and all of that.
But I also feel like I don'teven know, because this is much
more layered.
I realized that I'm not reallya friend because I'm not in none
(29:05):
of these pictures You're onsome flex and I'm not in it,
like I thought aren't we friends?
Like why wasn't invited, right?
So there's that level of that.
Right, you're not part of thecrew and you thought you were a
part of the crew, and thatbreeds bacchanal, as Queen P
(29:25):
would say.
Right, queen H, what are someother things you are observing
when it comes to social mediaand friendships and
interpretations?
Now are friendships andexpectations.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Listen, people crazy and we social workers and we
don't like that word.
You know that's not a clinicalword, but when I say crazy I
just mean like people are wild,like, um, people feel because
you're on social media, you maypost something, that they know
you and that they can saywhatever and do whatever.
(29:59):
Um, I don't know if youremember um or if you saw this
that there was a social mediainfluencer and she cooks.
She's a Jamaican woman, she'smarried to a Haitian man.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
No, she was just on the show.
So Helena was just on the showand I asked her about that.
That nurse can cook, yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
So I didn't know if I can mention that her name, but
yes, yes, and I follow her.
And she had this situationwhere, you know, she was talking
about going to the Beyonceconcert and someone just came up
to her like, oh, I thought youwere a Christian woman, or
whatever they said, and so shehad to make a post.
Listen, let me tell yousomething.
She's better than me.
(30:38):
Don't run up on me, you'regoing to have a problem.
Okay, people feel that theyknow you and so they're going to
chat to you a certain way, talkto you a certain way.
Yes, you know you can post whatyou want on social media, and I
think you have to have somediscernment, Right, and I and I
(30:58):
agree with P on that there arethings that I do post, like, for
instance, I'll post on mystories.
You get the 24 hours and it'sgone.
You know, I know that if I putthat there, I expect responses.
My expectation is not that yourespond, but that some people
will respond.
Do you understand what I'msaying?
(31:18):
You don't have to respond.
I'm okay if you don't, right,if you don't see, I'm posting
for me and for whateverintention I have, but it's not.
I don't care how many likes, Idon't care if someone responds
or not.
Mine is also private.
I'm also, you know, verycareful about who I save on my
(31:43):
you know social media, mypersonal social media, and I
mean the same thing goes for youIf you think about podcasting.
We're here talking, right?
So there are going to be peoplewho really enjoy speaking with
us.
Right, for us, on this platform,we decided that we're not very
(32:09):
personal in what we speak about.
Right?
People feel that they will knowyou and they have a certain
connection to you that they maybe able to say or do whatever
they want.
Right?
They'll be able to Google whereyou work, what you do, and they
just don't have any boundaries.
So, for us, this is a boundary.
We do love to talk, we want toteach the next generation, we
(32:30):
want to participate in thissphere, but this is the way that
we're going to participate.
Right One, because we have jobs,we have generation.
We want to participate in thissphere, but this is the way that
we're going to participate.
Right One, because we have jobs.
We have jobs, we have certainlives, and so we decide to
protect who we are becausepeople have no boundaries.
Mental health is serious, right?
People stop.
There's a lot of differentthings and people expect certain
(32:51):
things from you, thinking that,oh, we're friends because on
social media we have banter.
Social media we have banter,that's it.
If we don't hang out, if Idon't call you on the phone,
we're not friends.
Me, no business.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Can I just add a piece?
You know when this friendsbusiness started back in my
space or whatsoever, you know,when Facebook got together,
everybody you had to add afriend right.
Even now, I think, when you addpeople, it's called add friend,
and I think, because they usethe word friend instead of the
word associate, people reallystarted to get on board with
(33:28):
this You're a friend, you're afriend, we're friends on
Facebook.
We're a friend, you're a friend, you know.
And so the idea of having afriend, the idea of having
someone close to you, you'resharing pictures, you're sharing
each other's lives, becausepeople fill their social media
with a lot of personal stuff,right, I think that's how we got
to this place, where everybodyexpects something from everybody
else and relationships arefraught with conflict because
(33:52):
why you didn't post me?
I was in the pic.
Why you didn't tag me Right andlike you were saying, queen H,
I post for my own intentions,okay, I don't care what y'all
have going on, mine on abusiness, thanks.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
So wrapping up this point before I go to the other
point.
So with social media comes alooser interpretation or meaning
of friends.
Just because of the mechanicsof how it works, you have to add
someone as a friend, right, andthat was intentional.
They didn't want to say add afollower, because no one wants
to be a follower, but whatever.
(34:26):
So they said a friend.
And because of that,psychologically we've begun to
assume that okay, carry onfriends.
And at the Queen of Social Workpodcast we're friends on
Instagram and that you have somesort of relationship with and
(34:55):
they feel excluded becausethey've gone on your social
media and noticed that theyaren't part of the friend group,
for lack of a better word,right, the incident with Elena
and that nurse can cook, that'sa, that's a very extreme
situation and she handled thatand I even asked her if that
(35:15):
would make her change and youknow she said that.
You know she thought about itand she said if she changed they
would win and she's like youknow it's part of the space.
You have to expect that somepeople are going to love you and
then some people are going tobe on the extreme right.
(35:39):
But there's an observation withsocial media that, oh, queen H
of a party and didn't invite me,type thing.
You know, because I it untilafter the fact, people are
seeing real time that theyaren't included in whatever it
is because you know hashtag, youknow we be 40, you know, you
(36:03):
know, whatever it is.
So there's that level of that.
Queen H, you want to saysomething?
Speaker 2 (36:16):
something, yeah, so just on that point, right, I've
had to have this conversationwith clients before right, and
it goes back to what we startedwith.
There are levels to friendship.
You will not be in every circle.
As human beings, I think it'squite natural to want to belong,
even the people that say theydon't want to belong.
You want to have some kind ofbelonging.
I don't care what anyone says,right, it is natural to want to
(36:39):
belong.
The issue is are you grounded inyourself to know that I do not
have to be everybody's friend, Ido not have to be every place?
You understand what I mean, andI think social media tests that
for many people, because if, oh, they had this party and I
wasn't invited, oh, okay.
(37:00):
I think it's okay to feel saltyfor the second because you
thought you were better friendsor you thought you could be a
part of this, but then you moveon.
Okay, that was for them, that'sit.
You move on.
You cannot be everything foreveryone, right?
And the moment that you acceptthat a lot of that doesn't
(37:20):
bother you.
I do agree that because back inthe day you didn't have the
social media, you wouldn't knowthat the person had it.
You still felt salty when youlearned about it after.
So that don't change thefeeling.
I think it is very apparent.
This is happening right now,whether it's back in the day or
(37:46):
now.
You have to be okay.
I'm not going to be everywhere,and that is okay.
And the other thing is I doagree with P when she's talking
about when you add people onsocial media.
Is this friends thing the onlyone that I've seen that don't
say, oh, add a friend, a blahblah, blah, blah blah is
LinkedIn.
Linkedin said do you want toadd this connection?
I think that's a better thing.
They should change it toconnection, because we're not
(38:07):
friends.
We're not friends.
If I choose to follow your pageor you follow, we may not be
friends.
We are following each other.
So if you don't like the wordfollow, do you want to add this
connection?
Right, because that's what itis and can a friendship form
from that?
It is.
But if you are not talking tothe person outside of the app,
(38:30):
you're not friends.
You are not friends and youhave to have a reality check.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
You know, to add a level.
I think what we then see is thestreet brawl on the internet,
which is the chore word, youknow, subliminals, right, you
start to true award for peopleand I'm just like I'm not with
this subliminal.
If you talk to me, talk to mewith your chest, you know, and
talk to me offline, one-on-one.
(38:59):
Don't bring the whole communityinto this, right, and I think
we see that play out a lot.
People are hurt and in theirfeelings and because everyone
has a platform in their pockets,they go out and they've made a
(39:20):
small situation blow up biggerbecause you're airing your
feelings out loud.
Once that come out the can, youcan't put it back in a box.
So social media has definitelychanged.
There are some people throughthe podcast that I've met and
I've become close enough to them.
(39:40):
We email and it's like thatwasn't immediate, that was over
time.
They would be like you know, hi, I love the episode, thank you,
you know, like small touches,and I think there's aspects of
my audience that kind of have asimilar personality or thought
process.
Where it's, it still requirestime to to build a relationship.
(40:04):
So so we we we've talked aboutleaving a friend behind.
We probably should have talkedabout social media, because that
could be a reason why you wantto leave a friend behind,
because that seems to be thebiggest reason.
But I want to go back to athird point in this conversation
about friends that you broughtup right.
(40:26):
Everybody have a BFF.
Do we all need BFFs?
I have good friends fromthey're still my good friends
and we pray and we do all thisbecause my enemy used to go to
church, but I don't know if Iwould call them my BFFs, so I'm
going to go to Queen P on this.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
You know what I was thinking long and hard about
this one A part of me feels likeyou do need someone who's as
close as close can be to you,right?
It doesn't matter if you callhim a best friend or bestest
friend or close friend or goodfriend association.
I'm not into labels, right?
I'm very liberal, so I'm notinto labels.
(41:05):
Matters me not into labels,right, I'm very liberal, so I'm
not into labels, matters me not.
But I do think that you needsomeone close to you that you
can show up with bare face, notnose, no shoes, no makeup,
because life be lifin' andsometimes things hit the fan
that nobody is prepared for andyou need a person who you can go
to.
Right?
Sometimes it's not the personyou met in kindergarten.
(41:27):
Sometimes it's not the personyou met in college.
Sometimes it's your husband,your wife, your partner, right,
if there's no gender.
Sometimes it's just a soul thatyou connect with and even
though life may pass its timeand you may not see the person
in 30 odd years, you pick up thephone.
That person is there, right.
For me, that's friendship.
(41:47):
The people who I consider myfriends know I'm not calling
their ass.
Y'all know I'm not going tocall right.
Y'all know I'm not going towrite, I'm not going to text,
but you know that I'm alwayshere.
I will drop what I'm doing.
We getting on a plane, what'shappening?
I'm down to ride.
The people who know me knowthat.
Call P, because she got theting, the ting, ting, ting, she
(42:10):
ready, okay.
So I will say that, um, youabsolutely need someone close to
you in your life.
It is a blessing and an honorto have that and to be that for
somebody.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
So, contrary to popular belief, I do not think
that you have to have a bestfriend, um, but, but I do think
you know, like Pete said, youhave to have someone that's
close to you, and I think thereason is that you know you have
to be able to express yourselfwith someone and feel that you
can trust.
I think we see people who havedisruption in relationships,
(42:42):
difficulty in formingrelationships, and we see the
discord that it causes in theirlife, and I think you know,
whatever you decide to label it,that's up to you, right, and I
do agree.
A spouse can be a best friend,a parent, a sibling, cousin.
Some people don't have outsidefriends, they only have family
(43:04):
and that's their best, but it'swho you determine, that you feel
that you can trust, that whenthe chips are down, you can call
.
When things are going well andyou celebrate that you can call.
That will be happy for you, asif it was them right.
You want someone who's there inthe good and in the bad, both
(43:24):
right, and so relationships arenecessary.
Relationships are work, and soif your best friend or whoever
you say you're closest to,that's work, and sometimes it
comes easy, and I agree it maynot be the person you grew up
with, because trick bag, thosepeople may not allow you to grow
(43:47):
into who you are, because theyknown you since you were younger
, and so it may be somebody youmet two, three years ago and
that is your soulmate, right,and so it's up to you.
But it's important to formcertain relationships because
you do need to support.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
We're not here by ourselves relationships Because
you do, you need to support,we're not here by ourselves.
You know, I think, witheverything it's socialized about
the labels and the titles right, like oh, so-and-so BFF, and we
see it in pop culture, we seeit in Hollywood, on TV, you know
(44:27):
whatever gossip sites and youfeel like you need to have a BFF
the way it's mirrored in mediaand that's not necessarily the
case.
So, yes, you can have good,good friends, friends that you
know I've had, friends that I'veknown for donkey years now,
long, long time.
And those relationships, yes, Iactually they allow me to grow.
As a matter of fact, they willtap me on the shoulder and be
(44:49):
like I'm not seeing you showingup the way I know you can show
up right, because they know meright.
But it's this idea of putting atitle, bff goals, that type of
thing that you know and we haveto be careful not to get into
(45:10):
this performance of what otherpeople say.
Best friendship should look likeright, because if, if it should
look like what's on TV, queen Pdon't got no best friend or
nobody creepy, be like over here, just like picking out our name
(45:34):
like I'm good, why you not good?
You know I'm good like.
But again it goes back to thevery beginning understanding,
being intuitive, like listeningto that gut, like discernment,
you like knowing a person, theirpersonality, and knowing that
you know it's not going to be,you know, vivacious like Queen H
, it's not going to be Chetaboxlike Carrie Ann, it's not going
(45:57):
to be super quiet like Queen P.
You are going to find yourpocket and whoever you're
friends with, they will adjustand they will know.
Oh, that's just just so.
She's there, she good.
Right.
And to kind of wrap up thisconversation on friendship, I
want to ask you both asclinicians, putting on your
(46:17):
clinician hat, like what do yousee people do that you wish they
didn't do this and wouldpractice healthier habits for
the sake of themselves first andthen their friendships?
Because one of the things thatI feel like people do maybe some
people aren't good atprioritizing themselves over
(46:38):
friendships and some people arethe opposite.
Right, like me, first me, nobusiness about this friendship.
So maybe a balance, likewhatever you're seeing in the
space, but your thoughts on likehealthier behavior for
relationships, for yourself andyour friendships.
Speaker 3 (46:57):
I have to say and you just hit the nail on the head,
because that's what came up forme at first when you said it
what came up when you said theword balance is exactly it,
right, and we need balance inour relationships in general,
because in our society andculture, we tend to prioritize
work, we tend to prioritizegetting the bag, making money
(47:19):
over time, and so that leaveslittle time for you, it leaves
little time for rest, it leaveslittle time for your family
worse, your friends, right.
So I want to see people stepaway a little bit if they can.
Right, just giving themselves amoment to process what they've
experienced and to come back toit when they need to come back
(47:40):
to it.
We don't allow ourselves amoment.
Right, it's like you're chokingand you're still going for more
food.
Right, like, give yourself abreak.
Give yourself a break.
Honor that, because your bodyis telling you we need a moment.
Right.
So I want to see people havemore balance in their life in
general.
I want to see people prioritizethose who love them.
(48:01):
Right, like your friends, thosewho want to be there, who want
to support you.
Show up for them.
Right, prioritize that.
Some people are takers and somepeople are givers and there's
got to be a sweet spot betweenthe two, and I also want to see
people do more of creatingboundaries and having
conversations, like Queen H said.
(48:22):
Queen H started this out likeno, you need to talk to people
and let them know what time itis, and I'm like, nah, it ain't
no conversation because we good,you know what it is.
You just, peeps, use your twoeye and you know what it is.
You know what I mean.
But I do think in practice, insession and people who are
seeking services and people whoare all of us actually need to
(48:44):
just open our eyes, have aconversation.
And even if that conversationlooks like I don't have the
capacity today, let me call youback.
Let me get back to this Even ifthat conversation looks like
creating a boundary or it mayfeel like a rejection to the
person you're giving it, tohonor that too.
Acknowledge how they feel.
(49:04):
Sis, I don't want you to feelbad, that my intention is not to
make you feel no type of way,but this is where I'm at and I
can't really.
You know you took back yourbaby father again.
Okay, listen, let me just giveme two minutes to fry up this
fried chicken and do this riceand peas real quick and let me
do a cold slaw on the side andI'll call you back in an hour
(49:24):
and a half with my cocktails andwe could talk.
You know what I'm saying.
So it looks all kind of way,but you know, I have to give my
example and bring it to the needfor boundaries, the need for
communication, the need forbalance, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
First of all, y'all don't know, queen P can throw
down Okay, the food good, okay.
That's why she talked about thefood, because she know she a
(50:02):
chef, she chef boy ID over thereshe is chefing it up, he is
correcting the boundaries andall of that.
As much as I am a little bitmore social, I'm with it with
the boundaries.
You cannot, just because youmet somebody and you guys are
hitting it off, bury your.
(50:24):
I think you, you have to letpeople earn your friendship, and
that sounds rough but it's notright.
What level of friendship canthey uh uh uh rise to in your
life and you also in their life?
You cannot give them everythingall at once and then not seeing
(50:47):
what type of person they are.
Right, I think you just have totake it slow and really see
where people's priorities are.
I think because everything isso fast paced, everything is so
quick.
You know you have Instagram,you have TikTok, everything is
social media is just exposing somany things.
You know, I think people movetoo fast in relationships.
(51:09):
Take it slow, take it slow.
That doesn't mean that youcan't hit it off with people.
There are some people you dohit it off with and you see
automatically they're a greatperson and all of that.
But I still think it'sdiscernment and trusting your
gut.
You and your gut knows whatfeels right and what feels wrong
.
The problem is we don't listento it.
(51:30):
We don't listen to the personinside.
And if you have not been ableto listen to that person,
figuring out ways to learn howto listen to that voice, right,
because we know that if peopleexperience certain things in
their life trauma, whatever itmay be there may be a little off
in their assessment of people.
(51:52):
But you know, that's whattherapy is for, that is what
spiritual, you know, connectionis for.
All of those things will teachyou it.
But discernment to me is thekey factor and I would say that,
continuously, people have toearn your friendship.
You donment to me is the keyfactor and I will say that
continuously, people have toearn your friendship.
You don't just give it away forfree.
Speaker 1 (52:12):
I agree, and, as with anything, you earn it, you have
to evaluate it where it is andchecking on it constantly.
We got this job and everycouple of months they check to
see how we're performing andthey assess right, and I think
(52:35):
that's the overarching thingthat I'm getting from this.
But we know when it's time fora breakup or to leave a friend
behind, because there isfrequent assessment and checking
the health of the friendshipand the relationship, and so we
have a pulse of where this isand when we don't do that and
(52:57):
then something just happens.
I'm with Queen P.
It's almost like we know whattime it is.
We don't need to have, you know, kumbaya over this.
It is what it is right, it'swith us.
You know, ex, but audience, Idon't want you to think that we
are taking this lightly.
(53:22):
Longest relationships in life,right, even outside your spouse,
right, you have theserelationships and these
relationships can be just asemotional, even more, than a
spouse, right, because this ispure emotion.
There's no physical, nothing.
It's.
There's an emotional bond andconnection, and some people may
(53:44):
not want that level ofbondedness and connection, and
and and.
Some people may not want thatlevel of bondedness and
connection, and and and somepeople might not even realize
it's that to that level and takeit seriously.
But we all have to do our part,especially as we get older.
You know making friends asadult different, you know, you
know it's so and adjustingfriendships as adults is
(54:05):
different.
Right, we left high school, buthigh school still.
I go on.
So you know a lot of thesethings are harder because no one
has a conversation about this.
We were never told.
We assume that everything'sgoing to be good, all right.
So I really enjoy having Queen Pand Queen H on the podcast to
talk about this aspect offriendship how to have these
(54:28):
difficult conversation.
If you choose not to have thesedifficult conversation, that's
up to you.
We can't force you and tell youwhat to have.
There are some best practices,but you're making a decision
based on who the other person isand you are developing your
discernment, your intuition, andthat will take time.
(54:49):
And so start listening to thevoice.
The voice I said me did nuwe,no, me did nuwe.
Is that voice?
Queen Pia, queen H talkingabout that me did nuwe voice?
And so, as we wrap up, I wantyou to go listen to the Queen of
Social Work podcast.
You don't have to be a socialworker to listen to the podcast.
I think that the topics aregreat topics for you.
(55:12):
To listen to them over onInstagram too.
You know you're still not goingto see them fierce, but they're
over there, right, the Queensof Social Work podcast, and this
is the boundary that they'vecreated.
And even though you don't seetheir faces, the personalities
that you're getting are who theytruly are when the camera's off
(55:32):
and the mic turn off andeverything, and I think that is
a valuable aspect in a worldwhere everybody does a put them
business on Broad Street.
So any final words before welock off the party Queen P and
Queen H.
Speaker 3 (55:47):
This was so great.
I had such a great time withour friends over here at Carry
On Friends.
Thank you for inviting us.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
You're welcome.
Yes, yes, no, this is a goodtime and thank you for having us
on here.
Thank you for all that you do.
You're awesome and please'alllisten, listen to this podcast,
listen to us and support theting.
No, yeah.
Speaker 1 (56:15):
Yes, All right, and so until next time.
As I love to say at the end ofevery episode walk good.
Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of
Carry On Friends, the CaribbeanAmerican Experience, and I am
excited because I have twofantabulous guests on the
podcast today.
They are the hosts of theQueens of Social Work podcast.
Welcome, queen H and Queen P.
(00:22):
How are you both?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Doing well.
Thank you so much for having us.
Hello, hello.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
All right, all right.
So why don't you tell thecommunity of friends a little
bit and I'll start with Queen Ha little bit about who you are
Caribbean country you representor Caribbean countries you
represent?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
or Caribbean countries you represent.
Yes, yes, yes.
So I was born here.
However, my parents are fromJamaica and Barbados.
I love it, I love it, love it.
I always like to tell peopleI'm mixed with black and blacker
.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
That's too funny.
What about you, Queen P?
Speaker 3 (01:00):
So I consider myself a worldly character, right?
So I am not going to claim oneparticular place.
I will say I am Caribbeanbecause my ancestors hail from
many places.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Okay, all right, so she represents a multitude of
places as part of the Caribbeanregion, got it?
And so why don't you tell thecommunity a little bit more
about the Queens of Social Workpodcast?
What is that about, and thework you both do as part of the
Queens of Social Work podcast?
And then I'll add my littletake to that.
(01:34):
All right, sure.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Well, the Queens of Social Work podcast was really a
thought that Queen H and I hadas we worked together in very
close quarters, that Queen H andI had, as we worked together in
very close quarters back in thedays, we would sit and laugh.
You know, social workers have areputation for having dark humor
because in the line of workthat we are in we see so many
(01:57):
tragic things, so many traumaticthings, and to kind of get
through that, we use laughter asa coping mechanism.
Actually, and to kind of getthrough that, we use laughter as
a coping mechanism Actually, Ithink it's our preferred method.
So, because we tend to laughand kind of lean on each other
(02:17):
to deal with all of things goingon during the day, we decided
you know what we need a place toreally share our stories, to
laugh, cry, learn, to educate,to support and uplift and, you
know, and help bring the nextgroup of social workers along,
got it, and so, for FullTransparency, community of
Friends, I am the editor oftheir podcast, so I get to learn
a lot about the work that theydo as social workers and get to
(02:41):
listen to some of theconversations they have.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
They're just wrapping seven seasons and so they've
been at it for two years, and soI wanted them to come on the
podcast because, you know, for awhile I got this question.
We did a friends episode and Ithought that they'd be the
perfect guest to come on and donot really a part two, but a
(03:07):
follow up conversations to thetopic of friendship, which is
it's not necessarily a hot topic, it's an ongoing topic because,
from the year was one,friendship was a thing like
before we started recordingculturally.
We're talking about all thesongs Well, I was trying to sing
them off key all the songs inour culture that talk about
(03:29):
friendship, right, I know I'm afriend different from my enemy,
and you know who want an ironballoon and friend up family,
all these good things, right?
So I want to start off with thequestion that an audience
member asked me, and we'll takeit from there, and the question
(03:49):
was how do you know when it'stime to break up or say goodbye
to a friend.
There's a variety of reasons whyyou want to say goodbye to a
friend.
You know it could be.
You've outgrown each other.
There was, you know, somethingthat happened that maybe one
(04:10):
person just can't get past it.
They can't forgive a variety ofreasons.
So when you outgrow or you wantto say goodbye to a friend, is
it an official breakup, likewhen you break up with a
boyfriend?
Is it a quiet breakup, likelet's stop chatting?
How do we get to that?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
So, queen H, I'll start with you the tension or
(04:49):
the disruption in the friendshipand sometimes you can quietly
quit, like the new generation isquietly quitting their job.
That's a new thing.
Or sometimes it is after aconversation or a big blow up
and you're just like, listen,this is it.
I can't be your friend, right?
But I think it just depends onwhat the circumstances are level
of friendship, because I alsothink, like if it's like an
(05:11):
acquaintance or just like aregular friend, because there's
levels to friendship, if it'sthat, then sometimes you could
just quietly quit.
We just don't talk.
You know what I mean.
Like that's it.
We grow apart and that's it.
But I think you know, if you saysomeone is your close friend or
your best friend, I think thereis a conversation that needs to
(05:32):
be had.
That's me personally, likedon't, don't ghost me.
You know what I mean and I'mnot going to ghost you, right?
If we're close friends likethat, because if I say you're my
best friend or you're my closefriend, we should have the
ability to have a conversationand say I don't like when you do
this thing, or you know, Idon't like how I felt when this
(05:55):
happened.
We should be able to have thatconversation.
But you know, we know that somepeople, unfortunately, are not
emotionally intelligent.
You know, we know that somepeople, unfortunately, are not
emotionally intelligent.
Sometimes people don't knowwhat to say.
They don't, you know, for avariety of reasons.
They may not have the courageto say this to the person.
Maybe the person that they wantto engage in this conversation
(06:16):
with may be overbearing, maybe,or not receptive to having the
conversation.
So then that's a whole othertoken.
But I think a best friend or aclose friend, you should at
least have a conversation likehey, you know, this is what's
going on and I don't like this,right.
And then from there, you know,if things do not change or it
(06:38):
just still doesn't feel right,sometimes people then begin to
quietly quit the friendship.
You know.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Queen P.
What are your thoughts on thisoh?
Speaker 3 (06:47):
my I have to say, for somebody who don't carry nobody
right, I don't bring, I don'ttake.
Friendship is hard work to mein my experience.
But I will say that I'vedefinitely done all of the three
.
I've had a friendshipspecifically with a best friend
that we had a breakupconversation right.
There were a lot of things thathad taken place in the
(07:08):
relationship I think that weretraumatic on both ends and we
talked it out and said you knowwhat, let's just go our separate
ways.
And there was no tears.
It was very much of arespectful, mutual understanding
of where we each stood and thatour friendship had run its
course right.
I've had acquaintances or youknow kind of friend-like
(07:28):
relationships where I'm like youknow what, I'm not bringing you
into the next season, boo, solet's drink this Hennessy one
time and go about our businessbecause you can't come.
No, sir, I don't need no baggage, so stay where you're at.
And other people you know otherrelationships I've had.
It's definitely been a quietquitting, like Queen Ace was
talking about.
Like she said, friendship haslevels and each of the levels of
(07:51):
friendships that I've hadthere's been that give and take,
there's been conversations andsome just weren't worth any and
I think, ultimately you know, inyour own judgment and using
your own discernment, you knowwho's worth the conversation and
who's not.
In your own judgment and usingyour own discernment, you know
who's worth the conversation andwho's not.
You know if the relationshiphas enough weight for you or it
doesn't.
Right, sometimes you're insomeone's life because you bring
(08:12):
something of value to them.
They don't necessarily bring itto you Right, and you got to
use your own judgment and howyou want to communicate what the
changes are.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
So you both said really good things and, like
Queen P, I've been in situationswhere it started out like very
okay, listen, rete, te.
And at the end of it it wasprobably a little bit more terse
than how it did start out.
And then for the most partthey're just when you outgrow
(08:44):
friends, it's this quiet,quitting right, it's this
drifting apart, to the pointwhere you don't say something
and you know some people juststop calling or they stop reach
out and me, just stop, do thesame, right.
I'm not going to ask.
I don't think it's in mypersonality to say what happened
, why you don't call me back.
And you know, queen H, you saidit's something about emotional.
(09:10):
It's been my experience thatwhen you have those come to
Jesus conversation about thestatus of the friendship there's
a lot of, is this ingenuous.
You know it feels likesometimes people having that
conversation because they knowthey need to have the
conversation but they stillgoing to walk away the
foolishness.
So I don't want to have thatconversation.
Come and know you're stillgoing to the foolishness.
But since you both are socialworkers and you know, you know
(09:32):
you're licensed to help us thinkright, act right.
You know.
I mean, tell me what, what'sflawed in my approach to this
having the sit down conversationand say listen, it's not
working and maybe some tips tohave those conversations,
because for the most part I seeit from a distance, like Barry's
(09:56):
and Midas, like all right later.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
So, oh, my goodness, oh my goodness.
So you know, I guess in this duocause she talked about, Queen P
talked about not having friendsall the time, but she does have
friends.
Okay, contrary to popularbelief is just, she has very
(10:21):
good boundaries with people andshe decides who's close to her
and who's not.
And I'm not saying that I donot as well, but I tend to have
a little bit more friends, andso I think having a conversation
is important and something thatyou said.
(10:41):
Yes, people should know us, butI also think that we all grow
in chain.
Friendships are relationships.
Just like you have a man or aspouse I don't want to leave
anybody out so your spouse,right.
(11:02):
You have to grow with them aswell, right.
And you're constantlycommunicating about changes,
right, the core of you is thesame, like if you met me and I
was a caring person, you know.
You know I have integrity, youknow those qualities.
That's one thing, but we dochange in relationship because
we are growing as people.
(11:22):
There should always be growthas a person.
So even in our friendships,there are going to be certain
conversations that we will needto have, if we're friends, on
the growth of who we are.
I think what the challenge is,is that when our friend is
growing and we're not allowingthem to grow in different ways,
(11:43):
or our friend is growing andwe're not allowing them to grow
right In different ways, or ourfriend is changing in certain
ways that may not be conduciveto them you know, being a
productive person in society, orjust you know they, their
change is not akin to who theyare, right, they're their
(12:05):
qualities.
And then we have a conversationand they are not accepting that
.
That's another conversation.
You understand, like there aretwo different things going on
here.
Yeah, but I think really, as Isaid before, if we have a
certain level of friendship, weshould be able to have a
conversation.
(12:25):
I'll give you a prime exampleOne of my best friends and P
laughs at this because I tellher I have five or six best
friends- I'm coming back to thatbest friend thing.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Hold on.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
So I have five or six best friends, right and um, but
they're my best friends for acertain reason.
Now am I taking any more bestfriend?
No, I have enough Um, but I dohave really close friends.
Or I have sister friends, sothey would be equivalent of a
best friend, but I just we can'thave no more title.
Okay, you know we just we'reclose, we know that.
(13:04):
I know you have my back.
I love you long time.
We are sisters, that's good.
One of my best friends.
We became best friends in highschool and throughout time, you
know, our, our friendship hasevolved, but we've remained best
friends.
You know she's one of theclosest people to me remain best
(13:24):
friends.
You know, she's one of theclosest people to me.
And the thing is, as we beganto grow and, let's say, she got
married, I was used to at onepoint speaking to her every day,
right, and then it startedgetting a few and far between.
I was like, oh, what'shappening here?
I don't like this.
You know you change it.
You know you change it.
(13:46):
You got a man, you change it.
I one had to check myself, right, because the reality is is that
when someone you know is in arelationship becomes a parent.
Even if they change job, theirlevel of time is going to be
different.
So I have to have theunderstanding that the change
may be because the level of timeis different.
(14:08):
If I'm feeling forgotten, Ineed to say that.
What would I say to my manRight, you busy working, you
ain't paying me no attention.
So I'm going to tell this is mybest friend, so why can't I
tell my best friend that?
So I ended up having aconversation and I was like yo,
(14:29):
you know what's going on.
Why are we talking as much?
You know, I feel like I'm theone calling you more.
What's happening?
The first thing she said youknow what?
Thanks for checking me.
My bad, I apologize.
Some of the reason why you'renot hearing from me from so much
is because you know as much asyou love my husband.
(14:49):
He be ear hustling.
He feel like you, his bestfriend too.
So sometime I know that youwant to tell me something in
private, so I'll try to waittill I'm alone, and then that
alone time sometimes don'thappen, right?
So what I'll do from now on iswe'll talk, but I'll let you
know I have you on speaker oryou know somebody is in the
(15:11):
background.
So you know not to say thisthing, right, and we can still
have our conversation and I sayfair enough, right, and it is
true Right.
Listen, that's my best friend.
Her husband is my bestfriend-in-law, you understand.
That's my guy.
You know what I mean.
(15:31):
But you know he's friendly, hewant to be in the conversation.
There's sometimes he can't bein the conversation.
You understand what I'm sayingBecause I'm chatting.
You know, talking certainthings that's only for her.
You know what I mean.
So I think being able to havethat conversation is important.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
No.
So let me clarify before theaudience thinks that I'm a Madix
right, I'm not crazy.
I'm not out here just choppingand cutting off people.
I used to do that when I was alittle kid.
So I do understand life changesand I have very good friends
that I grew up with and I don'ttalk to them as much as I used
(16:08):
to do 15 years ago, 20 years ago, but we still communicate,
right, we still text, you know,I mean my friends all look at me
and I have no time since I'vebeen doing carry on friends and
all the things right, but we docommunicate.
So life changes, work changes,life changes including marriage.
You know children, you know allthese things like.
(16:30):
We get that and those deserve aconversation, even though how
much conversation they reallyneed, if you observe, say
they're married, they're actingwild, they're young.
I think there's an, at leastfor me.
I'm understanding andempathetic and intuitive enough
to know that this is happeningin their life and I will say a
(16:52):
check like yo, your mark, see ifyou're good.
You know like something likethat.
And then they'd be like yo andyou know like stuff like that.
But I guess the breakups thatI'm thinking of in my head that
deserve a breakup are thosewhere there's an infraction and
something happened and, you know, did you do something today?
(17:15):
I will not say, queen H, whyyou step on my toe.
I'm going to look at you and ifyou don't even realize you step
on my toe, I'm going to let itslide.
But if you keep stepping on mytoe, we're going to have an
issue.
Okay, right, because you know,and some people might say, well,
you should have said something.
It could have been an accident,you know.
(17:35):
But like, if I and Queen H aremy besties but realize that
Minoya me and a friend them withit, and I think those are the
(17:59):
other types of relationships weaddress, when we hold somebody
to a certain level of friendshipand they don't return that
level of friendship, and doesthat make sense to have a
conversation?
No, well, well, all right, youall disagree.
So, queen P, I'm going to letyou jump in and then, queen H,
(18:20):
you can rebut me on.
You should have a conversation,because if me that thinks of me
and you are good, good friend,I'm going to realize that, no,
you have me as cool, but youdon't have me upon a certain
level or esteem.
I don't need to have aconversation, because what I do,
I beg you to upgrade me.
I don't beg you to upgrade me,I don't know.
Queen P, help me out here,because I feel like Queen H over
(18:41):
here, just liberal like yo, youa friend, you a friend, you a
bestie, you a bestie.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Hey, you get a car, you get a car.
No, sir, me tell you something,that is not how queen age roll
at all, definitely more sociable, but now should not bring your
night out, you just don't knowanyhow.
So, listen, I have to say youwere saying earlier about, like,
if we're not close, it feelsdisingenuous to have a
discussion, to kind of go down aparticular road with why you're
(19:07):
not calling me back, why youain't texting me, why, etc.
Etc.
And I completely agree, right,like if we're not in each
other's lives and we tend toconnect.
I think human beings haveenough intuition, right.
Sometimes we don't tap in,right, but you know, if you're
holding a vibe with somebody,you'd be like okay, girl, let's
(19:29):
go to brunch, okay, nah, you wasacting wild, we're not going to
brunch again.
You know, I'm saying like youmake your judgment based on your
interaction with somebody, andI mean you have to be in tune
with who you are, what you cantolerate, what you can't
tolerate, what's a deal breakerfor you in a friendship, in a
relationship, even in thefounding moments of getting to
know somebody, I think at thisparticular point in one's life
(19:52):
you have to use your discernment, as I was saying before, and
you know when someone's worthyour time and when they're not.
Now, for true, if they're notworth your time and you know
y'all not close, cool, even ifthey feel like you might be
closer, then you got to wonderabout their boundaries, right,
because close in general shouldbe a mutual thing.
And again, like I was saying,you know sometimes you're in
(20:14):
someone's life for a reason thatmay not benefit you, right, but
you see how much value you'reable to add to them.
But let me, you know, do a gooddeed then, right, and have this
relationship and bring value tothis person, because we all
need that, everybody needs ahand in life, right, and that's
the truth.
So you might want to do that ornot in life, right, and that's
(20:35):
the truth.
So you might want to do that ornot, but I do definitely think
that it's important that yourecognize what it is that you
are looking for and looking togain when you interact with
somebody, even in those foundingmoments, because people take
the word friendship very, very,um like loosely these days, you
know, you meet somebody on thebus all of a sudden that's your
friend.
Hey, girl, hey, you know people.
Definitely, in this age ofsocial media where everybody is
(20:56):
checking in on your life,commenting on your stuff, you
know boundaries are very fluid.
People are very impersonal.
People just say what they wantto say.
Nobody cares about anybody'sfeelings, people are just out
there and everybody is a friend.
Everybody who like your pictureis a friend.
People want to, you know, notreally be in tune with others,
but more like post for likes andput things on social media and
(21:18):
throw phrases and write subs andit's just like there's that
communication with an individualis kind of missing, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
I do want to clarify.
I don't mean havingconversation with people that is
not close to you, right, ifsomeone has an infraction and
they're close to you, I do thinkit warrants a conversation,
depending on the infraction.
If you're sleeping with my man,no, there's no conversation.
So that is something different.
But I think that if you'reclose, there is.
(21:49):
There are people that let's saythere's an infraction, somebody
you maybe just, like you said,gone out with, and they just do
a little too much.
When you go out and you're likethat's not my speed, yes, just
leave them, there's noconversation, just quietly
disappear, right.
But I do think if you say, ifwe are friends and we say we're
(22:12):
close friends, or even if, forinstance, I see you as a close
friend and I recognize you don'tsee me as a close friend,
there's some behavior.
I may say something.
It just depends, right.
Because I do agree, there aretimes in that situation that you
see, oh, I'm calling up thisperson or I'm doing this for
this person, and they're notreceptive, they're not being the
(22:35):
same kind of friend to me.
I may just say, okay, well,I'll stop, I'll just stop being
their friend because I don'thave time to waste.
I just think it depends on whatit is.
Sometimes it might be like hey,listen, let me tell you
something.
I see I'm doing this, I'm doingthat and you're not really
responding in the way that Ifeel, or you're not seeing me in
(22:57):
the way that I see you.
So check this, let me carrymyself on, right.
You go about your business andI go about my business, and it's
okay.
No hard feelings.
We're just not that kind offriend.
It's just simple as that, right?
I just think it depends, right.
I mean, I've ended friends offthe principle of things, right,
(23:20):
and they ain't even did nothingto me.
They did something to my otherfriend, Because my thing is, if
you did this thing to them,uh-uh, I'm not giving you the
time and space to do it to me,right?
So I think it just it depends.
You have to trust.
Just like P said, we are bornwith the intuition.
We know how something feels,right.
Sometimes you do need to talkit out a little bit with
(23:43):
somebody, because sometimes weget wrapped up in temporary
feelings, right?
Temporary feelings that makepermanent decisions based off of
those things.
Sometimes we do have toreevaluate that right, but when
we realize that that is not atemporary feeling like no, this
is what's really happening.
You have to decide what you'regoing to do.
Do you want to have thatconversation or just cut them
(24:05):
off?
Goodbye, you're done.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Yes, all right.
So I'm going to wrap thatsegment up with a little recap.
So, when it comes to leaving afriend behind or breaking up,
it's up to each person, right?
It depends on you.
If you're one, that who lovesto talk, go ahead and run and
have that conversation.
If you feel like you know whatI'm going to, just let it slide.
That's up to you to use thatdiscernment based on the level
(24:33):
of closeness you have with thisperson.
If something happened, aninfraction happened, the
severity of the infraction isgoing to determine the level of
communication that you arehaving.
And then, if there's a mismatchin how you see the person as a
friend and the person don't seeyou the same way and let's be
(24:56):
honest, sometimes we are thevillain in somebody's story, so
maybe they're the ones who arelike I'm being all of this for
you and you're not being that.
Yes, sometimes that happens.
So it really depends on what itis.
Using your intuition and Ithink to Queen H's point before
you make a permanent decision,get someone who's neutral to the
(25:21):
situation, sound it out withthem and then get some sound
advice before you make apermanent decision on the
friendship and what to do withthe friendship.
So it's okay to leave friendsbehind.
It's a natural part of life.
You outgrow how you deal withthat and I think Queen P doesn't
say this, but I feel likequietly on mute, you'd be like
(25:44):
real G's walk in silence becauseshe's done it too soon.
That's exactly it, I've editedtheir podcast enough to know
their different personalities,and I feel like that's what she
would say.
So, um, I don't remember whichone of you said it, but do you
feel like, in this age of socialmedia, that we have been using
(26:11):
the term friends very looselyand have expectations of people
that without the technology itwouldn't even equate to a
friendship, it would be like anacquaintance or something?
Do you feel like, in the age ofsocial media, we've become
(26:31):
looser in our definition offriendship but our expectations
are even higher because of that?
And tell me, what have you beenseeing or observing in the
space?
Queen P, I'll start with you.
Man, queen H at a chat box, sowe'll get you in here.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I was actually the one bringing up social media and
how people's expectations havechanged.
I think that expectations haveheightened significantly because
we can see everything.
Right.
People are checking in.
When they go to a particularplace, how you know the killer
ain't searching for you.
Why are you checking in at TacoBell?
Take off your notifications andyour stuff Like this is the
problem.
People are checking in, they'retagging in, they're posting
(27:09):
people.
They're tagging people.
They want to share every singlepart of their lives and their
expectation is I'm sharing allof this with the world.
I'm sharing all of this for you, people I care about.
So you must comment a millioncomments.
You must like all of my photos.
You must respond with greatfeedback Because people are not
(27:31):
posting for themselves.
That's not been my experience,right?
People are tagging folks andstuff.
You're posting what?
For yourself?
Because you were there, youtook the picture, you know, you
had the experience and you'rebringing all these people in on
your experience and, of course,when you do that, you're opening
the door for all kinds offeedback, all sorts of things,
and you never know after youpost something on the internet
(27:52):
what kind of feedback you canget.
Right, that's the purpose oftrolls to break you down, to
humiliate you, to embarrass you,to talk crazy and wild, and you
know, to expose whatever it isyou have going on.
So you got to know that whenyou open the door, you're the
one opening that door and youhave to be able to handle and
manage whatever comes through it.
Right, and I'm not saying thatall social media is the devil,
(28:15):
but I am saying that, withinreason, you have to decide how
okay you are with beingvulnerable in that space.
It's courageous, for sure,right, and there are things that
are very touching and veryemotional to see, and all of
that, and you can definitelygarner support right From the
right followers.
You know if things arehappening, um, but it's
(28:37):
important that you just um, useyour discernment as you post, um
, and you know, think about whatyou're posting, for you know.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
I think that's one element of it, right, where
there's an expectation like oh,you're supposed to like my
picture or comment under mypicture, and all of that.
But I also feel like I don'teven know, because this is much
more layered.
I realized that I'm not reallya friend because I'm not in none
(29:05):
of these pictures You're onsome flex and I'm not in it,
like I thought aren't we friends?
Like why wasn't invited, right?
So there's that level of that.
Right, you're not part of thecrew and you thought you were a
part of the crew, and thatbreeds bacchanal, as Queen P
(29:25):
would say.
Right, queen H, what are someother things you are observing
when it comes to social mediaand friendships and
interpretations?
Now are friendships andexpectations.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Listen, people crazy and we social workers and we
don't like that word.
You know that's not a clinicalword, but when I say crazy I
just mean like people are wild,like, um, people feel because
you're on social media, you maypost something, that they know
you and that they can saywhatever and do whatever.
(29:59):
Um, I don't know if youremember um or if you saw this
that there was a social mediainfluencer and she cooks.
She's a Jamaican woman, she'smarried to a Haitian man.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
No, she was just on the show.
So Helena was just on the showand I asked her about that.
That nurse can cook, yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
So I didn't know if I can mention that her name, but
yes, yes, and I follow her.
And she had this situationwhere, you know, she was talking
about going to the Beyonceconcert and someone just came up
to her like, oh, I thought youwere a Christian woman, or
whatever they said, and so shehad to make a post.
Listen, let me tell yousomething.
She's better than me.
(30:38):
Don't run up on me, you'regoing to have a problem.
Okay, people feel that theyknow you and so they're going to
chat to you a certain way, talkto you a certain way.
Yes, you know you can post whatyou want on social media, and I
think you have to have somediscernment, Right, and I and I
(30:58):
agree with P on that there arethings that I do post, like, for
instance, I'll post on mystories.
You get the 24 hours and it'sgone.
You know, I know that if I putthat there, I expect responses.
My expectation is not that yourespond, but that some people
will respond.
Do you understand what I'msaying?
(31:18):
You don't have to respond.
I'm okay if you don't, right,if you don't see, I'm posting
for me and for whateverintention I have, but it's not.
I don't care how many likes, Idon't care if someone responds
or not.
Mine is also private.
I'm also, you know, verycareful about who I save on my
(31:43):
you know social media, mypersonal social media, and I
mean the same thing goes for youIf you think about podcasting.
We're here talking, right?
So there are going to be peoplewho really enjoy speaking with
us.
Right, for us, on this platform,we decided that we're not very
(32:09):
personal in what we speak about.
Right?
People feel that they will knowyou and they have a certain
connection to you that they maybe able to say or do whatever
they want.
Right?
They'll be able to Google whereyou work, what you do, and they
just don't have any boundaries.
So, for us, this is a boundary.
We do love to talk, we want toteach the next generation, we
(32:30):
want to participate in thissphere, but this is the way that
we're going to participate.
Right One, because we have jobs,we have generation.
We want to participate in thissphere, but this is the way that
we're going to participate.
Right One, because we have jobs.
We have jobs, we have certainlives, and so we decide to
protect who we are becausepeople have no boundaries.
Mental health is serious, right?
People stop.
There's a lot of differentthings and people expect certain
(32:51):
things from you, thinking that,oh, we're friends because on
social media we have banter.
Social media we have banter,that's it.
If we don't hang out, if Idon't call you on the phone,
we're not friends.
Me, no business.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Can I just add a piece?
You know when this friendsbusiness started back in my
space or whatsoever, you know,when Facebook got together,
everybody you had to add afriend right.
Even now, I think, when you addpeople, it's called add friend,
and I think, because they usethe word friend instead of the
word associate, people reallystarted to get on board with
(33:28):
this You're a friend, you're afriend, we're friends on
Facebook.
We're a friend, you're a friend, you know.
And so the idea of having afriend, the idea of having
someone close to you, you'resharing pictures, you're sharing
each other's lives, becausepeople fill their social media
with a lot of personal stuff,right, I think that's how we got
to this place, where everybodyexpects something from everybody
else and relationships arefraught with conflict because
(33:52):
why you didn't post me?
I was in the pic.
Why you didn't tag me Right andlike you were saying, queen H,
I post for my own intentions,okay, I don't care what y'all
have going on, mine on abusiness, thanks.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
So wrapping up this point before I go to the other
point.
So with social media comes alooser interpretation or meaning
of friends.
Just because of the mechanicsof how it works, you have to add
someone as a friend, right, andthat was intentional.
They didn't want to say add afollower, because no one wants
to be a follower, but whatever.
(34:26):
So they said a friend.
And because of that,psychologically we've begun to
assume that okay, carry onfriends.
And at the Queen of Social Workpodcast we're friends on
Instagram and that you have somesort of relationship with and
(34:55):
they feel excluded becausethey've gone on your social
media and noticed that theyaren't part of the friend group,
for lack of a better word,right, the incident with Elena
and that nurse can cook, that'sa, that's a very extreme
situation and she handled thatand I even asked her if that
(35:15):
would make her change and youknow she said that.
You know she thought about itand she said if she changed they
would win and she's like youknow it's part of the space.
You have to expect that somepeople are going to love you and
then some people are going tobe on the extreme right.
(35:39):
But there's an observation withsocial media that, oh, queen H
of a party and didn't invite me,type thing.
You know, because I it untilafter the fact, people are
seeing real time that theyaren't included in whatever it
is because you know hashtag, youknow we be 40, you know, you
(36:03):
know, whatever it is.
So there's that level of that.
Queen H, you want to saysomething?
Speaker 2 (36:16):
something, yeah, so just on that point, right, I've
had to have this conversationwith clients before right, and
it goes back to what we startedwith.
There are levels to friendship.
You will not be in every circle.
As human beings, I think it'squite natural to want to belong,
even the people that say theydon't want to belong.
You want to have some kind ofbelonging.
I don't care what anyone says,right, it is natural to want to
(36:39):
belong.
The issue is are you grounded inyourself to know that I do not
have to be everybody's friend, Ido not have to be every place?
You understand what I mean, andI think social media tests that
for many people, because if, oh, they had this party and I
wasn't invited, oh, okay.
(37:00):
I think it's okay to feel saltyfor the second because you
thought you were better friendsor you thought you could be a
part of this, but then you moveon.
Okay, that was for them, that'sit.
You move on.
You cannot be everything foreveryone, right?
And the moment that you acceptthat a lot of that doesn't
(37:20):
bother you.
I do agree that because back inthe day you didn't have the
social media, you wouldn't knowthat the person had it.
You still felt salty when youlearned about it after.
So that don't change thefeeling.
I think it is very apparent.
This is happening right now,whether it's back in the day or
(37:46):
now.
You have to be okay.
I'm not going to be everywhere,and that is okay.
And the other thing is I doagree with P when she's talking
about when you add people onsocial media.
Is this friends thing the onlyone that I've seen that don't
say, oh, add a friend, a blahblah, blah, blah blah is
LinkedIn.
Linkedin said do you want toadd this connection?
I think that's a better thing.
They should change it toconnection, because we're not
(38:07):
friends.
We're not friends.
If I choose to follow your pageor you follow, we may not be
friends.
We are following each other.
So if you don't like the wordfollow, do you want to add this
connection?
Right, because that's what itis and can a friendship form
from that?
It is.
But if you are not talking tothe person outside of the app,
(38:30):
you're not friends.
You are not friends and youhave to have a reality check.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
You know, to add a level.
I think what we then see is thestreet brawl on the internet,
which is the chore word, youknow, subliminals, right, you
start to true award for peopleand I'm just like I'm not with
this subliminal.
If you talk to me, talk to mewith your chest, you know, and
talk to me offline, one-on-one.
(38:59):
Don't bring the whole communityinto this, right, and I think
we see that play out a lot.
People are hurt and in theirfeelings and because everyone
has a platform in their pockets,they go out and they've made a
(39:20):
small situation blow up biggerbecause you're airing your
feelings out loud.
Once that come out the can, youcan't put it back in a box.
So social media has definitelychanged.
There are some people throughthe podcast that I've met and
I've become close enough to them.
(39:40):
We email and it's like thatwasn't immediate, that was over
time.
They would be like you know, hi, I love the episode, thank you,
you know, like small touches,and I think there's aspects of
my audience that kind of have asimilar personality or thought
process.
Where it's, it still requirestime to to build a relationship.
(40:04):
So so we we we've talked aboutleaving a friend behind.
We probably should have talkedabout social media, because that
could be a reason why you wantto leave a friend behind,
because that seems to be thebiggest reason.
But I want to go back to athird point in this conversation
about friends that you broughtup right.
(40:26):
Everybody have a BFF.
Do we all need BFFs?
I have good friends fromthey're still my good friends
and we pray and we do all thisbecause my enemy used to go to
church, but I don't know if Iwould call them my BFFs, so I'm
going to go to Queen P on this.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
You know what I was thinking long and hard about
this one A part of me feels likeyou do need someone who's as
close as close can be to you,right?
It doesn't matter if you callhim a best friend or bestest
friend or close friend or goodfriend association.
I'm not into labels, right?
I'm very liberal, so I'm notinto labels.
(41:05):
Matters me not into labels,right, I'm very liberal, so I'm
not into labels, matters me not.
But I do think that you needsomeone close to you that you
can show up with bare face, notnose, no shoes, no makeup,
because life be lifin' andsometimes things hit the fan
that nobody is prepared for andyou need a person who you can go
to.
Right?
Sometimes it's not the personyou met in kindergarten.
(41:27):
Sometimes it's not the personyou met in college.
Sometimes it's your husband,your wife, your partner, right,
if there's no gender.
Sometimes it's just a soul thatyou connect with and even
though life may pass its timeand you may not see the person
in 30 odd years, you pick up thephone.
That person is there, right.
For me, that's friendship.
(41:47):
The people who I consider myfriends know I'm not calling
their ass.
Y'all know I'm not going tocall right.
Y'all know I'm not going towrite, I'm not going to text,
but you know that I'm alwayshere.
I will drop what I'm doing.
We getting on a plane, what'shappening?
I'm down to ride.
The people who know me knowthat.
Call P, because she got theting, the ting, ting, ting, she
(42:10):
ready, okay.
So I will say that, um, youabsolutely need someone close to
you in your life.
It is a blessing and an honorto have that and to be that for
somebody.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
So, contrary to popular belief, I do not think
that you have to have a bestfriend, um, but, but I do think
you know, like Pete said, youhave to have someone that's
close to you, and I think thereason is that you know you have
to be able to express yourselfwith someone and feel that you
can trust.
I think we see people who havedisruption in relationships,
(42:42):
difficulty in formingrelationships, and we see the
discord that it causes in theirlife, and I think you know,
whatever you decide to label it,that's up to you, right, and I
do agree.
A spouse can be a best friend,a parent, a sibling, cousin.
Some people don't have outsidefriends, they only have family
(43:04):
and that's their best, but it'swho you determine, that you feel
that you can trust, that whenthe chips are down, you can call
.
When things are going well andyou celebrate that you can call.
That will be happy for you, asif it was them right.
You want someone who's there inthe good and in the bad, both
(43:24):
right, and so relationships arenecessary.
Relationships are work, and soif your best friend or whoever
you say you're closest to,that's work, and sometimes it
comes easy, and I agree it maynot be the person you grew up
with, because trick bag, thosepeople may not allow you to grow
(43:47):
into who you are, because theyknown you since you were younger
, and so it may be somebody youmet two, three years ago and
that is your soulmate, right,and so it's up to you.
But it's important to formcertain relationships because
you do need to support.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
We're not here by ourselves relationships Because
you do, you need to support,we're not here by ourselves.
You know, I think, witheverything it's socialized about
the labels and the titles right, like oh, so-and-so BFF, and we
see it in pop culture, we seeit in Hollywood, on TV, you know
(44:27):
whatever gossip sites and youfeel like you need to have a BFF
the way it's mirrored in mediaand that's not necessarily the
case.
So, yes, you can have good,good friends, friends that you
know I've had, friends that I'veknown for donkey years now,
long, long time.
And those relationships, yes, Iactually they allow me to grow.
As a matter of fact, they willtap me on the shoulder and be
(44:49):
like I'm not seeing you showingup the way I know you can show
up right, because they know meright.
But it's this idea of putting atitle, bff goals, that type of
thing that you know and we haveto be careful not to get into
(45:10):
this performance of what otherpeople say.
Best friendship should look likeright, because if, if it should
look like what's on TV, queen Pdon't got no best friend or
nobody creepy, be like over here, just like picking out our name
(45:34):
like I'm good, why you not good?
You know I'm good like.
But again it goes back to thevery beginning understanding,
being intuitive, like listeningto that gut, like discernment,
you like knowing a person, theirpersonality, and knowing that
you know it's not going to be,you know, vivacious like Queen H
, it's not going to be Chetaboxlike Carrie Ann, it's not going
(45:57):
to be super quiet like Queen P.
You are going to find yourpocket and whoever you're
friends with, they will adjustand they will know.
Oh, that's just just so.
She's there, she good.
Right.
And to kind of wrap up thisconversation on friendship, I
want to ask you both asclinicians, putting on your
(46:17):
clinician hat, like what do yousee people do that you wish they
didn't do this and wouldpractice healthier habits for
the sake of themselves first andthen their friendships?
Because one of the things thatI feel like people do maybe some
people aren't good atprioritizing themselves over
(46:38):
friendships and some people arethe opposite.
Right, like me, first me, nobusiness about this friendship.
So maybe a balance, likewhatever you're seeing in the
space, but your thoughts on likehealthier behavior for
relationships, for yourself andyour friendships.
Speaker 3 (46:57):
I have to say and you just hit the nail on the head,
because that's what came up forme at first when you said it
what came up when you said theword balance is exactly it,
right, and we need balance inour relationships in general,
because in our society andculture, we tend to prioritize
work, we tend to prioritizegetting the bag, making money
(47:19):
over time, and so that leaveslittle time for you, it leaves
little time for rest, it leaveslittle time for your family
worse, your friends, right.
So I want to see people stepaway a little bit if they can.
Right, just giving themselves amoment to process what they've
experienced and to come back toit when they need to come back
(47:40):
to it.
We don't allow ourselves amoment.
Right, it's like you're chokingand you're still going for more
food.
Right, like, give yourself abreak.
Give yourself a break.
Honor that, because your bodyis telling you we need a moment.
Right.
So I want to see people havemore balance in their life in
general.
I want to see people prioritizethose who love them.
(48:01):
Right, like your friends, thosewho want to be there, who want
to support you.
Show up for them.
Right, prioritize that.
Some people are takers and somepeople are givers and there's
got to be a sweet spot betweenthe two, and I also want to see
people do more of creatingboundaries and having
conversations, like Queen H said.
(48:22):
Queen H started this out likeno, you need to talk to people
and let them know what time itis, and I'm like, nah, it ain't
no conversation because we good,you know what it is.
You just, peeps, use your twoeye and you know what it is.
You know what I mean.
But I do think in practice, insession and people who are
seeking services and people whoare all of us actually need to
(48:44):
just open our eyes, have aconversation.
And even if that conversationlooks like I don't have the
capacity today, let me call youback.
Let me get back to this Even ifthat conversation looks like
creating a boundary or it mayfeel like a rejection to the
person you're giving it, tohonor that too.
Acknowledge how they feel.
(49:04):
Sis, I don't want you to feelbad, that my intention is not to
make you feel no type of way,but this is where I'm at and I
can't really.
You know you took back yourbaby father again.
Okay, listen, let me just giveme two minutes to fry up this
fried chicken and do this riceand peas real quick and let me
do a cold slaw on the side andI'll call you back in an hour
(49:24):
and a half with my cocktails andwe could talk.
You know what I'm saying.
So it looks all kind of way,but you know, I have to give my
example and bring it to the needfor boundaries, the need for
communication, the need forbalance, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
First of all, y'all don't know, queen P can throw
down Okay, the food good, okay.
That's why she talked about thefood, because she know she a
(50:02):
chef, she chef boy ID over thereshe is chefing it up, he is
correcting the boundaries andall of that.
As much as I am a little bitmore social, I'm with it with
the boundaries.
You cannot, just because youmet somebody and you guys are
hitting it off, bury your.
(50:24):
I think you, you have to letpeople earn your friendship, and
that sounds rough but it's notright.
What level of friendship canthey uh uh uh rise to in your
life and you also in their life?
You cannot give them everythingall at once and then not seeing
(50:47):
what type of person they are.
Right, I think you just have totake it slow and really see
where people's priorities are.
I think because everything isso fast paced, everything is so
quick.
You know you have Instagram,you have TikTok, everything is
social media is just exposing somany things.
You know, I think people movetoo fast in relationships.
(51:09):
Take it slow, take it slow.
That doesn't mean that youcan't hit it off with people.
There are some people you dohit it off with and you see
automatically they're a greatperson and all of that.
But I still think it'sdiscernment and trusting your
gut.
You and your gut knows whatfeels right and what feels wrong
.
The problem is we don't listento it.
(51:30):
We don't listen to the personinside.
And if you have not been ableto listen to that person,
figuring out ways to learn howto listen to that voice, right,
because we know that if peopleexperience certain things in
their life trauma, whatever itmay be there may be a little off
in their assessment of people.
(51:52):
But you know, that's whattherapy is for, that is what
spiritual, you know, connectionis for.
All of those things will teachyou it.
But discernment to me is thekey factor and I would say that,
continuously, people have toearn your friendship.
You donment to me is the keyfactor and I will say that
continuously, people have toearn your friendship.
You don't just give it away forfree.
Speaker 1 (52:12):
I agree, and, as with anything, you earn it, you have
to evaluate it where it is andchecking on it constantly.
We got this job and everycouple of months they check to
see how we're performing andthey assess right, and I think
(52:35):
that's the overarching thingthat I'm getting from this.
But we know when it's time fora breakup or to leave a friend
behind, because there isfrequent assessment and checking
the health of the friendshipand the relationship, and so we
have a pulse of where this isand when we don't do that and
(52:57):
then something just happens.
I'm with Queen P.
It's almost like we know whattime it is.
We don't need to have, you know, kumbaya over this.
It is what it is right, it'swith us.
You know, ex, but audience, Idon't want you to think that we
are taking this lightly.
(53:22):
Longest relationships in life,right, even outside your spouse,
right, you have theserelationships and these
relationships can be just asemotional, even more, than a
spouse, right, because this ispure emotion.
There's no physical, nothing.
It's.
There's an emotional bond andconnection, and some people may
(53:44):
not want that level ofbondedness and connection, and
and and.
Some people may not want thatlevel of bondedness and
connection, and and and somepeople might not even realize
it's that to that level and takeit seriously.
But we all have to do our part,especially as we get older.
You know making friends asadult different, you know, you
know it's so and adjustingfriendships as adults is
(54:05):
different.
Right, we left high school, buthigh school still.
I go on.
So you know a lot of thesethings are harder because no one
has a conversation about this.
We were never told.
We assume that everything'sgoing to be good, all right.
So I really enjoy having Queen Pand Queen H on the podcast to
talk about this aspect offriendship how to have these
(54:28):
difficult conversation.
If you choose not to have thesedifficult conversation, that's
up to you.
We can't force you and tell youwhat to have.
There are some best practices,but you're making a decision
based on who the other person isand you are developing your
discernment, your intuition, andthat will take time.
(54:49):
And so start listening to thevoice.
The voice I said me did nuwe,no, me did nuwe.
Is that voice?
Queen Pia, queen H talkingabout that me did nuwe voice?
And so, as we wrap up, I wantyou to go listen to the Queen of
Social Work podcast.
You don't have to be a socialworker to listen to the podcast.
I think that the topics aregreat topics for you.
(55:12):
To listen to them over onInstagram too.
You know you're still not goingto see them fierce, but they're
over there, right, the Queensof Social Work podcast, and this
is the boundary that they'vecreated.
And even though you don't seetheir faces, the personalities
that you're getting are who theytruly are when the camera's off
(55:32):
and the mic turn off andeverything, and I think that is
a valuable aspect in a worldwhere everybody does a put them
business on Broad Street.
So any final words before welock off the party Queen P and
Queen H.
Speaker 3 (55:47):
This was so great.
I had such a great time withour friends over here at Carry
On Friends.
Thank you for inviting us.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
You're welcome.
Yes, yes, no, this is a goodtime and thank you for having us
on here.
Thank you for all that you do.
You're awesome and please'alllisten, listen to this podcast,
listen to us and support theting.
No, yeah.
Speaker 1 (56:15):
Yes, All right, and so until next time.
As I love to say at the end ofevery episode walk good.
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