November 5, 2023 • 17 mins
Our intentions don’t always line up with our outcomes, and misunderstandings lead to anger, sadness, frustration, and conflict. In this episode, I’ll talk about intent vs impact, which is more important, and how to effectively and ethically communicate your intentions. Of course, I’ll be weaving in the timeless wisdom of the Stoics.
Hi, I’m Sarah Mikutel, your communication and mindset coach, an Enneagram 9 expat in England, and practicing Stoic. Introverts come to me to learn to speak confidently in front of a room, online, and in social situations without becoming a sweaty, blushing mess with a stress headache.
Does the phrase “public speaking” make you feel a little sick…even if it’s just a team meeting or a group conversation?
I made something to help you.
Calm Your Nerves in 90 Seconds is a free anxiety-reduction toolkit with a guided meditation and journal to help you communicate with confidence.
Use it anytime your brain goes into overdrive and you need a reset.
https://sarahmikutel.com/reset
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Our intentions don't always line up with our outcomes
and misunderstandings lead toanger, sadness, frustration,
conflict.
In this episode, I will talkabout intent versus impact which
is more important and how toeffectively and ethically
communicate your intentions.
Hello, I'm Sarah Micatel, yourCommunication and Mindset Coach
(00:21):
and Enneagram 9xBat, living inEngland as well as practicing
stoic Now.
When I was little, I saw my dadspray paint some furniture
outside and then later that weekI saw those spray paint cans in
our basement where my friendsand I were riding around on
tricycles and roller skates andsomebody maybe me put two and
(00:42):
two together and thought weshould paint our bikes.
So the four of us, including mylittle sister, we opened up the
cellar door and rolled ourbikes into the front yard and
this was secluded by trees.
People weren't really seeingwhat we were doing, who were
driving by, and this was the 80s, when parents were still
allowed to have lives, so theyweren't around when we were
(01:04):
spraying spray painting red,white and blue all over the
place, streaking the air,streaking the grass.
I have a hazy memory of thereality of this painting, not
matching up with thetransformation that I had in my
head of these bikes, but stillthis felt like art.
We were taking color to thenext level, we were improving
the product and I imagined myparents saying wow, wow, you did
(01:29):
that, can you do my car as well?
And for good measure.
I spray painted this metal rodthat was supporting a telephone
pole in our yard and then wedecided to parade our bikes into
the backyard.
We knocked on the kitchen doorand jumped around smiling and
excited until we saw ourparents' faces.
(01:49):
They were not pleased withtheir paint job and they also
had company over, so I'mguessing they were embarrassed
as well as angry with us, and Iwas a shy people pleaser as a
kid.
So my afternoon of juveniledelinquency must have added to
the shock for my parents, whoare good people and might have a
(02:11):
more laid-back reaction if myfive-year-old nephew did
something like this today.
Most likely my parents don'teven remember this incident, but
I do.
I remember how out of alignmenttheir reactions were to my
intentions.
I thought that they would bethrilled when they saw our spray
painted bikes, but the answeris no.
(02:32):
Was I wrong to do what I did,or did my intention to create
something beautiful count forsomething?
In recent decades it's becomevery common to hear it doesn't
matter what your intent was.
It's how you made me feel thisis not a wise idea to hang on to
.
Intentions do matter way morethan the outcome of what happens
(02:54):
, according to the ancientStoics, because while we can
influence outcomes, they are notentirely in our control, so not
always the best measure of ourcharacter.
For the Stoics, our moral worthis based on good intentions and
the effort we make, which isentirely up to us.
Your intentions reveal whatkind of person you are.
(03:16):
If we want to enjoy healthyrelationships and also to think
rationally, so that life doesn'tdrive us insane, we need to
keep our minds open to otherperspectives, to listen to
people and to forgive orapologize.
Becky is jealous of her popularcolleague, emily, who is giving
a very important presentation.
(03:37):
The next day.
Emily has spent weeks on thiscontent and Becky encourages her
to take a break.
And as soon as Emily leaves tobuy a sandwich, becky hops on
her computer.
She finds Emily's slide deckand she permanently deletes it.
And when Emily comes back she'sa little confused about where
her file has gone.
(03:57):
But thankfully she has alsosaved her slide deck in the
cloud and she downloads itwithout any problems.
And the next day Emily gives afantastic presentation and she
doesn't even know that Beckytried to sabotage her.
So is Becky guilty of something,even though her plan failed and
Emily didn't suffer?
A consequentialist who saysit's the outcome that matters
(04:20):
would say no, because Emilywasn't harmed.
The law might say otherwise,because Becky accessed equipment
that wasn't hers and she triedto delete company property.
Stoics would say that Becky isguilty of living an unethical
life and of harming herself.
Her vicious thoughts andactions reveal the quality of
her character.
The fact that Emily didn't loseher presentation doesn't
(04:43):
absolve Becky of wrongdoing.
Why you do what you do and theeffort you put in to do it says
more about you than the outcome.
In Becky's mind.
She probably wasn't eventhinking about her intentions at
all.
But thinking punishing thoughtslike �Emily doesn't deserve to
be liked so much more than me�.
But if Becky had taken a stepback and actually considered her
(05:05):
intentions and what they revealabout her identity, she may
have re-evaluated her plans Ifshe considered the intention.
My intent is to harm Emily.
I'm the kind of person whoharms people.
This sounds like a miserablelife.
So what is the end goal here?
To become popular like Emily.
Is acting like this going toget you there and why do you
(05:27):
want to be popular, becky?
Is it because you want morefriends?
Becoming a friend worthy ismuch more likely to help Becky
make friends than scheming.
Marcus Aurelius wrote �Such asyour habitual thoughts, such
also will be the character ofyour mind, for the soul is dyed
by the thoughts�.
(05:48):
In other words, the thoughtsthat you allow in your mind
influence your character and thecolor of your soul.
You are the accumulation ofyour thoughts and your actions.
That's thoughts and actions.
It's not enough to intend to bea good colleague, partner,
(06:08):
friend or whatever role is yoursto play.
Our actions need to back upthese intentions.
Consider the consequences ofwhat you do or don't do when
you're making decisions andfollow through on good
intentions.
What do you want out of life?
What do you want right now?
Who do you have to be to getthis?
(06:30):
You've heard of to-do list.
What's your to-be list?
Who do you want to become?
Name your intent and theidentity associated with it.
This will help you see thingsmore rationally so you can make
better decisions.
Pam is a project manager and aclient has just sent in some
last-minute changes.
Pam wants to let her colleaguesknow, so she sends them an
(06:53):
email saying �Hi, team, somelast-minute changes have come
through.
Please prioritize these so wecan make the deadline.
We need everyone's undividedattention this week, so please
adjust your schedulesaccordingly.
Thank you so much, pam�.
Harry, one of the team membersthinks Pam is implying that they
don't usually give their fullattention to the project.
He shares his feelings withsome coworkers and now they feel
(07:17):
undervalued because of Pam'smessage.
Harry goes to Pam and he tellsher �We work really hard.
And now we wonder if you'reseeing that, based on your
message�, harry's reactionreally surprises Pam.
She had intended to be helpfulby sharing the client changes
right away In her mind.
Her message had a �We are allin this together feel�.
(07:38):
So she is offended that Harrywas offended.
Why was Harry assuming theworst in her?
Before we talk about how toresolve this, I will say that
Pam's company should coach itsemployees to assume positive
intent, to reflect before theyreact and to be more emotionally
resilient.
And if you would like help withthis kind of stoic
communication and well-beingtraining, please get in touch.
(08:00):
I love doing this kind of work,sarahmycatelcom.
Back to Harry and Pam.
So why might Harry be under theimpression that Pam wanted to
insult him.
Several factors could be atplay here Temperament Some
people are just naturally wiredto be more distrustful and
stressed.
Experience Harry may have ahistory of overly critical
(08:23):
colleagues and bosses.
And also situation Harry mayfeel under tremendous pressure
right now in his role, maybe inhis family life.
And there is also somethingcalled the fundamental
attribution error.
Attribution theory says that weattribute people's behavior to
internal factors, such asintentions what we're talking
(08:46):
about today and also externalfactors, and that's things like
traffic, things that are outsideof our control.
However, we often attributeother people's behavior to
internal circumstances and ourown behavior to external
circumstances.
So he's late because he's lazy,but I'm late because my train
was delayed.
That is the fundamentalattribution error.
(09:08):
There is also theory of mind,and this is our ability to
understand that we all havedifferent perspectives,
different intentions, values,etc.
We can't read each other'sminds, but we often forget this
and assume that if someoneoffends us, they intended to
offend us.
They must be thinking just likeus and they know what's going
(09:29):
to make us mad.
And then we make thefundamental attribution error.
We assume somebody made us madbecause they're a bad person,
instead of considering whatmight be going on in their life,
whether they actually intendedto hurt us or whether we are
wrong, and they didn't sayanything offensive at all.
Of course the Stoics say we needto take a step back and realize
(09:51):
that a lot of our firstimpressions of a situation are
false impressions.
Having said that, if your goodintentions have unintended
negative consequences, acceptwhat happened and remedy the
situation.
When Harry comes to her, pamfeels defensive, but she wisely
reflects before she responds.
Okay, what is my role here?
(10:13):
Who do I want to show up?
As she decides.
She wants to show up as acaring and competent leader of
this project.
She says to herself I valueclear communication and being
open to ideas and suggestions.
So Pam sets the intention tolisten to Harry with an open
mind.
She appreciates that he came toher instead of stewing negative
(10:34):
emotions by himself, and sheconsiders her role in this
misunderstanding.
Pam decides that the wisestcourse of action is to address
the situation in the teammeeting.
So at the beginning of themeeting she says Hi everyone.
It's important that I clearsomething up.
My email from earlier today cameacross to some as questioning
(10:56):
your dedication.
I didn't intend for this toneof voice at all.
I know how hard you work and Iam just so grateful for each and
every one of you.
My goal with that email wassimply to alert you to changes
and to say all hands on deck, weare in this together and I
value each and every one of you.
Cultivate thoughts that reflectthe kind of person you want to
(11:21):
be.
Wisdom comes from learning frommistakes and adjusting your
actions in the future.
Pam could have said you are alla bunch of babies Grow up, we
are under a tight deadline andyou're whining about an email as
making our situation worse, butwhat outcome would that have
resulted in?
What intention would she havebeen speaking from?
(11:42):
That wouldn't have helpedanyone, including herself.
Instead of reacting out ofemotion, pam showed up as a
leader.
She tried to see things fromthe other side.
She listened, she clarified herintentions and she restored
harmony to the team, and now sheknows how to more effectively
communicate with them next time.
(12:02):
Responding this way is liketaking care of the environment.
It is the right thing to do andit also just makes good
business sense.
After this conversation, pamand her colleagues literally
felt much better.
Science suggests that the way weperceive someone's intentions
has an effect on our physicalexperience.
(12:24):
There is a study called thepower of good intentions.
Perceived benevolence soothespain, increases pleasure and
improves taste, and they wantedto see if what we think about a
person's intentions can alterour perceptions of pleasure and
pain.
In one of their studies,participants received electric
(12:46):
shocks and they thought thatthey were receiving these shocks
either by mistake, by a meanperson on purpose, or by someone
with good intentions who wasshocking them so they had a
chance to win a prize.
Participants felt the most painfrom the shocks when they
thought the intent was maliciousthe person was trying to hurt
(13:07):
them.
They felt the least amount ofpain from the benevolent
shockers.
Those were the people who weretrying to help them win money.
When we think somebody's beingmalicious, we feel worse, but if
we think they've got our bestinterests at heart, the same
circumstance can feel better.
This comes in especially handywhen giving somebody
(13:27):
constructive feedback at work.
Taylor hired a junior employeenamed Jordan who has just given
his first presentation.
Jordan left out some importantdata and his slides didn't
follow brand guidelines.
Taylor wants to give Jordanfeedback without discouraging
him.
Now the key is to framepositive intent.
If Taylor doesn't frame hisgood intentions or consider his
(13:51):
words beforehand, theconversation risks going
something like this Jordan, youforgot to include the data we
needed in your presentation andthe formatting was wrong.
Did no one tell you how weusually present?
And then Jordan might respondoh, I spent hours on that
presentation.
I wanted to share something new.
Did you hate all of it?
Alternatively, taylor canemphasize the purpose of the
(14:14):
conversation beforehand, whichis to help Jordan.
So Taylor could say Jordan,first off, I loved your
enthusiasm that you brought toyour presentation.
I can tell that you really careabout your work and you have
been such a valuable addition tothe team.
May I share some guidance tohelp improve your next
presentation?
And Jordan will probably saysure, we have certain branding
(14:36):
that we use.
I'm sorry if nobody told you,but our slides need to adhere to
that.
I also noticed that some keydata from operations was missing
.
In response, jordan might saysomething like oh, I am so sorry
that I forgot to include theoperation slide.
That won't happen again.
As for the format, I was tryingsomething new, but I understand
if there's a standard deck tofollow.
That actually makes my life alot easier.
(14:57):
By setting the tone and beingclear on intentions, taylor and
Jordan can have a much moreproductive conversation focused
on Jordan's growth.
To sum all of this up clean upyour intentions before you
communicate and your life isgoing to flow a lot more
smoothly.
This is the solution to half oflife's problems.
You want the message peoplereceive to be as close as
(15:20):
possible to what you intended tosay, but, as you know, a lot
gets lost in translation.
People make fundamentalattribution errors.
They filter our words throughtheir own personality, their
experience, their presentsituation.
They forget that we can't readtheir minds.
Ideally, intentions lead topositive outcomes and socially,
(15:42):
this builds trust between people.
On the flip side, when youdon't do what you say you're
going to do or your actions haveunintended consequences,
relationships can really suffer.
When you are communicating withpeople, consider how your
message could be received andadjust to have the impact you
want.
Before you speak, ask yourselfwhat your intention is and what
(16:06):
outcome you're seeking.
Does this line up with yourvalues and who you want to be?
Are your intentions having theimpact that you want?
Are your actions aligned withwhat you say is important to you
?
This is what I love coachingpeople on, if you would like to
feel and to also be seen assomebody who communicates with
clarity, with confidence, withgood intention.
(16:29):
Go to sarahmygatellcom and booka free conversation with me.
Together we can elevate yourspeaking style so you can have
the influence and impact youwant.
In the words of Lao Zhu watchyour thoughts, they become your
words.
Watch your words, they becomeyour actions.
Watch your actions, they becomeyour habits.
(16:51):
Watch your habits they becomeyour character.
Watch your character, itbecomes your destiny.
Our intentions don't always line up with our outcomes
and misunderstandings lead toanger, sadness, frustration,
conflict.
In this episode, I will talkabout intent versus impact which
is more important and how toeffectively and ethically
communicate your intentions.
Hello, I'm Sarah Micatel, yourCommunication and Mindset Coach
(00:21):
and Enneagram 9xBat, living inEngland as well as practicing
stoic Now.
When I was little, I saw my dadspray paint some furniture
outside and then later that weekI saw those spray paint cans in
our basement where my friendsand I were riding around on
tricycles and roller skates andsomebody maybe me put two and
(00:42):
two together and thought weshould paint our bikes.
So the four of us, including mylittle sister, we opened up the
cellar door and rolled ourbikes into the front yard and
this was secluded by trees.
People weren't really seeingwhat we were doing, who were
driving by, and this was the 80s, when parents were still
allowed to have lives, so theyweren't around when we were
(01:04):
spraying spray painting red,white and blue all over the
place, streaking the air,streaking the grass.
I have a hazy memory of thereality of this painting, not
matching up with thetransformation that I had in my
head of these bikes, but stillthis felt like art.
We were taking color to thenext level, we were improving
the product and I imagined myparents saying wow, wow, you did
(01:29):
that, can you do my car as well?
And for good measure.
I spray painted this metal rodthat was supporting a telephone
pole in our yard and then wedecided to parade our bikes into
the backyard.
We knocked on the kitchen doorand jumped around smiling and
excited until we saw ourparents' faces.
(01:49):
They were not pleased withtheir paint job and they also
had company over, so I'mguessing they were embarrassed
as well as angry with us, and Iwas a shy people pleaser as a
kid.
So my afternoon of juveniledelinquency must have added to
the shock for my parents, whoare good people and might have a
(02:11):
more laid-back reaction if myfive-year-old nephew did
something like this today.
Most likely my parents don'teven remember this incident, but
I do.
I remember how out of alignmenttheir reactions were to my
intentions.
I thought that they would bethrilled when they saw our spray
painted bikes, but the answeris no.
(02:32):
Was I wrong to do what I did,or did my intention to create
something beautiful count forsomething?
In recent decades it's becomevery common to hear it doesn't
matter what your intent was.
It's how you made me feel thisis not a wise idea to hang on to
.
Intentions do matter way morethan the outcome of what happens
(02:54):
, according to the ancientStoics, because while we can
influence outcomes, they are notentirely in our control, so not
always the best measure of ourcharacter.
For the Stoics, our moral worthis based on good intentions and
the effort we make, which isentirely up to us.
Your intentions reveal whatkind of person you are.
(03:16):
If we want to enjoy healthyrelationships and also to think
rationally, so that life doesn'tdrive us insane, we need to
keep our minds open to otherperspectives, to listen to
people and to forgive orapologize.
Becky is jealous of her popularcolleague, emily, who is giving
a very important presentation.
(03:37):
The next day.
Emily has spent weeks on thiscontent and Becky encourages her
to take a break.
And as soon as Emily leaves tobuy a sandwich, becky hops on
her computer.
She finds Emily's slide deckand she permanently deletes it.
And when Emily comes back she'sa little confused about where
her file has gone.
(03:57):
But thankfully she has alsosaved her slide deck in the
cloud and she downloads itwithout any problems.
And the next day Emily gives afantastic presentation and she
doesn't even know that Beckytried to sabotage her.
So is Becky guilty of something,even though her plan failed and
Emily didn't suffer?
A consequentialist who saysit's the outcome that matters
(04:20):
would say no, because Emilywasn't harmed.
The law might say otherwise,because Becky accessed equipment
that wasn't hers and she triedto delete company property.
Stoics would say that Becky isguilty of living an unethical
life and of harming herself.
Her vicious thoughts andactions reveal the quality of
her character.
The fact that Emily didn't loseher presentation doesn't
(04:43):
absolve Becky of wrongdoing.
Why you do what you do and theeffort you put in to do it says
more about you than the outcome.
In Becky's mind.
She probably wasn't eventhinking about her intentions at
all.
But thinking punishing thoughtslike �Emily doesn't deserve to
be liked so much more than me�.
But if Becky had taken a stepback and actually considered her
(05:05):
intentions and what they revealabout her identity, she may
have re-evaluated her plans Ifshe considered the intention.
My intent is to harm Emily.
I'm the kind of person whoharms people.
This sounds like a miserablelife.
So what is the end goal here?
To become popular like Emily.
Is acting like this going toget you there and why do you
(05:27):
want to be popular, becky?
Is it because you want morefriends?
Becoming a friend worthy ismuch more likely to help Becky
make friends than scheming.
Marcus Aurelius wrote �Such asyour habitual thoughts, such
also will be the character ofyour mind, for the soul is dyed
by the thoughts�.
(05:48):
In other words, the thoughtsthat you allow in your mind
influence your character and thecolor of your soul.
You are the accumulation ofyour thoughts and your actions.
That's thoughts and actions.
It's not enough to intend to bea good colleague, partner,
(06:08):
friend or whatever role is yoursto play.
Our actions need to back upthese intentions.
Consider the consequences ofwhat you do or don't do when
you're making decisions andfollow through on good
intentions.
What do you want out of life?
What do you want right now?
Who do you have to be to getthis?
(06:30):
You've heard of to-do list.
What's your to-be list?
Who do you want to become?
Name your intent and theidentity associated with it.
This will help you see thingsmore rationally so you can make
better decisions.
Pam is a project manager and aclient has just sent in some
last-minute changes.
Pam wants to let her colleaguesknow, so she sends them an
(06:53):
email saying �Hi, team, somelast-minute changes have come
through.
Please prioritize these so wecan make the deadline.
We need everyone's undividedattention this week, so please
adjust your schedulesaccordingly.
Thank you so much, pam�.
Harry, one of the team membersthinks Pam is implying that they
don't usually give their fullattention to the project.
He shares his feelings withsome coworkers and now they feel
(07:17):
undervalued because of Pam'smessage.
Harry goes to Pam and he tellsher �We work really hard.
And now we wonder if you'reseeing that, based on your
message�, harry's reactionreally surprises Pam.
She had intended to be helpfulby sharing the client changes
right away In her mind.
Her message had a �We are allin this together feel�.
(07:38):
So she is offended that Harrywas offended.
Why was Harry assuming theworst in her?
Before we talk about how toresolve this, I will say that
Pam's company should coach itsemployees to assume positive
intent, to reflect before theyreact and to be more emotionally
resilient.
And if you would like help withthis kind of stoic
communication and well-beingtraining, please get in touch.
(08:00):
I love doing this kind of work,sarahmycatelcom.
Back to Harry and Pam.
So why might Harry be under theimpression that Pam wanted to
insult him.
Several factors could be atplay here Temperament Some
people are just naturally wiredto be more distrustful and
stressed.
Experience Harry may have ahistory of overly critical
(08:23):
colleagues and bosses.
And also situation Harry mayfeel under tremendous pressure
right now in his role, maybe inhis family life.
And there is also somethingcalled the fundamental
attribution error.
Attribution theory says that weattribute people's behavior to
internal factors, such asintentions what we're talking
(08:46):
about today and also externalfactors, and that's things like
traffic, things that are outsideof our control.
However, we often attributeother people's behavior to
internal circumstances and ourown behavior to external
circumstances.
So he's late because he's lazy,but I'm late because my train
was delayed.
That is the fundamentalattribution error.
(09:08):
There is also theory of mind,and this is our ability to
understand that we all havedifferent perspectives,
different intentions, values,etc.
We can't read each other'sminds, but we often forget this
and assume that if someoneoffends us, they intended to
offend us.
They must be thinking just likeus and they know what's going
(09:29):
to make us mad.
And then we make thefundamental attribution error.
We assume somebody made us madbecause they're a bad person,
instead of considering whatmight be going on in their life,
whether they actually intendedto hurt us or whether we are
wrong, and they didn't sayanything offensive at all.
Of course the Stoics say we needto take a step back and realize
(09:51):
that a lot of our firstimpressions of a situation are
false impressions.
Having said that, if your goodintentions have unintended
negative consequences, acceptwhat happened and remedy the
situation.
When Harry comes to her, pamfeels defensive, but she wisely
reflects before she responds.
Okay, what is my role here?
(10:13):
Who do I want to show up?
As she decides.
She wants to show up as acaring and competent leader of
this project.
She says to herself I valueclear communication and being
open to ideas and suggestions.
So Pam sets the intention tolisten to Harry with an open
mind.
She appreciates that he came toher instead of stewing negative
(10:34):
emotions by himself, and sheconsiders her role in this
misunderstanding.
Pam decides that the wisestcourse of action is to address
the situation in the teammeeting.
So at the beginning of themeeting she says Hi everyone.
It's important that I clearsomething up.
My email from earlier today cameacross to some as questioning
(10:56):
your dedication.
I didn't intend for this toneof voice at all.
I know how hard you work and Iam just so grateful for each and
every one of you.
My goal with that email wassimply to alert you to changes
and to say all hands on deck, weare in this together and I
value each and every one of you.
Cultivate thoughts that reflectthe kind of person you want to
(11:21):
be.
Wisdom comes from learning frommistakes and adjusting your
actions in the future.
Pam could have said you are alla bunch of babies Grow up, we
are under a tight deadline andyou're whining about an email as
making our situation worse, butwhat outcome would that have
resulted in?
What intention would she havebeen speaking from?
(11:42):
That wouldn't have helpedanyone, including herself.
Instead of reacting out ofemotion, pam showed up as a
leader.
She tried to see things fromthe other side.
She listened, she clarified herintentions and she restored
harmony to the team, and now sheknows how to more effectively
communicate with them next time.
(12:02):
Responding this way is liketaking care of the environment.
It is the right thing to do andit also just makes good
business sense.
After this conversation, pamand her colleagues literally
felt much better.
Science suggests that the way weperceive someone's intentions
has an effect on our physicalexperience.
(12:24):
There is a study called thepower of good intentions.
Perceived benevolence soothespain, increases pleasure and
improves taste, and they wantedto see if what we think about a
person's intentions can alterour perceptions of pleasure and
pain.
In one of their studies,participants received electric
(12:46):
shocks and they thought thatthey were receiving these shocks
either by mistake, by a meanperson on purpose, or by someone
with good intentions who wasshocking them so they had a
chance to win a prize.
Participants felt the most painfrom the shocks when they
thought the intent was maliciousthe person was trying to hurt
(13:07):
them.
They felt the least amount ofpain from the benevolent
shockers.
Those were the people who weretrying to help them win money.
When we think somebody's beingmalicious, we feel worse, but if
we think they've got our bestinterests at heart, the same
circumstance can feel better.
This comes in especially handywhen giving somebody
(13:27):
constructive feedback at work.
Taylor hired a junior employeenamed Jordan who has just given
his first presentation.
Jordan left out some importantdata and his slides didn't
follow brand guidelines.
Taylor wants to give Jordanfeedback without discouraging
him.
Now the key is to framepositive intent.
If Taylor doesn't frame hisgood intentions or consider his
(13:51):
words beforehand, theconversation risks going
something like this Jordan, youforgot to include the data we
needed in your presentation andthe formatting was wrong.
Did no one tell you how weusually present?
And then Jordan might respondoh, I spent hours on that
presentation.
I wanted to share something new.
Did you hate all of it?
Alternatively, taylor canemphasize the purpose of the
(14:14):
conversation beforehand, whichis to help Jordan.
So Taylor could say Jordan,first off, I loved your
enthusiasm that you brought toyour presentation.
I can tell that you really careabout your work and you have
been such a valuable addition tothe team.
May I share some guidance tohelp improve your next
presentation?
And Jordan will probably saysure, we have certain branding
(14:36):
that we use.
I'm sorry if nobody told you,but our slides need to adhere to
that.
I also noticed that some keydata from operations was missing
.
In response, jordan might saysomething like oh, I am so sorry
that I forgot to include theoperation slide.
That won't happen again.
As for the format, I was tryingsomething new, but I understand
if there's a standard deck tofollow.
That actually makes my life alot easier.
(14:57):
By setting the tone and beingclear on intentions, taylor and
Jordan can have a much moreproductive conversation focused
on Jordan's growth.
To sum all of this up clean upyour intentions before you
communicate and your life isgoing to flow a lot more
smoothly.
This is the solution to half oflife's problems.
You want the message peoplereceive to be as close as
(15:20):
possible to what you intended tosay, but, as you know, a lot
gets lost in translation.
People make fundamentalattribution errors.
They filter our words throughtheir own personality, their
experience, their presentsituation.
They forget that we can't readtheir minds.
Ideally, intentions lead topositive outcomes and socially,
(15:42):
this builds trust between people.
On the flip side, when youdon't do what you say you're
going to do or your actions haveunintended consequences,
relationships can really suffer.
When you are communicating withpeople, consider how your
message could be received andadjust to have the impact you
want.
Before you speak, ask yourselfwhat your intention is and what
(16:06):
outcome you're seeking.
Does this line up with yourvalues and who you want to be?
Are your intentions having theimpact that you want?
Are your actions aligned withwhat you say is important to you
?
This is what I love coachingpeople on, if you would like to
feel and to also be seen assomebody who communicates with
clarity, with confidence, withgood intention.
(16:29):
Go to sarahmygatellcom and booka free conversation with me.
Together we can elevate yourspeaking style so you can have
the influence and impact youwant.
In the words of Lao Zhu watchyour thoughts, they become your
words.
Watch your words, they becomeyour actions.
Watch your actions, they becomeyour habits.
(16:51):
Watch your habits they becomeyour character.
Watch your character, itbecomes your destiny.
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