Conflict: 4 Stoic Solutions for Managing Difficult Conversations

Why do we get angry? How can we challenge our immediate reactions? And what's the best way to articulate our feelings without passive aggression or a blow-up? 

In this episode, you'll learn  four Stoic tips to turn potential conflicts into opportunities for personal growth and stronger relationships.

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Calm Your Nerves in 90 Seconds is a free anxiety-reduction toolkit with a guided meditation and journal to help you communicate with confidence.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
What do you do when somebody makes you really mad?
Do you yell?
Do you calmly address thesituation?
If you're like most of myclients, you'll get passive,
aggressive or say nothing at all.
In today's episode, I'm givingyou four stoic solutions to help
you manage conflict, includingall that drama you just make up

(00:21):
in your mind.
As my key turns in the door, myheart swells with sleepy joy.
I will soon be in my own bed.
Getting from my family's housein New England to my one-bedroom
flat in old England takes about20 hours of trains, planes,
automobiles, security andpassport control.

(00:41):
So when my artist friend, joe,who'd stayed at my place, texted
that he'd cleaned my carpet asa way to say thanks, I imagined
walking into a sparklingapartment and fresh linens to
sink into.
But as soon as I open the door,I know something is wrong.
My vegetarian home reeks offish.

(01:03):
I am not sure if it's cookingresidue or the big black garbage
bag leaking in the kitchen.
Dishes wait for me in the sink.
Coconut oil smears, the knivesand spoons left on the counter,
onion peels and other scrapslitter the floor like peanut

(01:23):
shells in a dive bar.
The scene reminds me of thetime a squirrel slid down my
grandmother's chimney and wentberserk in her house chewing up
her wooden banister along withsome carrots.
And I am not a neat freak.
My motivation to clean usuallycomes when I'm procrastinating

(01:44):
on something else.
But this is too much even forme.
I put my shoes back on and walkthe trash to the community bins
.
Then, instead of going to sleep, I get on my hands and knees
and scrub the stench out of thewood flooring of my kitchen.
So what am I going to say toJoe about this?
I'm a pretty chill person, butthere was a time when I would

(02:07):
have flipped out over thesituation Like what the F were
you thinking?
Leaving my place like that?
That is so disrespectful.
This is what I would have beenthinking in my mind.
But, being highly conflictavoidant, I would have either
said nothing, talked about himbehind his back or never spoken
to him again.
Stoicism has taught me that thisis not a rational response.

(02:28):
When we get mad at someone, weoften don't explore why we are
angry.
Instead, when we're triggered,we make snap judgments and
declare that someone else is thejerk.
Stoicism tells us to pause, getcurious about our thoughts and
observe the bigger picture.
Here are some dirty kitchenthoughts.

(02:48):
He thinks he can take advantageof me.
He doesn't respect me.
He doesn't care about ourfriendship.
He used me.
Stoicism tells us to challengethe truth of these first
impressions and accept or rejectthem based on rational thinking
.
How you choose to think aboutyour circumstance will determine

(03:08):
your emotional state.
I'll say that again becauseit's very important how you
choose to think about yourcircumstance will determine your
emotional state.
My response to the Joe situationintrigues me.
I'm not mad.
Okay, I'm a little annoyed whenI first walk in and it's stunk,
but I'm not furious.
I don't take the state of myapartment as a personal attack,

(03:31):
as if Joe's trying to hurt me.
I'm more curious, like what wasgoing on in his mind to leave
the place like this, taking amoment to reflect.
I know the mess has nothing todo with his respect for me.
Most likely he was eithercareless or running to catch a
train.
Either way, it has nothing todo with my character and zooming

(03:52):
out, it's not a big deal.
No one bombed my home.
But I feel like I should saysomething to Joe.
First I have to figure out, one, why I want to say something
and two, what outcome do I want?
Well, a tiny part of me wantsto tell him off.
That's not a good reason totalk to someone.
I don't want the purpose ofwhat I say to be unkind.

(04:15):
Trying to hurt someone justdoes not align with my values.
Here's a better reason to talkto Joe To help him preserve his
future relationships byunderstanding that he should
clean up after himself, in myopinion at least.
Maybe other people thought theway he left the apartment was
totally fine.
When Joe texts me, here's how Irespond hey mate, thanks so much

(04:35):
for cleaning the carpet, a taskI wouldn't have thought to do
myself.
I don't want you to think thatI don't appreciate your effort,
but when I came back, I wassurprised to find a bag of open
garbage in my kitchen and foodon the counter and on the floor.
I'll give you the benefit ofthe doubt that you were running
to catch a train and didn't havetime to clean.
I'm telling you this because Iknow that you respect other

(04:56):
people and the next time youstay at someone's place I don't
want you to give them the wrongimpression.
I'm glad that you relaxed whileyou were here and I hope your
week is off to a good start.
A few minutes later, joe writesback and apologizes.
He says he hadn't known whereto put the garbage.
I accept this and we move onwith life.
I'm still surprised by how fastconflicts can be resolved

(05:17):
through dialogue.
As an introverted enneagramnine, I agonize when
relationships feel out ofalignment and historically I
tried ignoring this kind ofdiscomfort, but it would always
be looping anxiously in the backof my mind.
As a communication coach, I'velearned what to say during
uncomfortable conversations, butit's stoicism that gave me the

(05:39):
courage to say the words and thewisdom to see that my
interpretation of events is minealone.
Was my conflict with Joe realor drama?
I created in my head A thoughtto challenge.
For the most part I can stayangry at someone if I try, but
before stoicism I did stopspeaking to a few people rather

(06:03):
than have an uncomfortableconversation, and I wonder now
what would have happened if I'dhad the courage to talk to them,
if I'd gotten curious abouttheir intentions instead of just
assenting to the idea that theybetrayed me.
Back in my living room I pick upa winter solstice card that Joe
left for me.
In it he tells me that, afterlosing all his belongings,

(06:28):
staying at my place felttherapeutic.
When Joe was a kid.
His mother's boyfriend burnedtheir house to the ground.
He lost everything.
Two other guys she dated endedup in prison for killing people,
and when I see a teen momsmoking a cigarette and pushing
a prem, I imagine Joe's life asa baby and my heart hurts.

(06:50):
These days, joe lives off gridin the woods where he makes
nettle tea in a home that he'sslowly building himself.
His floors are literally dirt,so I forgive him for not
noticing crumbs at my place, andwhile Joe didn't tidy the
kitchen, it turns out that hewashed my windows and made a few
other home improvements.

(07:11):
I put down Joe's card and,feeling a second wind, I decide
to stay up until bedtime.
This has all worked out for thebest.
This is going to help me getover my jet lag and later, when
I wrap myself in my duvet andclose my eyes, I will give
thanks for the simple pleasureof having a roof over my head.
More importantly, I'll begrateful I could offer this

(07:35):
comfort to a friend.