How to be Remembered

The Science of Connection: Building Bonds Through Small Acts of Love

In this episode, I share a brief moment with my nephew that opened up a bigger question: How do we create the kind of presence that people remember? 

I explore the science of likability, the concept of “Love 2.0,” and why the smallest gestures – eye contact, laughter, a kind word – have long-lasting emotional and health benefits. This isn’t about being charming or chosen. It’s about how we choose to show up.

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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.

***

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
My nearly three-year-old nephew slips his
hand in mine as we walk aroundmy parents' front yard.
This is the last time he willsee me before I get on a plane
to go home.
My other home, aunt Sarah.
I love you, he spontaneouslysays, and this shocks me.

(00:23):
It's like a punch in the gut ina good way.
My eyes start to water and I'mthinking I can't believe you
even remember who I am.
I love you too.
I say why do you have to live inEngland?
He asks, and I'm stillbewildered and basking in the

(00:43):
glow of his I love you.
And I'm thinking I can'tbelieve you like me this much.
I'm not thinking this in aself-loathing way, but more of a
curiosity way.
Me, you love me.
How do you remember me?
I have lived so far away for solong.
And then he says I want you tolive here.

(01:06):
And so my expat existentialcrisis deepens.
Where should I be?
What am I doing with my life?
How can I leave this kid?
As we walk along the grass handin hand, I try to come up with
an answer that makes sense forhim why am I not here?
And I eventually say I wasliving in England way before you

(01:30):
were born.
I built my life there, and I'mthinking and I still have an
important life here, and perhapsanother day I will talk more
about expat angst and how weforever feel torn between two or
more places.
Today, though, I'm thinkingmore about how am I able to have

(01:51):
such an incredible bond with mynephew, who is now seven?
How are we still so connected,even though I've lived an ocean
away his entire life?
Yes, we FaceTime frequently.
Yes, I come back to the Statesmuch more often and for longer
periods of time since he's beenborn.
Yes, there's the novelty ofAunt Sarah's visits adding

(02:13):
dopamine hits to his dailyroutine, but mostly, I think
it's love, unconditional love,and my overwhelming desire for
his happiness and good health,and he radiates this love back.
This is going to sound a littlerandom, but stay with me here.

(02:35):
Growing up, I loved the Simpsons, and this scene with Lisa and
Mo has always stuck with me.
Mo, listen, lisa, I don't likeyou and you don't like me, but
we both want to stop Homer fromshooting a turkey.
Lisa, you don't like me, I likeyou, mo, you do.

(02:55):
Then I like you too.
End scene.
Now, lisa and Mo didn't loveeach other like family, but that
simple exchange which stillmakes me laugh.
It sparked a liking for oneanother.
Sometimes increasing youraffection for someone can be
that easy.
You've probably heard or saidsome version of I thought she

(03:18):
hated me, but now we're bestfriends.
How incredible would this worldbe if we assumed liking and
just cut through all those yearsof misunderstandings and the
drama in our heads.
Instead of withdrawing fromsomeone we think doesn't like us
, what if we just practicedliking them instead?

(03:39):
If this sounds too difficult orfar-fetched, consider the
science and the Stoics.
Psychologist Mitch Prinstein,who studies popularity,
describes two types ofpopularity One, status, which is
based on visibility orinfluence, and two, likability,
and this is rooted in warmth,kindness and emotional

(04:02):
generosity.
And while status earnsattention in the immediate term,
it's likability that leads tobetter friendships, stronger
support systems and long-termwell-being.
So what makes somebody likable?
Studies show that people whoare warm, attentive, emotionally

(04:23):
uplifting these are the peoplewho smile, who show interest,
who offer encouragement they aremore likely to be liked and
included.
And these likable gesturesdon't have to be grand.
Barbara Fredrickson, an expertin positive psychology, says we

(04:43):
should create micro moments ofpositivity resonance.
These are brief, bondingexperiences like eye contact, a
shared laugh, a short exchangewith somebody, and these moments
are not just for friends andfamily.
Fredrickson says that we shouldextend this warmth beyond our

(05:04):
inner circle to strangers,acquaintances, colleagues.
She calls this love 2.0.
And the Stoics had another wordfor expanding our care beyond
our immediate circle, and thisword is oikiosis.
We're expanding our interestand our care beyond our inner

(05:25):
circle and it doesn't take muchWishing someone a good day,
saying oh my gosh, I love thatbook when you see a stranger
reading it on the subway,offering to carry a heavy bag.
To quote Fredrickson from herbook Love 2.0, love blossoms
virtually anytime two or morepeople, even strangers, connect

(05:48):
over a shared positive emotion.
End quote.
In these moments, ourbiochemistry and behaviors start
to sync with the other person.
She says there's this emotionalresonance where your breath,
facial muscles, even heartbeatscan attune to one another.
It's your body's way of sayingwe're in this together.

(06:10):
This is what creates positivityresonance, and it's not just
about fleeting emotional boosts.
These micro moments have real,lasting effects.
They release oxytocin, calm thenervous system and improve
vagal tone, which supportseverything from heart health to

(06:32):
emotional regulation.
And over time, these small actsof connection lower stress,
deepen relationships and reduceanxiety and depression and
reduce anxiety and depression.
I love this passage fromFredrickson's book Love 2.0.
A single gust of wind, after itmoves on, hardly alters the

(06:55):
shape of a tree.
Yet when you find all the treesin a given area leaning
decidedly to the west, you cansee the lasting effects of the
prevailing winds.
The new science of positivityresonance tells us that when you
make love your prevailingdesire, you remake whole domains

(07:16):
of your life.
You become appreciably andenduringly different and better.
You uplift others, helping thembecome different and better as
well.
End quote.
We can generate love.
We don't have to wait to bechosen.
We choose how we show up.

(07:38):
We choose to love.
The effects build over time andthey shape us.
This past weekend I took mynephew indoor swimming at a
hotel in Newport, rhode Island,gilded age forever.
I love that place and it was areally sunny day, so everybody
was outside in the outdoor pooland we had the indoor place all

(08:00):
to ourselves.
And he says let's sing WhiteChristmas.
And he says this because I tookhim to this place in December
and he is remembering usswimming around and singing
Christmas carols.
And back then he also saidlet's pretend we're 40 and
thinking back to Christmas whenwe were seven or eight, and I

(08:23):
love that.
Kids are hilarious and they'realso profound.
So here it is July and we aresinging White Christmas Because
he remembered that's the effectof the prevailing winds.
Small moments of love, againand again, and again, and I love

(08:44):
these experiences with mynephew.
But love isn't something wesave for special people or rare
occasions.
It's something we createdeliberately daily, and this is
through laughter, jokes, a kindquestion or hanging out in the
checkout line and makingconversation with somebody.

(09:05):
Love and likability aren'tabout being chosen.
They're about how we show up,how we choose to be, what we
choose to bring into this world,and sometimes the smallest
gestures stick with people,shaping how they feel, even from

(09:28):
far away, even years later.