July 31, 2023 • 21 mins
We often hear how negative self-comparisons can be, especially when it comes to social media. But what if we could use comparison as a force for good? A tool to help us grow and flourish at work and in our personal lives? Great news, we can!
Today you’ll learn how to stop negatively comparing yourself to others and start measuring your progress in healthier and more productive ways. Plus, you’ll learn the scientific theory about why you’re actually more likable the less perfect you are.
Hi, I'm your host, Sarah Mikutel. Ready to take this work deeper and radically transform your life? Let's talk. Book your call here.
Does the phrase “public speaking” make you feel a little sick…even if it’s just a team meeting or a group conversation?
I made something to help you.
Calm Your Nerves in 90 Seconds is a free anxiety-reduction toolkit with a guided meditation and journal to help you communicate with confidence.
Use it anytime your brain goes into overdrive and you need a reset.
https://sarahmikutel.com/reset
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Live Without Borders, a podcast about
how to live the good lifethrough stoicism, personal
development and culturalexploration.
I'm your host, sarah Micatell,an American in England who's
here to help fellow citizens ofthe world like you make the most
of the brief time you have hereon Earth.
It is time to make every momentmatter.
I'm about to complete theeighth and final week of my
(00:25):
beginner's improv class, andimprov, in case you don't know,
is improvisational performance.
It's a kind of theater that iscreated spontaneously without
any scripts and the performersare just making up everything on
the spot, based on suggestionsfrom the audience or some other
kind of prompt.
And the thought of thisoriginally gave me a heart
(00:47):
attack, but this is why I wantedto do it.
It's a comfort zone exercise tostretch out of your comfort
zone.
So on the first day walkinginto this class and to be honest
with you, the whole train ridethere, my heart was just racing
with anxiety.
This was public speaking,combined with that nightmare
where you forgot that youenrolled in a course and now
(01:08):
it's time to take the final.
So this was a beginner's class,so I kind of assumed that other
people would feel like me or atleast have the same level of
training, even out of the 14 ofus.
Many were like me, but some ofthe guys in my class could rival
Jerry Seinfeld.
They are just so hilarious andloud and they don't seem to have
(01:30):
a self-conscious bone in theirbody.
And I have never thought ofmyself as somebody who compares
herself to others.
I don't feel jealous seeingpeople do cool things on social
media, because I like to do coolthings in real life too.
I don't spend a ton of my lifeonline.
I like to just go out and trythings myself.
I enjoy being inspired by otherpeople without judging myself
(01:54):
against them.
But my improv class has made merealize that I do engage in
moments of comparison.
Of course I do.
Most people compare themselves,at least occasionally, to other
people.
It's part of being a humanbeing, whether it's a sibling or
a business competitor or someother random person on the
internet.
We evaluate how we're doingagainst how somebody else is
(02:17):
doing, and we often hear hownegative comparisons are,
especially when it comes tosocial media.
But what if we could usecomparison as a force for good,
a tool to help us grow andflourish at work and in our
personal lives?
We can.
Today.
You will learn how to stopnegatively comparing yourself to
other people and startassessing your progress in
(02:38):
healthier and more productiveways.
Plus, you will learn thescientific theory about why
you're actually more likeablethe less perfect you are.
Let's go.
I and many others in my classjoined improv to get better at
thinking on my feet.
Other people joined due tostressful jobs and they wanted
dedicated time to play aroundand be creative.
(03:00):
Other people joined the classbecause they liked the idea of
performing on stage and want towork up to doing that, and most
of us also want to practicesimply getting out of our heads
and being more in the moment.
During our time together, wehave played games and invented
theatrical scenes, often basedon one word prompt.
(03:20):
So somebody shouts out bananaand then you're often running
with a scene partner, creating awhole world around this banana.
We've had to sing, become wackycharacters, move in odd ways,
speak only using strange noises.
I felt a little awkward Okay, alot awkward doing this, but
some of the guys just reallyfully embraced their character
(03:41):
transformation and went all inno fear, fully committed.
This made me feel like theworst person in class, like, oh
god, I didn't realize this was acomedy show.
Even when our teacher told usto tone it down and just do a
normal scene, the skits keptescalating and I felt pressure
to compete, so in the beginningI was very much in full fight or
(04:03):
flight.
Humans have a natural tendencyto make objective and subjective
comparisons with other people,and comparisons play a big part
in our self-esteem and how wesee ourselves.
Objective comparisons arequantifiable.
They involve tangible measuresthat most people agree on, like
grades, certifications, income,material possessions.
(04:25):
You either achieve this thingor you possess this thing or you
don't.
We don't need a lot ofinterpretation of anything.
Subjective comparisons arebased more on how you see the
world.
It's your opinion.
So this is things likeattractiveness, talent,
happiness, success.
You're judging people based onhow you perceive them, according
to your values, yourperspective, your state of mind.
(04:48):
At the time when we compareourselves to others, we are also
making upward and downwardcomparisons.
According to social comparisontheory, we have a tendency to
compare ourselves against thepeople who we perceive to have
more than us or are betterskilled than us.
These upward comparisons oftenmake us feel bad about ourselves
.
Jealousy comes up, inadequacy,feelings of self doubt and
(05:11):
upward comparisons are onereason that so many people quit
things well before they reallyget started, and we did have a
few people drop out of ourimprov class.
We just don't want reminders ofhow much we suck, and so we
withdraw.
We often forget about thepeople who don't have as much as
we do or who aren't as skilled.
Measuring ourselves againstthose people would be called a
(05:34):
downward comparison.
When you make externalcomparisons from a judgy point
of view, you block the threepsychological needs that are
required to stay motivated.
According to self-determinationtheory, these are the need to
feel competence, relatedness andautonomy.
So competence we want to feellike we are good at what we do
(05:54):
and we want other people to seeus that way too.
When we negatively compareourselves to others, our sense
of competence and self-esteemgoes down and we get frustrated.
Then there's relatedness wewant to feel like people like us
, that we are part of a team,that we are cared for, we are
supported.
When we spend our time judgingourselves against others, we're
(06:15):
putting up a barrier.
Collaboration becomescompetition and we don't get
that feeling of connection thatwe're looking for.
We feel like we don't belong.
And then there's autonomy wewant to feel like we have
control over our lives.
Of course, most things are notin our control, but we can
choose how to respond tosituations.
To reflect before we react, tozoom out and be more realistic
(06:37):
and mindful about the situationand the thoughts going on in our
heads.
To challenge first impressions,we can choose to see the world
through different perspectivesand we forget how much we have
control of when we are focusedon unhelpful comparisons.
As improv class progressed, Ipracticed managing my mind,
including remembering the Stoicprinciple it's not things that
(07:00):
upset us, but what we make themmean.
I stopped comparing myself tomy classmates and celebrated the
fact that I kept showing up.
I chose to keep coming back.
This was in my control and Ichose to participate in all the
exercises, even the ones thatmade me feel like a total weirdo
.
This honored my values ofperseverance and bravery.
(07:20):
I started to get out of my headand be more fully present for
my scenes.
Our teacher made a really greatpoint that when we are
overthinking, we're notlistening.
So instead of worrying abouthow I would look, I started
connecting more with my scenepartner and just going with the
flow.
Our teacher cultivated a verysupportive environment where we
(07:40):
were encouraged to make mistakesand just have fun.
As a class, we embraced eachother's creative ideas, and to
witness all these little storiesunfold out of nowhere felt
truly magical.
And as I collaborated with theother students and relaxed my
guard, my own competence grew.
I enjoy developing scenes nowand I am less concerned with how
(08:03):
I'm presenting or if I'm beingjudged.
A few people in class have eventold me that they love my
improv style, which theydescribe as more conversational,
and the fact that people thinkI'm good at this came as a total
shock.
At first I seriously felt likeI was the worst.
Their feedback increased mysense of freedom to interpret my
scenes in my own way, and Iwill admit that I did enjoy this
(08:26):
external validation, and I dolike when I get a laugh in class
.
Because, let's be real,extrinsic rewards do motivate us
.
We might love our job, butwe're also doing it for the
money.
We like keeping a roof over ourhead and good food on the table
.
But, as we know by now, it'sintrinsic rewards that truly
light us up.
Intrinsic goals reflect who weare as people, our values, our
(08:50):
interests.
We feel an internal drive topursue them and we feel happy
and fulfilled when we do.
External goals can make ushappy too, but this is a
different kind of satisfactionand often isn't as long-lasting.
The motivation needs to comefrom within, and that is a big
part of that self-determinationtheory that I mentioned.
(09:11):
When we feel autonomy,competence, relatedness, we're
more driven by purpose andvalues, and this is more
fulfilling than extrinsicmotivators.
When we lack feelings ofautonomy, competence and
relatedness, that's when ourself-esteem dips and we go
searching for externalrecognition of our self-worth.
(09:33):
Before my class, I don't think Ihad been to an improv show, at
least not in any language that Ispeak well, and the idea
sounded a little boring andawkward.
If I'm honest, I really didn'twant to watch people doing
improv on stage, but I guess thetruth is I hadn't put a ton of
thought in it at the time.
I just thought, hmm, I'm notsure that's for me, but since
starting my class I have seentwo improv shows by people who
(09:56):
are actually experienced doingthis kind of thing and I laughed
my head off the entire time.
And, as I mentioned, some of myclassmates are hysterical.
I'm sure some of that comes bynature, but it turns out that
they've also taken comedyclasses and have even done
stand-up, so it turns out thatthey are more advanced than me
(10:17):
when it comes to performance andit would be unreasonable for me
to be on their level from thestart.
But my upward comparison ofthem doesn't have to be negative
and is, in fact, positive.
Now, while I have noaspirations to be a comedian, my
classmates have inspired me tolet go more, to commit to the
(10:37):
scene, to get into character, tohave fun, to aim higher.
They have shown me what'spossible and I might even do a
stand-up comedy class at somepoint.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah, it's true, it
interests me.
This would be an intrinsicallymotivated goal, inspired by that
positive upward comparison.
These kind of comparisonsmotivate us to keep learning,
(11:01):
keep trying, keep playing, keepexploring new ways of thinking
that we haven't consideredbefore.
Stories about people trying andfailing and getting back up
again.
This gives us something to aimfor.
If he can do it, I can do it.
When you catch yourself innegative comparison, flip it to
appreciation for what others canteach you, and also to what you
(11:23):
already have to offer.
Instead of wishing you hadsomebody else's skill or
personality, view them as rolemodels.
How can they help you grow?
What mistakes have they madethat you can just leap over and
avoid?
What can you learn from themthat you can blend into your own
unique style?
Downward comparison when you'recomparing somebody who doesn't
(11:45):
have as much as you, that can bean act of gratitude, especially
when the downward comparison iscomparing present you to former
you and how far you've come.
So celebrate your achievements.
You have learned a lot, youhave changed, grown.
You are somebody else's rolemodel.
Comparisons are natural.
It's up to us to choose to usethem in a constructive way.
(12:08):
So if you want to flourish,focus on the positives of upward
comparison and downwardcomparison.
If you want to reduce the amountof negative self-comparison in
your life, there are a few otherthings that you can do.
Number one be self-aware.
Recognize what's triggering thecomparison.
Did somebody else start abusiness that you have been
thinking about but haven't actedon?
(12:29):
Did you see a friend's Hawaiianvacation on social media and
why do you care about this?
What does it have to do withyour life?
Really think about it.
What is the fact behind thesituation?
What are you making it mean?
Is this side to your personalvalues, your personal growth, or
is it related to externalvalidation or envy or feelings
(12:50):
of what would other people think?
Research suggests that theintensity of our comparison
depends on how much we careabout the thing being compared.
So the relevance also howsimilar we are to the person
we're comparing ourselvesagainst.
And the physical proximity tothe person.
How often are we seeing them?
Have a think, is there apattern to the comparisons you
(13:11):
make?
How is it impacting your mood?
Next up, challenge your negativethoughts.
Take a step back and look atthe facts of the situation.
Are you setting unrealisticstandards for yourself?
Are you comparing how much youearn to somebody who has 10
years more experience?
Are you comparing the size ofyour house to the size of a
friend who inherited $5 million?
(13:32):
Let's say, somebody in yourfield keeps sharing her monthly
income on social media and it'smuch higher than yours.
You might think I can't believeshe's making so much money than
me.
It's not fair.
I work just as hard, if notharder, but I'm nowhere near her
level of success.
Why don't people think I'm asgood as her?
What does she have that I don'thave?
Am I a failure?
(13:53):
There's a lot ofovergeneralizing and
self-judgment going on there,and this can lead to self-doubt
and perhaps even a desire togive up.
There's something calledscarcity mindset and this is the
belief that there is a limitedamount of success available in
the world.
Limited resources, limitedpositive things to go around,
and scarcity mindset can make usfeel really jealous, like we'll
(14:15):
never keep up.
We have to keep working harder,pushing further to try to get a
piece of the pie, and it cancause the opposite in a lot of
people.
When we keep our focus oneverything that we don't have,
what we're lacking, this canoften cause people to just spin
around and not take any actionto change the situation.
An alternative way to look atthe example of somebody posting
(14:36):
her monthly income on socialmedia is that this person has a
lot more experience.
Maybe she hired a businesscoach.
She shows up every day talkingto her audience.
Maybe these are things that youhaven't done.
Take a realistic look at yourefforts.
What goals did you set?
What tasks did you assign tothose goals?
Did you deliver or did you faffaround waiting for inspiration?
(14:59):
I'm not saying you did, butthese are things to consider.
Okay, tough love, talk over.
When we slip into scarcity mode,our attention goes into what
people are trying to take awayfrom us.
Focusing on what we cancontribute feels a lot better.
So does focusing on our owngrowth.
Someone else's success doesn'tsteal away from our potential.
(15:20):
So accept and honor where youare now.
Again, when it comes to upwardcomparison, consider what
lessons you can learn frompeople rather than envying them.
Be happy for them, and rememberthat judging people based on
external criteria misses a lotof the story.
You don't know anything abouttheir character or their values
or their sense of well-being.
There are a lot of unhappy richpeople.
(15:41):
We are all in different pathsand who we are as people isn't
tied to our income or how manyhouses we have.
It's tied to how we live ourlives.
Are we living from our values?
And finally, recognize yourprogress?
Self-comparison causes a lot ofemotions to come up.
This includes feelings ofembarrassment, which is what I
felt at the beginning of improv.
(16:03):
Recognizing your progress helpsyou shift out of these negative
emotions by admiring how faryou've come.
This more growth-orientedmindset feels much better than
negative comparison.
It's more realistic and it'smore motivating.
In the book the ProgressPrinciple, the authors emphasize
the importance of settingspecific goals and celebrating
(16:25):
small wins, not just bigaccomplishments.
We want to feel like we aremaking progress in an area of
our life, something that'smeaningful to us, and when we
experience the positive emotionsthat come with accomplishment,
we feel intrinsically motivatedto go after more small wins.
Our brain wants to keep thispleasurable positive
reinforcement loop going.
(16:45):
This increases both confidenceand competence.
Step by step, this leads us toachieving much larger goals.
What strengths and skills haveyou developed this year that
have positively impacted yourlife?
How are you keeping track ofthis progress?
I love talking about growthmindset and it's one of the best
(17:06):
ways to pull you out ofunhelpful comparisons and also
cowardly living.
Stanford's Carol Dweckdeveloped the concept of growth
mindset and if you haven't readher book Mindset Yet, definitely
get it on the list.
At its core, the book is aboutthe power of yet the word, yet
that is, you might not be whereyou want to be.
Yet People with a growthmindset believe that we can
(17:28):
learn new things.
People with a fixed mindsetbelieve that our abilities are
limited and that if you don'thave a natural gift at something
, you'll never be good.
Most people have a fixedmindset until they hear about
this theory and then theyrealize oh yeah, I've never done
this before.
Why did I assume I would beamazing from the start or bad
(17:49):
forever?
Growth mindset is the belief inyour ability to improve through
effort.
It's belief in yourself.
It's loving the challenge.
People with a growth mindsetview failure as a learning
opportunity and they are open tofeedback.
They welcome opportunities todevelop their skills.
They see other people's successas inspiration instead of
(18:11):
threats, and they are committedto gradual improvement and
enjoying the process.
They are not obsessing over theend game.
They're putting in the hardwork and they know that that's
part of the journey and that'swhat they're on board for.
Here are some questions toconsider.
What fixed mindset beliefsmight you be hanging onto?
What lesson can you take awayfrom something that didn't work
(18:34):
out the way you wanted?
What is one challenge you canstart embracing with a growth
mindset?
These are all good things tojournal about this week.
Okay, we're feeling good, we'reready to grow, we're ready to
be inspired and we're gonna befine with falling on our face.
Growth mindset there is someevidence that people actually
like us more when we do fall onour face, when we do mess up.
(18:55):
This is called the pratfalleffect.
Spilling a drink, falling down,sharing a vulnerability these
things make us seem more humanto people, more warm, more
relatable, as long as we aregenerally perceived to be
competent and not a hot mess.
This reminds me of the karaokescene in my best friend's
wedding, which I just rewatchedon the plane recently.
(19:18):
Cameron Diaz's characterdoesn't wanna sing karaoke, but
she ends up being forced intothe situation.
She's very beautiful and preppy.
She's even wearing pearls, sopeople probably assume that
she's got a nice voice.
But when she opens her mouthpeople are just shocked at how
bad she is.
But she perseveres and the roomrallies around her.
They start to find her horrificsinging utterly charming and
(19:42):
her fiance falls more in lovewith her.
She becomes more human.
She's not just this preppyblonde lady with a cardigan
draped around her shoulders.
She becomes even more likablebecause she just went for it.
And this is related to my improvteacher's greatest advice Just
commit, don't half-ass it.
As long as you commit, peoplewill get behind you.
(20:03):
These are wise words for lifein general Commit, don't compare
.
Find people who believe in youbut, most importantly, believe
in yourself.
Growth mindset.
My experience in improv hasn'tbeen about becoming someone else
.
It's been about becoming abetter version of me, a more
self-actualized version ofmyself.
(20:23):
I wish the same self-discoveryand growth for you.
How can I help If you are readyto stretch yourself, I invite
you to book a call with me.
We will explore your specificgoals and how we could work
together so you can gain theconfidence and skills you need
to create the life that you havebeen dreaming about.
Go to sarahmygattelcom to bookyour call.
(20:43):
That's all for now.
Thanks for listening and have abeautiful week wherever you are
.
Welcome to Live Without Borders, a podcast about
how to live the good lifethrough stoicism, personal
development and culturalexploration.
I'm your host, sarah Micatell,an American in England who's
here to help fellow citizens ofthe world like you make the most
of the brief time you have hereon Earth.
It is time to make every momentmatter.
I'm about to complete theeighth and final week of my
(00:25):
beginner's improv class, andimprov, in case you don't know,
is improvisational performance.
It's a kind of theater that iscreated spontaneously without
any scripts and the performersare just making up everything on
the spot, based on suggestionsfrom the audience or some other
kind of prompt.
And the thought of thisoriginally gave me a heart
(00:47):
attack, but this is why I wantedto do it.
It's a comfort zone exercise tostretch out of your comfort
zone.
So on the first day walkinginto this class and to be honest
with you, the whole train ridethere, my heart was just racing
with anxiety.
This was public speaking,combined with that nightmare
where you forgot that youenrolled in a course and now
(01:08):
it's time to take the final.
So this was a beginner's class,so I kind of assumed that other
people would feel like me or atleast have the same level of
training, even out of the 14 ofus.
Many were like me, but some ofthe guys in my class could rival
Jerry Seinfeld.
They are just so hilarious andloud and they don't seem to have
(01:30):
a self-conscious bone in theirbody.
And I have never thought ofmyself as somebody who compares
herself to others.
I don't feel jealous seeingpeople do cool things on social
media, because I like to do coolthings in real life too.
I don't spend a ton of my lifeonline.
I like to just go out and trythings myself.
I enjoy being inspired by otherpeople without judging myself
(01:54):
against them.
But my improv class has made merealize that I do engage in
moments of comparison.
Of course I do.
Most people compare themselves,at least occasionally, to other
people.
It's part of being a humanbeing, whether it's a sibling or
a business competitor or someother random person on the
internet.
We evaluate how we're doingagainst how somebody else is
(02:17):
doing, and we often hear hownegative comparisons are,
especially when it comes tosocial media.
But what if we could usecomparison as a force for good,
a tool to help us grow andflourish at work and in our
personal lives?
We can.
Today.
You will learn how to stopnegatively comparing yourself to
other people and startassessing your progress in
(02:38):
healthier and more productiveways.
Plus, you will learn thescientific theory about why
you're actually more likeablethe less perfect you are.
Let's go.
I and many others in my classjoined improv to get better at
thinking on my feet.
Other people joined due tostressful jobs and they wanted
dedicated time to play aroundand be creative.
(03:00):
Other people joined the classbecause they liked the idea of
performing on stage and want towork up to doing that, and most
of us also want to practicesimply getting out of our heads
and being more in the moment.
During our time together, wehave played games and invented
theatrical scenes, often basedon one word prompt.
(03:20):
So somebody shouts out bananaand then you're often running
with a scene partner, creating awhole world around this banana.
We've had to sing, become wackycharacters, move in odd ways,
speak only using strange noises.
I felt a little awkward Okay, alot awkward doing this, but
some of the guys just reallyfully embraced their character
(03:41):
transformation and went all inno fear, fully committed.
This made me feel like theworst person in class, like, oh
god, I didn't realize this was acomedy show.
Even when our teacher told usto tone it down and just do a
normal scene, the skits keptescalating and I felt pressure
to compete, so in the beginningI was very much in full fight or
(04:03):
flight.
Humans have a natural tendencyto make objective and subjective
comparisons with other people,and comparisons play a big part
in our self-esteem and how wesee ourselves.
Objective comparisons arequantifiable.
They involve tangible measuresthat most people agree on, like
grades, certifications, income,material possessions.
(04:25):
You either achieve this thingor you possess this thing or you
don't.
We don't need a lot ofinterpretation of anything.
Subjective comparisons arebased more on how you see the
world.
It's your opinion.
So this is things likeattractiveness, talent,
happiness, success.
You're judging people based onhow you perceive them, according
to your values, yourperspective, your state of mind.
(04:48):
At the time when we compareourselves to others, we are also
making upward and downwardcomparisons.
According to social comparisontheory, we have a tendency to
compare ourselves against thepeople who we perceive to have
more than us or are betterskilled than us.
These upward comparisons oftenmake us feel bad about ourselves
.
Jealousy comes up, inadequacy,feelings of self doubt and
(05:11):
upward comparisons are onereason that so many people quit
things well before they reallyget started, and we did have a
few people drop out of ourimprov class.
We just don't want reminders ofhow much we suck, and so we
withdraw.
We often forget about thepeople who don't have as much as
we do or who aren't as skilled.
Measuring ourselves againstthose people would be called a
(05:34):
downward comparison.
When you make externalcomparisons from a judgy point
of view, you block the threepsychological needs that are
required to stay motivated.
According to self-determinationtheory, these are the need to
feel competence, relatedness andautonomy.
So competence we want to feellike we are good at what we do
(05:54):
and we want other people to seeus that way too.
When we negatively compareourselves to others, our sense
of competence and self-esteemgoes down and we get frustrated.
Then there's relatedness wewant to feel like people like us
, that we are part of a team,that we are cared for, we are
supported.
When we spend our time judgingourselves against others, we're
(06:15):
putting up a barrier.
Collaboration becomescompetition and we don't get
that feeling of connection thatwe're looking for.
We feel like we don't belong.
And then there's autonomy wewant to feel like we have
control over our lives.
Of course, most things are notin our control, but we can
choose how to respond tosituations.
To reflect before we react, tozoom out and be more realistic
(06:37):
and mindful about the situationand the thoughts going on in our
heads.
To challenge first impressions,we can choose to see the world
through different perspectivesand we forget how much we have
control of when we are focusedon unhelpful comparisons.
As improv class progressed, Ipracticed managing my mind,
including remembering the Stoicprinciple it's not things that
(07:00):
upset us, but what we make themmean.
I stopped comparing myself tomy classmates and celebrated the
fact that I kept showing up.
I chose to keep coming back.
This was in my control and Ichose to participate in all the
exercises, even the ones thatmade me feel like a total weirdo
.
This honored my values ofperseverance and bravery.
(07:20):
I started to get out of my headand be more fully present for
my scenes.
Our teacher made a really greatpoint that when we are
overthinking, we're notlistening.
So instead of worrying abouthow I would look, I started
connecting more with my scenepartner and just going with the
flow.
Our teacher cultivated a verysupportive environment where we
(07:40):
were encouraged to make mistakesand just have fun.
As a class, we embraced eachother's creative ideas, and to
witness all these little storiesunfold out of nowhere felt
truly magical.
And as I collaborated with theother students and relaxed my
guard, my own competence grew.
I enjoy developing scenes nowand I am less concerned with how
(08:03):
I'm presenting or if I'm beingjudged.
A few people in class have eventold me that they love my
improv style, which theydescribe as more conversational,
and the fact that people thinkI'm good at this came as a total
shock.
At first I seriously felt likeI was the worst.
Their feedback increased mysense of freedom to interpret my
scenes in my own way, and Iwill admit that I did enjoy this
(08:26):
external validation, and I dolike when I get a laugh in class
.
Because, let's be real,extrinsic rewards do motivate us
.
We might love our job, butwe're also doing it for the
money.
We like keeping a roof over ourhead and good food on the table
.
But, as we know by now, it'sintrinsic rewards that truly
light us up.
Intrinsic goals reflect who weare as people, our values, our
(08:50):
interests.
We feel an internal drive topursue them and we feel happy
and fulfilled when we do.
External goals can make ushappy too, but this is a
different kind of satisfactionand often isn't as long-lasting.
The motivation needs to comefrom within, and that is a big
part of that self-determinationtheory that I mentioned.
(09:11):
When we feel autonomy,competence, relatedness, we're
more driven by purpose andvalues, and this is more
fulfilling than extrinsicmotivators.
When we lack feelings ofautonomy, competence and
relatedness, that's when ourself-esteem dips and we go
searching for externalrecognition of our self-worth.
(09:33):
Before my class, I don't think Ihad been to an improv show, at
least not in any language that Ispeak well, and the idea
sounded a little boring andawkward.
If I'm honest, I really didn'twant to watch people doing
improv on stage, but I guess thetruth is I hadn't put a ton of
thought in it at the time.
I just thought, hmm, I'm notsure that's for me, but since
starting my class I have seentwo improv shows by people who
(09:56):
are actually experienced doingthis kind of thing and I laughed
my head off the entire time.
And, as I mentioned, some of myclassmates are hysterical.
I'm sure some of that comes bynature, but it turns out that
they've also taken comedyclasses and have even done
stand-up, so it turns out thatthey are more advanced than me
(10:17):
when it comes to performance andit would be unreasonable for me
to be on their level from thestart.
But my upward comparison ofthem doesn't have to be negative
and is, in fact, positive.
Now, while I have noaspirations to be a comedian, my
classmates have inspired me tolet go more, to commit to the
(10:37):
scene, to get into character, tohave fun, to aim higher.
They have shown me what'spossible and I might even do a
stand-up comedy class at somepoint.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah, it's true, it
interests me.
This would be an intrinsicallymotivated goal, inspired by that
positive upward comparison.
These kind of comparisonsmotivate us to keep learning,
(11:01):
keep trying, keep playing, keepexploring new ways of thinking
that we haven't consideredbefore.
Stories about people trying andfailing and getting back up
again.
This gives us something to aimfor.
If he can do it, I can do it.
When you catch yourself innegative comparison, flip it to
appreciation for what others canteach you, and also to what you
(11:23):
already have to offer.
Instead of wishing you hadsomebody else's skill or
personality, view them as rolemodels.
How can they help you grow?
What mistakes have they madethat you can just leap over and
avoid?
What can you learn from themthat you can blend into your own
unique style?
Downward comparison when you'recomparing somebody who doesn't
(11:45):
have as much as you, that can bean act of gratitude, especially
when the downward comparison iscomparing present you to former
you and how far you've come.
So celebrate your achievements.
You have learned a lot, youhave changed, grown.
You are somebody else's rolemodel.
Comparisons are natural.
It's up to us to choose to usethem in a constructive way.
(12:08):
So if you want to flourish,focus on the positives of upward
comparison and downwardcomparison.
If you want to reduce the amountof negative self-comparison in
your life, there are a few otherthings that you can do.
Number one be self-aware.
Recognize what's triggering thecomparison.
Did somebody else start abusiness that you have been
thinking about but haven't actedon?
(12:29):
Did you see a friend's Hawaiianvacation on social media and
why do you care about this?
What does it have to do withyour life?
Really think about it.
What is the fact behind thesituation?
What are you making it mean?
Is this side to your personalvalues, your personal growth, or
is it related to externalvalidation or envy or feelings
(12:50):
of what would other people think?
Research suggests that theintensity of our comparison
depends on how much we careabout the thing being compared.
So the relevance also howsimilar we are to the person
we're comparing ourselvesagainst.
And the physical proximity tothe person.
How often are we seeing them?
Have a think, is there apattern to the comparisons you
(13:11):
make?
How is it impacting your mood?
Next up, challenge your negativethoughts.
Take a step back and look atthe facts of the situation.
Are you setting unrealisticstandards for yourself?
Are you comparing how much youearn to somebody who has 10
years more experience?
Are you comparing the size ofyour house to the size of a
friend who inherited $5 million?
(13:32):
Let's say, somebody in yourfield keeps sharing her monthly
income on social media and it'smuch higher than yours.
You might think I can't believeshe's making so much money than
me.
It's not fair.
I work just as hard, if notharder, but I'm nowhere near her
level of success.
Why don't people think I'm asgood as her?
What does she have that I don'thave?
Am I a failure?
(13:53):
There's a lot ofovergeneralizing and
self-judgment going on there,and this can lead to self-doubt
and perhaps even a desire togive up.
There's something calledscarcity mindset and this is the
belief that there is a limitedamount of success available in
the world.
Limited resources, limitedpositive things to go around,
and scarcity mindset can make usfeel really jealous, like we'll
(14:15):
never keep up.
We have to keep working harder,pushing further to try to get a
piece of the pie, and it cancause the opposite in a lot of
people.
When we keep our focus oneverything that we don't have,
what we're lacking, this canoften cause people to just spin
around and not take any actionto change the situation.
An alternative way to look atthe example of somebody posting
(14:36):
her monthly income on socialmedia is that this person has a
lot more experience.
Maybe she hired a businesscoach.
She shows up every day talkingto her audience.
Maybe these are things that youhaven't done.
Take a realistic look at yourefforts.
What goals did you set?
What tasks did you assign tothose goals?
Did you deliver or did you faffaround waiting for inspiration?
(14:59):
I'm not saying you did, butthese are things to consider.
Okay, tough love, talk over.
When we slip into scarcity mode,our attention goes into what
people are trying to take awayfrom us.
Focusing on what we cancontribute feels a lot better.
So does focusing on our owngrowth.
Someone else's success doesn'tsteal away from our potential.
(15:20):
So accept and honor where youare now.
Again, when it comes to upwardcomparison, consider what
lessons you can learn frompeople rather than envying them.
Be happy for them, and rememberthat judging people based on
external criteria misses a lotof the story.
You don't know anything abouttheir character or their values
or their sense of well-being.
There are a lot of unhappy richpeople.
(15:41):
We are all in different pathsand who we are as people isn't
tied to our income or how manyhouses we have.
It's tied to how we live ourlives.
Are we living from our values?
And finally, recognize yourprogress?
Self-comparison causes a lot ofemotions to come up.
This includes feelings ofembarrassment, which is what I
felt at the beginning of improv.
(16:03):
Recognizing your progress helpsyou shift out of these negative
emotions by admiring how faryou've come.
This more growth-orientedmindset feels much better than
negative comparison.
It's more realistic and it'smore motivating.
In the book the ProgressPrinciple, the authors emphasize
the importance of settingspecific goals and celebrating
(16:25):
small wins, not just bigaccomplishments.
We want to feel like we aremaking progress in an area of
our life, something that'smeaningful to us, and when we
experience the positive emotionsthat come with accomplishment,
we feel intrinsically motivatedto go after more small wins.
Our brain wants to keep thispleasurable positive
reinforcement loop going.
(16:45):
This increases both confidenceand competence.
Step by step, this leads us toachieving much larger goals.
What strengths and skills haveyou developed this year that
have positively impacted yourlife?
How are you keeping track ofthis progress?
I love talking about growthmindset and it's one of the best
(17:06):
ways to pull you out ofunhelpful comparisons and also
cowardly living.
Stanford's Carol Dweckdeveloped the concept of growth
mindset and if you haven't readher book Mindset Yet, definitely
get it on the list.
At its core, the book is aboutthe power of yet the word, yet
that is, you might not be whereyou want to be.
Yet People with a growthmindset believe that we can
(17:28):
learn new things.
People with a fixed mindsetbelieve that our abilities are
limited and that if you don'thave a natural gift at something
, you'll never be good.
Most people have a fixedmindset until they hear about
this theory and then theyrealize oh yeah, I've never done
this before.
Why did I assume I would beamazing from the start or bad
(17:49):
forever?
Growth mindset is the belief inyour ability to improve through
effort.
It's belief in yourself.
It's loving the challenge.
People with a growth mindsetview failure as a learning
opportunity and they are open tofeedback.
They welcome opportunities todevelop their skills.
They see other people's successas inspiration instead of
(18:11):
threats, and they are committedto gradual improvement and
enjoying the process.
They are not obsessing over theend game.
They're putting in the hardwork and they know that that's
part of the journey and that'swhat they're on board for.
Here are some questions toconsider.
What fixed mindset beliefsmight you be hanging onto?
What lesson can you take awayfrom something that didn't work
(18:34):
out the way you wanted?
What is one challenge you canstart embracing with a growth
mindset?
These are all good things tojournal about this week.
Okay, we're feeling good, we'reready to grow, we're ready to
be inspired and we're gonna befine with falling on our face.
Growth mindset there is someevidence that people actually
like us more when we do fall onour face, when we do mess up.
(18:55):
This is called the pratfalleffect.
Spilling a drink, falling down,sharing a vulnerability these
things make us seem more humanto people, more warm, more
relatable, as long as we aregenerally perceived to be
competent and not a hot mess.
This reminds me of the karaokescene in my best friend's
wedding, which I just rewatchedon the plane recently.
(19:18):
Cameron Diaz's characterdoesn't wanna sing karaoke, but
she ends up being forced intothe situation.
She's very beautiful and preppy.
She's even wearing pearls, sopeople probably assume that
she's got a nice voice.
But when she opens her mouthpeople are just shocked at how
bad she is.
But she perseveres and the roomrallies around her.
They start to find her horrificsinging utterly charming and
(19:42):
her fiance falls more in lovewith her.
She becomes more human.
She's not just this preppyblonde lady with a cardigan
draped around her shoulders.
She becomes even more likablebecause she just went for it.
And this is related to my improvteacher's greatest advice Just
commit, don't half-ass it.
As long as you commit, peoplewill get behind you.
(20:03):
These are wise words for lifein general Commit, don't compare
.
Find people who believe in youbut, most importantly, believe
in yourself.
Growth mindset.
My experience in improv hasn'tbeen about becoming someone else
.
It's been about becoming abetter version of me, a more
self-actualized version ofmyself.
(20:23):
I wish the same self-discoveryand growth for you.
How can I help If you are readyto stretch yourself, I invite
you to book a call with me.
We will explore your specificgoals and how we could work
together so you can gain theconfidence and skills you need
to create the life that you havebeen dreaming about.
Go to sarahmygattelcom to bookyour call.
(20:43):
That's all for now.
Thanks for listening and have abeautiful week wherever you are
.
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