It’s Supposed to Suck Right Now

Struggling to start something new because you're afraid of looking foolish? This episode is your permission slip to begin. You’ll learn how Stoic philosophy and growth mindset can help you move through discomfort, let go of perfectionism, and build real confidence – one imperfect step at a time. If you’ve been overthinking or biting your tongue, this conversation will help you shift into action.

Read the transcript

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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun. 

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.

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Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? 

I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.

Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
My friend's little boy is crying.
For the past 20 minutes he hasbeen following a YouTube
tutorial, carefully drawing eachline, but when he looks at his
finished picture, it does notmatch what's on the screen.
I didn't do it right and thetears flow harder.
He's treating this gap betweenhis first attempt and a polished

(00:22):
adult drawing as a personalfailure, and most of us can
relate to this, even when weknow the difference between a
fixed and a growth mindset.
We want to be amazing ateverything on our very first
attempt, because then we don'thave to be embarrassed.
No one has to see us struggle.
We try to control how peopleperceive us by attempting to

(00:44):
look perfect, and this oftenmeans hiding or not trying
anything new.
A fixed mindset, as you mayknow, is the belief that we are
born with certain naturalabilities and that's it.
You are good at something oryou're not.
A growth mindset is the beliefthat we can all grow and improve
.
A growth mindset is the beliefthat we can all grow and improve

(01:07):
and learning.
This changed my life becauseuntil then, I had been afraid of
looking stupid and I let thatfear impact how I showed up in
this world.
If we haven't met yet hello,I'm Sarah Mikatel and I'm a
coach who especially loveshelping people feel more
confident in how they expressthemselves and relate to others.
I'm also an American in Englandwho loves talking about

(01:30):
stoicism, connection, globalexploration and the emotional
freedom that comes with a growthmindset.
In her TED Talk and her bookMindset, stanford professor
Carol Dweck likes to talk aboutthe power of the word yet
meaning.
We can use this word as ahelpful tool to remind ourselves
that we are learning somethingnew.

(01:52):
So of course, we're not goingto be good at it Yet.
To quote from her bookSelf-Theories in contrast to the
helpless pattern, some studentsseek out difficult tasks and
pour effort into them.
These mastery-orientedindividuals thrive on challenge.
Their sense of worth is nottied to immediate success but to

(02:16):
the process of learning andimprovement.
End quote.
It's unreasonable to think thatwe should be masterful at
something we've never donebefore, but many of us fall into
this trap.
We want to leap over what isreferred to as the messy middle,
because that stage of growthfeels really uncomfortable.

(02:37):
The other day, one of myclients was telling me about a
few business ideas that she had,and when she spoke about one of
them in particular, her wholebody lit up, she smiled, her
body became more animated, shespoke faster, with excitement.
She's been thinking about thisidea for a long time.
It's an idea that I think isvery brilliant.

(02:58):
She's been thinking about thisfor years, but she hasn't moved
forward on it.
And as we talked it became clearthat, one, she's stuck in
analysis, paralysis, that muddy,stuck feeling of drowning in
too much research.
And two, she's afraid ofjudgment and rejection.
And this feeling, this messymiddle, this being stuck in the

(03:23):
mud, it feels kind of chaotic,both stuck and chaotic at the
same time, because you're goingaround and around in your head
trying to think of the perfectsolution before moving forward,
because then no one can see youmess up, no one can say anything
about you.
So we think, but that doesn'twork, because the only way to

(03:44):
move forward is to move forward,to take action, to test things,
to try, and that will feeluncomfortable too.
But this kind of discomfortfeels a whole lot better than
just spinning your wheels,because you're actually moving
forward to become the person youwant to be.
You are taking brave action,making progress on your goals.

(04:08):
Becoming great that is, thehighest version of yourself is
not designed to feel great, it'sdesigned to challenge you and
to change you.
Appreciate the struggle.
This is learning.
Accept that pain is part of theprocess.
Literally say to yourself thisis the part where it's hard.
Appreciate the struggle.

(04:30):
Accept the pain.
This is the part where it'shard.
It won't always be like this,and simply accepting the reality
will bring some ease.
If you want to do something fun,exciting, different, like sell
tacos from a truck, move toIstanbul, sell everything you
own and live out of a van, youare going to have naysayers,

(04:53):
people who judge, people whoreject your dreams.
This will happen no matter whatpath you pursue in life.
So take the path that you wantto be on.
Usually, people's judgments arenot about you.
They are about their ownpreferences and often their
opinions are about their concernfor you.
When I quit a great job inManhattan so I could go live in

(05:16):
Rome for a while, all but ahandful of people told me I was
insane.
A recession was kicking off,and they were really concerned
for me, and their worry had mesecond guessing myself.
So I had a decision to makeListen to people who rejected
the kind of life I wasinterested in or try something
new, and for me, that was livingla dolce vita in Rome for a

(05:39):
while and I chose the latter,and this set me up for a
promotion when I returned to NewYork and later Italian
citizenship.
I'm not saying you should ignoreadvice or charge ahead with no
concern for others.
I am saying your belief inyourself needs to be stronger
than other people's doubts, andif you do something like start a

(06:02):
business or a podcast oranything where you increase your
visibility or it goes againstthe norm, you will have people
who give you hate online.
Unfortunately, this is theprice of admission these days.
You have to dust yourself offand keep showing up for the
people who believe in you andthat includes yourself and you
have to be willing to makemistakes.

(06:24):
As Epictetus said, if you wantto improve, you have to be okay
with looking dumb in areas thatdon't matter.
He's saying that sacrificingshort-term comfort is worth it
if it helps you stay focused onwhat really matters Wisdom,
integrity, inner progress,living by your values.
That means letting go of yourpreoccupation with how you

(06:48):
appear to other people andchoosing virtue over validation.
And Carol Dweck agrees with himthat we should sacrifice our
egos for a more enriching life.
To quote her from Self Theoriesagain.
If your intelligence can beincreased, why not do that?
Why waste time worrying aboutlooking smart or dumb when you

(07:10):
could be becoming smarter?
And in fact, students with thisview will readily sacrifice
opportunities to look smart infavor of opportunities to learn
something new.
End quote.
Both Epictetus and Carol Dweckwould likely agree that if you
want to improve, you have to beopen to appearing imperfect.

(07:32):
If you want to achieve yourpotential, stop prioritizing
external praise.
If you want to exploresomething new, you have to risk
being misunderstood.
In my early 20s, I spent asummer in Siena.
I was working on my thesis andwandering around medieval
streets, and I met my friendRana in a beginner Italian class

(07:56):
.
In Arabic, her name meanseye-catching or glittering
object.
In Italian Rana means frog, andshe found this hilarious.
We did not have much in commonaside from being American.
She was loud and adventurous.
I was observational and I willgive myself some credit.
I was adventurous too, as longas the adventure didn't involve

(08:18):
me looking stupid.
Rana got me to do things likeride a motorino through the
Tuscan countryside, which was ascharming and dangerous as it
sounds.
She lived boldly and I admiredthat.
One evening we are sitting inPiazza del Campo, siena's
medieval main square whereeveryone gathers at night, rana,

(08:38):
beer bottle in hand, strikes upa conversation with the guys
next to us.
In Italian.
I don't say a word, not becauseI don't know how well I don't
really, but even if theconversation had been in English
, I probably would have been tooshy to open my mouth.
In fact I know I would havebeen.
One of the guys actually askedwhy I wasn't talking and Ronna

(08:58):
explained that I worried that Icouldn't express myself the way
I wanted to.
Or maybe she said that Iworried that I couldn't express
myself the way I wanted to, ormaybe she said that I was too
embarrassed by my Italianlanguage skills.
But I remember watching her andthinking how does she do this
so easily?
Some people are so lucky to beborn that extroverted and I
still think that some people arewired to be more outgoing.

(09:20):
But I also now know that we canall become more easygoing and
experimental and bold.
We can all tap into our Ranaenergy, otherwise known as a
stoic or growth mindset.
You might be afraid to trysomething new.
Accept that this is normal anddo the scary thing anyway.
Learn from your mistakes.

(09:42):
See them as growthopportunities, to quote Carol
Dweck again from her bookMindset many growth-minded
people didn't even plan to go tothe top.
They got there as a result ofdoing what they love.
It's ironic the top is wherethe fixed mindset people hunger
to be, but it's where manygrowth-minded people arrive as a

(10:04):
byproduct of their enthusiasmfor what they do.
This point is also crucial.
In the fixed mindset,everything is about the outcome.
If you fail or if you're notthe best, it's all been wasted.
The growth mindset allowspeople to value what they're
doing regardless of the outcome.
End quote.

(10:25):
It feels hard until it doesn't.
And the beauty is in thetoughness, that messy middle,
that muck that we're strugglingwith.
That is your brain rewiringitself as it acquires new
knowledge.
What do you want to learn thisyear?
What's holding you back fromstarting?
What's one imperfect stepyou're willing to take today?