Mind Reading Isn't a Sign of Love

Have you ever thought: “If they really loved me, they’d just know without me having to say it.”

But expecting someone to intuit your needs isn’t romantic – it’s magical thinking. In this episode, I talk about why unspoken expectations lead to disappointment, the shift you need to make for real connection, and why clarity is one of the most generous things you can offer in a relationship.

Read the transcript.

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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

If you're ready to stop procrastinating so you can live the life you truly want – let’s talk.

Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? 

I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.

Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I'm visiting my eight-year-old nephew, and I

(00:02):
pick up a stuffed animal withhis gut spilling out.
What happened to this toy?
I ask.
Mario chewed him up, my nephewsays.
I put the stuffed animal back onthe dining room table.
It must be really confusing fordogs, I say.
They don't know the differencebetween a dog toy and a child's
toy.
All of their toys look the same.
I've always thought of that itwas strange that humans expect

(00:24):
animals to magically comprehendthe rules that we make up.
Fetch this plastic bottle thatwe found here in the park, but
don't you dare take it out ofthe trash later.
Scratch this post, but do notscratch that sofa leg that looks
exactly the same.
We can't fault our pets for notunderstanding our logic.
And I would say the same goesfor people too.

(00:47):
Most of us, perhaps withoutrealizing it, assume other
people can read our minds.
And when they don't do what wewant, but haven't said, we get a
little annoyed, like they arewillfully not following the
program.
Or we get frustrated that theyseem incapable of doing so.
If he really cared about me, Iwouldn't have to tell him.

(01:08):
He would just know.
We've all had thoughts likethis, and it's about as fair as
getting mad at your dog for notoffering to help with the dishes
after you already said you'd dothem.
And as a coach, I hear versionsof this mind-reading wish all of
the time.
He saw me rubbing my shoulder.
Why didn't he ask me if I wanteda shoulder rub?

(01:28):
His gifts are so impersonal.
I am not a flower person.
I spend so much time finding theperfect thing for him.
We want our friends and ourpartners and our families to
intuit our thoughts.
Okay, not every thought, onlyour wishes.
Somewhere along the way, we gotinto our heads that if someone
truly loved us, they'd know whatwe'd want and they would grant

(01:52):
these desires without us havingto say anything.
And this isn't romantic, it'smagical thinking.
And keeping quiet buildsresentment.
We need to shift from if theycared, they'd just know, to if I
care, I will make myself known.

(02:12):
The ancient Stoics would saythis is a much more reasonable
way to think.
According to them, thedifference between humans and
dogs is that we are capable ofrational thought.
We just don't always use it.
Wishing that somebody could readyour mind and then just do
whatever you wanted is not arational way of thinking.

(02:37):
And so we need to challengethese thinking traps.
Why do we have this secret wishthat people will just know what
we want and act on it?
Well, one of the reasons youmight be holding back from
saying what you want is the fearthat you might not get it, that
you'll be rejected, ignored, notlistened to.

(02:57):
But if you don't ask, you'llnever know, and then you're just
rejecting yourself before anyoneelse can.
So ask for the shoulder rub.
Explain why you would ratherreceive a matchbox that he saved
on your first date from therestaurant than an expensive
bouquet.
And you still might be grippingonto that notion like that's not

(03:21):
romantic.
If he really loved me, he wouldjust know, no.
The ability to read your minddoes not equal how much someone
loves you.
That goes for men and women.
Sure, after you share what'simportant to you, they can put
in some effort, but first youneed to verbalize what's going

(03:42):
on internally with you.
This clarity is kindness.
And the connection that you wantbegins with communication.
And once someone knows whatmatters to you, then they can
choose how to show up.
And that is a much more rationalway to assess somebody's
character.
And they probably do want tomake you happy because in the

(04:06):
end, we are all a little likedogs.
We love you and we are justlooking for a little direction.
That's all for now.
I am Sarah Michatel, yourcommunication and mindset coach.
And if you've been listening fora while, you know that I love
talking about stoicism,connection, global exploration.

(04:26):
If you want to learn more, visitSarahMichatel.com.