October 14, 2023 • 20 mins
Introvert Emergency Kit
Click here if you're ready to become a less anxious, more charismatic public speaker.
When it comes to public speaking, what exactly are you afraid of?
Most people I talk to don’t explore their fears at all – and this makes them worse.
The thought of public speaking brings up such uncomfortable feelings that they try to ignore them or stuff them down – which is why they continue to suffer from speaking anxiety, one of the most common fears in the world.
How is an amorphous ‘fear of fear’ holding you back and keeping you quiet?
I’m Sarah Mikutel, your communication and mindset coach. By the end of this episode, you will know:
- what you’re really afraid of when you say you don’t like public speaking – no more amorphous clouds of discomfort,
- how anxiety manifests in our mind and body and why not managing it is so harmful,
- the beliefs underlying the four different flavors of public speaking anxiety, and
- Stoic practices you can do to let go of anxiety so you can more eloquently express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
So no more holding in what you want to say and then internally screaming when someone else voices what you’d been thinking. It’s time to start feeling more calm and confident when you speak.
Let’s dive in.
Does the phrase “public speaking” make you feel a little sick…even if it’s just a team meeting or a group conversation?
I made something to help you.
Calm Your Nerves in 90 Seconds is a free anxiety-reduction toolkit with a guided meditation and journal to help you communicate with confidence.
Use it anytime your brain goes into overdrive and you need a reset.
https://sarahmikutel.com/reset
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
When it comes to public speaking.
What exactly are you afraid of?
Most people I talk to don'texplore their fears at all, and
this makes them worse.
The thought of public speakingbrings up such uncomfortable
feelings that they try to ignorethem or stuff them down, and
this is why they continue tosuffer from speaking anxiety.
And this is one of the mostcommon fears in the world.
(00:22):
So how is an amorphous fear offear holding you back and
keeping you quiet?
Hi, I'm Sarah Micotel, yourCommunication and Mindset Coach,
and by the end of this episodeyou are going to know what
you're really afraid of when yousay you don't like public
speaking, how anxiety manifestsin your mind and your body, and
(00:43):
why not managing it is soharmful.
You'll know the beliefsunderlying the four different
flavors of speaking anxiety andyou will learn stoic practices
you can do to let go of anxietyso you can more eloquently
express your thoughts, feelingsand ideas.
So no more holding in what youwant to say and then internally
screaming when somebody elsevoices what you had been
(01:06):
thinking.
It is time to start feelingmore calm and confident when you
speak.
During his first inauguralspeech in 1933, president
Franklin D Roosevelt said theonly thing we have to fear is
fear itself.
The United States was ineconomic crisis.
Millions of Americans wereunemployed, businesses were
(01:27):
failing and people werepanicking.
Roosevelt knew that fear andanxiety were exasperating the
crisis.
People were withdrawing moneyfrom their banks, making
fear-based decisions, and thismade the economic situation
worse.
And more recently we saw asimilar panic during the COVID
pandemic, when people werehoarding groceries.
(01:47):
And this idea that our worriesabout a future event are often
much worse than the actual eventitself.
This goes back at least to theancient stoics.
Nearly 2,000 years ago.
Seneca said we suffer more inimagination than in reality.
This is true for publicspeaking as well.
The fear of speaking in publicis worse than actually speaking
(02:10):
in public.
People come to me and say Ihate public speaking.
I've always hated it, but I'mat this point in my career where
I need to move past this.
I'm sick of anxiety.
It's holding back my career.
It's tinder my relationships.
I just don't know what to dowith this fear.
But what are they actuallyafraid of?
Often, we carry a vague sense ofanxiety or apprehension about
(02:31):
speaking up without giving anyconsideration to what's really
concerning us.
The first step in addressingthe Samorphous Fear is to name
it and bring it into focus.
Ask yourself what exactlyyou're afraid of when it comes
to speaking up.
Is it the fear of being judged,saying the wrong thing, not
being heard?
(02:51):
Maybe it's something else.
When you get more specificabout your fear, you can
demystify it, you can challengeits validity and you can make it
more manageable.
Pay attention to how speakinganxiety shows up in how you
think, feel and act.
If you're feeling anxious aboutspeaking, you might struggle to
find your words, find itdifficult to focus, speak with a
(03:15):
shaky voice, speed up your rateof speech, fidget, avoid eye
contact, criticize yourself,assume other people are judging
you.
You might start sweating,tremble, blush.
You might stay quiet.
The anxiety, nervousness andself-doubt attached to our fear.
This blocks our ability tocommunicate.
(03:36):
We worry we'll make mistakes,forget what we want to say and
that our audience will judge usfears that are often not based
in reality.
This rumination can become aself-fulfilling prophecy.
When our fear of failure makesus so nervous that we stumble
over our words and spin out, ourconfidence takes a hit and we
(03:57):
stay in a loop of assuming theworst, and then we deliver on
that.
The cycle continues.
Not learning to manage yourspeaking anxiety can have major
impacts on all areas of yourlife.
People might think you're notinterested in them or the work
that you do.
You might sit out onopportunities you really want to
try.
Plus, the constant stress isbad for your mental and physical
(04:18):
health.
But the good news is that youcan learn to get a handle on
your anxiety and become anexcellent speaker.
The first step is figuring outwhat makes you nervous in the
first place.
You may feel more anxiousdepending on who you're talking
to, what you're talking about,the type of communication
scenario you find yourself in,and there's also a genetic
(04:38):
component to this.
You might feel fine going to aparty where you won't know most
of the people, but have a panicattack about the speech you're
going to give at your friend'swedding.
There are four common types ofspeaking anxiety, which
researcher James McCroskey callscommunication apprehension, and
he defines this as fear oranxiety associated with either
(05:01):
real or anticipatedcommunication with another
person or persons.
Public speaking anxiety is oneof the most common fears there
is, and it's not limited tospeaking on stage.
People panic in all sorts ofcommunication situations,
including meetings, interviews,even casual conversations, when
someone feels the spotlight ison them.
(05:22):
I can definitely relate to that.
The four types of communicationapprehension are trait-based,
context-based, audience-basedand situation-based.
If you want to become a moreconfident and competent speaker,
consider which audiences orcommunication scenarios trigger
your anxieties so you can followstrategies to manage them.
(05:43):
Here is an explanation of eachtype Trait-based anxiety People
with trait anxiety were likelyborn predisposed to feeling
anxious about speaking.
In most situations, for example,you feel anxious whenever you
speak, whether it's with afriend or in a formal situation.
Context-based anxiety thisdepends on the specific kind of
(06:08):
speaking scenario there is.
So you might generally feelvery comfortable having
one-on-one conversations withyour colleagues, but if you have
to present in front of all ofthem at once, you usually feel
nervous the change in thecontext of your communication.
So discussion versuspresentation this is what
triggers the anxiety.
(06:28):
Then there's audience-basedanxiety, and this is based on
the presence of a specificperson or group of people.
It's not about the kind ofcommunication or where you're
doing it, but who you'reactually talking to.
For example, you might feelfine presenting ideas in front
of your team, your immediateteam, but panic when sharing the
same ideas with your board ofdirectors.
(06:49):
If you identify with this, askyourself why you might feel
anxious in front of certainaudiences.
Is it fear of judgment?
If you're getting a bad review,fear they'll find out you don't
know what you're doing.
Being asked questions canclarify your fears and help you
combat them.
Then there's situation-basedanxiety, and situation-based
(07:11):
anxiety comes about duringspecific, more one-off
circumstances rather thanongoing fears based on audience
or environment or how manypeople are going to be there.
For example, you might reallyenjoy one-on-one conversations
most of the time, but you're ona first date and now you're
really freaked out and yourheart is pounding, at least at
(07:31):
first.
After a few minutes you'reprobably going to be fine.
So where does communicationapprehension come up for you?
Is it when speaking withsomebody who seems higher status
or who you perceive to be moresuccessful, speaking in front of
a large audience versusone-on-one giving a toast at the
wedding?
Maybe you're always nervouswhen it comes to public speaking
(07:54):
or speaking with anyone, sodoes it depend on the audience,
the context, the situation?
Was this a trait that you wereborn with?
What are you actually afraid ofwhen you're speaking in public?
Start thinking about fear as achallenge.
That will help you grow insteadof a permanent obstacle.
And, by the way, if you wouldlike, in-the-moment pep talks to
(08:17):
help you through communicationanxiety.
Grab my introvert emergency kit.
The link is in the episodenotes.
Let's really break this downusing Stoics psychology.
More than 2,000 years ago, theStoics practiced challenging the
unhelpful thoughts that poppedinto their minds.
They said we really need todissect our worries and our
vices, to see them for what theyreally are.
(08:40):
They took a lot of inspirationfrom Socrates, who famously said
the unexamined life isn't worthliving.
This means getting curiousabout our world and also what is
happening in our own minds.
Most people accept theirthoughts as facts, but thoughts
are simply your opinions basedon your experience.
What do you believe?
(09:01):
Why you open to changing yourmind?
What is guiding you?
Who is influencing you?
We can use the Stoic theory ofemotions to manage our speaking
anxiety.
Their framework says this ishow humans operate.
Something happens, somethingmakes an impression on us.
Then we take a step back andevaluate our first impression.
(09:25):
When we ascent to thisimpression as being correct or
we don't agree that it's correctand if we do ascent to it and
agree that our impression istrue, then we feel an impulse to
take some kind of action.
That is the ideal scenariowhere we're taking time to
evaluate our initial impressions.
(09:46):
Often people just skip thatpart and immediately accept that
what they're thinking is true.
And when they're agreeing tothese irrational thoughts,
that's when full blown passionscan occur.
And passions, in Stoic speak,are negative emotions.
There are positive passions aswell, but that is a story for
(10:07):
another time.
Here's an example.
Let Stoic Lee break downMichelle's fear of presenting in
front of her colleagues.
Michelle is the story here.
She spent hours the day beforerevising her slides on her
team's latest product launch.
She knows her stuff, she has agreat relationship with her
colleagues.
But as she stands in front ofthe room before the meeting
(10:28):
begins, her heart races, shestarts to sweat and now she's
panicking.
She's not going to be able tothink clearly.
These involuntary sensations,or pre-emotions probithiai,
these aren't in Michelle'scontrol.
But what comes next is butthese pre-emotions?
They are instinctual.
Michelle's fight-or-flightresponse is kicking in to keep
(10:49):
her safe.
Stoic said that this is anatural part of life.
This is totally understandable,but then we need to take a step
back and bring the rationalpart of our brain back online.
Michelle has received animpression that she is not safe.
The next step, according toStoicism, is to evaluate that
impression.
Is it true that she's unsafe?
(11:10):
No, it's not true.
Michelle is not going to ascentor she's not going to agree to
this impression.
So she reminds herself that sheis safe and, to help, she does
some belly breaths to help herrelax.
And she also imagines that herlegs are like solid tree trunks
with roots in the ground.
Now B, let's take this a stepfurther.
(11:32):
Why does Michelle feel unsafewhen she journals about this?
Later she says that she worriedher colleagues would think she
was dumb.
But as she writes this sherealizes that this thought
doesn't make any sense.
Her colleagues have alwaysgiven her high marks on
innovation and outstandingperformance.
So Michelle has evidence tochallenge the unhelpful thought
(11:54):
that her colleagues think she'snot smart.
So she's definitely not goingto assent to that false idea.
But let's say that she juststarted the job and doesn't have
any of those great performancereviews yet.
Because she's new.
Michelle can still replace herunhelpful thought that she
thinks her colleagues thinkshe's dumb with a more useful
(12:16):
thought.
Like I worked hard on thispresentation and I know my
colleagues want to hear thisinformation Again, a thought and
impression exist in Michelle'smind that her colleagues think
she's dumb, but she reflects onthis.
How true is this?
What evidence is there?
There's not evidence, becausethey don't know her well enough.
So she doesn't assent to thisfalse impression.
(12:38):
Instead, she focuses oncontributing to her team instead
of being preoccupied with whatpeople think about her.
She is applying wisdom, a corestoic virtue, to her situation,
and she is exploring the rootcauses of her fears.
Michelle knows that courageisn't the absence of fear, but
the willingness to act despiteit and to seek to understand
(13:00):
herself better, including heranxieties, her triggers, her
reactions.
Stoicism encourages you toembrace your current
circumstances, no matter howchallenging they might be.
Focus your energy on what youcan control and accept what you
can't.
You can control your responseto public speaking anxiety, such
as your mindset and yourwillingness to confront your
(13:23):
fears, but you can't controlexternal factors like the
reactions of other people.
So you can have influence, youcan prepare, but ultimately the
final control is out of yourhands.
Let's really stretch our mindshere and imagine a version of
the story in which Michellestarts a new job and her
colleagues do think she's dumb,or their words give her that
(13:45):
impression.
So, while presenting in ameeting, michelle's colleague
Carl says you don't know whatyou're talking about, and
Michelle's heart starts racingand she thinks this is bad.
They don't like me.
And she ascends to thisimpression and starts believing
this is bad.
And then she starts feelinganxiety and sadness.
(14:06):
But what if Michelle had givenher time to pause and reflect on
her situation instead ofautomatically believing the
impression?
She'd realize that her newcolleagues don't know her and
the comment that she perceivedas hurtful was made out of
ignorance and isn't true.
She would realize that shedoesn't need to value ignorant
(14:28):
statements above her own opinionof herself.
She can let go of the panicthat this is a bad situation and
proceed with more calm.
She could even respond with ajoke like tell me how you really
feel?
Or ask a question what givesyou that impression?
She can also consider Carl'sperspective.
Maybe he thinks she only gothired because she's the CEO's
(14:52):
niece and he assumes she doesn'tdeserve her job.
Maybe he applied for it.
Maybe his mom is on herdeathbed.
She doesn't know.
Michelle doesn't need to letpeople walk all over her, but
she can engage from a place ofcalm curiosity instead of
defensiveness.
This is how you effectivelybuild relationships and lead.
(15:13):
Of course, this kind of stoicmindfulness requires practice.
Most of us would be angry ifsomebody said I don't think you
know what you're talking aboutin front of a bunch of people.
And this is because we areassenting to the impression that
this is bad, that our value hasbeen tarnished.
But this is a thought error.
Other people's words can'taffect your character.
(15:34):
You are in control of the kindof person you are and no one can
take away your value.
Otherwise known as arite I lovethat word.
That means personal or moralexcellence.
The stoic said that virtue isthe only good and vice is the
only bad, meaning that virtue isthe only thing that is always
good, no matter what.
You can substitute personalexcellence or value or moral
(15:57):
character here whatever word youwant to use.
For example, they would saymoney isn't always good because
it can be used to fund a wartargeting civilians.
You can fill in whatevervariable you want here, but you,
living with arite, that isalways a good thing, living as
your best self.
So is Michelle's situation a badthing?
(16:19):
The Stoics would say thatCarl's comment was indifferent,
meaning that his opinion doesn'tchange who Michelle is as a
person.
It doesn't affect her moralcharacter.
Of course she would prefer thathe welcome her and treat her
kindly how she wants to betreated, but this is a preferred
indifferent.
It's not ultimately in hercontrol.
(16:39):
Furthermore, epictetus wouldsay Michelle, why do you want to
impress Carl so much?
Yesterday you were talkingabout what an idiot he is.
So why is his opinion sovaluable and accurate all of a
sudden?
Why are you chasing theapproval of crazy people?
So there is a stoic paradox foryou.
They say try to understandpeople and see the world from
(16:59):
their point of view, and alsodon't privilege their opinions
of you above your opinion ofyourself, especially if these
are people you don't respect.
Final tip if you are likeMichelle and you know you get
nervous in certain situationsand that's most of us you can
prepare in advance.
The Stoics practiced thepremeditation of adversity.
(17:21):
This involved imaginingobstacles that could come up in
specific situations and how theywould manage them, and
professional athletes do thistoday.
The Stoics were not panickingabout the bad things that could
happen.
They were calmly contemplatingthese adverse scenarios and how
they would deal with them.
This is very different fromworrying about the future.
(17:42):
The Stoics practiced rationalthinking, knowing that most
things that come up areindifferent again, meaning
they're neither objectively goodor bad and they're not the end
of the world.
This exercise helps you see thatthe worst case scenario is
usually not as bad as you think,and it reminds us that most
(18:03):
situations are beyond ourcontrol, and it's how you
respond in the moment that'simportant.
It's the quality of yourcharacter.
It's who you choose to be.
So if you blush in a meeting orforget someone's name, or
someone calls you out in ameeting, this isn't a
catastrophe.
Michelle can brainstorm allkinds of circumstances in
(18:24):
advance of her meeting and shecan think about how she would
deal with them, from someoneshouting a nasty comment, which
isn't likely to happen, tofeeling anxiety in her body
before a presentation, which ishighly likely.
This mental preparation willhelp you respond more calmly and
confidently in real lifesituations.
To sum all this up, when youare faced with something you're
(18:47):
afraid of, like public speakingremember this is a universal
human experience we all havefears and insecurities, so have
compassion for yourself.
You don't have complete controlover the initial flutter of
nerves or how others willperceive you, but you do have
control over your mindset andhow you interact in the world.
(19:10):
You choose the values you wantto live by.
If you want to speak moreconfidently in front of a room
online and in social situations,without becoming a sweaty
blushing mess with a stressheadache.
Get in touch atsarahmygattelcom or click the
link in the episode notes.
It is time to stop lettingperformance anxiety silence you
and stress you out.
(19:30):
You have what it takes to be acalm and confident speaker, so
let's start now,sarahmygattelcom.
Book a consult.
Let's talk about yourcommunication goals and how you
can become the charismaticspeaker that you want to be.
No more playing small.
It's time to speak up.
When it comes to public speaking.
What exactly are you afraid of?
Most people I talk to don'texplore their fears at all, and
this makes them worse.
The thought of public speakingbrings up such uncomfortable
feelings that they try to ignorethem or stuff them down, and
this is why they continue tosuffer from speaking anxiety.
And this is one of the mostcommon fears in the world.
(00:22):
So how is an amorphous fear offear holding you back and
keeping you quiet?
Hi, I'm Sarah Micotel, yourCommunication and Mindset Coach,
and by the end of this episodeyou are going to know what
you're really afraid of when yousay you don't like public
speaking, how anxiety manifestsin your mind and your body, and
(00:43):
why not managing it is soharmful.
You'll know the beliefsunderlying the four different
flavors of speaking anxiety andyou will learn stoic practices
you can do to let go of anxietyso you can more eloquently
express your thoughts, feelingsand ideas.
So no more holding in what youwant to say and then internally
screaming when somebody elsevoices what you had been
(01:06):
thinking.
It is time to start feelingmore calm and confident when you
speak.
During his first inauguralspeech in 1933, president
Franklin D Roosevelt said theonly thing we have to fear is
fear itself.
The United States was ineconomic crisis.
Millions of Americans wereunemployed, businesses were
(01:27):
failing and people werepanicking.
Roosevelt knew that fear andanxiety were exasperating the
crisis.
People were withdrawing moneyfrom their banks, making
fear-based decisions, and thismade the economic situation
worse.
And more recently we saw asimilar panic during the COVID
pandemic, when people werehoarding groceries.
(01:47):
And this idea that our worriesabout a future event are often
much worse than the actual eventitself.
This goes back at least to theancient stoics.
Nearly 2,000 years ago.
Seneca said we suffer more inimagination than in reality.
This is true for publicspeaking as well.
The fear of speaking in publicis worse than actually speaking
(02:10):
in public.
People come to me and say Ihate public speaking.
I've always hated it, but I'mat this point in my career where
I need to move past this.
I'm sick of anxiety.
It's holding back my career.
It's tinder my relationships.
I just don't know what to dowith this fear.
But what are they actuallyafraid of?
Often, we carry a vague sense ofanxiety or apprehension about
(02:31):
speaking up without giving anyconsideration to what's really
concerning us.
The first step in addressingthe Samorphous Fear is to name
it and bring it into focus.
Ask yourself what exactlyyou're afraid of when it comes
to speaking up.
Is it the fear of being judged,saying the wrong thing, not
being heard?
(02:51):
Maybe it's something else.
When you get more specificabout your fear, you can
demystify it, you can challengeits validity and you can make it
more manageable.
Pay attention to how speakinganxiety shows up in how you
think, feel and act.
If you're feeling anxious aboutspeaking, you might struggle to
find your words, find itdifficult to focus, speak with a
(03:15):
shaky voice, speed up your rateof speech, fidget, avoid eye
contact, criticize yourself,assume other people are judging
you.
You might start sweating,tremble, blush.
You might stay quiet.
The anxiety, nervousness andself-doubt attached to our fear.
This blocks our ability tocommunicate.
(03:36):
We worry we'll make mistakes,forget what we want to say and
that our audience will judge usfears that are often not based
in reality.
This rumination can become aself-fulfilling prophecy.
When our fear of failure makesus so nervous that we stumble
over our words and spin out, ourconfidence takes a hit and we
(03:57):
stay in a loop of assuming theworst, and then we deliver on
that.
The cycle continues.
Not learning to manage yourspeaking anxiety can have major
impacts on all areas of yourlife.
People might think you're notinterested in them or the work
that you do.
You might sit out onopportunities you really want to
try.
Plus, the constant stress isbad for your mental and physical
(04:18):
health.
But the good news is that youcan learn to get a handle on
your anxiety and become anexcellent speaker.
The first step is figuring outwhat makes you nervous in the
first place.
You may feel more anxiousdepending on who you're talking
to, what you're talking about,the type of communication
scenario you find yourself in,and there's also a genetic
(04:38):
component to this.
You might feel fine going to aparty where you won't know most
of the people, but have a panicattack about the speech you're
going to give at your friend'swedding.
There are four common types ofspeaking anxiety, which
researcher James McCroskey callscommunication apprehension, and
he defines this as fear oranxiety associated with either
(05:01):
real or anticipatedcommunication with another
person or persons.
Public speaking anxiety is oneof the most common fears there
is, and it's not limited tospeaking on stage.
People panic in all sorts ofcommunication situations,
including meetings, interviews,even casual conversations, when
someone feels the spotlight ison them.
(05:22):
I can definitely relate to that.
The four types of communicationapprehension are trait-based,
context-based, audience-basedand situation-based.
If you want to become a moreconfident and competent speaker,
consider which audiences orcommunication scenarios trigger
your anxieties so you can followstrategies to manage them.
(05:43):
Here is an explanation of eachtype Trait-based anxiety People
with trait anxiety were likelyborn predisposed to feeling
anxious about speaking.
In most situations, for example,you feel anxious whenever you
speak, whether it's with afriend or in a formal situation.
Context-based anxiety thisdepends on the specific kind of
(06:08):
speaking scenario there is.
So you might generally feelvery comfortable having
one-on-one conversations withyour colleagues, but if you have
to present in front of all ofthem at once, you usually feel
nervous the change in thecontext of your communication.
So discussion versuspresentation this is what
triggers the anxiety.
(06:28):
Then there's audience-basedanxiety, and this is based on
the presence of a specificperson or group of people.
It's not about the kind ofcommunication or where you're
doing it, but who you'reactually talking to.
For example, you might feelfine presenting ideas in front
of your team, your immediateteam, but panic when sharing the
same ideas with your board ofdirectors.
(06:49):
If you identify with this, askyourself why you might feel
anxious in front of certainaudiences.
Is it fear of judgment?
If you're getting a bad review,fear they'll find out you don't
know what you're doing.
Being asked questions canclarify your fears and help you
combat them.
Then there's situation-basedanxiety, and situation-based
(07:11):
anxiety comes about duringspecific, more one-off
circumstances rather thanongoing fears based on audience
or environment or how manypeople are going to be there.
For example, you might reallyenjoy one-on-one conversations
most of the time, but you're ona first date and now you're
really freaked out and yourheart is pounding, at least at
(07:31):
first.
After a few minutes you'reprobably going to be fine.
So where does communicationapprehension come up for you?
Is it when speaking withsomebody who seems higher status
or who you perceive to be moresuccessful, speaking in front of
a large audience versusone-on-one giving a toast at the
wedding?
Maybe you're always nervouswhen it comes to public speaking
(07:54):
or speaking with anyone, sodoes it depend on the audience,
the context, the situation?
Was this a trait that you wereborn with?
What are you actually afraid ofwhen you're speaking in public?
Start thinking about fear as achallenge.
That will help you grow insteadof a permanent obstacle.
And, by the way, if you wouldlike, in-the-moment pep talks to
(08:17):
help you through communicationanxiety.
Grab my introvert emergency kit.
The link is in the episodenotes.
Let's really break this downusing Stoics psychology.
More than 2,000 years ago, theStoics practiced challenging the
unhelpful thoughts that poppedinto their minds.
They said we really need todissect our worries and our
vices, to see them for what theyreally are.
(08:40):
They took a lot of inspirationfrom Socrates, who famously said
the unexamined life isn't worthliving.
This means getting curiousabout our world and also what is
happening in our own minds.
Most people accept theirthoughts as facts, but thoughts
are simply your opinions basedon your experience.
What do you believe?
(09:01):
Why you open to changing yourmind?
What is guiding you?
Who is influencing you?
We can use the Stoic theory ofemotions to manage our speaking
anxiety.
Their framework says this ishow humans operate.
Something happens, somethingmakes an impression on us.
Then we take a step back andevaluate our first impression.
(09:25):
When we ascent to thisimpression as being correct or
we don't agree that it's correctand if we do ascent to it and
agree that our impression istrue, then we feel an impulse to
take some kind of action.
That is the ideal scenariowhere we're taking time to
evaluate our initial impressions.
(09:46):
Often people just skip thatpart and immediately accept that
what they're thinking is true.
And when they're agreeing tothese irrational thoughts,
that's when full blown passionscan occur.
And passions, in Stoic speak,are negative emotions.
There are positive passions aswell, but that is a story for
(10:07):
another time.
Here's an example.
Let Stoic Lee break downMichelle's fear of presenting in
front of her colleagues.
Michelle is the story here.
She spent hours the day beforerevising her slides on her
team's latest product launch.
She knows her stuff, she has agreat relationship with her
colleagues.
But as she stands in front ofthe room before the meeting
(10:28):
begins, her heart races, shestarts to sweat and now she's
panicking.
She's not going to be able tothink clearly.
These involuntary sensations,or pre-emotions probithiai,
these aren't in Michelle'scontrol.
But what comes next is butthese pre-emotions?
They are instinctual.
Michelle's fight-or-flightresponse is kicking in to keep
(10:49):
her safe.
Stoic said that this is anatural part of life.
This is totally understandable,but then we need to take a step
back and bring the rationalpart of our brain back online.
Michelle has received animpression that she is not safe.
The next step, according toStoicism, is to evaluate that
impression.
Is it true that she's unsafe?
(11:10):
No, it's not true.
Michelle is not going to ascentor she's not going to agree to
this impression.
So she reminds herself that sheis safe and, to help, she does
some belly breaths to help herrelax.
And she also imagines that herlegs are like solid tree trunks
with roots in the ground.
Now B, let's take this a stepfurther.
(11:32):
Why does Michelle feel unsafewhen she journals about this?
Later she says that she worriedher colleagues would think she
was dumb.
But as she writes this sherealizes that this thought
doesn't make any sense.
Her colleagues have alwaysgiven her high marks on
innovation and outstandingperformance.
So Michelle has evidence tochallenge the unhelpful thought
(11:54):
that her colleagues think she'snot smart.
So she's definitely not goingto assent to that false idea.
But let's say that she juststarted the job and doesn't have
any of those great performancereviews yet.
Because she's new.
Michelle can still replace herunhelpful thought that she
thinks her colleagues thinkshe's dumb with a more useful
(12:16):
thought.
Like I worked hard on thispresentation and I know my
colleagues want to hear thisinformation Again, a thought and
impression exist in Michelle'smind that her colleagues think
she's dumb, but she reflects onthis.
How true is this?
What evidence is there?
There's not evidence, becausethey don't know her well enough.
So she doesn't assent to thisfalse impression.
(12:38):
Instead, she focuses oncontributing to her team instead
of being preoccupied with whatpeople think about her.
She is applying wisdom, a corestoic virtue, to her situation,
and she is exploring the rootcauses of her fears.
Michelle knows that courageisn't the absence of fear, but
the willingness to act despiteit and to seek to understand
(13:00):
herself better, including heranxieties, her triggers, her
reactions.
Stoicism encourages you toembrace your current
circumstances, no matter howchallenging they might be.
Focus your energy on what youcan control and accept what you
can't.
You can control your responseto public speaking anxiety, such
as your mindset and yourwillingness to confront your
(13:23):
fears, but you can't controlexternal factors like the
reactions of other people.
So you can have influence, youcan prepare, but ultimately the
final control is out of yourhands.
Let's really stretch our mindshere and imagine a version of
the story in which Michellestarts a new job and her
colleagues do think she's dumb,or their words give her that
(13:45):
impression.
So, while presenting in ameeting, michelle's colleague
Carl says you don't know whatyou're talking about, and
Michelle's heart starts racingand she thinks this is bad.
They don't like me.
And she ascends to thisimpression and starts believing
this is bad.
And then she starts feelinganxiety and sadness.
(14:06):
But what if Michelle had givenher time to pause and reflect on
her situation instead ofautomatically believing the
impression?
She'd realize that her newcolleagues don't know her and
the comment that she perceivedas hurtful was made out of
ignorance and isn't true.
She would realize that shedoesn't need to value ignorant
(14:28):
statements above her own opinionof herself.
She can let go of the panicthat this is a bad situation and
proceed with more calm.
She could even respond with ajoke like tell me how you really
feel?
Or ask a question what givesyou that impression?
She can also consider Carl'sperspective.
Maybe he thinks she only gothired because she's the CEO's
(14:52):
niece and he assumes she doesn'tdeserve her job.
Maybe he applied for it.
Maybe his mom is on herdeathbed.
She doesn't know.
Michelle doesn't need to letpeople walk all over her, but
she can engage from a place ofcalm curiosity instead of
defensiveness.
This is how you effectivelybuild relationships and lead.
(15:13):
Of course, this kind of stoicmindfulness requires practice.
Most of us would be angry ifsomebody said I don't think you
know what you're talking aboutin front of a bunch of people.
And this is because we areassenting to the impression that
this is bad, that our value hasbeen tarnished.
But this is a thought error.
Other people's words can'taffect your character.
(15:34):
You are in control of the kindof person you are and no one can
take away your value.
Otherwise known as arite I lovethat word.
That means personal or moralexcellence.
The stoic said that virtue isthe only good and vice is the
only bad, meaning that virtue isthe only thing that is always
good, no matter what.
You can substitute personalexcellence or value or moral
(15:57):
character here whatever word youwant to use.
For example, they would saymoney isn't always good because
it can be used to fund a wartargeting civilians.
You can fill in whatevervariable you want here, but you,
living with arite, that isalways a good thing, living as
your best self.
So is Michelle's situation a badthing?
(16:19):
The Stoics would say thatCarl's comment was indifferent,
meaning that his opinion doesn'tchange who Michelle is as a
person.
It doesn't affect her moralcharacter.
Of course she would prefer thathe welcome her and treat her
kindly how she wants to betreated, but this is a preferred
indifferent.
It's not ultimately in hercontrol.
(16:39):
Furthermore, epictetus wouldsay Michelle, why do you want to
impress Carl so much?
Yesterday you were talkingabout what an idiot he is.
So why is his opinion sovaluable and accurate all of a
sudden?
Why are you chasing theapproval of crazy people?
So there is a stoic paradox foryou.
They say try to understandpeople and see the world from
(16:59):
their point of view, and alsodon't privilege their opinions
of you above your opinion ofyourself, especially if these
are people you don't respect.
Final tip if you are likeMichelle and you know you get
nervous in certain situationsand that's most of us you can
prepare in advance.
The Stoics practiced thepremeditation of adversity.
(17:21):
This involved imaginingobstacles that could come up in
specific situations and how theywould manage them, and
professional athletes do thistoday.
The Stoics were not panickingabout the bad things that could
happen.
They were calmly contemplatingthese adverse scenarios and how
they would deal with them.
This is very different fromworrying about the future.
(17:42):
The Stoics practiced rationalthinking, knowing that most
things that come up areindifferent again, meaning
they're neither objectively goodor bad and they're not the end
of the world.
This exercise helps you see thatthe worst case scenario is
usually not as bad as you think,and it reminds us that most
(18:03):
situations are beyond ourcontrol, and it's how you
respond in the moment that'simportant.
It's the quality of yourcharacter.
It's who you choose to be.
So if you blush in a meeting orforget someone's name, or
someone calls you out in ameeting, this isn't a
catastrophe.
Michelle can brainstorm allkinds of circumstances in
(18:24):
advance of her meeting and shecan think about how she would
deal with them, from someoneshouting a nasty comment, which
isn't likely to happen, tofeeling anxiety in her body
before a presentation, which ishighly likely.
This mental preparation willhelp you respond more calmly and
confidently in real lifesituations.
To sum all this up, when youare faced with something you're
(18:47):
afraid of, like public speakingremember this is a universal
human experience we all havefears and insecurities, so have
compassion for yourself.
You don't have complete controlover the initial flutter of
nerves or how others willperceive you, but you do have
control over your mindset andhow you interact in the world.
(19:10):
You choose the values you wantto live by.
If you want to speak moreconfidently in front of a room
online and in social situations,without becoming a sweaty
blushing mess with a stressheadache.
Get in touch atsarahmygattelcom or click the
link in the episode notes.
It is time to stop lettingperformance anxiety silence you
and stress you out.
(19:30):
You have what it takes to be acalm and confident speaker, so
let's start now,sarahmygattelcom.
Book a consult.
Let's talk about yourcommunication goals and how you
can become the charismaticspeaker that you want to be.
No more playing small.
It's time to speak up.
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