December 8, 2024 • 14 mins
Mr. Darcy has been on my mind this week. Not because he’s the fantasy of so many women, but because I finally read Pride and Prejudice, and discovered something shocking (to me) about him.
I’d always thought of Mr. Darcy as this tall, brooding, misunderstood character. The fabulously wealthy, handsome man who everyone thinks is a jerk, but secretly has a heart of gold and wants to take care of you. This is why women have been obsessed with him for hundreds of years. The strong, silent, mysterious hero.
But that’s not who he starts out as in the book.
Reading Pride and Prejudice reveals so much more about him, and about what it takes to change and grow.
In this episode, I’ll share what Mr. Darcy’s transformation can teach us about:
- how honest conversations can lead to personal transformation – for you and the person you’re speaking with.
- why hard conversations are worth having, even when they feel risky or uncomfortable.
- what Stoic principles and practical communication tools can help us handle conflict gracefully.
By the way – hello! I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, an American writer, communication coach, and practicing Stoic based in England.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I have always loved watching Pride and Prejudice,
whether it's the Keira Knightleyversion with Matthew McFadden
as Mr Darcy, the BBC miniserieswith Colin Firth as Mr Darcy
this was the role that set womenon fire for decades or the
inspired Bridget Jones Diaryfeaturing Colin Firth again as
(00:23):
Mr Mark Darcy.
And of course, I love ElizabethBennett.
She is the witty heroine and inmy fantasy world I am best
friends with her and JosephineMarch from Little Women, and
together we spend our daysreading and writing and
strolling through our charmingvillage imagining stories about
the lives that were glimpsingthrough the candlelit windows
(00:46):
and in my scene, in my head,snow is gently falling on our
hair on a quiet Christmas night.
But it's Mr Darcy who has beenon my mind this week, and not
just because he's the fantasy ofso many women, but because I
finally read not just watched,but read Pride and Prejudice and
I discovered something shockingto me about him.
(01:09):
So maybe other people I'm suremany other people have had this
realization.
But I had always thought of MrDarcy as this tall, brooding,
misunderstood character, thatfabulously wealthy, handsome man
who everyone thinks is a jerk,but secretly he has a heart of
gold and he wants to take careof you, and this is why women
have been obsessed with him forhundreds of years.
(01:31):
At this point, the strong,silent, mysterious hero.
But that's not who he startsout as in the book, and reading
Pride and Prejudice reveals somuch more about him and about
what it takes to change and togrow.
In this episode, I will sharewhat Mr Darcy's transformation
(01:52):
can teach us about one, howhonest conversations can lead to
personal transformation for youand also the person you're
speaking with.
Two, why hard conversations areworth having, even when they
feel risky or uncomfortable.
And three, what stoicprinciples and practical
communication tools we can useto help us handle conflict
(02:14):
gracefully.
By the way, hello, I am yourhost, sarah Mikatel, an American
writer and communication coachin England and a practicing
stoic and communication coach inEngland, and a practicing stoic
.
Let's begin with the moment thatchanged everything for Darcy.
If you've seen the films orread the book, you'll remember
that people initially think he'sa prideful snob and he was.
(02:37):
Let's talk about the infamousmarriage proposal.
When he asks for Elizabeth'shand, he prefaces his proposal
by basically saying your familyis garbage and this relationship
doesn't make much sense.
But I can't help myself.
I want you, despite yourextremely low status and
(02:57):
Elizabeth sensibly refutes him.
We all remember this as one ofthe most epic marriage refusals
of all time.
Also, joe March refusing Loriis way up there, for completely
different reasons, but I willstay on topic.
When I watched this scene in thefilm Pride and Prejudice I
found the marriage proposalinsulting, but I think part of
me thought it was just somemisunderstanding, that he was
(03:20):
really a good guy underneath,and maybe I was influenced by
all the Mr Darcy loresurrounding him for all of these
years.
But later in the book Mr Darcyactually owns up to his past
behavior and he apologizes toElizabeth and he essentially
says no, you were right, Iactually was being a jerk and I
(03:43):
would have kept being a jerk hadyou not stood up to me.
To quote Pride and Prejudice,here is what Mr Darcy says the
recollection of what I then said, of my conduct, my manners, my
expressions during the whole ofit, is now, and has been many
months, inexpressibly painful tome.
Your reproof, so well applied,I shall never forget.
(04:05):
You said had you behaved in amore gentleman-like manner?
Those were your words.
You know not.
You can scarcely conceive howthey have tortured me, though it
was some time, I confess,before I was reasonable enough
to allow their justice.
I have been a selfish being allmy life, in practice, though not
(04:28):
in principle.
As a child, I was taught whatwas right, but I was not taught
to correct my temper.
I was given good principles butleft to follow them in pride
and conceit.
Unfortunately, an only son andfor many years an only child, I
was spoiled by my parents who,though good themselves my father
(04:49):
particularly all that wasbenevolent and amiable, allowed,
encouraged, almost taught me tobe selfish and overbearing, to
care for none beyond my ownfamily circle, to think meanly
of all the rest of the world, towish at least to think meanly
of their sense and worthcompared with my own.
Such I was from eight to eightand twenty, and such I might
(05:12):
still have been but for you,dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.
What do I not owe you?
You taught me a lesson, hardindeed at first, but most
advantageous.
By you, I was properly humbled.
I came to you without a doubtof my reception.
You showed me how insufficientwere all my pretensions to
(05:34):
please a woman worthy of beingpleased".
Wow, I am still in awe of thesewords which Jane Austen wrote
in the 1700s.
It was published later, but shewas writing these words in the
1700s.
Elizabeth's refusal makes Darcyre-examine who he is and the
(05:56):
life he's living.
Her honesty motivates him toown up to his poor behavior and
become a better man.
The Stoics believed thatchallenges, including in
interpersonal relationships, areopportunities to improve
ourselves.
Marcus Aurelius said If anyonecan refute me, show me I am
(06:20):
making a mistake or looking atthings from the wrong
perspective and I will gladlychange.
It's the truth that I'm after,and the truth never harmed
anyone.
What harms us is to persist inself-deceit and ignorance.
Unquote.
And that is from Meditation 621, gregory Hayes' translation.
(06:42):
This is an excellent reminderto all of us today that sharing
how we feel can actually helpother people and improve a
relationship.
Now in the book Pride andPrejudice, the marriage proposal
scene gets heated and theyfight instead of having a
productive conversation.
But we can still learn a lessonhere.
(07:02):
Many people don't want to havethe hard conversation.
They would rather sit in silentdiscomfort for years than risk
the discomfort of aconfrontation or potential
confrontation.
Either way, you've gotdiscomfort, so you can choose a
more productive discomfort, onethat might actually move you
(07:24):
forward personally and in yourrelationship.
Or maybe, if you are veryconflict-averse and I can relate
to this you just give up on theperson altogether and walk away
.
But what if you chose tobelieve in them instead?
What if, instead of avoidingthe issue, you said what needed
to be said, with the intentionof helping the other person and
(07:45):
with the intention of growingthe relationship?
The Stoics taught us that wecan't control other people's
reactions, only our own actionsand intentions.
But even if the end result isnot completely in our control,
when we approach a toughconversation with integrity and
genuine care, we're more likelyto influence a positive outcome.
(08:08):
Elizabeth's refusal wasn't abouttrying to hurt Darcy.
In fact, when you read the book, you see how much care she puts
into her words, usually beforeshe says them.
So she wasn't trying to hurthim.
She was trying to stay true toherself and the virtues and
characteristics that matter mostto her.
And her words had a profoundeffect on Darcy and he changed
(08:34):
as a person, and this growtheventually won Elizabeth over.
But perhaps the greatestbenefit was his transformation
into becoming a better man.
Regardless of the outcome, ifElizabeth had refused him again,
he still would have become abetter person and developed a
better character.
(08:56):
Calling out someone for beingspoiled and insufferable won't
always end as well as it did forElizabeth.
Fortunately for us, there arecommunication frameworks that we
can use to have betterconversations with other people.
Nonviolent communication is aframework that was developed by
psychologist Marshall Rosenberg,and this communication
(09:17):
framework helps people manageconflict without attacking the
other person.
Nonviolent communication is avery stoic way of interacting
because it blends caring andconnection with openness and
accepting emotionalresponsibility for yourself.
Instead of blaming someone forhow you feel, you share your own
(09:39):
needs and values.
So instead of saying you mademe so angry or you're such a
jerk, you can share how aspecific situation or action
makes you feel.
For example, if you orElizabeth Bennett says, when you
say that you're willing tooverlook my family's inferior
station in life, I feel upset.
(10:00):
It makes me think that youvalue the opinion of strangers
more than you would thecharacter of your own wife.
It's important to me to marrysomeone who shares my values and
has empathy for other people.
Nonviolent communication alsogets us in the habit of making
objective observations.
So stating facts withoutlayering on judgments.
So stating facts withoutlayering on judgments.
(10:24):
This is especially helpful ifthe other person is upset, angry
.
You won't win them over bydoubling down on your argument.
The other person needs to feelsafe to speak their mind and
feel like you actually want tohear what they have to say.
So, before you share your sideof things, try listening to what
(10:44):
the other person is saying andreflect back what you're hearing
in your own words and trulytrying to understand what
they're saying, not beingrobotic about this framework but
actually being mindful aboutwhat the other person is going
through.
So in the book, afterElizabeth's refusal, darcy snaps
(11:07):
back.
Could you expect me to rejoicein the inferiority of your
connections, to congratulatemyself on the hope of relations
whose condition in life is sodecidedly beneath my own?
He is embarrassed and he'sangry, and many psychologists
say that anger is a secondaryemotion that serves as a coping
(11:28):
mechanism for another emotionlike sadness or shame.
Using a nonviolent communicationapproach, elizabeth may have
responded hey, I hear you.
It sounds like you are worriedthat we come from very different
worlds, and you're right.
Your family is more connectedthan mine and has more money,
(11:49):
and a relationship between uswould be more complicated
because of family and societalexpectations.
All of that is true, and I alsobelieve that people who share
the same values can overcomemany things.
Notice the use of the word andinstead of but.
So she is saying all of that istrue, and I also believe If she
(12:15):
had said all that is true, butthat would have negated
everything she had said before.
That's the yes and approachfrom improv, building on what's
been said rather than shuttingit down.
Nonviolent communicationemphasizes avoiding, but,
because it often cancels outeverything that came before it
(12:36):
in the listener's mind.
A final thing I'll mentionabout nonviolent communication
is that it's about makingrequests instead of telling
people what to do.
So it's not.
If you don't come to dinner atmy parents' house every Sunday,
then I'm breaking up with you.
That would be a threat.
A request would be.
It would mean a lot to me.
(12:56):
If you got to know my familybetter, would you be willing to
have dinner with them on Sunday?
And they have the right to sayno.
Of course, it's nice to have apartner who will do the things
that matter most to you.
So decide what those things are, what are your non-negotiables
and what can you let slide.
Set standards for yourself andcommunicate them, and find
(13:18):
people who want to be part ofthis world.
So, to recap, darcy became agreat man because Elizabeth
opened his eyes to the fact thathe was spoiled.
He was prideful.
She told him off and thatworked in this story.
But telling people off oftenbackfires.
For a more stoic way to manageconflict, try nonviolent
(13:40):
communication.
This means making observationswithout adding in your own
interpretations of what'shappening, without layering on
your own judgments.
You can, of course, share yourside of the story, but don't
lead with assumptions,especially if they're negative.
Identify and express yourfeelings without blaming others.
(14:02):
Say what's important to you andwhy.
What do you need?
Make specific, actionablerequests instead of demands.
So the next time you aretempted to avoid a tough talk or
to fight, remember that honestcommunication, delivered with
courage and care, has the powerto transform your relationship.
(14:25):
And we can look to Mr Darcy andElizabeth for inspiration.
If you would like bonusmaterial on how to manage
conflict better using nonviolentcommunication, go to
stoicwellbeingcom.
Slash Darcy.
That's D-A-R-C-Y.
That's all for now.
I'm Sarah Mikita, wishing you abeautiful week wherever you are
(14:46):
.
I have always loved watching Pride and Prejudice,
whether it's the Keira Knightleyversion with Matthew McFadden
as Mr Darcy, the BBC miniserieswith Colin Firth as Mr Darcy
this was the role that set womenon fire for decades or the
inspired Bridget Jones Diaryfeaturing Colin Firth again as
(00:23):
Mr Mark Darcy.
And of course, I love ElizabethBennett.
She is the witty heroine and inmy fantasy world I am best
friends with her and JosephineMarch from Little Women, and
together we spend our daysreading and writing and
strolling through our charmingvillage imagining stories about
the lives that were glimpsingthrough the candlelit windows
(00:46):
and in my scene, in my head,snow is gently falling on our
hair on a quiet Christmas night.
But it's Mr Darcy who has beenon my mind this week, and not
just because he's the fantasy ofso many women, but because I
finally read not just watched,but read Pride and Prejudice and
I discovered something shockingto me about him.
(01:09):
So maybe other people I'm suremany other people have had this
realization.
But I had always thought of MrDarcy as this tall, brooding,
misunderstood character, thatfabulously wealthy, handsome man
who everyone thinks is a jerk,but secretly he has a heart of
gold and he wants to take careof you, and this is why women
have been obsessed with him forhundreds of years.
(01:31):
At this point, the strong,silent, mysterious hero.
But that's not who he startsout as in the book, and reading
Pride and Prejudice reveals somuch more about him and about
what it takes to change and togrow.
In this episode, I will sharewhat Mr Darcy's transformation
(01:52):
can teach us about one, howhonest conversations can lead to
personal transformation for youand also the person you're
speaking with.
Two, why hard conversations areworth having, even when they
feel risky or uncomfortable.
And three, what stoicprinciples and practical
communication tools we can useto help us handle conflict
(02:14):
gracefully.
By the way, hello, I am yourhost, sarah Mikatel, an American
writer and communication coachin England and a practicing
stoic and communication coach inEngland, and a practicing stoic
.
Let's begin with the moment thatchanged everything for Darcy.
If you've seen the films orread the book, you'll remember
that people initially think he'sa prideful snob and he was.
(02:37):
Let's talk about the infamousmarriage proposal.
When he asks for Elizabeth'shand, he prefaces his proposal
by basically saying your familyis garbage and this relationship
doesn't make much sense.
But I can't help myself.
I want you, despite yourextremely low status and
(02:57):
Elizabeth sensibly refutes him.
We all remember this as one ofthe most epic marriage refusals
of all time.
Also, joe March refusing Loriis way up there, for completely
different reasons, but I willstay on topic.
When I watched this scene in thefilm Pride and Prejudice I
found the marriage proposalinsulting, but I think part of
me thought it was just somemisunderstanding, that he was
(03:20):
really a good guy underneath,and maybe I was influenced by
all the Mr Darcy loresurrounding him for all of these
years.
But later in the book Mr Darcyactually owns up to his past
behavior and he apologizes toElizabeth and he essentially
says no, you were right, Iactually was being a jerk and I
(03:43):
would have kept being a jerk hadyou not stood up to me.
To quote Pride and Prejudice,here is what Mr Darcy says the
recollection of what I then said, of my conduct, my manners, my
expressions during the whole ofit, is now, and has been many
months, inexpressibly painful tome.
Your reproof, so well applied,I shall never forget.
(04:05):
You said had you behaved in amore gentleman-like manner?
Those were your words.
You know not.
You can scarcely conceive howthey have tortured me, though it
was some time, I confess,before I was reasonable enough
to allow their justice.
I have been a selfish being allmy life, in practice, though not
(04:28):
in principle.
As a child, I was taught whatwas right, but I was not taught
to correct my temper.
I was given good principles butleft to follow them in pride
and conceit.
Unfortunately, an only son andfor many years an only child, I
was spoiled by my parents who,though good themselves my father
(04:49):
particularly all that wasbenevolent and amiable, allowed,
encouraged, almost taught me tobe selfish and overbearing, to
care for none beyond my ownfamily circle, to think meanly
of all the rest of the world, towish at least to think meanly
of their sense and worthcompared with my own.
Such I was from eight to eightand twenty, and such I might
(05:12):
still have been but for you,dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.
What do I not owe you?
You taught me a lesson, hardindeed at first, but most
advantageous.
By you, I was properly humbled.
I came to you without a doubtof my reception.
You showed me how insufficientwere all my pretensions to
(05:34):
please a woman worthy of beingpleased".
Wow, I am still in awe of thesewords which Jane Austen wrote
in the 1700s.
It was published later, but shewas writing these words in the
1700s.
Elizabeth's refusal makes Darcyre-examine who he is and the
(05:56):
life he's living.
Her honesty motivates him toown up to his poor behavior and
become a better man.
The Stoics believed thatchallenges, including in
interpersonal relationships, areopportunities to improve
ourselves.
Marcus Aurelius said If anyonecan refute me, show me I am
(06:20):
making a mistake or looking atthings from the wrong
perspective and I will gladlychange.
It's the truth that I'm after,and the truth never harmed
anyone.
What harms us is to persist inself-deceit and ignorance.
Unquote.
And that is from Meditation 621, gregory Hayes' translation.
(06:42):
This is an excellent reminderto all of us today that sharing
how we feel can actually helpother people and improve a
relationship.
Now in the book Pride andPrejudice, the marriage proposal
scene gets heated and theyfight instead of having a
productive conversation.
But we can still learn a lessonhere.
(07:02):
Many people don't want to havethe hard conversation.
They would rather sit in silentdiscomfort for years than risk
the discomfort of aconfrontation or potential
confrontation.
Either way, you've gotdiscomfort, so you can choose a
more productive discomfort, onethat might actually move you
(07:24):
forward personally and in yourrelationship.
Or maybe, if you are veryconflict-averse and I can relate
to this you just give up on theperson altogether and walk away
.
But what if you chose tobelieve in them instead?
What if, instead of avoidingthe issue, you said what needed
to be said, with the intentionof helping the other person and
(07:45):
with the intention of growingthe relationship?
The Stoics taught us that wecan't control other people's
reactions, only our own actionsand intentions.
But even if the end result isnot completely in our control,
when we approach a toughconversation with integrity and
genuine care, we're more likelyto influence a positive outcome.
(08:08):
Elizabeth's refusal wasn't abouttrying to hurt Darcy.
In fact, when you read the book, you see how much care she puts
into her words, usually beforeshe says them.
So she wasn't trying to hurthim.
She was trying to stay true toherself and the virtues and
characteristics that matter mostto her.
And her words had a profoundeffect on Darcy and he changed
(08:34):
as a person, and this growtheventually won Elizabeth over.
But perhaps the greatestbenefit was his transformation
into becoming a better man.
Regardless of the outcome, ifElizabeth had refused him again,
he still would have become abetter person and developed a
better character.
(08:56):
Calling out someone for beingspoiled and insufferable won't
always end as well as it did forElizabeth.
Fortunately for us, there arecommunication frameworks that we
can use to have betterconversations with other people.
Nonviolent communication is aframework that was developed by
psychologist Marshall Rosenberg,and this communication
(09:17):
framework helps people manageconflict without attacking the
other person.
Nonviolent communication is avery stoic way of interacting
because it blends caring andconnection with openness and
accepting emotionalresponsibility for yourself.
Instead of blaming someone forhow you feel, you share your own
(09:39):
needs and values.
So instead of saying you mademe so angry or you're such a
jerk, you can share how aspecific situation or action
makes you feel.
For example, if you orElizabeth Bennett says, when you
say that you're willing tooverlook my family's inferior
station in life, I feel upset.
(10:00):
It makes me think that youvalue the opinion of strangers
more than you would thecharacter of your own wife.
It's important to me to marrysomeone who shares my values and
has empathy for other people.
Nonviolent communication alsogets us in the habit of making
objective observations.
So stating facts withoutlayering on judgments.
So stating facts withoutlayering on judgments.
(10:24):
This is especially helpful ifthe other person is upset, angry
.
You won't win them over bydoubling down on your argument.
The other person needs to feelsafe to speak their mind and
feel like you actually want tohear what they have to say.
So, before you share your sideof things, try listening to what
(10:44):
the other person is saying andreflect back what you're hearing
in your own words and trulytrying to understand what
they're saying, not beingrobotic about this framework but
actually being mindful aboutwhat the other person is going
through.
So in the book, afterElizabeth's refusal, darcy snaps
(11:07):
back.
Could you expect me to rejoicein the inferiority of your
connections, to congratulatemyself on the hope of relations
whose condition in life is sodecidedly beneath my own?
He is embarrassed and he'sangry, and many psychologists
say that anger is a secondaryemotion that serves as a coping
(11:28):
mechanism for another emotionlike sadness or shame.
Using a nonviolent communicationapproach, elizabeth may have
responded hey, I hear you.
It sounds like you are worriedthat we come from very different
worlds, and you're right.
Your family is more connectedthan mine and has more money,
(11:49):
and a relationship between uswould be more complicated
because of family and societalexpectations.
All of that is true, and I alsobelieve that people who share
the same values can overcomemany things.
Notice the use of the word andinstead of but.
So she is saying all of that istrue, and I also believe If she
(12:15):
had said all that is true, butthat would have negated
everything she had said before.
That's the yes and approachfrom improv, building on what's
been said rather than shuttingit down.
Nonviolent communicationemphasizes avoiding, but,
because it often cancels outeverything that came before it
(12:36):
in the listener's mind.
A final thing I'll mentionabout nonviolent communication
is that it's about makingrequests instead of telling
people what to do.
So it's not.
If you don't come to dinner atmy parents' house every Sunday,
then I'm breaking up with you.
That would be a threat.
A request would be.
It would mean a lot to me.
(12:56):
If you got to know my familybetter, would you be willing to
have dinner with them on Sunday?
And they have the right to sayno.
Of course, it's nice to have apartner who will do the things
that matter most to you.
So decide what those things are, what are your non-negotiables
and what can you let slide.
Set standards for yourself andcommunicate them, and find
(13:18):
people who want to be part ofthis world.
So, to recap, darcy became agreat man because Elizabeth
opened his eyes to the fact thathe was spoiled.
He was prideful.
She told him off and thatworked in this story.
But telling people off oftenbackfires.
For a more stoic way to manageconflict, try nonviolent
(13:40):
communication.
This means making observationswithout adding in your own
interpretations of what'shappening, without layering on
your own judgments.
You can, of course, share yourside of the story, but don't
lead with assumptions,especially if they're negative.
Identify and express yourfeelings without blaming others.
(14:02):
Say what's important to you andwhy.
What do you need?
Make specific, actionablerequests instead of demands.
So the next time you aretempted to avoid a tough talk or
to fight, remember that honestcommunication, delivered with
courage and care, has the powerto transform your relationship.
(14:25):
And we can look to Mr Darcy andElizabeth for inspiration.
If you would like bonusmaterial on how to manage
conflict better using nonviolentcommunication, go to
stoicwellbeingcom.
Slash Darcy.
That's D-A-R-C-Y.
That's all for now.
I'm Sarah Mikita, wishing you abeautiful week wherever you are
(14:46):
.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.