The Ultimate Comeback: How to Respond to Insults

We’ve all had those moments where an insult or offhand comment sticks in our head. Hours later, we’re still replaying it, wishing we’d come up with the perfect comeback. But what if the strongest response isn’t a clever line at all?

In this episode, I explore what the Stoics – and even a surprising scene from Gladiator 2 – can teach us about handling insults and keeping our peace of mind. You’ll hear:

• Why chasing the “upper hand” keeps us stuck.
• How Epictetus, a former slave turned philosopher, framed the danger of being ruled by our emotions.
• A personal story about how even a small, everyday slight can get under our skin – and what to do about it.
• Practical tools to stay grounded when you feel like punching someone.

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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

If you're ready to have conversations that open doors – in your career, your relationships, and your life – let’s talk.

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Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? 

I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.

Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Putting people in their place is often held up as
the strong way to respond to aninsult.
After all, if you say nothing,you're a doormat, if you walk
away, you're weak.
But often the opposite is true.
On a recent flight I waswatching Gladiator 2.
Lucius the hero is in the arenaand he is chained and fighting

(00:22):
for his life.
A Wizard of Oz-type monkeypounces on him.
He is horrific.
He has really sharp, bloodyteeth and to survive Lucius
sinks his own teeth into thiscreature's arm and the crowd
roars.
Later his fellow gladiatorslaves mock him with monkey
sounds and they're looking athis face waiting for Lucius to

(00:45):
explode.
But Lucius doesn't take thebait.
In fact he laughs along withthem, and as I'm watching this
movie I'm thinking that's aninteresting response.
Most guys in a movie like thiswould have started punching
these other men and I shouldhave realized then that Lucius
turns out to be MarcusAurelius's grandson.

(01:07):
Of course this is a made-upstory, but I loved that bit of
foreshadowing a glimpse of stoiccharacter in action.
There is endless advice outthere about crafting the perfect
comeback and how to respond toinsults, and a lot of it seems
rooted in anger, passiveaggressiveness and trying to win

(01:28):
, trying to hurt the otherperson because we are so
obsessed about what they thinkof us.
The Stoics trained themselvesto rise above insults and to
care more about what theybelieved about themselves than
someone else's opinion, andmodern science confirms this is
the emotionally healthy way torespond to situations.

(01:48):
2,000 years ago, epictetus putit this way to his students, and
he was teaching Rome's eliteyoung men at the time.
Imagine someone sold your bodyinto slavery.
Of course you'd be outraged,and yet you willingly give away
your freedom of mind to peopleyou feel have insulted you.
Aren't you ashamed of this?

(02:08):
Epictetus is a literalslave-turned-Stoic philosopher,
and he was teaching Rome's eliteyoung men that being a slave to
your emotions is worse thanbeing a slave in body.
That is exactly what we seewith Lucius.
He wasn't putting on a braveface to try and look unbothered
to these other men.

(02:29):
He was actively choosing not tobe bothered.
All their external noise didn'taffect his character, so it
meant nothing to him.
Now, that is strength, asMarcus's pretend grandson in the
movie reminds us.
The ultimate comeback isn't aclever line or making someone
else feel small.
It's refusing to hand over yourpeace of mind.

(02:52):
This isn't easy.
It takes practice and it's alsothe path to emotional freedom.
Most of us aren't fighting inarenas, but the same principle
applies to everyday slights.
When someone insults us, ourbody reacts as if we are under
threat.
The heart speeds up, cortisolrises, muscles tighten.

(03:14):
Without flexibility, we can getstuck in that state, shut down
emotionally or keep replayingwhat we wish we had said.
This happens to all of us.
We are not saints or sages, andsometimes our practices fall
short of our principles.
In fact, I found myself in thissituation the other day.
I was strolling around San GayVillage cappuccino in hand, and

(03:37):
to get to the beach I cutthrough two apartment buildings,
but I took the wrong path and Ihit a small wall.
Apartment buildings, but I tookthe wrong path and I hit a
small wall.
So I turn back and I see a manworking on one of the buildings
and I joke around like oh, lookslike I'm trapped, and then he
glares at me and says this isprivate property.
Oh sorry, I say, and I walkaway.

(04:00):
Now this is a pretty banalexchange that should have been
easily forgotten, but as Iwalked onto the beach I felt
agitated.
Why did I apologize to that guy?
We could have had a pleasantexchange and instead he acted
like I killed someone.
What was his problem?
And he didn't even insult me inan obvious way, but I felt

(04:21):
insulted.
Here is what helps calm me downin situations like this.
One pause before reacting.
Take a breath, let your nervoussystem catch up.
Two, allow yourself to feelwhat you're feeling and name it.
For example, I notice I'mfeeling angry, I'm breathing
faster, and just let thisemotion move through you rather

(04:46):
than letting it drive you.
So process that emotion.
And three, choose to respond ina way that's in line with your
values.
I call this choosing integrityover impulse.
Psychologists call itpsychological flexibility the
ability to notice what'shappening inside you.
Make space for the feelinginstead of allowing it to take

(05:10):
over, and choose a response thatserves you and the situation.
Once your nervous system hascalmed down, get curious.
Imagine someone saying niceshirt.
You might hear it as a dig, butis it?
Maybe they were just makingsmall talk?
Maybe you were just feelinginsecure that day anyway and

(05:30):
were looking for confirmation.
Getting curious is not aboutlying to yourself.
It's about making space foralternative explanations and
choosing the one that's mostuseful to you.
That shift, questioning yourjudgment instead of jumping to
defend yourself is what keepsyou free.

(05:51):
Socrates taught that peopledon't choose to do wrong on
purpose.
They either know what's rightand act on it, or they're
ignorant and act from thatignorance.
Either way, they believethey're doing the right thing.
So ask yourself what might bebehind this other person's
behavior.
Are they stressed, insecure,distracted, simply misinformed?

(06:13):
Is there a chance they're rightor that part of what they're
saying is true, like me,trespassing on private property?
If not, make peace with thefact that the world is full of
opinions you can't control.
Also, get curious about theperson doing the insulting.
If this is a real relationshipthat you want to repair or

(06:34):
nurture, your next move is goingto look different than if
you're dealing with a stranger.
So ask yourself how importantis this relationship to you?
Do you even know them?
How much will you be thinkingabout this person next you?
Do you even know them?
How much will you be thinkingabout this person next week?
Do you respect them?
As the Stoics say, what mattersis living in alignment with your

(06:54):
values, not giving your timeand mental energy to people who
you don't even want to be like,believe it or not.
The Stoics could be funny andthey like to use humor to
diffuse insults.
So if someone says nice shirtand you're not sure if it's a
compliment or a jab, instead ofreacting on impulse, a Stoic

(07:17):
might pause, regulate and thenchoose a chill response like
thank you, I love it.
Or they might make a joke.
You should have seen what I hadon yesterday.
So when you're in conversationwith other people, ask yourself
what response reflects the kindof person I want to be, Because

(07:37):
what we do says everything aboutwho we are.
Again, this is not the easy path.
This is a harder thing to do.
The simple thing is to try toinsult people back, to let our
anger just rage through us, andsome people even say they feel
pleasure when they're angry andyelling at somebody else.
But that short-term pleasuredoes not lead to long-term life

(08:02):
satisfaction and it's certainlynot helping us show up as our
highest selves.
Like most people, I stillsometimes have revenge fantasies
.
A cutting remark will pop intomy mind, but then I take a step
back and get clear about theintention of my words and if
what's floating through my mind,if those words are meant to

(08:24):
harm the other person, if Iactually said them.
That realization is enough tosnap me back into my values,
because I don't want my intentto be to hurt someone else.
That's not the kind of energy Iwant to put out into this world
, and this is why MarcusAurelius wrote what later became
known as his meditations.
Aurelius wrote what later becameknown as his meditations.

(08:45):
This was his personal journal,not meant for publication.
His life was filled with stress, plague, civil war, foreign
invasions, backstabbing.
He had plenty of insults thrownhis way.
Writing in his private journalgave him space to step back,
examine his thoughts and actionsand remind himself of the kind

(09:06):
of man and emperor he wanted tobe.
This practice built hispsychological flexibility so
that even in the darkest times,he could manage whatever came
his way.
As he put it, the best revengeis not to be like your enemy.