Your Comfort Addiction is Costing You

Comfort can quietly cost you the life you really want. When we play it too safe in the name of avoiding unpleasant thoughts or feelings, we drift away from our values and the things that bring meaning, energy, and connection. The Stoics offer a way back through intentional action, self-inquiry, and showing up with integrity – even when it’s uncomfortable.

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I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.

As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
I'm outside walking along the beach, and it looks
like a clear day.
There's a blue sky, the sun isout, but I can't see France the
way I often do when I'm lookingout at the sea.
Because across the channel inthe distance, Hayes is hanging
over the French coast and hidingits shore.

(00:22):
It's still there, but I can'tsee it.
And if I didn't walk by hereevery day, I wouldn't know what
I was missing.
This got me thinking about aconversation I had recently with
a man who talked about how hislife is perfect.
He loves his family, loves hiscareer, never feels upset or
anxious, but he wonders ifsomething is missing.

(00:45):
And as we're talking, I realizethat he has crafted a life for
himself where he doesn't have tofeel any negative emotion, or at
least he's trying to mitigatethat as much as possible.
Over the years, he has withdrawnfrom friends, started working
from home, and now he only hangsout with his family, and this
feels comfortable, and maybethat's enough.

(01:08):
Only it isn't because he knowsthere's something under that
veil of haze that he's forgottenabout or doesn't want to look
at.
If that weren't the case, hewouldn't have brought this up in
the first place.
This questioning of is somethingmissing or what is missing?
My question for you is wheremight you be coasting or

(01:32):
wrapping yourself up in aprotective cocoon instead of
moving forward on a goal thatscares you or a goal that's
important to you?
Where are you choosing temporarycomfort over longer-term
satisfaction and meaning?
I will raise my hand as someonewho's historically been addicted
to comfort.
This is part of my Enneagram 9slash self-preservation

(01:55):
tendencies.
I've been the kind of personwho'd walk in and out of
restaurants until finding onewith the right vibe, the right
menu, the right sound level, whoturned on the heat as soon as
the temperature dropped, who isnot a natural planner, except
for anticipating when I might behungry and then making sure that
doesn't happen.

(02:16):
That's all physical stuff.
I also used to be an expert atemotional avoidance as well.
I ran away from what I perceivedto be conflict, and I did my
best to stay invisible inmeetings because being seen felt
so uncomfortable, and I did notwant to have to deal with those
emotions.

(02:36):
And quite frankly, I don't eventhink it was on my radar as
something to fix.
It was just a situation that Ididn't like being in.
I had so much anxiety coursingthrough my body, and I never
stopped to rationally ask myselfwhat it was that I was afraid
of.
I also did not ask myself what Iwas sacrificing by staying

(02:59):
silent.
To flourish in life, the Stoicsgive us three guiding
disciplines, and we can think ofthem as a kind of compass to
bring us back to what matters tous when we are drifting.
These disciplines help us movethrough the world with more
awareness and intention.

(03:19):
So they pull us out of that hazeand they help us see the world
with more clarity and help ustake more action.
And they are the discipline ofdesire, of assent, and of
action.
So the discipline of desire,this is learning to want what is
up to you, what's in yourcontrol, and this is your

(03:40):
character and your choices.
And loosening your grip onoutcomes that you can't
guarantee.
And knowing the difference, thisis wisdom.
So the question is, what's in mycontrol here?
The discipline of ascent, thisis about bringing curiosity to
the thoughts that pop into yourmind and challenging their

(04:02):
truth.
So when we're thinking unhelpfulthoughts, the discipline of
ascent helps us clean upthinking traps such as
catastrophizing, mind reading,all or nothing thinking.
And a question here is what'sanother way to look at the
situation?
And then we have the disciplineof action.
This is doing the right thingfor the common good to the best

(04:24):
of your ability.
So it's staying mindful ofwhat's my role here?
I had a client once say to methat she knows something needs
to change, but things are moreor less fine for now.
And so she was avoiding takingaction.
She was comfortable and uneasyat the same time.

(04:46):
She wanted to move forward inlife, but she was also assenting
to the thought that she'd changeeventually when she felt
motivated or things got worse.
She wanted to avoid thediscomfort of change because
change feels uncomfortable.
And if things are fine for now,it's understandable why someone

(05:07):
would give into that desire forcoziness and avoid trying
something new.
So she wasn't taking any action.
And we talked about thismetaphor.
Let's say you have the long-termgoal of losing 20 pounds so you
can feel healthier, have moreenergy, so you can follow your
creative pursuits, but you keepgiving into the short-term

(05:29):
pleasure goals.
I'm tired, I'm gonna order apizza, I will start working on
that project after I make myselfa snack.
Everyone else is drinking, so Ihave to.
Giving into these impulses toavoid feeling any discomfort,
wanting that short-termpleasure.
And if you're doing that, thenyou're straying away from your

(05:51):
values of health and creativity.
And then you start makingexcuses for why you keep giving
in to these impulses.
Things are more or less fine.
Maybe I don't need to lose 20pounds, I can always start next
week.
We love to make excuses for whywe give in to what we say we
don't want and why we avoid whatwe know is good for us.

(06:16):
My point isn't that youshouldn't ever indulge.
It's that when we becomeaddicted to comfort and
temporary pleasure, we losetrack of the bigger picture of
what's really important to us inour lives, what we truly value,
and what's in our control.
Maybe despite your best efforts,you don't lose 20 pounds, but

(06:36):
you do lose five.
And what's really important isthat the steps that you took to
get there improved your sleep,improved your energy levels, and
now because you took actionbased on your longer-term
values, now you have morestamina and energy to complete
your novel or whatever yourcreative pursuit was.

(06:57):
The Stoics talk about the stoicarcher.
Imagine somebody aiming a bow.
You can have a target thatyou're shooting for, but
something might happen.
Wind might blow the arrow offcourse.
So even though you had everyintention of hitting that
target, it wasn't completely inyour control.

(07:17):
So the outcome is out of yourhands, but the pursuit is in
your control.
So what do you want?
And I'm not talking just aboutbig things like starting a
business or getting married ormoving abroad or getting
divorced.
Maybe you want to say no to aninvite or ask somebody out.
Here are two values or virtuesthat can help you: discipline

(07:40):
and courage.
Discipline to help you pushthrough your avoidance, and
courage to rise to thechallenge.
You are training your brain tocare most about what's truly up
to you, your character, andchoices.
So you can let go of thoseperfectionist tendencies and
live a more free-flowing life.

(08:02):
So if you're feeling a bit blahor stagnant in life, you might
want to ask yourself, when isthe last time I really
challenged myself?
When is the last time I triedsomething new or tried doing
something in a different way?
Am I living a life rich withexperience?
Am I connecting with people?
Do I want my life to be fine fornow?

(08:24):
Or do I want it to beexceptional?
Thank you so much for listeningto this episode.
I'm Sarah Michatel, yourcommunication and mindset coach.
And I am curious, what goals doyou have for yourself this year?
Send me a message on Instagramor find me on my website, and
let's talk about how you plan ontaking action this year.