February 5, 2025 • 38 mins
115 Pounds Lost, But So Much More Gained: A Story of Transformation | Conversations with a Chiropractor
In this deeply personal episode of Conversations with a Chiropractor, Dr. Stephanie Wautier sits down with Cat H, who shares her powerful journey of losing 115 pounds—but this story isn’t just about weight loss. It’s about breaking free from the mental and emotional burdens of body image, healing from past struggles, and discovering confidence and self-worth beyond the scale.
From childhood influences on food and body image to the emotional and mental challenges that come with weight stigma, Cat’s story is one of perseverance, growth, and transformation. She and Dr. Stephanie explore the connection between mental health and physical health, shedding light on the power of mindset in creating lasting change. Whether you’ve struggled with weight, self-acceptance, or the societal pressures of body image, this episode is a powerful reminder that true transformation starts from within.
🎧 In This Episode, Discover:
- How childhood and family influences shaped Cat’s relationship with food and body image
- The emotional and mental toll of weight stigma and self-doubt
- The mindset shifts that led to lasting health, confidence, and freedom
- Why true transformation is about more than just the number on the scale
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Credits:
Podcast production by Brand|Sound. Start your podcast journey by emailing brandsoundpodcasts@gmail.com.
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction to Conversations with a Chiropractor
00:46 Diving into the Weight Loss Journey
01:25 Childhood and Family Influences on Weight
04:09 Struggles with Food and Self-Image
12:23 Mental Health and Weight Connection
17:39 Finding Freedom and Moving Forward
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Stephanie (00:04):
Hi, this is Dr. Stephanie Wautier, and I'm the host of
Conversations with a Chiropractor.
This is not a health how to, butrather a conversation with some
amazing people I've had the pleasureof being with on my journey of life.
Think of it more like Tuesdays with Maury.
A fireside chat orchicken soup for the soul.
(00:27):
Grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and enjoythis conversation with a chiropractor.
Thank you so much for being onconversations with a chiropractor.
Cat H (00:44):
Thank you for having me.
Stephanie (00:46):
So today we are going to dive fast and deep into the topic of weight.
And you have recently posted that you arenow at the 115 pound mark of weight loss.
I would love for you to share withour listeners just your journey.
let's talk about weight.
Cat H (01:07):
weight has been a huge weight to carry.
And yeah, 115 pounds so far.
but I don't feel like the weight, thenumber even matters really to me, which
is very different than in the past.
I think now I feel like freedom is reallyhow I feel like I'm not carrying the
(01:33):
weight on my shoulders and in my heartI have always been overweight, or I
have always thought and had been treatedthat I was overweight when I look at
pictures from when I was a little kid.
I wouldn't if I looked at thatkid, now I wouldn't have thought
that person was overweight.
(01:55):
But I remember conversations that werebeing had with me that was very focused on
weight, come from a great family, lovingparents and I'm the baby of six kids.
all of us have issueswith weight or body image.
We've all struggled in different ways.
(02:15):
one of us is thin, but I knowthat they also struggled,
with self image in their life.
but everyone else, as far as beingoverweight, have fluctuated throughout
the years and it's been a battle.
from a very young age, I remember inkindergarten, first grade, a neighbor
had told me, you know, what you need todo is you need to go to lunch and chew
(02:37):
your food and spit it in a paper bag.
Wow.
A neighbor said this to you?
Yeah, and it was like one of mymom's best friends and, you know, she
was kind of a different lady, but.
But I don't remember my mom being like,no, don't you, you know, it was, it was
not that and I remember, family members,you know, saying on New Year's Eve,
(02:59):
I'll give you 100 and like I was in.
I think I was like infourth or fifth grade.
I'll give you 100 if, if you canlose 100 pounds by next New Year's.
My gosh.
You know, I, oh, go ahead.
And I, I think, I think like, youknow, they were trying to help.
And I'm sure we're worried and, and,and I know they wanted better for me.
(03:20):
But, yeah, that, that was a hard one.
Stephanie (03:23):
Oh, yeah.
For that focus to be there and for, youknow, I had some similar experiences.
Like I remember my dadsaying, I'll pay you 10 a day.
If you only eat fruits andvegetables or my grandmother saying,
oh, honey, if you just lost 20pounds, you could be miss America.
Like, did our parents and grandparentshave some pure intentions?
(03:44):
Probably.
Was the delivery completely The worstthing that they could have ever done.
Absolutely.
You know, because when you feel bad aboutyourself, it doesn't produce good results.
It produces shame andguilt and negative habits.
And then you get stuck in that.
And then sometimes we, how do wecomfort ourselves if we feel unloved?
(04:09):
Well, 10 year old child, but food is.
You know, so then, I mean, I feellike even in my own self, like that
became like something that I turnedto when I felt so bad, so unlovable.
Cat H (04:24):
Yeah.
And you can't control.
There's not, you know, there'snot much that a kid can control.
Like for me as parents, we kind of areable to control a lot of things for them.
But, what you put in your mouth andwhat you don't put in your mouth, that
is something you do have control over.
And so it has always felt like ifsomeone asked me, you know, who's
(04:45):
Catherine, or who's Kat, weight isreally the very first thing I think
Speaker 3 (04:51):
in my
Cat H (04:51):
I always felt invisible now.
I don't know if people, I don'tthink people see me as saw me
that way, but I felt that way.
And part of it is I wantedto feel that way because.
I didn't want anyone to see me.
but the ramification of that isthat even though I might have wanted
(05:14):
it, then I got what I wanted andthen I, then I wasn't visible or,
you know, and everything in life.
I was able to blame it on.
Weight.
Some of it was definitely, yes, it was aproduct of my weight, of why I couldn't do
(05:37):
X or Y. I wasn't good at X, Y, and Z, Andsome of it was just my convenient excuse.
and so my weight has been,something that I have put on
myself and I, that I've allowed.
(05:57):
But also at the same time, there's ashared responsibility in all of this.
You know, like, it's not just me.
It's not, it's not me just being lazyor undisciplined, which is something
that I always thought about myself.
I thought there's something wrongwith, because I can't lose the
weight or if I did lose the weight,I couldn't lose it, lose it for long.
(06:22):
Just, you know, And so I always feltless than, as I got older, you know, the,
the consequences for being overweight.
Really?
I started having to deal with those.
Like, I do think not beingoverweight did impact my ability.
to get pregnant.
(06:44):
I think there is.
I mean, I know that there is aconnection between weight and hormones.
And so I think that played a part in that.
and then in raising our son, I think thatalthough I've always tried very hard not
(07:05):
to make food a real focus of anything.
Because I didn't wantfood to be like the thing.
and I've always tried to stayactive with them and do things.
I could have been moreactive if I felt better.
Stephanie (07:22):
You know, it's interesting that you say you tried to have food not
be the focus, but in life food kind of isa part of family memories and traditions.
And, this is the dichotomous thingwhen you're a recovering alcoholic
or a recovering drug addict or arecovering smoker, you don't ever
touch a cigarette again or youdon't ever touch a drink again.
(07:44):
But those of us who've had troubleswith food and weight, we have to eat.
We have to put somethingin our body for nutrition.
So we are in that constantsort of facing our demons.
Day to day to day, three meals aday, social situations, holidays.
In fact, my holiday episode took meback because of smelling cardamom bread.
(08:07):
Because of this, you know, these, thesefamilial traditions, these spices, these
So, you know, then there's this thing thatyou're depriving yourself of pleasure.
And it's such a tricky sucha complicated thing, you
Cat H (08:25):
know, yeah, that dance, hey, I'm like, food isn't bad and it's not bad.
and sweets aren't bad, but in mylife, I couldn't have just one cookie.
Now, that being said, I've neverbeen someone to sit down and eat.
(08:48):
Like an entire package of cookies I think,you know, I think that in our society,
we have this view of people who are obeseof like, they're the ones that go through
the drive through who are getting 3 meals.
And then parking somewhere andjust stuffing binge eating binge.
(09:08):
Yeah.
Stephanie (09:09):
Yeah.
Cat H (09:09):
That's not the majority of people.
No, we're overweight.
No, not at all.
and so I, I've never done that.
I've never sat and ate anentire thing of ice cream.
Like, I can't imagine that, butat the same time, I couldn't just
have half a cup of ice cream inthe past and been okay with that.
That, I think like I would havewanted more and it was almost
(09:34):
like, why can't I have it?
Speaker 3 (09:37):
And then because
Cat H (09:38):
I couldn't have it or because I thought it was bad,
then I wanted it even more.
Absolutely.
I always think about like at, I used towork in a place where we had, a pantry
for young people to come and they couldjust, Come and graze and eat right?
And so there was lots of food that wasdonated and my office was right there.
(10:00):
And many times I was alone.
and so that pantry wouldliterally be talking.
To me and my brain all day long, itwas like probably what, an alcoholic
would feel like if they worked in a bar.
And I couldn't work sometimesbecause that, that noise was so
(10:21):
loud and it was, it was horrible.
So I was constantly battling that
Stephanie (10:30):
and, you know, the irony about weight and calories in and
calories out is that I read this likeeating 1 cookie a day for I don't
know how many whatever days or weeks.
makes you gain one pound.
Like, like this isn't right.
This isn't like binge eating.
This isn't like a box of Oreos.
This is like one little nibble afterbreakfast or one little nibble here
(10:52):
or one little extra this or, as moms.
Oh, I finished my kids.
Oh, they didn't eat this.
So I'm going to finish it.
I mean, I think that's probablyif I'm hearing you correctly, a
little bit more of the accuracy.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Yeah.
Stephanie (11:06):
Just a little bit here.
A little bit there.
Cat H (11:09):
I deserve it like that.
That mantra would be in mymind of like, you deserve this.
You work hard.
You've done, you know, so like.
Like a reward.
Yeah.
And, but at the same time whensomething bad was happening,
it was also like my hug.
Right?
(11:29):
So like I celebrated with food.
I cried with food.
I grieved with food, all of that.
and then you kind of, when you get tobe at a certain point with weight, then.
It makes it difficult to losebecause you are so far in a hole.
Mm-hmm mentally andemotionally and physically.
(11:52):
so you can't do what you need to do inorder to get yourself out of that hole.
Mm-hmm that was prettymuch what had happened.
I think once that all kind of settled.
Down, I was fine at 1st with coven andduring that time of, like, we were going
for walks I was maintaining what I had.
(12:12):
I had lost some weight prior and Iwas maintaining, but once it was done.
after the vaccine came out and I had beenvaccinated, I just couldn't get a grip.
I think that's when thedepression really hit me.
I was on this, go, go, go keep everythinggood, work, make sure my family's fine.
And then when I put my guard downis when I really noticed that.
(12:36):
I took a real big turn.
I think that I've suffered fromdepression probably my whole life
and I just didn't realize it.
And I'm someone who'svery self reflective.
But I don't think that I realized that.
And I think it happened so much over time
Stephanie (12:54):
that
Cat H (12:55):
I didn't realize where I was.
Stephanie (12:57):
the slow, slow, mild, mild.
Like.
It's easy not to be honest with yourself.
It's easy when you're a working motherjuggling a million things to literally
put yourself on the back burner andalmost, I don't want to use the word
dissociate because I know that'slike a clinical psychological term.
But almost like, okay, I woke up.
(13:19):
I did this.
I did this.
I'll never forget seeing one ofmy colleagues as a chiropractor.
And he said, well, areyou stretching this?
And I'm like, no, like, I'm, I'm wakingup and I'm running to work and I'm getting
my kids and I'm making their lunch.
No, I mean, really?
yeah.
I'm not, I'm not going tomake myself a healthy salad.
(13:40):
I'm going to make my kids thisand my husband this, but no,
I'm just going to survive.
Right.
Like, so perhaps with your, you know, youjust gave everything to everyone else.
I don't know.
I'm not, I don't mean to put words inyour mouth, but, you know, it's easy
not to acknowledge what you feel.
Cat H (13:59):
Yeah.
You want people to think you'reokay with even your weight
or with your mental health.
And so you do a lot to puton a smile and just pretend.
when this all came to ahead for me, as far as.
The mental health component of my weight.
it wasn't good at all.
(14:20):
I was very self isolating.
my husband didn't even know there wasanything wrong my family didn't, my
brothers and sisters had no idea andI was having some pretty major issues.
I finally realized, I was so afraid thatI was going to, have a heart attack, that
I couldn't even imagine, next Christmasbecause I, in my head, I was wondering
(14:40):
if I would even be around for that.
But at the same time, Ididn't know how to fix it.
Stephanie (14:46):
were you actually having clinical health problems
Cat H (14:50):
because of, of your weight or, well, I had stopped going to the
doctor, and it was because I didn'twant to hear from a doctor like, you're
obese because, you know, like I, youknow, when you're overweight and you
go to the doctor and you're like,okay, you're, you're obese, or actually
what, you know, what the, what you seeor what you'd say is morbidly obese.
(15:10):
So you see that and it,you're just a failure.
And you don't need anyoneelse reminding you of that and
knowing that about you as well.
So I just didn't want to even have anyoneknow that, know that I wasn't okay.
So I had stopped going to the doctor,but when I started feeling really
bad, I realized I had to take control.
(15:32):
And I had to at least make a step.
And so I did that, and I remember goingback to, I started with a new doctor,
and I sobbed through the whole first.
appointment I just saw to the pointwhere I could hardly talk and, and
she was so gracious and she was like,okay, we're, we're putting you on some
antidepressants and like, who isn't onthem is feels like so many folks are
(15:57):
on them now, but like, I, that helpedat least that, like, the sun kind of
peaked out from the clouds, at least.
and, you know, I know thisis extremely kind of morbid,
but it was what, what it was.
I was so afraid that if I died that,I didn't want my family to have
(16:17):
to get like an extra large casket.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Oh,
Cat H (16:20):
So like, that's where my head wasn't, wasn't that I was going to die.
It was that I didn't want anyoneto know that or I didn't want
my family to have to do that.
I didn't want anyone to haveto lift my casket, like just.
That is what would begoing on in my, my brain.
So like if you're in there at that headspace, how do you make yourself better?
you can't get better.
Stephanie (16:43):
yeah, I think about like the negative self-talk.
like sometimes negative self-talkis like something so simple, right?
like, I can't believeyou ate that extra thing.
Or like, you can't evenfit into your jeans.
This is like deep dark.
the depths of negative self talk.
It's like
Cat H (17:01):
food, right?
Like, my issue is not I mean, it is food.
It's manifesting it like that.
But like, I think that iteither becomes or I don't know.
It may have started as food, but thenit becomes something so much more.
Yeah.
And, I, you know, youdon't feel like you belong.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
You
Cat H (17:18):
don't feel like you're seeing you feel like you're
so different than everyone.
You don't feel like you matter.
You don't feel like you'relovable, like all of that.
And it's just constant.
It's from the moment you wake upuntil the time you go to bed of
that reminder of all those things.
(17:39):
and I see it, like, in our world, Ithink, now that I've lost some weight,
and I'm thinking clearer, and I have somuch more hope, When I go to a concert,
I don't have to spend weeks upon weeksworrying if I'm going to fit in a chair.
(18:00):
And if I don't fit in a chair,then the people around me are
going to know that I don't belong.
Or that I'm too big for that chair.
Or, you know, at work or atdifferent events, they have shirts.
Well, they usually only golike, small to extra large.
(18:21):
If you're lucky, they might havean extra small and a double XL.
Well, like, that isn't going to fit me.
And, so you are reminding aperson that they don't belong.
Just like that, like, in schools,uniforms, like, you know, sixth
(18:42):
grade played basketball, thebasketball uniform didn't fit me.
I didn't fit in a large.
I was six feet in sixth grade.
Like my body type is not little, not onlyweight, but your frame, your frame is.
Yeah,
Stephanie (19:00):
we each are born with such a very, very, very different
blueprint for the size of our body.
What the length of our fingers, the sizeof our ears, how tall we're going to grow.
And, you know, it's so crazybecause on the flip side of this.
Is that I know several high schoolstudents who if they could just grow two
more inches or if they could just gain 25more pounds, you know, I'm thinking more
(19:24):
boys than girls, but like to be tall andor big is very, that's a high accolade.
If you're a football player,you want to be bigger and
taller and bigger and taller.
But to be a female, completelydifferent experience.
Cat H (19:39):
Yeah, how do you feel feminine?
Like, I never felt feminine.
I remember in college.
You know, this guy is a friendof mine and he like came up to me
and he like pretended like he wasgoing to tackle me and he kind of
pushed me and, and it was a joke.
I made a joke.
I mean, I have a good sense of humor.
So I remember taking his handand making him like touch my
(20:01):
arm and like, like pat my arm.
And I would say, gentle with Catherine.
Catherine's a girl.
You have to be gentle.
And it was a joke, but it wasn't ajoke like, I don't want to be tackled.
I'm not your buddy.
Right.
and I was always treatedvery much like not a female.
(20:23):
And I think all of thisstuff like plays into it, you
Stephanie (20:26):
know, it's layers and layers and layers.
And, you know, we talked a little bitabout your, like, vocal music talent
and the fact that in high school,like, you were not cast as like
Cinderella or, you know, the, I was
Cat H (20:40):
the ugly old hag, like, literally, that was her title.
I played her well, but I was theugly old hang so constant and a lot
of us have had these experiences.
Why mine became such, a big deal, Idon't know, but, I don't want to say
(21:02):
like I'm a victim and then that's it.
That is part of it.
things happen, but then you allow thingsto happen and then you make poor choices
and you get stuck so it is this sharedresponsibility that I have, now I feel
free, like, you know, thinking abouttraveling, the first thing I would
(21:22):
think is, I can't travel because I'mnot going to fit into an airplane seat
or, I don't want to be that person.
I don't want someone next tome being like, You know, I have
this bigger person next to me.
They're touching me.
I, so I wouldn't want to travel.
And now I'm like, Ican do whatever I want.
(21:42):
and what a beautiful freedom.
And yeah, I think like that,that word freedom for me.
Has been the thing that keeps comingin my mind of like, I feel free.
I don't feel bound.
I'm not a prisoner in my body.
I can move.
my family isn't leaving me behind.
(22:05):
In fact, now I hear like, you'rewalking fast, you know, like, yeah.
Yeah, which is nice.
I mean, that's a good problem for me.
And, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I work with young people.
Many of them walk still walkfaster than me, but, but.
I don't have to always be wondering,how am I going to control this
situation so that I can performthe way I need to perform without
(22:30):
anyone knowing that I'm struggling,
Stephanie (22:34):
you know, it is so.
Mind boggling to me that this has like,basically hijacked your brain and your
mind and your thoughts and like the everydecision that you make, like, what a, what
a prison to be in, you know, would yousay that there have been covert or overt
(22:56):
discriminations because of your weight?
in circumstances as an adult?
Cat H (23:02):
you know, like my professional career, I don't think so.
I have something really good going forme and that's that I, I do think I have
a, a personality that does stand out.
and I can, I am funny and I'm not afraidto, to be with people and I enjoy people.
(23:23):
and so that has helped meimmensely, but I've learned how to
do that because of my appearance.
And my physical limitations.
I've had to use that to be, you know,to kind of even that playing field.
I don't know if anyone even realizes it.
(23:44):
And, and I don't know if it'sappropriate to use this term,
but like microaggression.
Okay.
I mean, there are many people in our worldwho are suffering from microaggressions
and who are dealing with that on aday to day basis because of race or
ethnicity or sexuality or gender.
But, I think there is microaggressionsfor those who are obese.
(24:12):
like I said, you know, the uniformthing or the t shirt thing.
Yeah.
In your office.
What kind of chairs do you have?
Do you have chairs with, with,arms and is that the most friendly?
we have no problem kind of looking at, oh,we need to make sure that, that everyone
(24:32):
from, you know, how do I say this?
We have no problem trying to accommodatepeople in many different situations.
However, I think we miss.
Those people who are physically obese,like, who are obese, and I don't know if
(24:54):
it's because we feel like, well, they'veallowed themselves to be that way,
Speaker 3 (24:59):
or if they
Cat H (24:59):
don't want to be that way, then they need to change it.
true cultural discrimination.
Yes.
You don't realize that, youknow, when you have chairs.
And they have our grass.
What does that mean?
Or if you have a restaurant and youhave all high tops, how is someone
who is not thin going to sit there?
(25:20):
turnstiles.
I'm just thinking of like normal, youknow, at your home, you're sitting outside
and you have friends over and, You givethem these little tiny plastic chairs.
And all of a sudden now yourguest is trying to think like,
Am I gonna collapse this?
Or can I even get my back end intoit, you know, and I don't want anyone
(25:44):
to know that that's where I'm at.
Stephanie (25:47):
Yeah.
Cat H (25:47):
It's that microaggression and reminder that you don't fit in.
You don't belong.
You are a failure.
I used to think that.
my brain had to be the first thingthat got better and then I could lose
the weight and I think some of that istrue, but I don't know how you do that.
If you can't maybe lose some weight1st to feel like you finally kind of.
(26:13):
Have some freedom, and then yourbrain can start to come on, at
least in my experience, the weightfirst had to kind of come off.
and then I was able to kindof feel the freedom and,
understand myself a little bit.
Stephanie (26:32):
Have you been kinder to yourself?
Have you been able to, change thenarrative in your mind and your brain?
Cat H (26:42):
I'm very open about this, so I don't mind sharing how I've lost weight.
I have tried all kinds ofdiets and different kinds of
healthy eating and lifestyles.
and they may have workedfor a very short time.
But nothing has been able toget me a good amount of weight.
Nothing over a span of like a year.
It might be like maybe 3 or 4months where I was on something.
(27:04):
but I did start to take, becauseI was having issues within like my
blood sugar and higher blood pressure.
So I did start on the injections.
And so that has been how I'vebeen able to lose weight.
don't get me wrong, Istill have to do the work.
But that has been enoughto change my brain.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Mm.
Cat H (27:27):
and, I don't have the food noise anymore and I didn't realize that
was a thing until I didn't have it.
Mm-hmm . And so now like if I'm at work, Ican, if they have like a plate of cookies
out that doesn't talk to me In fact, Imay go a whole day and not even have one.
Or maybe have one or half aone and then that, that's fine.
(27:50):
You can stop.
I don't have a cookie.
And I don't think about it.
and it's just not nagging me all the time.
So that has been the trick for me.
has been the food noise.
I didn't realize when peoplesaid, like, well, just have one.
I thought, what are they on?
And I want that, like,whatever, whatever they're on.
(28:12):
Yeah, you know, but I didn'trealize that was normal.
I didn't realize that there wassomething not quite right with me.
And so when that stopped.
Then I was able to make better choices.
Stephanie (28:29):
So we talked a little bit about this food noise and I love Jamie
Kern Lima and she and Oprah did thespecial, which I unfortunately didn't
have the opportunity to see, but shetalks about it a little bit in her book
and you said that you felt so much like.
Like validation when you, you did getto see that, that special and you're,
(28:51):
I mean, I think what you said isthat, you know, that I'm, I'm normal.
Like, this is like so many, somany people have the same quote
unquote issue or the same food noiseor the same, you know, struggle.
Cat H (29:06):
Yeah.
I watched it.
I sobbed.
I didn't even cry.
It was like the ugly cry.
You know, I just sobbed through it.
I had to watch it a couple of timesso I could actually catch everything.
I did sob through the whole thingbecause I thought, Oh my gosh, someone
has put into words what I felt.
And I didn't know otherpeople felt that way.
(29:27):
and that just, that was an amazingmoment for me of realizing that.
There is hope, one.
And, and two, like, I'm not, I mean,I'm not, it's not that I'm not normal.
I am normal, but I'm abnormal.
(29:49):
I'm abnormally normal.
and that was a really,that was a pivotal moment.
I think for myself just to understanda little bit more about me and
that, that I wasn't a failure.
Yeah.
It wasn't that I was lazy.
Stephanie (30:07):
No, absolutely not.
you know, those people who love you.
They see you.
They don't see a number on a scale.
They don't see the size of your clothing.
They don't see, a physical creature.
they see you.
And I think that so many people, needto start by loving yourself enough
(30:30):
to say, I want to be free or lovingyourself enough to say, I'm going to
change the energetic cellular, beingof who I am, because I am not bad.
I am not a demon.
I'm not a degenerate,like, you know, I mean.
It's so self, self.
(30:52):
I mean, I'm the, I am thequeen of self deprecation.
I mean, I use it as a, you know, evenwith my patients, like, you know, I know
they, they see my size, you know, I'mnot like 110 pound, like weightlifting
chiropractor, like, I mean, and weprobably all of us who are overweight
have that always in the back of our mind.
(31:13):
But, you know, if I could share.
I want, you to feel like you'reworthy, no matter what that scale
says, no matter what it did say, youhave contributed to society in such
beautiful ways and raising this beautifulfamily and done all these things.
it breaks my heart to think aboutall of those limitations, I can't
(31:36):
do this because of this and whatwould happen because of this.
Cat H (31:39):
Yeah, I mean.
I still have that bad view ofmyself when I look in a mirror.
you know, body dysmorphia.
I don't know if I'll ever be.
I don't know how that changes.
I probably need to go to therapy at somepoint in my life, but like, I don't know
(32:00):
how that's going to change, you know, youasked about, like, has all of that kind
of change that self talk and it hasn't,just recently I went on a scale and I
was like, oh, my gosh, I'm up 4 pounds.
and I just, I just went into thistailspin of like, you know, see, you
(32:21):
can't do this and, and, you know,look at, look at your double chin.
See, your double chin is back andI just felt icky all day and then I
had to really kind of stop and go catfour pounds like tomorrow morning.
I may wake up and it's gone andit was like the next morning.
(32:42):
I got on the scale.
It was gone.
I was right back down.
so, yeah, I don't I struggle with that.
I struggle with, like, lookingin the mirror and not seeing.
I know that, like, what otherpeople see is not what I've seen
Stephanie (33:01):
even after 110 pounds
Cat H (33:03):
I see a difference.
I do see a difference, but not.
There was a friend lately who askedif I wanted to, if they had some pants
that, that they don't fit in anymorebecause they've lost a bunch of weight.
So they said, you know, would you like.
Would you like these pants?
I hope that's not offensive.
And they said, no, no, it's not offensive.
(33:24):
and so, they were like, great, great.
I'll give them to you.
One of the jeans is a size14 and the other size 12s.
I just kind of choked on my own spit.
And I was like, you know, I thinkmy size is probably divisible by
12, you know, and I joked about it.
I can't even imagine being a 12.
(33:45):
I don't think I've ever been a 12.
I literally feel in my life that I wentfrom, like, A 3T like a toddler to a
22, I just feel like there was thismoment in my life that I went from a
toddler from, Oshkosh to the plus on thesection at fashion blog many years ago.
Stephanie (34:08):
But this goes to show that your body dysmorphia is so strong because
this other woman looked at you and said.
Cat's probably a size 12 or a size 14.
So, yeah, just
Cat H (34:21):
that disconnect.
And I don't, I mean, mysize is nowhere near 12.
Now it's now, is it out ofthe realm of possibility?
I don't know about 12, but a 14, no,like I'm not that far away, but like,
I can't even wrap my head around them.
(34:41):
I've never been able to goto a regular store and buy.
A shirt or a pair of jeans, pack, evensocks, like, like, just like cute socks.
Like, when you get overweight, youdon't you can't fit into those.
So, like, yeah, I just can't even imagine.
(35:02):
I mean, now I'm starting now.
I'm able to do some of that.
and so now I'll probably haveanother issue on my hands while I'm
behind me buying off type of crap.
my husband is like, what the heck,but, um, thrifting is the answer.
Yeah.
You can't do that when you're bigger.
Stephanie (35:19):
Some stores have some plus size thrifting stuff, but yeah.
Do you have a number or a size or agoal or are you just on this journey
and you're seeing where it takes you?
Cat H (35:31):
I've had some smaller goals.
Mm-hmm and I've accomplished two of them.
And I'm not far from the next one.
and the next goal, that's like thenext one that's in within my reach.
I always thought, man, if I could justget to that, like, then that'd be great.
(35:51):
but I never felt likethat was a possibility.
so, that is a possibility for me.
the next thing in my journey now isI really need to start exercising and
working out because like, if you don't,I don't want to just be hanging skin.
I'm older to those.
So I don't know, like, how'smy skin going to snap back and.
(36:13):
so I need to start doing that.
I'm much more active now, butI need to be even more active.
So like, that's now in my mind.
Like, that's my next goal is I wantto start becoming more physically
active and lifting weights and buildingmuscle now that I've lost been able
to burn a lot of fat and then I'llbe able to probably accomplish that.
(36:34):
That next goal after that.
I don't have anythingin my mind after that.
I'm sure I know what the governmenttells me should be my goal.
I don't think that I'll probablyever be in that way again.
My frame is not like that.
No, but I just want tobe able to feel good.
(36:59):
I just want to be able to buyclothes at a normal store.
I'm not asking for a lot.
But, I, I just want to feel like I fit in.
I don't want to stick out.
And if I do stick out, I want it tobe, I want to stick out for good.
(37:20):
For something good.
I, I want to do theater.
I haven't wanted to do theater becauseI didn't want people looking at me.
And I was afraid of what kindof costume they would put me in.
so I want to do those types of things.
I want to be happy.
I am happy now.
I'm much happier, but I want tobe even happier than I am now.
Stephanie (37:42):
Well, Kat, I truly believe that no matter what our age, we can
fulfill any dream that we've had.
And that's my wish for you.
That is my wish for you that you can.
Stop all the negative self talkand just love yourself so much.
Like other people love you andallow the world to see you.
(38:05):
Like, I can't wait for youto be up on that stage.
Thank you so much for being so vulnerableand giving us this time and this
sort of look into your experiences.
I really know that it's going to toucha lot of lives because there's so
many people with the same struggle.
So thanks Kat.
(38:25):
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (38:30):
Thank you so much for listening.
If you've enjoyed this podcast,would you please rate it,
review it, like or subscribe?
You can find me on socialmedia at WatchYourWellness.
com, Dr. Stephanie Wattier onInstagram, or Watch Your Wellness
Chiropractic and Massage on Facebook.
(38:51):
And I'm so curious where yournext conversation will take you.
Hi, this is Dr. Stephanie Wautier, and I'm the host of
Conversations with a Chiropractor.
This is not a health how to, butrather a conversation with some
amazing people I've had the pleasureof being with on my journey of life.
Think of it more like Tuesdays with Maury.
A fireside chat orchicken soup for the soul.
(00:27):
Grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and enjoythis conversation with a chiropractor.
Thank you so much for being onconversations with a chiropractor.
Cat H (00:44):
Thank you for having me.
Stephanie (00:46):
So today we are going to dive fast and deep into the topic of weight.
And you have recently posted that you arenow at the 115 pound mark of weight loss.
I would love for you to share withour listeners just your journey.
let's talk about weight.
Cat H (01:07):
weight has been a huge weight to carry.
And yeah, 115 pounds so far.
but I don't feel like the weight, thenumber even matters really to me, which
is very different than in the past.
I think now I feel like freedom is reallyhow I feel like I'm not carrying the
(01:33):
weight on my shoulders and in my heartI have always been overweight, or I
have always thought and had been treatedthat I was overweight when I look at
pictures from when I was a little kid.
I wouldn't if I looked at thatkid, now I wouldn't have thought
that person was overweight.
(01:55):
But I remember conversations that werebeing had with me that was very focused on
weight, come from a great family, lovingparents and I'm the baby of six kids.
all of us have issueswith weight or body image.
We've all struggled in different ways.
(02:15):
one of us is thin, but I knowthat they also struggled,
with self image in their life.
but everyone else, as far as beingoverweight, have fluctuated throughout
the years and it's been a battle.
from a very young age, I remember inkindergarten, first grade, a neighbor
had told me, you know, what you need todo is you need to go to lunch and chew
(02:37):
your food and spit it in a paper bag.
Wow.
A neighbor said this to you?
Yeah, and it was like one of mymom's best friends and, you know, she
was kind of a different lady, but.
But I don't remember my mom being like,no, don't you, you know, it was, it was
not that and I remember, family members,you know, saying on New Year's Eve,
(02:59):
I'll give you 100 and like I was in.
I think I was like infourth or fifth grade.
I'll give you 100 if, if you canlose 100 pounds by next New Year's.
My gosh.
You know, I, oh, go ahead.
And I, I think, I think like, youknow, they were trying to help.
And I'm sure we're worried and, and,and I know they wanted better for me.
(03:20):
But, yeah, that, that was a hard one.
Stephanie (03:23):
Oh, yeah.
For that focus to be there and for, youknow, I had some similar experiences.
Like I remember my dadsaying, I'll pay you 10 a day.
If you only eat fruits andvegetables or my grandmother saying,
oh, honey, if you just lost 20pounds, you could be miss America.
Like, did our parents and grandparentshave some pure intentions?
(03:44):
Probably.
Was the delivery completely The worstthing that they could have ever done.
Absolutely.
You know, because when you feel bad aboutyourself, it doesn't produce good results.
It produces shame andguilt and negative habits.
And then you get stuck in that.
And then sometimes we, how do wecomfort ourselves if we feel unloved?
(04:09):
Well, 10 year old child, but food is.
You know, so then, I mean, I feellike even in my own self, like that
became like something that I turnedto when I felt so bad, so unlovable.
Cat H (04:24):
Yeah.
And you can't control.
There's not, you know, there'snot much that a kid can control.
Like for me as parents, we kind of areable to control a lot of things for them.
But, what you put in your mouth andwhat you don't put in your mouth, that
is something you do have control over.
And so it has always felt like ifsomeone asked me, you know, who's
(04:45):
Catherine, or who's Kat, weight isreally the very first thing I think
Speaker 3 (04:51):
in my
Cat H (04:51):
I always felt invisible now.
I don't know if people, I don'tthink people see me as saw me
that way, but I felt that way.
And part of it is I wantedto feel that way because.
I didn't want anyone to see me.
but the ramification of that isthat even though I might have wanted
(05:14):
it, then I got what I wanted andthen I, then I wasn't visible or,
you know, and everything in life.
I was able to blame it on.
Weight.
Some of it was definitely, yes, it was aproduct of my weight, of why I couldn't do
(05:37):
X or Y. I wasn't good at X, Y, and Z, Andsome of it was just my convenient excuse.
and so my weight has been,something that I have put on
myself and I, that I've allowed.
(05:57):
But also at the same time, there's ashared responsibility in all of this.
You know, like, it's not just me.
It's not, it's not me just being lazyor undisciplined, which is something
that I always thought about myself.
I thought there's something wrongwith, because I can't lose the
weight or if I did lose the weight,I couldn't lose it, lose it for long.
(06:22):
Just, you know, And so I always feltless than, as I got older, you know, the,
the consequences for being overweight.
Really?
I started having to deal with those.
Like, I do think not beingoverweight did impact my ability.
to get pregnant.
(06:44):
I think there is.
I mean, I know that there is aconnection between weight and hormones.
And so I think that played a part in that.
and then in raising our son, I think thatalthough I've always tried very hard not
(07:05):
to make food a real focus of anything.
Because I didn't wantfood to be like the thing.
and I've always tried to stayactive with them and do things.
I could have been moreactive if I felt better.
Stephanie (07:22):
You know, it's interesting that you say you tried to have food not
be the focus, but in life food kind of isa part of family memories and traditions.
And, this is the dichotomous thingwhen you're a recovering alcoholic
or a recovering drug addict or arecovering smoker, you don't ever
touch a cigarette again or youdon't ever touch a drink again.
(07:44):
But those of us who've had troubleswith food and weight, we have to eat.
We have to put somethingin our body for nutrition.
So we are in that constantsort of facing our demons.
Day to day to day, three meals aday, social situations, holidays.
In fact, my holiday episode took meback because of smelling cardamom bread.
(08:07):
Because of this, you know, these, thesefamilial traditions, these spices, these
So, you know, then there's this thing thatyou're depriving yourself of pleasure.
And it's such a tricky sucha complicated thing, you
Cat H (08:25):
know, yeah, that dance, hey, I'm like, food isn't bad and it's not bad.
and sweets aren't bad, but in mylife, I couldn't have just one cookie.
Now, that being said, I've neverbeen someone to sit down and eat.
(08:48):
Like an entire package of cookies I think,you know, I think that in our society,
we have this view of people who are obeseof like, they're the ones that go through
the drive through who are getting 3 meals.
And then parking somewhere andjust stuffing binge eating binge.
(09:08):
Yeah.
Stephanie (09:09):
Yeah.
Cat H (09:09):
That's not the majority of people.
No, we're overweight.
No, not at all.
and so I, I've never done that.
I've never sat and ate anentire thing of ice cream.
Like, I can't imagine that, butat the same time, I couldn't just
have half a cup of ice cream inthe past and been okay with that.
That, I think like I would havewanted more and it was almost
(09:34):
like, why can't I have it?
Speaker 3 (09:37):
And then because
Cat H (09:38):
I couldn't have it or because I thought it was bad,
then I wanted it even more.
Absolutely.
I always think about like at, I used towork in a place where we had, a pantry
for young people to come and they couldjust, Come and graze and eat right?
And so there was lots of food that wasdonated and my office was right there.
(10:00):
And many times I was alone.
and so that pantry wouldliterally be talking.
To me and my brain all day long, itwas like probably what, an alcoholic
would feel like if they worked in a bar.
And I couldn't work sometimesbecause that, that noise was so
(10:21):
loud and it was, it was horrible.
So I was constantly battling that
Stephanie (10:30):
and, you know, the irony about weight and calories in and
calories out is that I read this likeeating 1 cookie a day for I don't
know how many whatever days or weeks.
makes you gain one pound.
Like, like this isn't right.
This isn't like binge eating.
This isn't like a box of Oreos.
This is like one little nibble afterbreakfast or one little nibble here
(10:52):
or one little extra this or, as moms.
Oh, I finished my kids.
Oh, they didn't eat this.
So I'm going to finish it.
I mean, I think that's probablyif I'm hearing you correctly, a
little bit more of the accuracy.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Yeah.
Stephanie (11:06):
Just a little bit here.
A little bit there.
Cat H (11:09):
I deserve it like that.
That mantra would be in mymind of like, you deserve this.
You work hard.
You've done, you know, so like.
Like a reward.
Yeah.
And, but at the same time whensomething bad was happening,
it was also like my hug.
Right?
(11:29):
So like I celebrated with food.
I cried with food.
I grieved with food, all of that.
and then you kind of, when you get tobe at a certain point with weight, then.
It makes it difficult to losebecause you are so far in a hole.
Mm-hmm mentally andemotionally and physically.
(11:52):
so you can't do what you need to do inorder to get yourself out of that hole.
Mm-hmm that was prettymuch what had happened.
I think once that all kind of settled.
Down, I was fine at 1st with coven andduring that time of, like, we were going
for walks I was maintaining what I had.
(12:12):
I had lost some weight prior and Iwas maintaining, but once it was done.
after the vaccine came out and I had beenvaccinated, I just couldn't get a grip.
I think that's when thedepression really hit me.
I was on this, go, go, go keep everythinggood, work, make sure my family's fine.
And then when I put my guard downis when I really noticed that.
(12:36):
I took a real big turn.
I think that I've suffered fromdepression probably my whole life
and I just didn't realize it.
And I'm someone who'svery self reflective.
But I don't think that I realized that.
And I think it happened so much over time
Stephanie (12:54):
that
Cat H (12:55):
I didn't realize where I was.
Stephanie (12:57):
the slow, slow, mild, mild.
Like.
It's easy not to be honest with yourself.
It's easy when you're a working motherjuggling a million things to literally
put yourself on the back burner andalmost, I don't want to use the word
dissociate because I know that'slike a clinical psychological term.
But almost like, okay, I woke up.
(13:19):
I did this.
I did this.
I'll never forget seeing one ofmy colleagues as a chiropractor.
And he said, well, areyou stretching this?
And I'm like, no, like, I'm, I'm wakingup and I'm running to work and I'm getting
my kids and I'm making their lunch.
No, I mean, really?
yeah.
I'm not, I'm not going tomake myself a healthy salad.
(13:40):
I'm going to make my kids thisand my husband this, but no,
I'm just going to survive.
Right.
Like, so perhaps with your, you know, youjust gave everything to everyone else.
I don't know.
I'm not, I don't mean to put words inyour mouth, but, you know, it's easy
not to acknowledge what you feel.
Cat H (13:59):
Yeah.
You want people to think you'reokay with even your weight
or with your mental health.
And so you do a lot to puton a smile and just pretend.
when this all came to ahead for me, as far as.
The mental health component of my weight.
it wasn't good at all.
(14:20):
I was very self isolating.
my husband didn't even know there wasanything wrong my family didn't, my
brothers and sisters had no idea andI was having some pretty major issues.
I finally realized, I was so afraid thatI was going to, have a heart attack, that
I couldn't even imagine, next Christmasbecause I, in my head, I was wondering
(14:40):
if I would even be around for that.
But at the same time, Ididn't know how to fix it.
Stephanie (14:46):
were you actually having clinical health problems
Cat H (14:50):
because of, of your weight or, well, I had stopped going to the
doctor, and it was because I didn'twant to hear from a doctor like, you're
obese because, you know, like I, youknow, when you're overweight and you
go to the doctor and you're like,okay, you're, you're obese, or actually
what, you know, what the, what you seeor what you'd say is morbidly obese.
(15:10):
So you see that and it,you're just a failure.
And you don't need anyoneelse reminding you of that and
knowing that about you as well.
So I just didn't want to even have anyoneknow that, know that I wasn't okay.
So I had stopped going to the doctor,but when I started feeling really
bad, I realized I had to take control.
(15:32):
And I had to at least make a step.
And so I did that, and I remember goingback to, I started with a new doctor,
and I sobbed through the whole first.
appointment I just saw to the pointwhere I could hardly talk and, and
she was so gracious and she was like,okay, we're, we're putting you on some
antidepressants and like, who isn't onthem is feels like so many folks are
(15:57):
on them now, but like, I, that helpedat least that, like, the sun kind of
peaked out from the clouds, at least.
and, you know, I know thisis extremely kind of morbid,
but it was what, what it was.
I was so afraid that if I died that,I didn't want my family to have
(16:17):
to get like an extra large casket.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Oh,
Cat H (16:20):
So like, that's where my head wasn't, wasn't that I was going to die.
It was that I didn't want anyoneto know that or I didn't want
my family to have to do that.
I didn't want anyone to haveto lift my casket, like just.
That is what would begoing on in my, my brain.
So like if you're in there at that headspace, how do you make yourself better?
you can't get better.
Stephanie (16:43):
yeah, I think about like the negative self-talk.
like sometimes negative self-talkis like something so simple, right?
like, I can't believeyou ate that extra thing.
Or like, you can't evenfit into your jeans.
This is like deep dark.
the depths of negative self talk.
It's like
Cat H (17:01):
food, right?
Like, my issue is not I mean, it is food.
It's manifesting it like that.
But like, I think that iteither becomes or I don't know.
It may have started as food, but thenit becomes something so much more.
Yeah.
And, I, you know, youdon't feel like you belong.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
You
Cat H (17:18):
don't feel like you're seeing you feel like you're
so different than everyone.
You don't feel like you matter.
You don't feel like you'relovable, like all of that.
And it's just constant.
It's from the moment you wake upuntil the time you go to bed of
that reminder of all those things.
(17:39):
and I see it, like, in our world, Ithink, now that I've lost some weight,
and I'm thinking clearer, and I have somuch more hope, When I go to a concert,
I don't have to spend weeks upon weeksworrying if I'm going to fit in a chair.
(18:00):
And if I don't fit in a chair,then the people around me are
going to know that I don't belong.
Or that I'm too big for that chair.
Or, you know, at work or atdifferent events, they have shirts.
Well, they usually only golike, small to extra large.
(18:21):
If you're lucky, they might havean extra small and a double XL.
Well, like, that isn't going to fit me.
And, so you are reminding aperson that they don't belong.
Just like that, like, in schools,uniforms, like, you know, sixth
(18:42):
grade played basketball, thebasketball uniform didn't fit me.
I didn't fit in a large.
I was six feet in sixth grade.
Like my body type is not little, not onlyweight, but your frame, your frame is.
Yeah,
Stephanie (19:00):
we each are born with such a very, very, very different
blueprint for the size of our body.
What the length of our fingers, the sizeof our ears, how tall we're going to grow.
And, you know, it's so crazybecause on the flip side of this.
Is that I know several high schoolstudents who if they could just grow two
more inches or if they could just gain 25more pounds, you know, I'm thinking more
(19:24):
boys than girls, but like to be tall andor big is very, that's a high accolade.
If you're a football player,you want to be bigger and
taller and bigger and taller.
But to be a female, completelydifferent experience.
Cat H (19:39):
Yeah, how do you feel feminine?
Like, I never felt feminine.
I remember in college.
You know, this guy is a friendof mine and he like came up to me
and he like pretended like he wasgoing to tackle me and he kind of
pushed me and, and it was a joke.
I made a joke.
I mean, I have a good sense of humor.
So I remember taking his handand making him like touch my
(20:01):
arm and like, like pat my arm.
And I would say, gentle with Catherine.
Catherine's a girl.
You have to be gentle.
And it was a joke, but it wasn't ajoke like, I don't want to be tackled.
I'm not your buddy.
Right.
and I was always treatedvery much like not a female.
(20:23):
And I think all of thisstuff like plays into it, you
Stephanie (20:26):
know, it's layers and layers and layers.
And, you know, we talked a little bitabout your, like, vocal music talent
and the fact that in high school,like, you were not cast as like
Cinderella or, you know, the, I was
Cat H (20:40):
the ugly old hag, like, literally, that was her title.
I played her well, but I was theugly old hang so constant and a lot
of us have had these experiences.
Why mine became such, a big deal, Idon't know, but, I don't want to say
(21:02):
like I'm a victim and then that's it.
That is part of it.
things happen, but then you allow thingsto happen and then you make poor choices
and you get stuck so it is this sharedresponsibility that I have, now I feel
free, like, you know, thinking abouttraveling, the first thing I would
(21:22):
think is, I can't travel because I'mnot going to fit into an airplane seat
or, I don't want to be that person.
I don't want someone next tome being like, You know, I have
this bigger person next to me.
They're touching me.
I, so I wouldn't want to travel.
And now I'm like, Ican do whatever I want.
(21:42):
and what a beautiful freedom.
And yeah, I think like that,that word freedom for me.
Has been the thing that keeps comingin my mind of like, I feel free.
I don't feel bound.
I'm not a prisoner in my body.
I can move.
my family isn't leaving me behind.
(22:05):
In fact, now I hear like, you'rewalking fast, you know, like, yeah.
Yeah, which is nice.
I mean, that's a good problem for me.
And, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I work with young people.
Many of them walk still walkfaster than me, but, but.
I don't have to always be wondering,how am I going to control this
situation so that I can performthe way I need to perform without
(22:30):
anyone knowing that I'm struggling,
Stephanie (22:34):
you know, it is so.
Mind boggling to me that this has like,basically hijacked your brain and your
mind and your thoughts and like the everydecision that you make, like, what a, what
a prison to be in, you know, would yousay that there have been covert or overt
(22:56):
discriminations because of your weight?
in circumstances as an adult?
Cat H (23:02):
you know, like my professional career, I don't think so.
I have something really good going forme and that's that I, I do think I have
a, a personality that does stand out.
and I can, I am funny and I'm not afraidto, to be with people and I enjoy people.
(23:23):
and so that has helped meimmensely, but I've learned how to
do that because of my appearance.
And my physical limitations.
I've had to use that to be, you know,to kind of even that playing field.
I don't know if anyone even realizes it.
(23:44):
And, and I don't know if it'sappropriate to use this term,
but like microaggression.
Okay.
I mean, there are many people in our worldwho are suffering from microaggressions
and who are dealing with that on aday to day basis because of race or
ethnicity or sexuality or gender.
But, I think there is microaggressionsfor those who are obese.
(24:12):
like I said, you know, the uniformthing or the t shirt thing.
Yeah.
In your office.
What kind of chairs do you have?
Do you have chairs with, with,arms and is that the most friendly?
we have no problem kind of looking at, oh,we need to make sure that, that everyone
(24:32):
from, you know, how do I say this?
We have no problem trying to accommodatepeople in many different situations.
However, I think we miss.
Those people who are physically obese,like, who are obese, and I don't know if
(24:54):
it's because we feel like, well, they'veallowed themselves to be that way,
Speaker 3 (24:59):
or if they
Cat H (24:59):
don't want to be that way, then they need to change it.
true cultural discrimination.
Yes.
You don't realize that, youknow, when you have chairs.
And they have our grass.
What does that mean?
Or if you have a restaurant and youhave all high tops, how is someone
who is not thin going to sit there?
(25:20):
turnstiles.
I'm just thinking of like normal, youknow, at your home, you're sitting outside
and you have friends over and, You givethem these little tiny plastic chairs.
And all of a sudden now yourguest is trying to think like,
Am I gonna collapse this?
Or can I even get my back end intoit, you know, and I don't want anyone
(25:44):
to know that that's where I'm at.
Stephanie (25:47):
Yeah.
Cat H (25:47):
It's that microaggression and reminder that you don't fit in.
You don't belong.
You are a failure.
I used to think that.
my brain had to be the first thingthat got better and then I could lose
the weight and I think some of that istrue, but I don't know how you do that.
If you can't maybe lose some weight1st to feel like you finally kind of.
(26:13):
Have some freedom, and then yourbrain can start to come on, at
least in my experience, the weightfirst had to kind of come off.
and then I was able to kindof feel the freedom and,
understand myself a little bit.
Stephanie (26:32):
Have you been kinder to yourself?
Have you been able to, change thenarrative in your mind and your brain?
Cat H (26:42):
I'm very open about this, so I don't mind sharing how I've lost weight.
I have tried all kinds ofdiets and different kinds of
healthy eating and lifestyles.
and they may have workedfor a very short time.
But nothing has been able toget me a good amount of weight.
Nothing over a span of like a year.
It might be like maybe 3 or 4months where I was on something.
(27:04):
but I did start to take, becauseI was having issues within like my
blood sugar and higher blood pressure.
So I did start on the injections.
And so that has been how I'vebeen able to lose weight.
don't get me wrong, Istill have to do the work.
But that has been enoughto change my brain.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Mm.
Cat H (27:27):
and, I don't have the food noise anymore and I didn't realize that
was a thing until I didn't have it.
Mm-hmm . And so now like if I'm at work, Ican, if they have like a plate of cookies
out that doesn't talk to me In fact, Imay go a whole day and not even have one.
Or maybe have one or half aone and then that, that's fine.
(27:50):
You can stop.
I don't have a cookie.
And I don't think about it.
and it's just not nagging me all the time.
So that has been the trick for me.
has been the food noise.
I didn't realize when peoplesaid, like, well, just have one.
I thought, what are they on?
And I want that, like,whatever, whatever they're on.
(28:12):
Yeah, you know, but I didn'trealize that was normal.
I didn't realize that there wassomething not quite right with me.
And so when that stopped.
Then I was able to make better choices.
Stephanie (28:29):
So we talked a little bit about this food noise and I love Jamie
Kern Lima and she and Oprah did thespecial, which I unfortunately didn't
have the opportunity to see, but shetalks about it a little bit in her book
and you said that you felt so much like.
Like validation when you, you did getto see that, that special and you're,
(28:51):
I mean, I think what you said isthat, you know, that I'm, I'm normal.
Like, this is like so many, somany people have the same quote
unquote issue or the same food noiseor the same, you know, struggle.
Cat H (29:06):
Yeah.
I watched it.
I sobbed.
I didn't even cry.
It was like the ugly cry.
You know, I just sobbed through it.
I had to watch it a couple of timesso I could actually catch everything.
I did sob through the whole thingbecause I thought, Oh my gosh, someone
has put into words what I felt.
And I didn't know otherpeople felt that way.
(29:27):
and that just, that was an amazingmoment for me of realizing that.
There is hope, one.
And, and two, like, I'm not, I mean,I'm not, it's not that I'm not normal.
I am normal, but I'm abnormal.
(29:49):
I'm abnormally normal.
and that was a really,that was a pivotal moment.
I think for myself just to understanda little bit more about me and
that, that I wasn't a failure.
Yeah.
It wasn't that I was lazy.
Stephanie (30:07):
No, absolutely not.
you know, those people who love you.
They see you.
They don't see a number on a scale.
They don't see the size of your clothing.
They don't see, a physical creature.
they see you.
And I think that so many people, needto start by loving yourself enough
(30:30):
to say, I want to be free or lovingyourself enough to say, I'm going to
change the energetic cellular, beingof who I am, because I am not bad.
I am not a demon.
I'm not a degenerate,like, you know, I mean.
It's so self, self.
(30:52):
I mean, I'm the, I am thequeen of self deprecation.
I mean, I use it as a, you know, evenwith my patients, like, you know, I know
they, they see my size, you know, I'mnot like 110 pound, like weightlifting
chiropractor, like, I mean, and weprobably all of us who are overweight
have that always in the back of our mind.
(31:13):
But, you know, if I could share.
I want, you to feel like you'reworthy, no matter what that scale
says, no matter what it did say, youhave contributed to society in such
beautiful ways and raising this beautifulfamily and done all these things.
it breaks my heart to think aboutall of those limitations, I can't
(31:36):
do this because of this and whatwould happen because of this.
Cat H (31:39):
Yeah, I mean.
I still have that bad view ofmyself when I look in a mirror.
you know, body dysmorphia.
I don't know if I'll ever be.
I don't know how that changes.
I probably need to go to therapy at somepoint in my life, but like, I don't know
(32:00):
how that's going to change, you know, youasked about, like, has all of that kind
of change that self talk and it hasn't,just recently I went on a scale and I
was like, oh, my gosh, I'm up 4 pounds.
and I just, I just went into thistailspin of like, you know, see, you
(32:21):
can't do this and, and, you know,look at, look at your double chin.
See, your double chin is back andI just felt icky all day and then I
had to really kind of stop and go catfour pounds like tomorrow morning.
I may wake up and it's gone andit was like the next morning.
(32:42):
I got on the scale.
It was gone.
I was right back down.
so, yeah, I don't I struggle with that.
I struggle with, like, lookingin the mirror and not seeing.
I know that, like, what otherpeople see is not what I've seen
Stephanie (33:01):
even after 110 pounds
Cat H (33:03):
I see a difference.
I do see a difference, but not.
There was a friend lately who askedif I wanted to, if they had some pants
that, that they don't fit in anymorebecause they've lost a bunch of weight.
So they said, you know, would you like.
Would you like these pants?
I hope that's not offensive.
And they said, no, no, it's not offensive.
(33:24):
and so, they were like, great, great.
I'll give them to you.
One of the jeans is a size14 and the other size 12s.
I just kind of choked on my own spit.
And I was like, you know, I thinkmy size is probably divisible by
12, you know, and I joked about it.
I can't even imagine being a 12.
(33:45):
I don't think I've ever been a 12.
I literally feel in my life that I wentfrom, like, A 3T like a toddler to a
22, I just feel like there was thismoment in my life that I went from a
toddler from, Oshkosh to the plus on thesection at fashion blog many years ago.
Stephanie (34:08):
But this goes to show that your body dysmorphia is so strong because
this other woman looked at you and said.
Cat's probably a size 12 or a size 14.
So, yeah, just
Cat H (34:21):
that disconnect.
And I don't, I mean, mysize is nowhere near 12.
Now it's now, is it out ofthe realm of possibility?
I don't know about 12, but a 14, no,like I'm not that far away, but like,
I can't even wrap my head around them.
(34:41):
I've never been able to goto a regular store and buy.
A shirt or a pair of jeans, pack, evensocks, like, like, just like cute socks.
Like, when you get overweight, youdon't you can't fit into those.
So, like, yeah, I just can't even imagine.
(35:02):
I mean, now I'm starting now.
I'm able to do some of that.
and so now I'll probably haveanother issue on my hands while I'm
behind me buying off type of crap.
my husband is like, what the heck,but, um, thrifting is the answer.
Yeah.
You can't do that when you're bigger.
Stephanie (35:19):
Some stores have some plus size thrifting stuff, but yeah.
Do you have a number or a size or agoal or are you just on this journey
and you're seeing where it takes you?
Cat H (35:31):
I've had some smaller goals.
Mm-hmm and I've accomplished two of them.
And I'm not far from the next one.
and the next goal, that's like thenext one that's in within my reach.
I always thought, man, if I could justget to that, like, then that'd be great.
(35:51):
but I never felt likethat was a possibility.
so, that is a possibility for me.
the next thing in my journey now isI really need to start exercising and
working out because like, if you don't,I don't want to just be hanging skin.
I'm older to those.
So I don't know, like, how'smy skin going to snap back and.
(36:13):
so I need to start doing that.
I'm much more active now, butI need to be even more active.
So like, that's now in my mind.
Like, that's my next goal is I wantto start becoming more physically
active and lifting weights and buildingmuscle now that I've lost been able
to burn a lot of fat and then I'llbe able to probably accomplish that.
(36:34):
That next goal after that.
I don't have anythingin my mind after that.
I'm sure I know what the governmenttells me should be my goal.
I don't think that I'll probablyever be in that way again.
My frame is not like that.
No, but I just want tobe able to feel good.
(36:59):
I just want to be able to buyclothes at a normal store.
I'm not asking for a lot.
But, I, I just want to feel like I fit in.
I don't want to stick out.
And if I do stick out, I want it tobe, I want to stick out for good.
(37:20):
For something good.
I, I want to do theater.
I haven't wanted to do theater becauseI didn't want people looking at me.
And I was afraid of what kindof costume they would put me in.
so I want to do those types of things.
I want to be happy.
I am happy now.
I'm much happier, but I want tobe even happier than I am now.
Stephanie (37:42):
Well, Kat, I truly believe that no matter what our age, we can
fulfill any dream that we've had.
And that's my wish for you.
That is my wish for you that you can.
Stop all the negative self talkand just love yourself so much.
Like other people love you andallow the world to see you.
(38:05):
Like, I can't wait for youto be up on that stage.
Thank you so much for being so vulnerableand giving us this time and this
sort of look into your experiences.
I really know that it's going to toucha lot of lives because there's so
many people with the same struggle.
So thanks Kat.
(38:25):
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (38:30):
Thank you so much for listening.
If you've enjoyed this podcast,would you please rate it,
review it, like or subscribe?
You can find me on socialmedia at WatchYourWellness.
com, Dr. Stephanie Wattier onInstagram, or Watch Your Wellness
Chiropractic and Massage on Facebook.
(38:51):
And I'm so curious where yournext conversation will take you.
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