January 2, 2025 • 57 mins
Trigger Warning: This episode contains deeply personal and sensitive content that may be triggering for some listeners. It discusses experiences of trauma, including kidnapping, physical assault, and emotional abuse. The conversation covers themes of fear, survival, and recovery, as well as challenges with mental health such as complex PTSD, night terrors, and the impact of narcissistic relationships. Listener discretion is advised.
Allison is an ethereal light that remains bright in devastating circumstances. She’s faced cruelty, but in true Allison fashion has turned that into fierce empathy that overrides destruction and instead turns it into compassion. Compassion for her community, for other survivors, the lost souls of the world, and perhaps most importantly for herself.
She has used the experiences, good and bad, as an opportunity to connect. Through her art and through her words that drip with serenity, she leads with authenticity and vulnerability that allows others to feel safe enough to do the same. A recent trauma in her life had a strong possibility of breaking her beyond repair, but it’s something beautiful to see the way she has chosen to respond.
She is driven to heal out loud, as she believes that although hurt people hurt people, healing people heal people. She is overwhelmed by the grace she’s received in being spared and the support she’s received from her community.
That which could have killed her has instead given her a new appreciation for the human experience. She uses her art to speak, an outlet that has carried her and resonates as powerfully as her cadence.
To know her is to know unspeakable resilience paired with unconditional love. She is an advocate for survivors and speaks from her experience and deep understanding of mental health and trauma, she has a keen knowledge and big heart when it comes to speaking on complex PTSD, narcissistic abuse & Domestic Violence survivors, addiction, self harm, religious trauma, and queer adversity. She aims to spread awareness and empower others with similar stories, as well as prevent future victims.
Her vision & her whimsical approach to life is contagious, her insight is invaluable, and her warmth is inviting.
Allison is Created Worthy.
The Episode Rundown:
✨ Growing up in New York
✨ Suffering from Religious Trauma
✨ Discovering Photography
✨ Relationship with a Narcissist
✨ Feeling Unworthy and Unlovable
✨ Walking Through a Decade of Healing
✨ Learning How to Safely Exit an Abusive Relationship
✨ The Importance of Coping
✨ Creative Processing Through Drawing
+ SO MUCH MORE!
ALLISON’S CREATIVE PROCESSING METHOD: Drawing characters
Creative Processing Defined: Activating your creative mind to process a certain intention.
CONNECT WITH ALLISON SMITH:
TIKTOK, INSTAGRAM, AND YOUTUBE - @shakinblues
ART ACCOUNTS - @groovyforest
CALLING ALL FEMALE BUSINESS LEADERS:
HEART SOUL STRENGTH IS HERE!
Are you a woman in business who finds it difficult at times to balance your work, family, and faith? Do you feel disconnected from your purpose because of the constant distractions and demand to perform in your everyday life?
Are you ready to rise into leadership with all your heart, soul, and strength?
Join the community.
WEBSITE: https://heartsoulstrength.org/ ← FREE LEADERS GUIDE AVAILABLE!
RISE LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE: https://heartsoulstrength.org/event
INSTAGRAM - https://www.instagram.com/heart.soul.strength.ministry/
EMAIL - team@heartsoulstrength.org
CONNECT WITH DANIELLE:
Danielle’s Personal Instagram: @danielledamrell
Created Worthy Instagram: @CreatedWorthyPodcast
Created Worthy Facebook Page: www.fac
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Wee oo, wee oo, wee oo.
Trigger warning.
At Created Worthy.
We honor and protect the storiesthat are both shared and heard here.
This episode contains discussions ofsensitive and potentially triggering
topics, including domestic violence,religious abuse, physical violence, Sexual
assault, eating disorders, and kidnapping.
(00:22):
We understand that these topics maybe difficult for some listeners.
So we encourage you to carefor your heart and your mind as
you engage with this episode.
If at any point you need to pause,step away, return at another time, or
just skip this episode, we understand.
Please feel free to do so.
Our goal is always to create a safe andrespectful space for stories to be shared
(00:45):
with dignity and heard with compassion.
Thank you so much forjoining us on this journey.
Hey friend, I'm Danielle Damrell,and I am so grateful that you're
listening to the created worthy podcast.
This show is all about honoring the lifestories of women from different ages,
(01:05):
beliefs, backgrounds, and experiences.
Everyone's got a story.
And instead of getting stuck in the trapof unworthiness, this is a safe place
for stories to be shared on this show.
We chat about the transformativepower of creative processing too,
and how we can utilize our God givencreativity with intention to heal,
(01:27):
grow, find joy, create simplicityin the midst of our chaotic lives.
So pull up a seat at our tablebecause we are all created worthy.
(02:15):
\So I think this is where I left off.
I wrangle him into bed.
I don't even ask any questionsabout the makeup, by the way, cause
I know that would provoke him.
So I was just like, okay, this is normal.
And Just put him to sleep like a littlebaby and he rolls over and he goes My
(02:38):
parents are gonna be here in the morningand I didn't believe him I was just like
this is part of the psychosis and thenI wake up in the morning He's a little
more coherent, but not really And hegoes they're gonna be here at 12 and I
text them and they're like, yeah We'regonna be taking him for a month, which
is insane You they, something, I, like Isaid, whatever he said to them that made
(03:04):
them come was terrible enough that theywere gonna take him for a whole month.
And they, and I, oh my gosh, theenergy in me, I was like the energy
bunny hacking his stuff, and I waslike, it's okay, you take your time.
You could stay withthem more than a month.
They were taking himto Chicago or Illinois.
(03:25):
And I was like, this is the craziestthing that this is happening right now.
Cause I would have had how difficultit would have been if he had been
there vacating the apartment.
Just everything about it, every, allof the layers of like attachment,
(03:46):
I would be afraid for my life.
So for one month, they take him away.
By the way they left us,or they left me in squalor.
He was a garbage hoarder too, and hewas and I couldn't keep up with it.
We'd have 15 bags of garbage.
So I was humiliated when, that wassomething that like my dad saw a couple
of times, and he was like, That's bad,Allison, but no one knew the extent.
(04:11):
He had jars of cat food underthe bed, and just, he would just
throw garbage on the ground.
So it was disgusting.
It smelled like cat pee it was awful.
And they looked at me, andthey were like, We're so sorry.
It's only gonna be a month.
They were like, Telling me like as ifI was like your son just said something
(04:34):
about killing me involved and you'retelling me that I had just been walked
through his diagnosis, and I'm thinking,I need to keep his family safe,
because I'm realizing what I'm with.
And I don't remember if it wasbefore or after they took him,
but it was around that time,because I stayed with him a month.
(04:58):
After the strangling and my mom, Iremember when I was at her house,
sorry, jumping back a little bit.
I had the, hand marks aroundmy neck, trigger warning, and
she, I let her take a picture.
Which she said, that's when I sawthat you were ready to get out of
(05:18):
this and slowly, it just, it was aslow process, even just getting to
the point where, and then it even,that was the beginning of everything.
And so once my therapist walkedme through his diagnosis, so it
must've been right before he left.
I, once I knew that he never loved me, wasincapable of loving me and that he enjoyed
(05:43):
my pain, that he fed off of it, that hewas unfit to ever make the commitment
of marriage to a person mentally unfit,that his parents were just as abusive
to him and just as much a threat to mylife, all of these things being told that,
really the main thing being, he neverloved you, that was like, it set me free.
(06:08):
And everything made sense.
It was like, that was the biggesttool in getting me out of it, was
realizing, and once that veil was lifted,
and I've experienced that a fewtimes with the narcissist, and
(06:29):
consequential situations that Igot in thereafter with narcissists.
I've been with a couple which iscommon if you've been through it once,
especially to the extent of that duration.
And every time it took a shorter amountof time for that veil to be lifted.
And I just, that feeling, luckilyfor me, and this is not the case
(06:55):
for a lot of people and I, So I'mlucky that this is the case for me,
but I had not one romantic feeling.
I didn't miss him.
I didn't, I, I started despising him.
And then slowly today Ican say, I just don't care.
(07:17):
I don't care about him.
I'm living with the trauma thatcreated and it's still there.
There's things ingrained in methat I, to this day, I have to
work on and I'll probably have towork on for, for most of my life.
And, but he's no longera part of that equation.
And so once I got that diagnosis,I remember sitting in the
parking lot and calling himand being like, Dad, I'm ready.
(07:40):
And he said, thank God, thank God.
We're crying on the phone together.
I said I'm going to do it, dad.
I'm not backing it down.
Don't let me get me out of this.
And so he prayed over me that Iwould be able to get out because
now we're in go mode planning.
He, my ex had found mymoney that I was saving.
So he was getting clues and.
(08:04):
I was getting stronger, so he tried toback me into a corner and do it again.
And before he could grabme, he didn't expect this.
I go, you're going to fucking back up.
And I like, I said, you're nevergoing to aggressively overpower me.
(08:27):
You're never going topush me into a corner.
So that's never happening again.
Or I'm out that fucking door.
I said it just like that.
I said, I will be gone in asecond if you do that ever again.
And that is still thefear of the Lord in him.
He ended up calling me, my mom, and waslike, I'm sorry, I want to kill myself.
(08:48):
And That was the first timetoo, that I called the bluff.
My mom's that's emotional manipulation.
Tell him you call the cops if you,or you can call the ambulance.
So I did.
I said, okay, you clearly need help.
Then I'll call, I need to call.
He didn't like that becausehe didn't plan on doing that.
It was just a power tactic.
And so slowly I'm realizing these things.
(09:11):
And then finally they take him away andI'm given this gift of a whole month.
To, without him knowing, make sure thateverything within this divorce is fixed.
That I vacate the apartment.
I get everything out of there.
Anything that he could use against me.
(09:32):
All of it.
I just have that amount of controland then to make the right steps.
He is harassing me.
Sending me the worst messagesyou could possibly imagine.
I'm screenshotting everything.
And.
My therapist walked me through it, andI think this is important for people
to know if you're with a narcissistand an important part of trying to
(09:53):
leave, if they're hoovering or they'reharassing you, you send a text, in
writing, do it, not over the phone,in, send a text first, and say, I'm
asking for a blackout in communication.
I don't want to hear from you again.
Maybe we can talk, but rightnow I'm asking for a blackout
(10:14):
and you need to honor that.
They're not going to honor it.
So then you have proof thatthey didn't honor it there.
Then what my therapist had me do wassend him a notarized letter asking
for a blackout in communicationso that he had to sign for it
when it arrived at his place.
So he didn't like that.
(10:35):
He didn't honor that.
That really pissed him off.
And so then we have the proof that weneed To get the order of protection and
not just for me, my, my whole family.
And so I go in and I just tell them,I owed up when I went through and
they said, you're good, you don'teven need to explain it anymore.
(10:56):
They gave me the highestlevel of protection.
And then another twoyears later, even though.
I had, he had made fakeaccounts and stuff.
They gave me anotherbecause of the potential.
They didn't, they knew itwas that much of a threat.
And so then, the court order ofprotection, you can also pay a little
extra to have the cops deliver it.
We did that.
(11:18):
And so then the divorcepapers and in that time.
Had just made sure everything wentsmoothly and that I had to change
where I lived, obviously a safe house.
Nobody could know my address.
I was like with a woman thatwas involved in like domestic
violence situations sweet lady.
(11:38):
And then.
Change my car.
They wanted me to quit my job andchange my, or take down my social media.
I, those were two things thatmade me feel like myself.
So I went through and I scrubbed itand my job, I told them the situation.
And so they had an underground garagethat they had me go into that no one
(12:00):
had access to, and I would be escortedto my car every night and I'd have
to check for tags on the car, airtags or whatever, or I don't think
they had those at the time, trackers.
I had to change my make an aliasof what I went by for a while.
So my, everything about my life changed.
And that was hard because it waslike a different kind of fear.
(12:26):
And I was still so young.
I was 23.
And so from there, I've spent, adecade, really trying to think maybe
less than a decade because 2017 iswhen I got diagnosed, but since then,
Being given that information abouthis diagnosis and then continuing on
(12:49):
to really understand the tactics ofa narcissist and how to safely exit.
And then learning aboutmy state of complex PTSD.
And I'm sure you and I couldtalk for hours about that.
It's a huge thing, that when you'vegone through that significant amount
of this duration of trauma and, evensince childhood, it's very, that's
(13:14):
what, and the process of unlearning it,like we said, I don't probably be my a
lifetime journey, but it's so worth it.
And, in the beginning, in order tosurvive my marriage and my day to
day life, because my reality wasso twisted and insane, no human
(13:35):
being can mentally withstand that.
So I drank and I smoked tons of weed.
And it was my coping and I felt soguilty for it, but even just a little,
like I, I needed something and Ididn't have access to anything else.
And so I developed a problem with that.
(13:57):
Not during my marriage, butit got progressively worse.
It was mostly after, but.
My therapist walked me through it and waslike, you need to, You can thank alcohol.
That's okay.
Thank it, because it's coping, andthat's something I wanted to talk
about, too, is There's healing.
(14:18):
And I think that, that's a lovelything to talk about, but I also like
to talk about coping because that's,like I said, that's the hanging onto
the wreckage to get to shore where it'sjust, how do you cope with your reality?
Cause that's another, it's amechanism of survival and it's messy.
(14:39):
And sometimes it's.
Not the healthiest of choices, but itis saying it is you saying I want diff.
I want my life I want to live and Soeven if it's on the most small basic
level Having that fight in you enough.
(15:00):
I think there's Something so victoriousabout that's something I love.
There's this band calledManchester Orchestra.
I don't know if you've heard of them.
The cope and the hope album.
So they've got the, it'sthis all the same songs.
One is cope and one is hope.
And I just thought that was beautiful,but each one, the songs are, interpreted
(15:22):
so differently, like different sounds.
And just love that messystruggle just as much.
As I like healing because I thinksometimes we're not proud of that, but
it was a huge deal for me to also beproud of what I did to survive, and it
(15:43):
doesn't always look like, I'm not a hero.
I'm not, I have had very messy.
coping mechanisms and then I wouldgrow out of them, but still be
stuck with them, or the situationwould get better, but I was still
stuck with these coping mechanisms.
And so that's a struggle.
(16:04):
And I did, I went on to struggle.
addiction and it felt like I had all ofthis baggage and I would say it's been in
recent years where it's so much lighter.
I don't feel like it was, I thoughtafter that, I'm like, I'm probably
going to think about this everyday for the rest of my life.
(16:25):
And I did for years, it wouldpop into my head every day.
And then it didn't.
And I don't know exactly when thathappened, but it does get better.
You're not just I think the bodyknows how to heal itself and your
mind knows how to protect itself.
And sometimes it, it overridesand prioritizes other things.
(16:50):
Like when you're so used to beingin constant survival, surveillance
of your surroundings, alwaystrying to interpret cues and.
All of that, it's hard for you.
I remember my little hostess shop,I struggled to remember anything.
And then that brought me back tomy school days when I couldn't,
(17:13):
and it's my brain was saying,we're not doing these menial tasks.
My brain was tellingme we're overqualified.
We've been working onmore important stuff.
And it's the crazy thing is I thinksome people feel like Like slower in
the head or like it's you know, andit does rewire you it is brain damage
(17:37):
technically, but it's also a beautifulthing that your brain is advocating for
you to get neuroplasticity is such a gift.
It's like the innate ability forour brains to heal themselves when
we go through specific types oftherapy or even do things, just
(18:00):
learn to do things differently.
I know that's been a huge thing for me.
I had a lot of things inchildhood that I never learned.
I just.
Those neuropathways were never developed,and so in my adulthood, after having my
daughter, it was a really big focus ofmy early 20s to rewire my brain so that
(18:20):
I could raise her differently becauseI just didn't have any of these normal
Instincts and the instincts that I didhave were based out of trauma and fear
and trying to just make sure that I wasdoing the thing I could do to survive
and cope in all of the unhealthy ways.
(18:42):
But I actually really love yourperspective on, honoring where
you're at with the coping, evenif it's not something that's like
traditionally seen as healthy.
I think Sometimes we go through seasonsin our lives where our coping mechanisms
are simply tactics to survive, and wecan honor the fact that we survived.
(19:03):
And although maybe in reflection,in hindsight, we wouldn't.
Be like, yeah, go smoke a ton ofweed, drink a bunch of alcohol.
That's a great way to get through it.
Like we're not going to necessarilyadvocate for that coping mechanism.
We can advocate for the fact that wedid it, that you got through that, that
(19:25):
you did make the decision to leave.
And then you have to learn how tocarry that pain and grieve that
relationship and grieve what Thatwhole season of your life, that whole
really first 23 years of your lifewhere you were shaped into a person
(19:46):
that you didn't even really know andnow you have to figure out who you are.
And so in that processyou use these substances.
I did too.
And there actually was some reallygood things that, that came from
specifically with marijuana.
There were times that I was actually,my brain was actually able to slow
(20:09):
down enough to be like, oh, wait.
I'm not just constantly in a rushlike I can for me and I'm gonna
pivot here to creativity for me.
I believe that the Lord actually usedmarijuana in my life to slow my brain down
enough and inspire me to create tangibly.
(20:31):
So one thing that I went through.
I went through a really trying timein 2019 and I share about it on the
very first episode of my podcast,but there was just a, or actually
at the end of 2020 I just was goingthrough intensive trauma therapy.
They found this mass on the top vertebraeof my spine, but they originally
(20:52):
had told me it was on my brain.
We had gone through a lot of death.
It was 2020.
Everyone was in state of disrepair.
And then we were on the Dr.
Phil show and I was confrontingmy childhood trauma at the time.
It was like near at the end.
And I was confronting my trauma with mymom and my siblings on live television.
(21:14):
And for me, it was, or not livetelevision, but on national television.
And for me, I, it wasn't a show.
It was, that was just a weird opportunitythat came up for an intentional
conversation that wasn't able to be had.
Prior to that.
And so it was a really hard, crazy time,but in that season is where this term
(21:35):
creative processing was revealed to me.
And what I realized was that.
Creativity innately is a healingmodality in and of itself.
And so on this show, I love tohighlight the concept of creative
processing as we talk through ourstories because I believe that our life
stories are the most powerful tool ofconnection that we have and creative
(21:57):
processing is the most powerful tool.
Is a powerful tool ofhealing that we have.
And just the term I'm going to go onmy little soapbox here for a second,
but the tour, the term creativeprocessing is a lot different.
It's actually the opposite of thecommonly known term, the creative
process, because the creativeprocess leads to an external result.
(22:21):
Whereas creative processingleads to an internal result.
And so it's how it's not abouthow the actual thing that
you've created turns out.
It's that's not nearly as importantas the transformation that can occur
from the process of creating it.
So how do we actually do that?
For me, it was revealed throughthis prompt the purpose of enter
(22:45):
whatever your creative outlet is.
So drawing, painting, it caneven be cleaning your room.
It could be making a spreadsheet.
I believe every single person is creative.
So how we activate our creative mind isgoing to look differently from person
to person, but, and it can change too.
But the purpose of enter yourcreative outlet is to process,
enter your certain intention.
(23:06):
So during this time where I wasgoing through a lot of deep.
Healing for childhood things, it wouldsometimes look like at the purpose of
watercolor is to process Mother's Day.
And how painful Mother's Day was for me.
And it was very, it was that processof pairing creativity with intention.
(23:29):
So that I could experience those positiveemotions that I was inevitably seeking.
But I had to go through the grief.
I had to go through the pain.
I had to feel through it.
I'm a feeler.
And I'm also a healer.
And so creativity is a healing,is like my healing superpower.
So anyway, all of that to say,when you set an intention for your
(23:51):
creative abilities, you're usingcreative processing to gain clarity,
to find hope, to reignite excitement.
Even on those tough days, it's a way toharness the creativity you already have
to make progress, no matter how small.
Simply showing up for yourself in thisway is evidence of growth and resilience
(24:12):
and a reminder that you're movingforward, even in challenging times.
So Allison, you shared with me thatyour primary creative processing
method is drawing characters, whichis a beautiful way to connect with
yourself and process emotions.
But can you share with ushow drawing has helped you to
navigate and process through a.
(24:33):
Through some of these morechallenging moments in your life.
And if you've noticed any shifts inyour emotions or perspective when you
approach it with a clear intention.
Well, a few things to say about that
with certain things and everybody has it.
(24:54):
Like you said, you arriveat this, this flow state.
And I think everybody, like wehave access to that flow state,
but we cut ourselves off from it.
And I think we do that because of fear.
Yes.
Fear of rejection, fear of not doing well.
(25:17):
And I think getting into that natural flowstate, you don't even know where you are.
Like you are just in it.
You're so immersed in it, and it justcomes out of you, and it's your best.
It's truly your best when you are ableto access that place in your mind.
I believe that's divine inspiration.
(25:38):
You're not thinkingabout what you're doing.
You're doing it and it comes fromYour spirit, deep in your soul.
And so I think for me that wasmy way of having my own world.
And I would just have thesedreams of these characters.
And I think it was, it was thedrawing and then also the poetry.
(25:59):
I have a lot of like, where I, mygoal is to publish a book of both.
Both did different things for me.
And I think With the poetry,it was my, it was like my code.
It was how I could talk about whatwas happening without fear of, someone
finding it and me being in trouble.
It was.
(26:20):
It was my own language, really.
And I think when I look back,it was me talking to myself.
It's about things that I didn't evenknow I knew because like I said, I was
in a different, I was in that flow state.
So it was coming out of me and there'sa part of me, the observer, not the
(26:43):
one chattering, but the observer of it,all of my experience of my lifetime.
Knows it.
Knows what's going on.
And, again, realizing I have access tothat all the time, that's a crazy thought.
And I still can't wrap mymind fully around that.
But, so that was the poetry, and then withmy doodles, I would often, my best work
(27:08):
would be on a napkin or a scrap of paper.
I actually got a tattoo of oneof my Oh, I want to see it.
I just got it.
So it's fresh.
Wow.
Oh my, I don't know if you can see it.
It's amazing.
But this was one I made in 2015
(27:29):
and it represents traumaa lot to me and PTSD.
You remember I said, my, my head fellmiles above me and, but still this like
This empathy, like this, just gentle atheart creature at the bottom of it all.
(27:54):
And so I would just find myself makingthese characters and it's a lot like
I also was so unable to connect withthe world around me because like I
said I didn't have a lot of socialinteraction and it was just really
hard for me to connect at that point.
And I'm someone that really,I mean we all need connection.
(28:16):
I crave it.
And it was like my way of having friends.
That sounds basically like imaginaryfriend but it was like I could feel
these characters, like they were, theybecome such a deep part of me that I
know them all and they live in my head.
And so it was just me taking myexperience and putting it somewhere
(28:40):
and it would just come out of me.
If I try to think too hard or,it, it doesn't work for me.
It's a very precious state to access.
And another thing I want to sayfor a long time, I believed.
And I think we do this asa, there's an awesome quote.
I'll send you later, but it's taught.
(29:02):
It speaks about Van Gogh and how heused to eat yellow paint and people
say that he did that to be happy.
And they romanticize his depression.
And often we think that our best workcomes out of depression, addiction
(29:23):
the things that plague us, thatour best work is because of that.
And I don't believe that.
And I and that's what the quotegoes on to say is we make our
best work when we're healing.
And I, and that rings true tome because I do, and yes I still
(29:43):
had access to that place within.
These dark times, but the best thingsthat have come out of me were out of
that spirit of it's a very vulnerable,but it's I'm letting myself heal
from this and I'm using this to heal.
I'm not, I'm not like staying inmy, just simmering with my hurt.
(30:07):
You're letting it move through you.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
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and fellowship with women who sharethe same anointing on their lives.
(31:15):
But maybe at different levels, it'sdesigned to recharge your heart, soul,
and strength, and to empower you tolead with clarity and confidence.
So whether you're able to join us inperson or simply just want to support
the mission of HeartSoulStrength,where we are called to equip leaders,
your Donation makes a difference.
(31:38):
Visit heart soul strength.
org to learn more, to donate,or to grab your ticket to rise.
Let's rise into leadership theway that God intended together.
You are created worthy and through him,you have the heart, soul, and strength.
to make a kingdom impact inwhatever role you're serving in.
(32:02):
God's got you and you got this.
and not to say that those thingsdon't influence your art like they do.
(32:22):
I think your whole experience does.
But that's the beauty too of the humanexperience is if I was talking to God
or universe or whomever, and they toldme, you know, you, you've got to live a
human life, but if you're in it, if youwant to do it, you're going to have to
(32:43):
suffer too, but you're also going to have.
You're going to have the full spectrumand you can't have one without the other.
Yeah.
And you're also going to have thehighest highs and the best joy and
love and all of this, you're goingto have access to all of that.
And, I think that I would choose that.
And I think maybe I like tothink that my soul did and.
(33:06):
It shows this life and then Igo back to that statement I made
at the beginning like things arehappening for me and not to me.
And when I, there's, I repeat thismantra a lot and it is what the
universe has for me will find meand it cannot be taken away from me.
(33:28):
And I think that When I'm in that mindset,then everything that comes along, I
welcome it because I know that it's a partthat I'm going to get where I need to be.
And I have seen through this recenttragedy when I was carjacked,
kidnapped, and almost toast.
Yes.
The violence of that was, hopefullythe worst kind of violence I'll
(33:51):
ever experience in my life.
It, and violence, I think issuch a perversion of humanity
because it's like cancer.
It's cell against cell.
It's human against human.
And I don't think we're meant for that.
And so it feels like if you want to talkin terms of religion, like the deepest,
(34:14):
violating one's temple, body, whatever.
And so it, it hurt like a different way.
Like I, I just told you about alot of trauma, a little trauma
though, but it hurt different.
And it's hard to explain, but it wasthat invasion and that lack of humanity
(34:37):
that I saw and honestly the feeling of,
I, this time around I didn't accept.
I said, no, I'm going to fight this time.
And that's crazy because I was soconditioned to just let the, and there
were moments where I did, I was, thatwas my main defense mechanism was to
(35:03):
submit and cooperate because that'swhat I've learned works, smooth it over.
But towards the end, I had thatmoment where it's I can let
this happen or I can fight.
Yeah.
And doesn't matter whatthe odds for the odds are.
I got I just made that decision.
I made it in a split second.
And I said, I'm not going down.
(35:25):
And I held on to that wheeland because I knew when they
got me out of the car, Yeah.
So before, before we get into the likeweeds of this last story, I do just want
to share for the people who haven't.
seen you on TikTok.
I actually saw a real on Instagram.
(35:46):
I actually saw a real on Instagram.
I think it was somebody hadreshared your story or something.
And she I'm gonna, I want to handover the mic again to you to just
give a very high level overview.
But I also want to just tell peoplefrom the forefront that she goes
(36:06):
into the details of the story.
She has a series on TikTok and I reallyhighly encourage you go and watch that
series because not only, she talks somuch about Many of the different things
we talked about here, but she sharedan entirely different story on there.
As far as another narcissisticrelationship that she was in.
(36:29):
And I don't believe you sharedthis one specifically on there.
Did you?
The, my marriage, what I've discussedin this, I briefly, I started a new
series called a series of unfortunateevents and I want it to be like a
trauma dump, but like lighthearted atthe same time, because you gotta laugh.
(36:51):
Like you have to remain light andyou have to, now when I recap it,
it's not from this place of that deepsorrow, or even touching that subject,
just You know, and I've made thatdecision even with this recent trauma.
And yeah, I want people to knowit's not all doom and gloom.
(37:13):
No, I actually learned a lot becauseyou share so many of the, and you
did it on this podcast as well,where you shared the learnings of.
That you've learned through your healingprocess, the things specifically that
your therapist was teaching you or theways that your dad and your mom supported
you or the things that your brother said,there's so many different details in
(37:36):
the threads of your story that are alsovery inspiring, which is why I love.
Created worthy is because wejust are able to say I don't know
exactly what part of my story.
There's no way on a single podcastepisode that we can get into every
single portion, but whatever comes upto me, it's meant to be shared because
(37:56):
there's someone on the receiving endwho will be inspired or healed, or
they will be like, they will receive.
What is meant to be received for themjust through the sharing of the stories,
but that's what you do on your tick tock.
And in that first series kidnapped,beaten and almost toast, which again, I
told her at the beginning of this, butThat has that is like just such a catchy
(38:20):
way to sum up her story, but I'm tellingyou, friends yes, we need some t shirts.
Let me know if you needsome help making swag.
I got you.
Toast.
Yes.
But seriously what she wentthrough was absolutely insane and
it was It was a one time event.
It happened in her town where she lives.
(38:40):
And again, I'm going to let herrecap that, but I also just want
to say go get the full versionof the story on her TikTok.
So anyway, all of that tosay, can you sum up for us?
Yeah.
And I love that you appreciate that Ispoke about the relationship I was in
at the time too, getting out of thatbecause that was important to me and I
(39:03):
had a lot of people that were confusedby they're like what's the relevant
get to the story get to the real youknow they want but that was part of the
sensationalized version but the peoplelike you said if you trust if you're
speaking from that flow space of, andthis trust that your words will find
(39:26):
the right person, that there is a reasonthat, I don't think about my TikToks.
I just get on there for better or worse.
And I just say what's on my heart.
I don't have a script, like I don't, Ididn't know anything that I was doing.
But I think those parts werejust as important to me.
And so I didn't stop sharing them evenwhen people are like, okay, let's get,
(39:51):
because there were people like you, therewas numerous, like uncountable the amount
of people that were like, thank you.
This is me.
This is exactly what I'm goingthrough people that paragraphs and
paragraphs of them getting vulnerable.
And that right there is the juice.
That is what.
(40:13):
Any impact that I have on this worldis to make those places where we
can get real, we can get raw, andwe can be vulnerable without fear.
Because fear of rejection, and fearof being unlovable, and fear of
real danger, whatever it is, thatkeeps us from all of the gifts.
(40:37):
And so I think a huge way thatwe break down those walls of
fear is through each other.
Because it's the two most comforting wordsin the world to hear when you hear me too,
because it's okay, we've, we connect thenThat's what being a human is about to me.
We share experiences,but back to the story.
(41:00):
And this will be super brief,but I was going about my day.
And I went to the corner storeacross the street, two strangers,
initially two strangers.
I asked them for a dime, like aactual dime, not literally 10 cents.
(41:21):
Yeah.
Literally 10 cents.
And at first they were no, and thisbig girl, I call her in my story, but
now she's named, just like hittinghim no, I'm like, oh, it's fine.
I'm just going to go to my car.
Don't sweat.
And they used that as, it was like, ding!
And they ended up creating a situationso that they could get to my car.
(41:47):
They get in and they tell me ifyou want to make it back alive,
then you're going to do what wesay and you're going to drive.
It was supposed to be right down the road.
It wasn't.
And it was a ride from hell and hopefullythat will make the other parts that I
was talking about, the context better,but basically I, they ended up picking
(42:11):
up another girl that I call wifey in theseries and having me dish to got lots
of running around and then It got to thelast stop and I had this sense, I felt
the energy shift and I just said, this isit because they're not going to drop me
off at my house after they kidnap me andthey're taking my car that doesn't happen.
(42:36):
So what are they going to do?
And.
It was just like, I, there's so many partsof the story, ups and downs and things
that I would have changed and things, butI think that's also, it's been encouraging
to hear from people like, girl, nobodyknows how they would react unless
(42:57):
they've been through something like that.
And it's true.
You just don't know.
I would have thought I'd handleit a million different ways.
And they spotted that Iwas, they could take me.
I don't have street smarts.
And.
Their greed, I think in the end, protectedme because the man that was involved
(43:18):
was going to sexually assault me andthey didn't want to share so they made
me drop him off and they didn't includeother people because they were greedy.
They wanted this car to themselves.
So I was afraid that other peopletoo were going to be, like a gang.
And because I was.
They had driven to, stopped at acouple of places with, their crew.
(43:43):
And so I was just waitingevery stop this is it.
And then at the last one,I was like, no, this is it.
And it was just a darkstreet, no one around.
It looks like the type ofplace you'd murder someone.
And that was their plan.
And they were texting and being sketchy.
And she pretended to go intothis last house and get drugs.
(44:04):
And then she came back and.
I just, I had that split set.
I did not have time.
I turned on the car.
She whacked me and told me to turn it off.
And I knew that was weird.
And so I knew I had, it's, it was, she wasgoing through her pockets, buying time,
(44:27):
when someone's like buying time, you cantell she's not looking for something.
She's just going like this.
And I say, do you needme to turn on the light?
I was just trying to stall andthen I go, okay, this is it.
I have nothing to lose.
So I go and I push the ignitionand I try to, I keep trying to
put it in drive and she's justsocking me like over and over again.
(44:53):
And I'm hanging onto consciousness,but I don't want them to get me
out of this car because that's,I know they're gonna kill me.
And I'm trying to hang on andI keep trying to start it, but
she's just punching me so hard.
The girl in the back's holding me down.
And then I get they end updragging me out and holding me.
(45:13):
And by this point, my face was just,you'll see the picture if you go on my
TikTok and couldn't see you very well.
And I just bit down on someone's armand as hard as I could, and I ran away.
And Didn't get help for the most part.
And then I did.
(45:34):
Yeah.
So that's that.
Yes.
Condensed.
A lot.
Yes.
That was a very condensed version.
At the same time, the followingweek I broke up with a narcissist.
It was a shorter relationship, butreally impacting and impactful.
And That was very relevant to me becausethis situation unlocked something in me.
(46:00):
And that's, going back to this ideathat it happened for me and not to me.
So because this happened, wheelsstarted turning, veils were lifted.
And I said, I don't have to take shit.
Take no shit, do no harm.
I said, I'm out of here.
(46:21):
Like she, she accused me.
She was, she made it quite easy.
She told me you're cheating on me.
Like all narcissists stuffbecause she's cheating on me.
So I'm cheating on her, right?
You're relapsing.
You're doing drugs.
Like just trying to make anything up.
Just terrible to me.
She took my face.
Terrible.
(46:41):
No human being A friend wouldn't do that.
My, like an enemy of me wouldn't do that.
Like it was so aggressive and terrible.
And just, I, and I was thinking like,I'm not going to go through a breakup
and this in the same day, like thatsucks, but I knew it was happening.
And I remember I had a littlefolder and at first I had BPD
(47:08):
because she told me she had BPD andI was like, I can deal with that.
Like A lot of people have VD and I thinkit's, I was trying to prepare for that.
Yeah.
Because I just found that out threemonths in and then I'm getting all this
narcissist stuff and that's sticking outand I have extensive knowledge of it,
(47:28):
but I'm like, Goddammit, I'm in it again!
I just start looking at thesethings and I'm like, Ugh,
this just resonates too hard.
And it's, and then I changed thefolder to, Am I being abused?
And the answer was yes.
And getting out of that was a bigpart of it for me for that reason.
I uncovered it.
(47:49):
So many things.
I also talk about my current girlfriend.
I would have never found her.
She was living I can't say this, butshe was living across the street from
me, you get that, but she was rightthere and I never would have, she never
would have reached out and said themost encouraging, empathetic, authentic
(48:11):
things that just stuck in my headbecause that would have never happened.
So many little details.
I could go on and on aboutso many little things.
That would not have happened, so ithappened for me and not to me, and if
I had to go back and I had the choiceof whether or not it happened, I
would 100 percent let it happen again.
(48:34):
I wouldn't be enthusiasticabout it, but I would.
As long as you knew theoutcome, which you do.
Yes.
I am just so proud of you for sharingyour story here and so honored that
you would just carve out the timeand space in your life to share some
(48:57):
of what you've been through withmy audience before we close out.
Can you just tell us a little bit aboutwhat's coming up next for you and your
life and how we can best support youand connect with you going forward?
So moving forward I've was on myway to becoming a working art,
(49:19):
a full time artist again, and Ihad pieces prepared for a show.
And so I, this obviously puta halt to a lot in my life.
And it makes it hard to go outsideand I'm right where this happened,
and so I'm having trouble connecting.
(49:40):
So connecting with me on TikTok, ifit's a word on there, it, wherever.
And, every message matters to me.
I try to respond to literallyeveryone, it bans me from making
comments because I, but it just.
It is sometimes it's one wordfrom somebody that's okay, it just
(50:03):
gets you through that next moment.
And so I'm so appreciative toeverybody that like supports and
resonates and tells their stories.
That's so meaningful to me.
And I'm trying to currently, I don't know.
It's a weird month to move,but I'm trying to break a lead.
(50:23):
I'm trying to get out of city becauseI don't think I can like properly
heal right now with how fresh thisis and it's just, it's constant
and I just need big time help.
And so I also want togo fund pensive therapy.
I do.
Yes.
Because I would love to link in ourshow notes, your GoFundMe account.
(50:45):
I know that it can be reallyawkward to ask for money to
be like, I really need help.
Yes.
I got you girl.
But yeah I totally get that.
I'm the same way whenit's like me or my life.
I actually just launcheda nonprofit ministry.
For leaders, so that we, Ibelieve that we're in a season
where we need leaders to rise up.
(51:06):
But in order for leaders to riseup, they need to be equipped well.
And so I just started this nonprofit andI recorded an episode earlier this week.
It was like, I'm not the money girl.
I don't know how to talkabout this, but so awkward.
So awkward.
Me too.
But I could do it for other people andI would love, love, love to link your
(51:27):
GoFundMe in the show notes so that wecan hopefully raise some support for you.
GoFundMe and my Venmo isthe same as my username.
She can please.
We will link both yourGo GoFundMe and your go.
That would be helpful.
I am.
planning on opening up commission orders.
So that would be custom work, whether it'sacrylic paintings and I'm soon a video
(51:54):
by the time this video airs, this podcastairs I will have a lot more options
up, but what's coming in the future is.
Yeah, taking commissions, becauseI, that's so special to me.
I love being able to like, takesomebody's likeness and story and
personality and just create somethingthat really is true to that.
(52:17):
And and just selling, Artthat I already have and that
I was working on for the show.
I want to do like a virtual art show.
And yeah, give me all the details whenyou have them and we will update the
show notes, even if it happens afterjust give me all of the links to all the
things I personally am really encouraged.
(52:38):
are inspired by you and want tosupport you however I can and
I just am excited to support you.
I'm excited for mylisteners to support you.
I know that you are, we're also lookingat going to maybe a treatment place or
getting some intensive therapy througha facility you've gone to in the past
and Sarah said, I'll plug that as well.
(52:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's so many different methods,but yeah, I don't know if Saraset is
lesser known, but it's a non invasivebrainwave technology, helped your
brain both hemispheres to get you outof fight or flight, as well as EMDR.
And it's You gotta find the rightperson, but intensive EMDR is so great.
(53:19):
I would recommend it if youhaven't had it for complex PTSD.
You really have to have,because think about it.
It's like being on the operating tableand then it's okay, see you next week.
And your guts are hanging out.
Like you can't have that.
And so I loved the consistency.
It was like six hours a day.
of EMDR going through and when Itell you it, I had nightmare, a
(53:42):
reoccurring nightmare every day sincemy marriage, it was gone, just gone.
And so there, my quality oflife enhanced in such a way.
And I've got night terrors,I've got all of that.
So huge plug to EMDR.
It doesn't work for everyone.
There's so many methods, butif you find the right person.
But you know that has worked for you.
And so that is, that would be incredibleif you could Experience that again and
(54:06):
go through that for this specific trauma.
And then all that you've gonethrough on the relational end.
So yes, we're going to link all of thethings I I'm going to continue supporting
you and following you on Tik TOK.
I'm really not a Tik TOK user.
So that in itself waslike a weird thing for me.
I was like, Hey, I'm going to message youon here, but girl, I probably won't reply.
(54:29):
I'm so grateful.
You got my number now.
So yeah, I'm a huge fan.
You made a fan out of me.
Oh you're just a delightful human.
You're making an enormous impact.
I love you just get it.
The things that you pick out.
And I love it.
Thank you.
It just, it really resonates.
(54:49):
Your character is it's a light andthat is such a huge talking with you.
Yes, I know.
We have to stay in touch.
Your intentions are and your goal, yeah.
I'm invested.
Me too.
So we'll stay in touch, but before youleave, I just want to leave you with
a little bit of final encouragement,Alison, your story of transforming
(55:10):
pain into compassion and using artand your voice to inspire healing
is nothing short of remarkable.
It's a miracle.
Your ability to lead with authenticityand vulnerability creates a safe
space for others to embrace theirown journeys and find hope in
the midst of pain and struggle.
(55:31):
I am deeply honored to shareyour incredible resilience and
unwavering empathy with the world.
Keep creating, connecting, andchampioning the beauty of human strength.
You are making an incredible impactsimply by being unapologetically you.
(55:54):
You, my friend, are created worthy.
Hey, friend.
Thank you for listening to my storyon the Created Worthy podcast.
I hope you feel heard, seen, and worthy.
You got this.
(56:28):
Thanks for listening and tuninginto the Created Worthy Podcast.
I hope that today'sshow resonated with you.
And if it did, can you do me a hugefavor and go leave a five star review?
This helps more listeners find the showand expands the reach of the stories
and concepts that are shared here.
All the links and guestinformation are in the show notes.
(56:51):
And if you're on socialmedia, come hang out with me.
You can find the created worthy podcaston both Instagram and Facebook, or
come follow along with my personalIG page, where I just share more
about the real, sometimes messylife of your fellow worthy warrior.
Can't wait to talk to you soon, friend.
And don't forget, weare all created worthy.
Wee oo, wee oo, wee oo.
Trigger warning.
At Created Worthy.
We honor and protect the storiesthat are both shared and heard here.
This episode contains discussions ofsensitive and potentially triggering
topics, including domestic violence,religious abuse, physical violence, Sexual
assault, eating disorders, and kidnapping.
(00:22):
We understand that these topics maybe difficult for some listeners.
So we encourage you to carefor your heart and your mind as
you engage with this episode.
If at any point you need to pause,step away, return at another time, or
just skip this episode, we understand.
Please feel free to do so.
Our goal is always to create a safe andrespectful space for stories to be shared
(00:45):
with dignity and heard with compassion.
Thank you so much forjoining us on this journey.
Hey friend, I'm Danielle Damrell,and I am so grateful that you're
listening to the created worthy podcast.
This show is all about honoring the lifestories of women from different ages,
(01:05):
beliefs, backgrounds, and experiences.
Everyone's got a story.
And instead of getting stuck in the trapof unworthiness, this is a safe place
for stories to be shared on this show.
We chat about the transformativepower of creative processing too,
and how we can utilize our God givencreativity with intention to heal,
(01:27):
grow, find joy, create simplicityin the midst of our chaotic lives.
So pull up a seat at our tablebecause we are all created worthy.
(02:15):
\So I think this is where I left off.
I wrangle him into bed.
I don't even ask any questionsabout the makeup, by the way, cause
I know that would provoke him.
So I was just like, okay, this is normal.
And Just put him to sleep like a littlebaby and he rolls over and he goes My
(02:38):
parents are gonna be here in the morningand I didn't believe him I was just like
this is part of the psychosis and thenI wake up in the morning He's a little
more coherent, but not really And hegoes they're gonna be here at 12 and I
text them and they're like, yeah We'regonna be taking him for a month, which
is insane You they, something, I, like Isaid, whatever he said to them that made
(03:04):
them come was terrible enough that theywere gonna take him for a whole month.
And they, and I, oh my gosh, theenergy in me, I was like the energy
bunny hacking his stuff, and I waslike, it's okay, you take your time.
You could stay withthem more than a month.
They were taking himto Chicago or Illinois.
(03:25):
And I was like, this is the craziestthing that this is happening right now.
Cause I would have had how difficultit would have been if he had been
there vacating the apartment.
Just everything about it, every, allof the layers of like attachment,
(03:46):
I would be afraid for my life.
So for one month, they take him away.
By the way they left us,or they left me in squalor.
He was a garbage hoarder too, and hewas and I couldn't keep up with it.
We'd have 15 bags of garbage.
So I was humiliated when, that wassomething that like my dad saw a couple
of times, and he was like, That's bad,Allison, but no one knew the extent.
(04:11):
He had jars of cat food underthe bed, and just, he would just
throw garbage on the ground.
So it was disgusting.
It smelled like cat pee it was awful.
And they looked at me, andthey were like, We're so sorry.
It's only gonna be a month.
They were like, Telling me like as ifI was like your son just said something
(04:34):
about killing me involved and you'retelling me that I had just been walked
through his diagnosis, and I'm thinking,I need to keep his family safe,
because I'm realizing what I'm with.
And I don't remember if it wasbefore or after they took him,
but it was around that time,because I stayed with him a month.
(04:58):
After the strangling and my mom, Iremember when I was at her house,
sorry, jumping back a little bit.
I had the, hand marks aroundmy neck, trigger warning, and
she, I let her take a picture.
Which she said, that's when I sawthat you were ready to get out of
(05:18):
this and slowly, it just, it was aslow process, even just getting to
the point where, and then it even,that was the beginning of everything.
And so once my therapist walkedme through his diagnosis, so it
must've been right before he left.
I, once I knew that he never loved me, wasincapable of loving me and that he enjoyed
(05:43):
my pain, that he fed off of it, that hewas unfit to ever make the commitment
of marriage to a person mentally unfit,that his parents were just as abusive
to him and just as much a threat to mylife, all of these things being told that,
really the main thing being, he neverloved you, that was like, it set me free.
(06:08):
And everything made sense.
It was like, that was the biggesttool in getting me out of it, was
realizing, and once that veil was lifted,
and I've experienced that a fewtimes with the narcissist, and
(06:29):
consequential situations that Igot in thereafter with narcissists.
I've been with a couple which iscommon if you've been through it once,
especially to the extent of that duration.
And every time it took a shorter amountof time for that veil to be lifted.
And I just, that feeling, luckilyfor me, and this is not the case
(06:55):
for a lot of people and I, So I'mlucky that this is the case for me,
but I had not one romantic feeling.
I didn't miss him.
I didn't, I, I started despising him.
And then slowly today Ican say, I just don't care.
(07:17):
I don't care about him.
I'm living with the trauma thatcreated and it's still there.
There's things ingrained in methat I, to this day, I have to
work on and I'll probably have towork on for, for most of my life.
And, but he's no longera part of that equation.
And so once I got that diagnosis,I remember sitting in the
parking lot and calling himand being like, Dad, I'm ready.
(07:40):
And he said, thank God, thank God.
We're crying on the phone together.
I said I'm going to do it, dad.
I'm not backing it down.
Don't let me get me out of this.
And so he prayed over me that Iwould be able to get out because
now we're in go mode planning.
He, my ex had found mymoney that I was saving.
So he was getting clues and.
(08:04):
I was getting stronger, so he tried toback me into a corner and do it again.
And before he could grabme, he didn't expect this.
I go, you're going to fucking back up.
And I like, I said, you're nevergoing to aggressively overpower me.
(08:27):
You're never going topush me into a corner.
So that's never happening again.
Or I'm out that fucking door.
I said it just like that.
I said, I will be gone in asecond if you do that ever again.
And that is still thefear of the Lord in him.
He ended up calling me, my mom, and waslike, I'm sorry, I want to kill myself.
(08:48):
And That was the first timetoo, that I called the bluff.
My mom's that's emotional manipulation.
Tell him you call the cops if you,or you can call the ambulance.
So I did.
I said, okay, you clearly need help.
Then I'll call, I need to call.
He didn't like that becausehe didn't plan on doing that.
It was just a power tactic.
And so slowly I'm realizing these things.
(09:11):
And then finally they take him away andI'm given this gift of a whole month.
To, without him knowing, make sure thateverything within this divorce is fixed.
That I vacate the apartment.
I get everything out of there.
Anything that he could use against me.
(09:32):
All of it.
I just have that amount of controland then to make the right steps.
He is harassing me.
Sending me the worst messagesyou could possibly imagine.
I'm screenshotting everything.
And.
My therapist walked me through it, andI think this is important for people
to know if you're with a narcissistand an important part of trying to
(09:53):
leave, if they're hoovering or they'reharassing you, you send a text, in
writing, do it, not over the phone,in, send a text first, and say, I'm
asking for a blackout in communication.
I don't want to hear from you again.
Maybe we can talk, but rightnow I'm asking for a blackout
(10:14):
and you need to honor that.
They're not going to honor it.
So then you have proof thatthey didn't honor it there.
Then what my therapist had me do wassend him a notarized letter asking
for a blackout in communicationso that he had to sign for it
when it arrived at his place.
So he didn't like that.
(10:35):
He didn't honor that.
That really pissed him off.
And so then we have the proof that weneed To get the order of protection and
not just for me, my, my whole family.
And so I go in and I just tell them,I owed up when I went through and
they said, you're good, you don'teven need to explain it anymore.
(10:56):
They gave me the highestlevel of protection.
And then another twoyears later, even though.
I had, he had made fakeaccounts and stuff.
They gave me anotherbecause of the potential.
They didn't, they knew itwas that much of a threat.
And so then, the court order ofprotection, you can also pay a little
extra to have the cops deliver it.
We did that.
(11:18):
And so then the divorcepapers and in that time.
Had just made sure everything wentsmoothly and that I had to change
where I lived, obviously a safe house.
Nobody could know my address.
I was like with a woman thatwas involved in like domestic
violence situations sweet lady.
(11:38):
And then.
Change my car.
They wanted me to quit my job andchange my, or take down my social media.
I, those were two things thatmade me feel like myself.
So I went through and I scrubbed itand my job, I told them the situation.
And so they had an underground garagethat they had me go into that no one
(12:00):
had access to, and I would be escortedto my car every night and I'd have
to check for tags on the car, airtags or whatever, or I don't think
they had those at the time, trackers.
I had to change my make an aliasof what I went by for a while.
So my, everything about my life changed.
And that was hard because it waslike a different kind of fear.
(12:26):
And I was still so young.
I was 23.
And so from there, I've spent, adecade, really trying to think maybe
less than a decade because 2017 iswhen I got diagnosed, but since then,
Being given that information abouthis diagnosis and then continuing on
(12:49):
to really understand the tactics ofa narcissist and how to safely exit.
And then learning aboutmy state of complex PTSD.
And I'm sure you and I couldtalk for hours about that.
It's a huge thing, that when you'vegone through that significant amount
of this duration of trauma and, evensince childhood, it's very, that's
(13:14):
what, and the process of unlearning it,like we said, I don't probably be my a
lifetime journey, but it's so worth it.
And, in the beginning, in order tosurvive my marriage and my day to
day life, because my reality wasso twisted and insane, no human
(13:35):
being can mentally withstand that.
So I drank and I smoked tons of weed.
And it was my coping and I felt soguilty for it, but even just a little,
like I, I needed something and Ididn't have access to anything else.
And so I developed a problem with that.
(13:57):
Not during my marriage, butit got progressively worse.
It was mostly after, but.
My therapist walked me through it and waslike, you need to, You can thank alcohol.
That's okay.
Thank it, because it's coping, andthat's something I wanted to talk
about, too, is There's healing.
(14:18):
And I think that, that's a lovelything to talk about, but I also like
to talk about coping because that's,like I said, that's the hanging onto
the wreckage to get to shore where it'sjust, how do you cope with your reality?
Cause that's another, it's amechanism of survival and it's messy.
(14:39):
And sometimes it's.
Not the healthiest of choices, but itis saying it is you saying I want diff.
I want my life I want to live and Soeven if it's on the most small basic
level Having that fight in you enough.
(15:00):
I think there's Something so victoriousabout that's something I love.
There's this band calledManchester Orchestra.
I don't know if you've heard of them.
The cope and the hope album.
So they've got the, it'sthis all the same songs.
One is cope and one is hope.
And I just thought that was beautiful,but each one, the songs are, interpreted
(15:22):
so differently, like different sounds.
And just love that messystruggle just as much.
As I like healing because I thinksometimes we're not proud of that, but
it was a huge deal for me to also beproud of what I did to survive, and it
(15:43):
doesn't always look like, I'm not a hero.
I'm not, I have had very messy.
coping mechanisms and then I wouldgrow out of them, but still be
stuck with them, or the situationwould get better, but I was still
stuck with these coping mechanisms.
And so that's a struggle.
(16:04):
And I did, I went on to struggle.
addiction and it felt like I had all ofthis baggage and I would say it's been in
recent years where it's so much lighter.
I don't feel like it was, I thoughtafter that, I'm like, I'm probably
going to think about this everyday for the rest of my life.
(16:25):
And I did for years, it wouldpop into my head every day.
And then it didn't.
And I don't know exactly when thathappened, but it does get better.
You're not just I think the bodyknows how to heal itself and your
mind knows how to protect itself.
And sometimes it, it overridesand prioritizes other things.
(16:50):
Like when you're so used to beingin constant survival, surveillance
of your surroundings, alwaystrying to interpret cues and.
All of that, it's hard for you.
I remember my little hostess shop,I struggled to remember anything.
And then that brought me back tomy school days when I couldn't,
(17:13):
and it's my brain was saying,we're not doing these menial tasks.
My brain was tellingme we're overqualified.
We've been working onmore important stuff.
And it's the crazy thing is I thinksome people feel like Like slower in
the head or like it's you know, andit does rewire you it is brain damage
(17:37):
technically, but it's also a beautifulthing that your brain is advocating for
you to get neuroplasticity is such a gift.
It's like the innate ability forour brains to heal themselves when
we go through specific types oftherapy or even do things, just
(18:00):
learn to do things differently.
I know that's been a huge thing for me.
I had a lot of things inchildhood that I never learned.
I just.
Those neuropathways were never developed,and so in my adulthood, after having my
daughter, it was a really big focus ofmy early 20s to rewire my brain so that
(18:20):
I could raise her differently becauseI just didn't have any of these normal
Instincts and the instincts that I didhave were based out of trauma and fear
and trying to just make sure that I wasdoing the thing I could do to survive
and cope in all of the unhealthy ways.
(18:42):
But I actually really love yourperspective on, honoring where
you're at with the coping, evenif it's not something that's like
traditionally seen as healthy.
I think Sometimes we go through seasonsin our lives where our coping mechanisms
are simply tactics to survive, and wecan honor the fact that we survived.
(19:03):
And although maybe in reflection,in hindsight, we wouldn't.
Be like, yeah, go smoke a ton ofweed, drink a bunch of alcohol.
That's a great way to get through it.
Like we're not going to necessarilyadvocate for that coping mechanism.
We can advocate for the fact that wedid it, that you got through that, that
(19:25):
you did make the decision to leave.
And then you have to learn how tocarry that pain and grieve that
relationship and grieve what Thatwhole season of your life, that whole
really first 23 years of your lifewhere you were shaped into a person
(19:46):
that you didn't even really know andnow you have to figure out who you are.
And so in that processyou use these substances.
I did too.
And there actually was some reallygood things that, that came from
specifically with marijuana.
There were times that I was actually,my brain was actually able to slow
(20:09):
down enough to be like, oh, wait.
I'm not just constantly in a rushlike I can for me and I'm gonna
pivot here to creativity for me.
I believe that the Lord actually usedmarijuana in my life to slow my brain down
enough and inspire me to create tangibly.
(20:31):
So one thing that I went through.
I went through a really trying timein 2019 and I share about it on the
very first episode of my podcast,but there was just a, or actually
at the end of 2020 I just was goingthrough intensive trauma therapy.
They found this mass on the top vertebraeof my spine, but they originally
(20:52):
had told me it was on my brain.
We had gone through a lot of death.
It was 2020.
Everyone was in state of disrepair.
And then we were on the Dr.
Phil show and I was confrontingmy childhood trauma at the time.
It was like near at the end.
And I was confronting my trauma with mymom and my siblings on live television.
(21:14):
And for me, it was, or not livetelevision, but on national television.
And for me, I, it wasn't a show.
It was, that was just a weird opportunitythat came up for an intentional
conversation that wasn't able to be had.
Prior to that.
And so it was a really hard, crazy time,but in that season is where this term
(21:35):
creative processing was revealed to me.
And what I realized was that.
Creativity innately is a healingmodality in and of itself.
And so on this show, I love tohighlight the concept of creative
processing as we talk through ourstories because I believe that our life
stories are the most powerful tool ofconnection that we have and creative
(21:57):
processing is the most powerful tool.
Is a powerful tool ofhealing that we have.
And just the term I'm going to go onmy little soapbox here for a second,
but the tour, the term creativeprocessing is a lot different.
It's actually the opposite of thecommonly known term, the creative
process, because the creativeprocess leads to an external result.
(22:21):
Whereas creative processingleads to an internal result.
And so it's how it's not abouthow the actual thing that
you've created turns out.
It's that's not nearly as importantas the transformation that can occur
from the process of creating it.
So how do we actually do that?
For me, it was revealed throughthis prompt the purpose of enter
(22:45):
whatever your creative outlet is.
So drawing, painting, it caneven be cleaning your room.
It could be making a spreadsheet.
I believe every single person is creative.
So how we activate our creative mind isgoing to look differently from person
to person, but, and it can change too.
But the purpose of enter yourcreative outlet is to process,
enter your certain intention.
(23:06):
So during this time where I wasgoing through a lot of deep.
Healing for childhood things, it wouldsometimes look like at the purpose of
watercolor is to process Mother's Day.
And how painful Mother's Day was for me.
And it was very, it was that processof pairing creativity with intention.
(23:29):
So that I could experience those positiveemotions that I was inevitably seeking.
But I had to go through the grief.
I had to go through the pain.
I had to feel through it.
I'm a feeler.
And I'm also a healer.
And so creativity is a healing,is like my healing superpower.
So anyway, all of that to say,when you set an intention for your
(23:51):
creative abilities, you're usingcreative processing to gain clarity,
to find hope, to reignite excitement.
Even on those tough days, it's a way toharness the creativity you already have
to make progress, no matter how small.
Simply showing up for yourself in thisway is evidence of growth and resilience
(24:12):
and a reminder that you're movingforward, even in challenging times.
So Allison, you shared with me thatyour primary creative processing
method is drawing characters, whichis a beautiful way to connect with
yourself and process emotions.
But can you share with ushow drawing has helped you to
navigate and process through a.
(24:33):
Through some of these morechallenging moments in your life.
And if you've noticed any shifts inyour emotions or perspective when you
approach it with a clear intention.
Well, a few things to say about that
with certain things and everybody has it.
(24:54):
Like you said, you arriveat this, this flow state.
And I think everybody, like wehave access to that flow state,
but we cut ourselves off from it.
And I think we do that because of fear.
Yes.
Fear of rejection, fear of not doing well.
(25:17):
And I think getting into that natural flowstate, you don't even know where you are.
Like you are just in it.
You're so immersed in it, and it justcomes out of you, and it's your best.
It's truly your best when you are ableto access that place in your mind.
I believe that's divine inspiration.
(25:38):
You're not thinkingabout what you're doing.
You're doing it and it comes fromYour spirit, deep in your soul.
And so I think for me that wasmy way of having my own world.
And I would just have thesedreams of these characters.
And I think it was, it was thedrawing and then also the poetry.
(25:59):
I have a lot of like, where I, mygoal is to publish a book of both.
Both did different things for me.
And I think With the poetry,it was my, it was like my code.
It was how I could talk about whatwas happening without fear of, someone
finding it and me being in trouble.
It was.
(26:20):
It was my own language, really.
And I think when I look back,it was me talking to myself.
It's about things that I didn't evenknow I knew because like I said, I was
in a different, I was in that flow state.
So it was coming out of me and there'sa part of me, the observer, not the
(26:43):
one chattering, but the observer of it,all of my experience of my lifetime.
Knows it.
Knows what's going on.
And, again, realizing I have access tothat all the time, that's a crazy thought.
And I still can't wrap mymind fully around that.
But, so that was the poetry, and then withmy doodles, I would often, my best work
(27:08):
would be on a napkin or a scrap of paper.
I actually got a tattoo of oneof my Oh, I want to see it.
I just got it.
So it's fresh.
Wow.
Oh my, I don't know if you can see it.
It's amazing.
But this was one I made in 2015
(27:29):
and it represents traumaa lot to me and PTSD.
You remember I said, my, my head fellmiles above me and, but still this like
This empathy, like this, just gentle atheart creature at the bottom of it all.
(27:54):
And so I would just find myself makingthese characters and it's a lot like
I also was so unable to connect withthe world around me because like I
said I didn't have a lot of socialinteraction and it was just really
hard for me to connect at that point.
And I'm someone that really,I mean we all need connection.
(28:16):
I crave it.
And it was like my way of having friends.
That sounds basically like imaginaryfriend but it was like I could feel
these characters, like they were, theybecome such a deep part of me that I
know them all and they live in my head.
And so it was just me taking myexperience and putting it somewhere
(28:40):
and it would just come out of me.
If I try to think too hard or,it, it doesn't work for me.
It's a very precious state to access.
And another thing I want to sayfor a long time, I believed.
And I think we do this asa, there's an awesome quote.
I'll send you later, but it's taught.
(29:02):
It speaks about Van Gogh and how heused to eat yellow paint and people
say that he did that to be happy.
And they romanticize his depression.
And often we think that our best workcomes out of depression, addiction
(29:23):
the things that plague us, thatour best work is because of that.
And I don't believe that.
And I and that's what the quotegoes on to say is we make our
best work when we're healing.
And I, and that rings true tome because I do, and yes I still
(29:43):
had access to that place within.
These dark times, but the best thingsthat have come out of me were out of
that spirit of it's a very vulnerable,but it's I'm letting myself heal
from this and I'm using this to heal.
I'm not, I'm not like staying inmy, just simmering with my hurt.
(30:07):
You're letting it move through you.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
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(32:02):
God's got you and you got this.
and not to say that those thingsdon't influence your art like they do.
(32:22):
I think your whole experience does.
But that's the beauty too of the humanexperience is if I was talking to God
or universe or whomever, and they toldme, you know, you, you've got to live a
human life, but if you're in it, if youwant to do it, you're going to have to
(32:43):
suffer too, but you're also going to have.
You're going to have the full spectrumand you can't have one without the other.
Yeah.
And you're also going to have thehighest highs and the best joy and
love and all of this, you're goingto have access to all of that.
And, I think that I would choose that.
And I think maybe I like tothink that my soul did and.
(33:06):
It shows this life and then Igo back to that statement I made
at the beginning like things arehappening for me and not to me.
And when I, there's, I repeat thismantra a lot and it is what the
universe has for me will find meand it cannot be taken away from me.
(33:28):
And I think that When I'm in that mindset,then everything that comes along, I
welcome it because I know that it's a partthat I'm going to get where I need to be.
And I have seen through this recenttragedy when I was carjacked,
kidnapped, and almost toast.
Yes.
The violence of that was, hopefullythe worst kind of violence I'll
(33:51):
ever experience in my life.
It, and violence, I think issuch a perversion of humanity
because it's like cancer.
It's cell against cell.
It's human against human.
And I don't think we're meant for that.
And so it feels like if you want to talkin terms of religion, like the deepest,
(34:14):
violating one's temple, body, whatever.
And so it, it hurt like a different way.
Like I, I just told you about alot of trauma, a little trauma
though, but it hurt different.
And it's hard to explain, but it wasthat invasion and that lack of humanity
(34:37):
that I saw and honestly the feeling of,
I, this time around I didn't accept.
I said, no, I'm going to fight this time.
And that's crazy because I was soconditioned to just let the, and there
were moments where I did, I was, thatwas my main defense mechanism was to
(35:03):
submit and cooperate because that'swhat I've learned works, smooth it over.
But towards the end, I had thatmoment where it's I can let
this happen or I can fight.
Yeah.
And doesn't matter whatthe odds for the odds are.
I got I just made that decision.
I made it in a split second.
And I said, I'm not going down.
(35:25):
And I held on to that wheeland because I knew when they
got me out of the car, Yeah.
So before, before we get into the likeweeds of this last story, I do just want
to share for the people who haven't.
seen you on TikTok.
I actually saw a real on Instagram.
(35:46):
I actually saw a real on Instagram.
I think it was somebody hadreshared your story or something.
And she I'm gonna, I want to handover the mic again to you to just
give a very high level overview.
But I also want to just tell peoplefrom the forefront that she goes
(36:06):
into the details of the story.
She has a series on TikTok and I reallyhighly encourage you go and watch that
series because not only, she talks somuch about Many of the different things
we talked about here, but she sharedan entirely different story on there.
As far as another narcissisticrelationship that she was in.
(36:29):
And I don't believe you sharedthis one specifically on there.
Did you?
The, my marriage, what I've discussedin this, I briefly, I started a new
series called a series of unfortunateevents and I want it to be like a
trauma dump, but like lighthearted atthe same time, because you gotta laugh.
(36:51):
Like you have to remain light andyou have to, now when I recap it,
it's not from this place of that deepsorrow, or even touching that subject,
just You know, and I've made thatdecision even with this recent trauma.
And yeah, I want people to knowit's not all doom and gloom.
(37:13):
No, I actually learned a lot becauseyou share so many of the, and you
did it on this podcast as well,where you shared the learnings of.
That you've learned through your healingprocess, the things specifically that
your therapist was teaching you or theways that your dad and your mom supported
you or the things that your brother said,there's so many different details in
(37:36):
the threads of your story that are alsovery inspiring, which is why I love.
Created worthy is because wejust are able to say I don't know
exactly what part of my story.
There's no way on a single podcastepisode that we can get into every
single portion, but whatever comes upto me, it's meant to be shared because
(37:56):
there's someone on the receiving endwho will be inspired or healed, or
they will be like, they will receive.
What is meant to be received for themjust through the sharing of the stories,
but that's what you do on your tick tock.
And in that first series kidnapped,beaten and almost toast, which again, I
told her at the beginning of this, butThat has that is like just such a catchy
(38:20):
way to sum up her story, but I'm tellingyou, friends yes, we need some t shirts.
Let me know if you needsome help making swag.
I got you.
Toast.
Yes.
But seriously what she wentthrough was absolutely insane and
it was It was a one time event.
It happened in her town where she lives.
(38:40):
And again, I'm going to let herrecap that, but I also just want
to say go get the full versionof the story on her TikTok.
So anyway, all of that tosay, can you sum up for us?
Yeah.
And I love that you appreciate that Ispoke about the relationship I was in
at the time too, getting out of thatbecause that was important to me and I
(39:03):
had a lot of people that were confusedby they're like what's the relevant
get to the story get to the real youknow they want but that was part of the
sensationalized version but the peoplelike you said if you trust if you're
speaking from that flow space of, andthis trust that your words will find
(39:26):
the right person, that there is a reasonthat, I don't think about my TikToks.
I just get on there for better or worse.
And I just say what's on my heart.
I don't have a script, like I don't, Ididn't know anything that I was doing.
But I think those parts werejust as important to me.
And so I didn't stop sharing them evenwhen people are like, okay, let's get,
(39:51):
because there were people like you, therewas numerous, like uncountable the amount
of people that were like, thank you.
This is me.
This is exactly what I'm goingthrough people that paragraphs and
paragraphs of them getting vulnerable.
And that right there is the juice.
That is what.
(40:13):
Any impact that I have on this worldis to make those places where we
can get real, we can get raw, andwe can be vulnerable without fear.
Because fear of rejection, and fearof being unlovable, and fear of
real danger, whatever it is, thatkeeps us from all of the gifts.
(40:37):
And so I think a huge way thatwe break down those walls of
fear is through each other.
Because it's the two most comforting wordsin the world to hear when you hear me too,
because it's okay, we've, we connect thenThat's what being a human is about to me.
We share experiences,but back to the story.
(41:00):
And this will be super brief,but I was going about my day.
And I went to the corner storeacross the street, two strangers,
initially two strangers.
I asked them for a dime, like aactual dime, not literally 10 cents.
(41:21):
Yeah.
Literally 10 cents.
And at first they were no, and thisbig girl, I call her in my story, but
now she's named, just like hittinghim no, I'm like, oh, it's fine.
I'm just going to go to my car.
Don't sweat.
And they used that as, it was like, ding!
And they ended up creating a situationso that they could get to my car.
(41:47):
They get in and they tell me ifyou want to make it back alive,
then you're going to do what wesay and you're going to drive.
It was supposed to be right down the road.
It wasn't.
And it was a ride from hell and hopefullythat will make the other parts that I
was talking about, the context better,but basically I, they ended up picking
(42:11):
up another girl that I call wifey in theseries and having me dish to got lots
of running around and then It got to thelast stop and I had this sense, I felt
the energy shift and I just said, this isit because they're not going to drop me
off at my house after they kidnap me andthey're taking my car that doesn't happen.
(42:36):
So what are they going to do?
And.
It was just like, I, there's so many partsof the story, ups and downs and things
that I would have changed and things, butI think that's also, it's been encouraging
to hear from people like, girl, nobodyknows how they would react unless
(42:57):
they've been through something like that.
And it's true.
You just don't know.
I would have thought I'd handleit a million different ways.
And they spotted that Iwas, they could take me.
I don't have street smarts.
And.
Their greed, I think in the end, protectedme because the man that was involved
(43:18):
was going to sexually assault me andthey didn't want to share so they made
me drop him off and they didn't includeother people because they were greedy.
They wanted this car to themselves.
So I was afraid that other peopletoo were going to be, like a gang.
And because I was.
They had driven to, stopped at acouple of places with, their crew.
(43:43):
And so I was just waitingevery stop this is it.
And then at the last one,I was like, no, this is it.
And it was just a darkstreet, no one around.
It looks like the type ofplace you'd murder someone.
And that was their plan.
And they were texting and being sketchy.
And she pretended to go intothis last house and get drugs.
(44:04):
And then she came back and.
I just, I had that split set.
I did not have time.
I turned on the car.
She whacked me and told me to turn it off.
And I knew that was weird.
And so I knew I had, it's, it was, she wasgoing through her pockets, buying time,
(44:27):
when someone's like buying time, you cantell she's not looking for something.
She's just going like this.
And I say, do you needme to turn on the light?
I was just trying to stall andthen I go, okay, this is it.
I have nothing to lose.
So I go and I push the ignitionand I try to, I keep trying to
put it in drive and she's justsocking me like over and over again.
(44:53):
And I'm hanging onto consciousness,but I don't want them to get me
out of this car because that's,I know they're gonna kill me.
And I'm trying to hang on andI keep trying to start it, but
she's just punching me so hard.
The girl in the back's holding me down.
And then I get they end updragging me out and holding me.
(45:13):
And by this point, my face was just,you'll see the picture if you go on my
TikTok and couldn't see you very well.
And I just bit down on someone's armand as hard as I could, and I ran away.
And Didn't get help for the most part.
And then I did.
(45:34):
Yeah.
So that's that.
Yes.
Condensed.
A lot.
Yes.
That was a very condensed version.
At the same time, the followingweek I broke up with a narcissist.
It was a shorter relationship, butreally impacting and impactful.
And That was very relevant to me becausethis situation unlocked something in me.
(46:00):
And that's, going back to this ideathat it happened for me and not to me.
So because this happened, wheelsstarted turning, veils were lifted.
And I said, I don't have to take shit.
Take no shit, do no harm.
I said, I'm out of here.
(46:21):
Like she, she accused me.
She was, she made it quite easy.
She told me you're cheating on me.
Like all narcissists stuffbecause she's cheating on me.
So I'm cheating on her, right?
You're relapsing.
You're doing drugs.
Like just trying to make anything up.
Just terrible to me.
She took my face.
Terrible.
(46:41):
No human being A friend wouldn't do that.
My, like an enemy of me wouldn't do that.
Like it was so aggressive and terrible.
And just, I, and I was thinking like,I'm not going to go through a breakup
and this in the same day, like thatsucks, but I knew it was happening.
And I remember I had a littlefolder and at first I had BPD
(47:08):
because she told me she had BPD andI was like, I can deal with that.
Like A lot of people have VD and I thinkit's, I was trying to prepare for that.
Yeah.
Because I just found that out threemonths in and then I'm getting all this
narcissist stuff and that's sticking outand I have extensive knowledge of it,
(47:28):
but I'm like, Goddammit, I'm in it again!
I just start looking at thesethings and I'm like, Ugh,
this just resonates too hard.
And it's, and then I changed thefolder to, Am I being abused?
And the answer was yes.
And getting out of that was a bigpart of it for me for that reason.
I uncovered it.
(47:49):
So many things.
I also talk about my current girlfriend.
I would have never found her.
She was living I can't say this, butshe was living across the street from
me, you get that, but she was rightthere and I never would have, she never
would have reached out and said themost encouraging, empathetic, authentic
(48:11):
things that just stuck in my headbecause that would have never happened.
So many little details.
I could go on and on aboutso many little things.
That would not have happened, so ithappened for me and not to me, and if
I had to go back and I had the choiceof whether or not it happened, I
would 100 percent let it happen again.
(48:34):
I wouldn't be enthusiasticabout it, but I would.
As long as you knew theoutcome, which you do.
Yes.
I am just so proud of you for sharingyour story here and so honored that
you would just carve out the timeand space in your life to share some
(48:57):
of what you've been through withmy audience before we close out.
Can you just tell us a little bit aboutwhat's coming up next for you and your
life and how we can best support youand connect with you going forward?
So moving forward I've was on myway to becoming a working art,
(49:19):
a full time artist again, and Ihad pieces prepared for a show.
And so I, this obviously puta halt to a lot in my life.
And it makes it hard to go outsideand I'm right where this happened,
and so I'm having trouble connecting.
(49:40):
So connecting with me on TikTok, ifit's a word on there, it, wherever.
And, every message matters to me.
I try to respond to literallyeveryone, it bans me from making
comments because I, but it just.
It is sometimes it's one wordfrom somebody that's okay, it just
(50:03):
gets you through that next moment.
And so I'm so appreciative toeverybody that like supports and
resonates and tells their stories.
That's so meaningful to me.
And I'm trying to currently, I don't know.
It's a weird month to move,but I'm trying to break a lead.
(50:23):
I'm trying to get out of city becauseI don't think I can like properly
heal right now with how fresh thisis and it's just, it's constant
and I just need big time help.
And so I also want togo fund pensive therapy.
I do.
Yes.
Because I would love to link in ourshow notes, your GoFundMe account.
(50:45):
I know that it can be reallyawkward to ask for money to
be like, I really need help.
Yes.
I got you girl.
But yeah I totally get that.
I'm the same way whenit's like me or my life.
I actually just launcheda nonprofit ministry.
For leaders, so that we, Ibelieve that we're in a season
where we need leaders to rise up.
(51:06):
But in order for leaders to riseup, they need to be equipped well.
And so I just started this nonprofit andI recorded an episode earlier this week.
It was like, I'm not the money girl.
I don't know how to talkabout this, but so awkward.
So awkward.
Me too.
But I could do it for other people andI would love, love, love to link your
(51:27):
GoFundMe in the show notes so that wecan hopefully raise some support for you.
GoFundMe and my Venmo isthe same as my username.
She can please.
We will link both yourGo GoFundMe and your go.
That would be helpful.
I am.
planning on opening up commission orders.
So that would be custom work, whether it'sacrylic paintings and I'm soon a video
(51:54):
by the time this video airs, this podcastairs I will have a lot more options
up, but what's coming in the future is.
Yeah, taking commissions, becauseI, that's so special to me.
I love being able to like, takesomebody's likeness and story and
personality and just create somethingthat really is true to that.
(52:17):
And and just selling, Artthat I already have and that
I was working on for the show.
I want to do like a virtual art show.
And yeah, give me all the details whenyou have them and we will update the
show notes, even if it happens afterjust give me all of the links to all the
things I personally am really encouraged.
(52:38):
are inspired by you and want tosupport you however I can and
I just am excited to support you.
I'm excited for mylisteners to support you.
I know that you are, we're also lookingat going to maybe a treatment place or
getting some intensive therapy througha facility you've gone to in the past
and Sarah said, I'll plug that as well.
(52:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's so many different methods,but yeah, I don't know if Saraset is
lesser known, but it's a non invasivebrainwave technology, helped your
brain both hemispheres to get you outof fight or flight, as well as EMDR.
And it's You gotta find the rightperson, but intensive EMDR is so great.
(53:19):
I would recommend it if youhaven't had it for complex PTSD.
You really have to have,because think about it.
It's like being on the operating tableand then it's okay, see you next week.
And your guts are hanging out.
Like you can't have that.
And so I loved the consistency.
It was like six hours a day.
of EMDR going through and when Itell you it, I had nightmare, a
(53:42):
reoccurring nightmare every day sincemy marriage, it was gone, just gone.
And so there, my quality oflife enhanced in such a way.
And I've got night terrors,I've got all of that.
So huge plug to EMDR.
It doesn't work for everyone.
There's so many methods, butif you find the right person.
But you know that has worked for you.
And so that is, that would be incredibleif you could Experience that again and
(54:06):
go through that for this specific trauma.
And then all that you've gonethrough on the relational end.
So yes, we're going to link all of thethings I I'm going to continue supporting
you and following you on Tik TOK.
I'm really not a Tik TOK user.
So that in itself waslike a weird thing for me.
I was like, Hey, I'm going to message youon here, but girl, I probably won't reply.
(54:29):
I'm so grateful.
You got my number now.
So yeah, I'm a huge fan.
You made a fan out of me.
Oh you're just a delightful human.
You're making an enormous impact.
I love you just get it.
The things that you pick out.
And I love it.
Thank you.
It just, it really resonates.
(54:49):
Your character is it's a light andthat is such a huge talking with you.
Yes, I know.
We have to stay in touch.
Your intentions are and your goal, yeah.
I'm invested.
Me too.
So we'll stay in touch, but before youleave, I just want to leave you with
a little bit of final encouragement,Alison, your story of transforming
(55:10):
pain into compassion and using artand your voice to inspire healing
is nothing short of remarkable.
It's a miracle.
Your ability to lead with authenticityand vulnerability creates a safe
space for others to embrace theirown journeys and find hope in
the midst of pain and struggle.
(55:31):
I am deeply honored to shareyour incredible resilience and
unwavering empathy with the world.
Keep creating, connecting, andchampioning the beauty of human strength.
You are making an incredible impactsimply by being unapologetically you.
(55:54):
You, my friend, are created worthy.
Hey, friend.
Thank you for listening to my storyon the Created Worthy podcast.
I hope you feel heard, seen, and worthy.
You got this.
(56:28):
Thanks for listening and tuninginto the Created Worthy Podcast.
I hope that today'sshow resonated with you.
And if it did, can you do me a hugefavor and go leave a five star review?
This helps more listeners find the showand expands the reach of the stories
and concepts that are shared here.
All the links and guestinformation are in the show notes.
(56:51):
And if you're on socialmedia, come hang out with me.
You can find the created worthy podcaston both Instagram and Facebook, or
come follow along with my personalIG page, where I just share more
about the real, sometimes messylife of your fellow worthy warrior.
Can't wait to talk to you soon, friend.
And don't forget, weare all created worthy.
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