April 4, 2025 • 53 mins
Abusers Actions Belong to Them Not You | Join The Conversation Call In at 323-524-2599
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Oh, thank you so much, Thank you so much for
bringing in doctor Judy. Doctor Judy, w TA what the
freud and tonight's topic is going to center around abusers'
actions that belong to them and not you. So this
(00:58):
is another way of saying, don't identify with it, identify it,
but not with it. So this is a call and
show everyone three two three, five, two four two five
nine nine And I love callings. Just keep it relevant
and if it's off topic, I'll try to guide you
back on topic. But if you keep going off topic,
(01:20):
I'll just have to move on to another call or
another point. So those are the rules of the game here, Okay, anyway,
thank you again. And oftentimes what happens is if somebody
gets abused violated, they personalize it. And I want to
go back over the history of why this is so
(01:43):
so people could understand why people are identifying with it
as opposed to it. So let's say somebody insults you.
Rather than making it the insulter's problem, you take it in.
It's like the psychovirus that goes deep down into your
core and infects you and then now it's all about
(02:06):
you and your hurt feelings and how they violated you
and so on, and I'm telling you, if you can
keep this boundary, you're going to spare yourself a lot,
a lot of pain. So I'm going to make some
distinctions here, because there are differences in types of abuse.
Of course, if somebody hurts you physically or sexually, of
(02:26):
course it's going to involve your body, and it'll be
on a different level of affecting you and infecting you. However,
the principle is still the same in that the abuser
is the person who violated, and that psychological ill belongs
(02:48):
with them, that psychological miss mis encoded information that got
them to violate it stays with them and should not
be part of your infection. Okay, so let's get into
some examples, and this is a call in show, everybody.
(03:09):
So the call in show is three two three five,
two four two five nine nine. And a great way
of understanding what the fraud I'm talking about is to
get my book via Amazon, Be the Cause Healing Human Disconnect.
If you want a PDF version, you can have it
for free. I think it's always nice to have a
(03:30):
paperback that you could flip through and make notes in
and underline and so on. And so forth. Because this
is a psycho educational process. It's not just a book
that you read. It's a connect the dots of a system.
So let's start by outlining the system and why we
(03:52):
personalize things, especially abusive behaviors. So if you would be
so kind as to put up the mindmap, I really
appreciate it, and so you could see it is divided
into nine panels, and the top part represents your past,
and in this case we're just going to call it
(04:12):
the shadows of your past, or the abuses and neglects
of your past, which represent your injuries, locking the full
exposure of your light, which is the manifestation really of
the best of your best. So when you're blocked, you
don't show up the way you can show up if
(04:35):
you've worked through your issues, if you've drawn the boundaries,
if you've defined for yourself what you want for yourself
and out of life. So kind of one are all
of these assaults and insults and so on, and abuses
in this case, and it includes the abusers who did
this to you. And then panel two is the reaction
(04:57):
to these wounds, and then panel three is how you
encoded them, which is very significant in this discussion, because
when you encode messages from your primary caregivers, they stay
in your psyche and we're up. When someone hurts you,
(05:18):
insults you, abuses you, neglects you. Any sort of a
shadow that pops up in your life is going to
reactivate these negative core beliefs as I like to call them.
And that's why they are metaphorically represented as a DNA
strand because they're newer encodings. So why is it that
(05:42):
people personalize If somebody insults them, they take it personally.
If somebody physically assaults them, they somehow think that they're
bad or dirty, or it's their fault on some level,
or something about their self esteem gets lowered because of
(06:04):
the assault. So why is this so? Because we are
blueprinted by our primary caregivers, and we take very very
seriously how our primary caregivers treat us. And if they
treat us with ill regard, if they wound us, then
the child will always think that they're at fault. So
(06:30):
the blueprint is it's all your fault. And that's why
I'm doing the show because I want to make that
very clear that the abuser is the one that's responsible
and the abuse should stay with the abuser and not
infect the person who's been abused. So how do we
do this? First step is understanding that we've been blueprinted
(06:55):
to have horrible, negative core beliefs, and we've been blueprinted
by the people that are supposed to love you the most,
people that you're supposed to trust, and people that really
I call it a hostage situation. Childhood is a hostage
situation in good ways and bad ways. Hostage to somebody
(07:15):
hopefully that will care for you so that you can develop,
but also hostage to people that misuse their power and
control over you and don't possess empathy, which is a
really key ingredient to having a balanced, normal empathic psyche.
(07:38):
So when our caregivers abuse us as children, being that
we cannot leave, you know, you can't just pack your
bags and go to another home or call the police
and have them whisk you away. I guess you can,
but you know, sometimes end up in a worse situation
than the one that you're in. In any case, back
(08:01):
to the point, which is that you always blame yourself
over the parents because you feel that by blaming yourself
you're doing two things. Number One, you're protecting your parents.
You don't want to see them as bad. And number two,
you're taking as much control of the situation as you
(08:25):
humanly can because you say to yourself, well, if I
behave better, nicer, kinder, more efficient, more pleasing, then I
wouldn't be in this hot mess. So do you see
how you're set up to protect the abuser. You're actually
(08:49):
set up to do that because you cannot afford to
see them as bad. You cannot afford to run away
from them. And so we have a and achilles heel there.
And back to Alice Miller, who was a I believe
she was a psychiatrist, and I have to look that
up again. Alice Miller Drama of the Gifted Child. She
(09:14):
wrote something that's very pertinent to this message then I'm relaying,
which is the children would rather be the bad ones
in a good world because then they have a locus
of control, meaning that if they improve themselves, then the
parent is going to back off or be nice or
stop doing it or whatever it is that's happening to them,
(09:38):
that's an abuse or violation. So that's where that all
comes from. And if you look at panel number four
five six, let's apply this concept that the abuse belongs
to the abuser, not to you, the victim of that abuse,
(09:58):
Because what happens is that when we identify with it
as opposed to it identifying it, which is their problem,
we fall into chaos. And chaos is this unraveling of
the self. So obviously, if we've been tremendously violated, held
(10:21):
up a gunpoint, sexually assaulted, we're rapidly going to go
into chaos. But also what happens is that we're triggered
by the wounds of the past. So if at some
point in your family you've had violations of physical or
sexual abuse, it's going to instigate the original wounding, which
(10:45):
will not only it will trigger core beliefs, but it'll
also reactivate the original feeling of abuse that is being
perpetuated by this person upon you. So the chaos is
you're unraveling, so you cannot hang on anymore. You're in
(11:10):
a toxic place. You've lost all sorts of orientation to
what's good, bad, right, or wrong, and you're kind of
like what you see in the metaphorical panel four chaos.
You're flying around in the ozone and you don't know
what's up or down. Or left or right, And so
(11:33):
this is what these abuses violations instigate in people, and
oftentimes they're not quick to separate this out, and especially
if it's a physical kind of abuse, it's virtually impossible
to do in the moment because you usually have a
(11:54):
reaction to the wound of PTSD. And it really is
so that you can think logically and say, wow, that
person's a real sick person. So that would be an
example of your healthy defense. If you look in panel
number five, you see defense mechanisms. So by saying it's
(12:17):
not me, it's the abuser. That horrific incident belongs to them,
not me, is a higher order thinking. It's not a
childlike state of regression because in this particular defense mechanism,
you're using logic and you're using a self protected an
(12:43):
appropriate self protective mechanism that distinguishes between who they are
and who you are. So rather than coming out of
the situation feeling dirty or feeling meaning, or feeling like
(13:03):
you don't matter, or feeling like anything down in the
dumps on the self esteem scale, you preserve your sense
of self. So those bubbles can metaphorically represent your sense
of self. And if your sense of self has been
fortified in the first few years of life by proper
(13:25):
parenting like mirroring an achievement and good attachment and good
enough mothering, good enough fathering. What you will do is
you will internalize that good enough parent and instead of
having what I refer to as a hole in the soul,
which is something that leaves you with no boundaries and
(13:49):
is very penetrable, it leaves you more intact to have
this core sense of self so that you can essence
wash away the violation quicker and understand that it's, unfortunately
(14:10):
the perpetrator's problem, not of course, ignoring the fact that
it's now is your problem if you've been physically emotionally violated,
because you know, no matter what, it's going to have
an impact on you. But now it's your responsibility to
quickly say that person is not well, that person is
(14:34):
something of a foreign object to me. It doesn't resonate
with my past. But look what happens if it does
resonate with your past. If you've been sexually violated by
a significant parental figure, if you have been slacked, if
you've been physically abused. Now it's left you boundaryless Okay,
(15:00):
So instead of having a healthy sense of self, you
have a penetrable wall. There are no defenses, and that attacker,
that abuser can go right to your core. Okay, so
right to your core. So no defenses. So now you
(15:22):
come out of the situation saying it's all my fault.
I deserved it. This happened to me because I'm not
good enough, or I'm the scum of the earth, or
however you want to interpret that. And that again is
a reactivation of your panel three core beliefs. So which
(15:42):
do you think breaks you down at which do you
think breaks you through? So anybody want to call in
and we could talk about which stance breaks you down?
Meaning a curtain number one, identify with it versus identify it.
(16:04):
And I'd like to hear from you. I'm sure if
you're listening, then you have had some level of abuse
in your in your childhood or your life. Why else
would you be listening to a psychologist talking about childhood
wounds unless you're very interested in psychology, I suppose. But
(16:24):
I know that you guys want answers to questions. You
want to know why your depression has sug to the
bottom of the floor. After some kind of violation, and
why is it that you've been so penetrated by some
kind of an abuse, and why you cannot distance yourself
(16:47):
from the situation. So any chats in the chat room
or anybody want to call in and we can pick
up the theme from there.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
We don't have any callers just yet, but we do
have a question the chat room, and the question is,
if childhood is a hostage situation, then are there a
lot of people that have Stockholm syndrome?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Yeah? I mean yeah, so Stockholm syndrome is I don't
know about a lot of people. I haven't done a
study on how many. But imagine if childhood is a
hostage situation, which is it is, that's where people pleasing
has to start, right, So you have to identify with
(17:31):
your aggressor, meaning befriend them, get on their good side,
try to do some kind of acrobatics to please them
so that you don't get hurt that you think that
by befriending them they'll be kinder and more, but you
(17:51):
know some level of benevolence will come out of them.
So yes, it's a very bad deal because it's not
based on an unconditionally loving childhood. When parents are perpetrators,
when they're abusers, then children have no place to turn.
(18:13):
So we'll go back for a minute to panel two.
So what is a reaction to a wound? People either fight,
but when you're tiny, you can't really fight. You can flee,
but where you're going to go, you can freeze, which
is a primitive response of just freezing your body, or
(18:38):
you can fawn and roll over and play dead, and
that would be the reaction to the wound, which you
can see here is sort of like the metaphor here
is you're cracking up. You don't know what to do,
so you try different things. You try to be a
people pleaser. And that's one of the many reactions that
(19:00):
I see of people who are in a narcissistically abusive
situation is they grow up perpetually trying to please and
please and please, and they don't end up pleasing at
all because things don't convert. In other words, just because
(19:20):
you're nice to the parent, it's not going to stop
them from beating you or abusing you in any particular
way because of course they've been injured. Okay, they have
been injured, so they're just passing their multi generational blueprint
(19:42):
to you and now you've got the psychovirus and hopefully
you work it out in therapy so that you don't
have to keep repeating it and passing it to the
next generation. So okay, So the question is if childhood
is a hostage situation? Shore what was the rest of
that question?
Speaker 2 (20:02):
If childhood is a hostage situation, then are there a
lot of people that have Stockholm syndrome?
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Well, we have to survive, okay. So survival oftentimes means
kissing up to the person who has the power, and
that's just a human thing. If you want to try
to fight them, you know, go ahead. If you feel
that you can, or if you can run away from
(20:28):
the perpetrator, go for it. But when you don't have
a power, the power and you're really little, the only
power and I put that in quotes because you don't
really have it is a way of trying to soothe
the situation by kissing up to the perpetrator. And that's
(20:53):
Stockholm syndrome. And so when you bond to the perpetrator,
you do so because you have no choice. Any other
questions about that or thoughts about that. So the original
(21:15):
question I post to everybody is what brings breakthrough and
what brings breakdown. So if you identify with the aggressor
like a child, and think to yourself, oh, it's my
fault that this horror happened to me. I'm a disgusting person,
I'm a low life. I'm not worth it, I'm not worthy,
(21:40):
I'm bad, I'm defective. If those are the core beliefs
you walk around with and somebody hurts you, then they're
basically triggering off the original childhood wounds. So you're identifying
with it, if that makes sense, And so is that
going to lead to a breakdown or a break through?
(22:02):
So let's go back to panel number five for a
minute and see what happens when the permeable membranes do
not protect you from identifying it versus with it. So
if you identify with it, then you become in some
(22:23):
sense enmeshed with that perpetrator. Now you're dirty too, Now
you're faulty too, Now you're now you're sick along with them,
and so now you're you've cut, you've been so penetrated
(22:43):
that you're down at their level. And of course I
think you can now see the answer to that. Is
that going to result in a breakdown or a breakthrough.
And I think you obviously know that if you have
no boundaries, you have no self esteem. You've been in
a hostage situation, you've had to do everything in your
(23:05):
power to please, and you can't really develop your own
effective self defense to get away from the perpetrators. You
are going to break down. And if you do your
mind map process as I'm suggesting, then you draw that
(23:26):
boundary and you have a sense of dignity within yourself,
a sense of esteem within yourself to figure out that
whatever is happening to you is not you and it
doesn't belong to you. And there's certainly a lot of
(23:46):
sick people out there that do all kinds of nasty, horrendous,
horrific stuff. And if that happens to you, unfortunately, and
you end up identifying with it, then not only is
the nastiness happening on a let's say a conscious plane,
(24:08):
it just seeps right down into your bones and infects you.
And that's how the multi generational process happens, is that
your parents cause what I call a psychovirus kind of
like a mental infection to happen within you. So if
(24:29):
they don't feel good enough they don't feel worthy, if
they don't feel like they're lovable, then they will create
that feeling within you. So that's something you therefore soak up,
and then you become that person, the unlovable, worthless, depressed, meaningless,
(24:57):
dirty kind of person. So any questions in the chat room,
because this is such an important point, identify it, not
with it.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
We do have one more question in the chat room.
The question is why do abusers gaslight? How do you
cope with this without getting angry or sad?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Why do abusers gaslight? Because they want they're playing a
game called power and control. They want to mess up
your heads so that you don't have a clear thinking. Okay,
remember the movie Gaslight. It was a very famous movie
back in the day. You should watch it. In the movie,
(25:40):
the husband was trying to drive his wife crazy, and
if you watch it you'll you'll know why. But he
does so by turning the gaslight on and off and
it's random and she's seeing this, and then he says,
you're just seeing things. You're just seeing things. So gaslighting
is a way to get you to doubt your mind.
(26:04):
So what happens if you're not set in your mind?
If you don't know your own mind. Then again you
don't have boundaries. You become permeable to their thinking, so
that they can eject, inject their poison into you and say,
you know, what are you talking about? You might be
(26:29):
going crazy? Are you okay? I I don't understand you're
even I don't even understand what you mean by that.
And so by wearing you down and doubting your having
you doubt your mind, they can continue to manipulate and control,
(26:51):
and eventually you become at their service or in essence,
broken down, broken down so far mentally that you don't
rely on your own mind because you have bought into
their lie, which is again another example of identify with it.
(27:16):
So you're identifying with them and their opinion or thoughts
about you, and they're so convincing. It's almost like a
magic trick, you know, like where did it disappear? Well, no,
it didn't disappear. It's still there. No, it disappeared. No,
(27:36):
you're crazy. It's still there. And they show you the
item and go, what's the matter with me? How could
I think that it's disappeared when it's still there. But
at least with magic, you know, it's a trick and
you expect that the person has a great sleight of hand.
But when it comes to relationships, you're you know, you're normal.
(27:57):
People think that other people are more like them than
they're than they're than they really are. So I want
to get to a point called positive uh projection. So
that means that you take a person, any person, and
(28:18):
you project on them unearned positive qualities. So you might think,
you know, wow, that's a really nice person. They're honest,
they they seem to be very pleasant. They seem to
care about me. They seem to want to assist me
in in, in in whatever I'm asking them to do.
(28:42):
So you have this positive projection screen. It's kind of
like the the rose colored glasses. So you're projecting all
this positiveness on them and then lo and behold, they
haven't earned a bit of it, and be because of
your gifting them these positive qualities, they can now take
(29:06):
you for a long ride. And vulnerable people do this.
They positively project onto people who they're hoping will save
them or give them a kindness or helping hand. They're
hoping for the best, and then the person, if they're
not intentioned in a kind way, will take advantage of
(29:30):
it and use your trust and vulnerability to enroll you
in let's say a Ponzi scheme or some kind of
manipulation that you're surprised that you're now enrolled in, and
all the while thinking that they're going to be kind,
(29:50):
they're going to be nice. So this is another way
to keep justifying your decisions. So no, no, no, no,
I just haven't seen the last bit of the story.
Oh no, they're gonna be honest. They just you know,
they have to do it that way for their reasons.
But then at some point, right like the story says,
(30:15):
and the emperor has no clothes, the emperor has no clothes,
meaning that everything was just a sham. It was just
a game to them, It was a setup, and you
fallen victim to their vulnerability. And so that's what gas
lighting is is that it derails your mind and it
(30:39):
makes you question yourself. And when you question your own sanity,
then other people can take over, which is in the
movie that's exactly what the husband wanted to do, and
then manipulate the person. Imagine somebody that you love and
trust saying to you, wow, don't you remember when you
(31:03):
brought the dishes down into the sink, and you say,
I didn't do that. Oh my god, are you serious?
You don't remember that? And I bet you don't remember
taking the dog for a walk this morning. I did. No, no, no, no, yeah,
yeah you did. And then you start questioning, and then
(31:25):
the person says to you, Wow, you must be suffering
from dementia. I think I should take you to a
psychiatrist or a dementia for a specialist. Let's have this
checked out here, because you're not thinking straight. Let's prescribe
you a bunch of pills, and let's get you even
(31:48):
you know they can go even further. Let's get you
checked into a mental institution, and you know, it gets
really dark, really really quickly. You could see how when
you are gas lit by an abuser, you start disidentifying
with yourself. Okay, you say goodbye to who you know,
(32:13):
and you start giving that other person power to tell
you that you're insane basically, and when you do that,
you've given up all sense of self and so therefore
they can manipulate you in any way, shape or form.
(32:35):
So any questions about that for anybody, the gaslighting part
of it, that was a great question because it pertains
to identifying it versus with it. So if you identify
with it, then you're saying no, no, that person's correct
and I'm crazy versus you know what, this doesn't feel right.
(32:58):
I'm not think that there's good intention here. I'm going
to move away from this and uh uh I you know,
I'm just going to pull pull away. I'm going to
pull out of the system so I can see what
exactly is going on. So it's so important for us
(33:18):
to pull away, pull out of the system, because when
we're in the system, we're basically just like you know,
in the frying pan, right, we're just frying away in
their manipulated concepts, buying into them, and then suffering the
(33:39):
pain and anguish that they're creating in our penetrable minds.
But when our minds are non penetrable, when we have boundaries.
I liken this to a cell, you know, biology one
oh one, and I talk about this in my book
Be the Cause Healing Human disc connect In Biology one
(34:03):
oh one, we learned that there are certain cells that
are very permeable, meaning they let in everything, and then
there are cells that are non permeable they keep everything out.
And then there are cells that are semi sometimes they
act in a semi permeable way. And of course, if
(34:24):
there's poison coming into your body, then you want to
shut down, and if there's something nutritious coming, you want
to open up. But in general, you want to be discerning.
You want to be what I refer to as a
semi permeable membrane, meaning you let in the good and
(34:45):
you keep out the bad. And so when we're violated,
when we're abused, it's kind of like breaking that boundary, okay.
And the more healthy you are, the more you're in
your own mind, the better parenting you've had, the quicker
you can re construct that boundary and take inventory and
(35:09):
keep your own sense of self. And if you didn't
have that growing up, then the violator, the abuser, will
tear down the boundary and then you're going to be
left basically defenseless. And when you're defenseless, as I've been describing,
(35:30):
you break down. So anybody want to call in and
we can walk through the process of anybody out there
that has experienced some level of abuse. It could be
abuse in a dramatic abuse or maybe even more subtle
abuse like neglect is considered abuse. One of the five
(35:53):
forms of child abuse is emotional neglect, and so emotional
neglect can leave tremendous scarring on your psyche because it
can leave you feeling like you're not mattering, that you're
not lovable, that you don't have meaning in your life,
that you're not important, that you're not special. Okay, And
(36:14):
so when somebody, let's say, locks you out or does
something abusive like the cold treatment or passive aggressively doesn't
respond to you, just withdraws their love and attention and
locks you out of their life and doesn't call you,
(36:37):
then it'll recapitulate the emotional abusive abandonment and neglect. And
if you identify with it, then you will start to question, well,
what did I do wrong? Why is this person neglecting me?
Maybe maybe I have done something wrong. And it doesn't
take much for the abuser to convince you that you
(36:59):
have They have to do is is say something that
is a little bit true, and it's not that hard
to come up with something that's a little bit true.
And if it's a little bit true, then you'll take
the bait and run with it and say, oh, yeah,
they're not talking to me because I didn't serve the
(37:22):
dinner on time, and I was neglecting them, and I
should have been more attentive to their feelings and so on,
So that you know, they'll take a little bit of
a grain of truth and blow it up and make
you a guilty one and then justify they're not responding
to you and cold shouldering you and passive aggressively cutting
(37:48):
you off by the little grain of truth. Now, if
you've noticed, these people who abuse that way have no
ability to self reflect or self correct or own their
own stuff, which is the self correct part, and they
just leave you feeling high and dry. Really, they leave
(38:14):
you feeling like it's all your fault, that you're the
bad one, and so you're always walking away feeling less
than and just going back a few steps remembering that
this all comes from your original childhood blueprints. So if
your parents made you feel that way, if they put
(38:37):
that core belief into you that you're a bad person,
that you're irresponsible, that you don't please enough, and that
you don't do enough, it just takes a little grain
of truth of that to sell you on what a
horrible person you are. And so guess what happens. So
(38:59):
you go back to the abuser, and then they tighten
the rein and they make you work hard, so you've
got to have the dinner on the table exactly on
the minute that they want it, and then they add
other demands to it. And now they want extra special
sauce that goes with it, and they want a massage
(39:21):
after that, and they want all kinds of other favors
after that, And so now you end up being kind
of like what you were asking earlier. You know, the
Stockholm syndrome. So now you're fearing the person that is
instigating pain in your life by ignoring you emotionally, and
so by ignoring you emotionally, you start to kiss up
(39:46):
to them and do more and more and more. But
it's not a wind for you, because it's never enough,
because they just keep dangling the carrot further and further
away from the wind, which never comes. All it ends
up doing is enslaving you into more and more people
(40:07):
pleasing kind of behavior, and it's a sure path to
depression and low self esteem and being vampired of your energy.
And so you could see that if you don't quickly
identify it as a sick person who's pulling this passive
(40:31):
aggressive type of cutoff behavior on you. If you don't
identify that, then you're going to identify with that and
blame yourself for it and work harder to try to
fix it from your end, and it's just not fixable.
So anybody want to give an example of how that's
(40:53):
happened to them and how maybe being clear on what's happening,
what the freud is happening, because really, this is what
the show is about, is busting the lies, busting the misperceptions,
busting the misconceptions, and this show it's about drawing boundaries
and repairing the inner wounded child, so to speak, so
(41:17):
that you're not walking around with this psychovirus infection still
running your life. That's what the mind map is for,
is to really take the past and disconnect it from
the lies that you have bought into and then recode
(41:40):
it because the first part of your life is sometimes
are very very bad encoding, and you don't want to
base your entire blueprint of your life on very very
poor encoding. That would just not be a smart way,
because that's how you do what the freud, that's why
you do the repeat and you don't come out of
(42:02):
the loop, the perpetual cycle, because you're always trying to
win this unwinnable game called pat childhood about blueprint, and
the only way to do it is to decode the
past and elevate yourself and have these awareness, this better
(42:29):
sense of awareness, so that you don't fall into the
trap of being vulnerable and manipulatable, and you don't fall
into the trap of losing your mind to somebody else's gaslighting.
So any other thoughts, questions, anything.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
We do have another chatroom question. Okay, The question is
I grew up in a household where my dad said
everything was my fault. Adult, when someone mistreats me, I
automatically assume I did something wrong. How do I unlearn that?
Speaker 1 (43:06):
So that's exactly what this show is about. He set
you up to think everything's your fault. So if you
get violated, if you get abused, if you're neglected, you
default to it's all my fault. You see that. Okay,
So now you've got to you've got to consider that
a healthy father would not put that on a child,
(43:31):
would not put that core belief. If there's something that
you did that was not good, then a healthy father
would say you know, you did this and this and this,
and go and fix it and clean it up and
let's work on it. But to put this heavy, kind
of like a an umbrella of of attitude on you
(43:58):
that it's all your fault, well, that's pretty pervasive, isn't it.
It doesn't say well, sometimes it is your fault, sometimes
it isn't your fault, and if you did do something,
you can always fix it. It's a very hopeless situation.
So therefore you are now set up that if anything happens,
so you know, if a waiter brings you a bill
(44:22):
and it's not correct, the waiter will just say, well,
that's your fault. You didn't do the math. And the
waiter can, you know, technically rip you off and say no,
you're not thinking straight. This is all your fault. And
you get so discombobulated because you're already set up to
not think clearly and feel guilt and shame, which, by
the way, interferes with cognition. You know a lot of
(44:45):
people say I have add ADHD, And my my take
on that, without being a biochemist, is that when you're
traumatized and you're made to think that you're bad and wrong,
can't think, for you straight, when you've been gaslighted into
thinking that you're crazy, you can't think. When you've been abused,
(45:09):
You can't find your keys, you can't find anything. So
I think that a lot of this is trauma reaction.
And so with what you're talking about, you've been set
up in a very very bad way. How do you
fix it? My solution is do the mind map process,
(45:30):
whether you do it by video or with one of
the counselors on the team. I have a video called
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse, And let's be clear that a
father that does something like that and makes his daughter
or son feel stupid is abusive. And the only thing
(45:51):
that I can think of without knowing more, is that
there's sort of an agenda behind it, a selfish agenda
behind that to make that person feel less than to
gain power and control over the kid, which is narcissism,
because the opposite the power and control is empathy, love, concern, kindness,
(46:16):
elevation of the person, giving the person a pathway to
to improve, engaging the person in questions as opposed to
putting heavy projections on them. Everything you do is stupid.
You're such an idiot. You're such a loser, you're such
(46:38):
a failure. You know, these are horrible concepts to be
living under. They're they're oppressive, They're absolutely oppressive, and when
you're a child, you fall for them because you believe
that your parent is the end all and be all
(46:59):
and know it all, and you know, oftentimes what you're
seeing is their expression of their damaged childhood hood upon you.
So how do you heal that? A understand that your
parents are not perfect, that they're damaged, that they didn't
do mind map, they didn't do any kind of therapy,
(47:20):
and so that they're just projecting their illness onto you.
And b you have identified with them. So rather than
separate yourself from the abuser and making it about them
by saying, my dad's not been very well, he doesn't
(47:42):
have parenting skills, you know what child will say, You know, Dad,
when you hit me, that was a very bad decision
on your part. As a matter of fact, you have
horrible parenting skills. And I think you better go and
take some parenting classes till then get out of my room.
And I don't want to have anything to do with you.
(48:04):
Kids don't talk like that because they don't have power.
Especially if a parent hit them, they'll just smack them
up the side of the other side of their heads,
So they don't get to have that kind of executive control.
But now that you're an adult, you do have the
executive control, and you can say to yourself, this is
(48:25):
horrible parenting, These are horrible messages. I don't want to
identify with them any longer, and I will do my
process to undo their psycho process on me. I don't
want to have anything to do with that, and I
don't want to live and perpetuate their blueprint. That's how
(48:48):
you want to do it. So coming full circle, you
could see that an abuser, their abuse is not about you.
It's about them and their unhealed childhood wounds, and they're
problems in life and they're unfixed psychological processes. And as
(49:10):
long as you can see that, then no matter what
they do to you, you don't ingest and digest and
manifest and take it to mean that you're a horrible
person or a dirty person or a loser or any
of that. You could just see that they have a problem,
And now your job is to go back to your
(49:33):
boundaries and defend yourself. Against such people and keep away
from such people and learn how to discern people better.
And if you can't, if it's a surprise violation, at
least not get to get sucked into I'm a bad person.
(49:54):
I'm a dirty person. They destroyed me. I'm worthless now.
That belongs to them and not you. And if you're
going down that pathway, then I would check to see
what kind of a blueprint you psychologically inherited from your
(50:14):
father or mother or both, and why you're perpetuating it
upon yourself. So if there are are there any other
questions or comments, there.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
Is one more. It's more of a comment. This person
just saying my ex friend had a daughter that she
used to tell her was stupid and couldn't do anything
on her own, to make her dependent on the mother
because the mother did not want to be alone.
Speaker 1 (50:42):
Yeah, there we go, manipulation and control. Okay, So that's
an example of a narcissistic mother. We didn't want to
be alone, so she was very self serving. So if
the daughter was stupid and useless and whatever, then she
couldn't separate and individuate, meaning grow up and eventually hatch
(51:04):
out from the nest because the mother didn't want her
hatching out at all. She wanted her close to her
apron strings so that she can can manipulate. And so
if the daughter is still buying into that, she will
be forever in a hostage situation. Okay, so she'll live
(51:24):
in that psychological prison until she understands that her mother
is sick and codependent and narcissistic and had no business
thwarting the growth of her own daughter. That example is
a great example of what people need to do if
(51:46):
they find that their childhood is set up like that.
They've got a heel from narcissistic abuse. And for those
of you who are not familiar, I created a program
called Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and it is in video
form and you can do it yourself. It's a DYI
(52:08):
if you want it to be, or you can also
enlist the help of a therapist, counselor here at the
Psychological Healing Center, and it'll take you through all the
panels and all the woundings that pertain to narcissism and
take you from through too, from your wounds of childhood
(52:30):
through dismantling them, through paradigm shifting you into a better
way of being and seeing so that you could be
the cause of better outcomes for your life. And that
is the purpose of the mind map. So if there
aren't any more questions or comments in the chat room,
(52:52):
doesn't look like it, nope, Okay, Well, I want to
thank everybody for joining in and for adding it up
in the chat room, and you're always welcome to call
the clinic and get more information, and certainly you can
purchase the Healing from Narcissistic Abuse video. It's a very
(53:13):
very concise and easy to follow, and it comes with
a journal and the book of course, and it's all
a PDF download, so once you're coded in you could
start watching and reading and journaling immediately. So thank you
very very much. Everyone, have a great evening and I'll
see you next time. Good night,
Oh, thank you so much, Thank you so much for
bringing in doctor Judy. Doctor Judy, w TA what the
freud and tonight's topic is going to center around abusers'
actions that belong to them and not you. So this
(00:58):
is another way of saying, don't identify with it, identify it,
but not with it. So this is a call and
show everyone three two three, five, two four two five
nine nine And I love callings. Just keep it relevant
and if it's off topic, I'll try to guide you
back on topic. But if you keep going off topic,
(01:20):
I'll just have to move on to another call or
another point. So those are the rules of the game here, Okay, anyway,
thank you again. And oftentimes what happens is if somebody
gets abused violated, they personalize it. And I want to
go back over the history of why this is so
(01:43):
so people could understand why people are identifying with it
as opposed to it. So let's say somebody insults you.
Rather than making it the insulter's problem, you take it in.
It's like the psychovirus that goes deep down into your
core and infects you and then now it's all about
(02:06):
you and your hurt feelings and how they violated you
and so on, and I'm telling you, if you can
keep this boundary, you're going to spare yourself a lot,
a lot of pain. So I'm going to make some
distinctions here, because there are differences in types of abuse.
Of course, if somebody hurts you physically or sexually, of
(02:26):
course it's going to involve your body, and it'll be
on a different level of affecting you and infecting you. However,
the principle is still the same in that the abuser
is the person who violated, and that psychological ill belongs
(02:48):
with them, that psychological miss mis encoded information that got
them to violate it stays with them and should not
be part of your infection. Okay, so let's get into
some examples, and this is a call in show, everybody.
(03:09):
So the call in show is three two three five,
two four two five nine nine. And a great way
of understanding what the fraud I'm talking about is to
get my book via Amazon, Be the Cause Healing Human Disconnect.
If you want a PDF version, you can have it
for free. I think it's always nice to have a
(03:30):
paperback that you could flip through and make notes in
and underline and so on. And so forth. Because this
is a psycho educational process. It's not just a book
that you read. It's a connect the dots of a system.
So let's start by outlining the system and why we
(03:52):
personalize things, especially abusive behaviors. So if you would be
so kind as to put up the mindmap, I really
appreciate it, and so you could see it is divided
into nine panels, and the top part represents your past,
and in this case we're just going to call it
(04:12):
the shadows of your past, or the abuses and neglects
of your past, which represent your injuries, locking the full
exposure of your light, which is the manifestation really of
the best of your best. So when you're blocked, you
don't show up the way you can show up if
(04:35):
you've worked through your issues, if you've drawn the boundaries,
if you've defined for yourself what you want for yourself
and out of life. So kind of one are all
of these assaults and insults and so on, and abuses
in this case, and it includes the abusers who did
this to you. And then panel two is the reaction
(04:57):
to these wounds, and then panel three is how you
encoded them, which is very significant in this discussion, because
when you encode messages from your primary caregivers, they stay
in your psyche and we're up. When someone hurts you,
(05:18):
insults you, abuses you, neglects you. Any sort of a
shadow that pops up in your life is going to
reactivate these negative core beliefs as I like to call them.
And that's why they are metaphorically represented as a DNA
strand because they're newer encodings. So why is it that
(05:42):
people personalize If somebody insults them, they take it personally.
If somebody physically assaults them, they somehow think that they're
bad or dirty, or it's their fault on some level,
or something about their self esteem gets lowered because of
(06:04):
the assault. So why is this so? Because we are
blueprinted by our primary caregivers, and we take very very
seriously how our primary caregivers treat us. And if they
treat us with ill regard, if they wound us, then
the child will always think that they're at fault. So
(06:30):
the blueprint is it's all your fault. And that's why
I'm doing the show because I want to make that
very clear that the abuser is the one that's responsible
and the abuse should stay with the abuser and not
infect the person who's been abused. So how do we
do this? First step is understanding that we've been blueprinted
(06:55):
to have horrible, negative core beliefs, and we've been blueprinted
by the people that are supposed to love you the most,
people that you're supposed to trust, and people that really
I call it a hostage situation. Childhood is a hostage
situation in good ways and bad ways. Hostage to somebody
(07:15):
hopefully that will care for you so that you can develop,
but also hostage to people that misuse their power and
control over you and don't possess empathy, which is a
really key ingredient to having a balanced, normal empathic psyche.
(07:38):
So when our caregivers abuse us as children, being that
we cannot leave, you know, you can't just pack your
bags and go to another home or call the police
and have them whisk you away. I guess you can,
but you know, sometimes end up in a worse situation
than the one that you're in. In any case, back
(08:01):
to the point, which is that you always blame yourself
over the parents because you feel that by blaming yourself
you're doing two things. Number One, you're protecting your parents.
You don't want to see them as bad. And number two,
you're taking as much control of the situation as you
(08:25):
humanly can because you say to yourself, well, if I
behave better, nicer, kinder, more efficient, more pleasing, then I
wouldn't be in this hot mess. So do you see
how you're set up to protect the abuser. You're actually
(08:49):
set up to do that because you cannot afford to
see them as bad. You cannot afford to run away
from them. And so we have a and achilles heel there.
And back to Alice Miller, who was a I believe
she was a psychiatrist, and I have to look that
up again. Alice Miller Drama of the Gifted Child. She
(09:14):
wrote something that's very pertinent to this message then I'm relaying,
which is the children would rather be the bad ones
in a good world because then they have a locus
of control, meaning that if they improve themselves, then the
parent is going to back off or be nice or
stop doing it or whatever it is that's happening to them,
(09:38):
that's an abuse or violation. So that's where that all
comes from. And if you look at panel number four
five six, let's apply this concept that the abuse belongs
to the abuser, not to you, the victim of that abuse,
(09:58):
Because what happens is that when we identify with it
as opposed to it identifying it, which is their problem,
we fall into chaos. And chaos is this unraveling of
the self. So obviously, if we've been tremendously violated, held
(10:21):
up a gunpoint, sexually assaulted, we're rapidly going to go
into chaos. But also what happens is that we're triggered
by the wounds of the past. So if at some
point in your family you've had violations of physical or
sexual abuse, it's going to instigate the original wounding, which
(10:45):
will not only it will trigger core beliefs, but it'll
also reactivate the original feeling of abuse that is being
perpetuated by this person upon you. So the chaos is
you're unraveling, so you cannot hang on anymore. You're in
(11:10):
a toxic place. You've lost all sorts of orientation to
what's good, bad, right, or wrong, and you're kind of
like what you see in the metaphorical panel four chaos.
You're flying around in the ozone and you don't know
what's up or down. Or left or right, And so
(11:33):
this is what these abuses violations instigate in people, and
oftentimes they're not quick to separate this out, and especially
if it's a physical kind of abuse, it's virtually impossible
to do in the moment because you usually have a
(11:54):
reaction to the wound of PTSD. And it really is
so that you can think logically and say, wow, that
person's a real sick person. So that would be an
example of your healthy defense. If you look in panel
number five, you see defense mechanisms. So by saying it's
(12:17):
not me, it's the abuser. That horrific incident belongs to them,
not me, is a higher order thinking. It's not a
childlike state of regression because in this particular defense mechanism,
you're using logic and you're using a self protected an
(12:43):
appropriate self protective mechanism that distinguishes between who they are
and who you are. So rather than coming out of
the situation feeling dirty or feeling meaning, or feeling like
(13:03):
you don't matter, or feeling like anything down in the
dumps on the self esteem scale, you preserve your sense
of self. So those bubbles can metaphorically represent your sense
of self. And if your sense of self has been
fortified in the first few years of life by proper
(13:25):
parenting like mirroring an achievement and good attachment and good
enough mothering, good enough fathering. What you will do is
you will internalize that good enough parent and instead of
having what I refer to as a hole in the soul,
which is something that leaves you with no boundaries and
(13:49):
is very penetrable, it leaves you more intact to have
this core sense of self so that you can essence
wash away the violation quicker and understand that it's, unfortunately
(14:10):
the perpetrator's problem, not of course, ignoring the fact that
it's now is your problem if you've been physically emotionally violated,
because you know, no matter what, it's going to have
an impact on you. But now it's your responsibility to
quickly say that person is not well, that person is
(14:34):
something of a foreign object to me. It doesn't resonate
with my past. But look what happens if it does
resonate with your past. If you've been sexually violated by
a significant parental figure, if you have been slacked, if
you've been physically abused. Now it's left you boundaryless Okay,
(15:00):
So instead of having a healthy sense of self, you
have a penetrable wall. There are no defenses, and that attacker,
that abuser can go right to your core. Okay, so
right to your core. So no defenses. So now you
(15:22):
come out of the situation saying it's all my fault.
I deserved it. This happened to me because I'm not
good enough, or I'm the scum of the earth, or
however you want to interpret that. And that again is
a reactivation of your panel three core beliefs. So which
(15:42):
do you think breaks you down at which do you
think breaks you through? So anybody want to call in
and we could talk about which stance breaks you down?
Meaning a curtain number one, identify with it versus identify it.
(16:04):
And I'd like to hear from you. I'm sure if
you're listening, then you have had some level of abuse
in your in your childhood or your life. Why else
would you be listening to a psychologist talking about childhood
wounds unless you're very interested in psychology, I suppose. But
(16:24):
I know that you guys want answers to questions. You
want to know why your depression has sug to the
bottom of the floor. After some kind of violation, and
why is it that you've been so penetrated by some
kind of an abuse, and why you cannot distance yourself
(16:47):
from the situation. So any chats in the chat room
or anybody want to call in and we can pick
up the theme from there.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
We don't have any callers just yet, but we do
have a question the chat room, and the question is,
if childhood is a hostage situation, then are there a
lot of people that have Stockholm syndrome?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Yeah? I mean yeah, so Stockholm syndrome is I don't
know about a lot of people. I haven't done a
study on how many. But imagine if childhood is a
hostage situation, which is it is, that's where people pleasing
has to start, right, So you have to identify with
(17:31):
your aggressor, meaning befriend them, get on their good side,
try to do some kind of acrobatics to please them
so that you don't get hurt that you think that
by befriending them they'll be kinder and more, but you
(17:51):
know some level of benevolence will come out of them.
So yes, it's a very bad deal because it's not
based on an unconditionally loving childhood. When parents are perpetrators,
when they're abusers, then children have no place to turn.
(18:13):
So we'll go back for a minute to panel two.
So what is a reaction to a wound? People either fight,
but when you're tiny, you can't really fight. You can flee,
but where you're going to go, you can freeze, which
is a primitive response of just freezing your body, or
(18:38):
you can fawn and roll over and play dead, and
that would be the reaction to the wound, which you
can see here is sort of like the metaphor here
is you're cracking up. You don't know what to do,
so you try different things. You try to be a
people pleaser. And that's one of the many reactions that
(19:00):
I see of people who are in a narcissistically abusive
situation is they grow up perpetually trying to please and
please and please, and they don't end up pleasing at
all because things don't convert. In other words, just because
(19:20):
you're nice to the parent, it's not going to stop
them from beating you or abusing you in any particular
way because of course they've been injured. Okay, they have
been injured, so they're just passing their multi generational blueprint
(19:42):
to you and now you've got the psychovirus and hopefully
you work it out in therapy so that you don't
have to keep repeating it and passing it to the
next generation. So okay, So the question is if childhood
is a hostage situation? Shore what was the rest of
that question?
Speaker 2 (20:02):
If childhood is a hostage situation, then are there a
lot of people that have Stockholm syndrome?
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Well, we have to survive, okay. So survival oftentimes means
kissing up to the person who has the power, and
that's just a human thing. If you want to try
to fight them, you know, go ahead. If you feel
that you can, or if you can run away from
(20:28):
the perpetrator, go for it. But when you don't have
a power, the power and you're really little, the only
power and I put that in quotes because you don't
really have it is a way of trying to soothe
the situation by kissing up to the perpetrator. And that's
(20:53):
Stockholm syndrome. And so when you bond to the perpetrator,
you do so because you have no choice. Any other
questions about that or thoughts about that. So the original
(21:15):
question I post to everybody is what brings breakthrough and
what brings breakdown. So if you identify with the aggressor
like a child, and think to yourself, oh, it's my
fault that this horror happened to me. I'm a disgusting person,
I'm a low life. I'm not worth it, I'm not worthy,
(21:40):
I'm bad, I'm defective. If those are the core beliefs
you walk around with and somebody hurts you, then they're
basically triggering off the original childhood wounds. So you're identifying
with it, if that makes sense, And so is that
going to lead to a breakdown or a break through?
(22:02):
So let's go back to panel number five for a
minute and see what happens when the permeable membranes do
not protect you from identifying it versus with it. So
if you identify with it, then you become in some
(22:23):
sense enmeshed with that perpetrator. Now you're dirty too, Now
you're faulty too, Now you're now you're sick along with them,
and so now you're you've cut, you've been so penetrated
(22:43):
that you're down at their level. And of course I
think you can now see the answer to that. Is
that going to result in a breakdown or a breakthrough.
And I think you obviously know that if you have
no boundaries, you have no self esteem. You've been in
a hostage situation, you've had to do everything in your
(23:05):
power to please, and you can't really develop your own
effective self defense to get away from the perpetrators. You
are going to break down. And if you do your
mind map process as I'm suggesting, then you draw that
(23:26):
boundary and you have a sense of dignity within yourself,
a sense of esteem within yourself to figure out that
whatever is happening to you is not you and it
doesn't belong to you. And there's certainly a lot of
(23:46):
sick people out there that do all kinds of nasty, horrendous,
horrific stuff. And if that happens to you, unfortunately, and
you end up identifying with it, then not only is
the nastiness happening on a let's say a conscious plane,
(24:08):
it just seeps right down into your bones and infects you.
And that's how the multi generational process happens, is that
your parents cause what I call a psychovirus kind of
like a mental infection to happen within you. So if
(24:29):
they don't feel good enough they don't feel worthy, if
they don't feel like they're lovable, then they will create
that feeling within you. So that's something you therefore soak up,
and then you become that person, the unlovable, worthless, depressed, meaningless,
(24:57):
dirty kind of person. So any questions in the chat room,
because this is such an important point, identify it, not
with it.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
We do have one more question in the chat room.
The question is why do abusers gaslight? How do you
cope with this without getting angry or sad?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Why do abusers gaslight? Because they want they're playing a
game called power and control. They want to mess up
your heads so that you don't have a clear thinking. Okay,
remember the movie Gaslight. It was a very famous movie
back in the day. You should watch it. In the movie,
(25:40):
the husband was trying to drive his wife crazy, and
if you watch it you'll you'll know why. But he
does so by turning the gaslight on and off and
it's random and she's seeing this, and then he says,
you're just seeing things. You're just seeing things. So gaslighting
is a way to get you to doubt your mind.
(26:04):
So what happens if you're not set in your mind?
If you don't know your own mind. Then again you
don't have boundaries. You become permeable to their thinking, so
that they can eject, inject their poison into you and say,
you know, what are you talking about? You might be
(26:29):
going crazy? Are you okay? I I don't understand you're
even I don't even understand what you mean by that.
And so by wearing you down and doubting your having
you doubt your mind, they can continue to manipulate and control,
(26:51):
and eventually you become at their service or in essence,
broken down, broken down so far mentally that you don't
rely on your own mind because you have bought into
their lie, which is again another example of identify with it.
(27:16):
So you're identifying with them and their opinion or thoughts
about you, and they're so convincing. It's almost like a
magic trick, you know, like where did it disappear? Well, no,
it didn't disappear. It's still there. No, it disappeared. No,
(27:36):
you're crazy. It's still there. And they show you the
item and go, what's the matter with me? How could
I think that it's disappeared when it's still there. But
at least with magic, you know, it's a trick and
you expect that the person has a great sleight of hand.
But when it comes to relationships, you're you know, you're normal.
(27:57):
People think that other people are more like them than
they're than they're than they really are. So I want
to get to a point called positive uh projection. So
that means that you take a person, any person, and
(28:18):
you project on them unearned positive qualities. So you might think,
you know, wow, that's a really nice person. They're honest,
they they seem to be very pleasant. They seem to
care about me. They seem to want to assist me
in in, in in whatever I'm asking them to do.
(28:42):
So you have this positive projection screen. It's kind of
like the the rose colored glasses. So you're projecting all
this positiveness on them and then lo and behold, they
haven't earned a bit of it, and be because of
your gifting them these positive qualities, they can now take
(29:06):
you for a long ride. And vulnerable people do this.
They positively project onto people who they're hoping will save
them or give them a kindness or helping hand. They're
hoping for the best, and then the person, if they're
not intentioned in a kind way, will take advantage of
(29:30):
it and use your trust and vulnerability to enroll you
in let's say a Ponzi scheme or some kind of
manipulation that you're surprised that you're now enrolled in, and
all the while thinking that they're going to be kind,
(29:50):
they're going to be nice. So this is another way
to keep justifying your decisions. So no, no, no, no,
I just haven't seen the last bit of the story.
Oh no, they're gonna be honest. They just you know,
they have to do it that way for their reasons.
But then at some point, right like the story says,
(30:15):
and the emperor has no clothes, the emperor has no clothes,
meaning that everything was just a sham. It was just
a game to them, It was a setup, and you
fallen victim to their vulnerability. And so that's what gas
lighting is is that it derails your mind and it
(30:39):
makes you question yourself. And when you question your own sanity,
then other people can take over, which is in the
movie that's exactly what the husband wanted to do, and
then manipulate the person. Imagine somebody that you love and
trust saying to you, wow, don't you remember when you
(31:03):
brought the dishes down into the sink, and you say,
I didn't do that. Oh my god, are you serious?
You don't remember that? And I bet you don't remember
taking the dog for a walk this morning. I did. No, no, no, no, yeah,
yeah you did. And then you start questioning, and then
(31:25):
the person says to you, Wow, you must be suffering
from dementia. I think I should take you to a
psychiatrist or a dementia for a specialist. Let's have this
checked out here, because you're not thinking straight. Let's prescribe
you a bunch of pills, and let's get you even
(31:48):
you know they can go even further. Let's get you
checked into a mental institution, and you know, it gets
really dark, really really quickly. You could see how when
you are gas lit by an abuser, you start disidentifying
with yourself. Okay, you say goodbye to who you know,
(32:13):
and you start giving that other person power to tell
you that you're insane basically, and when you do that,
you've given up all sense of self and so therefore
they can manipulate you in any way, shape or form.
(32:35):
So any questions about that for anybody, the gaslighting part
of it, that was a great question because it pertains
to identifying it versus with it. So if you identify
with it, then you're saying no, no, that person's correct
and I'm crazy versus you know what, this doesn't feel right.
(32:58):
I'm not think that there's good intention here. I'm going
to move away from this and uh uh I you know,
I'm just going to pull pull away. I'm going to
pull out of the system so I can see what
exactly is going on. So it's so important for us
(33:18):
to pull away, pull out of the system, because when
we're in the system, we're basically just like you know,
in the frying pan, right, we're just frying away in
their manipulated concepts, buying into them, and then suffering the
(33:39):
pain and anguish that they're creating in our penetrable minds.
But when our minds are non penetrable, when we have boundaries.
I liken this to a cell, you know, biology one
oh one, and I talk about this in my book
Be the Cause Healing Human disc connect In Biology one
(34:03):
oh one, we learned that there are certain cells that
are very permeable, meaning they let in everything, and then
there are cells that are non permeable they keep everything out.
And then there are cells that are semi sometimes they
act in a semi permeable way. And of course, if
(34:24):
there's poison coming into your body, then you want to
shut down, and if there's something nutritious coming, you want
to open up. But in general, you want to be discerning.
You want to be what I refer to as a
semi permeable membrane, meaning you let in the good and
(34:45):
you keep out the bad. And so when we're violated,
when we're abused, it's kind of like breaking that boundary, okay.
And the more healthy you are, the more you're in
your own mind, the better parenting you've had, the quicker
you can re construct that boundary and take inventory and
(35:09):
keep your own sense of self. And if you didn't
have that growing up, then the violator, the abuser, will
tear down the boundary and then you're going to be
left basically defenseless. And when you're defenseless, as I've been describing,
(35:30):
you break down. So anybody want to call in and
we can walk through the process of anybody out there
that has experienced some level of abuse. It could be
abuse in a dramatic abuse or maybe even more subtle
abuse like neglect is considered abuse. One of the five
(35:53):
forms of child abuse is emotional neglect, and so emotional
neglect can leave tremendous scarring on your psyche because it
can leave you feeling like you're not mattering, that you're
not lovable, that you don't have meaning in your life,
that you're not important, that you're not special. Okay, And
(36:14):
so when somebody, let's say, locks you out or does
something abusive like the cold treatment or passive aggressively doesn't
respond to you, just withdraws their love and attention and
locks you out of their life and doesn't call you,
(36:37):
then it'll recapitulate the emotional abusive abandonment and neglect. And
if you identify with it, then you will start to question, well,
what did I do wrong? Why is this person neglecting me?
Maybe maybe I have done something wrong. And it doesn't
take much for the abuser to convince you that you
(36:59):
have They have to do is is say something that
is a little bit true, and it's not that hard
to come up with something that's a little bit true.
And if it's a little bit true, then you'll take
the bait and run with it and say, oh, yeah,
they're not talking to me because I didn't serve the
(37:22):
dinner on time, and I was neglecting them, and I
should have been more attentive to their feelings and so on,
So that you know, they'll take a little bit of
a grain of truth and blow it up and make
you a guilty one and then justify they're not responding
to you and cold shouldering you and passive aggressively cutting
(37:48):
you off by the little grain of truth. Now, if
you've noticed, these people who abuse that way have no
ability to self reflect or self correct or own their
own stuff, which is the self correct part, and they
just leave you feeling high and dry. Really, they leave
(38:14):
you feeling like it's all your fault, that you're the
bad one, and so you're always walking away feeling less
than and just going back a few steps remembering that
this all comes from your original childhood blueprints. So if
your parents made you feel that way, if they put
(38:37):
that core belief into you that you're a bad person,
that you're irresponsible, that you don't please enough, and that
you don't do enough, it just takes a little grain
of truth of that to sell you on what a
horrible person you are. And so guess what happens. So
(38:59):
you go back to the abuser, and then they tighten
the rein and they make you work hard, so you've
got to have the dinner on the table exactly on
the minute that they want it, and then they add
other demands to it. And now they want extra special
sauce that goes with it, and they want a massage
(39:21):
after that, and they want all kinds of other favors
after that, And so now you end up being kind
of like what you were asking earlier. You know, the
Stockholm syndrome. So now you're fearing the person that is
instigating pain in your life by ignoring you emotionally, and
so by ignoring you emotionally, you start to kiss up
(39:46):
to them and do more and more and more. But
it's not a wind for you, because it's never enough,
because they just keep dangling the carrot further and further
away from the wind, which never comes. All it ends
up doing is enslaving you into more and more people
(40:07):
pleasing kind of behavior, and it's a sure path to
depression and low self esteem and being vampired of your energy.
And so you could see that if you don't quickly
identify it as a sick person who's pulling this passive
(40:31):
aggressive type of cutoff behavior on you. If you don't
identify that, then you're going to identify with that and
blame yourself for it and work harder to try to
fix it from your end, and it's just not fixable.
So anybody want to give an example of how that's
(40:53):
happened to them and how maybe being clear on what's happening,
what the freud is happening, because really, this is what
the show is about, is busting the lies, busting the misperceptions,
busting the misconceptions, and this show it's about drawing boundaries
and repairing the inner wounded child, so to speak, so
(41:17):
that you're not walking around with this psychovirus infection still
running your life. That's what the mind map is for,
is to really take the past and disconnect it from
the lies that you have bought into and then recode
(41:40):
it because the first part of your life is sometimes
are very very bad encoding, and you don't want to
base your entire blueprint of your life on very very
poor encoding. That would just not be a smart way,
because that's how you do what the freud, that's why
you do the repeat and you don't come out of
(42:02):
the loop, the perpetual cycle, because you're always trying to
win this unwinnable game called pat childhood about blueprint, and
the only way to do it is to decode the
past and elevate yourself and have these awareness, this better
(42:29):
sense of awareness, so that you don't fall into the
trap of being vulnerable and manipulatable, and you don't fall
into the trap of losing your mind to somebody else's gaslighting.
So any other thoughts, questions, anything.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
We do have another chatroom question. Okay, The question is
I grew up in a household where my dad said
everything was my fault. Adult, when someone mistreats me, I
automatically assume I did something wrong. How do I unlearn that?
Speaker 1 (43:06):
So that's exactly what this show is about. He set
you up to think everything's your fault. So if you
get violated, if you get abused, if you're neglected, you
default to it's all my fault. You see that. Okay,
So now you've got to you've got to consider that
a healthy father would not put that on a child,
(43:31):
would not put that core belief. If there's something that
you did that was not good, then a healthy father
would say you know, you did this and this and this,
and go and fix it and clean it up and
let's work on it. But to put this heavy, kind
of like a an umbrella of of attitude on you
(43:58):
that it's all your fault, well, that's pretty pervasive, isn't it.
It doesn't say well, sometimes it is your fault, sometimes
it isn't your fault, and if you did do something,
you can always fix it. It's a very hopeless situation.
So therefore you are now set up that if anything happens,
so you know, if a waiter brings you a bill
(44:22):
and it's not correct, the waiter will just say, well,
that's your fault. You didn't do the math. And the
waiter can, you know, technically rip you off and say no,
you're not thinking straight. This is all your fault. And
you get so discombobulated because you're already set up to
not think clearly and feel guilt and shame, which, by
the way, interferes with cognition. You know a lot of
(44:45):
people say I have add ADHD, And my my take
on that, without being a biochemist, is that when you're
traumatized and you're made to think that you're bad and wrong,
can't think, for you straight, when you've been gaslighted into
thinking that you're crazy, you can't think. When you've been abused,
(45:09):
You can't find your keys, you can't find anything. So
I think that a lot of this is trauma reaction.
And so with what you're talking about, you've been set
up in a very very bad way. How do you
fix it? My solution is do the mind map process,
(45:30):
whether you do it by video or with one of
the counselors on the team. I have a video called
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse, And let's be clear that a
father that does something like that and makes his daughter
or son feel stupid is abusive. And the only thing
(45:51):
that I can think of without knowing more, is that
there's sort of an agenda behind it, a selfish agenda
behind that to make that person feel less than to
gain power and control over the kid, which is narcissism,
because the opposite the power and control is empathy, love, concern, kindness,
(46:16):
elevation of the person, giving the person a pathway to
to improve, engaging the person in questions as opposed to
putting heavy projections on them. Everything you do is stupid.
You're such an idiot. You're such a loser, you're such
(46:38):
a failure. You know, these are horrible concepts to be
living under. They're they're oppressive, They're absolutely oppressive, and when
you're a child, you fall for them because you believe
that your parent is the end all and be all
(46:59):
and know it all, and you know, oftentimes what you're
seeing is their expression of their damaged childhood hood upon you.
So how do you heal that? A understand that your
parents are not perfect, that they're damaged, that they didn't
do mind map, they didn't do any kind of therapy,
(47:20):
and so that they're just projecting their illness onto you.
And b you have identified with them. So rather than
separate yourself from the abuser and making it about them
by saying, my dad's not been very well, he doesn't
(47:42):
have parenting skills, you know what child will say, You know, Dad,
when you hit me, that was a very bad decision
on your part. As a matter of fact, you have
horrible parenting skills. And I think you better go and
take some parenting classes till then get out of my room.
And I don't want to have anything to do with you.
(48:04):
Kids don't talk like that because they don't have power.
Especially if a parent hit them, they'll just smack them
up the side of the other side of their heads,
So they don't get to have that kind of executive control.
But now that you're an adult, you do have the
executive control, and you can say to yourself, this is
(48:25):
horrible parenting, These are horrible messages. I don't want to
identify with them any longer, and I will do my
process to undo their psycho process on me. I don't
want to have anything to do with that, and I
don't want to live and perpetuate their blueprint. That's how
(48:48):
you want to do it. So coming full circle, you
could see that an abuser, their abuse is not about you.
It's about them and their unhealed childhood wounds, and they're
problems in life and they're unfixed psychological processes. And as
(49:10):
long as you can see that, then no matter what
they do to you, you don't ingest and digest and
manifest and take it to mean that you're a horrible
person or a dirty person or a loser or any
of that. You could just see that they have a problem,
And now your job is to go back to your
(49:33):
boundaries and defend yourself. Against such people and keep away
from such people and learn how to discern people better.
And if you can't, if it's a surprise violation, at
least not get to get sucked into I'm a bad person.
(49:54):
I'm a dirty person. They destroyed me. I'm worthless now.
That belongs to them and not you. And if you're
going down that pathway, then I would check to see
what kind of a blueprint you psychologically inherited from your
(50:14):
father or mother or both, and why you're perpetuating it
upon yourself. So if there are are there any other
questions or comments, there.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
Is one more. It's more of a comment. This person
just saying my ex friend had a daughter that she
used to tell her was stupid and couldn't do anything
on her own, to make her dependent on the mother
because the mother did not want to be alone.
Speaker 1 (50:42):
Yeah, there we go, manipulation and control. Okay, So that's
an example of a narcissistic mother. We didn't want to
be alone, so she was very self serving. So if
the daughter was stupid and useless and whatever, then she
couldn't separate and individuate, meaning grow up and eventually hatch
(51:04):
out from the nest because the mother didn't want her
hatching out at all. She wanted her close to her
apron strings so that she can can manipulate. And so
if the daughter is still buying into that, she will
be forever in a hostage situation. Okay, so she'll live
(51:24):
in that psychological prison until she understands that her mother
is sick and codependent and narcissistic and had no business
thwarting the growth of her own daughter. That example is
a great example of what people need to do if
(51:46):
they find that their childhood is set up like that.
They've got a heel from narcissistic abuse. And for those
of you who are not familiar, I created a program
called Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and it is in video
form and you can do it yourself. It's a DYI
(52:08):
if you want it to be, or you can also
enlist the help of a therapist, counselor here at the
Psychological Healing Center, and it'll take you through all the
panels and all the woundings that pertain to narcissism and
take you from through too, from your wounds of childhood
(52:30):
through dismantling them, through paradigm shifting you into a better
way of being and seeing so that you could be
the cause of better outcomes for your life. And that
is the purpose of the mind map. So if there
aren't any more questions or comments in the chat room,
(52:52):
doesn't look like it, nope, Okay, Well, I want to
thank everybody for joining in and for adding it up
in the chat room, and you're always welcome to call
the clinic and get more information, and certainly you can
purchase the Healing from Narcissistic Abuse video. It's a very
(53:13):
very concise and easy to follow, and it comes with
a journal and the book of course, and it's all
a PDF download, so once you're coded in you could
start watching and reading and journaling immediately. So thank you
very very much. Everyone, have a great evening and I'll
see you next time. Good night,
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