March 28, 2025 • 62 mins
The effects of Futility on The Psyche: The Outcome of a Narcissistic System | Join The Conversation Call In at 323-524-2599
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
H hello everyone, and thanks for you, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Can join again, Doctor Judy here, Doctor Judy. W T F.
What the freud? What the fraud? Are we doing repeating
things all the time. We don't seem to get off
of the the merry go round? And so the system
that I created, the mind maps, is really a pathway
(01:03):
to get off the merry go round of psycho pathology.
And tonight we're going to talk about the effects of
futility on the psyche and the narcissistic system gone wrong.
And why I chose this topic is because you know,
the universe always tells you what to talk about, or
at least I try to tune into what would be
(01:26):
a good topic. And I notice a lot of futility
happening in my life, futally signing up for programs that
I don't really benefit from, or feutally waiting for people
who don't show up, or putting effort into things that
don't blossom, and it gets kind of frustrating. So let's
(01:47):
start this off with the story of Sisyphus, who was
a Greek mythological figure, and what he did was he
rolled this huge boulder up the hill. However, every time
he rolled it up the hill, it would slide back
a little bit and he would not progress at all.
And this is the metaphor that I'm using tonight to
(02:09):
describe the effects of futility on the psycheek. Can you
imagine spending your whole life just trying to push this
boulder up the hill, only to have it rolled back
at you. And this is a theme that permeates our
cultural metaphors as well. For example, Pharaoh, the story of
(02:31):
Passover which is coming up, where the Jews had to
carry pyramids, stones, building, and they built for the Egyptians,
of course, and it was futile for them because they
didn't get anything out of it, and they just kept
building and building for not themselves basically. So why I
(02:52):
tie it to the narcissistic system is because when you
build for a narcissist, you're really building for them, and
you're left out of the formula because you are at
their service. So this is a call and show everyone.
Please feel free to call in and that number is
three two three five two four two five nine nine,
(03:17):
and I welcome calls, and I'm just telling you heads
up that if you're off topic, I'm going to ask
you to get off the call, because the purpose of
the show is for it to be points made around
the topic that I select, and not just a venting
session for you to call in and air your your
(03:39):
life story. That really doesn't serve the audience. And I'm
here to serve the audience and not just one single person.
So with that said, I do love for you to
call in, and please do and we could talk about futility.
So let's start with a mind map and childhood injury.
(04:00):
And one of the things I think I don't talk
enough about is the wound of futility where the child
does things, that does things and doesn't really get anything
out of it, sort of like the maid of the
parent for example. So if you look at the mind map,
it's laid out in three rows, wounds of childhood, how
(04:24):
we react, what we encode in our psyche about the
wounds of childhood, and then how that gets tripped up
kind of like a lever and then takes us down
into chaos, which is everything unraveling and everything sort of
(04:45):
going wrong, and a lot of darkness, a lot of confusion,
not feeling that you have much direction in life. You
could see the little people flying off into the ozone
and really no structure. And then what do we do
when we are in chaos is we defend ourselves. So
(05:06):
in panel five you can see little bubbles of defense mechanisms,
and these bubbles represent all kinds of defense mechanism like
shutting down or doing drugs or sleeping too much, or
smoking cigarettes or anything of that sort where people don't
want to face the pain, and so they hide behind
(05:30):
a defense mechanism which on some level protects you temporarily. However,
on a bigger level, it locks you into a kind
of a psychological prison that you then have a hard
time getting out of and free from. So if you
find yourself in panel five and there is no progress,
(05:53):
then that is your way of attempting to protect yourself. However,
it's not really protection because it's stagnation, which ties back
to the theme futility. So actually defense mechanisms are a
form of futility if you look at it that way. Now,
(06:16):
when we have had enough of our futility, when our
life is going nowhere, literally so when we are just
lost and unproductive and stagnant, and that doesn't work, sometimes
what happens to our life is that we break down,
and when we break down, we often times have an
(06:40):
opportunity I call it the curse by design, which is
an opportunity to break down and utilize it as a breakthrough.
What does it take to utilize something as a breakthrough
after breakdown? I think is desire, motivation, and wisdom. So
(07:03):
how do you take something that has basically toppled you
over and turned it into something good? I think some thoughts,
some desire, a lot of wisdom, and some sort of
a desire to make a difference in your own life
(07:23):
and in the lives of other people. So breakdowns are
really opportunities for breakthroughs, which are the opposite of futility.
So when you're feudal, it's sort of like that merry
go round or the rat going round and round and
round in the maze and nothing happened. So let's think
(07:46):
of examples of futility. Well, for one, signing up for
programs that are not going to get you anywhere. For example,
you sign up for a class, or you sign up
for some medical advice, or you sign up for some
(08:07):
kind of any kind of program, and you have a
lot of optimism about it, and at the end of
the journey, you've learned nothing, no wisdom, no paradigm shifts,
no change, no change. So you've just been through this
huge exercise of futility. Now that could be obviously very
(08:34):
frustrating because you've put your hopes into it, you put
your dreams into it, you have projected optimism into whatever
process that you've been rolled yourself into, and then nothing
at all. I oftentimes refer to talk therapy psychotherapy which
(08:55):
just involves talking and no real system as a feudal process.
In some cases, it's some sort of a relief for
people just to vent or to air their thoughts. But
a lot of times people want to gain something out
of a process, and so you have to understand what
(09:18):
is the structure of the process, what's the intention of
what you're embarking on, and you want to know all
of that before you put your interests and your energy. Now. Obviously,
a big area of futility that people come up against
(09:39):
is the futility of relationships which are all around you.
So investing in a friendship, investing in a new relationship
that you think is going to be something of value
for you long term, because it's stupid to invest in
something that has a you know, short shelf life unless
(10:02):
you like that kind of thing, a lot of changes
and destabilizing your life. I don't personally like it, but
some of you might like a lot of change. So
how do you know that you're not investing in a
feudal relationship? Well, that ties to part two of my title,
which is the narcissistic system. So being that I specialize
(10:26):
in narcissism, one of the major aspects of futility is
signing up to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
And that is going to be a very futile endeavor.
It's going to be worse than a futile endeavor because
at least a feudial endeavor doesn't leave you gutted, or
(10:51):
it could, I suppose. But in the hopes and dreams
of having a long term outcome with somebody that you
might not even know as a narcissist, you you sure
put a lot of hope into it. You sure project
a lot of future wonderful outcomes, and maybe time, money,
(11:17):
sexual attraction, introducing this person to your family, time and
invested in helping them problem solve or being there when
they're down and so on, and maybe you might get
a little bit of that back. However, formulaically it's very
(11:39):
one sided. So who's who's who's putting in is you,
and who's getting out of it is mostly the other person.
And the problem usually lies in the fact that you're
putting in in order to build something in in the relationship,
(11:59):
and they're in to gain favors, more and more favors
called love bombing from you. And then you think that,
you know, like tied to the last episode I did
on the Carrot, the narcissistic Carot, Well, that's a form
of futility because you keep working so hard for these
(12:20):
people and nothing comes of it because their intention is different.
So let's go back to panel one for a moment.
And by the way, for those of you who have
not yet read my book, Be the Cause Healing Human Disconnect.
It is available on Amazon in paperback, and if you
(12:43):
really really want a PDF of it, you can ask
ask for one and it'll be sent to you. And
I think everybody should read it because it's the outline
of the mind map system and it'll give you a
kind of like what you see in me in the
(13:03):
book cover connect the dots pathway. So if you look
at the narcissistic system. You can see that in panel one.
The wound, i'll just call it a kind of a
new wound that I don't really refer too much, the
wound of futility. How does that begin? Well, begins with
(13:29):
a narcissistic parent and you're trying to please and please
and please, and what happens is that you end up
enslaving yourself to their agenda, to their hobbies, to their philosophies,
to their anything. So I don't know if any of
(13:52):
you have been a maid to your parents or some
sort of a servant, or mommy's little helper or daddy's
little little helper. You know, some of that is great,
because we're supposed to be responsible in the family. We're
supposed to contribute. It's just that there comes a point
where it's not really balanced, and you might actually feel
(14:16):
like you're being used as opposed to a contribution to
the family. So when that happens, what's stolen from you
is a sense of purpose and accomplishment. So in the
short run, you think that you have purpose and accomplishment
because they might give you a little pat on the
(14:37):
head saying good job. However, the meaningfulness of it is
never really rewarded because the meaningfulness is eaten up by
the parents. It's meaningful for them, but not quite for you.
So one of the things about panel one that I
(14:59):
talk about in my book is that consciousness, the state
of your consciousness is causal. So if you're in a
consciousness of taking, it's gonna yield one type of result,
usually a feudal result for the other person. And if
you're in the consciousness of only giving, then you're going
(15:20):
to be a people pleaser and you're gonna be serving.
You're a narcissistic parent or a narcissistic next person in
your life. I see there's a question, so please go ahead.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
Yes, this question is every time I try to get
help from myself, something horrific happens. I let my guard
down from the person telling me to let my guard down,
and they ripped my heart out every time makes it
hard to heal. Often I leave professional people that tried
to help me more messed up than when I came
to them because they misused and abused the power they
(15:55):
had over me. How do I fix that?
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Wow, that's a harsh one. Okay, So it's happening even
with professional people that you entrust your mental health with.
Is that when I'm getting out of it, I think, Tony, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
That's what it looks like.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah yeah. And also in personal relationships. Okay, So being
that I'm really a detailed examiner of the cause or
the blueprint behind this, I would I wish you would
call because I'd like to ask you what your wounds
(16:32):
of childhood were like and if you were used, abused
and broken trust with your parents, if you felt that
you were the people pleaser and they were the people
taking from you, then you're probably doing what I call
a what the freud or repeat pattern of your past.
(16:52):
So how do we avoid futility? I believe that things
are earned, So if you start with a professional this
has happened, has actually happened to me recently, where I
dumped a lot of a lot of belief into a
professional and put a lot of money into something that
I thought was going to be very helpful, and I
(17:15):
came out the other and really angry at their manners
and their treatment of me, and really really angry at
the fact that I don't really feel all that much better,
you know, after all the time and investment and really
angry about the lack of care and follow up. Well,
you think that i'd know better, But based on the
(17:36):
fact that they seem to have a lot of good credentials,
I thought, well, you know, maybe it's not important how
their bedside manner is, but you know what, it is
important because I should have remembered that if they're showing
up in an uncaring manner, then ultimately they are not healers.
(17:57):
So in terms of working with pets, you know, proceed
with caution. And I always ask people to have a
consultation with the person before they sign on. And this
is the opportunity to make sure that your treatment is
not feudle, that there's an actual plan, and that you
(18:18):
are heard and understood, and that the budget feeds fits
your budget, and that you and the person that you're
about to sign up with feels like a good fit,
and that even though that person might be challenging to you,
there's the right way to challenge somebody in a wrong
way to challenge, and obviously the wrong way to challenge
(18:40):
is to demean, devalue, destroy, ignore them. That's not the
right way. And so if that was your blueprint, if
you had a childhood of being ignored and demeaned and devalued.
And if you have a core belief that you don't
really matter, it's not uncommon that you're going to keep
(19:02):
signing up for people that are going to reinforce your
your negative core belief. And if you'd like to continue
the conversation, please do call in so that I can
be more specific about this. But it's a nasty feeling,
isn't it when you put your hands into the trust
(19:23):
of a professional and they don't pan out the way
that you imagined. Also, I want to make sure that
you all understand the concept of positive projection. So what
is positive projection? When you go to a professional, whether
(19:47):
it be a psychologist or an MD, or a healer
or whoever that might be, or maybe it's a life
coach or somebody of that sort, and they talk a
good aim and so you project on them all kinds
of positive qualities that you see their diplomas hanging on
(20:09):
the wall and you get a sense that they're educated people.
But yet there's something missing there, which usually is that
they just don't really care. That they're going to put
minimal effort into maximal results, which means that they're going
to put minimal treatment and get maximal dollars out of you,
(20:33):
and usually it's not a fair exchange. No problem with
getting your money's worth, even if you have to pay
for it. However, there is a problem when you have
your money invested in somebody and they don't give you
they're everything. So please make sure that your expectations of
(20:57):
the professional are upperly questioned and discussed so that you
can be on the same page, because you can't be
expecting something that they actually can't deliver. So you want
to ask a lot of questions. You want to have
(21:18):
them specifically tailor their conversation to what you can expect.
When people come in to see me, they say, well,
what can I expect out of this? And my answer
to that is you could expect to see where your
childhood wounds emanate from how you react to them, what
kind of horrible horror beliefs you believed in that turned
(21:40):
into lies that ruined your life, and how to dismantle
these lies so that you can be freed from the
what the Freud system follow up question? Sure, go ahead,
I'd rather talk to you, but okay, we'll talk this way.
It's fine, all.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Right, This person actually let us know that they're not
able to call, but they're being very active in the chat.
So they asked, because I was abused, I manifest people
that abused me.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yes, yes, yeah, And that was where I was going
with this conversation. I'm not surprised. So in your case,
please you know, it costs you really nothing to get
my book. It's zero money. You just request it. If
you want to get the video Healing from Narcissistic Abuse,
I think it's a really good investment. You can find
(22:32):
it on my website, Psychological Healingcenter dot com. It's a
journey inward and you can take it without spending money
on a therapist if you're not having a very strong
income right now. And the main gist of it is
(22:52):
that you've got to unravel the pattern because you're going
to repeat it with everybody. You're going to sign up
with professionals that are going to use you and milk you.
You're going to sign up for relationships that are going
to use you and milk you. And that is really
the definition of futility, isn't it. One of the reasons
(23:17):
I do what I do is because I love to
have meaning in my life. And if I don't have
meaning in my life, I myself feel futile. Okay. So
if I were, for example, working at a job that
didn't help me express my meaning, I would just feel
(23:40):
like a cog in the wheel, which is okay if
it brings home a paycheck and feeds my family and
serves me to a certain degree. But if I'm looking
for a vocation that's going to nourish me and not
be feutile, because it's something that obviously, so you do
(24:00):
every day of your life. You want to if you
can keep your day job if you need it, and
then create something that's your passion that you can integrate
into your goals and your sense of meaning and then
find your own light to make yourself in the world
(24:22):
a better place. That would be the opposite of futility.
So for those of you who are involved in feudal relationships,
feudal programs, feudal jobs, feudal anything, please look to your
wounds of childhood and ask yourself, did my parents reward
(24:47):
and nourish me for who I am? Or did they
milk me dry because of what they needed from me?
So you could see one is coming from the consciousness
of sharing, caring, and wanting to develop your children, and
the others coming from the consciousness of leading your children
(25:07):
dry of their ideas, their resources, their services, and so on.
Reminding me of a patient I had many many years ago,
who was such a brilliant person and so well put together,
with a beautiful family and a beautiful career, and yet
(25:28):
his core belief is that he was worthless and he
was better off dead. I might have used him as
an example before, and it was astounding to me because
truly he was super educated, very good looking, and great
physical shape, had a wonderful wife and a little daughter,
(25:48):
and it was amazing that that person had this hidden,
very negative, suicidal corebal life leave that made him feel
absolutely worthless. And so in exploring this, we looked at
his life and the patterns. And it's not like anybody
(26:12):
used to hit him or name called him or anything,
but really it bloiled down to he was a human
doing so he got no reinforcement, no nourishment for him
being a human being, a child, a baby. It was
(26:34):
all about tasks. Mow the lawn, clean the house, take
out the garbage, do this, do that. So he was
a human doing and unless he was doing and performing,
he felt like a nothing or nobody, and if he
failed the doings and the performances, of course he felt
(26:56):
extremely worthless and suicidal. Anyway, we have to untangle that
entire mess and bring him back to a sense of
meaning and being and worthwhileness. And this is such a
very very important topic. We cannot live life in a
(27:19):
feudal manner. Sometimes we do things that are futile, like
certainly I play on my computer, pretty futile and mindless.
I think we all go into mindless states every now
and then, or just do things that are not particularly productive.
But if that's all you do, it's going to really
(27:43):
bring on a great sense of heaviness and depression and
worthlessness and futility. And when life starts lacking meaning, then
we don't get up in the morning. We have no
more desire. And one of the most important things that
we can have in life is a sense of desire,
(28:06):
because desire is what is sparking us to get up
in the morning, is sparking us to manifest our ideas.
It's sparking us to take care of people that we love.
It's sparking us to get together with people that we love.
It's sparking creativity. It's the main ingredient in being the cause.
(28:32):
We have to have some kind of desire. So if
we don't have desire and we have futility, it's just
nothing and no man's land, and nothing comes out of
this kind of infertile soil. So to speak, any questions
(28:54):
in the chat rumor any concepts that you want to
delve into deeper, we want to call in and we
can discuss this further. So let's go back to panel
one and look at the darkness overshadowing our light. So
our light is metaphor for desire, for self expression, and
(29:17):
the darkness is shadowing over our light. And as much
as we struggle, the joy is taken away from us,
the motivation is taken away from us or snuffed out.
Everything is trying to get snuffed out. Our light is
trying to get snuffed out, and so when we're in
(29:39):
that state, we feel feutile. So there was a book
written as a result of a psychiatrist's experience during the Holocaust,
and his name was Victor Frankel, and he wrote a
book called Man Search for Meaning. Can you imagine being
(30:00):
in the Holocaust? And you have no power, and everybody
around you is being gased to death, shocked to death,
dying of diseases. You don't know if you're going to
be next, and that is your existence. And so what
he started doing was search or meaning. So how he
(30:22):
did that was I'm not sure exactly how he did that,
but he had this idea that the circumstances around him
were not going to rule his world, but he was
going to make meaning of his life, whatever it was,
(30:44):
and through a desire for this meaning, he had the
will to live. And the meaning might have been as
simple as helping somebody stay warm, and as a result
of that, helping somebody stay warm while everybody else was freezing,
he stayed warm. Also, it might have been a very
(31:05):
simple thing like helping somebody in the camps deal with
their psychological freak out and distress and trauma. So a
lot of times I personally feel that when I put
myself in situations where I can be meaning full to
(31:25):
other people, I derive a lot of meaning for myself
and so it lights up my light, so to speak.
So what's a reaction I'm onto panel two, Now, what's
the reaction to futility? Meaninglessness cracks us up. You could
(31:47):
see panel two, all the broken and shattered glass. So
if we don't feel like we matter, if we don't
feel significant, we crack up, and instead of integrating, we
shatter and our psyche shatters and there's no focal point.
(32:09):
It cracks our lens of perception, the way we see
the world, and even to the point where we have
false hope, hope that like what you brought up earlier,
hope that people can help us. But they can, but
the wrong people will be futile. Okay, so if you've
been in a feudal system, you're probably signing up for
(32:34):
feudal systems. That must be the most horrific punishment to
be in a feudal situation. And so when, for example,
one of the most cruel punishments in the prison system
is solitary confinement, and in solitary confinement, you know that
(32:56):
there's no interaction with other human beings, and we're built
to be interconnected, and so when there's no interconnection, there's
no sense of purpose and meaning, and then we start
slowly dying on the vine. We start shutting down our creativity,
(33:21):
we start shutting down our desire, We go inward, We
go into dark places in our mind that shut out everybody.
And even if we get out of these perfect situations,
we're traumatized by them, and it takes a long time
to reconnect to society, to humans and have a spark
(33:46):
of hope and the spark of desire and meaning. And
so you can see how quickly futility can overtake us.
Any other thoughts or questions in the chat room about
futility and really how it is such a bleak state
(34:08):
to be in, to be in a feudal.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
State, we do have another question. The question is an
individual tells another individual that something only means something to
you because you have nothing and no one. When someone
says that to me, what doesn't mean? What are their intentions?
Is it helpful?
Speaker 2 (34:30):
If somebody says to you that they have nothing and
no one and you're the only one in their life like.
Speaker 3 (34:36):
That, it looks more like a belittling statement, like a
bullying statement, Like somebody tells you that something in your
life only means something to you because you have nothing
and no buddy else, so like a threat like.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
They better be somebody to you, kind of like a manipulation.
I guess I'm not getting the sure. Yes, yes, so
they're manipulating you to they're putting a lot on you. Yeah,
(35:17):
so that they so they can derive meaning from your existence. Yes, yes, okay,
so I would say that, wouldn't you say? That's pretty manipulative.
That's a lot of pressure on one single person, Isn't
it like you better give me meaning, you better be
(35:39):
a person that I live for, or you better you better?
There's a you better behind it, isn't there?
Speaker 4 (35:49):
Yes? There is?
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Yeah, okay, so that that's kind of like a hostage
situation to me. You know, so you don't want to
entangle with yourself with a person that doesn't demand that
you bring something to the table. So that's sort of
a little description of narcissism, right there. Isn't it that
(36:14):
you better bring it or else I'm not going to
be happy? But you know, flip it around, what is
the other person bringing to the relationship Because relationships are
meant to be synergistic. Of course, sometimes one person is
very very down and out and the other person is
there to pick them up, But in general there's a
(36:37):
give and take. So if somebody's not doing well, the
other one kicks in, and then sometimes the other one
is not doing well and the other partner kicks in.
But generally, what is generative, which is again the opposite
of futility, is one feeding the other. They're both feeding
(36:59):
each other. The pressures just on one to give them meaning.
And you better, you better make me feel good, you
better be there for me. It's just a one sided
vampire vampiring relationship.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
We actually got some clarification on that question. This individual says, no,
it's a hurtful statement saying that you have nothing and
no one. So when I take you out for lunch,
it means more to you than it does to me.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
Oh my goodness, I wouldn't give that person the time
of day. Really, that's a demean value destroy That means
that if you go out for lunch, you're basically their bitch,
right like you're supposed to kiss, kiss their hand for
even taking a low life like you out. I mean,
(37:49):
so part of you know, part of what I try
to tell people is that your participation in this is
half the problem, or maybe the full problem. So if
you find that people are treating you like this, you've
got to turn to yourself and ask yourself how am
I being causal? So if you accept such an invitation,
(38:12):
what exactly are you doing here? Okay, you're you're basically saying,
it's okay if you demean, devalue, and destroy me. It's
okay if you think of me as this poor, little,
I don't know, decrepit person that's so needy, and you're
(38:33):
gonna you're you're, you're such a big person, is to
waste your time on me to give me a better
moment or meal, Like, aren't you aren't you know? The
statement is, aren't you lucky to have me in your life?
What a horrible system?
Speaker 4 (38:49):
That is?
Speaker 2 (38:50):
What a what? It's just not a good not a
good situation. So what you want to do is get
away from that, build yourself up so that you feel
like you're something to yourself and enough to share, so
that people engage with you because they're getting value out
(39:12):
of you, and you're getting value out of them, and
there's something that's growth producing. Because this is a feudal situation,
you're supposed to be the downtrodden and appreciative of the
charitable person that's giving you the lunch, buying you the lunch,
(39:35):
giving you the attention, Now, if you want to do
charity to people who are lonely, that's a different story.
But you don't go in there telling them that aren't
you lucky that I'm here to spend time with you?
Aren't you lucky that I'm you know, a worthless person
like you is going to take some of my attention,
(39:56):
and that I'm going to spend money on you for lunch.
I mean, it's so degrading. Can you hear the degrading
quality to this dynamics? You could just put a yes
or no in a chat room since we're chatting it
up in the chat room.
Speaker 3 (40:16):
They said yes they can, and they also said thank you.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
So you're welcome. And so the do the right thing
thing to do here is you give yourself meaning and
you don't sign up for people that make you feel
meaningless because just the way you described it, ugh how pathetic.
Like I would never go out with a person that
talked to me like that, even if I were starving.
(40:42):
I'd rather just sit home and make myself some food
and sit there alone. Because you know, there's a point
at which you might be so lonely or hungry or
whatever you're hungry for. But if you allow yourself to
be quote fed by somebody who is demeaning and devaluing
and destroying you. Not only are you going to feel worse,
(41:09):
you're going to feel like all of your core beliefs
are being activated. Especially you're not good enough, you're not lovable,
you're not meaningful, you're not important. So you know, you
might get a belly full of food, but you're going
to also get a head full of horrible activations of
(41:29):
core beliefs that are going to shatter you and then
leave you in chaos. You'll probably end up leaving that
lunch feeling like you've got to do something to defend yourself,
and you might go home and just shut down and
go to sleep, or eat more potato chips, or drink
(41:51):
alcohol or smoke more cigarettes or something. So do you
see how this doesn't really serve you. You might be served
for a moment, but you've got to also own your
own reasons why you're engaging with such a person. Is
it really worth the lunch? Is it really worth the
two seconds of attention or quality attention, demeaning attention that
(42:18):
this person gives you, And if you were to source
it back to the cause, is that how your parents
treated you, did they make you feel like you should
be lucky to even be in their company, You should
be lucky to even get a little bit of their attention.
You should feel lucky, meaning that you're not meaningful, okay,
(42:41):
and not significant to them. So I think I should
put more emphasis on the people that feel like victims
of these situations and help them to remember that they're
victims because they're participate pins in the system. How's that
(43:03):
to hold you responsible? Because ultimately we're responsible for ourselves.
And if we're crying about how people screw us over
or treat us like dirt or anything, you know, we've
got to look at our participation in this, and even
(43:24):
more importantly, we have to look at the blueprint of
how we were raised and wounded to know why we
sign up for these kinds of narcissistically horrible deals because
that's what they are, and they are futile because there's
nothing good that generates. There's no light in that lunch,
(43:48):
there's no light in that friendship. It's only you instead
of getting I did a show on this called Filment
Versus Fulfillment. You guys should watch that one. You know
you might feel full from the lunch, but you're not
going to feel fulfilled because that person is there to
step on you and make you feel worse. And that's
(44:11):
what narcissists do. They step on you, make you feel worse,
make you feel beholden to them in order to feel better.
And this is not a synergistic relationship. This is a
one upsmanship relationship. So when we talk about what is
a more healthy relationship, let's go to panel number seven,
(44:34):
which is what I use as my logo. So go
to seven and you'll see a bunch of bubbles and
sorry sneeze coming and not coming out. Okay, So those
bubbles are meant to be a model for a synergy.
So it's a model of one plus one is greater
(44:59):
than too, not less than you. So if you walk
in there down trodden, victimy and sad, depressed, hungry, tired, lonely,
and then you get with a person that's going to
use you to make themselves feel better, that would that
would be the vampiring effect. If you're with somebody that
(45:23):
is truly there to be a friend, to be a partner,
to hold you responsible. Sometimes people think friendships are people
who just pat you on the back and make you
feel better and buy you lunch and listen to your
soft stories and let you go on and on with meaninglessness.
A true friend is going to confront you and say,
(45:45):
wait a minute, you're way out of line. That's not okay.
You know, I could see why your life is this
way because you're not investing in your health. So you're
not investing in your spirit growth, or you're not investing
in your psychological growth. I think good friends are truth tellers,
(46:08):
and I think at the core of this process of
the mind map that light represents the truth. And when
you tell the truth, even if it doesn't sound pretty
or kind, the truth really will shine light. You need
(46:30):
to know the truth, and true friends say the truth.
Hopefully they say it in a way that's digestible enough.
And I created what's called a peaceful Healing Dialogue, which
is in my book. You can also get it off
my website Psychological Healingcenter dot com. And we have a caller,
(46:52):
so thank you so much for calling in. We have
a few minutes to talk. Hi. Hi, why are you
able to hear me properly? I am?
Speaker 4 (47:06):
Are you able to hear me properly?
Speaker 2 (47:08):
Yeah? Thank you so much for calling in and what
what inspired you to to make the call.
Speaker 4 (47:17):
Well, I used to tune into this regularly, and then
I drifted away for a while and it popped up
and I listened to you talk about the verbal way
that this is this happens, But I was wondering about
the nonverbal way of expressing the same lack of interest
(47:43):
value connection by silence and by little things like not
being interested in the in you, not that you need interest,
but as a couple, being unable to devel of anything together,
a shared likeness to grow in together. Giving a gift,
(48:07):
for example, a birthday gift, and when you say you
don't like the color, typically exchange it for the one
you want. They never will exchange it. They just you
never get the gifts. So these kinds of little things
when you say you want to you need help, you
want to do something and you need help, and they
say that's a great idea, yeah yeah, but then they
(48:28):
will never they never fallow through and help not recognizing
when you're going through something extremely difficult emotionally, simply ignoring
your experience and as you have it alongside them. This
seems to be some of the same sort of thing
but a different delivery of the message.
Speaker 5 (48:49):
Right wrong, Yeah, yeah, you're right, because when somebody marginalizes you,
then you feel so important, which is that you feel
futile to them, like you don't matter, right yeah, And
so part of a relationship is giving importance to the person.
Speaker 2 (49:08):
And we're all guilty of being on our cell phone.
Speaker 6 (49:11):
When we're in.
Speaker 2 (49:14):
A social setting where we should really just be to
eye contact. You know, we're losing it. E to eyes,
skin to skin, the stuff that babies need, we need mirroring, tutment,
you're talking about non mirroring. You get a present, that's nice, right,
But then you say I don't like the color, which
(49:35):
is the truth. And then the person, if they're going
to pick up on your queue, will say, you know,
no big deal, let me go back and see if
they have it in other colors. Or if they don't
feel like going back, they could say, look, I bought
it at such and such store. Why don't you see
if they have it in another color, and we'll just
(49:56):
do an exchange. There's got to be some sort of
a ciprocity, not just like sorry, wrong color okay, or
sorry don't have time for you. You know, there's a couple,
John and Julie Gottman. They are very famous couple's therapists
(50:18):
who have treated literally, I don't know, thousands and thousands
of couples, and they have a concept called bidding, and
bidding is when one person seeks the attention of the
other and then the other person just drops the ball. Okay,
so they're not just you know, they're not like playing
(50:41):
tennis back and forth. They're just letting the ball, you know,
bounce and bounce out. And I see this with my dog.
I feel horribly guilty when my dog brings me the
ball and I have to go somewhere and then you know,
I could just look at you know, tears my heart out. Personally,
all throw the ball to her once or twice and
(51:02):
they're like, where you go away?
Speaker 4 (51:04):
And then oh my god, yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:06):
You know so so so there's got to be something
in us that's got to feel bad when we're not
able to bounce the ball. But if you're in a
relationship and there's no response to your bidding, that is
a huge, huge predictor of divorce.
Speaker 4 (51:23):
And yeah, it's as easy.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
Right, doesn't that make sense? So if you say, oh
my god, look at the sunset, and your partner, your husband, wife,
says yeah, whatever, you know. And then and then you're
at a right, and you're at a museum. Oh my god,
look at the colors and the shapes and the fine,
fine artistry of this painting. And the person says, you know,
(51:50):
I'm bored. Let's go right, So, you know, yeah, disconnect.
Speaker 4 (51:55):
I think it's interesting that you made the tennis reference
because in discussing this topic, I had mentioned how it's
kind of like with someone else I had mentioned it's
kind of like playing tennis against the backboard, but not
the backboard is made of velcro, and the tennis ball
just sticks. It never comes back, and so you reference
(52:16):
tennis too. And anyway, I forgot something else, but that
was a good reference. And this other thing is that
in the end, there's no energy exchange, right, It's like
constantly trying to get a wave going and each side,
you know, contributing and passing the energy back and forth
and developing and getting momentum and growing into something. It's
(52:40):
like there's no energy exchange. So one person gets exhausted
constantly trying to get the other to activate, and the
other just looks at the activations drop on the floor
and so the one gets exhausted and eventually hopefully they
get they figure it out. I mean, and you realize
what you're doing to yourself by continuing to throw the
(53:02):
ball to the dog that's never going to bring it back.
They just look at it. Nobody ever taught them that
the ball is from the you chase and bring back.
It's like playing with a cat ball.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
With a cat maybe, and that's the definition of ability
throw the ball and the person just lets the ball
lie there, you know, where you start a conversation and
you know, I have some pet peeve statements. I hate
people who say whatever. Like I might say something and
they'll say whatever, and that's just such an offensive statement
(53:35):
to me, just you know, sort of like like chalk
on a black No, it's it's it's an a blow off.
It's just you know, like, okay.
Speaker 4 (53:46):
Well, I don't know. Is that the ultimate blowoff? Or
is it when they pretend they sane in person go
oh yeah, and then they don't. There's no pickup of
the conversation, almost like I'm pointed, I'm purposely doing this,
Like do you see that I'm not doing it? I
(54:07):
don't know, there's something about the fake response that leads
to nothing rather than the blowoffs. At least the blowoff
is honest. So whatever, you're like, Okay, I get the point.
But when they fake it that they're interested, that then
it just never goes anywhere. That's I think a little
more dark somehow.
Speaker 2 (54:26):
I love that you said that, because you know it's
it's the first one is so obvious, like whatever, but
that one is even more offensive. You're right, because that
you go on and on and on and you think
that they're actually interested, and they're just blowing smoke. They're
just entertaining. You're you saying things to them that they
(54:50):
don't really care about, and that you're right, that's.
Speaker 4 (54:53):
Till you get tired and go away, till you get
tired and leave them to go onto their device or
do whatever else wanted to focus on the whole time.
But they're just tolerating your presence for a while. Like
it's it's the silent version. I think I prefer the
overt I mean one, than the covert version of this
whole thing.
Speaker 2 (55:12):
Mm hmmm. I think I think that's that's a really
great example. And you know, either one makes you feel
sort of futile if you go on and on and
on and you think that you're getting somewhere in the
conversation and it's not generating into anything, and you feel
fooled that they were interested, but they really weren't. That's
a blowoff, no question about it. That that's few again.
(55:38):
You know, this, this topic is about futility. There's so
many forms of futility, feudal conversations, feudial investments in relationship.
The one that I did last week on the narcissistic
Carrot is the futility of being with a narcissist who
makes fake promises. Yeah we'll be merry, Yeah I do
(56:01):
love you, Yeah I'm committed to you, and it's all fake.
Speaker 4 (56:05):
It's just yeah, I'm going to go on that vacation.
We're going to go on that vacation. Yeah, we're going
to take that trip that you know, eventually I'll take
a vacation from working and we'll go do something together
that's meaningful to you. No, those don't happen either, right,
but yeah.
Speaker 2 (56:21):
Just this to say that you will and then not
do it, that's the torture. That's the futility. And so
if you find yourself in relationships like that. Again, I
want to emphasize the participation of the person because they
need to stop reinforcing the system gone wrong. If it's
(56:43):
a narcissistic system, and they keep getting blown off, ignored
or fatally entertained into thinking that they're meaningful and then
finding out that they're really not, it's time to reevaluate
(57:03):
your investment, whether it's an emotional investment, UH, physical investment
in helping UH, financial investment, UH, sexual investment, and investment. Right,
you don't you don't want to invest in dead end,
you don't want to invest in futility. It's a it's
(57:25):
it's it's very exhausting, especially when you spend years and
years of the dangling carrot in front of your nose
and you think, yeah, sure, you know, the personal finally
cave in. And even if they cave in, what kind
of relationship is it that you have to wait eight
years or you know, four years or I don't know,
(57:47):
in order to get somebody to commit to you. That
that's sort of a I don't know, red flag to me.
Speaker 4 (57:56):
Yeah yeah, and your mind that system very when I
last I'm sure you've developed it since I last thought
a couple of years ago, but it was extremely helpful
for helping those people that are from a system that
creates the person that's going to be engaged in their
(58:17):
cycles and you know, so figuring out how your own
wounds end up playing out in these in these relationships
and these different business personal whatever it is, always that
was very helpful.
Speaker 2 (58:36):
Go to the blueprint and connect the dots and then
you'll see a big picture of why you're engaged in
the system gone wrong. And once you get it and
you can own the fact that you're trying to do
what the freud or repeat of your past, then you
could say no thanks, because the wt app is the
(58:58):
meaning of true futility. You just go around and around
and nothing, nothing is generating out of it. It's just
the same old, same old, getting you nowhere.
Speaker 4 (59:11):
Doctor Judy. Have you heard of cold therapy? No, you
get you get re exposed to the trauma that you had,
but at this time it's in the safe environment and
you process it with someone so that you it's something
for some personality disorders that I've read about. I just
(59:35):
wondered if sometimes I wonder if we're doing that to
ourselves by getting ourselves into these relationships or just trying
to work it out. You know, eventually the pain becomes
so great that we will reach for help, But how
many times we have to go through the relationship or
how long do we stay before we get there?
Speaker 2 (59:53):
So that that's a great way cold therapy, that's a
nice description, because it's cold, right, it doesn't really generate.
So could therapy is something that the way you describe
it is included in the mind map process. Because in
the mind map process, we have what I call truth
conversations where we replay the trauma and the person I
(01:00:18):
get to be the person that is actively involved in
the conversation of the woundings, and then the person can
actually push back and express all the repressed anger and
hurt and resentment. So I think it's okaypical point in
(01:00:39):
my therapy for sure. Oh cool, Yeah, it really is.
It's a very important it's panel six actually break down, breakthrough.
And so why it doesn't work with other relationships is
because they're not doing it to be therapeutic. They're just
doing it to reinjure you. Okay, and I see we're
(01:01:00):
totally out, but I really appreciate your college make awesome
points and I want to just reiterate to everybody, whatever
is happening to you, if you don't like it, and
if it doesn't feel sane and safe and progressive, then
don't be victim. Get out. Yeah yeah, thank you so
(01:01:23):
much for calling in, and thank you everyone for listening.
Speaker 4 (01:01:27):
Good night, everybody, thanks for doing these shows. Faithfully, Doctor Judy.
Speaker 6 (01:01:31):
You're very welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:02:00):
In del cotub It discarded protest doubd it discoed
H hello everyone, and thanks for you, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Can join again, Doctor Judy here, Doctor Judy. W T F.
What the freud? What the fraud? Are we doing repeating
things all the time. We don't seem to get off
of the the merry go round? And so the system
that I created, the mind maps, is really a pathway
(01:03):
to get off the merry go round of psycho pathology.
And tonight we're going to talk about the effects of
futility on the psyche and the narcissistic system gone wrong.
And why I chose this topic is because you know,
the universe always tells you what to talk about, or
at least I try to tune into what would be
(01:26):
a good topic. And I notice a lot of futility
happening in my life, futally signing up for programs that
I don't really benefit from, or feutally waiting for people
who don't show up, or putting effort into things that
don't blossom, and it gets kind of frustrating. So let's
(01:47):
start this off with the story of Sisyphus, who was
a Greek mythological figure, and what he did was he
rolled this huge boulder up the hill. However, every time
he rolled it up the hill, it would slide back
a little bit and he would not progress at all.
And this is the metaphor that I'm using tonight to
(02:09):
describe the effects of futility on the psycheek. Can you
imagine spending your whole life just trying to push this
boulder up the hill, only to have it rolled back
at you. And this is a theme that permeates our
cultural metaphors as well. For example, Pharaoh, the story of
(02:31):
Passover which is coming up, where the Jews had to
carry pyramids, stones, building, and they built for the Egyptians,
of course, and it was futile for them because they
didn't get anything out of it, and they just kept
building and building for not themselves basically. So why I
(02:52):
tie it to the narcissistic system is because when you
build for a narcissist, you're really building for them, and
you're left out of the formula because you are at
their service. So this is a call and show everyone.
Please feel free to call in and that number is
three two three five two four two five nine nine,
(03:17):
and I welcome calls, and I'm just telling you heads
up that if you're off topic, I'm going to ask
you to get off the call, because the purpose of
the show is for it to be points made around
the topic that I select, and not just a venting
session for you to call in and air your your
(03:39):
life story. That really doesn't serve the audience. And I'm
here to serve the audience and not just one single person.
So with that said, I do love for you to
call in, and please do and we could talk about futility.
So let's start with a mind map and childhood injury.
(04:00):
And one of the things I think I don't talk
enough about is the wound of futility where the child
does things, that does things and doesn't really get anything
out of it, sort of like the maid of the
parent for example. So if you look at the mind map,
it's laid out in three rows, wounds of childhood, how
(04:24):
we react, what we encode in our psyche about the
wounds of childhood, and then how that gets tripped up
kind of like a lever and then takes us down
into chaos, which is everything unraveling and everything sort of
(04:45):
going wrong, and a lot of darkness, a lot of confusion,
not feeling that you have much direction in life. You
could see the little people flying off into the ozone
and really no structure. And then what do we do
when we are in chaos is we defend ourselves. So
(05:06):
in panel five you can see little bubbles of defense mechanisms,
and these bubbles represent all kinds of defense mechanism like
shutting down or doing drugs or sleeping too much, or
smoking cigarettes or anything of that sort where people don't
want to face the pain, and so they hide behind
(05:30):
a defense mechanism which on some level protects you temporarily. However,
on a bigger level, it locks you into a kind
of a psychological prison that you then have a hard
time getting out of and free from. So if you
find yourself in panel five and there is no progress,
(05:53):
then that is your way of attempting to protect yourself. However,
it's not really protection because it's stagnation, which ties back
to the theme futility. So actually defense mechanisms are a
form of futility if you look at it that way. Now,
(06:16):
when we have had enough of our futility, when our
life is going nowhere, literally so when we are just
lost and unproductive and stagnant, and that doesn't work, sometimes
what happens to our life is that we break down,
and when we break down, we often times have an
(06:40):
opportunity I call it the curse by design, which is
an opportunity to break down and utilize it as a breakthrough.
What does it take to utilize something as a breakthrough
after breakdown? I think is desire, motivation, and wisdom. So
(07:03):
how do you take something that has basically toppled you
over and turned it into something good? I think some thoughts,
some desire, a lot of wisdom, and some sort of
a desire to make a difference in your own life
(07:23):
and in the lives of other people. So breakdowns are
really opportunities for breakthroughs, which are the opposite of futility.
So when you're feudal, it's sort of like that merry
go round or the rat going round and round and
round in the maze and nothing happened. So let's think
(07:46):
of examples of futility. Well, for one, signing up for
programs that are not going to get you anywhere. For example,
you sign up for a class, or you sign up
for some medical advice, or you sign up for some
(08:07):
kind of any kind of program, and you have a
lot of optimism about it, and at the end of
the journey, you've learned nothing, no wisdom, no paradigm shifts,
no change, no change. So you've just been through this
huge exercise of futility. Now that could be obviously very
(08:34):
frustrating because you've put your hopes into it, you put
your dreams into it, you have projected optimism into whatever
process that you've been rolled yourself into, and then nothing
at all. I oftentimes refer to talk therapy psychotherapy which
(08:55):
just involves talking and no real system as a feudal process.
In some cases, it's some sort of a relief for
people just to vent or to air their thoughts. But
a lot of times people want to gain something out
of a process, and so you have to understand what
(09:18):
is the structure of the process, what's the intention of
what you're embarking on, and you want to know all
of that before you put your interests and your energy. Now. Obviously,
a big area of futility that people come up against
(09:39):
is the futility of relationships which are all around you.
So investing in a friendship, investing in a new relationship
that you think is going to be something of value
for you long term, because it's stupid to invest in
something that has a you know, short shelf life unless
(10:02):
you like that kind of thing, a lot of changes
and destabilizing your life. I don't personally like it, but
some of you might like a lot of change. So
how do you know that you're not investing in a
feudal relationship? Well, that ties to part two of my title,
which is the narcissistic system. So being that I specialize
(10:26):
in narcissism, one of the major aspects of futility is
signing up to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
And that is going to be a very futile endeavor.
It's going to be worse than a futile endeavor because
at least a feudial endeavor doesn't leave you gutted, or
(10:51):
it could, I suppose. But in the hopes and dreams
of having a long term outcome with somebody that you
might not even know as a narcissist, you you sure
put a lot of hope into it. You sure project
a lot of future wonderful outcomes, and maybe time, money,
(11:17):
sexual attraction, introducing this person to your family, time and
invested in helping them problem solve or being there when
they're down and so on, and maybe you might get
a little bit of that back. However, formulaically it's very
(11:39):
one sided. So who's who's who's putting in is you,
and who's getting out of it is mostly the other person.
And the problem usually lies in the fact that you're
putting in in order to build something in in the relationship,
(11:59):
and they're in to gain favors, more and more favors
called love bombing from you. And then you think that,
you know, like tied to the last episode I did
on the Carrot, the narcissistic Carot, Well, that's a form
of futility because you keep working so hard for these
(12:20):
people and nothing comes of it because their intention is different.
So let's go back to panel one for a moment.
And by the way, for those of you who have
not yet read my book, Be the Cause Healing Human Disconnect.
It is available on Amazon in paperback, and if you
(12:43):
really really want a PDF of it, you can ask
ask for one and it'll be sent to you. And
I think everybody should read it because it's the outline
of the mind map system and it'll give you a
kind of like what you see in me in the
(13:03):
book cover connect the dots pathway. So if you look
at the narcissistic system. You can see that in panel one.
The wound, i'll just call it a kind of a
new wound that I don't really refer too much, the
wound of futility. How does that begin? Well, begins with
(13:29):
a narcissistic parent and you're trying to please and please
and please, and what happens is that you end up
enslaving yourself to their agenda, to their hobbies, to their philosophies,
to their anything. So I don't know if any of
(13:52):
you have been a maid to your parents or some
sort of a servant, or mommy's little helper or daddy's
little little helper. You know, some of that is great,
because we're supposed to be responsible in the family. We're
supposed to contribute. It's just that there comes a point
where it's not really balanced, and you might actually feel
(14:16):
like you're being used as opposed to a contribution to
the family. So when that happens, what's stolen from you
is a sense of purpose and accomplishment. So in the
short run, you think that you have purpose and accomplishment
because they might give you a little pat on the
(14:37):
head saying good job. However, the meaningfulness of it is
never really rewarded because the meaningfulness is eaten up by
the parents. It's meaningful for them, but not quite for you.
So one of the things about panel one that I
(14:59):
talk about in my book is that consciousness, the state
of your consciousness is causal. So if you're in a
consciousness of taking, it's gonna yield one type of result,
usually a feudal result for the other person. And if
you're in the consciousness of only giving, then you're going
(15:20):
to be a people pleaser and you're gonna be serving.
You're a narcissistic parent or a narcissistic next person in
your life. I see there's a question, so please go ahead.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
Yes, this question is every time I try to get
help from myself, something horrific happens. I let my guard
down from the person telling me to let my guard down,
and they ripped my heart out every time makes it
hard to heal. Often I leave professional people that tried
to help me more messed up than when I came
to them because they misused and abused the power they
(15:55):
had over me. How do I fix that?
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Wow, that's a harsh one. Okay, So it's happening even
with professional people that you entrust your mental health with.
Is that when I'm getting out of it, I think, Tony, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
That's what it looks like.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah yeah. And also in personal relationships. Okay, So being
that I'm really a detailed examiner of the cause or
the blueprint behind this, I would I wish you would
call because I'd like to ask you what your wounds
(16:32):
of childhood were like and if you were used, abused
and broken trust with your parents, if you felt that
you were the people pleaser and they were the people
taking from you, then you're probably doing what I call
a what the freud or repeat pattern of your past.
(16:52):
So how do we avoid futility? I believe that things
are earned, So if you start with a professional this
has happened, has actually happened to me recently, where I
dumped a lot of a lot of belief into a
professional and put a lot of money into something that
I thought was going to be very helpful, and I
(17:15):
came out the other and really angry at their manners
and their treatment of me, and really really angry at
the fact that I don't really feel all that much better,
you know, after all the time and investment and really
angry about the lack of care and follow up. Well,
you think that i'd know better, But based on the
(17:36):
fact that they seem to have a lot of good credentials,
I thought, well, you know, maybe it's not important how
their bedside manner is, but you know what, it is
important because I should have remembered that if they're showing
up in an uncaring manner, then ultimately they are not healers.
(17:57):
So in terms of working with pets, you know, proceed
with caution. And I always ask people to have a
consultation with the person before they sign on. And this
is the opportunity to make sure that your treatment is
not feudle, that there's an actual plan, and that you
(18:18):
are heard and understood, and that the budget feeds fits
your budget, and that you and the person that you're
about to sign up with feels like a good fit,
and that even though that person might be challenging to you,
there's the right way to challenge somebody in a wrong
way to challenge, and obviously the wrong way to challenge
(18:40):
is to demean, devalue, destroy, ignore them. That's not the
right way. And so if that was your blueprint, if
you had a childhood of being ignored and demeaned and devalued.
And if you have a core belief that you don't
really matter, it's not uncommon that you're going to keep
(19:02):
signing up for people that are going to reinforce your
your negative core belief. And if you'd like to continue
the conversation, please do call in so that I can
be more specific about this. But it's a nasty feeling,
isn't it when you put your hands into the trust
(19:23):
of a professional and they don't pan out the way
that you imagined. Also, I want to make sure that
you all understand the concept of positive projection. So what
is positive projection? When you go to a professional, whether
(19:47):
it be a psychologist or an MD, or a healer
or whoever that might be, or maybe it's a life
coach or somebody of that sort, and they talk a
good aim and so you project on them all kinds
of positive qualities that you see their diplomas hanging on
(20:09):
the wall and you get a sense that they're educated people.
But yet there's something missing there, which usually is that
they just don't really care. That they're going to put
minimal effort into maximal results, which means that they're going
to put minimal treatment and get maximal dollars out of you,
(20:33):
and usually it's not a fair exchange. No problem with
getting your money's worth, even if you have to pay
for it. However, there is a problem when you have
your money invested in somebody and they don't give you
they're everything. So please make sure that your expectations of
(20:57):
the professional are upperly questioned and discussed so that you
can be on the same page, because you can't be
expecting something that they actually can't deliver. So you want
to ask a lot of questions. You want to have
(21:18):
them specifically tailor their conversation to what you can expect.
When people come in to see me, they say, well,
what can I expect out of this? And my answer
to that is you could expect to see where your
childhood wounds emanate from how you react to them, what
kind of horrible horror beliefs you believed in that turned
(21:40):
into lies that ruined your life, and how to dismantle
these lies so that you can be freed from the
what the Freud system follow up question? Sure, go ahead,
I'd rather talk to you, but okay, we'll talk this way.
It's fine, all.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Right, This person actually let us know that they're not
able to call, but they're being very active in the chat.
So they asked, because I was abused, I manifest people
that abused me.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yes, yes, yeah, And that was where I was going
with this conversation. I'm not surprised. So in your case,
please you know, it costs you really nothing to get
my book. It's zero money. You just request it. If
you want to get the video Healing from Narcissistic Abuse,
I think it's a really good investment. You can find
(22:32):
it on my website, Psychological Healingcenter dot com. It's a
journey inward and you can take it without spending money
on a therapist if you're not having a very strong
income right now. And the main gist of it is
(22:52):
that you've got to unravel the pattern because you're going
to repeat it with everybody. You're going to sign up
with professionals that are going to use you and milk you.
You're going to sign up for relationships that are going
to use you and milk you. And that is really
the definition of futility, isn't it. One of the reasons
(23:17):
I do what I do is because I love to
have meaning in my life. And if I don't have
meaning in my life, I myself feel futile. Okay. So
if I were, for example, working at a job that
didn't help me express my meaning, I would just feel
(23:40):
like a cog in the wheel, which is okay if
it brings home a paycheck and feeds my family and
serves me to a certain degree. But if I'm looking
for a vocation that's going to nourish me and not
be feutile, because it's something that obviously, so you do
(24:00):
every day of your life. You want to if you
can keep your day job if you need it, and
then create something that's your passion that you can integrate
into your goals and your sense of meaning and then
find your own light to make yourself in the world
(24:22):
a better place. That would be the opposite of futility.
So for those of you who are involved in feudal relationships,
feudal programs, feudal jobs, feudal anything, please look to your
wounds of childhood and ask yourself, did my parents reward
(24:47):
and nourish me for who I am? Or did they
milk me dry because of what they needed from me?
So you could see one is coming from the consciousness
of sharing, caring, and wanting to develop your children, and
the others coming from the consciousness of leading your children
(25:07):
dry of their ideas, their resources, their services, and so on.
Reminding me of a patient I had many many years ago,
who was such a brilliant person and so well put together,
with a beautiful family and a beautiful career, and yet
(25:28):
his core belief is that he was worthless and he
was better off dead. I might have used him as
an example before, and it was astounding to me because
truly he was super educated, very good looking, and great
physical shape, had a wonderful wife and a little daughter,
(25:48):
and it was amazing that that person had this hidden,
very negative, suicidal corebal life leave that made him feel
absolutely worthless. And so in exploring this, we looked at
his life and the patterns. And it's not like anybody
(26:12):
used to hit him or name called him or anything,
but really it bloiled down to he was a human
doing so he got no reinforcement, no nourishment for him
being a human being, a child, a baby. It was
(26:34):
all about tasks. Mow the lawn, clean the house, take
out the garbage, do this, do that. So he was
a human doing and unless he was doing and performing,
he felt like a nothing or nobody, and if he
failed the doings and the performances, of course he felt
(26:56):
extremely worthless and suicidal. Anyway, we have to untangle that
entire mess and bring him back to a sense of
meaning and being and worthwhileness. And this is such a
very very important topic. We cannot live life in a
(27:19):
feudal manner. Sometimes we do things that are futile, like
certainly I play on my computer, pretty futile and mindless.
I think we all go into mindless states every now
and then, or just do things that are not particularly productive.
But if that's all you do, it's going to really
(27:43):
bring on a great sense of heaviness and depression and
worthlessness and futility. And when life starts lacking meaning, then
we don't get up in the morning. We have no
more desire. And one of the most important things that
we can have in life is a sense of desire,
(28:06):
because desire is what is sparking us to get up
in the morning, is sparking us to manifest our ideas.
It's sparking us to take care of people that we love.
It's sparking us to get together with people that we love.
It's sparking creativity. It's the main ingredient in being the cause.
(28:32):
We have to have some kind of desire. So if
we don't have desire and we have futility, it's just
nothing and no man's land, and nothing comes out of
this kind of infertile soil. So to speak, any questions
(28:54):
in the chat rumor any concepts that you want to
delve into deeper, we want to call in and we
can discuss this further. So let's go back to panel
one and look at the darkness overshadowing our light. So
our light is metaphor for desire, for self expression, and
(29:17):
the darkness is shadowing over our light. And as much
as we struggle, the joy is taken away from us,
the motivation is taken away from us or snuffed out.
Everything is trying to get snuffed out. Our light is
trying to get snuffed out, and so when we're in
(29:39):
that state, we feel feutile. So there was a book
written as a result of a psychiatrist's experience during the Holocaust,
and his name was Victor Frankel, and he wrote a
book called Man Search for Meaning. Can you imagine being
(30:00):
in the Holocaust? And you have no power, and everybody
around you is being gased to death, shocked to death,
dying of diseases. You don't know if you're going to
be next, and that is your existence. And so what
he started doing was search or meaning. So how he
(30:22):
did that was I'm not sure exactly how he did that,
but he had this idea that the circumstances around him
were not going to rule his world, but he was
going to make meaning of his life, whatever it was,
(30:44):
and through a desire for this meaning, he had the
will to live. And the meaning might have been as
simple as helping somebody stay warm, and as a result
of that, helping somebody stay warm while everybody else was freezing,
he stayed warm. Also, it might have been a very
(31:05):
simple thing like helping somebody in the camps deal with
their psychological freak out and distress and trauma. So a
lot of times I personally feel that when I put
myself in situations where I can be meaning full to
(31:25):
other people, I derive a lot of meaning for myself
and so it lights up my light, so to speak.
So what's a reaction I'm onto panel two, Now, what's
the reaction to futility? Meaninglessness cracks us up. You could
(31:47):
see panel two, all the broken and shattered glass. So
if we don't feel like we matter, if we don't
feel significant, we crack up, and instead of integrating, we
shatter and our psyche shatters and there's no focal point.
(32:09):
It cracks our lens of perception, the way we see
the world, and even to the point where we have
false hope, hope that like what you brought up earlier,
hope that people can help us. But they can, but
the wrong people will be futile. Okay, so if you've
been in a feudal system, you're probably signing up for
(32:34):
feudal systems. That must be the most horrific punishment to
be in a feudal situation. And so when, for example,
one of the most cruel punishments in the prison system
is solitary confinement, and in solitary confinement, you know that
(32:56):
there's no interaction with other human beings, and we're built
to be interconnected, and so when there's no interconnection, there's
no sense of purpose and meaning, and then we start
slowly dying on the vine. We start shutting down our creativity,
(33:21):
we start shutting down our desire, We go inward, We
go into dark places in our mind that shut out everybody.
And even if we get out of these perfect situations,
we're traumatized by them, and it takes a long time
to reconnect to society, to humans and have a spark
(33:46):
of hope and the spark of desire and meaning. And
so you can see how quickly futility can overtake us.
Any other thoughts or questions in the chat room about
futility and really how it is such a bleak state
(34:08):
to be in, to be in a feudal.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
State, we do have another question. The question is an
individual tells another individual that something only means something to
you because you have nothing and no one. When someone
says that to me, what doesn't mean? What are their intentions?
Is it helpful?
Speaker 2 (34:30):
If somebody says to you that they have nothing and
no one and you're the only one in their life like.
Speaker 3 (34:36):
That, it looks more like a belittling statement, like a
bullying statement, Like somebody tells you that something in your
life only means something to you because you have nothing
and no buddy else, so like a threat like.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
They better be somebody to you, kind of like a manipulation.
I guess I'm not getting the sure. Yes, yes, so
they're manipulating you to they're putting a lot on you. Yeah,
(35:17):
so that they so they can derive meaning from your existence. Yes, yes, okay,
so I would say that, wouldn't you say? That's pretty manipulative.
That's a lot of pressure on one single person, Isn't
it like you better give me meaning, you better be
(35:39):
a person that I live for, or you better you better?
There's a you better behind it, isn't there?
Speaker 4 (35:49):
Yes? There is?
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Yeah, okay, so that that's kind of like a hostage
situation to me. You know, so you don't want to
entangle with yourself with a person that doesn't demand that
you bring something to the table. So that's sort of
a little description of narcissism, right there. Isn't it that
(36:14):
you better bring it or else I'm not going to
be happy? But you know, flip it around, what is
the other person bringing to the relationship Because relationships are
meant to be synergistic. Of course, sometimes one person is
very very down and out and the other person is
there to pick them up, But in general there's a
(36:37):
give and take. So if somebody's not doing well, the
other one kicks in, and then sometimes the other one
is not doing well and the other partner kicks in.
But generally, what is generative, which is again the opposite
of futility, is one feeding the other. They're both feeding
(36:59):
each other. The pressures just on one to give them meaning.
And you better, you better make me feel good, you
better be there for me. It's just a one sided
vampire vampiring relationship.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
We actually got some clarification on that question. This individual says, no,
it's a hurtful statement saying that you have nothing and
no one. So when I take you out for lunch,
it means more to you than it does to me.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
Oh my goodness, I wouldn't give that person the time
of day. Really, that's a demean value destroy That means
that if you go out for lunch, you're basically their bitch,
right like you're supposed to kiss, kiss their hand for
even taking a low life like you out. I mean,
(37:49):
so part of you know, part of what I try
to tell people is that your participation in this is
half the problem, or maybe the full problem. So if
you find that people are treating you like this, you've
got to turn to yourself and ask yourself how am
I being causal? So if you accept such an invitation,
(38:12):
what exactly are you doing here? Okay, you're you're basically saying,
it's okay if you demean, devalue, and destroy me. It's
okay if you think of me as this poor, little,
I don't know, decrepit person that's so needy, and you're
(38:33):
gonna you're you're, you're such a big person, is to
waste your time on me to give me a better
moment or meal, Like, aren't you aren't you know? The
statement is, aren't you lucky to have me in your life?
What a horrible system?
Speaker 4 (38:49):
That is?
Speaker 2 (38:50):
What a what? It's just not a good not a
good situation. So what you want to do is get
away from that, build yourself up so that you feel
like you're something to yourself and enough to share, so
that people engage with you because they're getting value out
(39:12):
of you, and you're getting value out of them, and
there's something that's growth producing. Because this is a feudal situation,
you're supposed to be the downtrodden and appreciative of the
charitable person that's giving you the lunch, buying you the lunch,
(39:35):
giving you the attention, Now, if you want to do
charity to people who are lonely, that's a different story.
But you don't go in there telling them that aren't
you lucky that I'm here to spend time with you?
Aren't you lucky that I'm you know, a worthless person
like you is going to take some of my attention,
(39:56):
and that I'm going to spend money on you for lunch.
I mean, it's so degrading. Can you hear the degrading
quality to this dynamics? You could just put a yes
or no in a chat room since we're chatting it
up in the chat room.
Speaker 3 (40:16):
They said yes they can, and they also said thank you.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
So you're welcome. And so the do the right thing
thing to do here is you give yourself meaning and
you don't sign up for people that make you feel
meaningless because just the way you described it, ugh how pathetic.
Like I would never go out with a person that
talked to me like that, even if I were starving.
(40:42):
I'd rather just sit home and make myself some food
and sit there alone. Because you know, there's a point
at which you might be so lonely or hungry or
whatever you're hungry for. But if you allow yourself to
be quote fed by somebody who is demeaning and devaluing
and destroying you. Not only are you going to feel worse,
(41:09):
you're going to feel like all of your core beliefs
are being activated. Especially you're not good enough, you're not lovable,
you're not meaningful, you're not important. So you know, you
might get a belly full of food, but you're going
to also get a head full of horrible activations of
(41:29):
core beliefs that are going to shatter you and then
leave you in chaos. You'll probably end up leaving that
lunch feeling like you've got to do something to defend yourself,
and you might go home and just shut down and
go to sleep, or eat more potato chips, or drink
(41:51):
alcohol or smoke more cigarettes or something. So do you
see how this doesn't really serve you. You might be served
for a moment, but you've got to also own your
own reasons why you're engaging with such a person. Is
it really worth the lunch? Is it really worth the
two seconds of attention or quality attention, demeaning attention that
(42:18):
this person gives you, And if you were to source
it back to the cause, is that how your parents
treated you, did they make you feel like you should
be lucky to even be in their company, You should
be lucky to even get a little bit of their attention.
You should feel lucky, meaning that you're not meaningful, okay,
(42:41):
and not significant to them. So I think I should
put more emphasis on the people that feel like victims
of these situations and help them to remember that they're
victims because they're participate pins in the system. How's that
(43:03):
to hold you responsible? Because ultimately we're responsible for ourselves.
And if we're crying about how people screw us over
or treat us like dirt or anything, you know, we've
got to look at our participation in this, and even
(43:24):
more importantly, we have to look at the blueprint of
how we were raised and wounded to know why we
sign up for these kinds of narcissistically horrible deals because
that's what they are, and they are futile because there's
nothing good that generates. There's no light in that lunch,
(43:48):
there's no light in that friendship. It's only you instead
of getting I did a show on this called Filment
Versus Fulfillment. You guys should watch that one. You know
you might feel full from the lunch, but you're not
going to feel fulfilled because that person is there to
step on you and make you feel worse. And that's
(44:11):
what narcissists do. They step on you, make you feel worse,
make you feel beholden to them in order to feel better.
And this is not a synergistic relationship. This is a
one upsmanship relationship. So when we talk about what is
a more healthy relationship, let's go to panel number seven,
(44:34):
which is what I use as my logo. So go
to seven and you'll see a bunch of bubbles and
sorry sneeze coming and not coming out. Okay, So those
bubbles are meant to be a model for a synergy.
So it's a model of one plus one is greater
(44:59):
than too, not less than you. So if you walk
in there down trodden, victimy and sad, depressed, hungry, tired, lonely,
and then you get with a person that's going to
use you to make themselves feel better, that would that
would be the vampiring effect. If you're with somebody that
(45:23):
is truly there to be a friend, to be a partner,
to hold you responsible. Sometimes people think friendships are people
who just pat you on the back and make you
feel better and buy you lunch and listen to your
soft stories and let you go on and on with meaninglessness.
A true friend is going to confront you and say,
(45:45):
wait a minute, you're way out of line. That's not okay.
You know, I could see why your life is this
way because you're not investing in your health. So you're
not investing in your spirit growth, or you're not investing
in your psychological growth. I think good friends are truth tellers,
(46:08):
and I think at the core of this process of
the mind map that light represents the truth. And when
you tell the truth, even if it doesn't sound pretty
or kind, the truth really will shine light. You need
(46:30):
to know the truth, and true friends say the truth.
Hopefully they say it in a way that's digestible enough.
And I created what's called a peaceful Healing Dialogue, which
is in my book. You can also get it off
my website Psychological Healingcenter dot com. And we have a caller,
(46:52):
so thank you so much for calling in. We have
a few minutes to talk. Hi. Hi, why are you
able to hear me properly? I am?
Speaker 4 (47:06):
Are you able to hear me properly?
Speaker 2 (47:08):
Yeah? Thank you so much for calling in and what
what inspired you to to make the call.
Speaker 4 (47:17):
Well, I used to tune into this regularly, and then
I drifted away for a while and it popped up
and I listened to you talk about the verbal way
that this is this happens, But I was wondering about
the nonverbal way of expressing the same lack of interest
(47:43):
value connection by silence and by little things like not
being interested in the in you, not that you need interest,
but as a couple, being unable to devel of anything together,
a shared likeness to grow in together. Giving a gift,
(48:07):
for example, a birthday gift, and when you say you
don't like the color, typically exchange it for the one
you want. They never will exchange it. They just you
never get the gifts. So these kinds of little things
when you say you want to you need help, you
want to do something and you need help, and they
say that's a great idea, yeah yeah, but then they
(48:28):
will never they never fallow through and help not recognizing
when you're going through something extremely difficult emotionally, simply ignoring
your experience and as you have it alongside them. This
seems to be some of the same sort of thing
but a different delivery of the message.
Speaker 5 (48:49):
Right wrong, Yeah, yeah, you're right, because when somebody marginalizes you,
then you feel so important, which is that you feel
futile to them, like you don't matter, right yeah, And
so part of a relationship is giving importance to the person.
Speaker 2 (49:08):
And we're all guilty of being on our cell phone.
Speaker 6 (49:11):
When we're in.
Speaker 2 (49:14):
A social setting where we should really just be to
eye contact. You know, we're losing it. E to eyes,
skin to skin, the stuff that babies need, we need mirroring, tutment,
you're talking about non mirroring. You get a present, that's nice, right,
But then you say I don't like the color, which
(49:35):
is the truth. And then the person, if they're going
to pick up on your queue, will say, you know,
no big deal, let me go back and see if
they have it in other colors. Or if they don't
feel like going back, they could say, look, I bought
it at such and such store. Why don't you see
if they have it in another color, and we'll just
(49:56):
do an exchange. There's got to be some sort of
a ciprocity, not just like sorry, wrong color okay, or
sorry don't have time for you. You know, there's a couple,
John and Julie Gottman. They are very famous couple's therapists
(50:18):
who have treated literally, I don't know, thousands and thousands
of couples, and they have a concept called bidding, and
bidding is when one person seeks the attention of the
other and then the other person just drops the ball. Okay,
so they're not just you know, they're not like playing
(50:41):
tennis back and forth. They're just letting the ball, you know,
bounce and bounce out. And I see this with my dog.
I feel horribly guilty when my dog brings me the
ball and I have to go somewhere and then you know,
I could just look at you know, tears my heart out. Personally,
all throw the ball to her once or twice and
(51:02):
they're like, where you go away?
Speaker 4 (51:04):
And then oh my god, yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:06):
You know so so so there's got to be something
in us that's got to feel bad when we're not
able to bounce the ball. But if you're in a
relationship and there's no response to your bidding, that is
a huge, huge predictor of divorce.
Speaker 4 (51:23):
And yeah, it's as easy.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
Right, doesn't that make sense? So if you say, oh
my god, look at the sunset, and your partner, your husband, wife,
says yeah, whatever, you know. And then and then you're
at a right, and you're at a museum. Oh my god,
look at the colors and the shapes and the fine,
fine artistry of this painting. And the person says, you know,
(51:50):
I'm bored. Let's go right, So, you know, yeah, disconnect.
Speaker 4 (51:55):
I think it's interesting that you made the tennis reference
because in discussing this topic, I had mentioned how it's
kind of like with someone else I had mentioned it's
kind of like playing tennis against the backboard, but not
the backboard is made of velcro, and the tennis ball
just sticks. It never comes back, and so you reference
(52:16):
tennis too. And anyway, I forgot something else, but that
was a good reference. And this other thing is that
in the end, there's no energy exchange, right, It's like
constantly trying to get a wave going and each side,
you know, contributing and passing the energy back and forth
and developing and getting momentum and growing into something. It's
(52:40):
like there's no energy exchange. So one person gets exhausted
constantly trying to get the other to activate, and the
other just looks at the activations drop on the floor
and so the one gets exhausted and eventually hopefully they
get they figure it out. I mean, and you realize
what you're doing to yourself by continuing to throw the
(53:02):
ball to the dog that's never going to bring it back.
They just look at it. Nobody ever taught them that
the ball is from the you chase and bring back.
It's like playing with a cat ball.
Speaker 2 (53:11):
With a cat maybe, and that's the definition of ability
throw the ball and the person just lets the ball
lie there, you know, where you start a conversation and
you know, I have some pet peeve statements. I hate
people who say whatever. Like I might say something and
they'll say whatever, and that's just such an offensive statement
(53:35):
to me, just you know, sort of like like chalk
on a black No, it's it's it's an a blow off.
It's just you know, like, okay.
Speaker 4 (53:46):
Well, I don't know. Is that the ultimate blowoff? Or
is it when they pretend they sane in person go
oh yeah, and then they don't. There's no pickup of
the conversation, almost like I'm pointed, I'm purposely doing this,
Like do you see that I'm not doing it? I
(54:07):
don't know, there's something about the fake response that leads
to nothing rather than the blowoffs. At least the blowoff
is honest. So whatever, you're like, Okay, I get the point.
But when they fake it that they're interested, that then
it just never goes anywhere. That's I think a little
more dark somehow.
Speaker 2 (54:26):
I love that you said that, because you know it's
it's the first one is so obvious, like whatever, but
that one is even more offensive. You're right, because that
you go on and on and on and you think
that they're actually interested, and they're just blowing smoke. They're
just entertaining. You're you saying things to them that they
(54:50):
don't really care about, and that you're right, that's.
Speaker 4 (54:53):
Till you get tired and go away, till you get
tired and leave them to go onto their device or
do whatever else wanted to focus on the whole time.
But they're just tolerating your presence for a while. Like
it's it's the silent version. I think I prefer the
overt I mean one, than the covert version of this
whole thing.
Speaker 2 (55:12):
Mm hmmm. I think I think that's that's a really
great example. And you know, either one makes you feel
sort of futile if you go on and on and
on and you think that you're getting somewhere in the
conversation and it's not generating into anything, and you feel
fooled that they were interested, but they really weren't. That's
a blowoff, no question about it. That that's few again.
(55:38):
You know, this, this topic is about futility. There's so
many forms of futility, feudal conversations, feudial investments in relationship.
The one that I did last week on the narcissistic
Carrot is the futility of being with a narcissist who
makes fake promises. Yeah we'll be merry, Yeah I do
(56:01):
love you, Yeah I'm committed to you, and it's all fake.
Speaker 4 (56:05):
It's just yeah, I'm going to go on that vacation.
We're going to go on that vacation. Yeah, we're going
to take that trip that you know, eventually I'll take
a vacation from working and we'll go do something together
that's meaningful to you. No, those don't happen either, right,
but yeah.
Speaker 2 (56:21):
Just this to say that you will and then not
do it, that's the torture. That's the futility. And so
if you find yourself in relationships like that. Again, I
want to emphasize the participation of the person because they
need to stop reinforcing the system gone wrong. If it's
(56:43):
a narcissistic system, and they keep getting blown off, ignored
or fatally entertained into thinking that they're meaningful and then
finding out that they're really not, it's time to reevaluate
(57:03):
your investment, whether it's an emotional investment, UH, physical investment
in helping UH, financial investment, UH, sexual investment, and investment. Right,
you don't you don't want to invest in dead end,
you don't want to invest in futility. It's a it's
(57:25):
it's it's very exhausting, especially when you spend years and
years of the dangling carrot in front of your nose
and you think, yeah, sure, you know, the personal finally
cave in. And even if they cave in, what kind
of relationship is it that you have to wait eight
years or you know, four years or I don't know,
(57:47):
in order to get somebody to commit to you. That
that's sort of a I don't know, red flag to me.
Speaker 4 (57:56):
Yeah yeah, and your mind that system very when I
last I'm sure you've developed it since I last thought
a couple of years ago, but it was extremely helpful
for helping those people that are from a system that
creates the person that's going to be engaged in their
(58:17):
cycles and you know, so figuring out how your own
wounds end up playing out in these in these relationships
and these different business personal whatever it is, always that
was very helpful.
Speaker 2 (58:36):
Go to the blueprint and connect the dots and then
you'll see a big picture of why you're engaged in
the system gone wrong. And once you get it and
you can own the fact that you're trying to do
what the freud or repeat of your past, then you
could say no thanks, because the wt app is the
(58:58):
meaning of true futility. You just go around and around
and nothing, nothing is generating out of it. It's just
the same old, same old, getting you nowhere.
Speaker 4 (59:11):
Doctor Judy. Have you heard of cold therapy? No, you
get you get re exposed to the trauma that you had,
but at this time it's in the safe environment and
you process it with someone so that you it's something
for some personality disorders that I've read about. I just
(59:35):
wondered if sometimes I wonder if we're doing that to
ourselves by getting ourselves into these relationships or just trying
to work it out. You know, eventually the pain becomes
so great that we will reach for help, But how
many times we have to go through the relationship or
how long do we stay before we get there?
Speaker 2 (59:53):
So that that's a great way cold therapy, that's a
nice description, because it's cold, right, it doesn't really generate.
So could therapy is something that the way you describe
it is included in the mind map process. Because in
the mind map process, we have what I call truth
conversations where we replay the trauma and the person I
(01:00:18):
get to be the person that is actively involved in
the conversation of the woundings, and then the person can
actually push back and express all the repressed anger and
hurt and resentment. So I think it's okaypical point in
(01:00:39):
my therapy for sure. Oh cool, Yeah, it really is.
It's a very important it's panel six actually break down, breakthrough.
And so why it doesn't work with other relationships is
because they're not doing it to be therapeutic. They're just
doing it to reinjure you. Okay, and I see we're
(01:01:00):
totally out, but I really appreciate your college make awesome
points and I want to just reiterate to everybody, whatever
is happening to you, if you don't like it, and
if it doesn't feel sane and safe and progressive, then
don't be victim. Get out. Yeah yeah, thank you so
(01:01:23):
much for calling in, and thank you everyone for listening.
Speaker 4 (01:01:27):
Good night, everybody, thanks for doing these shows. Faithfully, Doctor Judy.
Speaker 6 (01:01:31):
You're very welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:02:00):
In del cotub It discarded protest doubd it discoed
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