July 14, 2025 • 58 mins
Are the "rules" you've been following actually setting you up for heartbreak? In this episode of Ask Dr. Judy, we’re throwing out the tired, cliché advice and taking a closer look at UNPOPULAR DATING RULES that might actually save you from pain down the road.
Dr. Judy unpacks the counterintuitive strategies that can help you date smarter, avoid toxic patterns, and build healthier relationships—even if your friends think you're breaking all the “rules.”
We’re inviting listeners to join the conversation live and share their own experiences, questions, and the unconventional dating rules that worked for them.
💔 Think ghosting is always bad?
💔 Should you really play hard to get?
💔 Is it OK to be brutally honest early on?
Let’s challenge what you think you know about dating—so you can avoid the heartache later.
Dr. Judy unpacks the counterintuitive strategies that can help you date smarter, avoid toxic patterns, and build healthier relationships—even if your friends think you're breaking all the “rules.”
We’re inviting listeners to join the conversation live and share their own experiences, questions, and the unconventional dating rules that worked for them.
💔 Think ghosting is always bad?
💔 Should you really play hard to get?
💔 Is it OK to be brutally honest early on?
Let’s challenge what you think you know about dating—so you can avoid the heartache later.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Hello, everything, and thank you for so much for training
in Doctor Judy, doctor g d wt AP. And I'm
about to get more unpopular because I'm going to be
giving out unpopular dating advice that you're not going to
be too happy about. But you know, then again, I
am a psychologist. I am interested in healing human disconnect
(01:01):
and I'm interested in making sure that you don't get
heartbroken after you pair up with the wrong person for
the wrong reasons. And so I'd rather hit you with
unpopular dating advice rather than see you in my office
and with a box of tissues or two boxes or
three or four or five of them. So let's dive
(01:24):
right into it. And this is a call in show everyone.
I just want to make sure that if you do
call in, you're going to keep the topic relevant. And
if I feel that you're getting off topic, I'll ask
you to get back on topic, and if you can't,
then I'm going to have to let you go. So
do call in. I don't want to discourage anyone from
calling in because I'd rather talk to a live person
(01:47):
than just keep lecturing on and on and on. So
the number is three two three, five, two four two
five nine nine and I'm sure you have heard a
lot of dating advice out there. I lean toward what
most people would consider conservative, and so I'll just put
it out there. I'm just not a fan of casual sex.
(02:11):
There's nothing casual about it. If you want entertainment, I
guess you can turn the TV on or Netflix, or
I guess some people turn pooring on, which is not
really a great way to groom yourself for intimacy. I
recognize that it does exist, and it is a problem.
(02:31):
So the best dating advice is to be the person
that other people want to date, and that even you
would want to date. So let's say you're sloppy and dirty.
Would you want to date a sloppy and dirty person.
Let's say that you're broken, not really fixed on improving
(02:52):
your financial situation and upping your level. Would you want
to date such a person? Let's say you don't take
care of your nails or your skin, or you dress
you dress some I don't know below par Do you
want to date such a person? Let's say your bread smells,
(03:13):
you know, don't forget that. I also am a Paul
Mitchell graduate, so I'm into hair and nails and all
of that. Grooming kind of stuff. So it's going to
seep into this program. But it is important because the
way that you present yourself is going to either turn
people away or turn people towards you, and you want
(03:36):
to make sure that you're the best of your best.
So we're going to dive into some childhood wounds that
set up your blueprint for not such great outcomes and
for choices that are not so favorable, and so let's
dive into them. So let's take a look at your
blueprint and see how that's looking. Because if your blueprint
(03:59):
is then you're probably gonna pick partners that are that
are less than good for your heart, good for your soul,
good for your mind, good for your future. So let's
take a look at see what these childhood wounds are
all about and how they affect your psyche and ultimately
(04:22):
how they affect your dating choice and your life partner choice.
The most important decision that you can make in a
lifetime is choosing the right partner. Now, that is a
huge weight on anybody's shoulders because if you choose the
(04:44):
wrong partner, it can cost you big time. It'll cost
you money to get divorced, it'll cost you emotions to
get therapy and other healing methods, because it does take
a toll on your mind, body, soul. It'll cost your
family because they've now gotten close to the person that
(05:06):
you're not going to be with any longer. It'll cost
your children, if you have any, because they're now going
to have to go through the divorce along with you
as well. And then there are custody arrangements and kids
being shuffled back and forth, and you know, you just
let's just avoid that if you can. If you've been
(05:27):
through that, then I get it. You've been through that,
so now you're still alive, you're still kicking. You want
to make sure that who you pick is going to
be relationship ready and will be somebody that adds to
your life and not detracts from your life. So let's
(05:47):
put the mind map up and let's get into some
blueprint details here. If you look at panel number one,
you will see the light. The light is your potential.
The light is the best, your best. It's you dating ready, okay,
relationship ready. You've done the work, You've healed your wounds,
(06:09):
you're showing up. You have integrity, you've got e FX,
you've got morals, you've got a lifestyle that welcomes another
human being. In other words, you've got your act together. Okay.
The shadows, on the other hand, are all the things
that disconnect you from your light. So what in your
(06:34):
blueprint can disconnect you from being the best partner you
could possibly be. Well, there are tons of things, so
let's just get into it. So let's say that you
were raised by alcoholic parents. Well, that's going to put
a damper on things, because, for one, your relationship with
(06:54):
alcohol could be in the normalized dreams. So if you
meet somebody that's a drinker, you yourself have blueprinted off
of that habit and addiction. Now you're going to be
attracting somebody with like kind habit and addiction. And so
(07:14):
I've talked about this before, but I'm really strong on
this point. Any kind of drug is a human disconnect,
whether it be smoking, which I'm getting more into stop
Smoking and re vitalizing my book Kick It, which should
be out hopefully in the next few months and available
for you at Amazon dot com, or alcohol or any really,
(07:38):
any kind of drug is a human disconnect because it
takes you away from the person. It acts as a
defense mechanism and a shield. And also because it's a
defense mechanism, people tend to not really get close to
(08:00):
you because if they do get close to you and
you find that there's a problem of any sort there,
then you might want to resort to your defense mechanism
to keep you safe quote safe from the pain, rather
than do what evolved people do, which is talk it
out and figure it out and find a way to reconnect.
(08:25):
So you can see that the shadow of any kind
of drug from your past, your household, your mother, your father,
can actually prepare you to not be a very good partner.
Who out there has been with a partner that's been
maybe a really nice person, but you know, they disappear
(08:47):
into their martinis in the evening, or they smoke so
much weed that they're just in a fog, or they're
smoking cigarettes and they smell bad, and you don't really
want to kiss them, and you don't even want to
get very close to them at all. So these are
the things that disconnect us from our partners, and we
(09:09):
don't want to be those people because you know, even
though you might be used to your drug of choice
or your disconnection of choice, the other person may not
like it, and I'll put cell phones in there as well,
because cell phones have become a tremendously distracting distractor and
(09:30):
defense mechanism and human disconnect. So we want to make
sure that we are available. And if our parents were
not nurturing, if they were not emotionally available, if they
were not people who would give us a sense of stability,
eye contacts, skin contact, a sense of trust and reliability,
(09:56):
then we don't have what doctor John Bowlby refers to
as stable secure attachment. And if you don't have stable
secure attachment, you'll either be the one destabilizing the relationship,
or you will pick people who destabilize your relationship, or
(10:17):
both of you will. So not a good way to
enter into a partnership. So unpopular dating advice number one,
Please check your addictions at the dating door and make
sure that you're emotionally and psychologically and soulfully, spiritually and
(10:39):
physically available to the person, and if you're not, attend
to it at least enough so that most of your
life is drug free, if not all of your life,
and that you're really a partner that is connectable with
and not a human and disconnect. Okay, So let's move
(11:02):
on to other things. So you know that I specialize
in narcissism. So the last thing you need is a
narcissist in your life. And how are you going to
get a narcissist is by being a people pleaser. So
if you're a people pleaser, if you're naive and vulnerable,
then you're setting yourself up for a partner who, instead
(11:24):
of connecting with you, will be using you to extract
from you their narcissistic supply, whether it be your money,
or your beauty, or your youth, or your ideas, or
your security, or your naivete whatever that happens to be.
(11:45):
So how did you get set up to be such
a sucker? Well, somewhere in your blueprint you must have
learned from your family of origin that the way to
mommy's or daddy's heart is to please them and abandon
yourself in exchange for their love. So this is something
(12:08):
that I want to caution you about. So dating advice
number two is never abandon yourself for your partner, because
if you have to abandon yourself for your partner, then
you're going to become smaller. They're going to live that
off of your land. So to speak, and who's going
to be diminished in the relationship, actually both of you,
(12:31):
because that partner is not going to grow. They're just
sort of bloodsucking off of you like a vampire. And
you're certainly not going to grow because you're going to
be sucked from and you're going to get smaller and
smaller and weaker and more dependent. So what you want
to do dating advice is to heal myself, heal your
(12:53):
own childhood wounds so that you're not susceptible to people
who are going to use you and use you and
set you up for the opposite of a synergistic relationship,
meaning one plus one will end up being less than
(13:13):
And what do we have there? A question? Sure? I
will take a question. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
This is an interesting question because I think a lot
of people may be experiencing this. What's your opinion on
dating multiple people at once at the beginning? Is it
helpful or is it setting up you for more drama?
Speaker 1 (13:36):
I don't know. I mean have two thoughts, okay, I'll
split myself into hey. One is that if you're not
in a committed thing with them, I think it's okay
to explore various people and find out what they're about,
and see if you guys are on the same page.
On the other hand, it can get confusing. I think
(13:57):
once you find somebody that is a good egg, okay,
a good candidate, I would focus on that person as
long as he or she is focused on you as well,
so that would look like you meet the person you say, wait,
this is you know, We've got some good stuff happening here.
(14:20):
Let's check this out, and let's not throw confusion into
this beautiful start and keep going and keep going deeper
and getting to know each other. Because when you get
too embroiled and too many people, you know, first of all,
you start calling the person honey or babe because you
(14:42):
don't even know who's on the other end of the phone.
So generically you'll start treating them like hi, sweetie, Hi baby,
Hi honey, okay, And that's kind of like a defense
mechanism against wait, are you Mary, or are you Joe?
Or are you Sarah? Or I forgot you know, I forgot.
(15:04):
So that's not a really good feeling. So I do
think that if you meet somebody of quality, try to
focus on that person. But I do understand that at
the beginning you want to go out there and mix
and mingle and meet different people, but just don't call
it dating. Don't call it dating, call it befriending or
(15:29):
acquaintancing with that person. The minute you start getting mushy, sexual, kissing, physical,
that's dating. And I don't really recommend that. I really
don't recommend bringing in the physical before the other elements align,
(15:49):
And especially especially if you're younger, it's not a good
idea because we're loaded with hormones. The oxytocin and all
that hormonal is going to blind you, guys, and you'll
be seeing their beauty and smelling their pheromones and getting
addicted to all that physical stuff, which is beautiful and
(16:12):
great as long as the character behind the chemistry creates
a potential for something valuable and meaningful. So that's my
dating advice number three. I think I'm losing track here.
Do not get physical until you have a commitment. I
(16:36):
know that sounds so old fashioned, but you know what,
what isn't old fashioned? Our tears and boxes of Kleenex
and therapy and crying about being broken hearted and assuming
that you were more special to the person than you
actually were. And that's not old fashion. That's just how
(17:00):
it goes for many, many, many, many many years. People
make assumptions. Oh wow, he took me out to great
dinner or told me how beautiful I am, or she
made it very obvious that she really wanted to spend
time with me. Well, don't assume anything, Okay, don't assume anything,
(17:25):
and do not bring it to a physical level until
you discover who is that person. It's kind of like
reading the labels, okay with you. Now that I'm into
eating healthy, I don't want to put anything into my
body unless I know what's in it. So it's the
same thing with a person. You don't want to start
(17:47):
shacking up with that person until you know what's in it.
So what's in the person is all their blueprints from
their parents, whether they're sloppy or neat, or clean or
educated or monogamously oriented, or free of drugs or not
free of drugs, or they have a certain religion or
(18:11):
certain political leaning or a certain belief system. Unless you
have dealt with all of the deal breakers, what's the
point of putting yourself into a deep, committed anything with them.
It's dumb in my opinion, and you're free to debate
(18:35):
me if you want. But you know, I've interviewed a
lot of people, I've treated a lot of people, I've
lived a long life, and I think it's really really
dumb to sink your heart into somebody that hasn't also
committed to you. So it's got to be mutual, meaning
(18:57):
one plus one is greater than two. Okay, it's synergistic
as opposed to vampiring. That's how I like to see it.
So if you go back to panel number one, there's
so many things there. You know, the blueprint of your
home environment. Is it a home environment that's peaceful and
(19:20):
safe or is it a chaotic home environment? Are your
parents still together? Do you have peace with your siblings?
Do you have peace with your ex relationships? Or are
they still nag nagging you and on your mind? Are
you still hoping that you're going to get a call
(19:41):
from your X person who cheated on you or betrayed
you in some way. If you're in that space, I
get it. You have feelings toward the person you allowed
yourself to sink yourself deep into the person. However, no
matter how much you love that par, no matter how
attractive you are to that person, it's not going to
(20:05):
change their character. You are not going to change anybody's character.
I mean me as a psychologist, people pay me to
help them make long term character logic changes, and that
takes education and a certain methodology which many of you know.
(20:26):
I use my mind map system to delve into childhood wounds, reactions,
and how things are encoded so that we can literally
decode your past and recode your future. So you know,
you're not going to change anyone. So if anybody is
going to do the changing, the person is going to
(20:46):
have to be self motivated to give up smoking or alcohol,
or get a job, or get more education, or become
more of a person of integrity, or be livable with
because they're neater and cleaner and more organized and keep
(21:08):
their word and show up and so on. Don't we
all want people who have integrity and show up and
smell good for the bare minimum right, take care of
their oral hygiene, work out, and eat properly. I mean, sure,
there are lots of millions of people walking around overweight
(21:29):
and not really carrying what they put into their bodies.
But if you do, why would you want to be
with somebody who doesn't? It's going to create tension. It's
going to create a rift in your relationship. If you're
sitting there eating organic food and they're crunching on taco
(21:52):
bells and drinking Coca cola and beer, that should be
indicative that your lifestyles different. And not not to say
that you can't make a deal, and you know, I
guess people do, but it's indicative because it's philosophically misaligned.
(22:13):
You know, you're, let's say, philosophically on the track of
being healthier and the person next to you isn't. And
that has long term consequences. And so it might look
cute to you know, wipe up their their slurpy off
of their chin, but you know, what's it doing inside
(22:36):
their body? What's it corroding? What kind of cholesterol level
is hyping up there, what kind of fatty liver is
being developed there? What kind of you know, diabetic coma
are they going to end up in if they're all
sugared out and all carved out, And what kind of
shape is their body going to be in after years
(22:59):
and years of abusing food and other substances. So who
they are and what they do matters a lot. Specifically,
if you're going to have children, you don't want a
role model that you will resent. So dating advice number
(23:19):
I think we're on four something like that, don't marry
somebody that you don't want to have as the parent
of your child. It's going to be a wreck because
you guys are not going to be on the same page.
You're going to be giving your children mixed messages. And
let's say somebody is super sloppy and the other one's
(23:41):
super tidy. What's your kid seeing? Well, they're going to
use the sloppy parent as a role model to say,
you know, mom or dad, or you know, see, I
could do whatever I want. My other parent does, so
why can't I? And there will be no level of
consistency and the role modeling will be canceling each other out.
(24:06):
So that's dating rule number four is, don't date somebody
that you don't want to be the role model for
your your child or children or future children. Okay, any
other questions.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Or comments, Yes, we do have another question, and we'd
love to have you call in three two three, five, two, four,
two five, nine nine. I know it gets you get
a little timid sometimes to talk live to doctor Judy,
but you don't have to use your name, and we'd
love to hear from you. But here's a question. How
(24:45):
do I handle if? How do you handle if you
know that they're not the one, but you're just afraid
of being alone?
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Well you have to ask yourself, are you more afraid
of being alone or are you more afraid of being
in a horrible relationship. Something's going to win out there.
So I like to extrapolate. I mean, I'm single for
a reason, you know. I think what's happening to me
is the older I get, the more I really want,
(25:20):
desire and demand a synergistic partner. You know, I'm educated.
I try hard in life. I try to brush my
teeth and wash my hair and go to the gym
and develop hobbies. I keep a nice home. I've got
great dogs. I think you could see one of them
(25:40):
in the background. They're while taken care of. I'm a
pretty good mother. I think I can ask my kids.
I suppose I'm a great grandmother. I know that, and
I bring a lot to the table. And so why
would I want to be with somebody who comes home
wrong or wants to spend the day, you know, eating
(26:06):
pizza or CouchSurfing. I mean a little of that is okay.
I'm not gonna say, hey, you know you've got to
be me or live exactly like me, but something in there.
So I've learned. I'll just share a little bit about
my story. I've learned that I don't love being alone.
(26:27):
I'm a very, very social creature. I would love to
have a fabulous partner, for sure. Okay, but unless they
are really somebody that I have trust in, that I
have some level of attraction to. And I don't only
mean physical, I mean that I'm spiritually attracted to them.
(26:52):
I'm mentally attracted to them. They have the same or
somewhat of a weird humor as I do, because I
could get really busy are so I have my must LISTSA.
They must love dogs. I mean, come on, I've got
two beautiful dogs. They drive me crazy. But you know
they must love dogs, because I don't see that I
(27:13):
would be giving up my dogs ever. To make a
relationship work, they must be somewhat neat and clean. They've
got to be motivated, if not college educated, life educated.
They have to have honesty and integrity. I want to
be able to trust this partner. I want my partner
(27:34):
to be obviously monogamous because I don't want to worry
that I have competition. I want to know that I'm
a meaningful growth partner as they are to me. So
those are just some of my my requirements. And so
I want you to get dating ready by describing your
(27:59):
requirements and rather than shoehorn the person to fit to
who they are into your life, why don't you define
what you need, like really really need for your life.
And that's dating advice number five. Don't make the person
that rap. What do they say, the square peg fit
(28:22):
into the round hole? Okay, make sure that you guys
are aligned and not sort of tweaking the relationship. So
somehow it works because you're afraid of being alone. And
if you are afraid of being alone, use that time
to develop yourself. I'm using the time to take art
(28:43):
classes and go to the gym and get my diet
right and get healthy and get involved with as much
as I can get involved with. And I'm a projects person.
I'd love finishing my kick It Stop Smoking book. I'm
working on that and that's really cool for me because
I wrote a book called kick It back in the
(29:06):
nineteen eighties that sold over a quarter of a million copies.
And now the next version is going to be deeper
and more psychological, and we'll talk about how smoking fills
a hole in your soul, as does any drug, as
does any person. So if you're not with the right person,
all they're doing is filling a hole in your soul.
(29:29):
So they're not fulfilling you. They're just filling you. And
if you need company and you find somebody that's good
enough company, well, you know, see them once or twice
a week, go to the movies with them, eat dinner
with them, but certainly don't bring them full on board
(29:49):
the relationship if they've got too much baggage, or if
their baggage doesn't fit neatly into your what's that called
the overhead compartment or whatever they call that. So this again,
you know, this is a huge decision, and you don't
(30:11):
want to just casually invite people into your life just
because you've had a good moment with them or good
discussion with them, or they're sexy or cute, or rich
or drive a great car. I mean, those things are
nice to have and certainly indicative of people who maybe
(30:33):
try hard to dress well which is a good thing.
Or have a job and make money, which is a
good thing. But that's not all there is. If you
could just see yourself sitting comfortably with them in any environment,
in any environment, and just love their touch and love
(30:59):
their essence and love their mind and feel like, oh,
I'm comfortable, I'm home. Maybe that's what my dogs are
trying to show me as how comfortable and at home
and natural and unconditionally loving I am to them as
they are to me. And maybe that's my role model
(31:22):
for parts of a relationship, right, that they should feel
that unconditionally relaxing and at home and natural. And do
we have another question?
Speaker 2 (31:38):
We sure do? Okay, So it says, should you ever
give someone a second chance after they lie early on?
And is that or is that a hard no, especially
on the first date, you know, if they've.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Had some sort of a character logical change. If somebody
comes to you and says, look, I'm really, really, really
ashamed of who I've been being. So you know, I'm
not a fan of apologies because an apology is just
sort of like an eraser. Oh I'm sorry I cheated,
Oh I'm sorry I didn't show up. Oh I'm sorry,
(32:17):
I'm drunk again. I'm sorry. Yeah, but I'm sorry doesn't
create change, does it. It doesn't create a transformation. So
if that person is truly owning their own stuff, which
is a good sign for any relationship, if they've done
the work, if they're truly not proud of who they
(32:38):
have been being, and you guys value each other enough
and value the relationship enough to make sure that that
which broke it isn't going to keep rebreaking it, you know,
only under those circumstances. And that's not to be taken lightly.
(33:00):
Because once a person has a character logic flaw, it's
really really hard to say sorry, never do that again.
You know, it becomes like a ticking bomb. Right if
the person's a cheater, then unless they can really say, hey,
(33:21):
you know, I've done the work, that's just not something
that I want to bring into the next part of
my life. I've had a real breakthrough on this. You
don't you don't want them back because what's what's back
is backwards. Okay, you don't want them back because you
don't want to go backwards. Once you've discovered discovered the
fatal flaw, do you want the fatal flaw back in
(33:44):
your life because it might bring you joy and comfort
to know that your love of your life is back.
But if your love of your life isn't enhancing the
quality of your life, then that's not the love of
your life. That's not somebody that really really is going
to care about you. They're going to care about themselves.
(34:06):
They're going to care that they're back in your life
because they didn't want to lose you where you're the
best sex they ever had, or you know, they want
you back because they don't want to pay the child
support or want to they don't want to be away
from their kids or something, you know, some reason other
than a deep and meaningful relationship with you. So I'd
(34:32):
be really, really cautious about taking somebody back again. It
depends on the reason, does depend on how much work
they've done, And I wouldn't just automatically give them a
pass card back into my life. I would want to
vet them and make sure that this is for real,
(34:56):
because you know, it's true, some people do make shifts,
and we have to we have to consider that there's
room for that. It's just that they really do have
to make the shifts. Okay, does that make sense? To everybody. Okay,
so so far we've got panel one, all the wounds
(35:20):
that you printed off of your family of origin, and
what are you carrying into the relationship based on your past?
And have you done the work? And if you're still
copycatting your parents' addictions and their sloppiness and their bad
money management and disloyalty and cheating, and you know, get
(35:43):
back in there, get back and paddle one and do
the work. Okay. So Panel two is about the amygdala.
The amygdala is the primitive brain. So that's the fight flight,
freeze fawn. So everybody gets angry and nervous and upset.
But do you want your partner to cool you down
(36:06):
or do you want your partner to heat you up?
I guess it depends on what we mean is sexually,
of course you want them to heat you up. But
in terms of your mood and your emotionality, if you're
not in a good way, which definitely people crack up, Okay,
they definitely go ballistic at times. You want your partner
(36:32):
to dial you down. Of course, it's your responsibility to
dial yourself down as much as possible. One of the
reasons I'm divorced is because when tragedies happened or important
events happened in my life, my ex was not there
to soothe me at all. On the contrary, he was
(36:55):
just not there emotionally. It was a real human disconnect.
Although everything was right on paper in my emotional life,
there was not a deep connection of caring and being
there for the other partners. So that can leave one
feeling very alone and abandoned. So what I learned is
(37:19):
that you know, back to your question, is it better
to be alone or with the wrong partner? I have
to say I have never felt so alone in my
life as being with the wrong partner. You know, there
have been partners where I didn't feel alone, but I
didn't feel alone because of all their chaos. But that
wasn't a good not feeling alone. So do you want
(37:39):
to feel alone disconnected and be with somebody? Do you
want to feel not alone because it's filled with chaos
and crazy? You won't feel alone, but you'll just feel
chaotic and crazy. Do you want to feel not alone
because you have somebody to keep you company and watch
TV with? Okay, get a dog, all right? So I'm
(38:05):
saying trust the universe and trust that there is somebody
out there that will synergize with you. But before you
look for that person, make sure that you're in alignment.
Make sure that your childhood wounds are tended to, that
you're not flying off the handle and emotionally disregulated, anxious, angry,
(38:28):
so on, so forth, And then make sure panel number three,
which is a very significant panel as they all are,
that your negative core beliefs are in check. So panel
three are those negative core beliefs that we believe in
because our parents, our society, our teachers are caregivers ingrain
(38:54):
into us negative core beliefs like you're fat, you're ugly,
you're not good enough, you're lazy, you're stupid, you shouldn't
have been born. I mean, if you're walking around with
core beliefs like that, you don't really belong in a
relationship yet because you can't lean on somebody to erase
(39:17):
your negative core beliefs for you. On the contrary, they're
probably going to trigger your core beliefs. So if you
haven't attended to your childhood wounds, which then encode into
core beliefs, they're going to be terribly triggered in a relationship.
(39:38):
So if you have issues with abandonment. You're probably going
to feel abandoned every time your partner doesn't call you,
you know, eight times a day. If you feel ugly,
then you're not going to feel beautiful. Even though your
partner nor might tell you twenty times a day how
beautiful you are, just doesn't register. And then they're going
(40:01):
to feel like, gosh, I don't know why. No matter
what I do or say, no matter how much effort
I make into making this person feel good and attractive,
they just don't feel good about themselves. It's not their job.
So that's what I mean by doing the work. You know,
I don't just mean do the work. Do the work.
(40:22):
I mean like, really do the work and figure out
what blueprinted you, how you reacted to it, how you
encoded all that garbage. Because your relationship is going to
be stirring up your wounds and your reactions and your encodings.
And once they stir up, guess where you will be
(40:45):
in a relationship. You will be a panel four five, six,
which is chaos, defenses, and breakdowns. So this is the
panel that reveals your unwork life. Okay, if you don't
do the work, you're going to end up in chaos.
(41:05):
That's the drug addict that gets unraveled because they just
you know, they're not doing too well controlling their addiction,
or the chaos from bad finances because you haven't been
paying the bills. And then what happens when you're in
chaos is that those defense mechanisms come up. So if
(41:28):
you and your partner, who are now together for the
wrong reasons, are not happy, are not managing life very well,
then your defenses are going to rule the coup. Okay.
So one will be in one room and isolationism will
take place, or somebody will be using substances or be
(41:51):
on the cell phone all day, or having an affair
or watching porn. And that's where things take a really
bad turn because these defense mechanisms they don't last. They crack, okay,
and once they crack, breakdown. So let's take a look
at panel number six. So this is where the breakdown
(42:14):
of the relationship occurs. So that's where the breakup the divorce.
One says to the other, you know, I've been tolerating
your lack of ability to pay the bills, or I've
been tolerating your ill health with you doing nothing about it.
But no more and the last thing you want to
(42:36):
do is to get to that point, so you know, truly, truly,
Dating advice number five or six is pick a growth partner.
Somebody that can own their own stuff. Somebody who's willing
to sit down with you and have deep, meaningful discussions
(42:58):
about things that are working and not working and really
lay it on the table. Somebody who values the we,
not just the me. Okay, So a relationship should have
the ability to support the two needs, but they should
also have the ability to develop what I call a
(43:20):
third entity, which is the wei, which takes me to
panel number six seven, sorry, seven, this is the synergy panel.
This is where you want to be in a relationship.
So dating advice number six is make sure you are
(43:42):
a growth partner. And you pick a growth partner, someone
who is willing to say to themselves, you know what,
he or she is right, this is not healthy for us.
And so I'm not going to be a stubborn ism
(44:03):
and stay steeped in my own squat and do whatever
I want because it arose the relationship. So the value
system is on the WII, not just the defense mechanism
that keeps them isolated or insulated or protected or whatever.
They have to have the ability to challenge their own defenses,
(44:28):
to be able to challenge that which does not work
for them and ultimately for the relationship. So if you
look at panel number seven, you're going to see something
way different than panel number one, which is a bunch
of dark shadows. You're going to see that the relationship
(44:50):
actually creates light. So whoever you're with has to be
this person one plus one is greater than two. And
that's the only relationship I'm interested in. Is somebody that
adds light to my light, as do I add light
to the person's life. So very very important. What doesn't
(45:15):
belong in panel number seven again are deal breakers. Okay,
deal breakers are anything from different religion that is not tolerated,
different politics. Again the emphasises are not tolerated. You know,
I don't want to be with somebody that's a different religion.
(45:38):
I want to be with this religion. Well, if you're
that set on it, then only pick from the pool
of people that fit that if you want to If
you're in political party and you don't want to date
another person from another political party, well then don't worry
about it. Just state somebody that fits your politics. If
the philosophically you have a certain way of seeing things
(46:00):
and living, don't worry about it. Just pick somebody that's
in alignment. And again, if you don't think that what
you're picking for yourself is good for you, then you
might have to disalign from alignments that you thought were
(46:20):
good for you and give them up so that you
can reshuffle the deck and that you can add more
light to yourself, which will add more light to the relationship.
So ultimately, what do you want. You want a growth partner.
You want somebody that is not a deal breaker. You know,
I often ask people how many deal breakers does it
(46:41):
take to break a deal? And the answer is one.
You know, if I'm I like it. In to real estate,
I love real estate, love used to love flipping homes
and buildings and so on. However, there was one deal
breaker in other words, that the foundation was cracked, or
(47:05):
if it was sitting on a toxic I don't know,
toxic minefield or something I don't want the property, or
if the property is so expensive to upkeep more than
the income, I don't want it. Okay, So that's another
thing you want to think of. Write out your deal
(47:28):
breakers before you get charmed by the person because it's
amazing how good sex, good looks, good, money, good, anything
can win you over away from your values. Okay, So
you don't want to give up your values for some
(47:50):
temporary fix. So that's dating advice number six or seven
something like that. Okay, growth partner, your values have to align.
They can't. They can't have deal breakers because even though
you might say love always wins m M, it doesn't.
(48:15):
It doesn't. And and if we go to panel number eight,
you can see that it's a panel that is it's evolutionary.
You want somebody that's going to evolve, somebody who is
going to hold your hands as you rise, someone who's
going to appreciate you when you make great progress in
(48:38):
your life. And by the same token, you're going to
pull that person up also because there's going to be
times during your relationship where your health needs extra support,
where your emotions need extra support, where extended family needs
extra support. Which brings me to another great point, which
(49:01):
is make sure that your extended families are in checks.
So you don't want mother in law, father in law, sister, brother,
and uncle spoiling your your choice unless they have a
good point and if they do have a good point,
listen to them. Okay, was that another question?
Speaker 2 (49:23):
We do have another question? Let me find out here.
Let me scroll up on our YouTube channel. Thank you
everybody for tuning in. Oh let's see it is. Where
did you go?
Speaker 1 (49:38):
M mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
Did they delete it?
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Did they delete it?
Speaker 2 (49:46):
Maybe they did?
Speaker 1 (49:47):
Oh? Here it is?
Speaker 3 (49:48):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
Sorry, okay? How do you how do you think people
should actually ask about long term goals on the first eight?
Is that too? Is that going to be too intense
for the other person?
Speaker 1 (50:05):
No, I don't think so. I'm more about asking the
right questions. I mean, you don't want it to be
a full on interview, but you know, you might want
to put out there I'm dating to be in a relationship.
I'm not just dating to have fun. I just want
to make sure that we're on the same page. And
(50:25):
you know, again, if religion and politics and finances and
goals for family are off base, you want to end
it right there. Why why should you waste another bit
of your mind, thoughts, intentions on somebody that's just not
(50:48):
the right fit. So I would, I would, I would
ask questions. But then again, I'm a psychologist, so you.
Speaker 2 (50:55):
Know, I ask questions, how does that work? Do people
get intimidated that you're a psychologist?
Speaker 1 (51:03):
Do they? If they do, they're not for me, are they?
Speaker 2 (51:06):
That's true? That's true?
Speaker 1 (51:08):
So you know, I hope that's not all I am.
I mean, sure, I'm a psychologist. I think analytically, but
there's so many aspects of me that you know, I don't.
I don't come with hi, I'm a psychologist. Have a precession?
Speaker 3 (51:24):
Now have a you know, you know I have see No,
I mean, I'm I'm a human being, and and you know,
I want to engage with somebody that's going to be
interesting and supportive and a good soul, a good good person.
Speaker 1 (51:42):
Dog lover of course my dogs. See he heard me?
There he is there is Samson. Hi Samson, Hi Samson.
Did you hear that? And this is the definition of
unconditional love right here? This big furry, loving and annoying
(52:07):
and all of the above. But I do love them.
And then I've got the shepherd, Sarah, the shepherd, who
is a fantastic dog. She guards me and we have
fun together. And yeah, so again, you know, make sure
that you're not wasting your time. I think you have
every right you know, if you go into a grocery store,
(52:30):
don't you have a right to ask what the ingredients
are stated on the label. Don't you have a right
to know the price of it. Don't you have the
right to know if it's organic? Don't you have the
right so you have the right to know. Don't take
that right away from yourself. Don't play a child's game
(52:53):
of ooh, we're having so much fun. I mean, that's
a great start. But if you're having so much fun
and then date number ten, you discover that you're way
off base with your philosophies. Forget it. You've just wasted
ten dates. Why why do that to yourself?
Speaker 2 (53:12):
Somebody? Actually this kind of goes to why wait? It
says you often say we should look at red or
look for red flags early, and that then they ask,
could you give an example of a red flag? Most
people excuse away at first.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
I think one, I don't know why, in no particular order.
If somebody is late for a date, I mean like.
Speaker 2 (53:37):
Really really late, and oh that drives me crazy.
Speaker 1 (53:40):
They're running late. You know, it shows a disrespective of time.
If somebody is dressed disheveled for the first date, I
don't think that's very respectful. If trying to think, you know,
like like real easy things. If they're mean to the waiter,
(54:03):
no thanks, No, I don't. I don't want them as
a full time partner. No, those kinds of things, and
your gut will pick up on it. It's just something
that goes Oh. You know, also look for green flag.
Somebody that is helpful and cordial and nice to the
(54:24):
people who serve them and kind to you. And even
if there's a disagreement, they know how to conduct the
conversation so that it's not a disconnect, it's an exchange
of ideas. So you want to look for those things.
Should we continue this topic? It seems like a really
good one for people.
Speaker 2 (54:45):
Yeah, a lot of people have definitely liked this topic.
I think, you know, everybody's out there trying to find
love or trying to find a connection.
Speaker 1 (54:56):
And absolutely, and you know, I think starting with be
the best of the best of yourself, and then see
who you attract, Okay, and if it's nobody, then don't
downgrade to not be lonely unless you want to just
(55:16):
fill in your hole in the soul once in a
while with a movie. And you know, We all have
friends that you know that are not going to be
our very besties, and maybe you don't satisfy all areas
of our life, but you know they're fun to have
dinner with once every once in a while, or go
to the movies with, or discuss I don't know. Yeah,
(55:40):
nobody's going to be one hundred percent. But don't don't settle,
please for a deal breaker, because even if you do,
it'll break and then you'll be on my couch with
your emotional ouch and you know, boxes of tissues, and
I don't want to see.
Speaker 2 (56:00):
That with your emotional outshold like that. Yeah, So I.
Speaker 1 (56:09):
Want to end with saying something that I was going
to say. Oh, I'm discounting the healing from narcissistic abuse
to one hundred and ninety nine dollars, so please grab it.
I mean, speaking of not wanting to carry around your
childhood wounds, it's not that expensive to buy my video
(56:32):
and have me walk you through all of the panels
and help you paradigm shift out of your mess so
that you don't be a narcissist, attract a narcissist, be
a people pleaser, or do what I call the what
the Freud repetitive patterns that get you nowhere. So that's
(56:52):
there for you, and then we're going to be doing
more work around mind mapping your future. So my orientation
is shifting from healing childhood wounds, but now it's healing
childhood wounds in order for you to be the cause
of better outcomes for your life. Okay, So if you
(57:13):
want to talk to me, or you want to talk
to doctor Perry who's up on my website, or Christiana Davidson.
Especially doctor Perry loves doing mind map your Future. As
a matter of fact, we created the whole mind Map
your Future together. So I'm the one that is really
(57:34):
deeply involved in healing the wounds of childhood, and then
he's the one that helps people to take that next
step and become the best of their best. So with that,
I want to thank everyone and thank you for all
the great questions and to be continued. Good night everyone.
(58:07):
Medially dub it is bad. Medially met adub it is bad.
Medial doub
Hello, everything, and thank you for so much for training
in Doctor Judy, doctor g d wt AP. And I'm
about to get more unpopular because I'm going to be
giving out unpopular dating advice that you're not going to
be too happy about. But you know, then again, I
am a psychologist. I am interested in healing human disconnect
(01:01):
and I'm interested in making sure that you don't get
heartbroken after you pair up with the wrong person for
the wrong reasons. And so I'd rather hit you with
unpopular dating advice rather than see you in my office
and with a box of tissues or two boxes or
three or four or five of them. So let's dive
(01:24):
right into it. And this is a call in show everyone.
I just want to make sure that if you do
call in, you're going to keep the topic relevant. And
if I feel that you're getting off topic, I'll ask
you to get back on topic, and if you can't,
then I'm going to have to let you go. So
do call in. I don't want to discourage anyone from
calling in because I'd rather talk to a live person
(01:47):
than just keep lecturing on and on and on. So
the number is three two three, five, two four two
five nine nine and I'm sure you have heard a
lot of dating advice out there. I lean toward what
most people would consider conservative, and so I'll just put
it out there. I'm just not a fan of casual sex.
(02:11):
There's nothing casual about it. If you want entertainment, I
guess you can turn the TV on or Netflix, or
I guess some people turn pooring on, which is not
really a great way to groom yourself for intimacy. I
recognize that it does exist, and it is a problem.
(02:31):
So the best dating advice is to be the person
that other people want to date, and that even you
would want to date. So let's say you're sloppy and dirty.
Would you want to date a sloppy and dirty person.
Let's say that you're broken, not really fixed on improving
(02:52):
your financial situation and upping your level. Would you want
to date such a person? Let's say you don't take
care of your nails or your skin, or you dress
you dress some I don't know below par Do you
want to date such a person? Let's say your bread smells,
(03:13):
you know, don't forget that. I also am a Paul
Mitchell graduate, so I'm into hair and nails and all
of that. Grooming kind of stuff. So it's going to
seep into this program. But it is important because the
way that you present yourself is going to either turn
people away or turn people towards you, and you want
(03:36):
to make sure that you're the best of your best.
So we're going to dive into some childhood wounds that
set up your blueprint for not such great outcomes and
for choices that are not so favorable, and so let's
dive into them. So let's take a look at your
blueprint and see how that's looking. Because if your blueprint
(03:59):
is then you're probably gonna pick partners that are that
are less than good for your heart, good for your soul,
good for your mind, good for your future. So let's
take a look at see what these childhood wounds are
all about and how they affect your psyche and ultimately
(04:22):
how they affect your dating choice and your life partner choice.
The most important decision that you can make in a
lifetime is choosing the right partner. Now, that is a
huge weight on anybody's shoulders because if you choose the
(04:44):
wrong partner, it can cost you big time. It'll cost
you money to get divorced, it'll cost you emotions to
get therapy and other healing methods, because it does take
a toll on your mind, body, soul. It'll cost your
family because they've now gotten close to the person that
(05:06):
you're not going to be with any longer. It'll cost
your children, if you have any, because they're now going
to have to go through the divorce along with you
as well. And then there are custody arrangements and kids
being shuffled back and forth, and you know, you just
let's just avoid that if you can. If you've been
(05:27):
through that, then I get it. You've been through that,
so now you're still alive, you're still kicking. You want
to make sure that who you pick is going to
be relationship ready and will be somebody that adds to
your life and not detracts from your life. So let's
(05:47):
put the mind map up and let's get into some
blueprint details here. If you look at panel number one,
you will see the light. The light is your potential.
The light is the best, your best. It's you dating ready, okay,
relationship ready. You've done the work, You've healed your wounds,
(06:09):
you're showing up. You have integrity, you've got e FX,
you've got morals, you've got a lifestyle that welcomes another
human being. In other words, you've got your act together. Okay.
The shadows, on the other hand, are all the things
that disconnect you from your light. So what in your
(06:34):
blueprint can disconnect you from being the best partner you
could possibly be. Well, there are tons of things, so
let's just get into it. So let's say that you
were raised by alcoholic parents. Well, that's going to put
a damper on things, because, for one, your relationship with
(06:54):
alcohol could be in the normalized dreams. So if you
meet somebody that's a drinker, you yourself have blueprinted off
of that habit and addiction. Now you're going to be
attracting somebody with like kind habit and addiction. And so
(07:14):
I've talked about this before, but I'm really strong on
this point. Any kind of drug is a human disconnect,
whether it be smoking, which I'm getting more into stop
Smoking and re vitalizing my book Kick It, which should
be out hopefully in the next few months and available
for you at Amazon dot com, or alcohol or any really,
(07:38):
any kind of drug is a human disconnect because it
takes you away from the person. It acts as a
defense mechanism and a shield. And also because it's a
defense mechanism, people tend to not really get close to
(08:00):
you because if they do get close to you and
you find that there's a problem of any sort there,
then you might want to resort to your defense mechanism
to keep you safe quote safe from the pain, rather
than do what evolved people do, which is talk it
out and figure it out and find a way to reconnect.
(08:25):
So you can see that the shadow of any kind
of drug from your past, your household, your mother, your father,
can actually prepare you to not be a very good partner.
Who out there has been with a partner that's been
maybe a really nice person, but you know, they disappear
(08:47):
into their martinis in the evening, or they smoke so
much weed that they're just in a fog, or they're
smoking cigarettes and they smell bad, and you don't really
want to kiss them, and you don't even want to
get very close to them at all. So these are
the things that disconnect us from our partners, and we
(09:09):
don't want to be those people because you know, even
though you might be used to your drug of choice
or your disconnection of choice, the other person may not
like it, and I'll put cell phones in there as well,
because cell phones have become a tremendously distracting distractor and
(09:30):
defense mechanism and human disconnect. So we want to make
sure that we are available. And if our parents were
not nurturing, if they were not emotionally available, if they
were not people who would give us a sense of stability,
eye contacts, skin contact, a sense of trust and reliability,
(09:56):
then we don't have what doctor John Bowlby refers to
as stable secure attachment. And if you don't have stable
secure attachment, you'll either be the one destabilizing the relationship,
or you will pick people who destabilize your relationship, or
(10:17):
both of you will. So not a good way to
enter into a partnership. So unpopular dating advice number one,
Please check your addictions at the dating door and make
sure that you're emotionally and psychologically and soulfully, spiritually and
(10:39):
physically available to the person, and if you're not, attend
to it at least enough so that most of your
life is drug free, if not all of your life,
and that you're really a partner that is connectable with
and not a human and disconnect. Okay, So let's move
(11:02):
on to other things. So you know that I specialize
in narcissism. So the last thing you need is a
narcissist in your life. And how are you going to
get a narcissist is by being a people pleaser. So
if you're a people pleaser, if you're naive and vulnerable,
then you're setting yourself up for a partner who, instead
(11:24):
of connecting with you, will be using you to extract
from you their narcissistic supply, whether it be your money,
or your beauty, or your youth, or your ideas, or
your security, or your naivete whatever that happens to be.
(11:45):
So how did you get set up to be such
a sucker? Well, somewhere in your blueprint you must have
learned from your family of origin that the way to
mommy's or daddy's heart is to please them and abandon
yourself in exchange for their love. So this is something
(12:08):
that I want to caution you about. So dating advice
number two is never abandon yourself for your partner, because
if you have to abandon yourself for your partner, then
you're going to become smaller. They're going to live that
off of your land. So to speak, and who's going
to be diminished in the relationship, actually both of you,
(12:31):
because that partner is not going to grow. They're just
sort of bloodsucking off of you like a vampire. And
you're certainly not going to grow because you're going to
be sucked from and you're going to get smaller and
smaller and weaker and more dependent. So what you want
to do dating advice is to heal myself, heal your
(12:53):
own childhood wounds so that you're not susceptible to people
who are going to use you and use you and
set you up for the opposite of a synergistic relationship,
meaning one plus one will end up being less than
(13:13):
And what do we have there? A question? Sure? I
will take a question. Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
This is an interesting question because I think a lot
of people may be experiencing this. What's your opinion on
dating multiple people at once at the beginning? Is it
helpful or is it setting up you for more drama?
Speaker 1 (13:36):
I don't know. I mean have two thoughts, okay, I'll
split myself into hey. One is that if you're not
in a committed thing with them, I think it's okay
to explore various people and find out what they're about,
and see if you guys are on the same page.
On the other hand, it can get confusing. I think
(13:57):
once you find somebody that is a good egg, okay,
a good candidate, I would focus on that person as
long as he or she is focused on you as well,
so that would look like you meet the person you say, wait,
this is you know, We've got some good stuff happening here.
(14:20):
Let's check this out, and let's not throw confusion into
this beautiful start and keep going and keep going deeper
and getting to know each other. Because when you get
too embroiled and too many people, you know, first of all,
you start calling the person honey or babe because you
(14:42):
don't even know who's on the other end of the phone.
So generically you'll start treating them like hi, sweetie, Hi baby,
Hi honey, okay, And that's kind of like a defense
mechanism against wait, are you Mary, or are you Joe?
Or are you Sarah? Or I forgot you know, I forgot.
(15:04):
So that's not a really good feeling. So I do
think that if you meet somebody of quality, try to
focus on that person. But I do understand that at
the beginning you want to go out there and mix
and mingle and meet different people, but just don't call
it dating. Don't call it dating, call it befriending or
(15:29):
acquaintancing with that person. The minute you start getting mushy, sexual, kissing, physical,
that's dating. And I don't really recommend that. I really
don't recommend bringing in the physical before the other elements align,
(15:49):
And especially especially if you're younger, it's not a good
idea because we're loaded with hormones. The oxytocin and all
that hormonal is going to blind you, guys, and you'll
be seeing their beauty and smelling their pheromones and getting
addicted to all that physical stuff, which is beautiful and
(16:12):
great as long as the character behind the chemistry creates
a potential for something valuable and meaningful. So that's my
dating advice number three. I think I'm losing track here.
Do not get physical until you have a commitment. I
(16:36):
know that sounds so old fashioned, but you know what,
what isn't old fashioned? Our tears and boxes of Kleenex
and therapy and crying about being broken hearted and assuming
that you were more special to the person than you
actually were. And that's not old fashion. That's just how
(17:00):
it goes for many, many, many, many many years. People
make assumptions. Oh wow, he took me out to great
dinner or told me how beautiful I am, or she
made it very obvious that she really wanted to spend
time with me. Well, don't assume anything, Okay, don't assume anything,
(17:25):
and do not bring it to a physical level until
you discover who is that person. It's kind of like
reading the labels, okay with you. Now that I'm into
eating healthy, I don't want to put anything into my
body unless I know what's in it. So it's the
same thing with a person. You don't want to start
(17:47):
shacking up with that person until you know what's in it.
So what's in the person is all their blueprints from
their parents, whether they're sloppy or neat, or clean or
educated or monogamously oriented, or free of drugs or not
free of drugs, or they have a certain religion or
(18:11):
certain political leaning or a certain belief system. Unless you
have dealt with all of the deal breakers, what's the
point of putting yourself into a deep, committed anything with them.
It's dumb in my opinion, and you're free to debate
(18:35):
me if you want. But you know, I've interviewed a
lot of people, I've treated a lot of people, I've
lived a long life, and I think it's really really
dumb to sink your heart into somebody that hasn't also
committed to you. So it's got to be mutual, meaning
(18:57):
one plus one is greater than two. Okay, it's synergistic
as opposed to vampiring. That's how I like to see it.
So if you go back to panel number one, there's
so many things there. You know, the blueprint of your
home environment. Is it a home environment that's peaceful and
(19:20):
safe or is it a chaotic home environment? Are your
parents still together? Do you have peace with your siblings?
Do you have peace with your ex relationships? Or are
they still nag nagging you and on your mind? Are
you still hoping that you're going to get a call
(19:41):
from your X person who cheated on you or betrayed
you in some way. If you're in that space, I
get it. You have feelings toward the person you allowed
yourself to sink yourself deep into the person. However, no
matter how much you love that par, no matter how
attractive you are to that person, it's not going to
(20:05):
change their character. You are not going to change anybody's character.
I mean me as a psychologist, people pay me to
help them make long term character logic changes, and that
takes education and a certain methodology which many of you know.
(20:26):
I use my mind map system to delve into childhood wounds, reactions,
and how things are encoded so that we can literally
decode your past and recode your future. So you know,
you're not going to change anyone. So if anybody is
going to do the changing, the person is going to
(20:46):
have to be self motivated to give up smoking or alcohol,
or get a job, or get more education, or become
more of a person of integrity, or be livable with
because they're neater and cleaner and more organized and keep
(21:08):
their word and show up and so on. Don't we
all want people who have integrity and show up and
smell good for the bare minimum right, take care of
their oral hygiene, work out, and eat properly. I mean, sure,
there are lots of millions of people walking around overweight
(21:29):
and not really carrying what they put into their bodies.
But if you do, why would you want to be
with somebody who doesn't? It's going to create tension. It's
going to create a rift in your relationship. If you're
sitting there eating organic food and they're crunching on taco
(21:52):
bells and drinking Coca cola and beer, that should be
indicative that your lifestyles different. And not not to say
that you can't make a deal, and you know, I
guess people do, but it's indicative because it's philosophically misaligned.
(22:13):
You know, you're, let's say, philosophically on the track of
being healthier and the person next to you isn't. And
that has long term consequences. And so it might look
cute to you know, wipe up their their slurpy off
of their chin, but you know, what's it doing inside
(22:36):
their body? What's it corroding? What kind of cholesterol level
is hyping up there, what kind of fatty liver is
being developed there? What kind of you know, diabetic coma
are they going to end up in if they're all
sugared out and all carved out, And what kind of
shape is their body going to be in after years
(22:59):
and years of abusing food and other substances. So who
they are and what they do matters a lot. Specifically,
if you're going to have children, you don't want a
role model that you will resent. So dating advice number
(23:19):
I think we're on four something like that, don't marry
somebody that you don't want to have as the parent
of your child. It's going to be a wreck because
you guys are not going to be on the same page.
You're going to be giving your children mixed messages. And
let's say somebody is super sloppy and the other one's
(23:41):
super tidy. What's your kid seeing? Well, they're going to
use the sloppy parent as a role model to say,
you know, mom or dad, or you know, see, I
could do whatever I want. My other parent does, so
why can't I? And there will be no level of
consistency and the role modeling will be canceling each other out.
(24:06):
So that's dating rule number four is, don't date somebody
that you don't want to be the role model for
your your child or children or future children. Okay, any
other questions.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Or comments, Yes, we do have another question, and we'd
love to have you call in three two three, five, two, four,
two five, nine nine. I know it gets you get
a little timid sometimes to talk live to doctor Judy,
but you don't have to use your name, and we'd
love to hear from you. But here's a question. How
(24:45):
do I handle if? How do you handle if you
know that they're not the one, but you're just afraid
of being alone?
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Well you have to ask yourself, are you more afraid
of being alone or are you more afraid of being
in a horrible relationship. Something's going to win out there.
So I like to extrapolate. I mean, I'm single for
a reason, you know. I think what's happening to me
is the older I get, the more I really want,
(25:20):
desire and demand a synergistic partner. You know, I'm educated.
I try hard in life. I try to brush my
teeth and wash my hair and go to the gym
and develop hobbies. I keep a nice home. I've got
great dogs. I think you could see one of them
(25:40):
in the background. They're while taken care of. I'm a
pretty good mother. I think I can ask my kids.
I suppose I'm a great grandmother. I know that, and
I bring a lot to the table. And so why
would I want to be with somebody who comes home
wrong or wants to spend the day, you know, eating
(26:06):
pizza or CouchSurfing. I mean a little of that is okay.
I'm not gonna say, hey, you know you've got to
be me or live exactly like me, but something in there.
So I've learned. I'll just share a little bit about
my story. I've learned that I don't love being alone.
(26:27):
I'm a very, very social creature. I would love to
have a fabulous partner, for sure. Okay, but unless they
are really somebody that I have trust in, that I
have some level of attraction to. And I don't only
mean physical, I mean that I'm spiritually attracted to them.
(26:52):
I'm mentally attracted to them. They have the same or
somewhat of a weird humor as I do, because I
could get really busy are so I have my must LISTSA.
They must love dogs. I mean, come on, I've got
two beautiful dogs. They drive me crazy. But you know
they must love dogs, because I don't see that I
(27:13):
would be giving up my dogs ever. To make a
relationship work, they must be somewhat neat and clean. They've
got to be motivated, if not college educated, life educated.
They have to have honesty and integrity. I want to
be able to trust this partner. I want my partner
(27:34):
to be obviously monogamous because I don't want to worry
that I have competition. I want to know that I'm
a meaningful growth partner as they are to me. So
those are just some of my my requirements. And so
I want you to get dating ready by describing your
(27:59):
requirements and rather than shoehorn the person to fit to
who they are into your life, why don't you define
what you need, like really really need for your life.
And that's dating advice number five. Don't make the person
that rap. What do they say, the square peg fit
(28:22):
into the round hole? Okay, make sure that you guys
are aligned and not sort of tweaking the relationship. So
somehow it works because you're afraid of being alone. And
if you are afraid of being alone, use that time
to develop yourself. I'm using the time to take art
(28:43):
classes and go to the gym and get my diet
right and get healthy and get involved with as much
as I can get involved with. And I'm a projects person.
I'd love finishing my kick It Stop Smoking book. I'm
working on that and that's really cool for me because
I wrote a book called kick It back in the
(29:06):
nineteen eighties that sold over a quarter of a million copies.
And now the next version is going to be deeper
and more psychological, and we'll talk about how smoking fills
a hole in your soul, as does any drug, as
does any person. So if you're not with the right person,
all they're doing is filling a hole in your soul.
(29:29):
So they're not fulfilling you. They're just filling you. And
if you need company and you find somebody that's good
enough company, well, you know, see them once or twice
a week, go to the movies with them, eat dinner
with them, but certainly don't bring them full on board
(29:49):
the relationship if they've got too much baggage, or if
their baggage doesn't fit neatly into your what's that called
the overhead compartment or whatever they call that. So this again,
you know, this is a huge decision, and you don't
(30:11):
want to just casually invite people into your life just
because you've had a good moment with them or good
discussion with them, or they're sexy or cute, or rich
or drive a great car. I mean, those things are
nice to have and certainly indicative of people who maybe
(30:33):
try hard to dress well which is a good thing.
Or have a job and make money, which is a
good thing. But that's not all there is. If you
could just see yourself sitting comfortably with them in any environment,
in any environment, and just love their touch and love
(30:59):
their essence and love their mind and feel like, oh,
I'm comfortable, I'm home. Maybe that's what my dogs are
trying to show me as how comfortable and at home
and natural and unconditionally loving I am to them as
they are to me. And maybe that's my role model
(31:22):
for parts of a relationship, right, that they should feel
that unconditionally relaxing and at home and natural. And do
we have another question?
Speaker 2 (31:38):
We sure do? Okay, So it says, should you ever
give someone a second chance after they lie early on?
And is that or is that a hard no, especially
on the first date, you know, if they've.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Had some sort of a character logical change. If somebody
comes to you and says, look, I'm really, really, really
ashamed of who I've been being. So you know, I'm
not a fan of apologies because an apology is just
sort of like an eraser. Oh I'm sorry I cheated,
Oh I'm sorry I didn't show up. Oh I'm sorry,
(32:17):
I'm drunk again. I'm sorry. Yeah, but I'm sorry doesn't
create change, does it. It doesn't create a transformation. So
if that person is truly owning their own stuff, which
is a good sign for any relationship, if they've done
the work, if they're truly not proud of who they
(32:38):
have been being, and you guys value each other enough
and value the relationship enough to make sure that that
which broke it isn't going to keep rebreaking it, you know,
only under those circumstances. And that's not to be taken lightly.
(33:00):
Because once a person has a character logic flaw, it's
really really hard to say sorry, never do that again.
You know, it becomes like a ticking bomb. Right if
the person's a cheater, then unless they can really say, hey,
(33:21):
you know, I've done the work, that's just not something
that I want to bring into the next part of
my life. I've had a real breakthrough on this. You
don't you don't want them back because what's what's back
is backwards. Okay, you don't want them back because you
don't want to go backwards. Once you've discovered discovered the
fatal flaw, do you want the fatal flaw back in
(33:44):
your life because it might bring you joy and comfort
to know that your love of your life is back.
But if your love of your life isn't enhancing the
quality of your life, then that's not the love of
your life. That's not somebody that really really is going
to care about you. They're going to care about themselves.
(34:06):
They're going to care that they're back in your life
because they didn't want to lose you where you're the
best sex they ever had, or you know, they want
you back because they don't want to pay the child
support or want to they don't want to be away
from their kids or something, you know, some reason other
than a deep and meaningful relationship with you. So I'd
(34:32):
be really, really cautious about taking somebody back again. It
depends on the reason, does depend on how much work
they've done, And I wouldn't just automatically give them a
pass card back into my life. I would want to
vet them and make sure that this is for real,
(34:56):
because you know, it's true, some people do make shifts,
and we have to we have to consider that there's
room for that. It's just that they really do have
to make the shifts. Okay, does that make sense? To everybody. Okay,
so so far we've got panel one, all the wounds
(35:20):
that you printed off of your family of origin, and
what are you carrying into the relationship based on your past?
And have you done the work? And if you're still
copycatting your parents' addictions and their sloppiness and their bad
money management and disloyalty and cheating, and you know, get
(35:43):
back in there, get back and paddle one and do
the work. Okay. So Panel two is about the amygdala.
The amygdala is the primitive brain. So that's the fight flight,
freeze fawn. So everybody gets angry and nervous and upset.
But do you want your partner to cool you down
(36:06):
or do you want your partner to heat you up?
I guess it depends on what we mean is sexually,
of course you want them to heat you up. But
in terms of your mood and your emotionality, if you're
not in a good way, which definitely people crack up, Okay,
they definitely go ballistic at times. You want your partner
(36:32):
to dial you down. Of course, it's your responsibility to
dial yourself down as much as possible. One of the
reasons I'm divorced is because when tragedies happened or important
events happened in my life, my ex was not there
to soothe me at all. On the contrary, he was
(36:55):
just not there emotionally. It was a real human disconnect.
Although everything was right on paper in my emotional life,
there was not a deep connection of caring and being
there for the other partners. So that can leave one
feeling very alone and abandoned. So what I learned is
(37:19):
that you know, back to your question, is it better
to be alone or with the wrong partner? I have
to say I have never felt so alone in my
life as being with the wrong partner. You know, there
have been partners where I didn't feel alone, but I
didn't feel alone because of all their chaos. But that
wasn't a good not feeling alone. So do you want
(37:39):
to feel alone disconnected and be with somebody? Do you
want to feel not alone because it's filled with chaos
and crazy? You won't feel alone, but you'll just feel
chaotic and crazy. Do you want to feel not alone
because you have somebody to keep you company and watch
TV with? Okay, get a dog, all right? So I'm
(38:05):
saying trust the universe and trust that there is somebody
out there that will synergize with you. But before you
look for that person, make sure that you're in alignment.
Make sure that your childhood wounds are tended to, that
you're not flying off the handle and emotionally disregulated, anxious, angry,
(38:28):
so on, so forth, And then make sure panel number three,
which is a very significant panel as they all are,
that your negative core beliefs are in check. So panel
three are those negative core beliefs that we believe in
because our parents, our society, our teachers are caregivers ingrain
(38:54):
into us negative core beliefs like you're fat, you're ugly,
you're not good enough, you're lazy, you're stupid, you shouldn't
have been born. I mean, if you're walking around with
core beliefs like that, you don't really belong in a
relationship yet because you can't lean on somebody to erase
(39:17):
your negative core beliefs for you. On the contrary, they're
probably going to trigger your core beliefs. So if you
haven't attended to your childhood wounds, which then encode into
core beliefs, they're going to be terribly triggered in a relationship.
(39:38):
So if you have issues with abandonment. You're probably going
to feel abandoned every time your partner doesn't call you,
you know, eight times a day. If you feel ugly,
then you're not going to feel beautiful. Even though your
partner nor might tell you twenty times a day how
beautiful you are, just doesn't register. And then they're going
(40:01):
to feel like, gosh, I don't know why. No matter
what I do or say, no matter how much effort
I make into making this person feel good and attractive,
they just don't feel good about themselves. It's not their job.
So that's what I mean by doing the work. You know,
I don't just mean do the work. Do the work.
(40:22):
I mean like, really do the work and figure out
what blueprinted you, how you reacted to it, how you
encoded all that garbage. Because your relationship is going to
be stirring up your wounds and your reactions and your encodings.
And once they stir up, guess where you will be
(40:45):
in a relationship. You will be a panel four five, six,
which is chaos, defenses, and breakdowns. So this is the
panel that reveals your unwork life. Okay, if you don't
do the work, you're going to end up in chaos.
(41:05):
That's the drug addict that gets unraveled because they just
you know, they're not doing too well controlling their addiction,
or the chaos from bad finances because you haven't been
paying the bills. And then what happens when you're in
chaos is that those defense mechanisms come up. So if
(41:28):
you and your partner, who are now together for the
wrong reasons, are not happy, are not managing life very well,
then your defenses are going to rule the coup. Okay.
So one will be in one room and isolationism will
take place, or somebody will be using substances or be
(41:51):
on the cell phone all day, or having an affair
or watching porn. And that's where things take a really
bad turn because these defense mechanisms they don't last. They crack, okay,
and once they crack, breakdown. So let's take a look
at panel number six. So this is where the breakdown
(42:14):
of the relationship occurs. So that's where the breakup the divorce.
One says to the other, you know, I've been tolerating
your lack of ability to pay the bills, or I've
been tolerating your ill health with you doing nothing about it.
But no more and the last thing you want to
(42:36):
do is to get to that point, so you know, truly, truly,
Dating advice number five or six is pick a growth partner.
Somebody that can own their own stuff. Somebody who's willing
to sit down with you and have deep, meaningful discussions
(42:58):
about things that are working and not working and really
lay it on the table. Somebody who values the we,
not just the me. Okay, So a relationship should have
the ability to support the two needs, but they should
also have the ability to develop what I call a
(43:20):
third entity, which is the wei, which takes me to
panel number six seven, sorry, seven, this is the synergy panel.
This is where you want to be in a relationship.
So dating advice number six is make sure you are
(43:42):
a growth partner. And you pick a growth partner, someone
who is willing to say to themselves, you know what,
he or she is right, this is not healthy for us.
And so I'm not going to be a stubborn ism
(44:03):
and stay steeped in my own squat and do whatever
I want because it arose the relationship. So the value
system is on the WII, not just the defense mechanism
that keeps them isolated or insulated or protected or whatever.
They have to have the ability to challenge their own defenses,
(44:28):
to be able to challenge that which does not work
for them and ultimately for the relationship. So if you
look at panel number seven, you're going to see something
way different than panel number one, which is a bunch
of dark shadows. You're going to see that the relationship
(44:50):
actually creates light. So whoever you're with has to be
this person one plus one is greater than two. And
that's the only relationship I'm interested in. Is somebody that
adds light to my light, as do I add light
to the person's life. So very very important. What doesn't
(45:15):
belong in panel number seven again are deal breakers. Okay,
deal breakers are anything from different religion that is not tolerated,
different politics. Again the emphasises are not tolerated. You know,
I don't want to be with somebody that's a different religion.
(45:38):
I want to be with this religion. Well, if you're
that set on it, then only pick from the pool
of people that fit that if you want to If
you're in political party and you don't want to date
another person from another political party, well then don't worry
about it. Just state somebody that fits your politics. If
the philosophically you have a certain way of seeing things
(46:00):
and living, don't worry about it. Just pick somebody that's
in alignment. And again, if you don't think that what
you're picking for yourself is good for you, then you
might have to disalign from alignments that you thought were
(46:20):
good for you and give them up so that you
can reshuffle the deck and that you can add more
light to yourself, which will add more light to the relationship.
So ultimately, what do you want. You want a growth partner.
You want somebody that is not a deal breaker. You know,
I often ask people how many deal breakers does it
(46:41):
take to break a deal? And the answer is one.
You know, if I'm I like it. In to real estate,
I love real estate, love used to love flipping homes
and buildings and so on. However, there was one deal
breaker in other words, that the foundation was cracked, or
(47:05):
if it was sitting on a toxic I don't know,
toxic minefield or something I don't want the property, or
if the property is so expensive to upkeep more than
the income, I don't want it. Okay, So that's another
thing you want to think of. Write out your deal
(47:28):
breakers before you get charmed by the person because it's
amazing how good sex, good looks, good, money, good, anything
can win you over away from your values. Okay, So
you don't want to give up your values for some
(47:50):
temporary fix. So that's dating advice number six or seven
something like that. Okay, growth partner, your values have to align.
They can't. They can't have deal breakers because even though
you might say love always wins m M, it doesn't.
(48:15):
It doesn't. And and if we go to panel number eight,
you can see that it's a panel that is it's evolutionary.
You want somebody that's going to evolve, somebody who is
going to hold your hands as you rise, someone who's
going to appreciate you when you make great progress in
(48:38):
your life. And by the same token, you're going to
pull that person up also because there's going to be
times during your relationship where your health needs extra support,
where your emotions need extra support, where extended family needs
extra support. Which brings me to another great point, which
(49:01):
is make sure that your extended families are in checks.
So you don't want mother in law, father in law, sister, brother,
and uncle spoiling your your choice unless they have a
good point and if they do have a good point,
listen to them. Okay, was that another question?
Speaker 2 (49:23):
We do have another question? Let me find out here.
Let me scroll up on our YouTube channel. Thank you
everybody for tuning in. Oh let's see it is. Where
did you go?
Speaker 1 (49:38):
M mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
Did they delete it?
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Did they delete it?
Speaker 2 (49:46):
Maybe they did?
Speaker 1 (49:47):
Oh? Here it is?
Speaker 3 (49:48):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
Sorry, okay? How do you how do you think people
should actually ask about long term goals on the first eight?
Is that too? Is that going to be too intense
for the other person?
Speaker 1 (50:05):
No, I don't think so. I'm more about asking the
right questions. I mean, you don't want it to be
a full on interview, but you know, you might want
to put out there I'm dating to be in a relationship.
I'm not just dating to have fun. I just want
to make sure that we're on the same page. And
(50:25):
you know, again, if religion and politics and finances and
goals for family are off base, you want to end
it right there. Why why should you waste another bit
of your mind, thoughts, intentions on somebody that's just not
(50:48):
the right fit. So I would, I would, I would
ask questions. But then again, I'm a psychologist, so you.
Speaker 2 (50:55):
Know, I ask questions, how does that work? Do people
get intimidated that you're a psychologist?
Speaker 1 (51:03):
Do they? If they do, they're not for me, are they?
Speaker 2 (51:06):
That's true? That's true?
Speaker 1 (51:08):
So you know, I hope that's not all I am.
I mean, sure, I'm a psychologist. I think analytically, but
there's so many aspects of me that you know, I don't.
I don't come with hi, I'm a psychologist. Have a precession?
Speaker 3 (51:24):
Now have a you know, you know I have see No,
I mean, I'm I'm a human being, and and you know,
I want to engage with somebody that's going to be
interesting and supportive and a good soul, a good good person.
Speaker 1 (51:42):
Dog lover of course my dogs. See he heard me?
There he is there is Samson. Hi Samson, Hi Samson.
Did you hear that? And this is the definition of
unconditional love right here? This big furry, loving and annoying
(52:07):
and all of the above. But I do love them.
And then I've got the shepherd, Sarah, the shepherd, who
is a fantastic dog. She guards me and we have
fun together. And yeah, so again, you know, make sure
that you're not wasting your time. I think you have
every right you know, if you go into a grocery store,
(52:30):
don't you have a right to ask what the ingredients
are stated on the label. Don't you have a right
to know the price of it. Don't you have the
right to know if it's organic? Don't you have the
right so you have the right to know. Don't take
that right away from yourself. Don't play a child's game
(52:53):
of ooh, we're having so much fun. I mean, that's
a great start. But if you're having so much fun
and then date number ten, you discover that you're way
off base with your philosophies. Forget it. You've just wasted
ten dates. Why why do that to yourself?
Speaker 2 (53:12):
Somebody? Actually this kind of goes to why wait? It
says you often say we should look at red or
look for red flags early, and that then they ask,
could you give an example of a red flag? Most
people excuse away at first.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
I think one, I don't know why, in no particular order.
If somebody is late for a date, I mean like.
Speaker 2 (53:37):
Really really late, and oh that drives me crazy.
Speaker 1 (53:40):
They're running late. You know, it shows a disrespective of time.
If somebody is dressed disheveled for the first date, I
don't think that's very respectful. If trying to think, you know,
like like real easy things. If they're mean to the waiter,
(54:03):
no thanks, No, I don't. I don't want them as
a full time partner. No, those kinds of things, and
your gut will pick up on it. It's just something
that goes Oh. You know, also look for green flag.
Somebody that is helpful and cordial and nice to the
(54:24):
people who serve them and kind to you. And even
if there's a disagreement, they know how to conduct the
conversation so that it's not a disconnect, it's an exchange
of ideas. So you want to look for those things.
Should we continue this topic? It seems like a really
good one for people.
Speaker 2 (54:45):
Yeah, a lot of people have definitely liked this topic.
I think, you know, everybody's out there trying to find
love or trying to find a connection.
Speaker 1 (54:56):
And absolutely, and you know, I think starting with be
the best of the best of yourself, and then see
who you attract, Okay, and if it's nobody, then don't
downgrade to not be lonely unless you want to just
(55:16):
fill in your hole in the soul once in a
while with a movie. And you know, We all have
friends that you know that are not going to be
our very besties, and maybe you don't satisfy all areas
of our life, but you know they're fun to have
dinner with once every once in a while, or go
to the movies with, or discuss I don't know. Yeah,
(55:40):
nobody's going to be one hundred percent. But don't don't settle,
please for a deal breaker, because even if you do,
it'll break and then you'll be on my couch with
your emotional ouch and you know, boxes of tissues, and
I don't want to see.
Speaker 2 (56:00):
That with your emotional outshold like that. Yeah, So I.
Speaker 1 (56:09):
Want to end with saying something that I was going
to say. Oh, I'm discounting the healing from narcissistic abuse
to one hundred and ninety nine dollars, so please grab it.
I mean, speaking of not wanting to carry around your
childhood wounds, it's not that expensive to buy my video
(56:32):
and have me walk you through all of the panels
and help you paradigm shift out of your mess so
that you don't be a narcissist, attract a narcissist, be
a people pleaser, or do what I call the what
the Freud repetitive patterns that get you nowhere. So that's
(56:52):
there for you, and then we're going to be doing
more work around mind mapping your future. So my orientation
is shifting from healing childhood wounds, but now it's healing
childhood wounds in order for you to be the cause
of better outcomes for your life. Okay, So if you
(57:13):
want to talk to me, or you want to talk
to doctor Perry who's up on my website, or Christiana Davidson.
Especially doctor Perry loves doing mind map your Future. As
a matter of fact, we created the whole mind Map
your Future together. So I'm the one that is really
(57:34):
deeply involved in healing the wounds of childhood, and then
he's the one that helps people to take that next
step and become the best of their best. So with that,
I want to thank everyone and thank you for all
the great questions and to be continued. Good night everyone.
(58:07):
Medially dub it is bad. Medially met adub it is bad.
Medial doub
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