Emotional Resilience and its Impact on Mental Health: A conversation with Dr. Jessica Hawks

In the continuation of our conversation with Dr. Jessica Hawks, a child psychology expert from Children's Hospital Colorado, we go deeper into the critical topic of emotional regulation. Tara and Dr. Hawks explore how adolescence manage stress and anxiety, how they should be managing these emotions, and the role parents play in modeling and teaching these skills.

Dr. Hawkes shares invaluable insights into:

• The natural process of learning emotional regulation and how parents can scaffold this skill.
• The difference between stress and anxiety.
• How avoidance behaviors reinforce anxiety and depression in children and teens.
• Practical strategies for parents to start meaningful conversations about emotions and mental health with their kids.

This episode emphasizes the importance of showing up for children with presence, patience, and grace, while also highlighting the need for parents to maintain their own emotional regulation.

Episode Transcript

Unknown (00:35):
Hello, everyone. Thank you for tuning in to elevate education. Today, we have a guest with us from Children's Hospital, Colorado, Dr. Jessica Hawkes, a leading expert in child psychology. So let's talk about emotional regulation. How do children manage stress, anxiety or other emotional challenges versus how should they be managing these things that they might encounter in their adolescence? Emotion regulation is one of the most important central components of a child or an adult's well-being, because if you think about it, we're actually learning to regulate from the second that we're born. And we initially rely a lot on our caregivers in our lives to regulate. We learned that when we cry, a parent responds and helps to support our needs. And then over time, we have to learn how to internalize that emotion regulation through various strategies and not rely so much on these external supports to be able to help us emotionally regulate. But early in a child's life, a parent is a critical part of that initial development and scaffolding. And so as we were talking about in early childhood, having a parent be present is one of the most important things that they can do. Modeling, effective emotion regulation is a really important strategy that a parent can use early on, but actually through your child's entire life is being able to show like I feel big emotions, too. These are some ways that I help to manage it in general. I find it really helpful to think about emotions and emotion regulation in what I what we think about as the three ends. So emotions are normal, they're natural and they're not harmful. And I think that's a really important thing to remind ourselves of, especially when we're teenagers and our emotions are just big. We have a lot of new emotions coming online. We have hormones coming online. We have complex relationships becoming more and more frequent. So big emotions are in some ways quite normal. As we enter into adolescence and we start to have these bigger emotions, they can feel really hard, they can feel really overwhelming. And so the natural tendency is to want to do something, to make them stop. And so we tend to avoid the things that cause those emotions to show up. So if I am kind of at baseline, naturally more likely to feel anxious and I start to have interactions where I feel a lot more anxiety in certain circumstances let's say, for example, I feel a lot of social anxiety or performance anxiety. School is going to be a place where I am naturally going to have a lot more anxiety come up because there are a lot of natural opportunities for that to be triggered. And so the natural tendency is to want to avoid that situation. And unfortunately, what can happen is in those natural impulses, inclinations to want to avoid, we actually reinforce the anxiety because when we go to a situation that makes us anxious and we go, Whoa, this is dangerous, this feels bad, I need to get out of here The second you leave, you feel better. So if I have social anxiety and it's Monday morning and I'm thinking about having to go to school and anxieties ramping up and ramping up, and I tell my mom or dad, I don't feel good. I don't think I can go to school today. And they say, okay, you can stay home. I immediately feel better. What that tells my brain is, wow, that was clearly the right decision to avoid that situation. I'm going to do that again the next time. And then it creates this vicious cycle where we feel actually more and more anxious because we never get the opportunity to put ourselves in those situations, to face the anxiety and realize it may not have been my favorite, I may not have been comfortable, but I actually have the ability to manage this and I can do it and then it actually gets easier the next time. So that's kind of how some of the natural. Dispositions of kids, especially that are anxious, can get worse and worse. A similar cycle can happen with depression. If I am feeling sad and depressed, it can take a lot of energy and effort to do anything. Get out of bed. Do my homework. Face the school day. Interact with my peers and teachers. That can all just feel like a lot. And a lot of times depression gets triggered by interpersonal conflict. So if I'm having a hard time with a family member or with a peer with a romantic partner, if I'm having a hard time with those relationships, I'm going to be even less likely to engage interpersonally in relationships. The more isolated I become, the less involved in life I become. In the short term, that can sometimes feel a little better. I'm just going to leave my room and scroll through Tok and I feel a lot better in that moment. But unfortunately, what happens, I actually get more and more isolated and less and less involved in life, and that can make my depression worse. So again, it's that avoidance of situations that can feel better in the short term but makes things worse in the long term. So from an emotion regulation perspective, one of the things that we have to help teach our kids to do is to act opposite to what some of those natural inclinations our big emotions might tell us to do. So if I have this tendency to want to avoid acting, opposite means I actually have to lean into those situations and face those hard things, because the more I do that, the more my ability to regulate those big emotions becomes. I'm wondering if there are conversation starters or really safe entry points for parents to begin to have a conversation with their child so that they don't shut down. How might how might parents, you know, invite a conversation to say, hey, kiddo, you know, I've noticed some changes or I'm worried how, you know, with some advice or a way in which, you know, a parent might might open that door for that conversation with their child. Yeah. Yeah, you're absolutely right. What I would encourage is any parent listening to this podcast, regardless of whether or not your child is struggling or not. Start having conversations today. We don't want to wait to have these conversations until our kids are struggling. We really want to think about this as part of the fabric of your family and that kind of day to day interactions that you have with your kid. We know that one of the most protective factors against kid's mental health is having having a kid's mental health worsen, is eating a meal as a family. And it's not the eating together so much. That is the protection. It's the fact that it creates this consistent place where the family is coming together, that you can have conversations exactly like this. You can ask your child, how was your day? What was hard about today? What was good about today? You have opportunities to start those conversations where they can then also think about how to support their kids as they're navigating various things that are going on in their lives. So the most important thing is just much like we talked about it, beginning, being present. Turning the TV off, turning off all the distractions. But in this situation, rather than doing maybe that non directed play, you're having a non directive conversation where you're asking a lot of open ended questions, how are you doing? What's going hard in your life right now? Instead of asking very targeted questions that make assumptions that we know what the answers are, what the things are that are struggling with. So we want to try not to come into these conversations with any preconceived ideas and really ask broadly, because a lot of times what you'll find is that the things that your kid brings up are not even what was on your radar as might be problematic, it might be something completely different. So open ended questions, but also giving them a space to be able to talk about the hard things by asking directly, what were some hard things that happened today? Because we all know life has stressful things happen all the time. So it's like there's something good and something bad that happened about the day. So asking about both can keep that conversation balanced, but make sure that it gives them opportunities to talk about the hard things. And then you can go from there. Now. I really appreciate that. I think one take away from from hearing that there was so much to take away from from everything that you just shared. There is is also the importance of of our of our parents making certain that they have a good support system as well, too, and that they're going into those conversations with their children. You know, I use the example love in fear that that at times when parents show up with really big emotions or they're angry or they're defensive, that love and fear is at play. And that if we can be reminded that that's the driver behind how our parents emotions are showing up, that, you know, that that we can extend a little bit more patience and grace to be able to hear what the what concerns are that they're trying to convey. And so, you know, entering into the conversation, knowing that love and fear are going to be at play when you're having that conversation with your child and, you know, doing our best to stay calm and, you know, regulated and assuring our child that, you know, we're going to be here for you every step of the way, I think can invite, you know, a really important conversation that, you know, our child might need to have in that moment. And so you provided some really great strategies. And, you know, so thank you for that. I really appreciate that point about parents needing to be aware of their own emotions and coming in from a place of regulation because our kids play off of how we show up in a conversation. And we also are the primary way that kids learn. They learn by watching important adults in their life. So if they can watch a parent talk about a hard conversation or a hard topic and do it in a regulated way from a place of love that's going to give them a model to be able to then work off of, to be able to do something similar on their own. So I think that's a really, really important and great call out. You know, so we talk about, you know, children managing anxiety, but we also know stress is just a natural part of of of life. We're going to you know, we're going to encounter stressful situations or, you know, there might be parts of our day that might be more stressful than others. But can you give us a clear distinction between stress and anxiety? They look so similar, but I think it's important for parents listening to know how to differentiate between the two and how to support their how to support their kids through these emotions. Yeah. Yeah. Stress is actually not only normal, but actually really helpful. Stress is something that activates us in a way that can be very productive. If I feel stressed about school or an upcoming test, it could motivate me to study. So that could be a good thing. Where it tips over is if if I am so anxious about that same test that I am initially motivated to study. But then I am up till 4:00 in the morning, five days that week trying to get prepared for the test. And I'm unable to sleep and I am not eating and it's really impacting my day to day functioning. That's when we've tipped over into anxiety is really when those emotions have started to get in the way of our ability to function and is impairing our day to day, especially when it comes to things like being able to sleep, eat, participate in other things that we need to do. We've tipped the scales over to more of a problem that would fall into that anxious category. You know, hearing you talk about that, it reminds me of of a quote, one of our students and she shared, you know, don't treat us like children and expect us to act like adults. And I think in the way that we talk about and we approach mental health, stress, anxiety with our children, that that that quote is such a powerful example. And so I think a lot of times we have a lot of expectations for how our children should know how to manage and navigate the stressors and the anxieties of the world. And I think at times we forget that they're just kids and that they need our guidance. They need us to be encouraging, you know, you know, kind words to, you know, let them know that, yes, you know, there there are a lot of big expectations and and, you know, ones that we place upon them and they place upon themselves and that come from peer pressures and just societal pressures. And and to be reminded that they're just kids and that the model that we provide them in the way in which we show up for them is actually going to be a really important reinforcer, you know, to guide them and to give them the example of how to come through a stronger, more resilient, more capable person on the other side. And so that quote is just one that has stayed with me. And I'll keep I'll keep sharing when I get the chance, because I think it's an important one. I love that quote. Thank you for sharing it. I think it's really powerful. And and there's a number of things that I think it speaks to from just a biological or neurological perspective. It's true that our kids physically can look older and the closer to adulthood, you know, as they approach teenage hood and graduated from high school But their brains, the frontal part of their brains, don't really finish developing until their mid-twenties. And that's the part of your brain that's most impactful when it comes to problem solving and critical thinking. And so these kids are getting more and more independence and autonomy, but their brains are still working to figure out how to navigate all that effectively. So parents absolutely do need to be involved in supporting and scaffolding all of the things that they're navigating. But I also think it's really important as parents that while. Yes, we were kids once. We have a sense of what that was like. We really don't have a sense of what it's like to be a kid now. You know, if you think about the things that kids are navigating nowadays, it's not what we navigated ten, 20, 30 years ago. If you look at surveys of what kids are most stressed about, we do see since about 2008 an exponential increase in the overall amount of stress that kids report. Year after year, it gets worse and worse and worse. And there's a number of things that they talk about that are stressors that are new to this particular generation. Things like social media, the politics, global warming, school violence, all these kinds of things are topics that are just much, much more salient in our kids lives, and they work for us. And social media superimposed on all of that, because our kids just have ready access to so much information that is overloading for them. So I think it's important as a parent to really try to come from a place of empathy and understanding that our kids are navigating a world that is far more complex than anything that any previous generation has had to navigate. And I think that they are doing phenomenally at trying to navigate it, but they will do that much better with the support of good adults in their life. Now, I appreciate you uplifting social media. I mean, that comes up constantly for parents, I think, trying to to find the just right balance of screen time and gaming and what apps kids can have and what they can't have and age restrictions and, you know, all the things and, you know, I think it's it can be really overwhelming. Definitely feel like a loaded topic. As I was mentioning before. You know, we think about a teen's brain development. They are they are naturally wired to want to start to assert independence and autonomy. They're naturally going to gravitate toward their peers. And social media gives them a forum to do a lot of that. But their brain development is also still developing. And so the ability to navigate it all, be able to critically think through it all, be able to engage in problem solving around navigating it all is still hard for them. And so that's where parents have to come in, have oversight over it, set restrictions, monitor, have boundaries, because our kids are just not going to be naturally as well equipped to do that. And one of the hardest things about social media is the ways in which reality and what we portray are not oftentimes matched. So we call it the Facebook phenomenon. A lot of times, even though Facebook is not you know, it's not the hip social media platform these days, but Facebook phenomenon is basically this idea of my friends are posting all these things where their life looks awesome. They're using filters where they look beautiful, they're going on all these fun things with their families or friends, or they're posting pictures of their friend groups and they're not with them. And so they feel left out. They assume that those other kids have a better life than they do. There's this constant comparison, and what we put on Facebook or on any social media platform is not usually a full representation of our lives, but because we're looking at it from an outsider's perspective and only seeing that filtered view, it can make us feel bad about ourselves. And so it's really important that we're talking to our kids about how do you process all this information? Social media is also the primary way. A lot of people get their news now. And because of the way algorithms work on social media, unfortunately it can really filter a lot of the more comprehensive news stories from showing up And so you get a more and more tunnel vision with regards to the news that you're getting access to. So it's really important to support our kids and identify what are good outlets for the news and making sure that we're processing that information critically, thinking about that information and having conversations about that information and not just having it be a passive consumption that oftentimes can happen with our teens. So there's certainly benefits to social media, but it's really important to make sure that you're monitoring your kid and engaging in conversation and creating guidelines around their their use of it. No, I think now. Yeah, I think that's. So much of what you shared is really helpful. And I think it just goes back to a lot of of what, you know, the inside of what you have already shared, not being present and really kind of knowing, you know, what and how, you know, in the ways in which your child is using technology as a tool to support their learning, you know, as a tool to engage with the outside world. And and I think just that being present can play a really important role and also helping your child navigate, you know, technology as well. Goodness, this could be a whole podcast in and of itself, the role that technology plays. But I am going to move this on. I am going to do a slide. So, you know, a student's wellbeing plays a huge factor in their present and in their future. And I'd love to hear from you about emotional resiliency. What are some ways to develop emotional resiliency at any developmental stage? Yeah. What we've actually touched on a couple of strategies that I'll just highlight here and then I'll add a couple of additional ones. One of the best ways that parents and teachers can promote resiliency in kids is by acknowledging and praising our kids efforts more so than their outcomes. Really lifting up and celebrating the effort that they're putting forth and the learning and the process versus just the outcome is really, really important. Because what it does is it develops that belief of self-efficacy. And self-efficacy is one of the most important ways that we can develop resilience as kids. One of the other things that could be really helpful that we touched a little bit on earlier is this culture of achievement. And just being mindful of that as a parent that that culture of achievement exists. It exists for kids, it actually exists for parents and just this constant trying to keep up with everybody else around you. And so what can happen with kids and teens is that that creates a tendency for us to overschedule our kids. They end up involved in a lot of extracurricular activities, many of which our kids are the ones that want to be involved in them. And they probably do find joy in all of them in individual spaces. But when you pull it all together collectively, if you are in school all day and then in extracurricular activities, 5 hours after school, five days a week, and on the weekends playing games and also doing homework, you start to have to question, when is there time for unstructured fun? When is there time for relaxation? And I think most importantly, one, is there time for sleep? And sleep is one of the most important things that can help promote resiliency or can be a huge risk in worsening mental health. Our kids, by and large, do not get enough sleep, and that is a huge problem. In fact, there was some recent research that just came out that significant sleep disturbances is one of the biggest predictors of future severe mental health problems, including up to death by suicide. So it's a really, really critical pillar of our kids emotional well-being. So we have to keep everything in balance. That's one of the most important things, I think, from a resiliency perspective is all these things can be wonderful for them, but they need to do it in a balanced way so that we don't start to sacrifice the pillars of health, which include things like being able to have fun in unstructured ways, being able to find time to connect and enjoy yourself with friends and family, getting sleep and eating healthy. Those are some of the important things that can be helpful when it comes to promoting resiliency. what are signs that a child or a teen may need professional help? I think the most important thing that parents should be aware of or educators, any important adult in a kid's life. The telltale warning sign that you should pay attention to more than anything is if that child's behavior suddenly shifts in a significant way. They the things just look different. And a lot of times, like we've talked about before, it tends to be isolation changes in sleeping changes and eating changes in engagement. But when those behaviors start to shift to the point that you are seeing impairment in their day to day functioning, they're not going to school. They're not engaging with friends and family. They're not doing the things that they used to enjoy. They're starting to struggle academically. That's when we really need to start to pay attention and likely get professional help to be able to give that kid the support that they need to be able to get back on track. how can parents effectively communicate with school counselors, educators, their child's teacher, their child's principal, if they suspect their child may be struggling? Yeah, I think similar to what we were talking about with how to initiate those conversations with our kids. I think some early thinking about how to partner with the School with Teachers administration. It's really to start those conversations earlier versus later. I think one of the things that can sometimes happen is those conversations don't start until we're in full crisis. And we've lost a lot of opportunity to intervene earlier on and provide that child with the support that perhaps could change the overall direction that they're headed. So I think most importantly, it's feeling empowered to start those conversations. There's a lot of mental health stigma still that we all navigate, and I think there can be a tendency to just not want to raise that and and bring visibility to it. But the reality is, is that the teachers, the administration, likely have a sense that your child is struggling and would actually welcome the opportunity to connect and talk about it, because everyone is has a shared goal here, which is to support our youth. And so I think starting the conversations earlier versus later would be my biggest recommendation. No, I think I've heard you say multiple times today about the importance of keeping the lines of communication open, the lines of communication open with your child, with their school. Just within our family, you know, within within a family unit, within the family structure, you know, the importance that, you know, open and honest and sometimes hard conversations really do play in the benefit in Keeping open lines of communication will contribute to the overall well-being of our children. And just it's just one of the biggest takeaways that I'll have from our conversation today. So thank you. Thank you for sharing that. So, Dr. Hawkes, as we wrap up, are there any resources or final thoughts you'd like to share with our parents, families and educators as they support their child's mental health? Yeah. I think one of the the best resources to make sure every youth in our state has on their radar is our Colorado crisis services supports. So you can go to Colorado crisis services dot org and find a lot more information about how to contact them. This is a helpful resource to have not just when your child is in crisis, but ahead of time because it's hard to remember where to go when you're in crisis because you're in crisis. And so having a crisis plan ahead of time is a really important thing to to be able to have identified and structured. One of the other resources that can be really helpful is if your child needs immediate mental health support. The state of Colorado has done a really nice job in the last few years developing mental health resources, one of which is the AI Matter program. So at I Matter Colorado dot org, you can get more information about how to get free mental health sessions through the state of Colorado to be able to get access to a licensed mental health provider who can provide you with quick support. And then other resources include things like the National Alliance on Mental Health. Children's Hospital. Colorado has a lot of really wonderful mental health resources available for educators, families, youth. So definitely would encourage folks to check out those. And then there's a number of really wonderful APS, if we want to lean on some of the technology savviness that our teens and kids tend to have. There's a lot of different apps out there like the What's Up App Mindshare call, some of which cost money, some of which are free. But they're all really wonderful resources that kids can have on their phone and ready to be able to pull up and access. I really encourage our listeners, our families and educators to utilize the resources that Dr. Hawk shared Thank you to our listeners for tuning in to this episode of Elevate Education.