February 14, 2025 • 61 mins
Did "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" need kung fu? Does an off-the-wall zombie plot twist need the B-movie treatment, or can it work in a serious movie? What do the top men at Tubi think of your genetics? This week, we get wild with Water Monster (China, 2019) on Hi-Yah and get amnesia with Die Alone (Canada & USA, 2024) on Tubi. We also play around with My Test Tubi and highlight fantasy horror, spooky nuns and mid-life crises dropping on VOD.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:21):
So welcome back to Imported Horror.
This is the podcast that brings youthe very best of cliched zombies,
man yells at Cloud Energyand what did I Kung Fu
Water Monsters fromBeyond the Shining Seas.
I'm Marcus. I'm here withone of my acrobatic co-hosts.
(00:44):
Brady, because apparentlyI talk like this.
I am a very talented voice actor. Whatcan I say? I didn't want to tell you,
but yeah.
No fair.
Pure artistry on my part. Absolute.I've missed my true calling.
Uncanny.
(01:05):
It was like Grady was still with us today.
The only thing better than my impressionof you was my impression of Melissa.
Yes. Which, oh, I can do thatagain. Hi guys. I'm not here.
I'm not feeling well.
But yeah, have fun. See,
impeccable.
Talent.
You forgot to insult the patriarchy.
(01:26):
Oh, well that's true. Yeah. She'sso much better at that though. It's
down with the patriarchy.I don't know. There you go.
Now that makes it sounds like I don'tactually agree with her more often than I
don't, but that's okay.
So Melissa's not feelinggreat and that's okay.
(01:46):
So Grady and I are going toknock through some, I think,
really interesting coming soon. Sowe've got something for everybody.
And then I was promised big man yellingat Cloud Energy about zombie movies,
and I have a movie that letterboxtried to threaten me with a good time
and it worked. So,
(02:16):
okay, so these are for February14th through February 20th.
Happy Valentine's Day to those of y'allthat celebrate Happy Day. Happy meet.
Day. To those that don't.
Yeah, there you go. I haven't eventhought about meet day in a little while,
but so in college,
Grady and I decided thatValentine's Day was too dramatic,
(02:38):
whether you're in a relationship or not.
And maybe that was just beingin college in the two thousands.
Everything was drama, but.
We.
Decided.
What? Well, maybe I just really wantedbarbecue and got on myself. Right.
Soapbox out of sarcasm. And you andthe twins took it too seriously.
That happened a lot actually.
(02:59):
But yeah, we went on a barbecueroad trip and it was great. Yeah,
you could do that too.That's still an option. Yes.
But when you get backfrom your hot date and or
barbecue road trip, or you could combinethem theoretically, that could be fun.
Maybe not with this crop ofmovies. Let's not try that, fellas.
(03:21):
So we've got three.
One that I missed unless significantother is super into horror cheese.
Yes, yes. Which, yeah,
you got to, that's very high risk,high reward. When it works, it works.
And when it doesn't, it really doesn't.In terms of horror cheese. And I say.
That from too, some comingSoons, I would say, yeah, sure.
(03:44):
Make this a date movie.It'll be a fun icebreaker.
These handle with Care.
So the first one I actuallymissed from last week,
this one's already out on VOD.
This is a night's war from Canada andthe US and I think the movie is much
cooler than the title, whichdoes feel really generic.
(04:05):
This feels, sorry, read the synopsisand then I'll make fun of it.
The Synopsis,
A Fearless Night Braves a DeadlyRealm to save the Chosen One's
soul facing witchesdemons, and brutal foes.
He discovers her returncould ignite chaos and Doom
humanity.
(04:28):
Dead.
Founder sells, I think.
Like someone was going to make aDiablo movie and lost the license
like three hours into production and thenjust soldiered on and made it anyway.
Yes. Yes.
Is exactly what it feels like.
I think the title and thedescription kind understate just
(04:52):
how dark and gothic the fantasy is.
It comes off as sort of a Lord of theRings vibe and that's definitely there,
but it feels much more like
Skyrim with all the extragothic mods turned on.
Yes.
But it comes from good stock. So
(05:14):
the main fellow in this is Jeremy Berg,
who's been in a fair amountof independent Canadian stuff,
including Death Valley,
which is on Shutter and I thinkwas literally sort of a home shot
monster movie. It's all movie.It doesn't look home shot at all.
And the director was his brother,I think brother maybe cousin,
(05:36):
but I think Brother Matthew Berg,
who you remember Psycho Goreman.
I.
Do remember Psycho Goreman.
He was the very same, alright,
he played Psycho Goreman and Psycho Goman.
A very difficult time.
Imagining what a psycho goreman withoutall the psycho goreman on him would look
(05:56):
like.
I super tall dude from NovaScotia apparently. Yeah.
So he's directing and hisbrother and some other folks
including Kristen Castor,who was also in Death Valley.
Yeah.
They're credited the Bergswith working on in a violent
(06:21):
Nature.
But when I go to that on the
IMDB, it says that they were,
they've got names. One of 'em isJohnny, one of 'em is the Ranger,
but it says scenes deleted and then theyhave other people cast in those roles
further up. So my assumption ismaybe somebody ran out of money.
(06:44):
Maybe there were artisticdifferences, maybe they just decided.
Something led to them impersonating thisdude and rerecording all of his stuff
with a different actor.
Yes. And it's not just him.
There are 1, 2, 3, 4,
6 people on here
that it says scenes deleted. Sowho knows? Maybe totally innocent,
(07:07):
maybe creative differences,
but I know what's it.
That the Canadian film industry is superweird sometimes and that might have
something to do with it.
Like their actors unions worka lot differently than ours,
and there might've been somewires that got crossed is my.
(07:27):
Best. And I don't knowhow independent these are.
It could be independent like a coupleof guys just shooting stuff on the
weekend, which is cool. It could be, Hey,
that's how we started and now we've gotsome actual money from some production
companies and we have to follownew rules. Who knows? I don't know.
(07:47):
But just the affiliation toPsycho Goman alone and the trailer
makes this definitely seem interesting.
I don't know how much traction it'sgoing to get because people don't always
like to IMDB says Action fantasy horror.
And I know a lot of people who want thosesiloed and don't like crossing those
streams and we're fine withit, I think for the most part.
(08:09):
But I don't know how typical we are.
Just the fantasy horrorVenn diagram is a lot
narrower than the thriller horrorVenn diagram or the sci-fi horror Venn
diagram.
I'm not sure why exactly, but.
(08:32):
I don't get it either.
A lot of the classic gothichorror stuff is rooted in fantasy.
I mean, there's a bigger throughline there than most people realize.
Well, any folk horror, the differencebetween a fantasy and a folk horror,
if it comes down to is itbright and there literally,
is it shot during the dayand there are hobbits?
(08:54):
Or is it shot at night and there's moreblood? If that's the only difference,
then I don't understand. But I dunno.
I dunno. But it's on VODnow. And I'm assuming,
and don't quote me on thisbecause I have no actual idea,
but I'm assuming because Psycho Goremanwas on Shutter and because a bunch of
other Canadian films, independentCanadian films are on shutter,
(09:18):
including Death Valley, whichthey were all involved with.
I think this could be a shutter pickin a little while. Maybe an exclusive,
maybe not, but I would not be surprisedto see this on Shutter before too long.
Fair.
Enough. Then a littlesomething for everyone,
because the day we'rereleasing this on V-Day,
(09:39):
on Valentine's Day, we havesomething is about to happen.
Oh no, not.
Something. No, not something.What could be the something,
and I honestly have no ideabecause this trailer is sort of,
it's very Melissa.
I think that's the way we're going tohave to make her watch this trailer.
Maybe the movie when she's back,because this wreaks of Melissa.
(10:02):
Yeah. There is a 50 50 chance that thelady in the trailer is about to hack off
someone's John.
Yes, yes. Yeah.
A woman's life takes adefinitive turn. May I've.
Known Melissa Long enough that Ithink that about every woman in every.
Movie trailer I see. But.
(10:23):
She has, well, I wasabout to say a fetish,
and that's probably notaccurate. I hope you're.
Okay at that. Let's not pull that thread.
But yeah. Yes, she does.
It's like that Phineas Inverb quote,
if I had a nickel for every time Melissamade me watch a movie where somebody's
(10:46):
junk got sliced off, I only have, what,
three or four nickels atthis point? Maybe five.
But it's alarming. It'shappened that many times. Yes.
A woman's life takes a definitive turnthe day that she loses her job as a
computer programmer,which is just Bravo IMDB.
(11:10):
That's just perfect that really,
I almost didn't even include thisbecause it doesn't feel like horror
only it's listed as it on IMDBand on releases.com where I
check all the VD releases. But it's also,
there's a line in the trailer,
(11:30):
one of the promos that says it goes fromsomething like an offbeat dramedy to
a psychotic thriller or a bizarrethriller or something like that. Okay.
I could see this being the kind ofmovie where there's a genre shift.
Yeah, I could too.
The likelihood of Johnsondisposal just went up to
(11:50):
75%. So it's got that for it.
The scene from Big Lebowski where theydrop the ferret into the bath just
popped into my head. Nice. Marmon.
Also completely unrelated tothat, the guy in this movie,
(12:14):
I was a little distracted becausethe guy in this trailer looked
almost exactly like Adam Driver,
who I only know as the really bigguy that John Oliver kept trying
to get to sit on him during the pandemic.
So yeah.
(12:35):
I could see that. I coulddefinitely see that.
I don't recall if he ever got hiswish. I'm assuming he did, because his.
Job, I think Adam Driver called him onthe season finale and yelled at him.
That works too.
What is with the spin? Why do youkeep saying all this stuff about me?
(12:58):
Yeah. So yeah, this one,
some of the other promos talkedabout Goya, I think nomination,
but maybe an award for the lead actor.
So I don't know.
This feels like a Melissa movie. Weshould harass her and make her watch this.
(13:19):
That will be my goal. Sure. Marcus.I'm happy to watch it if it's weird.
Perfect.
There is absolutely, absolutely noway this will blow up in our faces.
No, no, no, no, no. Now I couldclone her voice with an AI clone. I.
Guess we've been overthis. No, but y'all take.
(13:40):
It personally. None of shame on you.
I don't want the say worksto come for me. For one,
welcome our new robot over Lords. Okay.
I mean, it'd be a lateralmove from where we are now,
but still no bad Marcus.
Then on Monday the 17th,something that's less Melissa,
(14:01):
and I think honestly more me,
the baby in the basket fromthe United Kingdom Kingdom,
a baby in a basket is left on thesteps of an isolated monastery on a
Scottish island.
The nuns take it in planning tocare for it until a storm passes.
Soon though, strange and unexplainedevents begin to happen at the convent,
(14:27):
it's felt to me like sort of aby the numbers none horror movie,
and I'm here for that.
There were more dudes than I wasexpecting in a nun horror movie.
Like.
Any dude, at least the trailer. Yeah.Usually there are very few, if any dudes,
but there were dudes in this one and.
None. I dunno. The last conventhorror I saw was Immaculate,
(14:48):
which we had pretty different opinions on,
and that's kind of sour to be on conventhorror for the next little while.
But hey, maybe this one will be good,
or maybe this'll be another Jesus clonespliced with a T-Rex. I don't know.
We'll see.
(15:08):
I will admit I was not as hot onimmaculate once I saw the first
omen, which was considerably better.
That'll do it.
But I did enjoy Immaculate and I did
enjoy trolling y'all about the ending,but it did have some tone issues.
It couldn't decide if it wanted to beserious or ridiculously campy. And.
(15:30):
You have to pick or JurassicPark, but with Jesus, yes.
Jesus. Sick park.
Well, so, oh, okay. Well,I was going to say a baby.
The baby in the basketis 5.5 out of 10 on.
(15:51):
Okay, I'm done. 5.5 out of 10 on imdb,
but it's only got 12 reviews rightnow, so that probably isn't fair.
Yeah, you always kind of have to giveit at least two extra points. Give.
Give For sure. For sure. So Idon't know, I can't promise a.
Ton. Roger Ebert hated horror,
and every Wouldbe internetcritic wants to be Roger Ebert.
(16:14):
Yeah. Called him dead teenager movies.Yeah, that's sort of the whole point.
Again, don't threaten me with a good time.
(16:35):
So you want to yell at your cloud?
Why don't you go ahead andtalk about yours first.
Okay.
So I really want to know why yourscreen name is. I am a great magician.
Because I am a great magician.
My shirt is red. No,
my shirt is black and I'mnot even going to shirt.
(17:00):
I'm not even going toexplain that. If you know,
don't Google it and drop everythingand watch that movie because it is
perhaps, have I made Emily watchthat movie? I don't think I have.
She's still in a relationship withyou, so I'm going to guess No.
Okay. That needs to happen. Maybenot on Valentine's Day weekend.
(17:22):
Maybe that's pushing it. No,
but our fifth anniversary is comingup in a few weeks, so maybe that's.
Let's not have it be attachedto any special occasion.
Let's just have it be a random weekend.Weekend when y'all are bored. Okay.
Okay. Well, we'll see.We'll, we'll play it by ear,
(17:44):
but I think that needs tohappen. So Water Monster
was still in kind of a monsterymove from last week and
I think the week before,
because I did the tank andthere was another monster.
I don't remember whatI did the week before,
but monsters were still on my brain.And so I googled around and I looked,
(18:06):
and the Letterboxed or Water monster,
which is from China,was saying, well, man,
it is just the creature from theBlack Lagoon, but with Kung Fu,
and at least some of the letterboxreviews made that sound like a bad thing.
I said, wait, me, that'sobjectively not. Exactly.
(18:27):
That sounds amazing.
And it had already been on my list on
Hayah, the martial arts channel,which I don't watch a ton on,
but when you're in a kung fumood, Hayah is where it's at,
and it's also dirt cheap.
(18:48):
I don't remember how much Ipaid for your subscription,
but it's not much at all.
And every time you bring up Haya,it reminds me that Haya exists,
and that means this weekend I getto watch Baby Assassins again.
Yes, yes. They came.
Out. That is the only thingI have watched on Haya,
and it is totally validatedmy Hiya subscription.
Have you seen the second one?
(19:08):
No, but I need to.
Yeah. Yeah. They cameout with the second one.
I've been saving it towatch when you're around,
and I keep forgetting aboutit when you are around,
but Water Monster from 2019 from China,
a man killed by, and I know this is goingto sound racist, it's not, I promise.
I think something justgot lost in translation.
(19:29):
A man killed by a quote Watermonkey while fishing with his son.
It's not, it's genuinely not.
I'm going to trust you in avacuum. That does sound bad.
It does. I will give you that.And I know China has some,
we do too. We have some issueswith that sort of stuff, but
(19:52):
I don't think they mean a literal monkey.
And even that they shouldhave just stuck with Monster.
I think that was a translation issue,
but a man killed by a watermonkey while fishing with his
son, because IMDB doesn't translate. Well,
10 years later,
the monster reappears and kills people.
(20:14):
The son has to assemble villagerstogether to fight the monster to protect
his lover. I mean,
it's Creature of the Black Lagoon,
but Chinese and with Kung Fu.
Yes.
And also it's only 77 minutes long.
Yeah, that tracks.
(20:36):
You see the monster pretty early.
And I love American actionmovies, don't get me wrong,
but we don't do the Wire funearly as much or nearly as
well. And so in an American movie,
there's a lot of shooting and a lotof yelling and a lot of slow-mo this,
they strapped the dudein the monster suit,
(20:57):
put some wires around his wristsand his ankles and everything,
and then spun him in the airwhile throwing stuff at him.
And I'm sure it wasn'tall practical effects,
but it's so ridiculous and crazy that it
works. So I mean,
(21:18):
I can't say that all of the Chinesesense of humor landed for me.
You can tell they're kind of spoofing,sort of like on an expendables level,
all the tropes and thesidekicks that are maybe stupid,
maybe a little intellectuallydisabled. It's not completely clear.
I think I'm losing somethingin translation there too.
Some of that didn't land for me, butthe Kung fu and the Water Monster,
(21:43):
that definitely landed for me. Alright.
And it had big sci-fi movie,
original Energy, and.
Some of the reviews also, Iknow how this is going to sound,
but it feels like everymovie we've reviewed from China has big sci-fi original
movie Energy. Oh yeah. Or atleast tries to. Absolutely.
(22:04):
Some of them arguably doNot Succeed add Spider Sea.
I am looking in your direction.
So I have a friend of mine, acolleague, is from Shanghai,
and I thought he was cool. I did.
I thought he was cool and hecould still recover from this,
but we were hanging outand we were talking about a research paper we're doing,
and I said, oh, by the way, I sawa movie from China this weekend.
(22:26):
He looked at me and kind of went, oh.
And I told him a little about thepodcast and I told him, water Monster.
And he looked at medeeply, deeply suspicious.
And he Googled it and he looked at it andhe had this look on his face like, oh,
you poor bastard. And hesaid, there are cinemas,
studio production companies in China thattry to spend as little as possible on
(22:47):
movies they send directly to the internet.
And then if only one out of ahundred makes a profit, that's okay.
They're good with that. And Ilooked at him and I said, yeah.
We have that in Americatoo. It's called the Asylum.
I told him that too.
And I told him about Cosa versus therest of them in Sharknato. I said,
(23:08):
we do that too.
But he seemed to miss the part where this
was a good thing. Thiswas a feature, not a bug.
And he promised he'd find a goodChinese movie for me to watch.
And I don't.
That defeats the purpose though.
It does. It does. I'm not trying.
To appreciate your culture. We're tryingto make fun of it. It sounded bad.
(23:31):
Now that I say that out loud.
Rethink our whole mission statement here.
There's a trashy movie about the ChupaCobra on Tubi. I want to watch that too.
Yes. Insult me. But I came homeand I told Emily about this.
The trash is part of thekaleidoscope of life.
(23:53):
Yes.
You can't just give us all thegood stuff that's just patronizing.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It'slike that line from Gladiator.
It all adds to the flavor.
But I came home and Itold Emily about this,
and she said in fairness that shehad had the same reaction when I
(24:14):
told her about Water Monster.And that prompted me to do the,
did you call the frowny.
Call it a water monkey, becausethat might have also been a factor.
No, no, no. I've been verycareful about that. Yes.
But when she said she wasn'tinterested, I did the frowny,
Michael Serra, the Sadfrom Arrested Development,
(24:35):
and I realized that everybody betrayedme and I fed up with this swirl.
So yeah. Anyway,
if you want to see peoplegetting dismembered by a dude
in a black preacher from theBlack Lagoon suit doing Kung fu,
(24:55):
then subscribe to High Ya and watchthis movie because it is, and.
Probably like seven or eight other movies,
I'm pretty sure have thatexact same description on ia.
We just haven't found them yet.
Pretty much. Yeah, prettymuch. And I got to, again,
with the genre mashups, I guesswe could say the same thing here,
and IMDB does list this as fantasy,
but I think that has moreto do with China and their
(25:20):
domestic rules andpreferences about horror and.
Fantasy. Yeah, there's some weird,
when the government controls your mediato the extent that China's government
controls their media, there's goingto be some weird genre decisions.
You got to ride around some.
(25:40):
Things. Yeah. Dictatorship'sgoing to dictate,
and that's a bummer. But at the same time,
I would much rather be talking about amovie that we can just pretend is fantasy
and not horror instead of all the nastythings we'd be talking about otherwise
if we were actually at eachother's throats anyway.
I liked it. I think three anda half stars on Letterboxed.
(26:04):
No fear whatsoever. Watch it, make yourfriends, watch it, subscribe to Hiya.
Yes. And then after you watchthat watch maybe assassins.
Yeah. Well,
and that's the other funthing about Hiya too,
because just scrolling through it,
I can tell at this point just by lookingat the description and the poster and
(26:27):
everything, if it's a, because theymostly pull stuff from across East Asia.
It's from wel Go USA, which is from, Ithink headquartered in Plano actually.
So it's both very foreign and veryloco, very local. Maybe loco too.
I can kind of tell just from lookingif it's a Chinese movie or South Korean
(26:48):
movie or a Japanese movieor from Southeast Asia,
they've all sort of gottheir own personalities and different media structures
too,
which leads to different typesof movies and similar takes on
similar ideas, but still distinct. Idon't know. I have a lot of fun with it.
(27:10):
Okay, I'm going to yell atclouds now. Okay. I'm excited.
So my movie
was Die Alone from 2024.
It is on Tubi and from Canada.
Always, by the way, a great sentenceon Tuby from Canada. Love that.
(27:35):
I, MDB summary tells thestory of a young man,
thats how it starts, tellsthe story of a young man.
We've got a sentence fragmenthere who has amnesia.
He bands together with arugged survivalist in a zombie-like outbreak to find
his girlfriend.
The Rugged survivalist isplayed by Carrie Ann Moss. Nice.
(28:00):
She is the reason thatthis movie stood out to me.
She is what made this movie tolerable.
Seriously. She is just a cool old lady
and the decent actress.
Too.
(28:20):
I feel like part of the issue is thatthe things that she's most well-known
for is The Matrix,
and there are statistically far morebad matrix movies than Good Matrix
movies, which is a shame becauseone Good Matrix movie was really.
Good. Yeah. Genre defining.
(28:41):
But Area Moss is a good actress.
And she's good at this and it's goodthat she was good in this because
otherwise this movie had some,
this is not really mykind of movie because this
kind of borrows from,
(29:02):
this kind of carries on the trend thatI think mostly started with the Walking
Dead and was carried on by the lastof us and just a whole host of other
zombie movies and Joesand whatnot that become
sense.
Apparently the zombie apocalypseturns everyone into assholes.
(29:22):
Oh yeah. That tracks.
And this movie in.
Particular, there's a lot of emphasis.
So I'm going to get into thisas spoiler free as I can,
but I don't think this part's a spoiler.
This happens literally the first timewe see a zombie is when we notice this.
(29:43):
So the zombies in this movie arelike plant creatures, basically.
Remember the mushroomzombies from the Gaia,
I think?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
It's basically a more realized andalso slightly lower special effects
(30:03):
budget version of that.
So kind of last of us see.
More moss than mushroom,
but still they're lurchingplant people basically.
And the main characters
(30:23):
use the fact that they'replant creatures to.
Go into this big,
oh, we think we're being philosophical,but we're really not rant about, oh,
the earth is fighting back againsthumanity. We've gone too far.
(30:44):
The Berg Demic Shock and Terror lectureon global warming comes to mind.
Except they don't evenbring up global warming.
It's just the fact thathumans are assholes.
There is nothing environmental.
About the things thatthey're complaining about.
If anything, they're complaining abouthow people acted during the pandemic.
(31:06):
Which was also terrible,don't get me wrong.
But we don't see anythingabout the environment.
We just see people holding up signsand refusing to wash their hands and
violence in the streets. And.
It ultimately does not factorinto the plot that much.
(31:27):
It feels like something theyjust kind of tacked on and
it's kind.
Of caused me to, I'm sure this existsand someone's already talked about it,
but I've never heard anyone talk about it,
so I'm going to go aheadand coin a term for it.
Okay.
Misery, pandering.
(31:49):
Yeah.
Because in the year of our Lord2025, when everything sucks and yeah,
everything does.
Suck. I'm not going to get into that here.
But
it feels like complaining about howmuch everything sucks has become such a
hot button,
(32:09):
easy to get applause and clicksthing that it's just kind of getting
shoehorned into stuff. Yeah,
that's what I thought until I watchedthis movie the entire way through
and.
Then I started wondering something.
(32:30):
I'm going to try to get intothis as spoiler free as.
Possible, but
pretty much all of thecharacters that are.
Voicing this, everything sucks.And this virus is humanity,
is the earth's way of wiping out humanitybecause the earth is sick of our shit.
That whole narrative.
(32:52):
Is pushed by charactersthat aren't super reliable
narrators.
And we also only see the
post apocalypse humanity beingterrible each other to each other
(33:12):
aspect of this film throughpeople being terrible to the.
Protagonists specifically.
And we learn things about the protagonists
later in the.
Movie. Great.
And that's about far as I can go withoutspoiling things. So I'm wondering,
is this on purpose?
(33:34):
Did this movie set up allof this misery pandering and
set up this Walking Dead Lastof us esque expectation on
purpose to disguise the plot twist?
And I only had this realization aboutan hour before we started recording,
(33:54):
and I frantically looked to see if therewas anyone that talked about this movie
and had the same theory andI couldn't find anything.
I mean, it would make sense.
And the misery porn, the misery pandering,
that's such a staple in zombie movies.
That's part of the reason I can'tget into it anymore. It's always,
(34:15):
oh my God, everything isterrible. There are zombies. Yes,
I know everything is alwaysterrible. But now especially, can we,
what are we doing? What are we doing?
And it gets so preachy after a while.
So trying to invert that could be fun,
but it doesn't sound likethis really stuck the Landing.
(34:39):
I kind of was looking forsomething to latch onto.
It was kind of a are you seriousor is this ironic sort of thing.
And it's really difficult to getinto specifics without spoiling the
twist.
Which, how zany is it? Are wetalking an maniacs level twist?
Are we talking success.
(35:01):
Level twist closer tosix sense level twist.
Okay.
And I realized I just dated myself bypulling two nineties references out of my
ass. But still.
No, that's okay. It's
the kind of twist that's beendone in a horror movie before
and just in this context withall the other stuff going
(35:25):
on,
it felt original or original ish enough
that I wondered is some of whatI thought was shortcomings.
In this movie Done on purpose.
And
(35:47):
unless you really care about itand want to see it, I may tell you.
The twist afterward just to,you know what I'm talking about.
Or just do it either way.
So.
Basically turns.
Out that the main character,the dude with amnesia,
he is a zombie and hisgirlfriend and later
(36:10):
after something in the prologuehappened to his girlfriend, Carrie.
Ann Moss kind of are feeding him
people. Okay.
They're feeding him people. Yes. And.
They're the ones that keep talking abouthow humanity sucks and all the other
(36:35):
characters are mean to him,
and you find out the othercharacters are being mean to them.
They know what they're doing.
Oh, okay. How does henot know? He is a zombie.
Because of the amnesia.
But he's not walking around.
Walks. He works out when he eatspeople and when he comes to,
(36:55):
he forgets everything. He forgetsa zombie outbreak even happened.
I feel like if I ate somebody,I would remember that.
Well, that's because you don'thave a tree in your brain.
I realize now that I've describedit all, this sounds very stupid.
(37:23):
I can see maybe the first time,what am I doing? I don't understand.
But at some point muscle memory kicksin and you're like, yeah, I'm a zombie.
I.
Want to,
that just feels like it'strying so incredibly hard.
(37:51):
But going back to my pointnow that we know what kind of
characters this guy and Garyand Moss and his dead girlfriend
is all of the usual zombie movie,everybody, socks trappings.
Was that meant to mislead? I mean,
(38:13):
to some degree. Yeah, it would.
Make sense.
Then I asked myself, were the writersof the movie clever enough to do this?
And I'm not a hundredpercent sure on that.
Well,
it reminds me of the conversation aboutImmaculate that we were just having,
because you could do thatin a campy stupid way.
(38:36):
That's a lot of fun andmake a point with it.
Or you could try to do somethingso silly very seriously
and it just kind of doesn't land. Right.
Yeah, no,
and that is definitely this movie'sbiggest fault is it is All edge.
Yeah.
(38:57):
The first 30 seconds, and I probablyshould have opened with this,
this is a big trigger warning first30 seconds, dude shoots himself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is that kind of edge Lord of a movie.
And you can't do that and have,oh, by the way, I'm a zombie law.
If you can put law at theend of your plot twist, then
(39:23):
how.
Simple you can put wall at the end ofany plot twist is just how sarcastic are
you being with that law?
Yeah,
yeah. Fair enough.
My psychiatrist wasdead the whole time law.
(39:46):
Yeah, but dad, but I have.
My mom's corpse in the attic and I dresslike her and stab people lull. See,
you can do that with any twist.
Okay, fair enough. Fair enough.All alright. Fair enough,
fair enough. But I don'tknow, maybe this is just.
(40:07):
Me. Sorry, I spoiled the endingto Casablanca. It's an old movie.
Everyone needs to get over it.
Maybe it's just me. I just get sotired of preachy, zombie movies.
Maybe the best example, the bestrecent example was the sadness,
which also I suppose had thatsame issue because if you want.
(40:30):
To lean into, oh yeah, that's whatthat movie was known for, that was
the Edge Lord Zombie movie, to thepoint that it was kind of overhyped,
I thought.
Yeah, yeah, I would agree with that.
And if you have fun withthat kind of blood splatter,
something like Blood Fest or Hell Fest,you can have a lot of fun with it.
(40:53):
But if you couple that edge,
Lord ridonculous violence with asuper somber, super serious tone,
then at some point youstart to get whiplash
and the sadness has its place. I'mnot even really knocking it, but.
Sure. And again,
(41:13):
I get why.
Especially not to puttoo fine a point on it,
but in the year of our Lord 2025,
I get why misery porn is a thing.
Yeah.
I regret that misery pandis a thing, but I get
everything sucks is avalid opinion to have.
(41:34):
I am not trying to takethat away from you.
And if you feel seen when you see thatreflected in the things you watch and
you seek out stuff for that purpose,if that's your way of dealing with it.
I get it.
That's a reasonable thing to do.
(41:54):
I personally prefer escapism,
but that's got just as many faults as
that, and
there are better thingsthan this to watch.
If you have that urge.
I mean, sometimes it's rare,
(42:17):
but sometimes I do have the urge to justwatch something that's like none more
black and just get my bleak on.
My personal favorite for thatis the dark and the wicked.
Partly because it was shot in Texasand partly because it is really bleak,
but even then there's a limit. And too,
(42:40):
if you dwell on how mucheverything always sucks,
then nothing's going to getbetter. Nothing's going to change,
especially when a lot of the peoplemaking everything suck or doing it just to
trigger a reaction fromyou just to get you
to say something crazy or feel shitty,
and so just don't justbe like you're weird.
(43:01):
Stop that the point of.
Your watch, especially when the movieexecutives of the world are being like,
oh yeah, everything suresucks. Watch our movie.
Yes.
There is a weird commercial angleto it too. You're absolutely right.
Misery pandering.
Yep. Now,
(43:22):
Tubi in tub's defense tubiis not particular to misery.
Pandering Tubi is particular to whatevervideos they can find at the Goodwill
that they can digitize and throw up there.
They're very equalopportunity in toy's. Defense.
I don't know when they startbringing genetics into it,
that's where I just have to say, takea step back and be like, you okay Tuby?
(43:44):
I thought, did you do that?No. Did you take the test?
It's your tubi test orsomething like that.
I'll put a link to it in the shownotes, but it walks you through.
I watched the Tubi SuperBowl Ed. It was unsettling.
I believe it. Yeah.
But you answer a bunch of questionsand it gave, what did it give me?
(44:07):
So it told me my moviegenetics and it was mostly
accurate. Here we go. Alright, you'retotally scientific. That's itis,
by the way, my test to be.com,
your totally scientificresults are back from the lab.
20% sci-fi, 19% horror,
18% comedy.
(44:30):
I'm surprised horror is only 18%.
19, but yeah. Oh, okay. Basically,
I mean almost a three-way tiebetween sci-fi horror and comedy.
Okay.
What's the other 40%?Let's see. 16% documentary,
8% Western, 5% crime,5% drama, 5% reality,
(44:53):
4% romance. And I do have aslight beef with this last one.
0% fantasy.
I would definitely putfantasy above at least
romance in reality. But
sometimes you feel alien here on Earthwhere others say, yikes. You say,
yes, please.
(45:15):
Yeah.
That's accurate. Everyone wantsyou in their inner circle. No,
that's definitely nottrue. Congratulations.
You're an otherworldlyviewer that sits amongst us.
I can't argue with most of that.
Yeah.
So I did redo it and try to game thesystem to give me as much horror as I
could, and I managed to get horror up to.
(45:38):
End up on an FBI watch list.
Maybe. Yeah, I got horror to 25 or 26%,
but then it was followed by I think
maybe drama or romance or something likeTubi knew what I was doing and it was
trolling me right back.
So I don't know about that, but I can't,
(46:02):
the only beef I have with it isthat fantasy, which is much too low.
But the rest of it, sci-fi horror comedy.Yeah, I'm here for that. That works.
I mean, I watched a movie with.
So this is a shorter episode.Why don't we do something fun?
It's buy test two b.com.
Yes. Yes. Do it.
Okay.
(46:23):
Do it, do it, do it. Do it. We're.
Going to do this live.
What should we call you,
(46:43):
Mr. Awesome.
You wake.
Up in the middle of thedesert and see a saloon.
You enter and you await a saloon pass.
Challenge someone to a dual,
skip to the piano player and requestyour favorite tune al coin on the
(47:04):
bar and demand a cold drink.
Timeout real quick for procedural stuff.
So you've got four choices for everyprompt and it randomizes them every time.
So that's what continue.
Okay.
Oscillating between pianoplayer and gold to coin
(47:26):
and cold drink.
I remember what I did, but I don't wantto tell you. I don't want to bias you.
Okay. Piano player
outhouse break. You enter andare transported through a portal.
You spawn in the middle of a lush forestand you feel something in your pocket.
(47:52):
I've got something inmy front pocket for you.
Don't reach out in mypocket and see what it is.
Oh, okay. That's the wrong one.
There we go.
Okay. That is not one ofthe options, by the way.
Magic sword. That shows you aworld of in pain, time to save it.
(48:13):
You get scared to take off your pants.
It's a locket with a photo of a sexyelf inside spoon. You put the locket on.
It's a bag of glitter.
You sprinkle some onto yourselfand start chatting with animals.
Sword or sexy elf,
(48:38):
sword. Sword. Suddenly two.
People rush past and knock you over.
There are loud sirensin the enchanted forest.
Apparently they're running away fromthe law. They drop a bag of cash,
you open it and grab a few stacks.
You stop the police and give them cleardescription of the suspects you run in
(48:59):
their direction and join the heists.
You disassociate. Too intense.
I love that. Any of these couldbe the plot of a Tubby movie.
Literally any.
Of them.
In real life, I wouldprobably disassociate, but
I'm going to say I'm going to run intheir direction and join the heist. Nice.
(49:24):
After that encounter, you head tothe hospital to get checked out.
The doctor reports. You have three days.
To live. You
replay your whole life andpractice deep gratitude.
You film A-G-R-W-M to die video and
memorialize your last moments on theinternet. I don't know what that means.
(49:45):
Yeah, I didn't either. Let megoogle it real quick. What was it?
GRWM to die video.
GRWM to die.
We probably just exposedourselves as olds.
(50:10):
The other choices.
Are hit up your dog walker tobring your pup to the hospital.
Got to soak up every second,
or hire an event planner and dropall your cash on a bye-bye party.
I mean.
In real life, I'd do the dog thing as,
I mean obviously.
Oh, okay. It means get ready with me.
(50:31):
Oh, that's stupid. I'mpicking the dog walker.
Apparently
there are people who are dying whoget on TikTok and actually do that,
which I could understand how itcould be therapeutic for some people.
Yeah, but not me. I'mgetting Henry in here.
(50:52):
Yeah, that makes sense.
The doctor sees you crying and says,just kidding. I was messing with you.
You are so healthy and are able tokeep slaying in life with this news.
You laugh. The doctor really got you.
You skip out of the ER with relief.Return to work and check your email,
pretend to die right there asthe ultimate prank on the doctor.
(51:13):
Sue the hospital for malpractice.You win a million dollars in court.
I think in real life I wouldactually punch the doctor,
but as that's not an option.
I'm going to say pretend to die rightthere as the ultimate prank on the doctor.
Okay. That one I did as well. Yes.
Okay. You need to de-stress after that.
(51:34):
A friend trip makes it out of what?
A friend trip makes itout of the group chat and.
Onto a private, what
are you having a stroke?
Okay, we're salad. We'reon a private island now.
(51:54):
Upon arrival, you take an outdoorshower, overhear your friends,
calling you trashy, and startrecording for blackmail.
Snag the best bedroom and FaceTimeyour situation, ship all day.
Unpack, discover bedbugs andruin the vibes in the via.
Refuse to get out of the sprinter van.
Drama starts in here. I don'tlike any of these choices.
(52:19):
I feel like Tubby, maybe.
I'm, I'm confused how there'sa sprinter van on an island.
How did the van get to the island?
I want to know when I knocked Danunconscious and stole a sprinter van.
Also that
(52:42):
and how you got it all the way toan island, because despite the name,
that thing does not go fast.
No. Well,
of the choices I could parse.
Because I think David ishaving a stroke right now.
I can either discover big bugsand ruin the vibe of the via.
Or refuse to get outof the sprinter van. I
(53:09):
going to discover bedbugs.
Nice.
There is a power outage on the island.
You can't find your princein the pitch dark villa.
I think it's pronounced Villa.Didn't you hear a scream?
You smile, hot twist. You arethe villain and you plan to this.
(53:29):
Shatter a wine glass and get readyto fight. Crawl into a hiding spot,
bump into a housemate andteam up to find safety.
Text the hot neighbors as they.
Invite you to safety. Bye. You are out.
Okay. This is a genuinely tough one.
(53:52):
Not saying I would competently doit or it would lead to anything.
Good, but I'm going to shatter awine glass and get ready to fight.
Nice.
OMG. There was a murder on the tripand the story is headline news,
A two B original documentary calledThe Villa Villain is being made.
When you're approached for an interview,you decline. It's too much of a vibe.
(54:14):
Conflict with your memoir.Suddenly have short-term amnesia.
Agree to speak and let your electricityrecovery charity for the island.
What about your notes app andrecount every shady detail.
I'm going to say short-termamnesia. You're getting another.
(54:36):
Call. It's your significantother, the sexy elf.
They tell you they have accepted a joboverseas and need to have a serious talk
about the relationship.
You leave sexy elf on read call sexy elf,
throw them out. No chasing.Just attracting you mentally. Prepare for a breakup.
What else could it be?
Your heart is pounding. SexyElf's. Definitely proposing, right?
(55:01):
You had forgotten aboutsexy elf, hadn't you?
I had, yes. I.
Thought when I didn't pickthe sexy elf locket, I
removed sexy elf from the proceedings.
Plot twist Tubi. Sexy elf is neverremoved from the proceedings.
Well,
(55:21):
I'm going to leave sexy elfon re because I am a sexual,
turns out what sexy elf saidoverseas job, they meant outer space.
Sexy Elf is part of an elite group ofaliens who came down to earth to research
the liminal space that existsin the spacetime continuum.
Sexy elf morphs into a hot alien andasks you to board their spaceship.
(55:46):
You look up at the stars andthink, nah, Earth's still home.
Start looking for the hidden camera that'sbeen rolling on you this whole time.
Start mood boarding your futurespace crib in your head. Ask for a.
Spaceship Tour tutorialon every room is a must.
I guess I'm beginning to suspect this.
(56:07):
Whole thing might be stupid.
What? No. This is the top minds.
Top minds. Top men, I think is the line.
Top men have been workingon this for years.
This is pure scientific data collection.
Tubi is in your head right now, and Tubialready knows what you're going to say.
(56:30):
Well, I'm going to startlooking for the hidden camera.
Tubi knew that.
Mr. Awesomes analysis. Iforgot that I named myself Mr.
Awesome. Okay.
26% comedy, 22% crime, 21% fantasy.
(56:52):
I could see that
somewhat worrying for theco-host of a horror podcast.
Or is it 8%?
Well, so I think some of thehorror decisions conflicted with some of the sci-fi
decisions. I think is part ofit, maybe, or I don't know.
(57:13):
Well, I only got 7%.
Then. I don't know. But comedy and crime,
what's the description of it?
A comedy, sun, crime,moon, fantasy rising.
Everyone wants you in their inner circle.
I think it just says that to everybody.
(57:35):
Maybe.
You've never met a caseyou couldn't crack.
The realm of dreams is your preferredplace to play. Congratulations,
your wise cracking remotehijacker that sits amongst us,
and I'm not convincedTobe didn't have a stroke.
I mean, that is sort of yourrole on the podcast though too,
(57:57):
making wise cracks and brewwise cracks and listen.
Only being superficiallyinto horror. Yeah. Yeah.
That's basically what I do here.
Well, I think Tubi has onceagain proved its genius.
Okay.
(58:19):
Well check the, it givesyou recommendations too.
Yeah. Yeah, I will. Yeah. Let's see here.
Your tuby picks, assuming I'm assuming.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ooh, swingand a miss on all of these.
Oh, no. Yeah, I forgot.
(58:40):
This is Tuby.
What did it suggest?
Everybody.
Hates Chris.
Yeah, that was one of mine too.Okay. Which might be funny.
I don't know. I haven't seen it.I know it's Chris Rock's thing.
Yeah, yeah.
And Borders, which I've neverheard of. And Love Witch,
(59:01):
which appears to be gilobased solely on the thumbnail.
Yeah. It's sort of a Throwbacky Gilo.
Okay. Okay. I said, but it said,
not horror, but Jello or More crime,which that was one of mine. Okay.
That makes sense. Yeah.
That was on mine. Both of those wereon mine too, so it was Alcatraz,
(59:25):
which I had never heard of,but I love me some, Sam Neil,
so I may actually check it out.
Okay.
Interesting. And Lowlifes, which legithas been on my Tubi list for some time.
Okay.
If it helps, was interesting. Igot scared and took off my pants,
and I think that's what gave me horrorvibes when I felt something in my pocket
(59:45):
in the forest, and
yeah, I don't know. I'm just assuming.And to the surprise of no one,
when the Hot Alienappeared, I was like, yes,
let's go check out every singleroom on your fancy spaceship.
No hesitation.
Whatsoever. We are going.I strongly considered that,
(01:00:06):
but I thought I was kind of startingto game the system at this point,
and I thought, okay, that's the Fast trekto those crappy home renovation shows.
I don't want that.
I didn't even think about that, but yeah.
Yeah. So take your Tubi test,
have some fun with it and see what yougot. I'm going to make Emily take it too.
(01:00:30):
I think she saw my text, but she hasn'thad a chance to play around with it yet.
I don't think so, but it's fun.I love Tubi. It's stupid Tubi.
It is. I used to be a Tubiehater and now I'm not.
I'm a tubie garbage person At the endof the day. Tubi knows it. I know it.
You know? Definitely know it. I'vemade you watch movies for years.
(01:00:51):
Yes.
Well, if you are still listening,give us a shout out on threads.
Follow us on letterboxed. Give us ashout out on Letterboxed. If you want,
shoot us an email. Tellyour friends about us.
Tell your friends about My tubitest.com and subscribe to Hi
ya. Watch some zombie moviesand some monster movies,
(01:01:14):
and we'll be back next week hopefully,
to harass Melissa about a maybe
somber,
maybe kind of pompous Spanish movie witha twist where somebody's dingdong might
get chopped off. We never know.
Never, never. And in all honesty, ifshe were to just tell us that happened,
I would believe her sight unseen.
So welcome back to Imported Horror.
This is the podcast that brings youthe very best of cliched zombies,
man yells at Cloud Energyand what did I Kung Fu
Water Monsters fromBeyond the Shining Seas.
I'm Marcus. I'm here withone of my acrobatic co-hosts.
(00:44):
Brady, because apparentlyI talk like this.
I am a very talented voice actor. Whatcan I say? I didn't want to tell you,
but yeah.
No fair.
Pure artistry on my part. Absolute.I've missed my true calling.
Uncanny.
(01:05):
It was like Grady was still with us today.
The only thing better than my impressionof you was my impression of Melissa.
Yes. Which, oh, I can do thatagain. Hi guys. I'm not here.
I'm not feeling well.
But yeah, have fun. See,
impeccable.
Talent.
You forgot to insult the patriarchy.
(01:26):
Oh, well that's true. Yeah. She'sso much better at that though. It's
down with the patriarchy.I don't know. There you go.
Now that makes it sounds like I don'tactually agree with her more often than I
don't, but that's okay.
So Melissa's not feelinggreat and that's okay.
(01:46):
So Grady and I are going toknock through some, I think,
really interesting coming soon. Sowe've got something for everybody.
And then I was promised big man yellingat Cloud Energy about zombie movies,
and I have a movie that letterboxtried to threaten me with a good time
and it worked. So,
(02:16):
okay, so these are for February14th through February 20th.
Happy Valentine's Day to those of y'allthat celebrate Happy Day. Happy meet.
Day. To those that don't.
Yeah, there you go. I haven't eventhought about meet day in a little while,
but so in college,
Grady and I decided thatValentine's Day was too dramatic,
(02:38):
whether you're in a relationship or not.
And maybe that was just beingin college in the two thousands.
Everything was drama, but.
We.
Decided.
What? Well, maybe I just really wantedbarbecue and got on myself. Right.
Soapbox out of sarcasm. And you andthe twins took it too seriously.
That happened a lot actually.
(02:59):
But yeah, we went on a barbecueroad trip and it was great. Yeah,
you could do that too.That's still an option. Yes.
But when you get backfrom your hot date and or
barbecue road trip, or you could combinethem theoretically, that could be fun.
Maybe not with this crop ofmovies. Let's not try that, fellas.
(03:21):
So we've got three.
One that I missed unless significantother is super into horror cheese.
Yes, yes. Which, yeah,
you got to, that's very high risk,high reward. When it works, it works.
And when it doesn't, it really doesn't.In terms of horror cheese. And I say.
That from too, some comingSoons, I would say, yeah, sure.
(03:44):
Make this a date movie.It'll be a fun icebreaker.
These handle with Care.
So the first one I actuallymissed from last week,
this one's already out on VOD.
This is a night's war from Canada andthe US and I think the movie is much
cooler than the title, whichdoes feel really generic.
(04:05):
This feels, sorry, read the synopsisand then I'll make fun of it.
The Synopsis,
A Fearless Night Braves a DeadlyRealm to save the Chosen One's
soul facing witchesdemons, and brutal foes.
He discovers her returncould ignite chaos and Doom
humanity.
(04:28):
Dead.
Founder sells, I think.
Like someone was going to make aDiablo movie and lost the license
like three hours into production and thenjust soldiered on and made it anyway.
Yes. Yes.
Is exactly what it feels like.
I think the title and thedescription kind understate just
(04:52):
how dark and gothic the fantasy is.
It comes off as sort of a Lord of theRings vibe and that's definitely there,
but it feels much more like
Skyrim with all the extragothic mods turned on.
Yes.
But it comes from good stock. So
(05:14):
the main fellow in this is Jeremy Berg,
who's been in a fair amountof independent Canadian stuff,
including Death Valley,
which is on Shutter and I thinkwas literally sort of a home shot
monster movie. It's all movie.It doesn't look home shot at all.
And the director was his brother,I think brother maybe cousin,
(05:36):
but I think Brother Matthew Berg,
who you remember Psycho Goreman.
I.
Do remember Psycho Goreman.
He was the very same, alright,
he played Psycho Goreman and Psycho Goman.
A very difficult time.
Imagining what a psycho goreman withoutall the psycho goreman on him would look
(05:56):
like.
I super tall dude from NovaScotia apparently. Yeah.
So he's directing and hisbrother and some other folks
including Kristen Castor,who was also in Death Valley.
Yeah.
They're credited the Bergswith working on in a violent
(06:21):
Nature.
But when I go to that on the
IMDB, it says that they were,
they've got names. One of 'em isJohnny, one of 'em is the Ranger,
but it says scenes deleted and then theyhave other people cast in those roles
further up. So my assumption ismaybe somebody ran out of money.
(06:44):
Maybe there were artisticdifferences, maybe they just decided.
Something led to them impersonating thisdude and rerecording all of his stuff
with a different actor.
Yes. And it's not just him.
There are 1, 2, 3, 4,
6 people on here
that it says scenes deleted. Sowho knows? Maybe totally innocent,
(07:07):
maybe creative differences,
but I know what's it.
That the Canadian film industry is superweird sometimes and that might have
something to do with it.
Like their actors unions worka lot differently than ours,
and there might've been somewires that got crossed is my.
(07:27):
Best. And I don't knowhow independent these are.
It could be independent like a coupleof guys just shooting stuff on the
weekend, which is cool. It could be, Hey,
that's how we started and now we've gotsome actual money from some production
companies and we have to follownew rules. Who knows? I don't know.
(07:47):
But just the affiliation toPsycho Goman alone and the trailer
makes this definitely seem interesting.
I don't know how much traction it'sgoing to get because people don't always
like to IMDB says Action fantasy horror.
And I know a lot of people who want thosesiloed and don't like crossing those
streams and we're fine withit, I think for the most part.
(08:09):
But I don't know how typical we are.
Just the fantasy horrorVenn diagram is a lot
narrower than the thriller horrorVenn diagram or the sci-fi horror Venn
diagram.
I'm not sure why exactly, but.
(08:32):
I don't get it either.
A lot of the classic gothichorror stuff is rooted in fantasy.
I mean, there's a bigger throughline there than most people realize.
Well, any folk horror, the differencebetween a fantasy and a folk horror,
if it comes down to is itbright and there literally,
is it shot during the dayand there are hobbits?
(08:54):
Or is it shot at night and there's moreblood? If that's the only difference,
then I don't understand. But I dunno.
I dunno. But it's on VODnow. And I'm assuming,
and don't quote me on thisbecause I have no actual idea,
but I'm assuming because Psycho Goremanwas on Shutter and because a bunch of
other Canadian films, independentCanadian films are on shutter,
(09:18):
including Death Valley, whichthey were all involved with.
I think this could be a shutter pickin a little while. Maybe an exclusive,
maybe not, but I would not be surprisedto see this on Shutter before too long.
Fair.
Enough. Then a littlesomething for everyone,
because the day we'rereleasing this on V-Day,
(09:39):
on Valentine's Day, we havesomething is about to happen.
Oh no, not.
Something. No, not something.What could be the something,
and I honestly have no ideabecause this trailer is sort of,
it's very Melissa.
I think that's the way we're going tohave to make her watch this trailer.
Maybe the movie when she's back,because this wreaks of Melissa.
(10:02):
Yeah. There is a 50 50 chance that thelady in the trailer is about to hack off
someone's John.
Yes, yes. Yeah.
A woman's life takes adefinitive turn. May I've.
Known Melissa Long enough that Ithink that about every woman in every.
Movie trailer I see. But.
(10:23):
She has, well, I wasabout to say a fetish,
and that's probably notaccurate. I hope you're.
Okay at that. Let's not pull that thread.
But yeah. Yes, she does.
It's like that Phineas Inverb quote,
if I had a nickel for every time Melissamade me watch a movie where somebody's
(10:46):
junk got sliced off, I only have, what,
three or four nickels atthis point? Maybe five.
But it's alarming. It'shappened that many times. Yes.
A woman's life takes a definitive turnthe day that she loses her job as a
computer programmer,which is just Bravo IMDB.
(11:10):
That's just perfect that really,
I almost didn't even include thisbecause it doesn't feel like horror
only it's listed as it on IMDBand on releases.com where I
check all the VD releases. But it's also,
there's a line in the trailer,
(11:30):
one of the promos that says it goes fromsomething like an offbeat dramedy to
a psychotic thriller or a bizarrethriller or something like that. Okay.
I could see this being the kind ofmovie where there's a genre shift.
Yeah, I could too.
The likelihood of Johnsondisposal just went up to
(11:50):
75%. So it's got that for it.
The scene from Big Lebowski where theydrop the ferret into the bath just
popped into my head. Nice. Marmon.
Also completely unrelated tothat, the guy in this movie,
(12:14):
I was a little distracted becausethe guy in this trailer looked
almost exactly like Adam Driver,
who I only know as the really bigguy that John Oliver kept trying
to get to sit on him during the pandemic.
So yeah.
(12:35):
I could see that. I coulddefinitely see that.
I don't recall if he ever got hiswish. I'm assuming he did, because his.
Job, I think Adam Driver called him onthe season finale and yelled at him.
That works too.
What is with the spin? Why do youkeep saying all this stuff about me?
(12:58):
Yeah. So yeah, this one,
some of the other promos talkedabout Goya, I think nomination,
but maybe an award for the lead actor.
So I don't know.
This feels like a Melissa movie. Weshould harass her and make her watch this.
(13:19):
That will be my goal. Sure. Marcus.I'm happy to watch it if it's weird.
Perfect.
There is absolutely, absolutely noway this will blow up in our faces.
No, no, no, no, no. Now I couldclone her voice with an AI clone. I.
Guess we've been overthis. No, but y'all take.
(13:40):
It personally. None of shame on you.
I don't want the say worksto come for me. For one,
welcome our new robot over Lords. Okay.
I mean, it'd be a lateralmove from where we are now,
but still no bad Marcus.
Then on Monday the 17th,something that's less Melissa,
(14:01):
and I think honestly more me,
the baby in the basket fromthe United Kingdom Kingdom,
a baby in a basket is left on thesteps of an isolated monastery on a
Scottish island.
The nuns take it in planning tocare for it until a storm passes.
Soon though, strange and unexplainedevents begin to happen at the convent,
(14:27):
it's felt to me like sort of aby the numbers none horror movie,
and I'm here for that.
There were more dudes than I wasexpecting in a nun horror movie.
Like.
Any dude, at least the trailer. Yeah.Usually there are very few, if any dudes,
but there were dudes in this one and.
None. I dunno. The last conventhorror I saw was Immaculate,
(14:48):
which we had pretty different opinions on,
and that's kind of sour to be on conventhorror for the next little while.
But hey, maybe this one will be good,
or maybe this'll be another Jesus clonespliced with a T-Rex. I don't know.
We'll see.
(15:08):
I will admit I was not as hot onimmaculate once I saw the first
omen, which was considerably better.
That'll do it.
But I did enjoy Immaculate and I did
enjoy trolling y'all about the ending,but it did have some tone issues.
It couldn't decide if it wanted to beserious or ridiculously campy. And.
(15:30):
You have to pick or JurassicPark, but with Jesus, yes.
Jesus. Sick park.
Well, so, oh, okay. Well,I was going to say a baby.
The baby in the basketis 5.5 out of 10 on.
(15:51):
Okay, I'm done. 5.5 out of 10 on imdb,
but it's only got 12 reviews rightnow, so that probably isn't fair.
Yeah, you always kind of have to giveit at least two extra points. Give.
Give For sure. For sure. So Idon't know, I can't promise a.
Ton. Roger Ebert hated horror,
and every Wouldbe internetcritic wants to be Roger Ebert.
(16:14):
Yeah. Called him dead teenager movies.Yeah, that's sort of the whole point.
Again, don't threaten me with a good time.
(16:35):
So you want to yell at your cloud?
Why don't you go ahead andtalk about yours first.
Okay.
So I really want to know why yourscreen name is. I am a great magician.
Because I am a great magician.
My shirt is red. No,
my shirt is black and I'mnot even going to shirt.
(17:00):
I'm not even going toexplain that. If you know,
don't Google it and drop everythingand watch that movie because it is
perhaps, have I made Emily watchthat movie? I don't think I have.
She's still in a relationship withyou, so I'm going to guess No.
Okay. That needs to happen. Maybenot on Valentine's Day weekend.
(17:22):
Maybe that's pushing it. No,
but our fifth anniversary is comingup in a few weeks, so maybe that's.
Let's not have it be attachedto any special occasion.
Let's just have it be a random weekend.Weekend when y'all are bored. Okay.
Okay. Well, we'll see.We'll, we'll play it by ear,
(17:44):
but I think that needs tohappen. So Water Monster
was still in kind of a monsterymove from last week and
I think the week before,
because I did the tank andthere was another monster.
I don't remember whatI did the week before,
but monsters were still on my brain.And so I googled around and I looked,
(18:06):
and the Letterboxed or Water monster,
which is from China,was saying, well, man,
it is just the creature from theBlack Lagoon, but with Kung Fu,
and at least some of the letterboxreviews made that sound like a bad thing.
I said, wait, me, that'sobjectively not. Exactly.
(18:27):
That sounds amazing.
And it had already been on my list on
Hayah, the martial arts channel,which I don't watch a ton on,
but when you're in a kung fumood, Hayah is where it's at,
and it's also dirt cheap.
(18:48):
I don't remember how much Ipaid for your subscription,
but it's not much at all.
And every time you bring up Haya,it reminds me that Haya exists,
and that means this weekend I getto watch Baby Assassins again.
Yes, yes. They came.
Out. That is the only thingI have watched on Haya,
and it is totally validatedmy Hiya subscription.
Have you seen the second one?
(19:08):
No, but I need to.
Yeah. Yeah. They cameout with the second one.
I've been saving it towatch when you're around,
and I keep forgetting aboutit when you are around,
but Water Monster from 2019 from China,
a man killed by, and I know this is goingto sound racist, it's not, I promise.
I think something justgot lost in translation.
(19:29):
A man killed by a quote Watermonkey while fishing with his son.
It's not, it's genuinely not.
I'm going to trust you in avacuum. That does sound bad.
It does. I will give you that.And I know China has some,
we do too. We have some issueswith that sort of stuff, but
(19:52):
I don't think they mean a literal monkey.
And even that they shouldhave just stuck with Monster.
I think that was a translation issue,
but a man killed by a watermonkey while fishing with his
son, because IMDB doesn't translate. Well,
10 years later,
the monster reappears and kills people.
(20:14):
The son has to assemble villagerstogether to fight the monster to protect
his lover. I mean,
it's Creature of the Black Lagoon,
but Chinese and with Kung Fu.
Yes.
And also it's only 77 minutes long.
Yeah, that tracks.
(20:36):
You see the monster pretty early.
And I love American actionmovies, don't get me wrong,
but we don't do the Wire funearly as much or nearly as
well. And so in an American movie,
there's a lot of shooting and a lotof yelling and a lot of slow-mo this,
they strapped the dudein the monster suit,
(20:57):
put some wires around his wristsand his ankles and everything,
and then spun him in the airwhile throwing stuff at him.
And I'm sure it wasn'tall practical effects,
but it's so ridiculous and crazy that it
works. So I mean,
(21:18):
I can't say that all of the Chinesesense of humor landed for me.
You can tell they're kind of spoofing,sort of like on an expendables level,
all the tropes and thesidekicks that are maybe stupid,
maybe a little intellectuallydisabled. It's not completely clear.
I think I'm losing somethingin translation there too.
Some of that didn't land for me, butthe Kung fu and the Water Monster,
(21:43):
that definitely landed for me. Alright.
And it had big sci-fi movie,
original Energy, and.
Some of the reviews also, Iknow how this is going to sound,
but it feels like everymovie we've reviewed from China has big sci-fi original
movie Energy. Oh yeah. Or atleast tries to. Absolutely.
(22:04):
Some of them arguably doNot Succeed add Spider Sea.
I am looking in your direction.
So I have a friend of mine, acolleague, is from Shanghai,
and I thought he was cool. I did.
I thought he was cool and hecould still recover from this,
but we were hanging outand we were talking about a research paper we're doing,
and I said, oh, by the way, I sawa movie from China this weekend.
(22:26):
He looked at me and kind of went, oh.
And I told him a little about thepodcast and I told him, water Monster.
And he looked at medeeply, deeply suspicious.
And he Googled it and he looked at it andhe had this look on his face like, oh,
you poor bastard. And hesaid, there are cinemas,
studio production companies in China thattry to spend as little as possible on
(22:47):
movies they send directly to the internet.
And then if only one out of ahundred makes a profit, that's okay.
They're good with that. And Ilooked at him and I said, yeah.
We have that in Americatoo. It's called the Asylum.
I told him that too.
And I told him about Cosa versus therest of them in Sharknato. I said,
(23:08):
we do that too.
But he seemed to miss the part where this
was a good thing. Thiswas a feature, not a bug.
And he promised he'd find a goodChinese movie for me to watch.
And I don't.
That defeats the purpose though.
It does. It does. I'm not trying.
To appreciate your culture. We're tryingto make fun of it. It sounded bad.
(23:31):
Now that I say that out loud.
Rethink our whole mission statement here.
There's a trashy movie about the ChupaCobra on Tubi. I want to watch that too.
Yes. Insult me. But I came homeand I told Emily about this.
The trash is part of thekaleidoscope of life.
(23:53):
Yes.
You can't just give us all thegood stuff that's just patronizing.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It'slike that line from Gladiator.
It all adds to the flavor.
But I came home and Itold Emily about this,
and she said in fairness that shehad had the same reaction when I
(24:14):
told her about Water Monster.And that prompted me to do the,
did you call the frowny.
Call it a water monkey, becausethat might have also been a factor.
No, no, no. I've been verycareful about that. Yes.
But when she said she wasn'tinterested, I did the frowny,
Michael Serra, the Sadfrom Arrested Development,
(24:35):
and I realized that everybody betrayedme and I fed up with this swirl.
So yeah. Anyway,
if you want to see peoplegetting dismembered by a dude
in a black preacher from theBlack Lagoon suit doing Kung fu,
(24:55):
then subscribe to High Ya and watchthis movie because it is, and.
Probably like seven or eight other movies,
I'm pretty sure have thatexact same description on ia.
We just haven't found them yet.
Pretty much. Yeah, prettymuch. And I got to, again,
with the genre mashups, I guesswe could say the same thing here,
and IMDB does list this as fantasy,
but I think that has moreto do with China and their
(25:20):
domestic rules andpreferences about horror and.
Fantasy. Yeah, there's some weird,
when the government controls your mediato the extent that China's government
controls their media, there's goingto be some weird genre decisions.
You got to ride around some.
(25:40):
Things. Yeah. Dictatorship'sgoing to dictate,
and that's a bummer. But at the same time,
I would much rather be talking about amovie that we can just pretend is fantasy
and not horror instead of all the nastythings we'd be talking about otherwise
if we were actually at eachother's throats anyway.
I liked it. I think three anda half stars on Letterboxed.
(26:04):
No fear whatsoever. Watch it, make yourfriends, watch it, subscribe to Hiya.
Yes. And then after you watchthat watch maybe assassins.
Yeah. Well,
and that's the other funthing about Hiya too,
because just scrolling through it,
I can tell at this point just by lookingat the description and the poster and
(26:27):
everything, if it's a, because theymostly pull stuff from across East Asia.
It's from wel Go USA, which is from, Ithink headquartered in Plano actually.
So it's both very foreign and veryloco, very local. Maybe loco too.
I can kind of tell just from lookingif it's a Chinese movie or South Korean
(26:48):
movie or a Japanese movieor from Southeast Asia,
they've all sort of gottheir own personalities and different media structures
too,
which leads to different typesof movies and similar takes on
similar ideas, but still distinct. Idon't know. I have a lot of fun with it.
(27:10):
Okay, I'm going to yell atclouds now. Okay. I'm excited.
So my movie
was Die Alone from 2024.
It is on Tubi and from Canada.
Always, by the way, a great sentenceon Tuby from Canada. Love that.
(27:35):
I, MDB summary tells thestory of a young man,
thats how it starts, tellsthe story of a young man.
We've got a sentence fragmenthere who has amnesia.
He bands together with arugged survivalist in a zombie-like outbreak to find
his girlfriend.
The Rugged survivalist isplayed by Carrie Ann Moss. Nice.
(28:00):
She is the reason thatthis movie stood out to me.
She is what made this movie tolerable.
Seriously. She is just a cool old lady
and the decent actress.
Too.
(28:20):
I feel like part of the issue is thatthe things that she's most well-known
for is The Matrix,
and there are statistically far morebad matrix movies than Good Matrix
movies, which is a shame becauseone Good Matrix movie was really.
Good. Yeah. Genre defining.
(28:41):
But Area Moss is a good actress.
And she's good at this and it's goodthat she was good in this because
otherwise this movie had some,
this is not really mykind of movie because this
kind of borrows from,
(29:02):
this kind of carries on the trend thatI think mostly started with the Walking
Dead and was carried on by the lastof us and just a whole host of other
zombie movies and Joesand whatnot that become
sense.
Apparently the zombie apocalypseturns everyone into assholes.
(29:22):
Oh yeah. That tracks.
And this movie in.
Particular, there's a lot of emphasis.
So I'm going to get into thisas spoiler free as I can,
but I don't think this part's a spoiler.
This happens literally the first timewe see a zombie is when we notice this.
(29:43):
So the zombies in this movie arelike plant creatures, basically.
Remember the mushroomzombies from the Gaia,
I think?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
It's basically a more realized andalso slightly lower special effects
(30:03):
budget version of that.
So kind of last of us see.
More moss than mushroom,
but still they're lurchingplant people basically.
And the main characters
(30:23):
use the fact that they'replant creatures to.
Go into this big,
oh, we think we're being philosophical,but we're really not rant about, oh,
the earth is fighting back againsthumanity. We've gone too far.
(30:44):
The Berg Demic Shock and Terror lectureon global warming comes to mind.
Except they don't evenbring up global warming.
It's just the fact thathumans are assholes.
There is nothing environmental.
About the things thatthey're complaining about.
If anything, they're complaining abouthow people acted during the pandemic.
(31:06):
Which was also terrible,don't get me wrong.
But we don't see anythingabout the environment.
We just see people holding up signsand refusing to wash their hands and
violence in the streets. And.
It ultimately does not factorinto the plot that much.
(31:27):
It feels like something theyjust kind of tacked on and
it's kind.
Of caused me to, I'm sure this existsand someone's already talked about it,
but I've never heard anyone talk about it,
so I'm going to go aheadand coin a term for it.
Okay.
Misery, pandering.
(31:49):
Yeah.
Because in the year of our Lord2025, when everything sucks and yeah,
everything does.
Suck. I'm not going to get into that here.
But
it feels like complaining about howmuch everything sucks has become such a
hot button,
(32:09):
easy to get applause and clicksthing that it's just kind of getting
shoehorned into stuff. Yeah,
that's what I thought until I watchedthis movie the entire way through
and.
Then I started wondering something.
(32:30):
I'm going to try to get intothis as spoiler free as.
Possible, but
pretty much all of thecharacters that are.
Voicing this, everything sucks.And this virus is humanity,
is the earth's way of wiping out humanitybecause the earth is sick of our shit.
That whole narrative.
(32:52):
Is pushed by charactersthat aren't super reliable
narrators.
And we also only see the
post apocalypse humanity beingterrible each other to each other
(33:12):
aspect of this film throughpeople being terrible to the.
Protagonists specifically.
And we learn things about the protagonists
later in the.
Movie. Great.
And that's about far as I can go withoutspoiling things. So I'm wondering,
is this on purpose?
(33:34):
Did this movie set up allof this misery pandering and
set up this Walking Dead Lastof us esque expectation on
purpose to disguise the plot twist?
And I only had this realization aboutan hour before we started recording,
(33:54):
and I frantically looked to see if therewas anyone that talked about this movie
and had the same theory andI couldn't find anything.
I mean, it would make sense.
And the misery porn, the misery pandering,
that's such a staple in zombie movies.
That's part of the reason I can'tget into it anymore. It's always,
(34:15):
oh my God, everything isterrible. There are zombies. Yes,
I know everything is alwaysterrible. But now especially, can we,
what are we doing? What are we doing?
And it gets so preachy after a while.
So trying to invert that could be fun,
but it doesn't sound likethis really stuck the Landing.
(34:39):
I kind of was looking forsomething to latch onto.
It was kind of a are you seriousor is this ironic sort of thing.
And it's really difficult to getinto specifics without spoiling the
twist.
Which, how zany is it? Are wetalking an maniacs level twist?
Are we talking success.
(35:01):
Level twist closer tosix sense level twist.
Okay.
And I realized I just dated myself bypulling two nineties references out of my
ass. But still.
No, that's okay. It's
the kind of twist that's beendone in a horror movie before
and just in this context withall the other stuff going
(35:25):
on,
it felt original or original ish enough
that I wondered is some of whatI thought was shortcomings.
In this movie Done on purpose.
And
(35:47):
unless you really care about itand want to see it, I may tell you.
The twist afterward just to,you know what I'm talking about.
Or just do it either way.
So.
Basically turns.
Out that the main character,the dude with amnesia,
he is a zombie and hisgirlfriend and later
(36:10):
after something in the prologuehappened to his girlfriend, Carrie.
Ann Moss kind of are feeding him
people. Okay.
They're feeding him people. Yes. And.
They're the ones that keep talking abouthow humanity sucks and all the other
(36:35):
characters are mean to him,
and you find out the othercharacters are being mean to them.
They know what they're doing.
Oh, okay. How does henot know? He is a zombie.
Because of the amnesia.
But he's not walking around.
Walks. He works out when he eatspeople and when he comes to,
(36:55):
he forgets everything. He forgetsa zombie outbreak even happened.
I feel like if I ate somebody,I would remember that.
Well, that's because you don'thave a tree in your brain.
I realize now that I've describedit all, this sounds very stupid.
(37:23):
I can see maybe the first time,what am I doing? I don't understand.
But at some point muscle memory kicksin and you're like, yeah, I'm a zombie.
I.
Want to,
that just feels like it'strying so incredibly hard.
(37:51):
But going back to my pointnow that we know what kind of
characters this guy and Garyand Moss and his dead girlfriend
is all of the usual zombie movie,everybody, socks trappings.
Was that meant to mislead? I mean,
(38:13):
to some degree. Yeah, it would.
Make sense.
Then I asked myself, were the writersof the movie clever enough to do this?
And I'm not a hundredpercent sure on that.
Well,
it reminds me of the conversation aboutImmaculate that we were just having,
because you could do thatin a campy stupid way.
(38:36):
That's a lot of fun andmake a point with it.
Or you could try to do somethingso silly very seriously
and it just kind of doesn't land. Right.
Yeah, no,
and that is definitely this movie'sbiggest fault is it is All edge.
Yeah.
(38:57):
The first 30 seconds, and I probablyshould have opened with this,
this is a big trigger warning first30 seconds, dude shoots himself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is that kind of edge Lord of a movie.
And you can't do that and have,oh, by the way, I'm a zombie law.
If you can put law at theend of your plot twist, then
(39:23):
how.
Simple you can put wall at the end ofany plot twist is just how sarcastic are
you being with that law?
Yeah,
yeah. Fair enough.
My psychiatrist wasdead the whole time law.
(39:46):
Yeah, but dad, but I have.
My mom's corpse in the attic and I dresslike her and stab people lull. See,
you can do that with any twist.
Okay, fair enough. Fair enough.All alright. Fair enough,
fair enough. But I don'tknow, maybe this is just.
(40:07):
Me. Sorry, I spoiled the endingto Casablanca. It's an old movie.
Everyone needs to get over it.
Maybe it's just me. I just get sotired of preachy, zombie movies.
Maybe the best example, the bestrecent example was the sadness,
which also I suppose had thatsame issue because if you want.
(40:30):
To lean into, oh yeah, that's whatthat movie was known for, that was
the Edge Lord Zombie movie, to thepoint that it was kind of overhyped,
I thought.
Yeah, yeah, I would agree with that.
And if you have fun withthat kind of blood splatter,
something like Blood Fest or Hell Fest,you can have a lot of fun with it.
(40:53):
But if you couple that edge,
Lord ridonculous violence with asuper somber, super serious tone,
then at some point youstart to get whiplash
and the sadness has its place. I'mnot even really knocking it, but.
Sure. And again,
(41:13):
I get why.
Especially not to puttoo fine a point on it,
but in the year of our Lord 2025,
I get why misery porn is a thing.
Yeah.
I regret that misery pandis a thing, but I get
everything sucks is avalid opinion to have.
(41:34):
I am not trying to takethat away from you.
And if you feel seen when you see thatreflected in the things you watch and
you seek out stuff for that purpose,if that's your way of dealing with it.
I get it.
That's a reasonable thing to do.
(41:54):
I personally prefer escapism,
but that's got just as many faults as
that, and
there are better thingsthan this to watch.
If you have that urge.
I mean, sometimes it's rare,
(42:17):
but sometimes I do have the urge to justwatch something that's like none more
black and just get my bleak on.
My personal favorite for thatis the dark and the wicked.
Partly because it was shot in Texasand partly because it is really bleak,
but even then there's a limit. And too,
(42:40):
if you dwell on how mucheverything always sucks,
then nothing's going to getbetter. Nothing's going to change,
especially when a lot of the peoplemaking everything suck or doing it just to
trigger a reaction fromyou just to get you
to say something crazy or feel shitty,
and so just don't justbe like you're weird.
(43:01):
Stop that the point of.
Your watch, especially when the movieexecutives of the world are being like,
oh yeah, everything suresucks. Watch our movie.
Yes.
There is a weird commercial angleto it too. You're absolutely right.
Misery pandering.
Yep. Now,
(43:22):
Tubi in tub's defense tubiis not particular to misery.
Pandering Tubi is particular to whatevervideos they can find at the Goodwill
that they can digitize and throw up there.
They're very equalopportunity in toy's. Defense.
I don't know when they startbringing genetics into it,
that's where I just have to say, takea step back and be like, you okay Tuby?
(43:44):
I thought, did you do that?No. Did you take the test?
It's your tubi test orsomething like that.
I'll put a link to it in the shownotes, but it walks you through.
I watched the Tubi SuperBowl Ed. It was unsettling.
I believe it. Yeah.
But you answer a bunch of questionsand it gave, what did it give me?
(44:07):
So it told me my moviegenetics and it was mostly
accurate. Here we go. Alright, you'retotally scientific. That's itis,
by the way, my test to be.com,
your totally scientificresults are back from the lab.
20% sci-fi, 19% horror,
18% comedy.
(44:30):
I'm surprised horror is only 18%.
19, but yeah. Oh, okay. Basically,
I mean almost a three-way tiebetween sci-fi horror and comedy.
Okay.
What's the other 40%?Let's see. 16% documentary,
8% Western, 5% crime,5% drama, 5% reality,
(44:53):
4% romance. And I do have aslight beef with this last one.
0% fantasy.
I would definitely putfantasy above at least
romance in reality. But
sometimes you feel alien here on Earthwhere others say, yikes. You say,
yes, please.
(45:15):
Yeah.
That's accurate. Everyone wantsyou in their inner circle. No,
that's definitely nottrue. Congratulations.
You're an otherworldlyviewer that sits amongst us.
I can't argue with most of that.
Yeah.
So I did redo it and try to game thesystem to give me as much horror as I
could, and I managed to get horror up to.
(45:38):
End up on an FBI watch list.
Maybe. Yeah, I got horror to 25 or 26%,
but then it was followed by I think
maybe drama or romance or something likeTubi knew what I was doing and it was
trolling me right back.
So I don't know about that, but I can't,
(46:02):
the only beef I have with it isthat fantasy, which is much too low.
But the rest of it, sci-fi horror comedy.Yeah, I'm here for that. That works.
I mean, I watched a movie with.
So this is a shorter episode.Why don't we do something fun?
It's buy test two b.com.
Yes. Yes. Do it.
Okay.
(46:23):
Do it, do it, do it. Do it. We're.
Going to do this live.
What should we call you,
(46:43):
Mr. Awesome.
You wake.
Up in the middle of thedesert and see a saloon.
You enter and you await a saloon pass.
Challenge someone to a dual,
skip to the piano player and requestyour favorite tune al coin on the
(47:04):
bar and demand a cold drink.
Timeout real quick for procedural stuff.
So you've got four choices for everyprompt and it randomizes them every time.
So that's what continue.
Okay.
Oscillating between pianoplayer and gold to coin
(47:26):
and cold drink.
I remember what I did, but I don't wantto tell you. I don't want to bias you.
Okay. Piano player
outhouse break. You enter andare transported through a portal.
You spawn in the middle of a lush forestand you feel something in your pocket.
(47:52):
I've got something inmy front pocket for you.
Don't reach out in mypocket and see what it is.
Oh, okay. That's the wrong one.
There we go.
Okay. That is not one ofthe options, by the way.
Magic sword. That shows you aworld of in pain, time to save it.
(48:13):
You get scared to take off your pants.
It's a locket with a photo of a sexyelf inside spoon. You put the locket on.
It's a bag of glitter.
You sprinkle some onto yourselfand start chatting with animals.
Sword or sexy elf,
(48:38):
sword. Sword. Suddenly two.
People rush past and knock you over.
There are loud sirensin the enchanted forest.
Apparently they're running away fromthe law. They drop a bag of cash,
you open it and grab a few stacks.
You stop the police and give them cleardescription of the suspects you run in
(48:59):
their direction and join the heists.
You disassociate. Too intense.
I love that. Any of these couldbe the plot of a Tubby movie.
Literally any.
Of them.
In real life, I wouldprobably disassociate, but
I'm going to say I'm going to run intheir direction and join the heist. Nice.
(49:24):
After that encounter, you head tothe hospital to get checked out.
The doctor reports. You have three days.
To live. You
replay your whole life andpractice deep gratitude.
You film A-G-R-W-M to die video and
memorialize your last moments on theinternet. I don't know what that means.
(49:45):
Yeah, I didn't either. Let megoogle it real quick. What was it?
GRWM to die video.
GRWM to die.
We probably just exposedourselves as olds.
(50:10):
The other choices.
Are hit up your dog walker tobring your pup to the hospital.
Got to soak up every second,
or hire an event planner and dropall your cash on a bye-bye party.
I mean.
In real life, I'd do the dog thing as,
I mean obviously.
Oh, okay. It means get ready with me.
(50:31):
Oh, that's stupid. I'mpicking the dog walker.
Apparently
there are people who are dying whoget on TikTok and actually do that,
which I could understand how itcould be therapeutic for some people.
Yeah, but not me. I'mgetting Henry in here.
(50:52):
Yeah, that makes sense.
The doctor sees you crying and says,just kidding. I was messing with you.
You are so healthy and are able tokeep slaying in life with this news.
You laugh. The doctor really got you.
You skip out of the ER with relief.Return to work and check your email,
pretend to die right there asthe ultimate prank on the doctor.
(51:13):
Sue the hospital for malpractice.You win a million dollars in court.
I think in real life I wouldactually punch the doctor,
but as that's not an option.
I'm going to say pretend to die rightthere as the ultimate prank on the doctor.
Okay. That one I did as well. Yes.
Okay. You need to de-stress after that.
(51:34):
A friend trip makes it out of what?
A friend trip makes itout of the group chat and.
Onto a private, what
are you having a stroke?
Okay, we're salad. We'reon a private island now.
(51:54):
Upon arrival, you take an outdoorshower, overhear your friends,
calling you trashy, and startrecording for blackmail.
Snag the best bedroom and FaceTimeyour situation, ship all day.
Unpack, discover bedbugs andruin the vibes in the via.
Refuse to get out of the sprinter van.
Drama starts in here. I don'tlike any of these choices.
(52:19):
I feel like Tubby, maybe.
I'm, I'm confused how there'sa sprinter van on an island.
How did the van get to the island?
I want to know when I knocked Danunconscious and stole a sprinter van.
Also that
(52:42):
and how you got it all the way toan island, because despite the name,
that thing does not go fast.
No. Well,
of the choices I could parse.
Because I think David ishaving a stroke right now.
I can either discover big bugsand ruin the vibe of the via.
Or refuse to get outof the sprinter van. I
(53:09):
going to discover bedbugs.
Nice.
There is a power outage on the island.
You can't find your princein the pitch dark villa.
I think it's pronounced Villa.Didn't you hear a scream?
You smile, hot twist. You arethe villain and you plan to this.
(53:29):
Shatter a wine glass and get readyto fight. Crawl into a hiding spot,
bump into a housemate andteam up to find safety.
Text the hot neighbors as they.
Invite you to safety. Bye. You are out.
Okay. This is a genuinely tough one.
(53:52):
Not saying I would competently doit or it would lead to anything.
Good, but I'm going to shatter awine glass and get ready to fight.
Nice.
OMG. There was a murder on the tripand the story is headline news,
A two B original documentary calledThe Villa Villain is being made.
When you're approached for an interview,you decline. It's too much of a vibe.
(54:14):
Conflict with your memoir.Suddenly have short-term amnesia.
Agree to speak and let your electricityrecovery charity for the island.
What about your notes app andrecount every shady detail.
I'm going to say short-termamnesia. You're getting another.
(54:36):
Call. It's your significantother, the sexy elf.
They tell you they have accepted a joboverseas and need to have a serious talk
about the relationship.
You leave sexy elf on read call sexy elf,
throw them out. No chasing.Just attracting you mentally. Prepare for a breakup.
What else could it be?
Your heart is pounding. SexyElf's. Definitely proposing, right?
(55:01):
You had forgotten aboutsexy elf, hadn't you?
I had, yes. I.
Thought when I didn't pickthe sexy elf locket, I
removed sexy elf from the proceedings.
Plot twist Tubi. Sexy elf is neverremoved from the proceedings.
Well,
(55:21):
I'm going to leave sexy elfon re because I am a sexual,
turns out what sexy elf saidoverseas job, they meant outer space.
Sexy Elf is part of an elite group ofaliens who came down to earth to research
the liminal space that existsin the spacetime continuum.
Sexy elf morphs into a hot alien andasks you to board their spaceship.
(55:46):
You look up at the stars andthink, nah, Earth's still home.
Start looking for the hidden camera that'sbeen rolling on you this whole time.
Start mood boarding your futurespace crib in your head. Ask for a.
Spaceship Tour tutorialon every room is a must.
I guess I'm beginning to suspect this.
(56:07):
Whole thing might be stupid.
What? No. This is the top minds.
Top minds. Top men, I think is the line.
Top men have been workingon this for years.
This is pure scientific data collection.
Tubi is in your head right now, and Tubialready knows what you're going to say.
(56:30):
Well, I'm going to startlooking for the hidden camera.
Tubi knew that.
Mr. Awesomes analysis. Iforgot that I named myself Mr.
Awesome. Okay.
26% comedy, 22% crime, 21% fantasy.
(56:52):
I could see that
somewhat worrying for theco-host of a horror podcast.
Or is it 8%?
Well, so I think some of thehorror decisions conflicted with some of the sci-fi
decisions. I think is part ofit, maybe, or I don't know.
(57:13):
Well, I only got 7%.
Then. I don't know. But comedy and crime,
what's the description of it?
A comedy, sun, crime,moon, fantasy rising.
Everyone wants you in their inner circle.
I think it just says that to everybody.
(57:35):
Maybe.
You've never met a caseyou couldn't crack.
The realm of dreams is your preferredplace to play. Congratulations,
your wise cracking remotehijacker that sits amongst us,
and I'm not convincedTobe didn't have a stroke.
I mean, that is sort of yourrole on the podcast though too,
(57:57):
making wise cracks and brewwise cracks and listen.
Only being superficiallyinto horror. Yeah. Yeah.
That's basically what I do here.
Well, I think Tubi has onceagain proved its genius.
Okay.
(58:19):
Well check the, it givesyou recommendations too.
Yeah. Yeah, I will. Yeah. Let's see here.
Your tuby picks, assuming I'm assuming.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ooh, swingand a miss on all of these.
Oh, no. Yeah, I forgot.
(58:40):
This is Tuby.
What did it suggest?
Everybody.
Hates Chris.
Yeah, that was one of mine too.Okay. Which might be funny.
I don't know. I haven't seen it.I know it's Chris Rock's thing.
Yeah, yeah.
And Borders, which I've neverheard of. And Love Witch,
(59:01):
which appears to be gilobased solely on the thumbnail.
Yeah. It's sort of a Throwbacky Gilo.
Okay. Okay. I said, but it said,
not horror, but Jello or More crime,which that was one of mine. Okay.
That makes sense. Yeah.
That was on mine. Both of those wereon mine too, so it was Alcatraz,
(59:25):
which I had never heard of,but I love me some, Sam Neil,
so I may actually check it out.
Okay.
Interesting. And Lowlifes, which legithas been on my Tubi list for some time.
Okay.
If it helps, was interesting. Igot scared and took off my pants,
and I think that's what gave me horrorvibes when I felt something in my pocket
(59:45):
in the forest, and
yeah, I don't know. I'm just assuming.And to the surprise of no one,
when the Hot Alienappeared, I was like, yes,
let's go check out every singleroom on your fancy spaceship.
No hesitation.
Whatsoever. We are going.I strongly considered that,
(01:00:06):
but I thought I was kind of startingto game the system at this point,
and I thought, okay, that's the Fast trekto those crappy home renovation shows.
I don't want that.
I didn't even think about that, but yeah.
Yeah. So take your Tubi test,
have some fun with it and see what yougot. I'm going to make Emily take it too.
(01:00:30):
I think she saw my text, but she hasn'thad a chance to play around with it yet.
I don't think so, but it's fun.I love Tubi. It's stupid Tubi.
It is. I used to be a Tubiehater and now I'm not.
I'm a tubie garbage person At the endof the day. Tubi knows it. I know it.
You know? Definitely know it. I'vemade you watch movies for years.
(01:00:51):
Yes.
Well, if you are still listening,give us a shout out on threads.
Follow us on letterboxed. Give us ashout out on Letterboxed. If you want,
shoot us an email. Tellyour friends about us.
Tell your friends about My tubitest.com and subscribe to Hi
ya. Watch some zombie moviesand some monster movies,
(01:01:14):
and we'll be back next week hopefully,
to harass Melissa about a maybe
somber,
maybe kind of pompous Spanish movie witha twist where somebody's dingdong might
get chopped off. We never know.
Never, never. And in all honesty, ifshe were to just tell us that happened,
I would believe her sight unseen.
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