May 22, 2025 • 31 mins
Explore the intricate relationship between the emotional brain and intimacy in this episode with Dr. Robin Buckley. Uncover the myth that relationships are "hard work" and discover how emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy play crucial roles in a fulfilling sex life. Delve into the importance of experiential intimacy and learn how to use SWOT analysis for relationship growth. Discover how strategic discussions can foster deeper connections and why difficult conversations shouldn't happen in bed. Gain insights into developing relationship and sexual mission statements, and get introduced to the CBT framework. Wrap up with Dr. Buckley's insights and resources for further exploration.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
So when couples talk about their relationships,you know, this this emotional part of the
brain, the amygdala is firing.
And I always describe the amygdala like atoddler on caffeine.
But if you're looking for something thatinvolves intimacy, it takes time.
A lot of times what I have experienced is thatcouples who share very similar spiritual
intimacies, they they do have strongerfoundations because it's that value system.
(00:25):
It's what grounds them as a couple.
So it's not a matter of, oh, it's a threat andwe can't do it.
It's okay.
Now how are we gonna work around that?
Well, it's not possible to get everything fromone person.
So it's okay to say, that you know, my partnerdoesn't quite give me everything I want in the
area of emotional intimacy.
But there are times when the emotional intimacyis not as full as I want from him because he is
(00:50):
very much driven by his rational brain andsometimes I don't want to be.
Yeah.
So that's when I call up my sister or I call upmy best friend because they will absolutely,
you know, let me do whatever I want with myemotions.
And that's okay.
It doesn't mean he's not the right partner forme.
It doesn't mean he's cold by any means.
It just means that I want something a littlebit different or more.
(01:12):
Ideally, suggest a couple that at the at thelatest, they do a this is not something that
you do once and you never think about again.
If you're the founders of your relationship,how are you gonna make sure that it sustains
all the ups and downs that are gonna come justlike just like, you know, market values of a
business?
And you get to decide how to do that with allthe tools possible.
(01:32):
When people talk about marriage or arelationship being hard work, that is BS.
Hey, everybody.
Quick break in our episode to talk to you aboutour sponsor, MyLibidoDoc.
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(01:52):
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(02:14):
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Now back to our show.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to another episode on the lounge.
I'm your host, certified sexologist and libidoexpert, doctor Diane, and I have a treat for
(02:35):
you today.
I have with me doctor Robin Robin Buckley, andwe are going to talk about so many things
today.
Some of them we're gonna talk about sex versusintimacy.
A lot of times these conversations are confusedand I think so much of the time we focus on one
of the two in these conversations and we forgetthat sex and intimacy are different and we
(02:56):
forget that they're both important for thehealth and the maintenance of a relationship.
So we're gonna break that down, talk aboutstrategies for both, and one of the things that
I think is so cool about doctor Robin'smethodology, about what part of her
methodology, is taking business structure andbusiness systems and applying that same
(03:17):
methodology to relationship.
And I think this is so valuable because as anentrepreneur and as a business owner, what I've
seen in business, I do apply to life.
Right?
I apply to conversations that that I have aboutthe step kids.
I apply it to things like scheduling time in mylife and my day to day process for things like
(03:38):
fantasy and pleasure and my partner and more.
So I can see, like, how this is so important,and we're gonna break down some more of the
nitty gritty today and tell you how to getdoctor Robin's book and so many more things.
So thank you so much for joining me today,doctor Robin.
I'm so excited.
This will be fun.
Same here.
Same here.
(03:58):
So so much juicing is happening today, andlet's start big picture.
Right?
So let's start with this conversation ofintimacy versus sex.
Can you help just kinda lay some foundationalfound foundational groundwork for how these
things are different?
Yeah.
So intimacy is our connection to someone else,and it isn't necessarily only involving sex.
(04:23):
In fact, there's different types of intimacy.
There's emotional intimacy, there'sintellectual intimacy, there's spiritual
intimacy, and there's experiential intimacy.
And I think for a lot of us, we forget.
We just lump it under one category and the termintimacy is used synonymously to mean sex, and
these are not the same things.
(04:43):
As you as you can tell from this list, it's alot more faceted than those two being
interchangeable words.
So intimacy, at least in my perspective andmaybe yours as well, is that it creates the
foundation for the potential for a reallyhealthy sexual life.
So it's very challenging to have a healthy sexlife without intimacy, at least in the couples
(05:09):
that I've worked with.
Possible, but it's probably not a sex life thatis sustainable.
Yeah.
And I think there's so much to be said there.
I relate to all of that.
I actually had a personal realization recentlyaround, like, I get all my personal
realizations when I'm snowboarding, and I wassnowboarding a couple weeks ago, and so I was
thinking about business, like, frequently.
(05:30):
And I was like, maybe I should I really need tostop saying I'm a sex doc and start saying I'm
an intimacy doc, and it's for exactly all thosereasons because Yeah.
All of those things are the things I talk topeople about.
And so I think defining that is so key.
And one of the things in what you're saying islike, okay.
Well, can sex be as deep and as fulfilling?
(05:52):
I think, like, when people go and and have morejust, like, flings and one night stands, there
can be, like, some level fulfillment in that.
Do you see, like like, though that is difficultin those scenarios to get into more like this
other type of intimacy which can lead to thedepth of sex?
Absolutely.
(06:12):
And I am not, you know, and as I perceive youaren't, I don't judge.
If people want to go out and just have random,fun, non committal sex, as long as it's safe
and consensual, have at it.
%.
Have no issues with that.
But if you're looking for something thatinvolves intimacy, it takes time.
Takes time to know that person at that level,because very often, as strange as it might
(06:34):
sound, intimacy is more vulnerable than sexfor, I think, a good percentage of individuals,
because it's really getting into the thingsthat you value, and how you identify in terms
of as a person, as a being.
So it takes a more extensive time than maybethe one night stands or the sex just for fun.
(06:56):
Again, each has its own place and each has itsown choices, but to really develop that sense
of intimacy is going to then broaden the levelof sexual connection to a much deeper level.
Yeah.
I really like when intimacy is broken down intointo me see.
Right?
And it's, like, so, like, a great example,like, when we, like, actually break it down and
(07:18):
kind of make these side words out of the wordof, like, what's really happening there.
I'm like, yes.
Like you said, it's, like, more vulnerable.
Somebody is, like, seeing all the stuff, thestuff that we might personally put a label,
good versus bad, and, you know, maybe there'sshame and all those things.
So, like, let's break this down even more,though.
So you said with, like, your perspective ofintimacy, did you name four different types?
(07:42):
You named emotional, spiritual, sexual.
What was the what was the other one?
So there's emotional intimacy, intellectualintimacy, spiritual intimacy, and experiential
intimacy.
So can we talk about those a little bit moreand like more on what those are and how do
people begin to cultivate those different typesof intimacy with their partner?
(08:03):
Yeah, absolutely.
So when we're looking at emotional intimacy,think that might be the one that is easiest to
understand.
Emotional intimacy is that safe place and safeexperience of sharing your emotions, your
feelings, your perspectives on differentthings, and knowing that you won't be judged in
(08:25):
a negative way, that it is okay to not onlyshare them, but express them, and and be have
that connection.
And again, I think that is one that that a lotof people can understand.
And and keeping in mind that when we talk aboutintimacy, this isn't reserved just for our
romantic relationships.
This this is also within our friendships, andhaving that emotional intimacy.
(08:49):
And one more qualifier, you might only havesome types of intimacy with certain people.
I mean, in my ideal world, and when I talk withclients, it's lovely if you can have all types
of intimacy with your romantic partner, butsometimes that's not possible.
And I don't think that means the relationshipis bad or not going to work, it just means that
(09:10):
maybe some social diversification is necessaryso you find that intimacy with someone else.
And I mean that, you know, through a friendshipor otherwise.
So emotional intimacy is sharing and beingvulnerable.
Intellectual intimacy is more around thesharing of ideas, and being able to have
respectful debates with whoever it is that youwant this intellectual intimacy with.
(09:37):
And in the political climate of The UnitedStates, we this was a big challenge for a lot
of friendships, a lot of family members, and alot of couples, because there was differing
sides and differing perspectives that reallystarted to break apart some of the intimacy
because people couldn't share it with thatlevel of respect.
So that was really challenging, and I'm hopefulthat that gets better for a lot of people.
(10:02):
Yeah.
Spiritual intimacy, a lot of people hear thisthen, and they assume it's around religion, and
it is not.
Spiritual intimacy is around your values, andhow you see the greater world, how you see your
purpose in life, and being able to share thatwith a partner or with a friend, and ideally
sharing it so that maybe that person cansupport you in achieving that.
(10:26):
Not that they're gonna do it for you, but theycan encourage you or they can keep you
accountable if that's what you're looking for.
They can they can be that that sounding boardfor you as you share kind of the greater
greater ideas.
A lot of times, what I've experienced is thatcouples who share very similar spiritual
intimacies, they do have stronger foundationsbecause it's that value system.
(10:49):
It's what grounds them as a couple.
And then experiential intimacy is, I don'tknow, I laugh because I think it's sometimes
the most fun.
It's what are you sharing in a very, for lackof redundancy, experiential way with someone?
Are you going on trips?
Do you go running with them?
Do you go paint pottery?
(11:10):
It doesn't matter what it is, but what are yourshared experiences that bring you closer?
Because it's those memories that again kind ofweave themselves into the foundation of that
relationship, whether it's a romanticrelationship or whether it's a friend
relationship.
So as an example, in my family, our kids areall adult children now, but once a year, we
(11:33):
take all of our kids and their significantothers on some trip.
So we don't exchange holiday presents.
This is their present, and we do a big familytrip, so there is that connection, and we have
those memories.
And my kids, long before they were adults, theyhave that history of of shared experiences,
sometimes good, sometimes bad, that keeps thatthat experiential intimacy within our family
(11:56):
unit.
I I have so many questions going through myhead, and, like, one of the so this is great.
Like, I already love framework.
Right?
Because one of the things I'm initiallythinking about and, like, listening to this is
it was just it was just when I hear this, it'slike, okay.
These are all different areas from an intimacystandpoint when we are fulfilled, when we say
(12:17):
have our intimacy needs met, right, that we canfeel more supported, we can feel more alive, we
can feel more excited about life, we canthere's just so many things, right, that can
come out of this.
And so what I'm curious about, and maybe thisgets into your framework, is is there a process
then that you take people through to help,like, identify, like, oh, okay.
(12:39):
Maybe I don't have this spiritual value basedconnection with my partner, and maybe I need to
get that through my friend.
Like, is there a process for helping peopleidentify how they can get their needs met and
with who?
Yeah.
Well, as objective as it sounds, because it is,with the couples I work with, we do a SWOT
(13:01):
analysis.
Okay.
If you aren't familiar with that term, it's avery business based term, which looks at
strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, andthreats.
And it works in business because you can buildoff the strengths to address the weaknesses,
strengths can also help kind of create, somekind of foundation to deal with any potential
threats, and then you can see opportunities.
(13:23):
And what I'll always say to couples who arelike, I don't know, Doctor.
Robin, can we really like, that seems a littletoo business y.
I said, Well, if it works in business, whycouldn't it work in a relationship?
And towards intimacy, that's what we look at,is how can we use the strengths in the
relationship to enhance each level of intimacy?
And in order to do that, it's also identifyingfor each member of a couple, what does each
(13:48):
type of intimacy look like for you?
What are you sharing?
Are you really strong in intellectual intimacy?
How can we use that then to build spiritualintimacy if that's lacking?
So we look at it in terms of where are thestrengths in the couple, where are the
challenges or the weaknesses, and then what arethe opportunities to build on those?
And are there any threats?
(14:09):
As an example, sometimes, and I talk to acouple who has children, we talked about them
as stakeholders, internal stakeholders, thecouple is working to maintain, just like in
business.
And sometimes internal stakeholders are threatsto experiential intimacy as a couple because
they are time consuming, and they'refinancially consuming.
(14:32):
So it's not a matter of, oh, it's a threat andwe can't do it.
It's okay, now how are we gonna work aroundthat?
So it's a very analytical way of breaking downwhere are the strongest points in a
relationship, where are the challenges, and howcan we foresee to avoid anything that could
continue to damage the relationship.
Yeah.
(14:52):
I love it.
I love the Swine Network in general.
Basically, I think I just like I'm a scientistby, you know, by heart, and so anytime we can,
like, be a you know, find, like, systematicways of of helping people, it just makes it so,
I think, linear and obtainable.
Well, as you know, a lot of it goes back tojust neuroscience.
(15:12):
And when couples talk about theirrelationships, you know, this this emotional
part of the brain, the amygdala, is firing.
And I always describe the
Just a quick break to let you know that eightypercent of women do not have orgasms from
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(15:33):
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(15:54):
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Now back to our show.
And if we don't find a way to rein in theamygdala and get our logical part of our brain,
the prefrontal cortex engaged, then theamygdala is going to take over, and that's
(16:17):
where you see couples blow up, whether it's insadness or in anger.
But when you're looking at thingsstrategically, whether it's through a SWOT
analysis or otherwise, then your prefrontalcortex is there, and then you can talk about
even really difficult things in a really calmway.
Yeah.
That's interesting, right?
You were actually taking something that ishighly emotional, like our emotional intimacy
(16:39):
also be redundant, and we're actually takingthat and we're saying, oh, we're gonna actually
take the emotion out of the emotional intimacyso we process it.
Right?
So we can get emotional intimacy.
This very cyclical thing that works.
Yeah.
I love that so much.
So, you know, when do you typically find thenin, like, your work where you do something
(17:00):
this?
So you're doing a SWOT analysis on these fourdifferent intimacy areas.
When when do you find in your work then it'slike, oh, this is something that that we're not
actually able to say improve upon.
Right?
There's opportunity is, like, we just can't getto that opportunity to say, ugh.
Like, we're gonna have this intellectualrelationship that's just maybe not available.
(17:23):
Is that what happens then is, like, thendetermining, like, because of something like
that coming up, like, okay.
You need to maybe find a way of getting thisneed met through a friendship or through a
course, or is that kinda how it works?
Yeah.
For a lot of a lot of us in in our society, youknow, we're raised on rom coms and Disney and
Hallmark and these, wonderful relationshipscreated by fate and destiny, and I don't buy
(17:47):
into that one bit, I think that's what leads todisappointment for a lot of relationships.
And we buy into the idea that our partner isthe one person to give us everything, and
whether you listen to Esther Perel or ReneeBrown or any of these amazing, you know,
theorists and researchers, this is just notpossible.
It's not possible to get everything from oneperson.
(18:09):
So it's okay to say, wow, that you know, mypartner doesn't quite give me everything I want
in the area of emotional intimacy.
I do hope that your partner gives you some ineach area, but it doesn't have to be to the
fullest extent.
I adore my husband.
I am very lucky to be best friends with myhusband because we were best friends for twenty
years before we were married, so it was an easyjump.
(18:31):
But there are times when the emotional intimacyis not as full as I want from him because he is
very much driven by his rational brain, andsometimes I don't want to be.
Yeah.
So that's when I call up my sister, or I callup my best friend, because they will
absolutely, you know, let me do whatever I wantwith my emotions, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean he's not the right partner forme.
(18:53):
It doesn't mean he's cold by any means.
It just means that I want something a littlebit different or more, and it's great that I
have other people so that it then doesn'tbecome, oh, he can't do for me what I want, and
then it spins out of control.
And I think, you know, just like being able toname that and categorize it going into things,
it's so much easier than to like recognize,like, oh, right.
(19:15):
This is that thing that's happening where thisneed's not being met, and instead of making the
partner bad, we just realize like, oh, they'reshowing up for them in, like, the way they're
able to, and now I recognize this, and now Ican just call my sister, like you're saying.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It gives the power back.
Mhmm.
Now do you apply anything more from the sexualside of things to business at all?
(19:38):
Or is it more just in these other types ofintimacy categories?
There's no area of relationship that escapesthis framing.
One of the biggest areas, or easiest strategiesis, you know, we talk in business about annual
reviews, and every year, a person gets toreview with someone that is involved in their
(19:59):
development how they're doing.
Now, I do not recommend that couples do anannual review because that's too long, too long
to wait.
Ideally, I suggest to couples that at thelatest, they do a quarterly review, but I love
monthly reviews.
And it looks very much like an annual review,where there is an agenda, and there are topics
(20:19):
to cover, not only new topics that have comeup, but consistent topics.
And sexual life or intimacy is one of thosesteady agenda items each month, or each quarter
if it has to be extended out.
And it's a conversation of what is working, alittle bit of a SWOT analysis, what's not
working, what techniques have we tried that wewanna keep trying, what techniques really
(20:44):
didn't work, but it gives a spot for couples tohave the conversation.
Because a lot of times, you know, it's you'rewalking past each other in the kitchen, how is
your day good?
How is your day good?
And that's all you're getting.
That's right.
And that's not gonna enhance any level ofintimacy, and certainly not gonna roll over to
enhancing a sexual wellness.
So when you actually know that's going be onthe agenda, it gives you the opportunity,
(21:05):
because a lot of times, I don't know about you,Diane, but when people are in bed with their
partners, that isn't necessarily the time theywant to have these dragged out conversations.
It either detracts from what they're trying toaccomplish, whatever that might be, or it
becomes emotional because they're in thatvulnerable space, and then it feels like
(21:25):
criticism or disappointment, instead of, hey,we're in this, you know, we're sitting in our
home office, or we're sitting at the diningroom table, the kids are out of your shot, and
I can just say, you know what, remember thattwo weeks ago?
That didn't really feel very good, and I'd liketo process how we can work around that.
Again, couples sometimes pull back because theythink it sounds way too sterile, but then
(21:49):
again, if you can have those kind ofconversations about really important emotional
topics and lead to a solution, that's whatmakes it better.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
And I've seen that too in my work that the bedis not oftentimes the place to have these kind
of conversations.
Like, it's like we have memories, and if itdoesn't go, if it feels like stagnant or if it
(22:12):
doesn't go or as well as you want or there's amoment of intensity, the next time you do wanna
go and just be sexy and intimate and have yourmoments, then sometimes those memories come
flooding back.
Exactly.
It's like that's a very real, like, it cancreate a very real, like, PTSD, almost trauma
type of response in certain situations.
(22:32):
Right.
It is amazing when you, you know, you you seehow the connections are.
You know, you have these objectiveconversations, these rational, data based, you
know, fact based conversations.
It enhances intimacy at sometimes multiplelevels, which then can enhance your your sex
life.
And to me, I, you know, I can't speak foreveryone.
That's the ideal.
(22:53):
Like, I can I can get all of it by just usingall the pieces instead of, we're just gonna use
one piece and hope it ripples out, because thatthat isn't typically how things are done in
personal life, and definitely not in business?
No.
Not in business and not in medicine either.
Like, are looking for, like, one root cause.
I'm like, well, maybe a strep throat, butthere's you know, you look at, like, low
(23:13):
libido, for example, and it's, like, yeah.
It could be testosterone, but it's usuallytestosterone and circulation and neurological
and emotional and on and on and on and on andon.
It's, like, this there's not one cause here.
And you're going use all the tools, you'regoing to go see a physician, you're also maybe
going to go see a therapist or a counselor or acoach, and then maybe you're also going to take
medications, you're going to use all the toolsavailable.
(23:35):
So when I work with couples, you know, I say,you don't rule out anything.
Why wouldn't you wanna use everything at yourdisposal to get what you really want, or at
least really close to it?
Yeah.
I love it.
So we talked about SWOT analysis.
We talked about our monthly reviews.
Mhmm.
What other business, and I, you know, we'regonna encourage people obviously to go get your
book, which will have way more in it than wecan get to today, but but can you give us
(23:59):
another example of a, like, business type offramework that you've seen really apply to
intimacy and sex?
Really, really simple one.
I ask all my couples from the very firstsession, tell me what you understand and what a
mission statement is, and they can rattle offall their companies and their small businesses
have mission statements, and they're all fullof themselves because they know what the
(24:21):
benefits are, and I said, okay, cool.
So what's your relationship mission statement?
And then I get deer in the headlights or justcrickets in the background, and they're like,
oh, well, no.
That's not the same.
I'm like, it is.
All benefits you talked about, you know,keeping everybody unified under one goal and
having a direction for the company and sharedvalues, and articulation of that are all what a
(24:43):
business can do, but why wouldn't you want thesame things in your relationship?
So couples will work on developing a missionstatement, and then sometimes, as we progress,
I will actually have them create a secondmission statement, which is just about their
sex life.
So they create a sexual mission statement thatis specific to that area of their life because
sometimes that needs a more developed nuancethan just their overall relationship mission
(25:07):
statement, and it becomes a tool.
I tell them, this is not something that you doonce and you never think about again.
Again, as your monthly review, you review yourmission statement.
What are some ways we supported our missionstatement this month?
What are some ways we were totally off track?
And the same with the sexual mission statement.
How did we support it, and how did we miss themark, and how can we change that?
(25:28):
It becomes an evaluation tool for all theimportant areas, the big umbrella of the
relationship and that really specific importantpart for a lot of people around intimacy and
sex.
I love it, and I was about to even commentbefore you said it, the monthly review, because
my partner and I actually did this.
We created a couple mission statements.
Oh, I love this.
But here's the thing, as you were saying this,I immediately was like, but can I actually tell
(25:53):
her what it is?
Because we've not been doing the review.
And I know that.
Like, and like, I do that for my business.
I do monthly reviews, and quarterly reviews,and yearly reviews, and all the things.
But but so I was like, this is a perfectexample of like, we created it, and now I need
to talk to him tonight and be like, do youremember what that was?
And we probably need to update it because it'sbeen some years.
Right.
Exactly.
But that's a really
(26:13):
White weird shoe.
Mean, it's Right.
It's this dynamic, ever evolving.
It isn't just you slap it on paper, and thenit's good forever.
That's crazy.
Your relationship, I would hope, isn't likethat.
It's gonna continue to evolve and change aseach of you do, so Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think it's so exciting.
I a lot too about putting people in couples,putting each other on the same team again,
(26:36):
right?
Yeah, is.
And I think so many times, it's like we get inthese little things, right, these little spats,
or these little moments that drift us apart,and it's so easy to forget that, hey, this is
like you know, this is like teammate.
This is like being on the same team.
And I think that mission statement, like, in isa good way.
It's one of, you know, many tools that reallycan help to, like, put people, like, back on,
(27:00):
oh, this is why we're together.
This is what we're doing.
We're on the same team.
This is what our team is about.
This is what we stand for.
When you think about it, you know, and again,we're talking in more of a traditional sense of
a two partner relationship, and I know there'slots of different ways a relationship can look.
But if we're going from that framework, youknow, those two people are the founders of the
(27:21):
relationship, just like co founders of abusiness would be working together.
So if you're the founders of your relationship,how are you gonna make sure that it sustains
all the ups and downs that are going to come,just like market values of a business, and you
get to decide how to do that with all the toolspossible?
So good.
So good.
And I do like the sexual mission statement too.
(27:42):
You know, I'm also thinking, yeah.
We've, like, kinda defined, like, what our,like, sex goals are, meaning, like, frequency
and things we wanna try and those kind ofthings.
But we haven't, like, defined it from, like, amission statement standpoint.
So I I love you're giving me some fun ideas forour conversation after we celebrate with the
celebrate life with kids later.
(28:03):
I love to get it.
So good.
Okay.
So, wrapping up part one here, and then we'lllet everybody know that, hey.
You can get part two by going tomylibidoclub.com.
And in part two, we're gonna talk about CBTframework, cognitive behavioral therapy, and,
like, some of the framework with that.
Like, my understanding of CBT has always been,like, part of the the process with that is to
(28:25):
get trauma and things that are more intense ormaybe more activating to the nervous system
more into the prefrontal cortex where we canprocess them and actually have conversations.
Is that is that really what we're doing herewith that?
Yeah.
It's actually applying deliberate strategies sothat your brain becomes your ally in the
relationship rather than your adversary.
(28:46):
And that is as simple as I can make it.
And so we're going to talk about that in parttwo, I think that's so important because a lot
of times it's like the crazy thought that likegets into the brain, and we believe that
thought, and the thought then creates all thesefeelings and it takes over.
Yes.
And all of a sudden, we're making thesedecisions about our life and our relationship
just because we had a thought go by our brainand we didn't even have to believe it.
(29:09):
Right?
Exactly.
Okay.
So part two coming up.
But before that, before that, like, let's telleverybody about your book that's coming out,
how to access that, how to access, you know,just all your goodies.
Right.
So by the summer of twenty twenty five, mybook, it's entitled, Marriage Incorporated,
Building a Relationship with a BusinessFramework, is going to be out, and it talks
(29:32):
about some of the strategies that we've talkedabout today, Diane, as well as a whole host of
others.
So it's based on over fifteen years of usingthis framework and really seeing it work in a
way that, for some couples who have tried eventraditional therapy, just didn't have the
success.
So that's going to be out, and if you have anyquestions about it, you can find me on
Instagram, LinkedIn, or at my website,drrobynbuckley.com.
(29:53):
And we'll have all of those links in the shownotes.
And then you had some other giveaway too, isthat right?
Yeah, absolutely.
So when people reach out, we can absolutelyschedule a complimentary fifteen minute
coaching session.
It's usually just something where I can reallyhelp very quickly identify some key goals that
people want to accomplish, and give them acouple quick strategies.
(30:17):
So it's just a way to really jump start yourrelationship.
Perfect.
Great gifts, and we'll find all that in theshow notes.
And before we wrap up today, is there any,like, final final thing you wanna say to
everybody before we call it a wrap?
Yeah.
I I would say that when people talk aboutmarriage relationship being hard work, that is
(30:37):
BS.
It is not hard work.
It is diligence, nurturing, and dedication tothe relationship every single day.
But if you tell your brain it's hard work, andwe'll be talking about this next, it will be.
So stop telling yourself that and just applythe tools that will get you the relationship
you want.
I love that so much.
I get very frustrated when people say the samething, so we're totally in alignment there.
(30:59):
So everybody, I hope you will go check out thisbook.
This will be out basically any day now.
And please go check out more of Robin's workand find me at mylibidoclub.com for part two.
Thank you so much, Robin, for being here today.
Thank you, Diane.
This was awesome.
Alright, everybody.
This is another episode of The Lounge.
Can't wait to see you again.
(31:22):
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
So when couples talk about their relationships,you know, this this emotional part of the
brain, the amygdala is firing.
And I always describe the amygdala like atoddler on caffeine.
But if you're looking for something thatinvolves intimacy, it takes time.
A lot of times what I have experienced is thatcouples who share very similar spiritual
intimacies, they they do have strongerfoundations because it's that value system.
(00:25):
It's what grounds them as a couple.
So it's not a matter of, oh, it's a threat andwe can't do it.
It's okay.
Now how are we gonna work around that?
Well, it's not possible to get everything fromone person.
So it's okay to say, that you know, my partnerdoesn't quite give me everything I want in the
area of emotional intimacy.
But there are times when the emotional intimacyis not as full as I want from him because he is
(00:50):
very much driven by his rational brain andsometimes I don't want to be.
Yeah.
So that's when I call up my sister or I call upmy best friend because they will absolutely,
you know, let me do whatever I want with myemotions.
And that's okay.
It doesn't mean he's not the right partner forme.
It doesn't mean he's cold by any means.
It just means that I want something a littlebit different or more.
(01:12):
Ideally, suggest a couple that at the at thelatest, they do a this is not something that
you do once and you never think about again.
If you're the founders of your relationship,how are you gonna make sure that it sustains
all the ups and downs that are gonna come justlike just like, you know, market values of a
business?
And you get to decide how to do that with allthe tools possible.
(01:32):
When people talk about marriage or arelationship being hard work, that is BS.
Hey, everybody.
Quick break in our episode to talk to you aboutour sponsor, MyLibidoDoc.
One of the things that we truly believe is thatgreat sex is available to everyone, but we just
have to learn how.
(01:52):
So head over to our site to get your free copyof our e book, Five Steps to Mind Blowing
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(02:14):
So if you just go to mysexdoc.com, you willfind that e book there for download.
Now back to our show.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to another episode on the lounge.
I'm your host, certified sexologist and libidoexpert, doctor Diane, and I have a treat for
(02:35):
you today.
I have with me doctor Robin Robin Buckley, andwe are going to talk about so many things
today.
Some of them we're gonna talk about sex versusintimacy.
A lot of times these conversations are confusedand I think so much of the time we focus on one
of the two in these conversations and we forgetthat sex and intimacy are different and we
(02:56):
forget that they're both important for thehealth and the maintenance of a relationship.
So we're gonna break that down, talk aboutstrategies for both, and one of the things that
I think is so cool about doctor Robin'smethodology, about what part of her
methodology, is taking business structure andbusiness systems and applying that same
(03:17):
methodology to relationship.
And I think this is so valuable because as anentrepreneur and as a business owner, what I've
seen in business, I do apply to life.
Right?
I apply to conversations that that I have aboutthe step kids.
I apply it to things like scheduling time in mylife and my day to day process for things like
(03:38):
fantasy and pleasure and my partner and more.
So I can see, like, how this is so important,and we're gonna break down some more of the
nitty gritty today and tell you how to getdoctor Robin's book and so many more things.
So thank you so much for joining me today,doctor Robin.
I'm so excited.
This will be fun.
Same here.
Same here.
(03:58):
So so much juicing is happening today, andlet's start big picture.
Right?
So let's start with this conversation ofintimacy versus sex.
Can you help just kinda lay some foundationalfound foundational groundwork for how these
things are different?
Yeah.
So intimacy is our connection to someone else,and it isn't necessarily only involving sex.
(04:23):
In fact, there's different types of intimacy.
There's emotional intimacy, there'sintellectual intimacy, there's spiritual
intimacy, and there's experiential intimacy.
And I think for a lot of us, we forget.
We just lump it under one category and the termintimacy is used synonymously to mean sex, and
these are not the same things.
(04:43):
As you as you can tell from this list, it's alot more faceted than those two being
interchangeable words.
So intimacy, at least in my perspective andmaybe yours as well, is that it creates the
foundation for the potential for a reallyhealthy sexual life.
So it's very challenging to have a healthy sexlife without intimacy, at least in the couples
(05:09):
that I've worked with.
Possible, but it's probably not a sex life thatis sustainable.
Yeah.
And I think there's so much to be said there.
I relate to all of that.
I actually had a personal realization recentlyaround, like, I get all my personal
realizations when I'm snowboarding, and I wassnowboarding a couple weeks ago, and so I was
thinking about business, like, frequently.
(05:30):
And I was like, maybe I should I really need tostop saying I'm a sex doc and start saying I'm
an intimacy doc, and it's for exactly all thosereasons because Yeah.
All of those things are the things I talk topeople about.
And so I think defining that is so key.
And one of the things in what you're saying islike, okay.
Well, can sex be as deep and as fulfilling?
(05:52):
I think, like, when people go and and have morejust, like, flings and one night stands, there
can be, like, some level fulfillment in that.
Do you see, like like, though that is difficultin those scenarios to get into more like this
other type of intimacy which can lead to thedepth of sex?
Absolutely.
(06:12):
And I am not, you know, and as I perceive youaren't, I don't judge.
If people want to go out and just have random,fun, non committal sex, as long as it's safe
and consensual, have at it.
%.
Have no issues with that.
But if you're looking for something thatinvolves intimacy, it takes time.
Takes time to know that person at that level,because very often, as strange as it might
(06:34):
sound, intimacy is more vulnerable than sexfor, I think, a good percentage of individuals,
because it's really getting into the thingsthat you value, and how you identify in terms
of as a person, as a being.
So it takes a more extensive time than maybethe one night stands or the sex just for fun.
(06:56):
Again, each has its own place and each has itsown choices, but to really develop that sense
of intimacy is going to then broaden the levelof sexual connection to a much deeper level.
Yeah.
I really like when intimacy is broken down intointo me see.
Right?
And it's, like, so, like, a great example,like, when we, like, actually break it down and
(07:18):
kind of make these side words out of the wordof, like, what's really happening there.
I'm like, yes.
Like you said, it's, like, more vulnerable.
Somebody is, like, seeing all the stuff, thestuff that we might personally put a label,
good versus bad, and, you know, maybe there'sshame and all those things.
So, like, let's break this down even more,though.
So you said with, like, your perspective ofintimacy, did you name four different types?
(07:42):
You named emotional, spiritual, sexual.
What was the what was the other one?
So there's emotional intimacy, intellectualintimacy, spiritual intimacy, and experiential
intimacy.
So can we talk about those a little bit moreand like more on what those are and how do
people begin to cultivate those different typesof intimacy with their partner?
(08:03):
Yeah, absolutely.
So when we're looking at emotional intimacy,think that might be the one that is easiest to
understand.
Emotional intimacy is that safe place and safeexperience of sharing your emotions, your
feelings, your perspectives on differentthings, and knowing that you won't be judged in
(08:25):
a negative way, that it is okay to not onlyshare them, but express them, and and be have
that connection.
And again, I think that is one that that a lotof people can understand.
And and keeping in mind that when we talk aboutintimacy, this isn't reserved just for our
romantic relationships.
This this is also within our friendships, andhaving that emotional intimacy.
(08:49):
And one more qualifier, you might only havesome types of intimacy with certain people.
I mean, in my ideal world, and when I talk withclients, it's lovely if you can have all types
of intimacy with your romantic partner, butsometimes that's not possible.
And I don't think that means the relationshipis bad or not going to work, it just means that
(09:10):
maybe some social diversification is necessaryso you find that intimacy with someone else.
And I mean that, you know, through a friendshipor otherwise.
So emotional intimacy is sharing and beingvulnerable.
Intellectual intimacy is more around thesharing of ideas, and being able to have
respectful debates with whoever it is that youwant this intellectual intimacy with.
(09:37):
And in the political climate of The UnitedStates, we this was a big challenge for a lot
of friendships, a lot of family members, and alot of couples, because there was differing
sides and differing perspectives that reallystarted to break apart some of the intimacy
because people couldn't share it with thatlevel of respect.
So that was really challenging, and I'm hopefulthat that gets better for a lot of people.
(10:02):
Yeah.
Spiritual intimacy, a lot of people hear thisthen, and they assume it's around religion, and
it is not.
Spiritual intimacy is around your values, andhow you see the greater world, how you see your
purpose in life, and being able to share thatwith a partner or with a friend, and ideally
sharing it so that maybe that person cansupport you in achieving that.
(10:26):
Not that they're gonna do it for you, but theycan encourage you or they can keep you
accountable if that's what you're looking for.
They can they can be that that sounding boardfor you as you share kind of the greater
greater ideas.
A lot of times, what I've experienced is thatcouples who share very similar spiritual
intimacies, they do have stronger foundationsbecause it's that value system.
(10:49):
It's what grounds them as a couple.
And then experiential intimacy is, I don'tknow, I laugh because I think it's sometimes
the most fun.
It's what are you sharing in a very, for lackof redundancy, experiential way with someone?
Are you going on trips?
Do you go running with them?
Do you go paint pottery?
(11:10):
It doesn't matter what it is, but what are yourshared experiences that bring you closer?
Because it's those memories that again kind ofweave themselves into the foundation of that
relationship, whether it's a romanticrelationship or whether it's a friend
relationship.
So as an example, in my family, our kids areall adult children now, but once a year, we
(11:33):
take all of our kids and their significantothers on some trip.
So we don't exchange holiday presents.
This is their present, and we do a big familytrip, so there is that connection, and we have
those memories.
And my kids, long before they were adults, theyhave that history of of shared experiences,
sometimes good, sometimes bad, that keeps thatthat experiential intimacy within our family
(11:56):
unit.
I I have so many questions going through myhead, and, like, one of the so this is great.
Like, I already love framework.
Right?
Because one of the things I'm initiallythinking about and, like, listening to this is
it was just it was just when I hear this, it'slike, okay.
These are all different areas from an intimacystandpoint when we are fulfilled, when we say
(12:17):
have our intimacy needs met, right, that we canfeel more supported, we can feel more alive, we
can feel more excited about life, we canthere's just so many things, right, that can
come out of this.
And so what I'm curious about, and maybe thisgets into your framework, is is there a process
then that you take people through to help,like, identify, like, oh, okay.
(12:39):
Maybe I don't have this spiritual value basedconnection with my partner, and maybe I need to
get that through my friend.
Like, is there a process for helping peopleidentify how they can get their needs met and
with who?
Yeah.
Well, as objective as it sounds, because it is,with the couples I work with, we do a SWOT
(13:01):
analysis.
Okay.
If you aren't familiar with that term, it's avery business based term, which looks at
strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, andthreats.
And it works in business because you can buildoff the strengths to address the weaknesses,
strengths can also help kind of create, somekind of foundation to deal with any potential
threats, and then you can see opportunities.
(13:23):
And what I'll always say to couples who arelike, I don't know, Doctor.
Robin, can we really like, that seems a littletoo business y.
I said, Well, if it works in business, whycouldn't it work in a relationship?
And towards intimacy, that's what we look at,is how can we use the strengths in the
relationship to enhance each level of intimacy?
And in order to do that, it's also identifyingfor each member of a couple, what does each
(13:48):
type of intimacy look like for you?
What are you sharing?
Are you really strong in intellectual intimacy?
How can we use that then to build spiritualintimacy if that's lacking?
So we look at it in terms of where are thestrengths in the couple, where are the
challenges or the weaknesses, and then what arethe opportunities to build on those?
And are there any threats?
(14:09):
As an example, sometimes, and I talk to acouple who has children, we talked about them
as stakeholders, internal stakeholders, thecouple is working to maintain, just like in
business.
And sometimes internal stakeholders are threatsto experiential intimacy as a couple because
they are time consuming, and they'refinancially consuming.
(14:32):
So it's not a matter of, oh, it's a threat andwe can't do it.
It's okay, now how are we gonna work aroundthat?
So it's a very analytical way of breaking downwhere are the strongest points in a
relationship, where are the challenges, and howcan we foresee to avoid anything that could
continue to damage the relationship.
Yeah.
(14:52):
I love it.
I love the Swine Network in general.
Basically, I think I just like I'm a scientistby, you know, by heart, and so anytime we can,
like, be a you know, find, like, systematicways of of helping people, it just makes it so,
I think, linear and obtainable.
Well, as you know, a lot of it goes back tojust neuroscience.
(15:12):
And when couples talk about theirrelationships, you know, this this emotional
part of the brain, the amygdala, is firing.
And I always describe the
Just a quick break to let you know that eightypercent of women do not have orgasms from
vaginal intercourse alone.
So many people are not having the type of sexthat is healing, that brings them closer, that
(15:33):
brings them more connected, that is full of somuch pleasure and passion that it can build
bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bringhappiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and
build a better connection with your partner.
That is what hot and modern monogamy is, ismodern monogamy that brings in all of that
(15:54):
passion, that desire, that closeness, and thathealing, and that's what you can get at the Hot
and Modern Monogamy Club.
So if you're interested in that and I can helpyou, please go to modernmonogamyclub.com.
Now back to our show.
And if we don't find a way to rein in theamygdala and get our logical part of our brain,
the prefrontal cortex engaged, then theamygdala is going to take over, and that's
(16:17):
where you see couples blow up, whether it's insadness or in anger.
But when you're looking at thingsstrategically, whether it's through a SWOT
analysis or otherwise, then your prefrontalcortex is there, and then you can talk about
even really difficult things in a really calmway.
Yeah.
That's interesting, right?
You were actually taking something that ishighly emotional, like our emotional intimacy
(16:39):
also be redundant, and we're actually takingthat and we're saying, oh, we're gonna actually
take the emotion out of the emotional intimacyso we process it.
Right?
So we can get emotional intimacy.
This very cyclical thing that works.
Yeah.
I love that so much.
So, you know, when do you typically find thenin, like, your work where you do something
(17:00):
this?
So you're doing a SWOT analysis on these fourdifferent intimacy areas.
When when do you find in your work then it'slike, oh, this is something that that we're not
actually able to say improve upon.
Right?
There's opportunity is, like, we just can't getto that opportunity to say, ugh.
Like, we're gonna have this intellectualrelationship that's just maybe not available.
(17:23):
Is that what happens then is, like, thendetermining, like, because of something like
that coming up, like, okay.
You need to maybe find a way of getting thisneed met through a friendship or through a
course, or is that kinda how it works?
Yeah.
For a lot of a lot of us in in our society, youknow, we're raised on rom coms and Disney and
Hallmark and these, wonderful relationshipscreated by fate and destiny, and I don't buy
(17:47):
into that one bit, I think that's what leads todisappointment for a lot of relationships.
And we buy into the idea that our partner isthe one person to give us everything, and
whether you listen to Esther Perel or ReneeBrown or any of these amazing, you know,
theorists and researchers, this is just notpossible.
It's not possible to get everything from oneperson.
(18:09):
So it's okay to say, wow, that you know, mypartner doesn't quite give me everything I want
in the area of emotional intimacy.
I do hope that your partner gives you some ineach area, but it doesn't have to be to the
fullest extent.
I adore my husband.
I am very lucky to be best friends with myhusband because we were best friends for twenty
years before we were married, so it was an easyjump.
(18:31):
But there are times when the emotional intimacyis not as full as I want from him because he is
very much driven by his rational brain, andsometimes I don't want to be.
Yeah.
So that's when I call up my sister, or I callup my best friend, because they will
absolutely, you know, let me do whatever I wantwith my emotions, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean he's not the right partner forme.
(18:53):
It doesn't mean he's cold by any means.
It just means that I want something a littlebit different or more, and it's great that I
have other people so that it then doesn'tbecome, oh, he can't do for me what I want, and
then it spins out of control.
And I think, you know, just like being able toname that and categorize it going into things,
it's so much easier than to like recognize,like, oh, right.
(19:15):
This is that thing that's happening where thisneed's not being met, and instead of making the
partner bad, we just realize like, oh, they'reshowing up for them in, like, the way they're
able to, and now I recognize this, and now Ican just call my sister, like you're saying.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It gives the power back.
Mhmm.
Now do you apply anything more from the sexualside of things to business at all?
(19:38):
Or is it more just in these other types ofintimacy categories?
There's no area of relationship that escapesthis framing.
One of the biggest areas, or easiest strategiesis, you know, we talk in business about annual
reviews, and every year, a person gets toreview with someone that is involved in their
(19:59):
development how they're doing.
Now, I do not recommend that couples do anannual review because that's too long, too long
to wait.
Ideally, I suggest to couples that at thelatest, they do a quarterly review, but I love
monthly reviews.
And it looks very much like an annual review,where there is an agenda, and there are topics
(20:19):
to cover, not only new topics that have comeup, but consistent topics.
And sexual life or intimacy is one of thosesteady agenda items each month, or each quarter
if it has to be extended out.
And it's a conversation of what is working, alittle bit of a SWOT analysis, what's not
working, what techniques have we tried that wewanna keep trying, what techniques really
(20:44):
didn't work, but it gives a spot for couples tohave the conversation.
Because a lot of times, you know, it's you'rewalking past each other in the kitchen, how is
your day good?
How is your day good?
And that's all you're getting.
That's right.
And that's not gonna enhance any level ofintimacy, and certainly not gonna roll over to
enhancing a sexual wellness.
So when you actually know that's going be onthe agenda, it gives you the opportunity,
(21:05):
because a lot of times, I don't know about you,Diane, but when people are in bed with their
partners, that isn't necessarily the time theywant to have these dragged out conversations.
It either detracts from what they're trying toaccomplish, whatever that might be, or it
becomes emotional because they're in thatvulnerable space, and then it feels like
(21:25):
criticism or disappointment, instead of, hey,we're in this, you know, we're sitting in our
home office, or we're sitting at the diningroom table, the kids are out of your shot, and
I can just say, you know what, remember thattwo weeks ago?
That didn't really feel very good, and I'd liketo process how we can work around that.
Again, couples sometimes pull back because theythink it sounds way too sterile, but then
(21:49):
again, if you can have those kind ofconversations about really important emotional
topics and lead to a solution, that's whatmakes it better.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
And I've seen that too in my work that the bedis not oftentimes the place to have these kind
of conversations.
Like, it's like we have memories, and if itdoesn't go, if it feels like stagnant or if it
(22:12):
doesn't go or as well as you want or there's amoment of intensity, the next time you do wanna
go and just be sexy and intimate and have yourmoments, then sometimes those memories come
flooding back.
Exactly.
It's like that's a very real, like, it cancreate a very real, like, PTSD, almost trauma
type of response in certain situations.
(22:32):
Right.
It is amazing when you, you know, you you seehow the connections are.
You know, you have these objectiveconversations, these rational, data based, you
know, fact based conversations.
It enhances intimacy at sometimes multiplelevels, which then can enhance your your sex
life.
And to me, I, you know, I can't speak foreveryone.
That's the ideal.
(22:53):
Like, I can I can get all of it by just usingall the pieces instead of, we're just gonna use
one piece and hope it ripples out, because thatthat isn't typically how things are done in
personal life, and definitely not in business?
No.
Not in business and not in medicine either.
Like, are looking for, like, one root cause.
I'm like, well, maybe a strep throat, butthere's you know, you look at, like, low
(23:13):
libido, for example, and it's, like, yeah.
It could be testosterone, but it's usuallytestosterone and circulation and neurological
and emotional and on and on and on and on andon.
It's, like, this there's not one cause here.
And you're going use all the tools, you'regoing to go see a physician, you're also maybe
going to go see a therapist or a counselor or acoach, and then maybe you're also going to take
medications, you're going to use all the toolsavailable.
(23:35):
So when I work with couples, you know, I say,you don't rule out anything.
Why wouldn't you wanna use everything at yourdisposal to get what you really want, or at
least really close to it?
Yeah.
I love it.
So we talked about SWOT analysis.
We talked about our monthly reviews.
Mhmm.
What other business, and I, you know, we'regonna encourage people obviously to go get your
book, which will have way more in it than wecan get to today, but but can you give us
(23:59):
another example of a, like, business type offramework that you've seen really apply to
intimacy and sex?
Really, really simple one.
I ask all my couples from the very firstsession, tell me what you understand and what a
mission statement is, and they can rattle offall their companies and their small businesses
have mission statements, and they're all fullof themselves because they know what the
(24:21):
benefits are, and I said, okay, cool.
So what's your relationship mission statement?
And then I get deer in the headlights or justcrickets in the background, and they're like,
oh, well, no.
That's not the same.
I'm like, it is.
All benefits you talked about, you know,keeping everybody unified under one goal and
having a direction for the company and sharedvalues, and articulation of that are all what a
(24:43):
business can do, but why wouldn't you want thesame things in your relationship?
So couples will work on developing a missionstatement, and then sometimes, as we progress,
I will actually have them create a secondmission statement, which is just about their
sex life.
So they create a sexual mission statement thatis specific to that area of their life because
sometimes that needs a more developed nuancethan just their overall relationship mission
(25:07):
statement, and it becomes a tool.
I tell them, this is not something that you doonce and you never think about again.
Again, as your monthly review, you review yourmission statement.
What are some ways we supported our missionstatement this month?
What are some ways we were totally off track?
And the same with the sexual mission statement.
How did we support it, and how did we miss themark, and how can we change that?
(25:28):
It becomes an evaluation tool for all theimportant areas, the big umbrella of the
relationship and that really specific importantpart for a lot of people around intimacy and
sex.
I love it, and I was about to even commentbefore you said it, the monthly review, because
my partner and I actually did this.
We created a couple mission statements.
Oh, I love this.
But here's the thing, as you were saying this,I immediately was like, but can I actually tell
(25:53):
her what it is?
Because we've not been doing the review.
And I know that.
Like, and like, I do that for my business.
I do monthly reviews, and quarterly reviews,and yearly reviews, and all the things.
But but so I was like, this is a perfectexample of like, we created it, and now I need
to talk to him tonight and be like, do youremember what that was?
And we probably need to update it because it'sbeen some years.
Right.
Exactly.
But that's a really
(26:13):
White weird shoe.
Mean, it's Right.
It's this dynamic, ever evolving.
It isn't just you slap it on paper, and thenit's good forever.
That's crazy.
Your relationship, I would hope, isn't likethat.
It's gonna continue to evolve and change aseach of you do, so Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think it's so exciting.
I a lot too about putting people in couples,putting each other on the same team again,
(26:36):
right?
Yeah, is.
And I think so many times, it's like we get inthese little things, right, these little spats,
or these little moments that drift us apart,and it's so easy to forget that, hey, this is
like you know, this is like teammate.
This is like being on the same team.
And I think that mission statement, like, in isa good way.
It's one of, you know, many tools that reallycan help to, like, put people, like, back on,
(27:00):
oh, this is why we're together.
This is what we're doing.
We're on the same team.
This is what our team is about.
This is what we stand for.
When you think about it, you know, and again,we're talking in more of a traditional sense of
a two partner relationship, and I know there'slots of different ways a relationship can look.
But if we're going from that framework, youknow, those two people are the founders of the
(27:21):
relationship, just like co founders of abusiness would be working together.
So if you're the founders of your relationship,how are you gonna make sure that it sustains
all the ups and downs that are going to come,just like market values of a business, and you
get to decide how to do that with all the toolspossible?
So good.
So good.
And I do like the sexual mission statement too.
(27:42):
You know, I'm also thinking, yeah.
We've, like, kinda defined, like, what our,like, sex goals are, meaning, like, frequency
and things we wanna try and those kind ofthings.
But we haven't, like, defined it from, like, amission statement standpoint.
So I I love you're giving me some fun ideas forour conversation after we celebrate with the
celebrate life with kids later.
(28:03):
I love to get it.
So good.
Okay.
So, wrapping up part one here, and then we'lllet everybody know that, hey.
You can get part two by going tomylibidoclub.com.
And in part two, we're gonna talk about CBTframework, cognitive behavioral therapy, and,
like, some of the framework with that.
Like, my understanding of CBT has always been,like, part of the the process with that is to
(28:25):
get trauma and things that are more intense ormaybe more activating to the nervous system
more into the prefrontal cortex where we canprocess them and actually have conversations.
Is that is that really what we're doing herewith that?
Yeah.
It's actually applying deliberate strategies sothat your brain becomes your ally in the
relationship rather than your adversary.
(28:46):
And that is as simple as I can make it.
And so we're going to talk about that in parttwo, I think that's so important because a lot
of times it's like the crazy thought that likegets into the brain, and we believe that
thought, and the thought then creates all thesefeelings and it takes over.
Yes.
And all of a sudden, we're making thesedecisions about our life and our relationship
just because we had a thought go by our brainand we didn't even have to believe it.
(29:09):
Right?
Exactly.
Okay.
So part two coming up.
But before that, before that, like, let's telleverybody about your book that's coming out,
how to access that, how to access, you know,just all your goodies.
Right.
So by the summer of twenty twenty five, mybook, it's entitled, Marriage Incorporated,
Building a Relationship with a BusinessFramework, is going to be out, and it talks
(29:32):
about some of the strategies that we've talkedabout today, Diane, as well as a whole host of
others.
So it's based on over fifteen years of usingthis framework and really seeing it work in a
way that, for some couples who have tried eventraditional therapy, just didn't have the
success.
So that's going to be out, and if you have anyquestions about it, you can find me on
Instagram, LinkedIn, or at my website,drrobynbuckley.com.
(29:53):
And we'll have all of those links in the shownotes.
And then you had some other giveaway too, isthat right?
Yeah, absolutely.
So when people reach out, we can absolutelyschedule a complimentary fifteen minute
coaching session.
It's usually just something where I can reallyhelp very quickly identify some key goals that
people want to accomplish, and give them acouple quick strategies.
(30:17):
So it's just a way to really jump start yourrelationship.
Perfect.
Great gifts, and we'll find all that in theshow notes.
And before we wrap up today, is there any,like, final final thing you wanna say to
everybody before we call it a wrap?
Yeah.
I I would say that when people talk aboutmarriage relationship being hard work, that is
(30:37):
BS.
It is not hard work.
It is diligence, nurturing, and dedication tothe relationship every single day.
But if you tell your brain it's hard work, andwe'll be talking about this next, it will be.
So stop telling yourself that and just applythe tools that will get you the relationship
you want.
I love that so much.
I get very frustrated when people say the samething, so we're totally in alignment there.
(30:59):
So everybody, I hope you will go check out thisbook.
This will be out basically any day now.
And please go check out more of Robin's workand find me at mylibidoclub.com for part two.
Thank you so much, Robin, for being here today.
Thank you, Diane.
This was awesome.
Alright, everybody.
This is another episode of The Lounge.
Can't wait to see you again.
(31:22):
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
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