July 17, 2025 • 46 mins
Is jealousy ruining your relationship? In this Girlfriend edition of Libido Lounge, you will learn how to identify the signs of jealousy and how to overcome it to build a stronger and healthier partnership. We'll dive into the effects of jealousy on relationships, why people get jealous, and most importantly, how to stop jealousy from destroying your love life. From communication and trust to insecurity and possessiveness, we'll cover it all. If you're tired of feeling trapped in a cycle of jealousy and want to create a more loving and secure connection with your partner, then this video is for you.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
And our first question today is jealousy.
(00:03):
Thank you for bringing this up.
I can't remember the last time I felt jealous,honestly.
Yep.
It probably happens more with friends than myromantic relationship.
When I think about jealousy, it's like afruitless emotion, and I don't give it the
time, which maybe now I'm feeling like I Ishould let it trickle in a little bit just
(00:24):
to see what it has to teach me.
How much of the human experience is spentlooping in these painful cycles just because we
don't communicate?
How can you just remain curious in all aspectsof life and let let that be the leading force
rather than being restrictive or thinking thatyou can't have something because you're in long
(00:45):
term partnership.
Jealousy, just like anything else, it's it's achoice.
We can choose to tap into that energy, or wecan choose something different.
We can choose to be in competition with womenor we can choose to be in celebration with with
women.
And we always have that choice in everysituation all the time.
(01:06):
Because as women, we're trained to compete witheach other,
and I'm sure that's where a lot of it comesfrom.
And, like, that feeling that I had towards mypartner was definitely, like,
does he like me more than her?
We're humans.
Fear is a primal instinct of us.
Well, it's not wrong to choose fear.
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
(01:27):
I think it's part of our human experience.
I think that there the higher vibration, themore growth oriented choice, yeah, would be
love.
I think, do I intend to always wanna come fromlove?
Yes.
But I don't think I I don't believe in makingmyself wrong if I do come from
a place of fear.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to my libido lounge podcast.
I'm your host, board certified sexologist,doctor Diane, and I'm going to be introducing
(01:52):
you to a few of my friends.
We're talking today about how to keep yourlibido high and how to keep your libido high
during the ebbs and flows of a relationship, orif you are between relationships, how to still
stoke your own libido so you can still have allthat juicy energy to put back into your work,
to your life, to help balance your hormones,balance stress, and more.
(02:14):
So this is our third and final edition of thisround of the girlfriend episode.
So you will meet my friends again in a second.
And we will do more girlfriend episodes here inthe future several months down the road.
So please do subscribe so you make sure to stayabreast of when we release new episodes.
(02:34):
Alright, everybody.
Let me bring on my friends, and let's getstarted.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
I have another girlfriend edition for youtoday.
We are talking today about jealousy.
We're talking today about love and what we doto keep things hot in long term relationships
or what we do to keep our libido and our ourpleasure and our sex drive going between
(02:57):
relationships and wherever else we go today.
So I have my girlfriends with me again today,and as you probably remember from previous
episodes, we're going by our co code names.
So here is Venus Ruby
Hi.
And Cosmos Hi.
And Yonisan.
Hi there.
So welcome back, everybody.
(03:18):
And our first question today is jealousy.
So I will tell you guys that, like, the myfirst introduction to jealousy was in my
twenties when I was in an open relationship, apoly relationship.
Then, it was with a male and a female, and wewere kinda just like a closed knit unit that
was, like, generally just together.
(03:40):
And then all of a sudden, we were doing moreopenness, and they, the male and the female,
found like, they started getting more and moretime together without me.
And so, like, in any, like, triad relationship,there is, like, the individual relationships,
of course, and then there's the unit.
And we all had, like, equal time, and thenthere was this moment where it just like
(04:04):
started fading away.
Like me.
Like, I started fading away.
And there was more time that it was likewithout being talked about or discussed.
It was them hanging out on like the time thatwas like once upon a time, my time.
And I had no idea what the fuck to do withthose feelings.
(04:26):
Like, it was like jealousy meets with, like,rage.
And it was very interesting because I think thethe biggest thing that I was feeling around the
time was, like, like, all of those emotions,but then I would, like there was a lot of self
shame that would happen because then I wasalmost, like, well, now I'm bad for feeling
jealous, and now I'm bad for feeling angry.
(04:47):
So I think that was, like, one of the biggestlearning lessons for me was, like, how to have
a feeling like that and how to, just understandthat sometimes that is a a normal human
experience.
And I don't experience a lot of jealousy now,but if it does come up in passing, it's like
(05:07):
it's much more that.
I think it's much more in passing because ofactually going through that and, like,
experiencing like, oh, this is what thisfeeling is, it's not bad or wrong, and because
I don't shame it or shame myself, it can justbe like something I notice that just like then
doesn't hold in my body.
So it was like very, I think it was very likeeducational for me, but very, it was just
(05:30):
trauma.
It was just like there was a lot of traumaaround that relationship and a lot of feeling
of rejection in that time.
Yeah.
Did it see
your confidence for a while in relationships?
It really didn't shake my I wouldn't say itshaked my confidence in relationships, but it
it certainly made me not very interested inthat configuration again, you know.
(05:53):
It certainly made me realize, like, that wasjust too too messy of an emotional
configuration for me.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
Were you able
to talk about it with the other two?
Like, was it was there an an allowance orsafety for there to be an open dialogue about
it?
Or closure even?
No.
(06:13):
No.
There really wasn't.
I mean, think we were so young and we didn'thave any that was before I studied, like,
anything on communication styles or any ofthat.
So I think we just didn't we didn't know.
We didn't know how to have those hardconversations.
And I do think it would have been easier, youknow, if we were at least able to, like, name
(06:34):
it and, like, name, like, wow.
This, you know, this may be where it is, like,but there still hurts and, you know, there was
a level of, like, actual care.
But they're just I think it was just, like,the, you know, the the newness of those types
of feelings that nobody, I don't have like anyhard feelings for them, like nobody knew how to
(06:56):
navigate those feelings and the complexity ofit.
So
It's a big thing.
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, it was.
Was dynamic and I think what you said is reallyhuge.
Had there maybe been space or skill or know howeven, right, you were young, so it makes sense
it wasn't there, but just the importance ofnaming Yeah.
(07:16):
First for yourself in any situation what it iswe're feeling, but then being able to name it
in the context of relationship, think is huge,and freeing ourselves from not so readily
hooking in or overly identifying with whateverstory we're creating around.
It's socially jealousy.
That's an thing to feel, and I'd have, like,we're not gonna feel it, or I'm mad if I'm
feeling this.
Right?
(07:37):
But it yeah.
Yeah.
So it seems like a yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I mean,
I think there's always, like, two differentsides of any emotional thing.
It's like we feel the emotion, and thenthey're, like, we like, it's so easy to add the
shame and the guilt on top of the emotionversus just allowing emotion to have its space
and being being okay with feeling it for a
(07:57):
little while.
So that's Being okay with feeling it for alittle while.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's strange when I think about jealousy and Idon't experience it very often.
I can't remember the last time I felt jealous,honestly.
Yeah.
It probably happens more with friends than myromantic relationship and that's more back to,
(08:18):
like, you know, am I worthy enough or all allthat stuff that's not really about jealousy.
Right?
But when I think about jealousy, it's like afruitless emotion, and I don't give it the
time, which maybe now I'm feeling like I Ishould let it trickle in a little bit just to
see what it has to teach me.
(08:40):
Let's just
say, I love that curiosity.
I really do.
Like, all these reflective prompts and just,like, getting us to tap into these older
experiences just has me sitting here wondering,like, how much of the human experience is spent
looping in these painful cycles just because wedon't communicate.
Or or advocate for ourselves or the people thatwe love in those really raw and vulnerable
(09:05):
moments.
Right?
It's like only in these times of of reflectionwhere we can be like, oh, like, you know, we've
come a long way now.
We're we're more anchored or angered in who weare.
We're more confident.
But, yeah, it's like those times where we just,like, we could have spoken up for ourselves and
we didn't and we hold on to that for such along time.
(09:26):
It's really avoid the uncomfortable feeling, somuch of the human experience.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think jealousy is on that throne of,like, some of the more or, like, anger, but
jealousy is like, the the the energy of it is,I think, on in my experience, especially, like,
it's one that, like, I wanna avoid, or I don'treally wanna if I'm feeling it, it's like,
(09:48):
okay.
I need I can be quick to try to bypass it or oruse my mind to be like, oh, well, blah blah
blah.
It shouldn't feel this way or overwrite itMhmm.
Versus actually just letting myself be like,oh, I'm feeling jealous.
Yeah.
Okay.
Interesting.
Curious.
Like, what you said, like, giving it there islikely maybe some not not to hook into it, but
(10:09):
to actually just be with it with lessresistance.
Like, I might another emotion that's easier forme to be with, even if it is a you know, there
are some more challenging emotions that aremore easy for me to be with versus jealousy.
There is some sort of ickiness that I feel orthat I have definitely associated with it.
Yeah.
Like, we don't go to our friends and say, I'mfeeling really jealous.
(10:30):
Like, it's such an embarrassing emotion.
Does feel that way even to say out loud.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
But that said, I don't experience thatjealousy.
I'm just
You said it Yeah.
It's
it's like I The concept of these emotions andlike how we process them and how what we allow
(10:53):
is so interesting from a standpoint of I'mthinking of an example.
I made a video about shame, a YouTube videoabout shame and sexual shame, and their
comments were very interesting.
And it's always fascinating to me who sayswhat, but there was somebody that had some
pretty strong comments about Shane has apurpose.
And I think that person, like, missed the pointof what I was talking about, but I think this
(11:17):
person also had a really good point that, like,applies here, which is, like, this person's
point was shame is teaching us that we are inalignment with something that is where, you
know, that's good for us or is not.
And I think that's the good part of shame.
And then of course, there's the other side ofshame where it's like self deprecating.
Yeah.
But it's like, so to take something like thatand like apply it to jealousy Yeah.
(11:39):
I think is like a similar type of thing oflike, where is that line between this is a
teacher around what feels good, what doesn'tfeel good versus now this is something that is
taking over life and is actually, like,detrimental.
Yeah.
And I think there's a line.
Yeah.
Well, I I I like that.
I mean, when I think of shame, I think, when weare internal in our shame Mhmm.
(12:01):
That feeds it.
The shadow, the keeping the closed doors,that's gonna feed feed feed the shame versus
what it is when we can be witnessed in safecapacity, whether it be a partner, a lover,
therapist coach, friends, somewhere.
That if if is shined on shame, it reallysupports it in softening and letting go and
(12:21):
being moved.
And so just you bringing up that analogy makesme care.
I'm like, okay.
So in relationship to then jealousy.
Mhmm.
Like, uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's like, could I share it if they if I'mfeeling like, oh, I'm feeling jealous in this
friendship?
Like, I already feel a contraction in my heart.
But I'm like, what would that be like to shareto the friend?
And and could they hear that?
And could that yeah.
And would that help just help in the unwinding?
(12:43):
Because then it's just not internalized and mymind's trying to, like, overpower or override.
Mhmm.
Right?
Which isn't true, like, is is creating moredisconnection, I think.
Mhmm.
Wow.
Yeah.
So curious.
Anybody and do you have anything else to share?
And I think about jealousy in a sexual orromantic relationship, the reason that I have
(13:07):
an aversion to it or or maybe just I mean,doesn't I hadn't thought about jealousy,
honestly, until you brought up this question,and then I really spent some time with it.
But to me, it's like the ownership aspect,right, of like, this is my friend, this is my
partner, this is whatever.
And and because I don't feel that in myrelationship, and we've we've talked about
(13:30):
that, my partner and I, right, like, it's notpossible for me to fulfill everything for him,
and he's not gonna be everything for me.
And that's why we have friends.
Right?
So, like, this book that I wanna talk about,I'm gonna go to my friend or, like, get that
somewhere else.
And if my partner doesn't feel fulfilled and isgoing after someone else and I have the feeling
(13:52):
of jealousy, that's giving me information aboutour relationship.
Right?
Like, what's missing that's really important?
What's a want versus a need, right?
Like, we have an understanding that we may beattracted to other people, that we will be
attracted to other people, that's just natural,Right?
And it's come up over the many years that we'vebeen together, but we don't necessarily need
(14:22):
that to be fulfilled in our relationships.
Right?
Like, sometimes that's just desire or it'stelling us something like, this person has
this.
Can we incorporate that into our relationshipsomehow?
So I think we've been able to navigate outsideof jealousy by being really honest about our
(14:42):
sexual attraction to other people or what wemight be missing in our partnership.
Mhmm.
Sounds like leading with curiosity too.
Mhmm.
Just letting that be part of the exploration ofmonogamy.
Like, how can you just remain curious in allaspects of life, and let let that be the
(15:03):
leading force rather than being restrictive orthinking that you can't have something because
you're in long term partnership.
Sure.
Yeah.
And I wouldn't even say we're monogamous in theway that that confines a relationship.
Right?
That's like, when I think about monogamy, it'sa stifling term to me.
(15:24):
Right?
That's like, you can't look in another person.
You can't like have desires out of out of thisrelationship.
And so I wouldn't even label myself monogamouseven though I'm in a committed relationship
where I only have sex with one person.
But that I don't know.
It feels like a dead term to me.
Where where jealousy could flourish becauseyou're being confined into this really
(15:48):
unnatural, like, this person is everything kindof relationship.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's that's exactly the the reason I renamedmy libido club to the hot and modern monogamy
club, was actually to differentiate between,like, the traditional monogamy, which I think
has all of those feelings, and, like, what doesit mean in this day and age for, like, what is
(16:12):
what is the modern version of monogamy?
How is it, like, how does it look where we canactually be honest and say, like, yeah, that's
a that's a beautiful person.
There are beautiful people in the world.
There are, like, every human has moreattraction.
Every human is going to need even in monogamyother relationships and, like, that being okay
versus, like, like you said, this how canmonogamy be like supportive and hot and novel
(16:35):
and full of desire without being restrictive?
It's the spectrum.
It's monogamy.
Yeah.
Makes me wonder just like if everything in lifeis actually just a spectrum.
Like, even even jealousy.
I I love the conversation of jealousy, and andRuby, I've really been just reflecting on on
something you had said in the very beginning ofjust, like, jealousy on the throne or something
(16:59):
to that effect, and it just made me wonder andagain just feel curious about all of these,
like, seemingly negative emotions that weexperience as humans just being rewritten and
reanalyzed and redefined in our modern daylives to just be these interesting teachers.
(17:20):
Like, jealousy is information.
Like, what is it showing me about myself?
Or what is it showing me about how I'm showingup in these relationships rather than having it
to be this this, like, defining thing about whoI am and Right.
And what I'm all about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So here's a curious because I so 1000% agreewith that.
Right?
(17:40):
And I think that we tend to, like, have more ofthat, like, the both end perspective that
brings it in more of the grayer versus blackand white.
But I'm curious, like, how are ways that you oranyone you know, how do you find yourself in
really practical ways around jealousy or otherthings in in your primary partner relationship
or friendships, however, shows up?
(18:01):
How do you find yourself in the moment reallybeing able to see this?
It's, like, all fine and dandy, right, when wetalk about it, but when the trigger is there
to, like, see the spectrum or feel more theboth and the end.
You're just reminding me of the story.
Wow.
Okay.
Jealousy that I experienced that I completelyforgot about Uh-huh.
(18:22):
In my current relationship, and this was manyyears ago, which is probably why I forgot about
it.
Thank you for bringing this up.
When I was first with my partner, we were at anevent with some of his very long term friends
and there was a woman there that I found outlater my partner had slept with, like as a like
(18:43):
a one off.
It was they were both mourning, m o u r,mourning, and and like it was born out of that.
Right?
So it like they were stayed friends, it wasn'tromantic, but when I saw them the next time,
they hugged and I saw her like, rub his back ina really familiar way, and I remember feeling
(19:05):
jealous Yeah.
Of like, oh, she's known him intimately in theway that I've known him intimately and she's
still in his life and all these feelings cameup and how we navigated that, of course, was
talking about it like adults.
Like, you know, I had these feelings come upand, like, talking about what she means to him
and that honestly, that's all it took for meto, like, let that go.
(19:30):
Yeah.
Because just knowing, like, how he feels aboutit and, like, him and I being truly honest
about these big feelings as adults were, like,that's yeah.
That's what it did in Laram.
Yeah.
But let's mean, you make it seem like, oh,like, we're adults, so we had the conversation,
but it also could have been just as quoteunquote easy or some to oh, it was just a one
(19:51):
moment to ignore it and try to, like, oh, justoverpower.
Right?
But it like, yeah.
So I think it's a really beautiful example ofno.
Like, I'm not I I had this strong emotion comeup just because it was, like, okay.
Contact to the back.
I'm gonna share it with my partner.
I'm gonna let him in on what's happening withinme.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the next time I saw her, made it thatpoint, she's very cool too, like, and then this
(20:12):
part, and like, gorgeous, and like, all thethings, right?
And I remember making it a point to know herbecause otherwise, that jealousy could really
bubble, right, without, like, being connectedin in some way.
And so it all worked out great, but it's goodto be reminded that this jealousy happens even
if it's not in the forefront of my mind.
(20:34):
Mhmm.
What your story really makes me think about ishow much how much personal responsibility we
have, and this was actually what I was thinkingabout in response to your question, Ruby.
Jealousy, just like anything else, it's it's achoice.
We can choose to tap into that energy, or wecan choose something different.
(20:55):
We can choose to be in competition with women,or we can choose to be in celebration with with
women.
And we always have that choice in everysituation all the time.
And it doesn't mean that you make the higherthe higher choice.
In in this case, like, being in celebrationover competition all the time.
(21:18):
But yeah.
It's like we we can choose whether or not wewanna let those feelings and emotions take
over.
No.
Yeah.
It's interesting.
Jealousy doesn't feel like I mean, I feel likeI make the choice, but then jealousy feels like
one of those things that if if we were tochoose, we would never choose that, but that I
(21:39):
think you're playing more like instinct?
Yeah.
Or like it's a it's a spark, and maybe you haveno choice about that part.
Mhmm.
But you're saying you get to choose how tonavigate.
How to The dialy.
It is the response.
Yes.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you for clarifying that.
Not that the jealous feeling won't come up, butyou get to choose how you navigate through the
world with that.
And what that means is pretty show and exactly.
(22:01):
It means about you and your ego.
Mhmm.
I always associate the feeling of jealousy, forme personally, of being less than something.
And it, like, for me, I'm using the wordcompetition.
Maybe that's not how it resonates for everyone.
And the way I try and just quell some of thoseharder feelings is to remember that I'm I'm a
(22:25):
flavor, and you're a flavor
Mhmm.
And you're a flavor, and you're a flavor.
And all the flavors are delicious and wonderfuland desirable, and different people enjoy
different flavors, and different flavorsresonate at different points in our life, and,
like, we're we're all we're all worthy of loveand being desired, and, yeah, it just feels,
(22:47):
like, more interesting to to think of it thatway.
I think you're right about the competition parttoo, because as women, we're trained Oh, yes.
From way early Yes.
To compete with each other, and I'm sure that'swhere a lot of it comes from.
And like, that feeling that I had towards mypartner was definitely, like, does he like me
(23:07):
more than her?
Or, you you know, like, am I better than her orall of that?
But that's not really he could be with thatperson.
Right?
Which brings us back to the main point of thisquestion, which is if my partner wants to is
happier with someone or I'm happier withsomeone, that we have this agreement that
(23:29):
that's we're gonna live that truth.
Right?
No matter what it means for our relationship,because why would we be unhappy together?
Yeah.
Right?
Just for the sake of not being jealous or ordisrupting our monogamous relationship.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
There's a There's a term in the openrelationship world is used a lot.
(23:52):
It's a word that's not anything to do with thatsetting, but it's used more in that setting
than I've heard it used other places, which iscompersion.
Do you guys know that word?
It's a word that basically means taking so muchpersonal pleasure in somebody else's pleasure.
I even had it I heard it used, financiallyrecently, like financial conversion.
(24:16):
So it's like, oh, you see somebody that's at abetter financial place.
And rather than being, like like, jealous or,like, comparing or having envy, of course,
these things can come up, but then it's like,what do you do with that?
Well, how quickly can it be like, oh, wow.
I can actually be so joyous and feel so muchpleasure that somebody gets to live that flavor
(24:37):
of a life, which is easier said than done, Ithink, in a lot of ways.
But that's what I think about when you'retalking about you and your partner around,
like, where is this level of of compersion?
And even with, like, jealousy in general, like,how can we see something?
And, like, to your point of, like, what do wedo with it?
How do we respond?
How can we, like, move and respond in a waywhere it's, like, not making it wrong, not
(25:00):
shaming.
Maybe it's information about what we do want inour life and, you know, more, and maybe there's
action.
But how can we also in the moment, like, moveto feel essential joy for something else in the
world?
And, like, easier said than done, but a lot ofbenefits from, like, living life in that state,
(25:22):
I think, of of just being so joyous for the joyin other people.
Mhmm.
Well, since this is a podcast about sex andpleasure, I'm curious for you, doctor D,
because I think to be able to orient in thatway Mhmm.
Or even have the capacity to have the choice tochoose how you're gonna respond versus reacting
(25:44):
out of jealousy or whatever's being triggered
Mhmm.
To be in that place of joy, I would imaginethink a person would need to be experiencing
good amount of pleasure in their life, sexualor nonsexual.
Can
you speak to that, doctor d?
I can.
Thank you, Venus Ruby.
I mean, my feeling on that is, like, this isback to, you know, I told you one of my
(26:07):
favorite statements offline, which is pleasureis not just about desire, but something we
require.
And I think this is so related to that,
you know, because I think
there's a line again.
Pleasure is not just that desire, but somethingwe require.
I could feel you're really taking it in rightnow.
But I think there's so much to be said aboutthat because when it comes to this idea of
(26:30):
being able to experience more conversion, like,and how do we do that?
And I think the more that we are filled up inour own body and our nervous system is
regulated because any of these things thatwe're talking about, jealousy and shame, but
jealousy is the point of this episode, one ofthe things that I think helps us co regulate or
self regulate is the ability for our nervoussystem not to like launch us into outer space,
(26:55):
like mine did when I was in my twenties aroundlike, okay, how do we have these feelings and
actually sit with them and and not feel likewe're in this fight or flight driven place?
And I think we do that when our nervoussystem's regulated.
And what we see with oxytocin, if you look at,like, studies on oxytocin around, like, people
talk about, like, the twenty second hug, forexample, and if you look at twenty second hug
(27:19):
versus orgasm, and the amount of oxytocin,like, a twenty second hug is gonna give you,
like, raised blood levels maybe twenty, thirty,40%.
Orgasms gonna raise blood levels of oxytocinlike 200, 300, 400, So 500 when we see that
oxytocin is like one of the most regulatingthings for getting us into that nervous system
(27:43):
calm, relaxed, regulated state, that's wherepleasure of all types.
And especially things like bringing in likesomething like orgasm that can, you know, that
can Really?
200 times, you know, or 200%, I should say, to500 increase our blood levels.
I do think there's that direct relationshiplike you bring up.
(28:04):
So I love your question because there's thatdirect relationship, I think, of being able to
feel so much pleasure and co regulating or selfregulating your nervous system, and therefore,
being able to handle, you know, jealousy andwork through jealousy and these emotions in a
nonreactive kind of way.
Do you think when we feel jealousy that weshould have an orgasm?
(28:28):
That's what I was The takeaway is more orgasm.
It's how I'm getting, yeah.
That seems like
That's highly doctor recommended.
I haven't had enough this week, for real.
I was
working, working, working, working.
I
have this note on my mirror that says love orfear you decide every day.
(28:49):
And for me, that feels like it Every day.
Yeah.
That's very clear.
Right?
With jealousy.
Like, if you're happy Yeah.
If you're happy and you're choosing love, thenseeing someone you love be happy even if it's
with someone else.
Like, that's so clear.
And the opposite is clearly fear.
Right?
Like, those are the two not that I alwayschoose the right one, but, yeah, I think that's
(29:13):
how
Well, it's not wrong to choose fear.
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
I think it's part of our human experience.
I think that the higher vibration, the moregrowth oriented choice, yeah, would be love.
I think, do I intend to always wanna come fromlove?
Yes.
But I don't think I I don't believe in makingmyself wrong if I do come from a place of fear.
(29:34):
Instead, how quickly can I can I notice that?
And and if I need to do some repair, do repairor resolve what what needs to happen.
But what's I mean, I love that quote I wannawrite, and I love how you ended it with love or
fear every day, or what is
I like every day.
Actually, at the end of I like the way thatyou're framing this, though, because I've been,
like, I do tend to judge myself for choosingfear.
(29:58):
Yeah.
But I like I like the compassion that you'rebut the end of the quote actually is,
compassion is an state
of being.
Compassion is an evolved state of being.
Yeah.
That's the second which makes me think, yeah, II could feel fear Mhmm.
And that would be okay.
And
that's And it the tells me something, probably.
Yeah.
It comes back to, like, the whole spectrum.
(30:19):
Right?
And these are all Exactly.
Beautiful opportunities of, like, checking infor ourself of, oh, wow.
I noticed I really I I responded or reacted outof fear in this circumstance, or I'm having a
hard time being compassionate with myself.
Could those be opportunities to, in our superbusy, full lives, take a pause?
I mean, I'm saying this for myself too.
(30:40):
Right?
And, like, take a breath and come back in and,oh, okay.
Could I just could it be as simple as enhancingmy pleasure and try to increase my oxytocin
level in my blood?
Mhmm.
Can I can I go have an orgasm and come back andsee, oh, can I have more compassion, or can I
come from love?
I mean, it doesn't have to an orgasm.
I like that.
No.
(31:00):
Yeah.
Maybe.
It's like this and that.
Like, everything is so black and white, andthat's, like, the nature of duality.
(31:22):
I heard this amazing quote today on the drivehere that the stars in the sky shine brighter
because they're surrounded by darkness.
Yeah.
And it's like, really need the darkness toexperience the light.
You need a fear to experience the love.
Mhmm.
You need the jealousy to be able to experiencethe the celebration and the connection as you
(31:45):
so beautifully shared.
Your story earlier.
It's like, it's it's all part of the sameexperience.
Now you're
talking about our shadow.
Our shadow, ours like the cock for the weekend.
Wow.
Yeah.
I don't know if we have time for that.
Hey, what's up?
What's up?
But yeah.
It it is like the the thing I'll say on that isit's like the fundamental principle of Chinese
(32:06):
medicine, of Taoism is like the Taiji symbol,the yin yang symbol, where you see like the
white and then it goes into the black, but inthe white swirl, there's a black dot.
In the black swirl, there's a white dot.
And black is representing more the night, theyin.
The white's representing more the day, theyang.
(32:27):
But the idea is, like, in anything in life,there's always that moment of, like, that
darkness or there's always that moment of thelight, which is exactly what you're saying.
It's like that's that concept is deep in a lotof our wisdom traditions.
Yeah.
No.
I think you
need to update I need to update my mirrorsticky as a yin and yang with love and fear as
(32:51):
like Yeah.
Two piece of
I liked it.
I really liked what it oh, I said, I'm not I'mnot a fan of I will riff it up.
The second I get in my head, was gonna ask youto repeat it.
Was like, I
wanna write that down.
Oh.
I was more just like, I don't think I was moreon it's I because I I do believe it's a choice,
and what do we wanna choose.
I just don't think it's wrong or To feel it.
To to to if if if the decision was in the pastto choose fear.
(33:14):
It's not wrong.
Yeah.
I like
that.
It's part of human.
Very competitive.
The opportunity is what do we do from there.
Yep.
So my other question, ladies, is while we'retalking about this concept of let's use
pleasure and orgasms to help us with jealousyor emotions, how have you ladies between our
(33:34):
relationships, like when you've been single?
How have you and I know it's been longer for,you know, some people than others, but how how
have you found that you've been able to stokeyour libido?
Or even in in times where I because I think inrelationships, it ebbs and flows, and sometimes
there can be situations and relationships wherethat that's not happening with a partner.
(33:57):
So in either scenario, like, where it's likejust the any scenario in life, I guess, is what
I'm saying, where there's not that reliabilityof that partner to kind of keep that spark
going, how have you found within yourselves tokeep your libido going?
Have you found any tricks or tools?
(34:19):
Well, this is true, I think, whether I'm in arelationship or not, but I really value
masturbation, just ask.
And I'm aware of how this would sounddifferently if I were a man saying this exact
same thing, but I'm pretty good atmasturbating, And I feel like I give myself a
(34:41):
different orgasm no matter what, even if mypartner is, like, so dialed and really can make
me orgasm to the max, it's still different thanthe like very relaxed masturbation that I give
myself.
And and now being a person with a small childat home, even though I'm in a monogamous
(35:05):
relationship, like long term relationship, wedon't have as much sex as we would like to.
Yeah.
And so we have to sneak those little bits intoo, right, of like self pleasure and and
staying in that like yummy, sensual pleasureplace.
Right?
Or, like, places that I might get that tothat's not sexual, but still makes me feel,
(35:29):
like, sexy and alive, like like going dancing,for example, which is inherently maybe not a
sexual experience, but it makes me, like, helpsmy libido stay stay higher.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Is it good?
Hear, hear.
Yeah?
Maybe that?
Well, I would agree with that for myself,certainly.
(35:52):
Like, developing a very consistent andenjoyable self pleasure practice has been a
huge component of keeping my libido high.
I'm also in a long term monogamousrelationship, and there's cycles, and there are
seasons of more sex, more intimacy, less sex,less intimacy, and at least in my relationship,
(36:19):
it's about really landing into those seasons.
And I have to I have to keep this in check formyself too because I can get into, again, that
comparison mode of like, oh, we used to do thisthis way, or we used to do this so much more
frequently, and because I'm measuring myselfnow against what used to be, I can get into
(36:41):
these cycles of feeling like, oh, it's it's notas good, it's not as enjoyable, it's not what I
desire, and what I'm really learning topractice at this stage in my life is leaning
into all the yumminess of just what is and whatI'm creating now and not having what I used to
experience be the, again, the the definingthing.
(37:01):
So in my partnership, really really learning tolove the the subtleties of intimacy that is not
just penetration.
Like, I have learned to redefine sex for myselfand within my partnership where having sex is
(37:22):
not just being penetrated.
And it's taken me a really long time to getthere, but even just in redefining what that
means for myself, it allows me to enjoy in sucha greater, more deep way the ways that my
partner and I do share time together and doexpress intimacy.
And I would say that having that part of oursensual relationship evolve where it's like,
(37:46):
even just sensual massage if we're just sittingon the couch watching TV and we're, like,
giving each other a hand massage or a footmassage, like, that is so sexually fulfilling
for me where I don't necessarily, like, need tofeel like, oh, because it's it's okay that
we're not having sex in this moment, you know,like, doesn't have to be about that.
Mhmm.
(38:06):
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think for me too, the sex I don't necessarilyhave to have an orgasm too.
Like, you were talking about the journey.
Right?
It's not just about getting to the end.
Like, I can have wonderful sex and never havean orgasm the whole time.
Right?
And and how can that be part of our lives too,right?
(38:29):
Like, love that that intimacy, which leads tobetter sex, right, when you when you do get to
have sex and you've had all these intimatemoments building up to it Right.
I think it enhances that too.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like it's like living in foreplay.
Right?
Yeah.
It's kinda fun to think about.
(38:50):
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I I just wanted to comment real fast.
I asked this question when in leading a liveworkshop, how do you find define sex?
And everybody in the chat was penetration,penetration, penetration, intercourse,
penetration, penetration.
And that was actually one of my my teachingpoints because I think it's so important.
(39:12):
So I just wanted to name that around, like,like, the more that I think we can get away
from this is the way Yeah.
Sex has to look and take like, it takes so muchpressure off, it takes so much anxiety off.
I think it, like, can help in situations wherethere's erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness
or just people are missing each other orthere's overwhelm or so many things.
(39:34):
But if we can, like, open that to be like,yeah, that is wonderful.
But there's all these other ways that we cansexually connect and share this space.
And I just I think it can change everything,that just that little orientation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Totally.
Totally.
It's huge.
Yeah.
How about you?
Like, what
are what are some of your secrets?
(39:54):
Yeah.
Well, mean, I'm appreciating hearing and, like,agreeing with what everyone's saying.
And as someone who tends to have long periodsof being single and so not with a sexual
partner, and as someone who would identify as apretty sexual person, it's an interesting
journey of, okay, how do I be with the libido?
(40:16):
How do I be with my sexual energy?
Sometimes I have found in the past, and I'veorienting currently differently to this, but
one of my struggles has been I'm always beenlike, wow.
It'd just be so everything would be so mucheasier if I was having sex right now so I
could have that release, I
could have that contact around, you know, mycreativity.
(40:36):
And so so how do I be with my sexual energy andmove it through me and can have a release and
masturbate an orgasm, or could I use I've beenused doing this more in the last couple months.
Can I can I tap into that energy and cultivatesomething and create something from it?
But that's not always been the easiestpractice.
(40:57):
Typically, it's been a lot of self pleasure andmasturbation.
For me, that's been a huge part, and I think ahuge I've had so many very beautiful, profound,
deeply healing, like, whole spectrum.
I mean, it sounds wild, but I remember one selfpleasure session, and I was like, oh, this is
coming up, but I felt like I was, like, doingdeep ancestral healing for the my whole
(41:19):
matriarchal lineage of women who weren'tallowed to feel pleasure for pleasure's sake.
And so I know that's not the question, so Idon't know why that came up, but but I think
for somebody who has had lots of sense of beingsingle and keeping connection with my
sensuality and sexuality is a very importantthing to me.
And so, yeah, I used to have, like, a regularself pleasured practice.
(41:43):
Like, it was a big part of, like, my like, youwould think a daily meditation.
I'm not currently in that in that phase where,like, that's, like, an intentional thing I'm
doing to move things through, but it's it'sjust more organic.
But I love that you said dancing.
I think dancing is huge.
Honestly, too, for me, like, to keep what keepsmy libido high is moving my freaking body,
(42:08):
like, training.
When I'm regularly consistently doing some sortof strength training movement regimen, and for
me, that literally feels like I'm juicing mybody.
I'm juicing my fascia.
I'm moving my joints through full range ofmotion under load.
That turns me on.
Yeah.
I get very turned on by that, and that keeps,you know, then there's, like, more circulation,
(42:31):
more blood flow pulsing through my systemphysiologically.
It helps me feel much more sensual, sexual,connected to my libido, whether I'm single,
whether I'm with a partner.
Yeah.
And that's like what you were talking about.
Right?
The pleasure for the sake of it and and notbeing sexual and, like, the hug that you were
(42:54):
talking about.
Like, if I get a lot of good yummy hugs from myfriends that in not in a sexual way, but like
that enhances my libido just because I feel yegood in my body, right, and mackely.
Probably just need to more hug, touch eachother more platonically, but Pleasure wise.
Let's see.
Exactly.
Yeah.
(43:15):
I think females, like, that's one thing of Ithere's just so much more of a tendency, I
think, in for females to, like, rely on eachother that way, and it's not, I think, a common
thing for men in our society.
I don't really know what my point of that isjust other than just the need for the awareness
of, you know, way of bringing this pleasureinto life.
(43:36):
And like you, I have found that movement is oneof the biggest things like snowboarding,
running, lifting, dancing, you know, oursensual dance classes, pole dancing, like,
anything that gets me into my body and into theflow state.
And then Yeah.
And then, like, the the last thing I'll say isjust that, like, I have to give a shout out to
(43:57):
masturbation too.
Because, like,
that's obviously obviously really important.
So it's like but for sure, yeah.
What were you gonna say?
Well, just
you saying central dance, I just wanna say onebrief thing because that feels so important.
And I so I won't go into all of it, but weDiamond and I used to be a very huge part of
our regular practice.
It was a form of movement called centrallyembodied dance.
(44:19):
But basically, just saying this because if anylistener like, I think you could just the
importance of turning on a song that feelsyummy, maybe sexy to you, and how does in in
dim lights, ideally, just do this first withyourself, could be with a partner, but, like,
how does your body wanna And I think thatthat's a question that we don't often invite
for ourselves of how does my body wanna move?
(44:40):
What would feel so yummy?
What would feel so sexy for me?
I think that's a big key in keeping our libidostrong and keeping our connection with our own
sexuality and sensuality in any phase.
Right?
Because it will change and ebb and shift, andthat feels important to, like, stay in
connection.
Yeah.
And and can be simple.
(45:00):
This doesn't necessarily mean it's easypractice, but it can be so simple.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
That's my plug for Yeah.
Dance.
Something you can do when you're at home andliving yeah.
That all our flies.
Stupid ass sex or whatever you wanna do after.
It's great foreplay.
Yeah.
Something else I wanna mention too, Ruby,something you had said made me think of this.
Sexual energy is very similar to creativeenergy.
(45:25):
Right?
And so, like, sexual energy or or having sex,designed for procreation.
Right?
Like, bring bringing humans into the world.
Well, creative energy, like, you can birthother things into existence just through your
creative pursuits.
And so I think that at different stages in ourlife, it ebbs and flows.
Sometimes we might be more in that, like,sexual frequency, and other times, we're in
(45:48):
that more creative frequency in our lives, inour business, designing our houses, being with
our children, what have you, and that that isjust as important and as valuable as being very
sexual.
Totally.
And linking that to making that distinction foran individual of, oh, this is how I'm being
creative, and can feel the sexualness aroundthat even if it's not a sexy act?
(46:13):
Yeah.
Because that makes it feel more delicious.
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And, Diane, you and I talked about this yearsago, the the transmutation of sexual energy
and, like, when to harness it versus, like,whole
And our first question today is jealousy.
(00:03):
Thank you for bringing this up.
I can't remember the last time I felt jealous,honestly.
Yep.
It probably happens more with friends than myromantic relationship.
When I think about jealousy, it's like afruitless emotion, and I don't give it the
time, which maybe now I'm feeling like I Ishould let it trickle in a little bit just
(00:24):
to see what it has to teach me.
How much of the human experience is spentlooping in these painful cycles just because we
don't communicate?
How can you just remain curious in all aspectsof life and let let that be the leading force
rather than being restrictive or thinking thatyou can't have something because you're in long
(00:45):
term partnership.
Jealousy, just like anything else, it's it's achoice.
We can choose to tap into that energy, or wecan choose something different.
We can choose to be in competition with womenor we can choose to be in celebration with with
women.
And we always have that choice in everysituation all the time.
(01:06):
Because as women, we're trained to compete witheach other,
and I'm sure that's where a lot of it comesfrom.
And, like, that feeling that I had towards mypartner was definitely, like,
does he like me more than her?
We're humans.
Fear is a primal instinct of us.
Well, it's not wrong to choose fear.
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
(01:27):
I think it's part of our human experience.
I think that there the higher vibration, themore growth oriented choice, yeah, would be
love.
I think, do I intend to always wanna come fromlove?
Yes.
But I don't think I I don't believe in makingmyself wrong if I do come from
a place of fear.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to my libido lounge podcast.
I'm your host, board certified sexologist,doctor Diane, and I'm going to be introducing
(01:52):
you to a few of my friends.
We're talking today about how to keep yourlibido high and how to keep your libido high
during the ebbs and flows of a relationship, orif you are between relationships, how to still
stoke your own libido so you can still have allthat juicy energy to put back into your work,
to your life, to help balance your hormones,balance stress, and more.
(02:14):
So this is our third and final edition of thisround of the girlfriend episode.
So you will meet my friends again in a second.
And we will do more girlfriend episodes here inthe future several months down the road.
So please do subscribe so you make sure to stayabreast of when we release new episodes.
(02:34):
Alright, everybody.
Let me bring on my friends, and let's getstarted.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
I have another girlfriend edition for youtoday.
We are talking today about jealousy.
We're talking today about love and what we doto keep things hot in long term relationships
or what we do to keep our libido and our ourpleasure and our sex drive going between
(02:57):
relationships and wherever else we go today.
So I have my girlfriends with me again today,and as you probably remember from previous
episodes, we're going by our co code names.
So here is Venus Ruby
Hi.
And Cosmos Hi.
And Yonisan.
Hi there.
So welcome back, everybody.
(03:18):
And our first question today is jealousy.
So I will tell you guys that, like, the myfirst introduction to jealousy was in my
twenties when I was in an open relationship, apoly relationship.
Then, it was with a male and a female, and wewere kinda just like a closed knit unit that
was, like, generally just together.
(03:40):
And then all of a sudden, we were doing moreopenness, and they, the male and the female,
found like, they started getting more and moretime together without me.
And so, like, in any, like, triad relationship,there is, like, the individual relationships,
of course, and then there's the unit.
And we all had, like, equal time, and thenthere was this moment where it just like
(04:04):
started fading away.
Like me.
Like, I started fading away.
And there was more time that it was likewithout being talked about or discussed.
It was them hanging out on like the time thatwas like once upon a time, my time.
And I had no idea what the fuck to do withthose feelings.
(04:26):
Like, it was like jealousy meets with, like,rage.
And it was very interesting because I think thethe biggest thing that I was feeling around the
time was, like, like, all of those emotions,but then I would, like there was a lot of self
shame that would happen because then I wasalmost, like, well, now I'm bad for feeling
jealous, and now I'm bad for feeling angry.
(04:47):
So I think that was, like, one of the biggestlearning lessons for me was, like, how to have
a feeling like that and how to, just understandthat sometimes that is a a normal human
experience.
And I don't experience a lot of jealousy now,but if it does come up in passing, it's like
(05:07):
it's much more that.
I think it's much more in passing because ofactually going through that and, like,
experiencing like, oh, this is what thisfeeling is, it's not bad or wrong, and because
I don't shame it or shame myself, it can justbe like something I notice that just like then
doesn't hold in my body.
So it was like very, I think it was very likeeducational for me, but very, it was just
(05:30):
trauma.
It was just like there was a lot of traumaaround that relationship and a lot of feeling
of rejection in that time.
Yeah.
Did it see
your confidence for a while in relationships?
It really didn't shake my I wouldn't say itshaked my confidence in relationships, but it
it certainly made me not very interested inthat configuration again, you know.
(05:53):
It certainly made me realize, like, that wasjust too too messy of an emotional
configuration for me.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
Were you able
to talk about it with the other two?
Like, was it was there an an allowance orsafety for there to be an open dialogue about
it?
Or closure even?
No.
(06:13):
No.
There really wasn't.
I mean, think we were so young and we didn'thave any that was before I studied, like,
anything on communication styles or any ofthat.
So I think we just didn't we didn't know.
We didn't know how to have those hardconversations.
And I do think it would have been easier, youknow, if we were at least able to, like, name
(06:34):
it and, like, name, like, wow.
This, you know, this may be where it is, like,but there still hurts and, you know, there was
a level of, like, actual care.
But they're just I think it was just, like,the, you know, the the newness of those types
of feelings that nobody, I don't have like anyhard feelings for them, like nobody knew how to
(06:56):
navigate those feelings and the complexity ofit.
So
It's a big thing.
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, it was.
Was dynamic and I think what you said is reallyhuge.
Had there maybe been space or skill or know howeven, right, you were young, so it makes sense
it wasn't there, but just the importance ofnaming Yeah.
(07:16):
First for yourself in any situation what it iswe're feeling, but then being able to name it
in the context of relationship, think is huge,and freeing ourselves from not so readily
hooking in or overly identifying with whateverstory we're creating around.
It's socially jealousy.
That's an thing to feel, and I'd have, like,we're not gonna feel it, or I'm mad if I'm
feeling this.
Right?
(07:37):
But it yeah.
Yeah.
So it seems like a yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I mean,
I think there's always, like, two differentsides of any emotional thing.
It's like we feel the emotion, and thenthey're, like, we like, it's so easy to add the
shame and the guilt on top of the emotionversus just allowing emotion to have its space
and being being okay with feeling it for a
(07:57):
little while.
So that's Being okay with feeling it for alittle while.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's strange when I think about jealousy and Idon't experience it very often.
I can't remember the last time I felt jealous,honestly.
Yeah.
It probably happens more with friends than myromantic relationship and that's more back to,
(08:18):
like, you know, am I worthy enough or all allthat stuff that's not really about jealousy.
Right?
But when I think about jealousy, it's like afruitless emotion, and I don't give it the
time, which maybe now I'm feeling like I Ishould let it trickle in a little bit just to
see what it has to teach me.
(08:40):
Let's just
say, I love that curiosity.
I really do.
Like, all these reflective prompts and just,like, getting us to tap into these older
experiences just has me sitting here wondering,like, how much of the human experience is spent
looping in these painful cycles just because wedon't communicate.
Or or advocate for ourselves or the people thatwe love in those really raw and vulnerable
(09:05):
moments.
Right?
It's like only in these times of of reflectionwhere we can be like, oh, like, you know, we've
come a long way now.
We're we're more anchored or angered in who weare.
We're more confident.
But, yeah, it's like those times where we just,like, we could have spoken up for ourselves and
we didn't and we hold on to that for such along time.
(09:26):
It's really avoid the uncomfortable feeling, somuch of the human experience.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think jealousy is on that throne of,like, some of the more or, like, anger, but
jealousy is like, the the the energy of it is,I think, on in my experience, especially, like,
it's one that, like, I wanna avoid, or I don'treally wanna if I'm feeling it, it's like,
(09:48):
okay.
I need I can be quick to try to bypass it or oruse my mind to be like, oh, well, blah blah
blah.
It shouldn't feel this way or overwrite itMhmm.
Versus actually just letting myself be like,oh, I'm feeling jealous.
Yeah.
Okay.
Interesting.
Curious.
Like, what you said, like, giving it there islikely maybe some not not to hook into it, but
(10:09):
to actually just be with it with lessresistance.
Like, I might another emotion that's easier forme to be with, even if it is a you know, there
are some more challenging emotions that aremore easy for me to be with versus jealousy.
There is some sort of ickiness that I feel orthat I have definitely associated with it.
Yeah.
Like, we don't go to our friends and say, I'mfeeling really jealous.
(10:30):
Like, it's such an embarrassing emotion.
Does feel that way even to say out loud.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
But that said, I don't experience thatjealousy.
I'm just
You said it Yeah.
It's
it's like I The concept of these emotions andlike how we process them and how what we allow
(10:53):
is so interesting from a standpoint of I'mthinking of an example.
I made a video about shame, a YouTube videoabout shame and sexual shame, and their
comments were very interesting.
And it's always fascinating to me who sayswhat, but there was somebody that had some
pretty strong comments about Shane has apurpose.
And I think that person, like, missed the pointof what I was talking about, but I think this
(11:17):
person also had a really good point that, like,applies here, which is, like, this person's
point was shame is teaching us that we are inalignment with something that is where, you
know, that's good for us or is not.
And I think that's the good part of shame.
And then of course, there's the other side ofshame where it's like self deprecating.
Yeah.
But it's like, so to take something like thatand like apply it to jealousy Yeah.
(11:39):
I think is like a similar type of thing oflike, where is that line between this is a
teacher around what feels good, what doesn'tfeel good versus now this is something that is
taking over life and is actually, like,detrimental.
Yeah.
And I think there's a line.
Yeah.
Well, I I I like that.
I mean, when I think of shame, I think, when weare internal in our shame Mhmm.
(12:01):
That feeds it.
The shadow, the keeping the closed doors,that's gonna feed feed feed the shame versus
what it is when we can be witnessed in safecapacity, whether it be a partner, a lover,
therapist coach, friends, somewhere.
That if if is shined on shame, it reallysupports it in softening and letting go and
(12:21):
being moved.
And so just you bringing up that analogy makesme care.
I'm like, okay.
So in relationship to then jealousy.
Mhmm.
Like, uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's like, could I share it if they if I'mfeeling like, oh, I'm feeling jealous in this
friendship?
Like, I already feel a contraction in my heart.
But I'm like, what would that be like to shareto the friend?
And and could they hear that?
And could that yeah.
And would that help just help in the unwinding?
(12:43):
Because then it's just not internalized and mymind's trying to, like, overpower or override.
Mhmm.
Right?
Which isn't true, like, is is creating moredisconnection, I think.
Mhmm.
Wow.
Yeah.
So curious.
Anybody and do you have anything else to share?
And I think about jealousy in a sexual orromantic relationship, the reason that I have
(13:07):
an aversion to it or or maybe just I mean,doesn't I hadn't thought about jealousy,
honestly, until you brought up this question,and then I really spent some time with it.
But to me, it's like the ownership aspect,right, of like, this is my friend, this is my
partner, this is whatever.
And and because I don't feel that in myrelationship, and we've we've talked about
(13:30):
that, my partner and I, right, like, it's notpossible for me to fulfill everything for him,
and he's not gonna be everything for me.
And that's why we have friends.
Right?
So, like, this book that I wanna talk about,I'm gonna go to my friend or, like, get that
somewhere else.
And if my partner doesn't feel fulfilled and isgoing after someone else and I have the feeling
(13:52):
of jealousy, that's giving me information aboutour relationship.
Right?
Like, what's missing that's really important?
What's a want versus a need, right?
Like, we have an understanding that we may beattracted to other people, that we will be
attracted to other people, that's just natural,Right?
And it's come up over the many years that we'vebeen together, but we don't necessarily need
(14:22):
that to be fulfilled in our relationships.
Right?
Like, sometimes that's just desire or it'stelling us something like, this person has
this.
Can we incorporate that into our relationshipsomehow?
So I think we've been able to navigate outsideof jealousy by being really honest about our
(14:42):
sexual attraction to other people or what wemight be missing in our partnership.
Mhmm.
Sounds like leading with curiosity too.
Mhmm.
Just letting that be part of the exploration ofmonogamy.
Like, how can you just remain curious in allaspects of life, and let let that be the
(15:03):
leading force rather than being restrictive orthinking that you can't have something because
you're in long term partnership.
Sure.
Yeah.
And I wouldn't even say we're monogamous in theway that that confines a relationship.
Right?
That's like, when I think about monogamy, it'sa stifling term to me.
(15:24):
Right?
That's like, you can't look in another person.
You can't like have desires out of out of thisrelationship.
And so I wouldn't even label myself monogamouseven though I'm in a committed relationship
where I only have sex with one person.
But that I don't know.
It feels like a dead term to me.
Where where jealousy could flourish becauseyou're being confined into this really
(15:48):
unnatural, like, this person is everything kindof relationship.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's that's exactly the the reason I renamedmy libido club to the hot and modern monogamy
club, was actually to differentiate between,like, the traditional monogamy, which I think
has all of those feelings, and, like, what doesit mean in this day and age for, like, what is
(16:12):
what is the modern version of monogamy?
How is it, like, how does it look where we canactually be honest and say, like, yeah, that's
a that's a beautiful person.
There are beautiful people in the world.
There are, like, every human has moreattraction.
Every human is going to need even in monogamyother relationships and, like, that being okay
versus, like, like you said, this how canmonogamy be like supportive and hot and novel
(16:35):
and full of desire without being restrictive?
It's the spectrum.
It's monogamy.
Yeah.
Makes me wonder just like if everything in lifeis actually just a spectrum.
Like, even even jealousy.
I I love the conversation of jealousy, and andRuby, I've really been just reflecting on on
something you had said in the very beginning ofjust, like, jealousy on the throne or something
(16:59):
to that effect, and it just made me wonder andagain just feel curious about all of these,
like, seemingly negative emotions that weexperience as humans just being rewritten and
reanalyzed and redefined in our modern daylives to just be these interesting teachers.
(17:20):
Like, jealousy is information.
Like, what is it showing me about myself?
Or what is it showing me about how I'm showingup in these relationships rather than having it
to be this this, like, defining thing about whoI am and Right.
And what I'm all about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So here's a curious because I so 1000% agreewith that.
Right?
(17:40):
And I think that we tend to, like, have more ofthat, like, the both end perspective that
brings it in more of the grayer versus blackand white.
But I'm curious, like, how are ways that you oranyone you know, how do you find yourself in
really practical ways around jealousy or otherthings in in your primary partner relationship
or friendships, however, shows up?
(18:01):
How do you find yourself in the moment reallybeing able to see this?
It's, like, all fine and dandy, right, when wetalk about it, but when the trigger is there
to, like, see the spectrum or feel more theboth and the end.
You're just reminding me of the story.
Wow.
Okay.
Jealousy that I experienced that I completelyforgot about Uh-huh.
(18:22):
In my current relationship, and this was manyyears ago, which is probably why I forgot about
it.
Thank you for bringing this up.
When I was first with my partner, we were at anevent with some of his very long term friends
and there was a woman there that I found outlater my partner had slept with, like as a like
(18:43):
a one off.
It was they were both mourning, m o u r,mourning, and and like it was born out of that.
Right?
So it like they were stayed friends, it wasn'tromantic, but when I saw them the next time,
they hugged and I saw her like, rub his back ina really familiar way, and I remember feeling
(19:05):
jealous Yeah.
Of like, oh, she's known him intimately in theway that I've known him intimately and she's
still in his life and all these feelings cameup and how we navigated that, of course, was
talking about it like adults.
Like, you know, I had these feelings come upand, like, talking about what she means to him
and that honestly, that's all it took for meto, like, let that go.
(19:30):
Yeah.
Because just knowing, like, how he feels aboutit and, like, him and I being truly honest
about these big feelings as adults were, like,that's yeah.
That's what it did in Laram.
Yeah.
But let's mean, you make it seem like, oh,like, we're adults, so we had the conversation,
but it also could have been just as quoteunquote easy or some to oh, it was just a one
(19:51):
moment to ignore it and try to, like, oh, justoverpower.
Right?
But it like, yeah.
So I think it's a really beautiful example ofno.
Like, I'm not I I had this strong emotion comeup just because it was, like, okay.
Contact to the back.
I'm gonna share it with my partner.
I'm gonna let him in on what's happening withinme.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the next time I saw her, made it thatpoint, she's very cool too, like, and then this
(20:12):
part, and like, gorgeous, and like, all thethings, right?
And I remember making it a point to know herbecause otherwise, that jealousy could really
bubble, right, without, like, being connectedin in some way.
And so it all worked out great, but it's goodto be reminded that this jealousy happens even
if it's not in the forefront of my mind.
(20:34):
Mhmm.
What your story really makes me think about ishow much how much personal responsibility we
have, and this was actually what I was thinkingabout in response to your question, Ruby.
Jealousy, just like anything else, it's it's achoice.
We can choose to tap into that energy, or wecan choose something different.
(20:55):
We can choose to be in competition with women,or we can choose to be in celebration with with
women.
And we always have that choice in everysituation all the time.
And it doesn't mean that you make the higherthe higher choice.
In in this case, like, being in celebrationover competition all the time.
(21:18):
But yeah.
It's like we we can choose whether or not wewanna let those feelings and emotions take
over.
No.
Yeah.
It's interesting.
Jealousy doesn't feel like I mean, I feel likeI make the choice, but then jealousy feels like
one of those things that if if we were tochoose, we would never choose that, but that I
(21:39):
think you're playing more like instinct?
Yeah.
Or like it's a it's a spark, and maybe you haveno choice about that part.
Mhmm.
But you're saying you get to choose how tonavigate.
How to The dialy.
It is the response.
Yes.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you for clarifying that.
Not that the jealous feeling won't come up, butyou get to choose how you navigate through the
world with that.
And what that means is pretty show and exactly.
(22:01):
It means about you and your ego.
Mhmm.
I always associate the feeling of jealousy, forme personally, of being less than something.
And it, like, for me, I'm using the wordcompetition.
Maybe that's not how it resonates for everyone.
And the way I try and just quell some of thoseharder feelings is to remember that I'm I'm a
(22:25):
flavor, and you're a flavor
Mhmm.
And you're a flavor, and you're a flavor.
And all the flavors are delicious and wonderfuland desirable, and different people enjoy
different flavors, and different flavorsresonate at different points in our life, and,
like, we're we're all we're all worthy of loveand being desired, and, yeah, it just feels,
(22:47):
like, more interesting to to think of it thatway.
I think you're right about the competition parttoo, because as women, we're trained Oh, yes.
From way early Yes.
To compete with each other, and I'm sure that'swhere a lot of it comes from.
And like, that feeling that I had towards mypartner was definitely, like, does he like me
(23:07):
more than her?
Or, you you know, like, am I better than her orall of that?
But that's not really he could be with thatperson.
Right?
Which brings us back to the main point of thisquestion, which is if my partner wants to is
happier with someone or I'm happier withsomeone, that we have this agreement that
(23:29):
that's we're gonna live that truth.
Right?
No matter what it means for our relationship,because why would we be unhappy together?
Yeah.
Right?
Just for the sake of not being jealous or ordisrupting our monogamous relationship.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
There's a There's a term in the openrelationship world is used a lot.
(23:52):
It's a word that's not anything to do with thatsetting, but it's used more in that setting
than I've heard it used other places, which iscompersion.
Do you guys know that word?
It's a word that basically means taking so muchpersonal pleasure in somebody else's pleasure.
I even had it I heard it used, financiallyrecently, like financial conversion.
(24:16):
So it's like, oh, you see somebody that's at abetter financial place.
And rather than being, like like, jealous or,like, comparing or having envy, of course,
these things can come up, but then it's like,what do you do with that?
Well, how quickly can it be like, oh, wow.
I can actually be so joyous and feel so muchpleasure that somebody gets to live that flavor
(24:37):
of a life, which is easier said than done, Ithink, in a lot of ways.
But that's what I think about when you'retalking about you and your partner around,
like, where is this level of of compersion?
And even with, like, jealousy in general, like,how can we see something?
And, like, to your point of, like, what do wedo with it?
How do we respond?
How can we, like, move and respond in a waywhere it's, like, not making it wrong, not
(25:00):
shaming.
Maybe it's information about what we do want inour life and, you know, more, and maybe there's
action.
But how can we also in the moment, like, moveto feel essential joy for something else in the
world?
And, like, easier said than done, but a lot ofbenefits from, like, living life in that state,
(25:22):
I think, of of just being so joyous for the joyin other people.
Mhmm.
Well, since this is a podcast about sex andpleasure, I'm curious for you, doctor D,
because I think to be able to orient in thatway Mhmm.
Or even have the capacity to have the choice tochoose how you're gonna respond versus reacting
(25:44):
out of jealousy or whatever's being triggered
Mhmm.
To be in that place of joy, I would imaginethink a person would need to be experiencing
good amount of pleasure in their life, sexualor nonsexual.
Can
you speak to that, doctor d?
I can.
Thank you, Venus Ruby.
I mean, my feeling on that is, like, this isback to, you know, I told you one of my
(26:07):
favorite statements offline, which is pleasureis not just about desire, but something we
require.
And I think this is so related to that,
you know, because I think
there's a line again.
Pleasure is not just that desire, but somethingwe require.
I could feel you're really taking it in rightnow.
But I think there's so much to be said aboutthat because when it comes to this idea of
(26:30):
being able to experience more conversion, like,and how do we do that?
And I think the more that we are filled up inour own body and our nervous system is
regulated because any of these things thatwe're talking about, jealousy and shame, but
jealousy is the point of this episode, one ofthe things that I think helps us co regulate or
self regulate is the ability for our nervoussystem not to like launch us into outer space,
(26:55):
like mine did when I was in my twenties aroundlike, okay, how do we have these feelings and
actually sit with them and and not feel likewe're in this fight or flight driven place?
And I think we do that when our nervoussystem's regulated.
And what we see with oxytocin, if you look at,like, studies on oxytocin around, like, people
talk about, like, the twenty second hug, forexample, and if you look at twenty second hug
(27:19):
versus orgasm, and the amount of oxytocin,like, a twenty second hug is gonna give you,
like, raised blood levels maybe twenty, thirty,40%.
Orgasms gonna raise blood levels of oxytocinlike 200, 300, 400, So 500 when we see that
oxytocin is like one of the most regulatingthings for getting us into that nervous system
(27:43):
calm, relaxed, regulated state, that's wherepleasure of all types.
And especially things like bringing in likesomething like orgasm that can, you know, that
can Really?
200 times, you know, or 200%, I should say, to500 increase our blood levels.
I do think there's that direct relationshiplike you bring up.
(28:04):
So I love your question because there's thatdirect relationship, I think, of being able to
feel so much pleasure and co regulating or selfregulating your nervous system, and therefore,
being able to handle, you know, jealousy andwork through jealousy and these emotions in a
nonreactive kind of way.
Do you think when we feel jealousy that weshould have an orgasm?
(28:28):
That's what I was The takeaway is more orgasm.
It's how I'm getting, yeah.
That seems like
That's highly doctor recommended.
I haven't had enough this week, for real.
I was
working, working, working, working.
I
have this note on my mirror that says love orfear you decide every day.
(28:49):
And for me, that feels like it Every day.
Yeah.
That's very clear.
Right?
With jealousy.
Like, if you're happy Yeah.
If you're happy and you're choosing love, thenseeing someone you love be happy even if it's
with someone else.
Like, that's so clear.
And the opposite is clearly fear.
Right?
Like, those are the two not that I alwayschoose the right one, but, yeah, I think that's
(29:13):
how
Well, it's not wrong to choose fear.
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
I think it's part of our human experience.
I think that the higher vibration, the moregrowth oriented choice, yeah, would be love.
I think, do I intend to always wanna come fromlove?
Yes.
But I don't think I I don't believe in makingmyself wrong if I do come from a place of fear.
(29:34):
Instead, how quickly can I can I notice that?
And and if I need to do some repair, do repairor resolve what what needs to happen.
But what's I mean, I love that quote I wannawrite, and I love how you ended it with love or
fear every day, or what is
I like every day.
Actually, at the end of I like the way thatyou're framing this, though, because I've been,
like, I do tend to judge myself for choosingfear.
(29:58):
Yeah.
But I like I like the compassion that you'rebut the end of the quote actually is,
compassion is an state
of being.
Compassion is an evolved state of being.
Yeah.
That's the second which makes me think, yeah, II could feel fear Mhmm.
And that would be okay.
And
that's And it the tells me something, probably.
Yeah.
It comes back to, like, the whole spectrum.
(30:19):
Right?
And these are all Exactly.
Beautiful opportunities of, like, checking infor ourself of, oh, wow.
I noticed I really I I responded or reacted outof fear in this circumstance, or I'm having a
hard time being compassionate with myself.
Could those be opportunities to, in our superbusy, full lives, take a pause?
I mean, I'm saying this for myself too.
(30:40):
Right?
And, like, take a breath and come back in and,oh, okay.
Could I just could it be as simple as enhancingmy pleasure and try to increase my oxytocin
level in my blood?
Mhmm.
Can I can I go have an orgasm and come back andsee, oh, can I have more compassion, or can I
come from love?
I mean, it doesn't have to an orgasm.
I like that.
No.
(31:00):
Yeah.
Maybe.
It's like this and that.
Like, everything is so black and white, andthat's, like, the nature of duality.
(31:22):
I heard this amazing quote today on the drivehere that the stars in the sky shine brighter
because they're surrounded by darkness.
Yeah.
And it's like, really need the darkness toexperience the light.
You need a fear to experience the love.
Mhmm.
You need the jealousy to be able to experiencethe the celebration and the connection as you
(31:45):
so beautifully shared.
Your story earlier.
It's like, it's it's all part of the sameexperience.
Now you're
talking about our shadow.
Our shadow, ours like the cock for the weekend.
Wow.
Yeah.
I don't know if we have time for that.
Hey, what's up?
What's up?
But yeah.
It it is like the the thing I'll say on that isit's like the fundamental principle of Chinese
(32:06):
medicine, of Taoism is like the Taiji symbol,the yin yang symbol, where you see like the
white and then it goes into the black, but inthe white swirl, there's a black dot.
In the black swirl, there's a white dot.
And black is representing more the night, theyin.
The white's representing more the day, theyang.
(32:27):
But the idea is, like, in anything in life,there's always that moment of, like, that
darkness or there's always that moment of thelight, which is exactly what you're saying.
It's like that's that concept is deep in a lotof our wisdom traditions.
Yeah.
No.
I think you
need to update I need to update my mirrorsticky as a yin and yang with love and fear as
(32:51):
like Yeah.
Two piece of
I liked it.
I really liked what it oh, I said, I'm not I'mnot a fan of I will riff it up.
The second I get in my head, was gonna ask youto repeat it.
Was like, I
wanna write that down.
Oh.
I was more just like, I don't think I was moreon it's I because I I do believe it's a choice,
and what do we wanna choose.
I just don't think it's wrong or To feel it.
To to to if if if the decision was in the pastto choose fear.
(33:14):
It's not wrong.
Yeah.
I like
that.
It's part of human.
Very competitive.
The opportunity is what do we do from there.
Yep.
So my other question, ladies, is while we'retalking about this concept of let's use
pleasure and orgasms to help us with jealousyor emotions, how have you ladies between our
(33:34):
relationships, like when you've been single?
How have you and I know it's been longer for,you know, some people than others, but how how
have you found that you've been able to stokeyour libido?
Or even in in times where I because I think inrelationships, it ebbs and flows, and sometimes
there can be situations and relationships wherethat that's not happening with a partner.
(33:57):
So in either scenario, like, where it's likejust the any scenario in life, I guess, is what
I'm saying, where there's not that reliabilityof that partner to kind of keep that spark
going, how have you found within yourselves tokeep your libido going?
Have you found any tricks or tools?
(34:19):
Well, this is true, I think, whether I'm in arelationship or not, but I really value
masturbation, just ask.
And I'm aware of how this would sounddifferently if I were a man saying this exact
same thing, but I'm pretty good atmasturbating, And I feel like I give myself a
(34:41):
different orgasm no matter what, even if mypartner is, like, so dialed and really can make
me orgasm to the max, it's still different thanthe like very relaxed masturbation that I give
myself.
And and now being a person with a small childat home, even though I'm in a monogamous
(35:05):
relationship, like long term relationship, wedon't have as much sex as we would like to.
Yeah.
And so we have to sneak those little bits intoo, right, of like self pleasure and and
staying in that like yummy, sensual pleasureplace.
Right?
Or, like, places that I might get that tothat's not sexual, but still makes me feel,
(35:29):
like, sexy and alive, like like going dancing,for example, which is inherently maybe not a
sexual experience, but it makes me, like, helpsmy libido stay stay higher.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Is it good?
Hear, hear.
Yeah?
Maybe that?
Well, I would agree with that for myself,certainly.
(35:52):
Like, developing a very consistent andenjoyable self pleasure practice has been a
huge component of keeping my libido high.
I'm also in a long term monogamousrelationship, and there's cycles, and there are
seasons of more sex, more intimacy, less sex,less intimacy, and at least in my relationship,
(36:19):
it's about really landing into those seasons.
And I have to I have to keep this in check formyself too because I can get into, again, that
comparison mode of like, oh, we used to do thisthis way, or we used to do this so much more
frequently, and because I'm measuring myselfnow against what used to be, I can get into
(36:41):
these cycles of feeling like, oh, it's it's notas good, it's not as enjoyable, it's not what I
desire, and what I'm really learning topractice at this stage in my life is leaning
into all the yumminess of just what is and whatI'm creating now and not having what I used to
experience be the, again, the the definingthing.
(37:01):
So in my partnership, really really learning tolove the the subtleties of intimacy that is not
just penetration.
Like, I have learned to redefine sex for myselfand within my partnership where having sex is
(37:22):
not just being penetrated.
And it's taken me a really long time to getthere, but even just in redefining what that
means for myself, it allows me to enjoy in sucha greater, more deep way the ways that my
partner and I do share time together and doexpress intimacy.
And I would say that having that part of oursensual relationship evolve where it's like,
(37:46):
even just sensual massage if we're just sittingon the couch watching TV and we're, like,
giving each other a hand massage or a footmassage, like, that is so sexually fulfilling
for me where I don't necessarily, like, need tofeel like, oh, because it's it's okay that
we're not having sex in this moment, you know,like, doesn't have to be about that.
Mhmm.
(38:06):
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think for me too, the sex I don't necessarilyhave to have an orgasm too.
Like, you were talking about the journey.
Right?
It's not just about getting to the end.
Like, I can have wonderful sex and never havean orgasm the whole time.
Right?
And and how can that be part of our lives too,right?
(38:29):
Like, love that that intimacy, which leads tobetter sex, right, when you when you do get to
have sex and you've had all these intimatemoments building up to it Right.
I think it enhances that too.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like it's like living in foreplay.
Right?
Yeah.
It's kinda fun to think about.
(38:50):
Mhmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I I just wanted to comment real fast.
I asked this question when in leading a liveworkshop, how do you find define sex?
And everybody in the chat was penetration,penetration, penetration, intercourse,
penetration, penetration.
And that was actually one of my my teachingpoints because I think it's so important.
(39:12):
So I just wanted to name that around, like,like, the more that I think we can get away
from this is the way Yeah.
Sex has to look and take like, it takes so muchpressure off, it takes so much anxiety off.
I think it, like, can help in situations wherethere's erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness
or just people are missing each other orthere's overwhelm or so many things.
(39:34):
But if we can, like, open that to be like,yeah, that is wonderful.
But there's all these other ways that we cansexually connect and share this space.
And I just I think it can change everything,that just that little orientation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Totally.
Totally.
It's huge.
Yeah.
How about you?
Like, what
are what are some of your secrets?
(39:54):
Yeah.
Well, mean, I'm appreciating hearing and, like,agreeing with what everyone's saying.
And as someone who tends to have long periodsof being single and so not with a sexual
partner, and as someone who would identify as apretty sexual person, it's an interesting
journey of, okay, how do I be with the libido?
(40:16):
How do I be with my sexual energy?
Sometimes I have found in the past, and I'veorienting currently differently to this, but
one of my struggles has been I'm always beenlike, wow.
It'd just be so everything would be so mucheasier if I was having sex right now so I
could have that release, I
could have that contact around, you know, mycreativity.
(40:36):
And so so how do I be with my sexual energy andmove it through me and can have a release and
masturbate an orgasm, or could I use I've beenused doing this more in the last couple months.
Can I can I tap into that energy and cultivatesomething and create something from it?
But that's not always been the easiestpractice.
(40:57):
Typically, it's been a lot of self pleasure andmasturbation.
For me, that's been a huge part, and I think ahuge I've had so many very beautiful, profound,
deeply healing, like, whole spectrum.
I mean, it sounds wild, but I remember one selfpleasure session, and I was like, oh, this is
coming up, but I felt like I was, like, doingdeep ancestral healing for the my whole
(41:19):
matriarchal lineage of women who weren'tallowed to feel pleasure for pleasure's sake.
And so I know that's not the question, so Idon't know why that came up, but but I think
for somebody who has had lots of sense of beingsingle and keeping connection with my
sensuality and sexuality is a very importantthing to me.
And so, yeah, I used to have, like, a regularself pleasured practice.
(41:43):
Like, it was a big part of, like, my like, youwould think a daily meditation.
I'm not currently in that in that phase where,like, that's, like, an intentional thing I'm
doing to move things through, but it's it'sjust more organic.
But I love that you said dancing.
I think dancing is huge.
Honestly, too, for me, like, to keep what keepsmy libido high is moving my freaking body,
(42:08):
like, training.
When I'm regularly consistently doing some sortof strength training movement regimen, and for
me, that literally feels like I'm juicing mybody.
I'm juicing my fascia.
I'm moving my joints through full range ofmotion under load.
That turns me on.
Yeah.
I get very turned on by that, and that keeps,you know, then there's, like, more circulation,
(42:31):
more blood flow pulsing through my systemphysiologically.
It helps me feel much more sensual, sexual,connected to my libido, whether I'm single,
whether I'm with a partner.
Yeah.
And that's like what you were talking about.
Right?
The pleasure for the sake of it and and notbeing sexual and, like, the hug that you were
(42:54):
talking about.
Like, if I get a lot of good yummy hugs from myfriends that in not in a sexual way, but like
that enhances my libido just because I feel yegood in my body, right, and mackely.
Probably just need to more hug, touch eachother more platonically, but Pleasure wise.
Let's see.
Exactly.
Yeah.
(43:15):
I think females, like, that's one thing of Ithere's just so much more of a tendency, I
think, in for females to, like, rely on eachother that way, and it's not, I think, a common
thing for men in our society.
I don't really know what my point of that isjust other than just the need for the awareness
of, you know, way of bringing this pleasureinto life.
(43:36):
And like you, I have found that movement is oneof the biggest things like snowboarding,
running, lifting, dancing, you know, oursensual dance classes, pole dancing, like,
anything that gets me into my body and into theflow state.
And then Yeah.
And then, like, the the last thing I'll say isjust that, like, I have to give a shout out to
(43:57):
masturbation too.
Because, like,
that's obviously obviously really important.
So it's like but for sure, yeah.
What were you gonna say?
Well, just
you saying central dance, I just wanna say onebrief thing because that feels so important.
And I so I won't go into all of it, but weDiamond and I used to be a very huge part of
our regular practice.
It was a form of movement called centrallyembodied dance.
(44:19):
But basically, just saying this because if anylistener like, I think you could just the
importance of turning on a song that feelsyummy, maybe sexy to you, and how does in in
dim lights, ideally, just do this first withyourself, could be with a partner, but, like,
how does your body wanna And I think thatthat's a question that we don't often invite
for ourselves of how does my body wanna move?
(44:40):
What would feel so yummy?
What would feel so sexy for me?
I think that's a big key in keeping our libidostrong and keeping our connection with our own
sexuality and sensuality in any phase.
Right?
Because it will change and ebb and shift, andthat feels important to, like, stay in
connection.
Yeah.
And and can be simple.
(45:00):
This doesn't necessarily mean it's easypractice, but it can be so simple.
Mhmm.
Yeah.
That's my plug for Yeah.
Dance.
Something you can do when you're at home andliving yeah.
That all our flies.
Stupid ass sex or whatever you wanna do after.
It's great foreplay.
Yeah.
Something else I wanna mention too, Ruby,something you had said made me think of this.
Sexual energy is very similar to creativeenergy.
(45:25):
Right?
And so, like, sexual energy or or having sex,designed for procreation.
Right?
Like, bring bringing humans into the world.
Well, creative energy, like, you can birthother things into existence just through your
creative pursuits.
And so I think that at different stages in ourlife, it ebbs and flows.
Sometimes we might be more in that, like,sexual frequency, and other times, we're in
(45:48):
that more creative frequency in our lives, inour business, designing our houses, being with
our children, what have you, and that that isjust as important and as valuable as being very
sexual.
Totally.
And linking that to making that distinction foran individual of, oh, this is how I'm being
creative, and can feel the sexualness aroundthat even if it's not a sexy act?
(46:13):
Yeah.
Because that makes it feel more delicious.
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And, Diane, you and I talked about this yearsago, the the transmutation of sexual energy
and, like, when to harness it versus, like,whole
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