January 30, 2025 • 19 mins
Low libido is a common challenge, but there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. In this episode of _The Libido Lounge_, Dr. Diane unpacks the top reasons behind a sluggish sex drive and shares actionable tips to bring back the spark.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus onall things love, lust, and libido.
We believe that fabulous sex is important tohealth as exercise and good food.
Hey, everybody.
(00:21):
Welcome back to another episode of The Lounge.
I am your host libido expert and boardcertified sexologist, doctor Diane.
In this particular episode, I want to talkabout a question that I get asked a lot in the
sexual health space, which is what is myopinion of the number one reason for low libido
(00:44):
or a low sex drive?
And this is probably also the most difficultquestion I get asked because one of the things
that I have really learned in fifteen years ofpracticing medicine is that when it comes to
chronic situations, I've never seen one rootcause.
So when we're talking about chronically low sexdrive, there's probably not gonna be just one
(01:06):
cause.
So what is the number one cause?
Well, it's it's a confusing thing.
Right?
Because there's part of me that really wants toanswer this with the most obvious thing,
hormones, because we do know that hormones areso important for a healthy sex drive.
I have a girlfriend that just got put onhormones, and she keeps texting me and telling
(01:28):
me how much fun she's having with her hormonesbecause of everything that she has no noticed
change.
And she's single and still has noticed that hersex drive has gone through the roof just with
some very low dose hormone replacement therapy.
So there's absolutely a huge, huge things tosay for hormones and the aging process of
(01:49):
hormones.
But I don't wanna leave it there so I have alot more to say, but I do wanna say a little
bit about hormones and the aging processbecause we do know that hormonal production for
women as well as men drops with age.
Right?
It does decline with age.
We see that men go through andropause.
It says women go through menopause.
(02:09):
And what do we do about that?
Well, it's interesting that some studies haveshown that we actually decrease the the
metabolism of testosterone as we age.
The testosterone will stay in our blood longer.
So as it's decreasing as we age, as the amountis decreasing, it tends to stay in the body
longer.
Now the decrease is due to the leydig cells ofthe testes not producing the same amount in men
(02:35):
as well as the ovaries and the adrenal glandsin women not producing as much in women.
And so when this happens, one of the mostimportant things to understand is that one
thing that slows down or, I should say, speedsup the aging and the drop in testosterone in
(02:57):
particular is oxidative stress.
So research and studies have shown that whenthe body has higher amounts of oxidative
stress, that that testosterone drop can happenfaster.
Now studies have been done more on men for thisthan women.
However, I suspect that it's very similar forwomen because when it comes to oxidative
(03:19):
stress, that's a mechanism that affects bothfemales and males in many ways.
So so what is oxidative stress?
Right?
You might be wondering, like, well, I've heardthis term or maybe you haven't, but what the
easiest way that I have found to explainoxidative stress is it's a chain reaction in
our body.
So are the molecules in our body all want tohave certain number of electrons, right,
(03:43):
certain number of of molecules attached tothem.
That makes them very stable.
Well, in an oxidative stress situation, we haveunstable molecules in the body that starts
stealing electrons off of other molecules.
And when that happens, when a molecule loses anelectron and gets stolen, then another they
will try to steal from another.
(04:04):
So all of these cells and all of theseenergetic functions in the body that are trying
to be stable so that the cell can work to itsultimate capacity are now not able to work to
their ultimate capacity because they're tryingto get their stability back.
So their focus changes from from something likeproducing testosterone to making itself stable
(04:26):
as a cell.
So oxidative stress are these chain likereactions that create that type of instability
in the body, and a free radical is basicallysomething that creates that that chain.
Now if you've heard of an antioxidant,antioxidants are things that can stop that
chain reaction, that can donate electronswithout hurting itself and put an end to that
(04:50):
stealing process in the body.
So that's the easiest way I found to reallyexplain that, and we see that that oxidative
mechanism in research can really impact thetestosterone levels and get that decline of
testosterone to happen at an earlier age.
This is one of so many reasons to takeantioxidants.
This is one of so many reasons to avoid thingsin your diet that have been shown to cause
(05:14):
oxidative stress such as the industrial seedoils like safflower and sunflower and peanut
and canola and soy.
Get those things out.
They cause a lot of oxidative stress in thebody and can lead to these chain like reactions
I'm I'm talking about that could potentiallythen impact a earlier testosterone drop in
(05:35):
humans as as we age.
So, yes, like the story I told you about myfriend, like, testosterone and estrogen are
essential for, you know, for libido.
But then there's the other side of things thata lot of people make their way into my world
when they have been working with a great doctorfor years and they're on HRT and a lot of their
(05:58):
symptoms are getting better, but yet the libidois not there.
Right?
And this is actually very, very common, whichis why I have a hard time saying that
testosterone is or that that hormones are,like, number one thing because so while they're
so essential, there's also so many times thatthey get fixed and the libido doesn't turn back
on.
(06:19):
So I wanna remind you guys before I go on thathere coming up in just a couple weeks, the
February, I have my four day to better sex jumpstart.
So it's four days.
We have a a deep dive into what you need to doto start having better sex, better intimacy,
and getting back into novelty and play andpleasure and feeling good and orgasms and
(06:43):
connection and love and partnership and allthose juicy, yummy things, that is coming up at
the February.
And right now, I am giving it away as my giftto you guys for free.
So this is part of my, you know, New Year, newPleasure You type of, offering for you guys.
So make sure you sign up for that.
(07:04):
You don't wanna miss out.
There is a coupon code as well to bring it downto $0, so make sure you copy that coupon code
as well.
All of that's gonna be in your show notes foryou, but I do really encourage you to show up.
It's four days.
There'll be live calls with me every day, a tonof prerecorded videos and material for you as
well.
And that's our goal is to really jump startyour libido and jump start your sex life in
(07:28):
just four days.
So, make sure you sign up for that.
Okay.
So on to the next portion of this.
Right?
On to the the the topic of, well, what then ifit's not just hormones, what is what are the
the top reasons for a low libido?
So like I said, like, bringing this to oneanswer is very difficult for me just because I
(07:53):
just don't see medicine that way.
And I think there is it's gonna depend upon theindividual, but I can come up with beyond
hormones.
I can come up with three that I would say putat the top of the tier, but there's so many
other things here.
And we're gonna cover all of these and more andwhat to do about them in that jump start as
well, in that four day jump start.
(08:14):
So one, I would say is priority.
And when I talk to other sexologists aboutthis, priority is the one that seems to be most
agreed upon at least in the people I havetalked to across the board around sex and
around libido is that so much of the time, itdoesn't become a priority.
Right?
It's like this afterthought, and we try to fitit in at 10:30 at night when we're exhausted.
(08:37):
Right?
We try to fit it in.
Maybe when there's kids banging on their door,you're thinking about work, and it's just
there's just, like, hardly any time or energyto put into pleasure.
So one I would say is, like, is that priority,right, of actually making this a huge priority
in your life is pretty essential.
Secondly, I would say is the the component ofsafety.
(08:59):
And safety, I mean, like, obviously, physicalsafety.
Right?
We all obviously have to feel physically safearound our partner, or there's a whole another
problem there.
But I'm also talking about emotional safety.
And emotional safety can be things that are,like if you're feeling emotionally unsafe, it
could be, like, big things like a lot ofoutburst and a lot of yelling and fighting and
(09:20):
those types of things can definitely lead toemotional unsafety, but it can be as simple as
just not feeling safe to bring up theconversation of, like, sex or of what you want
and how to talk about that.
That's one of the reasons I'm doing this workis because I'm what I'm working to do is to
create a space where this taboo topic becomesless taboo, and we can talk about it in a kind,
(09:45):
respectful, loving, transparent way.
Because it's also interesting that I've seenstudies that have shown that when it comes to
sex, like, even intimacy, even if, like,everything else with intimacy and connection is
going really well in partnership, that when itcomes to sex, that it's actually the
conversation around sex has been shown to be adirect threat to one's, like, identity and ego.
(10:10):
And what winds up happening is because it'salmost like this this primal survival type of
thing.
Right?
And so there's this primal survival impulse tobe a good lover, and that's there in part
because there's this primal impulse toprocreate.
Right?
And so it's why when people are havingchallenges here, it can just feel so
(10:33):
debilitating because there is this primalegoic, like, self preservation thing to to
procreation and to sex.
And so met much of the time when it comes tocon conversation around sex, it can be very,
very hard for people's egos to not get hurt orfor people not to react in a defensive way
(10:55):
because it's it actually can trigger their theprimalness of who we are as human beings.
And so when that happens, one of the problemswith that is there can be this emotional and
safety around sex because sometimes it can beas simple as like, oh, I wanna tell my partner
to touch me a little bit differently or to dothis a little differently.
(11:16):
But if there was a reactivity from the partnerwhen something was attempted because the
partner is trying to protect who they are as aperson, protect their ego, which is very
normal, not helpful.
Right?
But a normal thing to happen in many scenarios,we gotta work with that and make it the new
normal in the relationship not to have thatreactivity.
(11:38):
But when that happens, then it can create thisemotional feeling of not being safe and
especially not being safe with sex.
And there's a trickle down effect, of course,that can happen with that because as soon as we
become emotionally unsafe, well, then whatwinds up happening?
Then we don't feel safe to talk to our partnerabout our experience, about how to bring more
(12:00):
novelty and about how to bring more pleasureand about how to slow down around how to bring,
more foreplay in.
Like, all of that kinda goes off the tablebecause we don't feel safe.
Or it could be something else like maybe youvented about your day.
One partner vented about their day, and theother partner maybe didn't respond very well.
(12:21):
Now if you have watched any of my videos on thesex types, and if not, I definitely recommend
going back through some of the videos earlierthis month.
We talked about them a little bit.
If you watch any of the videos on the sextypes, one of the sex types that I talk about
is the emotive sex type.
Now that person is so stimulated by by by theiremotional body and sex.
(12:44):
So if anything is going on from, say, earlierthat day, earlier that week, earlier that
month, that has not been resolved withinpartnership, that person that is the emotive
emotive type is probably going to be very shutdown, and they won't have access to that
because, emotionally, there's this level of notfeeling safe.
So safety is a huge component of this as well.
(13:06):
And the next one that I would say that is justan important one to name as well is
communication, which is connected to all ofthese.
Right?
So communication, obviously, if we're not gonnafeel safe, then we're probably not gonna
communicate very well.
But a lot of communication has to be comingfrom putting you putting the partnerships back
(13:27):
on, like, on the same team.
Right?
So putting partnership back on the same teamwhere they have the same goal and they're
working for the for the goal.
And that the idea is to get the ego out of theway to realize that the point of this is that
we're on the same team, that nobody's doinganything wrong, that it's not about wrong
versus right.
It's about, hey.
(13:48):
Things can change.
Right?
And and one of the things that happens is a lotof people don't realize is sexual needs change
throughout life.
So people that are interested in, you know, onething in the beginning where this is the turn
on, that might not be true for the whole life.
Right?
Some people may way makeup will wake up andstart doing anal sex, and they had never been
(14:09):
interested in that.
Some people might be interested in bringing intoys, and they have never been interested in
that.
There's so many different ways that we canhave, like, even our touch and even positions
that feel good can actually change throughoutlife.
And so it's normal that we need to communicatebecause, commonly, we get stuck in our sexual
scripts.
Right?
Commonly, we get stuck in the script where wedo if we're in long term partnership, it's like
(14:34):
the same thing over and over and over.
Well, without that communication to say, like,yeah.
That thing was great, and and maybe you enjoyedit for years, you know, months, years, decades.
And all of a sudden, it's just not working foryou anymore.
Well, you want to tell your partner that.
Right?
You want to tell your partner that.
And so that communication without that egogetting in the way and that healthy
(14:58):
communication to say, okay.
This is working.
This is not.
Let's try this.
You know?
And bringing all of that in is an essentialthing.
And and communication, like, both, you know,during as well as before.
So during is always a tricky thing as far ascommunication for some people because depending
upon the partner, people might feel, like,disrupted or they might feel like it's, like, a
(15:21):
shocking thing for them, but some level ofcommunication can work very well.
So, you know, finding a way to communicatelike, okay.
Slow down.
Speed up.
Right there.
To the right.
To the left.
Let's change positions.
Right?
So we wanna create that level of safety andreally help to develop the type of
communication where the other person doesn'tfeel that that that self protection feeling
(15:45):
comes up when you guys are talking about sex.
And, like, anything, like, when it comes tocommunication around this, if you've never
really been, like, a sex communicator, right,if you've this is something that you haven't
talked to your partner about or maybe theconversation's been, you know, super
superficial where it's just like, okay.
Are we having sex tonight?
Okay.
Do you want sex?
Let's go.
Right?
(16:05):
So sometimes that that's the level ofconversation I hear.
But wherever you're at with it, one of the mostimportant things to realize is that this is a
in it's a skill, like anything else.
And so first several times, if you haven't beentalking about this, it might feel awkward.
You know?
It might not go perfectly.
Like, give yourself permission to mess up theconversation.
(16:26):
Like, it it it might not go perfectly, but thewhole point is that you're bringing this back
into conversation.
You're practicing it.
And you're if it doesn't go well, you know,talking to your partner after and say, like, I
really want to have these kind of conversationswith you.
It's really important.
And I wanna have them in a way that you knowhow much I appreciate you and love you and
(16:48):
value you and all that you provide for me, andI really wanna deepen our connection.
And this is my point.
And how can I how can we have theseconversations in a way that I can still
communicate this in a way that, you know, itcomes with the feeling of love and desire and
all of those things?
Right?
So we can preframe that as well.
(17:09):
So and I think the communication just needs tohappen more and more because there is still
this huge misunderstanding about females versusmen.
Right?
It's like it's like this whole thing of howfast the male erectile tissue gets engorged and
how long it takes for the female erective toerectile tissue to get engorged.
(17:32):
So so much of the time, there's, like, thispass that is taken from man to woman where,
like, okay, man's turned on and he's hard, andhe takes a pass of the woman, and the woman's
like, woah.
And it's because she needs twenty minutes forthat blood to get to that erectile tissue.
So just like a fast pass, she's not gonnaoftentimes be turned on at all.
(17:52):
She could be.
But much of the time when she's busy andoverwhelmed, when the man's ready to go, the
woman's like, needs twenty minutes of, like,slow touch and bringing her into her body and
massage and soft touch over her vulva and herbreasts and these sorts of things.
So communication is essential because we'remissing each other so much of the time.
(18:13):
So I would say those are really beyond thehormones.
The top three, I would say at this point, ispriority, safety, and communication.
And then, of course, within that, there's somany nuances, and there's so many other things
beyond these top three.
So I hope this has been helpful for you.
We're gonna go through all of this and more inmy four day jump start.
(18:35):
So make sure you sign up for that.
It's coming up real fast.
Again, get that discount code in the shownotes.
It is free this time around, but you do needthat discount code.
So thanks for listening.
Please do continue to send us all yourquestions, and I hope you have a very, very
happy New Year this year.
We're almost to the January now, but I hopeit's been a great month for you guys.
(18:58):
And my very best to you, reminding you to saystay sexy out there.
See you soon.
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus onall things love, lust, and libido.
We believe that fabulous sex is important tohealth as exercise and good food.
Hey, everybody.
(00:21):
Welcome back to another episode of The Lounge.
I am your host libido expert and boardcertified sexologist, doctor Diane.
In this particular episode, I want to talkabout a question that I get asked a lot in the
sexual health space, which is what is myopinion of the number one reason for low libido
(00:44):
or a low sex drive?
And this is probably also the most difficultquestion I get asked because one of the things
that I have really learned in fifteen years ofpracticing medicine is that when it comes to
chronic situations, I've never seen one rootcause.
So when we're talking about chronically low sexdrive, there's probably not gonna be just one
(01:06):
cause.
So what is the number one cause?
Well, it's it's a confusing thing.
Right?
Because there's part of me that really wants toanswer this with the most obvious thing,
hormones, because we do know that hormones areso important for a healthy sex drive.
I have a girlfriend that just got put onhormones, and she keeps texting me and telling
(01:28):
me how much fun she's having with her hormonesbecause of everything that she has no noticed
change.
And she's single and still has noticed that hersex drive has gone through the roof just with
some very low dose hormone replacement therapy.
So there's absolutely a huge, huge things tosay for hormones and the aging process of
(01:49):
hormones.
But I don't wanna leave it there so I have alot more to say, but I do wanna say a little
bit about hormones and the aging processbecause we do know that hormonal production for
women as well as men drops with age.
Right?
It does decline with age.
We see that men go through andropause.
It says women go through menopause.
(02:09):
And what do we do about that?
Well, it's interesting that some studies haveshown that we actually decrease the the
metabolism of testosterone as we age.
The testosterone will stay in our blood longer.
So as it's decreasing as we age, as the amountis decreasing, it tends to stay in the body
longer.
Now the decrease is due to the leydig cells ofthe testes not producing the same amount in men
(02:35):
as well as the ovaries and the adrenal glandsin women not producing as much in women.
And so when this happens, one of the mostimportant things to understand is that one
thing that slows down or, I should say, speedsup the aging and the drop in testosterone in
(02:57):
particular is oxidative stress.
So research and studies have shown that whenthe body has higher amounts of oxidative
stress, that that testosterone drop can happenfaster.
Now studies have been done more on men for thisthan women.
However, I suspect that it's very similar forwomen because when it comes to oxidative
(03:19):
stress, that's a mechanism that affects bothfemales and males in many ways.
So so what is oxidative stress?
Right?
You might be wondering, like, well, I've heardthis term or maybe you haven't, but what the
easiest way that I have found to explainoxidative stress is it's a chain reaction in
our body.
So are the molecules in our body all want tohave certain number of electrons, right,
(03:43):
certain number of of molecules attached tothem.
That makes them very stable.
Well, in an oxidative stress situation, we haveunstable molecules in the body that starts
stealing electrons off of other molecules.
And when that happens, when a molecule loses anelectron and gets stolen, then another they
will try to steal from another.
(04:04):
So all of these cells and all of theseenergetic functions in the body that are trying
to be stable so that the cell can work to itsultimate capacity are now not able to work to
their ultimate capacity because they're tryingto get their stability back.
So their focus changes from from something likeproducing testosterone to making itself stable
(04:26):
as a cell.
So oxidative stress are these chain likereactions that create that type of instability
in the body, and a free radical is basicallysomething that creates that that chain.
Now if you've heard of an antioxidant,antioxidants are things that can stop that
chain reaction, that can donate electronswithout hurting itself and put an end to that
(04:50):
stealing process in the body.
So that's the easiest way I found to reallyexplain that, and we see that that oxidative
mechanism in research can really impact thetestosterone levels and get that decline of
testosterone to happen at an earlier age.
This is one of so many reasons to takeantioxidants.
This is one of so many reasons to avoid thingsin your diet that have been shown to cause
(05:14):
oxidative stress such as the industrial seedoils like safflower and sunflower and peanut
and canola and soy.
Get those things out.
They cause a lot of oxidative stress in thebody and can lead to these chain like reactions
I'm I'm talking about that could potentiallythen impact a earlier testosterone drop in
(05:35):
humans as as we age.
So, yes, like the story I told you about myfriend, like, testosterone and estrogen are
essential for, you know, for libido.
But then there's the other side of things thata lot of people make their way into my world
when they have been working with a great doctorfor years and they're on HRT and a lot of their
(05:58):
symptoms are getting better, but yet the libidois not there.
Right?
And this is actually very, very common, whichis why I have a hard time saying that
testosterone is or that that hormones are,like, number one thing because so while they're
so essential, there's also so many times thatthey get fixed and the libido doesn't turn back
on.
(06:19):
So I wanna remind you guys before I go on thathere coming up in just a couple weeks, the
February, I have my four day to better sex jumpstart.
So it's four days.
We have a a deep dive into what you need to doto start having better sex, better intimacy,
and getting back into novelty and play andpleasure and feeling good and orgasms and
(06:43):
connection and love and partnership and allthose juicy, yummy things, that is coming up at
the February.
And right now, I am giving it away as my giftto you guys for free.
So this is part of my, you know, New Year, newPleasure You type of, offering for you guys.
So make sure you sign up for that.
(07:04):
You don't wanna miss out.
There is a coupon code as well to bring it downto $0, so make sure you copy that coupon code
as well.
All of that's gonna be in your show notes foryou, but I do really encourage you to show up.
It's four days.
There'll be live calls with me every day, a tonof prerecorded videos and material for you as
well.
And that's our goal is to really jump startyour libido and jump start your sex life in
(07:28):
just four days.
So, make sure you sign up for that.
Okay.
So on to the next portion of this.
Right?
On to the the the topic of, well, what then ifit's not just hormones, what is what are the
the top reasons for a low libido?
So like I said, like, bringing this to oneanswer is very difficult for me just because I
(07:53):
just don't see medicine that way.
And I think there is it's gonna depend upon theindividual, but I can come up with beyond
hormones.
I can come up with three that I would say putat the top of the tier, but there's so many
other things here.
And we're gonna cover all of these and more andwhat to do about them in that jump start as
well, in that four day jump start.
(08:14):
So one, I would say is priority.
And when I talk to other sexologists aboutthis, priority is the one that seems to be most
agreed upon at least in the people I havetalked to across the board around sex and
around libido is that so much of the time, itdoesn't become a priority.
Right?
It's like this afterthought, and we try to fitit in at 10:30 at night when we're exhausted.
(08:37):
Right?
We try to fit it in.
Maybe when there's kids banging on their door,you're thinking about work, and it's just
there's just, like, hardly any time or energyto put into pleasure.
So one I would say is, like, is that priority,right, of actually making this a huge priority
in your life is pretty essential.
Secondly, I would say is the the component ofsafety.
(08:59):
And safety, I mean, like, obviously, physicalsafety.
Right?
We all obviously have to feel physically safearound our partner, or there's a whole another
problem there.
But I'm also talking about emotional safety.
And emotional safety can be things that are,like if you're feeling emotionally unsafe, it
could be, like, big things like a lot ofoutburst and a lot of yelling and fighting and
(09:20):
those types of things can definitely lead toemotional unsafety, but it can be as simple as
just not feeling safe to bring up theconversation of, like, sex or of what you want
and how to talk about that.
That's one of the reasons I'm doing this workis because I'm what I'm working to do is to
create a space where this taboo topic becomesless taboo, and we can talk about it in a kind,
(09:45):
respectful, loving, transparent way.
Because it's also interesting that I've seenstudies that have shown that when it comes to
sex, like, even intimacy, even if, like,everything else with intimacy and connection is
going really well in partnership, that when itcomes to sex, that it's actually the
conversation around sex has been shown to be adirect threat to one's, like, identity and ego.
(10:10):
And what winds up happening is because it'salmost like this this primal survival type of
thing.
Right?
And so there's this primal survival impulse tobe a good lover, and that's there in part
because there's this primal impulse toprocreate.
Right?
And so it's why when people are havingchallenges here, it can just feel so
(10:33):
debilitating because there is this primalegoic, like, self preservation thing to to
procreation and to sex.
And so met much of the time when it comes tocon conversation around sex, it can be very,
very hard for people's egos to not get hurt orfor people not to react in a defensive way
(10:55):
because it's it actually can trigger their theprimalness of who we are as human beings.
And so when that happens, one of the problemswith that is there can be this emotional and
safety around sex because sometimes it can beas simple as like, oh, I wanna tell my partner
to touch me a little bit differently or to dothis a little differently.
(11:16):
But if there was a reactivity from the partnerwhen something was attempted because the
partner is trying to protect who they are as aperson, protect their ego, which is very
normal, not helpful.
Right?
But a normal thing to happen in many scenarios,we gotta work with that and make it the new
normal in the relationship not to have thatreactivity.
(11:38):
But when that happens, then it can create thisemotional feeling of not being safe and
especially not being safe with sex.
And there's a trickle down effect, of course,that can happen with that because as soon as we
become emotionally unsafe, well, then whatwinds up happening?
Then we don't feel safe to talk to our partnerabout our experience, about how to bring more
(12:00):
novelty and about how to bring more pleasureand about how to slow down around how to bring,
more foreplay in.
Like, all of that kinda goes off the tablebecause we don't feel safe.
Or it could be something else like maybe youvented about your day.
One partner vented about their day, and theother partner maybe didn't respond very well.
(12:21):
Now if you have watched any of my videos on thesex types, and if not, I definitely recommend
going back through some of the videos earlierthis month.
We talked about them a little bit.
If you watch any of the videos on the sextypes, one of the sex types that I talk about
is the emotive sex type.
Now that person is so stimulated by by by theiremotional body and sex.
(12:44):
So if anything is going on from, say, earlierthat day, earlier that week, earlier that
month, that has not been resolved withinpartnership, that person that is the emotive
emotive type is probably going to be very shutdown, and they won't have access to that
because, emotionally, there's this level of notfeeling safe.
So safety is a huge component of this as well.
(13:06):
And the next one that I would say that is justan important one to name as well is
communication, which is connected to all ofthese.
Right?
So communication, obviously, if we're not gonnafeel safe, then we're probably not gonna
communicate very well.
But a lot of communication has to be comingfrom putting you putting the partnerships back
(13:27):
on, like, on the same team.
Right?
So putting partnership back on the same teamwhere they have the same goal and they're
working for the for the goal.
And that the idea is to get the ego out of theway to realize that the point of this is that
we're on the same team, that nobody's doinganything wrong, that it's not about wrong
versus right.
It's about, hey.
(13:48):
Things can change.
Right?
And and one of the things that happens is a lotof people don't realize is sexual needs change
throughout life.
So people that are interested in, you know, onething in the beginning where this is the turn
on, that might not be true for the whole life.
Right?
Some people may way makeup will wake up andstart doing anal sex, and they had never been
(14:09):
interested in that.
Some people might be interested in bringing intoys, and they have never been interested in
that.
There's so many different ways that we canhave, like, even our touch and even positions
that feel good can actually change throughoutlife.
And so it's normal that we need to communicatebecause, commonly, we get stuck in our sexual
scripts.
Right?
Commonly, we get stuck in the script where wedo if we're in long term partnership, it's like
(14:34):
the same thing over and over and over.
Well, without that communication to say, like,yeah.
That thing was great, and and maybe you enjoyedit for years, you know, months, years, decades.
And all of a sudden, it's just not working foryou anymore.
Well, you want to tell your partner that.
Right?
You want to tell your partner that.
And so that communication without that egogetting in the way and that healthy
(14:58):
communication to say, okay.
This is working.
This is not.
Let's try this.
You know?
And bringing all of that in is an essentialthing.
And and communication, like, both, you know,during as well as before.
So during is always a tricky thing as far ascommunication for some people because depending
upon the partner, people might feel, like,disrupted or they might feel like it's, like, a
(15:21):
shocking thing for them, but some level ofcommunication can work very well.
So, you know, finding a way to communicatelike, okay.
Slow down.
Speed up.
Right there.
To the right.
To the left.
Let's change positions.
Right?
So we wanna create that level of safety andreally help to develop the type of
communication where the other person doesn'tfeel that that that self protection feeling
(15:45):
comes up when you guys are talking about sex.
And, like, anything, like, when it comes tocommunication around this, if you've never
really been, like, a sex communicator, right,if you've this is something that you haven't
talked to your partner about or maybe theconversation's been, you know, super
superficial where it's just like, okay.
Are we having sex tonight?
Okay.
Do you want sex?
Let's go.
Right?
(16:05):
So sometimes that that's the level ofconversation I hear.
But wherever you're at with it, one of the mostimportant things to realize is that this is a
in it's a skill, like anything else.
And so first several times, if you haven't beentalking about this, it might feel awkward.
You know?
It might not go perfectly.
Like, give yourself permission to mess up theconversation.
(16:26):
Like, it it it might not go perfectly, but thewhole point is that you're bringing this back
into conversation.
You're practicing it.
And you're if it doesn't go well, you know,talking to your partner after and say, like, I
really want to have these kind of conversationswith you.
It's really important.
And I wanna have them in a way that you knowhow much I appreciate you and love you and
(16:48):
value you and all that you provide for me, andI really wanna deepen our connection.
And this is my point.
And how can I how can we have theseconversations in a way that I can still
communicate this in a way that, you know, itcomes with the feeling of love and desire and
all of those things?
Right?
So we can preframe that as well.
(17:09):
So and I think the communication just needs tohappen more and more because there is still
this huge misunderstanding about females versusmen.
Right?
It's like it's like this whole thing of howfast the male erectile tissue gets engorged and
how long it takes for the female erective toerectile tissue to get engorged.
(17:32):
So so much of the time, there's, like, thispass that is taken from man to woman where,
like, okay, man's turned on and he's hard, andhe takes a pass of the woman, and the woman's
like, woah.
And it's because she needs twenty minutes forthat blood to get to that erectile tissue.
So just like a fast pass, she's not gonnaoftentimes be turned on at all.
(17:52):
She could be.
But much of the time when she's busy andoverwhelmed, when the man's ready to go, the
woman's like, needs twenty minutes of, like,slow touch and bringing her into her body and
massage and soft touch over her vulva and herbreasts and these sorts of things.
So communication is essential because we'remissing each other so much of the time.
(18:13):
So I would say those are really beyond thehormones.
The top three, I would say at this point, ispriority, safety, and communication.
And then, of course, within that, there's somany nuances, and there's so many other things
beyond these top three.
So I hope this has been helpful for you.
We're gonna go through all of this and more inmy four day jump start.
(18:35):
So make sure you sign up for that.
It's coming up real fast.
Again, get that discount code in the shownotes.
It is free this time around, but you do needthat discount code.
So thanks for listening.
Please do continue to send us all yourquestions, and I hope you have a very, very
happy New Year this year.
We're almost to the January now, but I hopeit's been a great month for you guys.
(18:58):
And my very best to you, reminding you to saystay sexy out there.
See you soon.
Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
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