February 3, 2025 • 15 mins
We’ve just dropped a new episode that you don't want to miss! This time, our expert, Dr. Diane, dives deep into Why Communication with Sex is Hard. If you’ve ever wondered why talking about sex can be so challenging, this episode has got the answers you need. 🧐
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the libido lounge.
We focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
We believe that fabulous sex is important tohealth as exercise and good food.
Why is talking about sex so difficult so muchof the time?
(00:24):
That's what we're talking about today on thelibido lounge.
I'm your libido expert, board certifiedsexologist, doctor Diane, and welcome back to
my channel.
So it's pretty interesting when I look atstudies on conflict, on communication and
conflict.
And there's three big threats that come up whencouples are trying to solve something.
(00:50):
One is a threat to the one individual.
The second threat is a threat to your partner,and the third is a threat to the relationship.
So what's interesting is that when it comes toconversations and communication around sex,
while in other types of communication, thethree threats, threat to self, threat to
(01:13):
partner, threat to relationship, are all prettyequal.
When it comes to sex and talking about sex, thethere's one of these three threats that has a
bigger, say, impact and is a bigger threat tothan the others.
So out of these three, the biggest threat tendsto be the threat to self.
(01:36):
So that's really interesting.
Right?
And and perhaps there is some sort ofbiological of, say, evolutionary reason for
this.
Perhaps it's due to this primal, say, deeprooted animalistic part of ourselves as humans
are in in the animal kingdom.
So perhaps there is this animalistic part ofourselves that really just knows that this
(02:00):
particular function is inherent to survival.
So if this function if sexuality is not workingor we feel like we're made to feel like we're
doing something wrong or we're not doing itright, it could perhaps be triggering that very
core of our primal survival and procreationpractice as as humans.
(02:25):
Obviously, sex is way more than justprocreation.
Obviously, it's fun and connection and love andoxytocin and resetting and so many other
things.
But from a primal's perspective, there is thisprocreation, say, survival of the species'
instinct as being an animal.
Regardless, however, in my opinion, this threatto self is a really important finding in
(02:51):
research studies because this explains why somany times a conversation with a partner can
look something like you bring up somethingaround sexuality, and you try to make a change,
and the other person gets offended.
They get either anxious.
They get avoidant.
They get with withdrawn, dismissive, maybe evenangry, defensive.
(03:13):
Right?
There's all of these emotions that can come upbecause what's happening, there can be this
core threat to who one is and what one is ableto provide in the world both for themselves and
for their partner and for the relationship.
So because of that, the conversations aroundsex oftentimes need to be handled in many ways
(03:35):
with more care than and then other types ofconversations.
And, of course, all conversations should behandled with care, but there is a bigger threat
sometimes with these types of conversations aswe see in studies.
So I'm gonna put a couple studies in theresources, information.
So if you guys are interested in any of this,you can certainly check this out yourself.
(03:59):
So I really feel then that one of the mostimportant things we do is we realize we go into
these conversations around sex and if we'recommunicating with our partner.
And, frankly, to have great sex, you have togenerally communicate with your partner.
And whether that's great night sex for a smallmoment in time with somebody or great sex for a
(04:21):
lifetime with somebody, no matter what it is,the more we can communicate, the better it
tends to be.
Because as it turns out, nobody can read ourmind.
And it's such a, you know, big and gravemistake to think that a partner, that a lover
is just gonna automatically read our mind toknow exactly what we want at any point in time.
(04:42):
You know, I think so many times movies and TVshows are they almost portray, like, that's
what's supposed to happen, but that's not, youknow, realistic.
So in order to have great sex, we have to havegreat communication around sex.
So how do we do this?
Well, remember going into any of theseconversations, we really wanna remember this
(05:03):
this potential threat to the self.
Because this potential threat to the self meansthat if I'm bringing a conversation up to my
partner and I wanna change something, I wannarequest something to be done different, that my
partner might get triggered by this threat tooneself.
And so we can go into conversations, and werealize that.
First of all, just even the knowing can changethe approach.
(05:26):
Secondly, the way that these kinda kindaconversations tend to do the best is when we
are focusing not on making anybody wrong, notthat anybody is doing something wrong.
This doesn't mean that you can't, like, askquestions or explain that something is not as
enjoyable to you as maybe it it used to be, butgoing into a conversation more from, like, a
(05:49):
curiosity standpoint and then not a blamingstandpoint.
Because another thing that I find withsexuality is people's preferences change
throughout life.
So you might find that at one point in yoursexual history, you might have enjoyed one way
of kissing, of hugging, of making love.
You might have enjoyed toys or anal orsomething else.
(06:11):
And another period in your life, you might not.
Right?
So it's very normal for these things to changethroughout our lives.
And so just even understanding that can reallyhelp navigate these conversations as well
because it can be confusing, right, if you'vemaybe been having sex in a certain way for
twenty or thirty years, and then you bring toyour partner that you don't really wanna do it
(06:35):
that way anymore.
And it's like, well, have you been spendingtwenty or thirty years hating it?
Right?
So we wanna be careful because you can see howin a situation like that, words can get twisted
around so easily.
So going into conversations and talking aboutthings like, you know, things that you love,
things that are working really well, bringingup even and naming that, you know, you've you
(06:59):
just enjoy your sex life and you really feellike your preferences have changed.
It's another great approach if you wantsomething to be different.
Like, you know, this has been great, and, like,I'm just finding that these things that were
working and they've been working for so long.
Like, all of a sudden, they're not asinteresting to me anymore.
Right?
So to have these kind of conversations whereyou're almost explaining the change and why
(07:22):
there's a change and not making it about thatother person can be huge.
Now we have to talk.
Right?
To have great sex, we have to talk about thingswe don't like.
But the if we really are protecting the threatto self and we go at the conversation around
things we don't like and instead be thinkingabout, okay.
(07:44):
Well, what are the favorite things that I dolike, and how can I have a conversation to get
more of these things?
Sometimes when we just focus so much on all thethings we do like and that we want more of and
give suggestions, there just becomes not a lotof space in the sexual activity for those
things that you don't like as much anymore.
(08:05):
So sometimes they can just fall away on theirown.
Other times, we do need to more directly namethem, but we wanna name them in a way, again,
that is not gonna threaten that other person.
You know, I think the same thing comes up whenpeople bring in sex toys, and sex toys have
been shown to really help so many couples andhelp with pelvic pain in women, help with
(08:27):
prostate health in men, can help reach orgasmmore easily for women.
It can help heal tissue.
It can help bring more, say, feeling andsensation to tissue that's gone numb, and they
can just add in long term monogamousrelationships.
Adding in a toy or two or seven or eight canreally help to bring a novelty back.
(08:50):
Right?
But it's common.
One of the common things I've heard from peoplewhen from especially from women if they're
interested in bringing this in.
And most commonly, I've seen it go this waywhere it's women interested in bringing a toy
and then her male partner feels threatened.
Of course, you know, that arrangement can looklots of different ways.
But one of the things that I think is isconcerning that people bring up, right, is,
(09:13):
like, is this vibrator going to replace me?
Am I not good enough?
Is it going to overstimulate you, and nowyou're never going to be able to just enjoy
just me?
Right?
These are common concerns.
You can see in all those concerns, if we rootit back, there's that threat to self of, like,
oh my gosh.
Am I gonna be replaced?
(09:34):
Am I not good enough?
Do you not like this enough with me?
Right?
That's all that threat to self is is comes up.
So anytime we bring things up, again, we wannaremember that threat to self is going to be
perhaps at the forefront of the conversation.
So, you know, really looking and leaning intothings, like like, for people that are trying
(09:54):
to bring toys into their partnership and havingsome sort of resistance, it's good to ask why,
you know, where that resistance is.
And it's also good to go into theseconversations and explain and take this off the
table.
Like, this is not to replace you.
This is not something that we're even sayingthat we're gonna use all the time.
This is not saying and just, like, you know,kinda quell some of those fears.
(10:17):
And I love coming back to research because Ifind that data is amazing for helping people
understand.
So understanding that twelve weeks of vibratoruse had at three times a week has a five times
reduction in pelvic pain in women.
Right?
That we see numbness come back, like, thefeeling I mean, numbness go away.
(10:40):
Like, the the feeling come back when we'reusing vibrators.
Right?
So there's, like, these health benefits thatwe're now seeing with some of these vibrator
use.
And, also, a lot of times, especially with age,just like for men, it's very, very common with
age to go through erectile dysfunction, andthere's tons of stuff we can do for that.
(11:01):
With women, it's very common to lose sensationand feeling.
And one of the things that can help women themost with maintaining healthy orgasms and
maintaining feeling in their vaginas and vulvasand their clitoral structures is to use a
vibrator because it can help to send that bloodflow.
It can help to reengage the nervous system tothe tissue, and it can actually then translate
(11:26):
into better penile sex with a male partner.
So all of these things, when you understandthese things that it's, like, really to
enhance, And we're training our partner thisand really coming back to, hey.
This is not a threat to that self.
Right?
That the core so the more we can get on thesame team with the core desire is to grow
(11:47):
closer or to have better sex with your partner,to be more intimate, whatever it is.
And, usually, I find too that once couples, ifthey are debating about something like vibrator
use, once they're over that hump and once a aman in a hetero relationship, once a man is
able to see what a vibrator can do to enhancefemale pleasure that he still gets to provide,
(12:13):
right, that he still gets to be part of, thatit actually can, take away so much of this fear
because the level of enjoyment and the level oforgasm and the level of sensation can go up so
much for the woman.
So, again, I just wanted to do this podcast onthis topic because I think it the communication
is just the most essential thing and reallycoming back to just making sure that threat to
(12:37):
self is not a problem is is, I think, the mostimportant thing in this conversation.
So I do also wanna invite you here in just afew days is my four day to better sex jump
start.
So I'm offering this as my twenty twenty fiveNew Year's gift for everybody totally for free.
(12:57):
So make sure you join because I don't know ifI'm doing this again totally for free.
So make sure you join.
Make sure you use that coupon code.
And in just four days, we're gonna go throughthe top things you need to do to have better
sex.
So you are gonna be equipped for having some ofthe best sex of your life in just four days.
That's what we're gonna be working on.
I hope you will join me.
(13:18):
There's tons of prizes we're giving away andbonuses and free entry to some of my courses
and paid workshops.
So I hope to see you guys there.
Again, it's totally for free.
Please go down into the show notes here to grabthe link and the coupon code to do that.
Please do show show up live if you registerbecause we are doing actionable things.
(13:39):
One of my core values is efficiency.
So in all my teachings, what I'm always workingto do is make it actionable in real time.
So we're gonna start to put into place some ofthe the processes to have better sex and some
of the plan around it right during our timetogether because action is when things get
done, action is when things change.
So please show up live so you get the most outof it.
(14:02):
So, again, that's starting here next week.
So please do, sign up right away.
If you are watching this after long after thefact, if you have found this podcast long after
the challenge is done, please also, check outsome of my freebies and my free resources that
I do offer, and I'll put that link in the shownotes for you guys as well in case you're
catching this later.
(14:22):
Alright, everybody.
Thanks again for another episode of the lounge.
Keep me posted on your communication and how Ican support on your communication in the world.
And always remember, you are sexy.
You are beautiful.
Stay sexy.
Stay classy.
We'll see you another time.
(14:42):
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me @mylibidodoc.com.
Welcome to the libido lounge.
We focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
We believe that fabulous sex is important tohealth as exercise and good food.
Why is talking about sex so difficult so muchof the time?
(00:24):
That's what we're talking about today on thelibido lounge.
I'm your libido expert, board certifiedsexologist, doctor Diane, and welcome back to
my channel.
So it's pretty interesting when I look atstudies on conflict, on communication and
conflict.
And there's three big threats that come up whencouples are trying to solve something.
(00:50):
One is a threat to the one individual.
The second threat is a threat to your partner,and the third is a threat to the relationship.
So what's interesting is that when it comes toconversations and communication around sex,
while in other types of communication, thethree threats, threat to self, threat to
(01:13):
partner, threat to relationship, are all prettyequal.
When it comes to sex and talking about sex, thethere's one of these three threats that has a
bigger, say, impact and is a bigger threat tothan the others.
So out of these three, the biggest threat tendsto be the threat to self.
(01:36):
So that's really interesting.
Right?
And and perhaps there is some sort ofbiological of, say, evolutionary reason for
this.
Perhaps it's due to this primal, say, deeprooted animalistic part of ourselves as humans
are in in the animal kingdom.
So perhaps there is this animalistic part ofourselves that really just knows that this
(02:00):
particular function is inherent to survival.
So if this function if sexuality is not workingor we feel like we're made to feel like we're
doing something wrong or we're not doing itright, it could perhaps be triggering that very
core of our primal survival and procreationpractice as as humans.
(02:25):
Obviously, sex is way more than justprocreation.
Obviously, it's fun and connection and love andoxytocin and resetting and so many other
things.
But from a primal's perspective, there is thisprocreation, say, survival of the species'
instinct as being an animal.
Regardless, however, in my opinion, this threatto self is a really important finding in
(02:51):
research studies because this explains why somany times a conversation with a partner can
look something like you bring up somethingaround sexuality, and you try to make a change,
and the other person gets offended.
They get either anxious.
They get avoidant.
They get with withdrawn, dismissive, maybe evenangry, defensive.
(03:13):
Right?
There's all of these emotions that can come upbecause what's happening, there can be this
core threat to who one is and what one is ableto provide in the world both for themselves and
for their partner and for the relationship.
So because of that, the conversations aroundsex oftentimes need to be handled in many ways
(03:35):
with more care than and then other types ofconversations.
And, of course, all conversations should behandled with care, but there is a bigger threat
sometimes with these types of conversations aswe see in studies.
So I'm gonna put a couple studies in theresources, information.
So if you guys are interested in any of this,you can certainly check this out yourself.
(03:59):
So I really feel then that one of the mostimportant things we do is we realize we go into
these conversations around sex and if we'recommunicating with our partner.
And, frankly, to have great sex, you have togenerally communicate with your partner.
And whether that's great night sex for a smallmoment in time with somebody or great sex for a
(04:21):
lifetime with somebody, no matter what it is,the more we can communicate, the better it
tends to be.
Because as it turns out, nobody can read ourmind.
And it's such a, you know, big and gravemistake to think that a partner, that a lover
is just gonna automatically read our mind toknow exactly what we want at any point in time.
(04:42):
You know, I think so many times movies and TVshows are they almost portray, like, that's
what's supposed to happen, but that's not, youknow, realistic.
So in order to have great sex, we have to havegreat communication around sex.
So how do we do this?
Well, remember going into any of theseconversations, we really wanna remember this
(05:03):
this potential threat to the self.
Because this potential threat to the self meansthat if I'm bringing a conversation up to my
partner and I wanna change something, I wannarequest something to be done different, that my
partner might get triggered by this threat tooneself.
And so we can go into conversations, and werealize that.
First of all, just even the knowing can changethe approach.
(05:26):
Secondly, the way that these kinda kindaconversations tend to do the best is when we
are focusing not on making anybody wrong, notthat anybody is doing something wrong.
This doesn't mean that you can't, like, askquestions or explain that something is not as
enjoyable to you as maybe it it used to be, butgoing into a conversation more from, like, a
(05:49):
curiosity standpoint and then not a blamingstandpoint.
Because another thing that I find withsexuality is people's preferences change
throughout life.
So you might find that at one point in yoursexual history, you might have enjoyed one way
of kissing, of hugging, of making love.
You might have enjoyed toys or anal orsomething else.
(06:11):
And another period in your life, you might not.
Right?
So it's very normal for these things to changethroughout our lives.
And so just even understanding that can reallyhelp navigate these conversations as well
because it can be confusing, right, if you'vemaybe been having sex in a certain way for
twenty or thirty years, and then you bring toyour partner that you don't really wanna do it
(06:35):
that way anymore.
And it's like, well, have you been spendingtwenty or thirty years hating it?
Right?
So we wanna be careful because you can see howin a situation like that, words can get twisted
around so easily.
So going into conversations and talking aboutthings like, you know, things that you love,
things that are working really well, bringingup even and naming that, you know, you've you
(06:59):
just enjoy your sex life and you really feellike your preferences have changed.
It's another great approach if you wantsomething to be different.
Like, you know, this has been great, and, like,I'm just finding that these things that were
working and they've been working for so long.
Like, all of a sudden, they're not asinteresting to me anymore.
Right?
So to have these kind of conversations whereyou're almost explaining the change and why
(07:22):
there's a change and not making it about thatother person can be huge.
Now we have to talk.
Right?
To have great sex, we have to talk about thingswe don't like.
But the if we really are protecting the threatto self and we go at the conversation around
things we don't like and instead be thinkingabout, okay.
(07:44):
Well, what are the favorite things that I dolike, and how can I have a conversation to get
more of these things?
Sometimes when we just focus so much on all thethings we do like and that we want more of and
give suggestions, there just becomes not a lotof space in the sexual activity for those
things that you don't like as much anymore.
(08:05):
So sometimes they can just fall away on theirown.
Other times, we do need to more directly namethem, but we wanna name them in a way, again,
that is not gonna threaten that other person.
You know, I think the same thing comes up whenpeople bring in sex toys, and sex toys have
been shown to really help so many couples andhelp with pelvic pain in women, help with
(08:27):
prostate health in men, can help reach orgasmmore easily for women.
It can help heal tissue.
It can help bring more, say, feeling andsensation to tissue that's gone numb, and they
can just add in long term monogamousrelationships.
Adding in a toy or two or seven or eight canreally help to bring a novelty back.
(08:50):
Right?
But it's common.
One of the common things I've heard from peoplewhen from especially from women if they're
interested in bringing this in.
And most commonly, I've seen it go this waywhere it's women interested in bringing a toy
and then her male partner feels threatened.
Of course, you know, that arrangement can looklots of different ways.
But one of the things that I think is isconcerning that people bring up, right, is,
(09:13):
like, is this vibrator going to replace me?
Am I not good enough?
Is it going to overstimulate you, and nowyou're never going to be able to just enjoy
just me?
Right?
These are common concerns.
You can see in all those concerns, if we rootit back, there's that threat to self of, like,
oh my gosh.
Am I gonna be replaced?
(09:34):
Am I not good enough?
Do you not like this enough with me?
Right?
That's all that threat to self is is comes up.
So anytime we bring things up, again, we wannaremember that threat to self is going to be
perhaps at the forefront of the conversation.
So, you know, really looking and leaning intothings, like like, for people that are trying
(09:54):
to bring toys into their partnership and havingsome sort of resistance, it's good to ask why,
you know, where that resistance is.
And it's also good to go into theseconversations and explain and take this off the
table.
Like, this is not to replace you.
This is not something that we're even sayingthat we're gonna use all the time.
This is not saying and just, like, you know,kinda quell some of those fears.
(10:17):
And I love coming back to research because Ifind that data is amazing for helping people
understand.
So understanding that twelve weeks of vibratoruse had at three times a week has a five times
reduction in pelvic pain in women.
Right?
That we see numbness come back, like, thefeeling I mean, numbness go away.
(10:40):
Like, the the feeling come back when we'reusing vibrators.
Right?
So there's, like, these health benefits thatwe're now seeing with some of these vibrator
use.
And, also, a lot of times, especially with age,just like for men, it's very, very common with
age to go through erectile dysfunction, andthere's tons of stuff we can do for that.
(11:01):
With women, it's very common to lose sensationand feeling.
And one of the things that can help women themost with maintaining healthy orgasms and
maintaining feeling in their vaginas and vulvasand their clitoral structures is to use a
vibrator because it can help to send that bloodflow.
It can help to reengage the nervous system tothe tissue, and it can actually then translate
(11:26):
into better penile sex with a male partner.
So all of these things, when you understandthese things that it's, like, really to
enhance, And we're training our partner thisand really coming back to, hey.
This is not a threat to that self.
Right?
That the core so the more we can get on thesame team with the core desire is to grow
(11:47):
closer or to have better sex with your partner,to be more intimate, whatever it is.
And, usually, I find too that once couples, ifthey are debating about something like vibrator
use, once they're over that hump and once a aman in a hetero relationship, once a man is
able to see what a vibrator can do to enhancefemale pleasure that he still gets to provide,
(12:13):
right, that he still gets to be part of, thatit actually can, take away so much of this fear
because the level of enjoyment and the level oforgasm and the level of sensation can go up so
much for the woman.
So, again, I just wanted to do this podcast onthis topic because I think it the communication
is just the most essential thing and reallycoming back to just making sure that threat to
(12:37):
self is not a problem is is, I think, the mostimportant thing in this conversation.
So I do also wanna invite you here in just afew days is my four day to better sex jump
start.
So I'm offering this as my twenty twenty fiveNew Year's gift for everybody totally for free.
(12:57):
So make sure you join because I don't know ifI'm doing this again totally for free.
So make sure you join.
Make sure you use that coupon code.
And in just four days, we're gonna go throughthe top things you need to do to have better
sex.
So you are gonna be equipped for having some ofthe best sex of your life in just four days.
That's what we're gonna be working on.
I hope you will join me.
(13:18):
There's tons of prizes we're giving away andbonuses and free entry to some of my courses
and paid workshops.
So I hope to see you guys there.
Again, it's totally for free.
Please go down into the show notes here to grabthe link and the coupon code to do that.
Please do show show up live if you registerbecause we are doing actionable things.
(13:39):
One of my core values is efficiency.
So in all my teachings, what I'm always workingto do is make it actionable in real time.
So we're gonna start to put into place some ofthe the processes to have better sex and some
of the plan around it right during our timetogether because action is when things get
done, action is when things change.
So please show up live so you get the most outof it.
(14:02):
So, again, that's starting here next week.
So please do, sign up right away.
If you are watching this after long after thefact, if you have found this podcast long after
the challenge is done, please also, check outsome of my freebies and my free resources that
I do offer, and I'll put that link in the shownotes for you guys as well in case you're
catching this later.
(14:22):
Alright, everybody.
Thanks again for another episode of the lounge.
Keep me posted on your communication and how Ican support on your communication in the world.
And always remember, you are sexy.
You are beautiful.
Stay sexy.
Stay classy.
We'll see you another time.
(14:42):
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me @mylibidodoc.com.
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