July 31, 2025 • 27 mins
In today's society, we often hear that intimacy is dying in relationships, but what's really behind this decline? Is it the rise of social media, the increase in screen time, or something much deeper? In this video, we'll explore the often-overlooked reasons why intimacy is fading in modern relationships and what we can do to revive it. From communication breakdowns to unrealistic expectations, we'll dive into the real factors eroding intimacy and provide practical tips on how to strengthen your connection with your partner. If you're ready to reignite the spark in your relationship, watch until the end to discover the surprising truth about what's really undermining intimacy.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:09):
The overwhelm of the demands in our westernmodern society.
Career, kiss, house, how do I have time and allof that.
But there's like this awkwardness, that firstkiss when you were just dating.
This almost like fear and
Care, respect, generosity of spirits, thefoundation of healthy societies.
(00:42):
Start slowly.
Start with a fifteen minute walk.
Build up.
We need to move.
We are sexual beings, and you wanna experiencetotal well-being?
Orgasms like fireworks, like a physiologicalexplosion of light and pleasure.
Why would you not want to do that?
(01:05):
Hey, everybody.
Quick break at our episode to talk to you aboutour sponsor, My Libido Doc.
One of the things that we truly believe is thatgreat sex is available to everyone, but we just
have to learn how.
So head over to our site to get your free copyof our e book, Five Steps to Mind Blowing
(01:28):
Orgasms and Romance.
Get the quick and easy tips to turn your sexlife around, rev up your engines, and fall in
deeper love and passion with yourself and yourpartner.
So if you just go to mysexdoc.com, you willfind that e book there for download.
Now back to our show.
(01:50):
Hey everybody.
Hey club members.
I'm so excited to bring another guest to you.
This is relationship expert counselor,relationship coach Laura Howe.
Out of The UK, she does do international workthough, so for all of you that are club members
around the world, you can definitely reach outto Laura if you like everything that she says
(02:12):
today.
We are gonna talk about some cool stuff today.
We're gonna talk about some of her work and herresearch, what are really the keys to a
lifelong happy marriage, and how to rip theBand Aid off, how to go for it if you've been
kind of out, if you've joined the club andyou're, like, really out of the practice of
being intimate with your partner.
You join the club to start having sex again,and you're just like, how do we be in to rip
(02:35):
the band aid off and go for it?
So thank you, Laura, for being with me onanother episode.
Thank you for having me.
It is my pleasure.
Let's jump right in.
So let's talk a little bit about keys to followfor lifelong happy marriage.
So what are some of the foundational thingswith, you know, with intimacy and otherwise, I
(02:56):
should say with sexual intimacy and otherwise,what are some of the things that you 've seen
that are like, these are the the things thatare just essential to follow for happy long
term love and success in that?
That's a great question.
So I would I would start with with things likecare and respect, the the kind of generosity of
(03:23):
spirit.
So you kind of want to think about about morethan whether your partner is good to you.
You want to be thinking as much, at least,about whether you are a good partner, you know?
And I think that we've perhaps gone a littletoo far towards the taking care of myself.
(03:51):
You know, everybody's talking about self careand I'm an advocate of self care.
It's not that I'm smashing or damning selfcare.
Obviously, self care is important.
But I think perhaps people don't think quiteenough about whether they are a good partner.
You know, I think the best relationships arebuilt upon trust, and honor.
(04:16):
You know, you want to think about whether thethe actions that you take, lead your partner to
feel safe and seen and secure and valued, youknow?
So I think how we live, how we behave reallymatters.
I think that you want to be you want to beattractive to your partner, you know?
(04:41):
So so you need to take care of yourselfphysically.
You need to take care of yourself emotionally.
You need to ideally be growing as anindividual.
If you want your relationship to stand the testof time, you are continuously of interest.
(05:05):
That of course comes with people who aregrowing.
If you're both on a continuously mutual growthjourney, you stand a much greater chance of
remaining attracted to one another.
You know, you kind of want to bring, you know,and it's it's a cliche term, isn't it, that
bring your best self to the relationship and itmakes me feel a bit like it's a bit vomit
(05:29):
inducing.
But I like to think of and it's not mine, butyou want to be the you know, if you're a man,
want to be the best the best of men.
You know, if you're a woman, want to be thebest that a woman can be.
You know, you want to be sane and healthy.
You know, you want to be living your a game,you know, because that that is you know, that's
(05:52):
what everybody wants from their partner.
Everybody's happy to say that's what they want,you know, that's what they're looking for,
that's what they expect, but perhaps not quiteso much conversation about whether you yourself
are that.
Yeah.
So it's be the person you wanna be withessentially is is some of that.
Yeah.
And I appreciate what you're it is.
It is.
(06:12):
And I think the, you know, the confusing thingperhaps to people in listening to this is and
it's like, okay.
Well, how do we manage, right, inrelationships?
So it's like, well, care for the other personis what you're saying in some ways around we've
gotten to a point where we are, say,emphasizing more self care than care for the
(06:33):
partner.
At the same time, self care is, like, in partof how we bring our a game to, you you know, to
the partnership.
So, you know, so it is a little tricky.
Right?
And and I'm wondering if you have any advicefor anybody because I think one of the biggest
things people that run into, you know, peoplewhen they hear stuff like this is, okay.
But but, like, how?
(06:54):
Like, how from a standpoint of, well, I'mtaking care of my career, and I'm taking care
of the house, and I'm taking care of my kids,and I'm trying to take care of myself, but I
can bring my a game, and then how do I havetime in all of that, you know, I think is what
our listener could be asking themselves.
Like, how do I really have time in all of thatto live in this way where then I also have the
(07:16):
time to put into my relationship?
Like, I feel like one of the ways that I seepeople struggle so much is, like, the overwhelm
of the demands in our western modern societyis, like, the overwhelm of the demands.
So how do we begin in that to create the thetime and the space to both care enough for
(07:38):
ourselves to be able to bring our a game, butthen not over care for ourselves in a way that
we're not having the time, you know, to putinto our our partnership?
So what is do you have any advice for peoplearound that?
Well, that's, you know, that's the that's thetask, isn't it?
And maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but it ishard.
(07:59):
You know, that's that's one of the keys thekeys of success, I think, is is I visualize it
like a pie chart.
I think of my time and my attention as a as apie chart because obviously you have limited
limited time and limited energy, don't you?
And part of the the keys to success is isworking out how you split your time and energy
(08:27):
so that it is balanced across all of the areasof your life that you've chosen.
See, this is the way I see it.
I chose to get married.
I chose to have a son.
I chose to have we have a dog now.
You know, I've got a house.
I'm also a therapist, and then I've got theamount of time that I need to look after my
(08:49):
body and to look after my mind.
Like these are all things that that fall on.
They're the burden of responsibility, and, youknow, we're all in the same boat.
It's not that it's not that one person has, youknow, unless maybe if you're single, but then I
guess you've got the burden of loneliness andthe stuff that comes from that.
(09:09):
So so I think that that that the capacity to tomake sense of all of that stuff is part of
whether you whether you've you're basicallyultimately doing a good job with your life or
not, you know?
So so yeah, maybe that sounds too harsh but Idon't think so.
(09:32):
It's just the way that it is.
So I know I know I've, you know, because Ibecause I'm I'm paying attention to how my
husband is doing.
I'm paying attention to how my son is and thedog, you know, and my clients.
So that's part of my job as as I'd argue as anadult, you know, it's one of the I would say,
(09:55):
it's one of the the principles or facets orassets.
I can't think of the right word, but it's oneof the yes.
It's one of the things that kind of determineswhether you're an adult or not, is whether
you're doing a good job at all of the thingsthat you've taken on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the pie chart image.
I think that's actually could be a helpfulexercise for people is really, you know,
(10:19):
looking and saying, okay.
Well, how many hours a day, like, do I can Iput into this and put into that and put into
that and actually, draw it out?
Because I like, where I see people struggle is,like, like, without a plan.
Right?
It's, like, without a plan of when we're gonnago to the gym, without a plan of, like, oh,
this is when I'm gonna help the kid with thehomework, without a plan of this is when we're
(10:39):
recording our podcast.
Like, it's really hard to put it, you know, putit into action.
So I think that's maybe a a cool action stepfor people is, like, putting this into a pie
chart and saying, like, okay.
Twenty four hours in the day, seven to nine ofthem, you're sleeping.
That's part of your pie, and, like, where arethe other pieces of of your pie?
I actually think you're inspiring me in thatthat idea.
(11:02):
So I love love love that.
Yeah.
Please.
Yeah.
You need you need to you need to make sense ofwhat your priorities are as well.
So my husband, I mean, this is probably will beconsidered traditional and perhaps old
fashioned, but but for me for me, my husband'sat the top of the pile.
He because because I because we've beentogether a very long time and he is incredibly
(11:24):
valuable to me.
My life works.
I mean, I I'd I'd struggle to do it justice byspeaking about it, how much better my life is
as a result of his presence and the strengthand the the skill and the intelligence.
I mean, the that he's he's an incrediblycapable I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't
(11:45):
for him.
So so that's just one thing.
So he's at the top, and I also think that hishealth is is plays a major role in my son's
health and our health as a couple playsobviously a major role in the health of my son.
So so I kind of I'm very careful to make surethat when thinking of that pie chart that the
(12:07):
sliver that is my work doesn't crowd him out.
And I'll know when that's happened because hestarts to look grumpy.
You know, he starts to feel like he hasn'tquite got enough of me as he would like.
So yeah, I think that this this
Just a quick break to let you know that eightypercent of women do not have orgasms from
(12:27):
vaginal intercourse alone.
So many people are not having the type of sexthat is healing, brings them closer, that
brings them more connected, that is full of somuch pleasure and passion that it can build
bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bringhappiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and
build a better connection with your partner.
(12:50):
That is what hot and modern monogamy is, ismodern monogamy that brings in all of that past
Kind of and that's why I'm a fan of solitude, Ishould say, because where I make sense of all
of this stuff is time alone, no distractions,no devices, no people, no conversation, no
noise, you know.
(13:10):
So so I am constantly monitoring all of thesethings because I consider it my job as a as an
adult to do so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The other thing you're making me think of whenyou describe this and you describe your
relationship with your husband is how manypeople, like like, for everybody that's
listening, like, an interesting exercise Ithink would be to, before you even draw a pie
(13:34):
chart, like, make a list of your top prioritiesand rank them, you know, priority number one,
priority number two.
Right?
And then what's super interesting, I think,from there is, like, okay, before drawing,
like, okay, your ideal pie chart, draw a piechart of what is actually happening in the
moment.
Yeah.
I Space based iron.
I love it.
I suspect that, like like, what we're talkingabout here, like, when we have if we start with
(13:58):
our, like, priorities, right, or I'm like,okay.
And, like, your example has been number one.
And if people have like that, I suspect whenthey draw, people draw their draw their pie
chart of their life.
I'm gonna do this tonight and actually checkmyself.
Uh-huh.
Right.
There'll be there might be this discrepancy of,like, whatever is at the top is actually maybe
getting the smallest sliver of the pie.
(14:19):
And that's a really important thing from astandpoint of, like, your fundamental idea here
on care and that being one of the keys.
That's right.
That's so interesting.
Okay.
So you also mentioned generosity, right, as oneof the the foundational keys.
Correct?
So let's talk a little bit more about that,because it's like can you just talk a little
(14:42):
bit more about, like, in the context of amarriage or a long term relationship, like,
what does that all mean?
Because it's just like a buzzword.
I wanna go deeper.
So
so I don't know about you, but one of thegreatest pleasures in my life is to see other
people well.
You know, to other people when other peoplethrive, when you when you offer people the
(15:09):
support they need or, you know, you you I don'tknow, when you're available to them in the way
that they need you to be available.
We need each other, you know.
We we we the the psych the field of psychologyworked that out.
We've, you know, we've been studying humandevelopment for long enough now that we know
that in all and, you know, loneliness andisolation kills.
(15:32):
We know that.
So we we are social creatures.
We've literally got brains and bodies wiredaround connection.
If we got if we can't connect, then we don'tthrive.
So so for me, generosity is is just it's sortof like if you're a generous person, you're in
order.
You're in line with nature's rules.
(15:57):
I have worked out over the years that when Igive people what they enough of what they like,
it's not about being perfect.
I'm not a perfect mother or a perfect wife or aperfect dog owner or a perfect therapist.
I make mistakes.
I get stuff wrong.
Sometimes I'm not quite as available as perhapsI would like to be, but more more the time more
(16:19):
more, you know, I aim to do to do to beavailable, to do a good job in that in that in
that way, and to to to offer my gifts to otherpeople.
And that is, I mean, that is that's the I wouldargue that that's the that's the the kind of
(16:42):
the the structure or the foundation of healthysocieties.
If people have enough from the people aroundthem that they feel fulfilled, that they feel
valuable, they feel looked after, loved, caredfor, that they are, you know, they experience
(17:03):
well-being and people who are well are in turnavailable to offer their gifts elsewhere.
So I think that it's just a beautiful trait.
It's something to meditate on.
It's something to consider, you know, to to togive to give what you can, you know.
And in order to be very generous, you of coursehave to you have to have an amount of
(17:28):
generosity for yourself in the bag.
So it is that balance between, you know, youyou strengthen yourself, so you take care of
yourself so that you are fully functioning, andthen you give you give what you can to the
people that you can.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's another thing is, like, that thatfine line.
(17:48):
Right?
Because it's so it's so we have to be socautious, I find, sometimes from a standpoint
of this pie chart, of this energy and all that,of, like, where is that point of generosity
where all of a sudden it depletes somebody somuch that, like, okay.
You're giving, giving, giving, then it's like,well, you're so depleted that maybe you're
hyper reactive, and you're not responding wellto life.
(18:10):
And that I think what you said aroundgenerosity to yourself is like really, I just
wanna, you know, key in on that because I dothink that's a huge thing, and it's back to the
whole like, where's that fine line betweenenough self care versus over self care that
you're not being generous to
Enough Right.
Exactly.
It's very isn't it?
(18:32):
It is.
It really is.
So let's talk now about I wanna briefly coverthis idea of somebody that has not had sex, not
been intimate for a long time, and, you know,there's there's various reasons for this.
So we talked about part in part one that we'llhave part one everybody under the video, in the
(18:53):
show notes from today as we always do.
But in part one, we had talked a little bitabout, okay, well, why do people stop having
sex?
Why do relationships, you know, start tostruggle, what's really going on there, and we
discussed a few reasons, but there's many.
So the question is, once people have, you know,realized this, like, do people start, like,
(19:16):
kinda ripping the band aid off and saying,like, oh, like, we're gonna start having sex
again after long periods of not because so manycouples I've talked to, there's, like, this
awkwardness.
Right?
And it's almost like this almost like fear insome ways that can be even more, like, intense
than, like, that first kiss when you were justdating around, okay, somebody that's become
(19:36):
just a roommate, how do we how do we just,like, go for it?
What is the advice on that?
Well, I like to think of it in the same waythat I think about exercise.
You know, you you I'm sure you have also metplenty of people who have just not they're not
exercising.
They haven't exercised for ages.
You know, they feel really low that, you know,their their their self esteem is not
(19:59):
particularly great.
And what you would do with somebody in thatposition is urge them to start with something
that isn't too terrifying.
Start with a fifteen minute walk.
What you probably wouldn't suggest is that theygo out and run a marathon in a week.
You would encourage them to build up, startslowly.
(20:24):
But what you would say is make a start becausebecause in order for a for a for a human being
to be fully well, they need to move.
We need to move.
Build up, you know, we we rapidly become unwellif we don't move vigorously.
(20:45):
And, you know, it's a sort of daily basis,that's the reality is you don't get fit, you
don't get you don't even get, know, in order toget a little bit fit, have to do quite a lot,
you know, and you have to learn to the you haveto learn to go through these these discomforts,
you know, you're gonna suffer along the way.
And in fact, the fitter you get, the moreyou're going to suffer.
(21:09):
Know, and you have to you have to alignyourself to become athletic, to become
physically fit.
You have to align yourself with this with thediscomfort of of what it takes to get and
remain fit.
And you need to you need to recognize thatthat's something that you're gonna have to do
more or less every day and you're gonna need todo it for the rest of your life and and getting
(21:34):
in, you know, having a temper tantrum aboutthat and selling is not gonna make any
difference, you know.
And you're you're either gonna suffer the thedifficulty of getting and and staying fit or
you're gonna suffer the consequences of notdoing that, which let's be fair, are dreadful.
Being being unfit is a miserable existence.
I've been both and and you know, not for Ihaven't been unfit for a very long time because
(21:58):
I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
I got sick and tired of not liking myself, notenjoying not enjoying being in this glorious
body that that that I got given.
So I feel the same is true for sex.
It's like it's it, you know, it can be a littleawkward.
It's, you know, I don't know.
There's something because you're going to haveto be vulnerable.
(22:20):
You're going to expose yourself.
Might have to try new things and go to newplaces, but you want to kind of align yourself
with that because to be a non sexual person,I'm sorry, that's just not a better choice.
You know, I think you can see it on people.
(22:41):
You know, I don't mean to be mean and and Ireally am not being mean, but I think you can
see a person that you begin to wear it in thesame way that you wear, you know, poor
lifestyle choices in the physical domain.
I'd argue you can see psychological dysfunctiontoo.
(23:03):
So yes, I'd say do what you have to do, startslowly, align yourself with the fact that it's
going to be uncomfortable, but it'll betotally, totally worth it.
And it's again, it's it's about moving towardsa natural order.
We are sexual beings and you want to experiencetotal well-being?
(23:27):
You've got to be having sex and plenty of it.
Was saying to my husband this morning, anorgasm is like fireworks.
Know, that's what it feels like to me.
It's like a physiological explosion of lightand pleasure and and like you forget
everything.
It's amazing.
And like, why would you not why would you notwant to do that?
(23:51):
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's so well said.
I think in so many ways as humans, we are sooriented to motivation towards comfort and
running away from discomfort.
Right?
So I think what you're saying is so well said,I'm like, okay.
Well, this might be awkward.
This might be uncomfortable.
It's like like there's a lot of good thingslike exercise, like you described that.
(24:14):
Like, sometimes it's, like, not the mostcomfortable thing, but it's worth it for the
results.
And, like you said, the end result of orgasmwith pleasure beyond anything else that largely
we get to experience as humans, it's worth it.
You're worth it.
Your relationship's worth it, and sometimesit's just getting comfortable with the
(24:38):
uncomfortable is a really good first step.
Yeah, totally.
And I think another thing to add to that isthat I wouldn't want to withhold that from
somebody else, you know.
So particularly particularly to the the peoplewho are, you know, the the contract is, you
know, whatever you call that, whether you'remarried or whether you've agreed to a
monogamous relationship, to kind of withholdthat from somebody else, to withhold those the
(25:02):
benefits that come as a result of of, you know,of sex.
The the the the many health benefits thatresult in regular, enjoyable, you know, sex.
It it just feels it feels, again, it feelsunhealthy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love it.
Well, thank you again for being with us on thisepisode, and can you just tell us every
(25:27):
everybody again how to get ahold of you and,you know, and who you work with and and all of
that?
So you can find me at laurahowe.com, that's mywebsite, or you can find me on YouTube.
I work with couples and individuals.
If you want to, if your relationship isstruggling, whether whether with yourself or
(25:49):
with your partner, then then I I'd be I'd loveto hear from you.
I tend to be quite good at it.
That sounds so not very humble but, it's it'swork that I love.
I love.
I love.
I mean, there's just nothing nicer than than,restored health.
Seeing whether that's, you know, with withinsomeone's relationship with themself or whether
(26:13):
the the restoration is happening in theirrelationship.
It's it's a tow it it's a total pleasure andprivilege to work with people whilst they do
that.
Amazing.
And we'll have that in the notes under thisvideo, like part one, as as well as part one,
so you all can hear Laura's first interview aswell.
And thank you so much club members, and thankyou again, Laura, for being here with us.
(26:38):
My pleasure.
Total pleasure.
It's been such a lot of fun.
Thanks for having me, Diane.
Wonderful.
Alright, everybody.
We'll see you soon.
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
The overwhelm of the demands in our westernmodern society.
Career, kiss, house, how do I have time and allof that.
But there's like this awkwardness, that firstkiss when you were just dating.
This almost like fear and
Care, respect, generosity of spirits, thefoundation of healthy societies.
(00:42):
Start slowly.
Start with a fifteen minute walk.
Build up.
We need to move.
We are sexual beings, and you wanna experiencetotal well-being?
Orgasms like fireworks, like a physiologicalexplosion of light and pleasure.
Why would you not want to do that?
(01:05):
Hey, everybody.
Quick break at our episode to talk to you aboutour sponsor, My Libido Doc.
One of the things that we truly believe is thatgreat sex is available to everyone, but we just
have to learn how.
So head over to our site to get your free copyof our e book, Five Steps to Mind Blowing
(01:28):
Orgasms and Romance.
Get the quick and easy tips to turn your sexlife around, rev up your engines, and fall in
deeper love and passion with yourself and yourpartner.
So if you just go to mysexdoc.com, you willfind that e book there for download.
Now back to our show.
(01:50):
Hey everybody.
Hey club members.
I'm so excited to bring another guest to you.
This is relationship expert counselor,relationship coach Laura Howe.
Out of The UK, she does do international workthough, so for all of you that are club members
around the world, you can definitely reach outto Laura if you like everything that she says
(02:12):
today.
We are gonna talk about some cool stuff today.
We're gonna talk about some of her work and herresearch, what are really the keys to a
lifelong happy marriage, and how to rip theBand Aid off, how to go for it if you've been
kind of out, if you've joined the club andyou're, like, really out of the practice of
being intimate with your partner.
You join the club to start having sex again,and you're just like, how do we be in to rip
(02:35):
the band aid off and go for it?
So thank you, Laura, for being with me onanother episode.
Thank you for having me.
It is my pleasure.
Let's jump right in.
So let's talk a little bit about keys to followfor lifelong happy marriage.
So what are some of the foundational thingswith, you know, with intimacy and otherwise, I
(02:56):
should say with sexual intimacy and otherwise,what are some of the things that you 've seen
that are like, these are the the things thatare just essential to follow for happy long
term love and success in that?
That's a great question.
So I would I would start with with things likecare and respect, the the kind of generosity of
(03:23):
spirit.
So you kind of want to think about about morethan whether your partner is good to you.
You want to be thinking as much, at least,about whether you are a good partner, you know?
And I think that we've perhaps gone a littletoo far towards the taking care of myself.
(03:51):
You know, everybody's talking about self careand I'm an advocate of self care.
It's not that I'm smashing or damning selfcare.
Obviously, self care is important.
But I think perhaps people don't think quiteenough about whether they are a good partner.
You know, I think the best relationships arebuilt upon trust, and honor.
(04:16):
You know, you want to think about whether thethe actions that you take, lead your partner to
feel safe and seen and secure and valued, youknow?
So I think how we live, how we behave reallymatters.
I think that you want to be you want to beattractive to your partner, you know?
(04:41):
So so you need to take care of yourselfphysically.
You need to take care of yourself emotionally.
You need to ideally be growing as anindividual.
If you want your relationship to stand the testof time, you are continuously of interest.
(05:05):
That of course comes with people who aregrowing.
If you're both on a continuously mutual growthjourney, you stand a much greater chance of
remaining attracted to one another.
You know, you kind of want to bring, you know,and it's it's a cliche term, isn't it, that
bring your best self to the relationship and itmakes me feel a bit like it's a bit vomit
(05:29):
inducing.
But I like to think of and it's not mine, butyou want to be the you know, if you're a man,
want to be the best the best of men.
You know, if you're a woman, want to be thebest that a woman can be.
You know, you want to be sane and healthy.
You know, you want to be living your a game,you know, because that that is you know, that's
(05:52):
what everybody wants from their partner.
Everybody's happy to say that's what they want,you know, that's what they're looking for,
that's what they expect, but perhaps not quiteso much conversation about whether you yourself
are that.
Yeah.
So it's be the person you wanna be withessentially is is some of that.
Yeah.
And I appreciate what you're it is.
It is.
(06:12):
And I think the, you know, the confusing thingperhaps to people in listening to this is and
it's like, okay.
Well, how do we manage, right, inrelationships?
So it's like, well, care for the other personis what you're saying in some ways around we've
gotten to a point where we are, say,emphasizing more self care than care for the
(06:33):
partner.
At the same time, self care is, like, in partof how we bring our a game to, you you know, to
the partnership.
So, you know, so it is a little tricky.
Right?
And and I'm wondering if you have any advicefor anybody because I think one of the biggest
things people that run into, you know, peoplewhen they hear stuff like this is, okay.
But but, like, how?
(06:54):
Like, how from a standpoint of, well, I'mtaking care of my career, and I'm taking care
of the house, and I'm taking care of my kids,and I'm trying to take care of myself, but I
can bring my a game, and then how do I havetime in all of that, you know, I think is what
our listener could be asking themselves.
Like, how do I really have time in all of thatto live in this way where then I also have the
(07:16):
time to put into my relationship?
Like, I feel like one of the ways that I seepeople struggle so much is, like, the overwhelm
of the demands in our western modern societyis, like, the overwhelm of the demands.
So how do we begin in that to create the thetime and the space to both care enough for
(07:38):
ourselves to be able to bring our a game, butthen not over care for ourselves in a way that
we're not having the time, you know, to putinto our our partnership?
So what is do you have any advice for peoplearound that?
Well, that's, you know, that's the that's thetask, isn't it?
And maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but it ishard.
(07:59):
You know, that's that's one of the keys thekeys of success, I think, is is I visualize it
like a pie chart.
I think of my time and my attention as a as apie chart because obviously you have limited
limited time and limited energy, don't you?
And part of the the keys to success is isworking out how you split your time and energy
(08:27):
so that it is balanced across all of the areasof your life that you've chosen.
See, this is the way I see it.
I chose to get married.
I chose to have a son.
I chose to have we have a dog now.
You know, I've got a house.
I'm also a therapist, and then I've got theamount of time that I need to look after my
(08:49):
body and to look after my mind.
Like these are all things that that fall on.
They're the burden of responsibility, and, youknow, we're all in the same boat.
It's not that it's not that one person has, youknow, unless maybe if you're single, but then I
guess you've got the burden of loneliness andthe stuff that comes from that.
(09:09):
So so I think that that that the capacity to tomake sense of all of that stuff is part of
whether you whether you've you're basicallyultimately doing a good job with your life or
not, you know?
So so yeah, maybe that sounds too harsh but Idon't think so.
(09:32):
It's just the way that it is.
So I know I know I've, you know, because Ibecause I'm I'm paying attention to how my
husband is doing.
I'm paying attention to how my son is and thedog, you know, and my clients.
So that's part of my job as as I'd argue as anadult, you know, it's one of the I would say,
(09:55):
it's one of the the principles or facets orassets.
I can't think of the right word, but it's oneof the yes.
It's one of the things that kind of determineswhether you're an adult or not, is whether
you're doing a good job at all of the thingsthat you've taken on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the pie chart image.
I think that's actually could be a helpfulexercise for people is really, you know,
(10:19):
looking and saying, okay.
Well, how many hours a day, like, do I can Iput into this and put into that and put into
that and actually, draw it out?
Because I like, where I see people struggle is,like, like, without a plan.
Right?
It's, like, without a plan of when we're gonnago to the gym, without a plan of, like, oh,
this is when I'm gonna help the kid with thehomework, without a plan of this is when we're
(10:39):
recording our podcast.
Like, it's really hard to put it, you know, putit into action.
So I think that's maybe a a cool action stepfor people is, like, putting this into a pie
chart and saying, like, okay.
Twenty four hours in the day, seven to nine ofthem, you're sleeping.
That's part of your pie, and, like, where arethe other pieces of of your pie?
I actually think you're inspiring me in thatthat idea.
(11:02):
So I love love love that.
Yeah.
Please.
Yeah.
You need you need to you need to make sense ofwhat your priorities are as well.
So my husband, I mean, this is probably will beconsidered traditional and perhaps old
fashioned, but but for me for me, my husband'sat the top of the pile.
He because because I because we've beentogether a very long time and he is incredibly
(11:24):
valuable to me.
My life works.
I mean, I I'd I'd struggle to do it justice byspeaking about it, how much better my life is
as a result of his presence and the strengthand the the skill and the intelligence.
I mean, the that he's he's an incrediblycapable I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't
(11:45):
for him.
So so that's just one thing.
So he's at the top, and I also think that hishealth is is plays a major role in my son's
health and our health as a couple playsobviously a major role in the health of my son.
So so I kind of I'm very careful to make surethat when thinking of that pie chart that the
(12:07):
sliver that is my work doesn't crowd him out.
And I'll know when that's happened because hestarts to look grumpy.
You know, he starts to feel like he hasn'tquite got enough of me as he would like.
So yeah, I think that this this
Just a quick break to let you know that eightypercent of women do not have orgasms from
(12:27):
vaginal intercourse alone.
So many people are not having the type of sexthat is healing, brings them closer, that
brings them more connected, that is full of somuch pleasure and passion that it can build
bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bringhappiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and
build a better connection with your partner.
(12:50):
That is what hot and modern monogamy is, ismodern monogamy that brings in all of that past
Kind of and that's why I'm a fan of solitude, Ishould say, because where I make sense of all
of this stuff is time alone, no distractions,no devices, no people, no conversation, no
noise, you know.
(13:10):
So so I am constantly monitoring all of thesethings because I consider it my job as a as an
adult to do so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The other thing you're making me think of whenyou describe this and you describe your
relationship with your husband is how manypeople, like like, for everybody that's
listening, like, an interesting exercise Ithink would be to, before you even draw a pie
(13:34):
chart, like, make a list of your top prioritiesand rank them, you know, priority number one,
priority number two.
Right?
And then what's super interesting, I think,from there is, like, okay, before drawing,
like, okay, your ideal pie chart, draw a piechart of what is actually happening in the
moment.
Yeah.
I Space based iron.
I love it.
I suspect that, like like, what we're talkingabout here, like, when we have if we start with
(13:58):
our, like, priorities, right, or I'm like,okay.
And, like, your example has been number one.
And if people have like that, I suspect whenthey draw, people draw their draw their pie
chart of their life.
I'm gonna do this tonight and actually checkmyself.
Uh-huh.
Right.
There'll be there might be this discrepancy of,like, whatever is at the top is actually maybe
getting the smallest sliver of the pie.
(14:19):
And that's a really important thing from astandpoint of, like, your fundamental idea here
on care and that being one of the keys.
That's right.
That's so interesting.
Okay.
So you also mentioned generosity, right, as oneof the the foundational keys.
Correct?
So let's talk a little bit more about that,because it's like can you just talk a little
(14:42):
bit more about, like, in the context of amarriage or a long term relationship, like,
what does that all mean?
Because it's just like a buzzword.
I wanna go deeper.
So
so I don't know about you, but one of thegreatest pleasures in my life is to see other
people well.
You know, to other people when other peoplethrive, when you when you offer people the
(15:09):
support they need or, you know, you you I don'tknow, when you're available to them in the way
that they need you to be available.
We need each other, you know.
We we we the the psych the field of psychologyworked that out.
We've, you know, we've been studying humandevelopment for long enough now that we know
that in all and, you know, loneliness andisolation kills.
(15:32):
We know that.
So we we are social creatures.
We've literally got brains and bodies wiredaround connection.
If we got if we can't connect, then we don'tthrive.
So so for me, generosity is is just it's sortof like if you're a generous person, you're in
order.
You're in line with nature's rules.
(15:57):
I have worked out over the years that when Igive people what they enough of what they like,
it's not about being perfect.
I'm not a perfect mother or a perfect wife or aperfect dog owner or a perfect therapist.
I make mistakes.
I get stuff wrong.
Sometimes I'm not quite as available as perhapsI would like to be, but more more the time more
(16:19):
more, you know, I aim to do to do to beavailable, to do a good job in that in that in
that way, and to to to offer my gifts to otherpeople.
And that is, I mean, that is that's the I wouldargue that that's the that's the the kind of
(16:42):
the the structure or the foundation of healthysocieties.
If people have enough from the people aroundthem that they feel fulfilled, that they feel
valuable, they feel looked after, loved, caredfor, that they are, you know, they experience
(17:03):
well-being and people who are well are in turnavailable to offer their gifts elsewhere.
So I think that it's just a beautiful trait.
It's something to meditate on.
It's something to consider, you know, to to togive to give what you can, you know.
And in order to be very generous, you of coursehave to you have to have an amount of
(17:28):
generosity for yourself in the bag.
So it is that balance between, you know, youyou strengthen yourself, so you take care of
yourself so that you are fully functioning, andthen you give you give what you can to the
people that you can.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's another thing is, like, that thatfine line.
(17:48):
Right?
Because it's so it's so we have to be socautious, I find, sometimes from a standpoint
of this pie chart, of this energy and all that,of, like, where is that point of generosity
where all of a sudden it depletes somebody somuch that, like, okay.
You're giving, giving, giving, then it's like,well, you're so depleted that maybe you're
hyper reactive, and you're not responding wellto life.
(18:10):
And that I think what you said aroundgenerosity to yourself is like really, I just
wanna, you know, key in on that because I dothink that's a huge thing, and it's back to the
whole like, where's that fine line betweenenough self care versus over self care that
you're not being generous to
Enough Right.
Exactly.
It's very isn't it?
(18:32):
It is.
It really is.
So let's talk now about I wanna briefly coverthis idea of somebody that has not had sex, not
been intimate for a long time, and, you know,there's there's various reasons for this.
So we talked about part in part one that we'llhave part one everybody under the video, in the
(18:53):
show notes from today as we always do.
But in part one, we had talked a little bitabout, okay, well, why do people stop having
sex?
Why do relationships, you know, start tostruggle, what's really going on there, and we
discussed a few reasons, but there's many.
So the question is, once people have, you know,realized this, like, do people start, like,
(19:16):
kinda ripping the band aid off and saying,like, oh, like, we're gonna start having sex
again after long periods of not because so manycouples I've talked to, there's, like, this
awkwardness.
Right?
And it's almost like this almost like fear insome ways that can be even more, like, intense
than, like, that first kiss when you were justdating around, okay, somebody that's become
(19:36):
just a roommate, how do we how do we just,like, go for it?
What is the advice on that?
Well, I like to think of it in the same waythat I think about exercise.
You know, you you I'm sure you have also metplenty of people who have just not they're not
exercising.
They haven't exercised for ages.
You know, they feel really low that, you know,their their their self esteem is not
(19:59):
particularly great.
And what you would do with somebody in thatposition is urge them to start with something
that isn't too terrifying.
Start with a fifteen minute walk.
What you probably wouldn't suggest is that theygo out and run a marathon in a week.
You would encourage them to build up, startslowly.
(20:24):
But what you would say is make a start becausebecause in order for a for a for a human being
to be fully well, they need to move.
We need to move.
Build up, you know, we we rapidly become unwellif we don't move vigorously.
(20:45):
And, you know, it's a sort of daily basis,that's the reality is you don't get fit, you
don't get you don't even get, know, in order toget a little bit fit, have to do quite a lot,
you know, and you have to learn to the you haveto learn to go through these these discomforts,
you know, you're gonna suffer along the way.
And in fact, the fitter you get, the moreyou're going to suffer.
(21:09):
Know, and you have to you have to alignyourself to become athletic, to become
physically fit.
You have to align yourself with this with thediscomfort of of what it takes to get and
remain fit.
And you need to you need to recognize thatthat's something that you're gonna have to do
more or less every day and you're gonna need todo it for the rest of your life and and getting
(21:34):
in, you know, having a temper tantrum aboutthat and selling is not gonna make any
difference, you know.
And you're you're either gonna suffer the thedifficulty of getting and and staying fit or
you're gonna suffer the consequences of notdoing that, which let's be fair, are dreadful.
Being being unfit is a miserable existence.
I've been both and and you know, not for Ihaven't been unfit for a very long time because
(21:58):
I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
I got sick and tired of not liking myself, notenjoying not enjoying being in this glorious
body that that that I got given.
So I feel the same is true for sex.
It's like it's it, you know, it can be a littleawkward.
It's, you know, I don't know.
There's something because you're going to haveto be vulnerable.
(22:20):
You're going to expose yourself.
Might have to try new things and go to newplaces, but you want to kind of align yourself
with that because to be a non sexual person,I'm sorry, that's just not a better choice.
You know, I think you can see it on people.
(22:41):
You know, I don't mean to be mean and and Ireally am not being mean, but I think you can
see a person that you begin to wear it in thesame way that you wear, you know, poor
lifestyle choices in the physical domain.
I'd argue you can see psychological dysfunctiontoo.
(23:03):
So yes, I'd say do what you have to do, startslowly, align yourself with the fact that it's
going to be uncomfortable, but it'll betotally, totally worth it.
And it's again, it's it's about moving towardsa natural order.
We are sexual beings and you want to experiencetotal well-being?
(23:27):
You've got to be having sex and plenty of it.
Was saying to my husband this morning, anorgasm is like fireworks.
Know, that's what it feels like to me.
It's like a physiological explosion of lightand pleasure and and like you forget
everything.
It's amazing.
And like, why would you not why would you notwant to do that?
(23:51):
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's so well said.
I think in so many ways as humans, we are sooriented to motivation towards comfort and
running away from discomfort.
Right?
So I think what you're saying is so well said,I'm like, okay.
Well, this might be awkward.
This might be uncomfortable.
It's like like there's a lot of good thingslike exercise, like you described that.
(24:14):
Like, sometimes it's, like, not the mostcomfortable thing, but it's worth it for the
results.
And, like you said, the end result of orgasmwith pleasure beyond anything else that largely
we get to experience as humans, it's worth it.
You're worth it.
Your relationship's worth it, and sometimesit's just getting comfortable with the
(24:38):
uncomfortable is a really good first step.
Yeah, totally.
And I think another thing to add to that isthat I wouldn't want to withhold that from
somebody else, you know.
So particularly particularly to the the peoplewho are, you know, the the contract is, you
know, whatever you call that, whether you'remarried or whether you've agreed to a
monogamous relationship, to kind of withholdthat from somebody else, to withhold those the
(25:02):
benefits that come as a result of of, you know,of sex.
The the the the many health benefits thatresult in regular, enjoyable, you know, sex.
It it just feels it feels, again, it feelsunhealthy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love it.
Well, thank you again for being with us on thisepisode, and can you just tell us every
(25:27):
everybody again how to get ahold of you and,you know, and who you work with and and all of
that?
So you can find me at laurahowe.com, that's mywebsite, or you can find me on YouTube.
I work with couples and individuals.
If you want to, if your relationship isstruggling, whether whether with yourself or
(25:49):
with your partner, then then I I'd be I'd loveto hear from you.
I tend to be quite good at it.
That sounds so not very humble but, it's it'swork that I love.
I love.
I love.
I mean, there's just nothing nicer than than,restored health.
Seeing whether that's, you know, with withinsomeone's relationship with themself or whether
(26:13):
the the restoration is happening in theirrelationship.
It's it's a tow it it's a total pleasure andprivilege to work with people whilst they do
that.
Amazing.
And we'll have that in the notes under thisvideo, like part one, as as well as part one,
so you all can hear Laura's first interview aswell.
And thank you so much club members, and thankyou again, Laura, for being here with us.
(26:38):
My pleasure.
Total pleasure.
It's been such a lot of fun.
Thanks for having me, Diane.
Wonderful.
Alright, everybody.
We'll see you soon.
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
Please don't keep me a secret.
Please share this with your friends.
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, aswell as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.
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